How do I get over my affair partner? I love him.

[ladydesigner]

Conqueror I agree that you most likely will need to leave your job. While there are a few WS's on here that I have read about having NC with their xAP's and work with them, I'm not sure this is the correct route to take.

 

If you really want to get over your xAP leaving the same place of employment is a good start.

 

Another question, do you think these so-called "feelings" for xAP are really just missing the way he made you feel as opposed to actually missing him? He doesn't sound like a good or even great candidate for a relationship so am wondering if you are holding onto the way the A made you feel?

[Conqueror]

There is an old saying that women give sex for attention and men give attention for sex.

 

 

Reread your first post. The OM’s attention made you feel great about yourself. Now you’re ashamed of yourself. You don’t miss the OM, you miss feeling great about yourself. The last time you felt great about yourself was when you were with the OM.

 

Wow, I never thought of that at all. Definitely something to consider. So many things around me remind me of AP...if I pass a restaurant that we went to, or the area where we raced, the beautiful resort where we had breakfast...when I drive by these places, I especially miss him and the times we shared. However, I am creating even better memories with my husband.

[Bryanp]

I am curious. What do you think your reaction would be if your husband had been doing to you what you have been doing to him? Do you think your reaction would be the same as your husband?

[Conqueror]

Do you still work with this person?

 

Yes, but I do not have to report to him. In fact, with in our profession, we do not have to go to an office everyday because we are always out in the field. The only time I would see him (if ever) would be at a company meeting, but those are few and far between. In fact, I don't think we will be having another meeting anytime soon. That could be months from now. Therefore, it is very rare that I see him-if ever. At the last meeting we had a couple of months ago, he did speak to me, but I ignored him. Also, I really love my career, so given the fact that I know we won't see each other much, I don't think there is anything to worry about there.

[Conqueror]

I am curious. What do you think your reaction would be if your husband had been doing to you what you have been doing to him? Do you think your reaction would be the same as your husband?

 

I have put myself in my husband's shoes, and to be honest, I do not think I would take it well at all. I would be devastated and hurt and angry. I would probably move out and stay with my mom had the shoe been on the other foot.

[Bryanp]

It is good that you are being honest. I think it will become clearer and clearer what a gift that your husband has given you by giving you a second chance. I do hope that you do not allow yourself to self-destruct your relationship with him. I wish you luck.

[Conqueror]

Conqueror I agree that you most likely will need to leave your job. While there are a few WS's on here that I have read about having NC with their xAP's and work with them, I'm not sure this is the correct route to take.

 

If you really want to get over your xAP leaving the same place of employment is a good start.

 

Another question, do you think these so-called "feelings" for xAP are really just missing the way he made you feel as opposed to actually missing him? He doesn't sound like a good or even great candidate for a relationship so am wondering if you are holding onto the way the A made you feel?

 

That makes sense, and something I need to seriously consider. I do miss the way he made me feel. And now that the dust has settled and I can see things more clearly, I do not feel I would be happy with him. You know, when I first started working for him and well before things happened between us, I directed my mom to his company facebook page and told her that was my new boss. I told my mom that he was a nice, married Christian man and that I was looking forward to a great work relationship. For some reason, when my mom first saw his photo, the first thing she was was that he was dangerous and to be careful. I was a little offended at first and asked my mom why and how she could say that if he didn't even know him. Turns out, she was right. I just don't understand how she knew.

[Conqueror]

I want to send you some compassion and a wish for strength. I feel your just being honest, the head knows you should let go and you know he is toxic but your heart and mind haven't been able to yet let go.

Please know this is natural.

Beyond your reconnection to your husband make sure you have done everything else such as get rid of music, momentos, emails, pictures.

Also if you can change your furniture around, repaint, let some fresh energy back in.

Do not force the letting go, it takes time but do not fantasize, listen to love songs, look for him online...you do need to grieve it...theres no way around an addiction, just through.

People will say you are a horrible mother and wife here. I believe thats unfair.

An affair is a weakness, a horrible choice, a mistake, then becomes a powerful addiction.

The withdrawal is completely normal and do not let this board define who you are but DO continue to make strides and forgive yourself and pursue new thoughts, meditate, try yoga, and keep one foot in front of the other and continue until the thoughts and pain fade.

You arent who this board tells you that you are...you are a person who faltered and caused harm yes, but you can still start fresh every day resolving to be a good, caring, loving person and kerp doing good deeds for others and drawing good energy into your life.

It will be ok. Stay strong.

 

 

I really, really appreciate you for words of encouragement. I can barely type this as I am crying. For so long, I have been beating myself up. I put on a brave face in front of my family, but sometimes when they leave the house, I feel so down and constantly ask myself how I could even do this in the first place. I always vowed to never allow anyone to control me. People can not do to you what you don't allow, but I ALLOWED this man to control me and I listened. I know that I will be OK. My focus is my family, so I need to discipline myself enough to where if thoughts about this guy arise, I need to train myself to dismiss those thoughts.

[Conqueror]

It is good that you are being honest. I think it will become clearer and clearer what a gift that your husband has given you by giving you a second chance. I do hope that you do not allow yourself to self-destruct your relationship with him. I wish you luck.

 

Thank you. I think I will be OK.

[road]

Wow, I never thought of that at all. Definitely something to consider. So many things around me remind me of AP...if I pass a restaurant that we went to, or the area where we raced, the beautiful resort where we had breakfast...when I drive by these places, I especially miss him and the times we shared. However, I am creating even better memories with my husband.

 

 

 

 

Now only do you need to leave the job for NC with the OM you also need to move far away from the places where you had your affair to end these triggers.

[privategal]

You are welcome.

Don't wear that scarlett letter.

The control is back with you and your safe with your husband where you belong.

its time to be happy again.

Edited January 6, 2016 by privategal

[66Charger]

Unfortunately, her husband is not safe with her.

 

And the scarlet letter belongs right where it is at as long as she is in love with another. And married.

 

It would be interesting to know his thoughts and living situation in 6 months.

 

Live your truth. But dont wake up to a nightmare

 

I will take my leave. Good day Miss.

Edited January 6, 2016 by 66Charger

[11012015]

People will say you are a horrible mother and wife here. I believe thats unfair.

 

Horrible wife is unfair? Wow. Just wow.

[merrmeade]

Seems like you've heard here what you needed and possibly were hoping you'd hear. But it seems to me that what you're really remembering about this affair has not been fully exposed—what you think about, what he actually said and did and why. There are so many things you said that have been said here before. You don't seem to realize that the things he told you may have been to ply you and pull you in. The fact that he'd had other relationships and was still thinking of another woman even after he got married didn't faze you. I think it's really important to look at what you actually say and think about that time with him - that what makes you long for him is almost formulaic- mutual flattery, power and submission, creating an aura of exclusivity, exaggerating family circumstances...:

He told me he felt a connection to me and that he loved me within a month. The feelings were mutual.

Our conversations were great.

We confided in each other about a lot.

He did, however, wine and dine me.

He even drove by my house one night to see where I lived and told me about it the next day.

We decided that we needed to be together and

He told me the ball was in my court and asked me when we could be together.

...he called back telling me that he missed me and loved me.

You probably have been daydreaming about the feelings engendered in each of these scenes, but really look at the mutual flattery, the ways you made each other feel special. It feels special, but it's been repeated over and over by many other couples seeking the same feelings of unreality. It fills a need at the time as you write your own romance novel. Look up "limerance."

 

Next are the examples of how he started controlling you:

• He confessed that he didn't love his wife and actually never did.
  
• Confessed? Was it painful for him to say? You know, don't you, they always say this?
  
• ...he started making plans to move out of their family home and get an apartment for he and I.
  
• He told me not to make love to my husband, and I didn't.
  
• He asked me not to tell my husband EVER, because if I did and if my husband stepped to him, he would murder my husband. (I believe he was just blowing hot air).
  
• He said that he would stay with his wife, "Not because I love her, because I DON'T! I am only with her because of what scripture (the Bible) says. I am going to love my wife like Christ loves the church."
  
• He told me that because I couldn't make up my mind, he would stay with his wife.
  
• He told me that life is funny sometimes, and that maybe somehow, someway we would end up together. I asked, "how? Your wife is not letting you go."
  
• But he said that his wife was not an active person and she could end up getting high blood pressure or heart disease and dying from it, ...
  
• He told me that love scared him because you can't control it.
  
• I am so in love with this man still.

It's seductive to feel that someone needs/craves you so much it makes him APPEAR to lose control. I think you were flattered by his passion. He was making excuses and blaming his wife. And you bought it and blamed her as well. He blames you?! He never meant to leave her and you don't really know about his marriage. Much of what he's told you could be contrived to manipulate your feelings. He was even using religion to add drama to the situation and impress you.Did you really fall for these lines?

 

[Friskyone4u]

Conqueror,

 

It is good you are trying to figure this out, and at least shows you are trying. That does not put you in the honest category because you are not in IC ( if I missed it I am sorry) trying to help you get to the bottom of this.

 

There are a couple of things I find strange.

(1) that a guy who threatens your hiusband and who claims to have been madly in love with you has just "given up" trying to lure you back in. You say there has been total NC for months, yet if you work for same company you obviously cannot block him. So OM has not tried to lure you back in?????????

(2) you are still not being HONEST with your husband. You ARE trying to compensate by being attentive because that makes your guilt less obtrusive.

 

Now here is where I may get some flack. Your husband, in my opinion, has not helped himself by basically playing Mr. Nice Guy and making an attempt to "rugsweep" this affair and make it go away. Yes he talked to OM, but OM does not give a crap about your husband.

 

Since you did not work before and really had nothing to lose other than the job, you SHOULD have on your own sent a written communication to OM telling him that if he uttered one word to you at a meeting or anywhere else your would file a complaint with HR, regardless of the consequences for you. He may not give a crap about his wife or ex wife, but he probably does care about his job.

 

Quite frankly, your husband also should have demanded you quit that job immediately. I am a little confused as to how in the beginning you had so much time with OM or he was your supervisor and how now you hardly see him. WHO GOT TRANSFERRED???? You or him??????

 

So now your husband thinks he is home free and you are secretly pining away for another man. That is not going to go away as quickly because you really have not had any consequences for your affair. You still have your family, your job, and a husband who wants to make believe it did not happen, so all of your affair memories are just fond memories of good times, not a real threat to your lifestyle.

 

You are not a horrible person. But you are going to be vulnerable to a relapse unless you truly believe any screw up will end your marriage. From what you have posted , your husband would probably still accept it again.

 

My suggestion is for you to get to IC or MC where you feel safer confessing what you are feeling and get this all out in the open. You are still leading a double life, reminiscing about your affair with pleasant thoughts.

 

And that is not good. A man who outright threatened the safety of a man you supposedly love should invoke horror in you, not pleasant thought and pining.

 

You need to figure that one out.

[privategal]

Horrible wife is unfair? Wow. Just wow.

 

It is because she said she was reconnecting with her husband, out of the affair and just that feelings still lingered and she was unsure what to do about that.

She's remorseful and feelings aren't a lightswitch to be shut on and off. The brain doesnt just say oh that was wrong, I hurt my family and so I kill the feelings and at the same time should be hanged, any self worth, trying, remorse and redeeming qualities discarded of because I had an affair?

No sorry she should not wear a Scarlett letter because some advice board full of strangers SAYS so. She will determine her future and choices, her forgiveness of herself and the healthiest ways to let go of her feelings as she tries to right her wrongs.

She doesn't need preaching and your morals and soap box judgement to determine her self worth.

Her own husband accepted her back and forgave her and just because she was transparent here that there were lingering feelings (which are NORMAL right or wrong theres no magic wand) doesn't make her less human and deserving of support, healthy compassion, and a second chance.

She didn't ask to be accepted and told she was fine for her past. She feels pain and conflict.

I read she was trying HARD with her husband.

If it makes you feel better to judge someone you don't know and bully them from behind your computer screen anonymously, have at it but I believe people change and can be forgiven and no matter how loudly or strongly you wanna throw stones and judgement at her, it doesn't make you right. She opened up on here and it made her (and everyone who posts here) a target to judgement and a firing squad and its just the name of the game here.

Everyone else of course who throws angry passive aggresive judgement is ok...their life and decisions, morals and life are unflawed and mistake and lie free and perfect right?

No. We don't know her. We should all try and HELP people rather than throwing the book at them and taking shots.

You feel better now that you did so and put her down? You shouldn't. She KNOWS her judgement sucked and her choices were wrong...so...you win?

Edited January 8, 2016 by privategal

[66Charger]

Calling out her current behaviour is putting her down? Those that find it APPALLING that a WS, male or female could still be in love with the AP that threatened their wife/husbands life should be silent?

 

Being IN LOVE WITH YOUR AP is not "lingering feelings". Its living a lie.

She posted here, knowing what would come, for a reason. She could have posted on the pillows and tissues section, but chose not to. She knew what she was doing.

 

Something is wrong when bad behavior should be tolerated and understood. And calling out something is "shaming". And suggesting to others that they continue to lie and take it to their grave and dont "burden" the BS is being supportive.

 

I dont think so.

 

People should write what they want to write and anyone who suggest censorship, should remain silent. Who here can say that their way is the right way or worse, the only way.

 

Regardless, people can change, but she hasnt...yet. The main purpose of the harsh is to convince the OP that the AP is dirt. To change her thought patterns, not about herself, but about HIM. If that occurs, then I am sure HER HUSBAND would appreciate the 2x4s

 

Strength and Honor

Edited January 8, 2016 by 66Charger

[TX-SC]

I have to agree with 66Charger here. The fact that she is trying to fix things with her husband is in no way indicative of her being a "good wife." She cheated and had an affair. That's forgivable over time, but the fact that she is still pining over the OM neans she has not given her heart completely to her husband. She should keep that scarlet letter for a while. She earned it and continues to earn it.

 

Honestly, I think the OPis lying to herself. I think she has fallen out of love with her husband and is forcing herself to THINK otherwise in order to try and save her marriage. Even though she can see that the OM was a predator, she still loves him. I don't doubt that he will find a crack in her armor and find a way back in. She still works with him, albeit not often. He knows he needs to bide his time for a while then make another move. At that time, things will have calmed with the husband and gotten back into their old grind. She'll be ripe for the picking. Since there is no mention of IC, we can assume that she hasn't fixed whatever was broken to begin with. If I was in the OM's shoes, that's EXACTLY how I would play her. Give her time to get bored with hubby again, then make my move.

 

I'm certainly not saying that infidelity is a death sentance. But I really don't see anything positive here. Yes, she is being super attentive to her husband, but she hasn't fixed herself or her marriage in any meaningful way. She should seek out a counselor and figure out why she needed that extra attention. Why did she cheat? Why did she open her heart to him and then get physical? There is a lot here that has not been addressed. Until you address it, you can not be healed.

 

OP, I wish you luck. I think you have bigger problems than you think you do. When your mom told you to watch out for that man, I don't think she was seeing something in HIM. She was seeing something in YOU.

[Horton]

No, I have not told my husband about my feelings for AP. I just treat him like a king, because that's what he deserves. My husband just wants for us to move forward and does not want AP's name mentioned again in our conversations.

 

I find it hard to believe that your husband, who deemed you worth fighting for even after your affair would prefer to be kept in the dark about how you really feel about him and the OM. In your own words, you are "in love" with your OM, do you really believe that your husband would prefer to remain married indefinitely to a woman who doesn't love him as a wife is meant to love her husband? Why would he want that, how does that benefit him in anyway? Wouldn't he rather know what's actually going on with you so he can make an informed decision about how to move forward, whether that's with you and he demands some type of MC to work through this or if that's without you and he seeks a divorce, he has a right to know that you don't feel the same way about him anymore. It's been several months now, when do you think it's no longer acceptable to pull the wool over his eyes, a year, a decade?

Is he content with being your roommate while you pine for another guy, the same guy who threatened to kill him, who almost ruined his children's family and nearly relegated him to a weekend dad? You're telling us that he'd be fine with that or that he'd rather bury his head in the sand instead of face up to reality? If that's actually true then you have another problem on your hands OP. Cause you're husband would have to be mentally ill for that to be true, since no man in his right frame of mind would be content with being a substitute husband to a woman that prefers another. This man's self esteem would have to be almost nonexistent at that point in order to be happy with that arrangement.

 

I am not even sure if telling him that I still love AP is worth mentioning. I believe that I am at the point where even if AP called me tomorrow saying that he wanted us to see each other again, I would say no. I guess I just have to wait for these feelings to pass. But my BH's and my reconciliation is not a false one. I really do love him and believe that we can move forward. It was very difficult the first few months, because I was not even able to suppress my feelings for AP. I am in a much better place now.

 

A woman cannot be in love with two men at the same time, you may love your husband now, but in order for you to be in love with your OM(which you claim to be) your love for your husband would have to be that of a brother at best. As far as not agreeing to see the OM if he calls and asks, that's pretty speculative IMO. Until he does ask, you cannot be certain what you would do. You don't even have the willpower to stop thinking about him everyday nor to feel any differently about him even after he almost helped you ruin your family, so how can you be so certain that you'd be able to tell him no just like that?

 

He knew not to threaten my children. That's a no no. I looked at that threat to my husband as him blowing hot air. Sometimes, he just talks sideways. Even his wife knows this. In one of my conversations with her, I did tell her about my husband's threats, but she said, "oh, he was just talking. He doesn't handle situations well sometimes."

 

Why is threatening your kids a "no no" in your world, but threatening your husband is just blowing hot air? Do you see the contradiction here? Your husband is not a priority in your heart. If you're treating him like a king as you claim(and I've no reason to doubt it) then I would suggest to you that you spend some time questioning your own motives, as it sound like you're behaving out of guilt for betraying and humiliating him and not out of desire for him as a man.

I do love God and I have Christian roots. There is no need for me to be defensive, as I overstand that I was completely wrong. There is absolutely NO excuse for what I did. I should have communicated with my husband from the very beginning before all of this happened. I had been on this forum for months off and on reading the posts of others who were in situations similar to mine, and I did see some of the feedback they got. When I finally got the courage to post, I knew that what to expect. I told myself not to get mad because this was a situation that I helped to create.

 

I take it you having Christian roots means you are not a Christian, but grew up in a household that presumably was? Either way I would suggest you study the word again, specifically in regards to being truthful and not deceiving others. As this behavior appears to be a besetting sin in your life. You've come up with so many "reasons" in your own mind why it's acceptable for you to deceive your husband, but I think that deep down you know that it's just rationalizing on your part, but your spirit is at war with your heart.

 

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 17:9

 

Our culture tells each of us(particularly the women among us) that we should follow our heart at all costs, but this is a lie that's intended to lead us astray and blind us to truth. Our hearts are not pure, nor are they fit to be our guide. Following your heart is what has left you with a guilty conscience, a betrayed husband, a damaged marriage and a family unit that could come apart at the seams at any given moment.

 

I hate to just throw quotes at you, but this one keeps swirling around in my mind whenever I read your justifications for lying.

 

“So convenient a thing to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for every thing one has a mind to do.”

-Benjamin Franklin

 

In short, your motives for deceiving your husband are not altruistic, no matter how much you'd want to believe they are.

I hope my feelings for AP changes in the future..and soon!

 

As do I, but not at the expense of your husband living a lie. If you do the right thing and confess to him that you're still in love with your OM he may very well decide that he's finally had enough and divorce you, or he could demand that you get into MC with him and be completely transparent from now on or perhaps something else, who can truly know for certain how he'll respond? But continuing to pine away for your OM in secret while deceiving your husband is not a real option if you desire to live authentically.

[66Charger]

I really think the OP knows this. But i think what is also true is that you cant switch your heart on and off like a light switch. Actually, you can if you are faced with devastating consequences. The mistake the OP is making is thinking that she has time, which is the only thing that changes the heart. One of the following scenarios will probally happpen in the very near future.

 

1. Things remain the same, the AP reaches out and the A continues. Highly likely.

 

2. The Husband hits the anger and indignant stage or he finds out she is still pining. Then the choice is no longer hers. Reality hits hard in divorce court. Again, highly likely.

 

3. She gets into IC, not MC and gets clarity. Rebuilds her marriage honestly or divorces.

 

4. None of the above. And they continue to rugsweep and live a lie.

 

Right now OP, you think you have control of the situation by pacifying your husband and silently loving the other. You will either wake up and say OMG, I almost lost my husband or you will realise the marriage is dead and move on without the AP or your Husband.

 

You should follow your heart. Dont fake a reconciliation. Perhaps you should seperate from your husband and figure out your truth. Is it really the AP? Or is it the "new love" that you miss. Remove the AP from your life first. Understand who he really is. It is ok to want more love and more affection and more intimacy. Can you get this from your husband? As.mm.wrote, you probaly received what you were looking for on the Infidelity forum. You must chose your direction soon, before you run out of time.

Edited January 8, 2016 by 66Charger

[irishguy]

If you really want to save your marriage ,you need to be honest with your husband about your feelings ,he deserves the truth .A separation might be the wakeup call you need .Does your husband know you thought the guy was your soulmate .

[Babs22]

Conqueror,

I think you are on your way to recovery from this and you will get to the point when you don't still think about your AP. First and foremost, you do love your husband. That is very important.

 

You say you are in love with your AP, but I do not think you really are. You love the IDEA of your AP, but you do not love him. You love the feelings you felt and you miss that. Personally, the way you wrote about your AP, made him sound unstable and I think you know that. The way he was pushing you to make a decision you did not want to make. You really dodged a bullet.

 

I think one of the reasons you are not over him, is that you only did date him for 5 months. That is the most intense time for the Affair feelings. You also didn't have time to realize for yourself that this would not have been a healthy relationship. If your relationship had continued, I think you would have seen more and more red flags.

 

You do not need to tell your husband that you still have feelings for this man, because the feelings you have are for the feelings you felt. You want to feel like that again. Please work with your IC to get a realistic view of what that man was and why you were in a relationship with someone like that. He never had your best interest at heart. He sounds like a very selfish man. You told him you could not leave your husband, and he tried to force you to leave him now! Whether blowing hot air or not, saying he would murder your husband, is juvenile at best. And it shows total disregard for you or your children.

 

Please work with your IC on getting over MM. Perhaps work with your MC on how to build the feelings you are missing with your H. You said your MM was excited about the dreams you have. Have you ever spoken to your H about your dreams? I do think it would be best if you could find employment in a company where he is not the boss. I think seeing him at all, hinders your ability to heal. You will get over him, it just takes time.

[Conqueror]

I totally appreciate your response, Babs. What you said makes A LOT of sense. Its true, we were not together long, but the time that we were together was very intense. One of the things I missed most about him was our lunch dates and the conversations we had. Planning for our future together. That was something that my husband and I really never did prior to this situation happening. In addition, AP would make plans to take me to different places in our area, and I was super excited to visit these places with him. But when things ended abruptly, I was devastated. Moreover, I would pass by those very places where he once planned on taking me, and I would cry because things ended before we got the chance to visit those places together. I do miss the way I felt when I was with him. Yes, I saw red flags. Yes, he would say things that were very crazy and that would make him seem unstable. However, I must admit that I had the time of my life with him. We had so much fun together. We were very happy together. He motivated me in ways that I had never been before. As a stay-at-home mom, I felt as though my life was passing me by and I started to feel "old." I started even believing that I was getting to old to follow my dreams. When I told him that, he thought I was being ridiculous and told me to go out there and get it. He told me that I had exactly what it took to reach my dreams and aspirations. Moreover, I had his support. We would spend entire lunches mapping out a plan to reach those goals. I really loved that about him, because my husband did not motivate me. Whenever I would tell him about my goals, I would just get negative feedback from him, but that was due to his upbringing. He just wanted me home with the kids.

[LAGirl65]

You think you love this other person but ITS NOT REAL. Its a fantasy.

 

Think about what made you feel good when you were together? Sexual/romantic attention? For many married people the fantasy of dating and romance without ANY REALITY WHATSOEVER is attractive. You can inject more of that in your marriage with some effort. Find out what was missing in your marriage and get more of it. Think back to when you were dating your husband, before kids and life and responsibilities....do those things with your husband again!!

 

You never had to live with MM or experience anything except what you wanted to see.

 

He is NOT a good person if he would threaten your family.

 

He is NOT a good person if he would wish his wife dead.

 

He is NOT a good person if he would out you after agreeing to NC.

 

What did you actually like about him other than chemistry?

 

Yes, your conversations were probably great because they did not revolve around your shared responsibilities. There is only fun, no stress, no bad parts to it. Would he have wanted to be a stepfather to your kids? Would you WANT him parenting your kids?

 

Your story is too much like mine except I was not married and he was.

 

People who cheat are liars and cheats; how could you EVER live with him and trust him? I wonder how many other affairs he had before you? don't believe him when he says None.

 

If you are going to stay with hubby, WORK ON IT. Stop thinking about MM. Go to counseling if you have to learn techniques to get him out of your head. No contact, delete all messages, all texts, all photos, no fantasies.....cut him out of your life. Like a alcoholic staying away from drinking, its hard. You can do it. Your husband sounds like a keeper.

[Conqueror]

Thank you LAGirl! I really appreciate your response. Believe it or not, I am feeling much better now than I did a couple of weeks ago. Many times, I feel that I am healing and on the right track. Then, out of nowhere, something will suddenly trigger the feelings I have/had for him. Yes, I can finally admit that after all of this time, it was a fantasy. He seemed to be everything I ever needed and wanted. The chemistry that we had was awesome. Then again, I guess all affairs start that way. For the people who know about my situation, most of them tell me that he has done this before. I denied this for a long time, thinking that this man is a Christian man who just "slipped" and fell in love with me just like I fell in love with him. As time passes, there is something in my gut that tells me that maybe he has done this before. I hope that he hasn't. But I do remember him telling me stories about how he has been with a lot of women, all prior to marrying his wife, of course. It seemed that he always liked to brag about how many of his female clients wanted him. I honestly don't think that I would be happy living with him and there are several reasons for that. You said that my situation sounded a lot like yours. If you don't mind, would you please tell me how long it took you to get over your AP and how you were finally able to stop thinking about him on a daily basis?