How do I get over my affair partner? I love him.

[harrybrown]

So when does your H get to have the time of his life?

 

Will you still be thinking of how little your A hurt him when you think about his fun times for 5 months with his A?

 

What if she is younger than you?

 

Are you still so selfish to see how your hurt your H and it would help you to think how you would feel if he had an A?

 

Your A also hurt your kids, so the entire family. You could not be thinking too much about your kids while dreaming of everything with the POSOM.

 

Hope you husband heals someday from your selfish actions, but he will remember for the rest of his life.

 

 

If you truly do not love your H and how can you while pining over the scum, then leave and set him free to find someone that would love him and your children.

 

You can still follow your dream and leave your family behind.

[SoulStorm]

Thank you LAGirl! I really appreciate your response. Believe it or not, I am feeling much better now than I did a couple of weeks ago. Many times, I feel that I am healing and on the right track. Then, out of nowhere, something will suddenly trigger the feelings I have/had for him. Yes, I can finally admit that after all of this time, it was a fantasy. He seemed to be everything I ever needed and wanted. The chemistry that we had was awesome. Then again, I guess all affairs start that way. For the people who know about my situation, most of them tell me that he has done this before. I denied this for a long time, thinking that this man is a Christian man who just "slipped" and fell in love with me just like I fell in love with him. As time passes, there is something in my gut that tells me that maybe he has done this before. I hope that he hasn't. But I do remember him telling me stories about how he has been with a lot of women, all prior to marrying his wife, of course. It seemed that he always liked to brag about how many of his female clients wanted him. I honestly don't think that I would be happy living with him and there are several reasons for that. You said that my situation sounded a lot like yours. If you don't mind, would you please tell me how long it took you to get over your AP and how you were finally able to stop thinking about him on a daily basis?

 

 

Think about this. This man "Christian Man" was already married and probably knows what the bible says about adultery. It is no big thing about you that made him break his vows to his current wife to be with you. Only his lust for another woman. He is a chump player who womanizes and knows exactly how to get to vulnerable women. A man waking up speaking in tongues and still cheating on his wife with another married woman is definitely not listening to God, but something else.

 

He pegged you as someone wanting excitement from conversations you probably had with him.

 

So my prediction would be that if you would have left to be with him, eventually you would be in the position his current wife was/is in.

 

Look up LIMERANCE.

This man made you feel good about yourself and life again because he pursued you.

Did your husband pursue you in the beginning and make you feel wanted?

 

If he did, sometimes we forget that what we did to get you is the same thing we need to do to keep you.

 

But just because we don't doesn't give permission to seek it elsewhere. You don't love AP..you love and miss the feelings you associate with him.

 

The more you stay NC, the more you will see that.

 

However even little contact at work keeps wind on burning embers.

 

The best way to get over this is to have complete NC..period.

 

I would recommend a complete job change as soon as it is possible

[sammy7111]

You don't need to be with him but you do need to leave your husband because you really don't love him or you would be more upset about what you did to him then missing your ap. Your husband pain should be the only thing own your mind

[Conqueror]

So when does your H get to have the time of his life?

 

Will you still be thinking of how little your A hurt him when you think about his fun times for 5 months with his A?

 

I think about how I hurt my husband every single day. I really wish that I could take it all back and that it never happened. That was one of the worst decisions I ever made in my entire life. I never set out to have an affair and I definitely did not set out to hurt my husband. I honestly can't say what I would do if my husband had an affair to get back at me. He said that he wouldn't do that, because it would only make out situation worse, but I don't know what I would do if that situation actually occurred.

 

What if she is younger than you?

 

Are you still so selfish to see how your hurt your H and it would help you to think how you would feel if he had an A?

 

I know that I hurt my husband. I am working on restoring his trust in me. He is my focus. My children are my focus. That affair was not worth it. At the time I thought AP loved me and I thought that he and I would ultimately end up together. Sex was never a part of the equation, and AP and I talked at great lengths at how we COULD NOT and WOULD NOT have sex because of the hurt that it would cause. We agreed that we would not do it until we divorced out spouses and then got married, but that is not what happened. Every day I make sure that I am there for my husband and my kids.

 

Your A also hurt your kids, so the entire family. You could not be thinking too much about your kids while dreaming of everything with the POSOM.

 

Yes I know that I hurt my children. Looking back, I can see that they were affected by this situation a great deal. They may not have known exactly what was going on, but they definitely knew that something was up, because their attitudes changed. I can't really explain it. My children are much happier now compared to when the affair was going on.

 

Hope you husband heals someday from your selfish actions, but he will remember for the rest of his life.

 

I know that he will remember this for the rest of his life. He may even have trust issues for a very long time. He told me that he is already healing, and I want to keep it that way. I want him to see that I will forever have HIS back. He is MY focus.

 

If you truly do not love your H and how can you while pining over the scum, then leave and set him free to find someone that would love him and your children.

 

I think that at the time I wrote the OP a couple of weeks ago, that was one of my "down" moments. I have come a long way over the past few months and I feel that I am getting stronger and stronger, and most importantly, my marriage is getting stronger. I really don't know exactly what triggered my feelings when I wrote the OP. I do not want to be with that man. I am not pining over AP tonight. I love my husband. I want to spend the rest of my life with me.

 

Also, when I first told my husband what happened, I did tell him that I would leave. I told him that I did not deserve him and that he could find someone better. I didn't even feel that I should eat anything in the kitchen that he bought. Because of the type of man that my husband is, I know that he could find a good woman tomorrow, because there are many good women who would love a man like that. He would not allow me to leave. He told me that I was too intelligent and too beautiful to be some man's mistress. He told me that he knew the woman I really was and that we would fight. And that's what we are doing. I do not want the AP. Happiness does not exist there. That was only a fantasy.

 

You can still follow your dream and leave your family behind.

 

That would not be a dream. That would be a nightmare. I do not want to leave my family ever. I have a wonderful family. I have the life that many people want. I am thankful to God and my husband that I have another chance, because I could have easily lost my family.

[Conqueror]

I agree 100%. At the time I wrote the OP, I was having a down moment, despite how far I had come in the past several months. I do not want to be with AP. He did make me feel great about myself at the time. The wining and dining was something I was not getting from my husband at the time, and AP made me feel like a queen. Having NC HAS definitely caused me to see things a lot more clearly. I wish I could take it all back. I wish the affair NEVER happened.

[Conqueror]

I absolutely DO love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just wish the A never happened. It wasn't worth it.

[S2B]

Did you change job yet?

Have you had no contact with the OM?

[Conqueror]

Did you change job yet?

Have you had no contact with the OM?

 

No contact whatsoever. I did not change jobs, but since we all work independently in the field, I do not see him. The only time I would see him is if our Regional Manager called a meeting, but those meetings are few and far between. The last time I saw him was in October. He spoke to me, but I did not speak back to him.

[Conqueror]

Did you change job yet?

Have you had no contact with the OM?

 

No contact whatsoever. I did not change jobs, but since we all work independently in the field, I do not see him. The only time I would see him is if our Regional Manager called a meeting, but those meetings are few and far between. The last time I saw him was in October. He spoke to me, but I did not speak back to him. I love what I do for a living. It was a job that I prayed for (although it was the wrong person). Also, he will think he has won if I left, and I am not giving up this awesome position because of him. However, if this was a job where I had to see him everyday, I would have left a long time ago.

[Mr Blunt]

By Conqueror

I struggle with my feelings for my AP.

I hope my feelings for AP changes in the future..and soon!

I was super excited to visit these places with him

I would pass by those very places where he once planned on taking me, and I would cry because things ended before we got the chance to visit those places together.

 

I do miss the way I felt when I was with him

I must admit that I had the time of my life with him

We would spend entire lunches mapping out a plan to reach those goals. I really loved that about him

I wish I could take it all back. I wish the affair NEVER happened.

 

 

 

 

You have weighed your betrayal good times with the OM with your current situation with your husband and family and wished the affair never happened. Now you know that you have to live in reality and your wish for the A to never happen is never going to happen.

 

 

You are thankful to God and your husband for another chance.

 

 

You and your husband are going to have to work very hard for the rest of your lives to have a successful relationship. Your husband can forgive but he will never forget that you rejected him and chose to allow another man to take his place in the most intimate facets of your whole being including emotionally and sexually. You have fond memories and deep emotions about your OM experiences with the other man and that is devastating to your husband. Furthermore, you stated that your husband failed to excite you like the OM did. That may be true but that hurt will never leave your husband.

 

 

You both can patch up the damage but there is permanant damage done. This is probably how your husband will adjust in one of the options listed below in the next several years.

 

 

1 He will keep working on himself and the marriage because he thinks that to so his best option now. Improving in some areas and adjusting the best that he can in other areas. Your actions will be very important in keeping the marriage alive and successful.

 

 

2 He will stay in the marriage because he feels trapped financially and emotionally

 

 

3 He will make a plan to get out of the marriage at some point

 

 

4 He will become involved with another woman.

 

 

You will know which one of the above after the first several years because the first several years you both will be very motivated to ease the pains. After that is when the real hard part will set in because the reality that 100% loyalty cannot be reestablished. Hopefully your husband can keep a lid on the great emoting damage that will pop up in his mind and emotions from time to time. You will have to keep your thoughts about your emotional and sexual highs with the OM from tempting you back into a temporary fantasy. This will be in addition to all the other struggles and pains that come from married life throughout the years.

 

 

Of course there are other outcomes and some say that your marriage can be better than it ever was. That may be true but that tells me that marriage was not real strong to begin with. In any case, you are very lucky as you have another chance so keep on your toes because R is something that you do for a lifetime so prepare yourself for the long haul.

 

 

 

Know that you both can achieve a good marriage but fight against the fantasies and do not get any Cinderella ideas or allow your emotions to lead you to destroy loyalty and commitment.

[Conqueror]

No contact whatsoever. I did not change jobs, but since we all work independently in the field, I do not see him. The only time I would see him is if our Regional Manager called a meeting, but those meetings are few and far between. The last time I saw him was in October. He spoke to me, but I did not speak back to him.

 

Sorry. The last time I saw him was in NOVEMBER.

[Conqueror]

You have weighed your betrayal good times with the OM with your current situation with your husband and family and wished the affair never happened. Now you know that you have to live in reality and your wish for the A to never happen is never going to happen.

 

 

You are thankful to God and your husband for another chance.

 

 

You and your husband are going to have to work very hard for the rest of your lives to have a successful relationship. Your husband can forgive but he will never forget that you rejected him and chose to allow another man to take his place in the most intimate facets of your whole being including emotionally and sexually. You have fond memories and deep emotions about your OM experiences with the other man and that is devastating to your husband. Furthermore, you stated that your husband failed to excite you like the OM did. That may be true but that hurt will never leave your husband.

 

 

You both can patch up the damage but there is permanant damage done. This is probably how your husband will adjust in one of the options listed below in the next several years.

 

 

1 He will keep working on himself and the marriage because he thinks that to so his best option now. Improving in some areas and adjusting the best that he can in other areas. Your actions will be very important in keeping the marriage alive and successful.

 

 

2 He will stay in the marriage because he feels trapped financially and emotionally

 

 

3 He will make a plan to get out of the marriage at some point

 

 

4 He will become involved with another woman.

 

 

You will know which one of the above after the first several years because the first several years you both will be very motivated to ease the pains. After that is when the real hard part will set in because the reality that 100% loyalty cannot be reestablished. Hopefully your husband can keep a lid on the great emoting damage that will pop up in his mind and emotions from time to time. You will have to keep your thoughts about your emotional and sexual highs with the OM from tempting you back into a temporary fantasy. This will be in addition to all the other struggles and pains that come from married life throughout the years.

 

 

Of course there are other outcomes and some say that your marriage can be better than it ever was. That may be true but that tells me that marriage was not real strong to begin with. In any case, you are very lucky as you have another chance so keep on your toes because R is something that you do for a lifetime so prepare yourself for the long haul.

 

 

 

Know that you both can achieve a good marriage but fight against the fantasies and do not get any Cinderella ideas or allow your emotions to lead you to destroy loyalty and commitment.

 

I will definitely work hard and continue to fight for my marriage. We both are. In fact, I have found that lately, when I have woken up, AP is NOT the first thing I think about in the morning. That feels great. I am improving more and more each day. I am in this for the long haul. I really appreciate your honesty.