How do I get over my affair partner? I love him.

[Ms. Faust]

What if he did hurt your husband, thus damaging your children mentally and emotionally for life. Would you still be pining and in love with this man? I am surprised you didn't run screaming the other way from this comment alone.

[Marc878]

You and your H should set down and read "His Needs, Her Needs" together.

 

There is an excellent post on the infidelity section. What every wayward spouse needs to know. Read it.

 

Reconciliation takes a lot of work.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

Edited January 5, 2016 by Marc878

[66Charger]

I appreciate your comment. I did learn my lesson...in more ways than one. I would never want to hurt my husband again in that manner. I am totally committed to him. I just don't want to think about AP again.

 

What lesson have you learned?

 

6 hours ago, you were IN LOVE with your AP, wrote sweet things about him and desired him so and wrote all the things your H didnt do.

 

If your husband read this RECENT revelation and knew how you feel about the AP, would he not be hurt? Would he divorce you?

 

WAKE UP!! I dont think you are a bad person, but Dont assume your husband is "A Ok" and you have the luxury to pine for your AP. Do you really think he doesnt see you pining? And the AP laughing in his face will come back to haunt you. That was dirty and disrespectful. You really dont understand this or the threat. A price will be paid for that sooner or later.

 

What is your husband thinking right now? Do you know?

 

Personally, I think you should be with the man you are "in love with" and not USE the man you "love" Let him go. No man wants this.

 

The pillows and tissues will come. I wish your husband well

Edited January 5, 2016 by 66Charger

[Conqueror]

If you really, truly want to get over your affair partner, you have to fight for it. It's like any other addiction: smoking, drugs, alcohol, food, etc. You have to actively force those thoughts out your head. You have to reassociate those experiences with negative feelings.

 

Ever see a hard core drug addict and wonder "why don't they just stop?" That's the way everyone else sees your situation. It's obvious you're addicted to something that's absolutely horrible for you. You feed the addiction with the thoughts, longing and fantasies. Fight those thoughts and force them out of your head. Replace them with thoughts of your family and their well-being. Minute by minute, thought by thought challenge those feelings.

 

Also, know the difference between grief and general sadness/depression. You've experienced a few losses. The loss of a couple relationships, the loss of your self respect and the loss of the stability of your life. You're going to feel kinda crappy and emotional for a while. Don't mistake that for "needing" this other guy. I can assure you that whatever short term relief he could provide you will only prolong the withdrawal. He is your opiate, your heroin and will kill you just the same.

 

 

I so needed to hear that. Thank you.

[Conqueror]

Wow, your AP sounds psychotic. He threatened to murder your husband and talks religious mumbo jumbo. Can I ask how you can possibly love someone who sounds so unhinged?

 

I ask myself this question a lot. As far as him threatening to kill my husband, I never believed for a minute that he would actually do it. He is a coward and a bunch of talk.

[Mr Blunt]

We vowed to never have a sexual relationship because we didn't want to hurt our spouses and our children

.

Your vows meant nothing.

You had a sexual relationship with him OM which proved that you wanted to please yourself even if it meant that you betrayed your husband and children.

 

 

I am only with her because of what scripture (the Bible) says. I am going to love my wife like Christ loves the church."

Your AP is extremely disgusting. He is trying to act like he is so devoted to his Bible and Christ yet he willfully goes against what the Bible and Christ’s teaching. Your AP is emotionally and spiritually bankrupt and is a weakling. He has also learned how to be a manipulator and will betray his wife, his faith, and his children, for his own selfishness. Nothing is more disgusting than a person that tries to use the Bible and Christ to put a coat of virtue over willful sinful actions that damage and devastate innocent children.

 

 

 

 

 

I really do love my husband and don't want my marriage to end. We also have beautiful children together. I love my family.

Your actions contradict your statements above.

 

 

 

The foundations of love are loyalty, commitment, and sacrifice. Your actions with the adulterous OM violates every one of those foundations. You have willingly chosen to allow your emotions to control your actions and emotions cannot always be trusted. You have weakened yourself considerably.

 

My advice to you is to get the right kind of help professionally and other helps immediately. You need to use all your strength to get rid of your destructive teenage thinking about the manipulating OM. You must seek and find the right help then put all your efforts into doing what is right or you will have inflicted serious permanent damage on yourself and family.

 

You were bold enough to betray your family so are you now bold enough to do whatever it takes to get a lot better without excuses?

 

 

You can get a LOT better but do not play games but be be dead serious about your repentance.

[road]

Do you still work for the same business as the OM?

 

 

What have you done so that you will have NC with the OM?

 

 

How has your BH been taking D day?

Does your BH know everything, that you stopped having sex with your BH because the OM told you to cut off your BH?

What have you done to repair the broken trust?

[Horton]

Initially he seemed so supportive of my dreams me aspirations when my husband did not.

 

But when AP starting wining and dining and planning trips for us...when we would meet for lunch to discuss my goals so that we could devise a plan for those goals to come into fruition, I was beside myself.

 

Also, to be honest I did see many red flags in the beginning now that I look back, but I chalked it up to him just "talking crazy," or he didn't mean it. He once told me that he had such a relationship with God that he would wake up speaking in tongues.

 

This OM of yours is so completely full of crap it actually made me chuckle reading this. A speaking in tongues alarm clock, what a jerk.

 

From what you've said so far it sounds like you've been secretly pining for him these past eight months while your husband has been attempting to win you back. Is this accurate? You still haven't made it clear as to whether or not you've told your husband how you still feel about the OM.

 

Does he know that you're still in love with the OM? If so then at least nobody can accuse you of behaving deceptively. If not then why are you putting your husband through a false reconciliation? What has he done to merit being treated in such a way?

 

I ask myself this question a lot. As far as him threatening to kill my husband, I never believed for a minute that he would actually do it. He is a coward and a bunch of talk.

 

Just the fact that he would make such a threat at all is disturbing, not to mention the fact that you're somehow still in love with him post murder-threats. Is it just the fact that it was your husband he threatened that makes you so blase about it? What if he threatens to harm your children next time, then what will you do? I guess what I'm asking you is, what does this POS have to say or do for you to realize just how awful he is?

 

Also your AP claims to be a Christian, so are you a professing believer as well, Is your husband? I will say in your favor, that you're taking everybody's words a lot better than many women in your shoes do, you're not being defensive and whiny towards people's honest criticism so far, in spite of the "Don't judge me." tone of your initial post, so you got that going for you.

 

IMO that's a good sign, it means you're farther along than it initially seemed. You've already come to the conclusion that your own feelings in regards to the OM are both immoral and irrational even without a bunch of anonymous strangers on the internet having to drag you into that direction kicking and screaming, which is a big plus in my book.

 

You're conflicted about how you feel about him though so this could potentially change at some point in the future. I'd advise you to stick around and grow a thick skin as you may be the type of person who needs to have that angel on your shoulder's voice echoed by others before it actually begins to sink in. Or maybe it won't change anything and you'll leave here exactly as you came, if so at least you haven't lost anything except a minimal amount of your free time.

Edited January 5, 2016 by Horton

[11012015]

He told me not to make love to my husband, and I didn't.

 

This is disgusting!

[malvern99]

If someone threatened to kill the mother of my children, blowing off steam or no, we are going to have a problem. Just the thought of the potential trauma that would cause my kids is unspeakable to me. Love would be the furthest thing from my mind from that moment on, but hey, that's just me.

 

Are you 100% transparent with your BH? You know him better than us internet strangers. Tell us how you think your husband would react if he found out you were still pining for this POS. I'm not saying you should tell him how you are struggling, I am just curious how you think he would react to that piece of news. Were I him, I would feel that the OM is your true "love" and I am just a place holder, and I would promptly wish you and POS well and move on. Look, every ounce of energy you spend on the POS that threatened to murder the father of your children is an ounce you steal from your BH and your children. The choice is yours.

 

By the way, in your year of therapy have you found your whys yet for why you made the choices you made?

[Conqueror]

What lesson have you learned?

 

6 hours ago, you were IN LOVE with your AP, wrote sweet things about him and desired him so and wrote all the things your H didnt do.

 

If your husband read this RECENT revelation and knew how you feel about the AP, would he not be hurt? Would he divorce you?

 

WAKE UP!! I dont think you are a bad person, but Dont assume your husband is "A Ok" and you have the luxury to pine for your AP. Do you really think he doesnt see you pining? And the AP laughing in his face will come back to haunt you. That was dirty and disrespectful. You really dont understand this or the threat. A price will be paid for that sooner or later.

 

What is your husband thinking right now? Do you know?

 

Personally, I think you should be with the man you are "in love with" and not USE the man you "love" Let him go. No man wants this.

 

The pillows and tissues will come. I wish your husband well

 

I don't mean to pine for my AP. I try not to think about him. He and I haven't spoken in months and am devoted to my family. I try to make sure that I treat my husband like a king at all times, because he deserves nothing less. We are in a good place right now. I don't want my AP back, truthfully. I know he is not good for me. I just want to get rid of the feelings I have for him. My husband doesn't even want his name mentioned in our conversations ever again, so I am not going to bring him up.

[Conqueror]

If someone threatened to kill the mother of my children, blowing off steam or no, we are going to have a problem. Just the thought of the potential trauma that would cause my kids is unspeakable to me. Love would be the furthest thing from my mind from that moment on, but hey, that's just me.

 

Are you 100% transparent with your BH? You know him better than us internet strangers. Tell us how you think your husband would react if he found out you were still pining for this POS. I'm not saying you should tell him how you are struggling, I am just curious how you think he would react to that piece of news. Were I him, I would feel that the OM is your true "love" and I am just a place holder, and I would promptly wish you and POS well and move on. Look, every ounce of energy you spend on the POS that threatened to murder the father of your children is an ounce you steal from your BH and your children. The choice is yours.

 

By the way, in your year of therapy have you found your whys yet for why you made the choices you made?

 

 

If my BH found out how I still felt for AP, he would be awfully hurt. I am not sure if he would leave me or not. And since my husband doesn't even want his name mentioned anymore, I won't mention this to him. I am a good wife to my husband, but secretly, I struggle with my feelings for my AP.

[Conqueror]

This is disgusting!

 

I completely agree. In spite of the feelings I still have for AP, letting him go has allowed me to see things with clearer eyes. You are right. That was disgusting. And for me to go along with it sickens me.

[Conqueror]

This OM of yours is so completely full of crap it actually made me chuckle reading this. A speaking in tongues alarm clock, what a jerk.

 

From what you've said so far it sounds like you've been secretly pining for him these past eight months while your husband has been attempting to win you back. Is this accurate? You still haven't made it clear as to whether or not you've told your husband how you still feel about the OM.

 

No, I have not told my husband about my feelings for AP. I just treat him like a king, because that's what he deserves. My husband just wants for us to move forward and does not want AP's name mentioned again in our conversations.

 

Does he know that you're still in love with the OM? If so then at least nobody can accuse you of behaving deceptively. If not then why are you putting your husband through a false reconciliation? What has he done to merit being treated in such a way?

 

I am not even sure if telling him that I still love AP is worth mentioning. I believe that I am at the point where even if AP called me tomorrow saying that he wanted us to see each other again, I would say no. I guess I just have to wait for these feelings to pass. But my BH's and my reconciliation is not a false one. I really do love him and believe that we can move forward. It was very difficult the first few months, because I was not even able to suppress my feelings for AP. I am in a much better place now.

 

 

Just the fact that he would make such a threat at all is disturbing, not to mention the fact that you're somehow still in love with him post murder-threats. Is it just the fact that it was your husband he threatened that makes you so blase about it? What if he threatens to harm your children next time, then what will you do? I guess what I'm asking you is, what does this POS have to say or do for you to realize just how awful he is?

He knew not to threaten my children. That's a no no. I looked at that threat to my husband as him blowing hot air. Sometimes, he just talks sideways. Even his wife knows this. In one of my conversations with her, I did tell her about my husband's threats, but she said, "oh, he was just talking. He doesn't handle situations well sometimes."

 

Also your AP claims to be a Christian, so are you a professing believer as well, Is your husband? I will say in your favor, that you're taking everybody's words a lot better than many women in your shoes do, you're not being defensive and whiny towards people's honest criticism so far, in spite of the "Don't judge me." tone of your initial post, so you got that going for you.

I do love God and I have Christian roots. There is no need for me to be defensive, as I overstand that I was completely wrong. There is absolutely NO excuse for what I did. I should have communicated with my husband from the very beginning before all of this happened. I had been on this forum for months off and on reading the posts of others who were in situations similar to mine, and I did see some of the feedback they got. When I finally got the courage to post, I knew that what to expect. I told myself not to get mad because this was a situation that I helped to create.

 

IMO that's a good sign, it means you're farther along than it initially seemed. You've already come to the conclusion that your own feelings in regards to the OM are both immoral and irrational even without a bunch of anonymous strangers on the internet having to drag you into that direction kicking and screaming, which is a big plus in my book.

 

I appreciate that.

 

You're conflicted about how you feel about him though so this could potentially change at some point in the future. I'd advise you to stick around and grow a thick skin as you may be the type of person who needs to have that angel on your shoulder's voice echoed by others before it actually begins to sink in. Or maybe it won't change anything and you'll leave here exactly as you came, if so at least you haven't lost anything except a minimal amount of your free time.

I hope my feelings for AP changes in the future..and soon!

[Conqueror]

Do you still work for the same business as the OM?

 

We work for the same business, but I transferred to another location. I no longer report to him, though I see him at company meetings from time to time. But those are few and far between. At the last meeting, he did speak to me, but I ignored him.

 

 

What have you done so that you will have NC with the OM?

 

His wife called me and told me to leave him alone and that if he and I did not stop talking, she would tell my husband. So I told my husband myself which pissed off AP. My husband called AP and told him to stay away and never to contact me again. The contact with my husband was enough to make AP stay away. He wife knew about our affair before my husband did, but he still continued to see me and told me not to tell my husband. He told me that he had his wife "in a good place," prior to BH knowing. But all bets were off once he found out.

 

 

How has your BH been taking D day?

Does your BH know everything, that you stopped having sex with your BH because the OM told you to cut off your BH?

What have you done to repair the broken trust?

 

Yes my husband knew about AP telling me not to have sex with him. In fact, my husband guessed that much before I told him. He said, "I bet this guy was telling you not to have sex with me. Is that why we haven't had sex in so long?" I admitted that it was the truth. My husband is a LOT better now and he knows I love him very much. At first, he was very hurt and even considered moving out, but said that we would fight. To repair the broken trust, I make sure that I am honest with him at all times. I tell him about any interaction that we may have at a meeting-no matter how small. I made sure that he knows my Facebook info (even though AP and I never connected on FB) email accounts. He can look at my cell phone anytime he wants to check my text messages. However, he doesn't check my accounts, because he says he isn't going to live his life that way. However, if he decides to randomly check, everything is open. I affirm him everyday.

[road]

Yes my husband knew about AP telling me not to have sex with him. In fact, my husband guessed that much before I told him. He said, "I bet this guy was telling you not to have sex with me. Is that why we haven't had sex in so long?" I admitted that it was the truth. My husband is a LOT better now and he knows I love him very much. At first, he was very hurt and even considered moving out, but said that we would fight. To repair the broken trust, I make sure that I am honest with him at all times. I tell him about any interaction that we may have at a meeting-no matter how small. I made sure that he knows my Facebook info (even though AP and I never connected on FB) email accounts. He can look at my cell phone anytime he wants to check my text messages. However, he doesn't check my accounts, because he says he isn't going to live his life that way. However, if he decides to randomly check, everything is open. I affirm him everyday.

 

 

 

The bolded text is a huge problem.

 

 

As long as you continue to have any contact with the OM you will never detox from your addiction to the OM. This is why you still have strong feelings for the OM even after all that happened.

 

 

You must have NC, no contact with the OM. You need to leave this job ASAP.

[Buckeye2]

There is an old saying that women give sex for attention and men give attention for sex.

 

 

Reread your first post. The OM’s attention made you feel great about yourself. Now you’re ashamed of yourself. You don’t miss the OM, you miss feeling great about yourself. The last time you felt great about yourself was when you were with the OM.

[TX-SC]

You need some IC and you should seek it out as soon as possible.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it. I really do love my husband and don't want my marriage to end. We also have beautiful children together. I love my family. I am going to continue to work on myself and look deep inside and find out why on earth I would be attracted to someone like that. Truth be told, I really did think that AP and I would end up together. Initially he seemed so supportive of my dreams me aspirations when my husband did not. Initially my husband didn't care about me having a job or any kind of career. He just wanted me to stay home and care for him and our children but I also grew board as a result. I felt I couldn't thrive and I had no outlet. I felt life was passing me by. I didn't feel important to him. We never went out on dates or anything as he didn't see the need. But when AP starting wining and dining and planning trips for us...when we would meet for lunch to discuss my goals so that we could devise a plan for those goals to come into fruition, I was beside myself. My husband and I had never done that in our years of being together. I am not making excuses at all. Also, to be honest I did see many red flags in the beginning now that I look back, but I chalked it up to him just "talking crazy," or he didn't mean it. He once told me that he had such a relationship with God that he would wake up speaking in tongues. My head tells me that he and I should not be together and that I should run from him. On the outside, it looks like I have done just that. Just waiting for my heart to catch up. I am so stupid!

 

I don't mean to make you feel worse than you already do.

Take a look in the mirror. You didn't love your husband and you didn't love your family either. If you did, you would never be so irresponsible as you have been. You were only selfish. Now, I'm not saying that your husband was handling things well either. He should have been more involved in your own aspirations of life.

Ultimately, however, its important that you understand the word "responsibility", because its primarily your responsibility to reach out to meet your needs in life, for your own happiness and well being. Its all so easy to find the easiest path and be so selfish that you have your needs met without even thinking about your husband and family.

 

A responsible wife would have reached out to her husband, and lovingly talked, and counseled, and brought out the fact that her needs were not being met in some way.

 

It seems that your husband still loves you, inspite of such a harrowing pain and suffering he must feel. Unless its only his male ago that wants to keep the marriage together (which can possibly also be the case). If he is "fighting for you" however, it means he truly loved you and its not just his male ago that he is trying to protect by trying to save the marriage. If its the later, as a wife, you are extremely lucky to have a husband like that. You should probably worship him everyday, thank your stars and tell him how sorry you are for making such a huge blunder in your life and causing so much pain. You probably don't understand the amount of trauma you may have caused him. Read more about it. You may have caused a serious and permanent emotional and mental condition in him, for the rest of his life.

 

At the same time, I would highly highly suggest that you also encourage your husband and yourself, to work on having your needs met. You want a satisfying career that helps you elevate your sense of self worth and purpose? Talk to you husband about your needs..... Go for it. I'm confident your husband will want to encourage you if he truly loves you, but its your responsibility to tell him what you need.

 

If YOU truly love your husband, do anything and everything that is needed to win him back. You have wronged him and caused possibly irrepairable damage to his emotional and mental state and to your relationship. Fight to repair him and repair the relationship. Fight furiously, but with tremendous compassion and love towards your husband. He needs it to fight back for you, because he is probably out of strength and is damaged.

God Bless and Good Luck.

[Lurkeraspect]

I don't mean to pine for my AP. I try not to think about him. He and I haven't spoken in months and am devoted to my family. I try to make sure that I treat my husband like a king at all times, because he deserves nothing less. We are in a good place right now. I don't want my AP back, truthfully. I know he is not good for me. I just want to get rid of the feelings I have for him. My husband doesn't even want his name mentioned in our conversations ever again, so I am not going to bring him up.

 

You really don't get it.

 

If you loved and were devoted to your husband as you so adamantly claim, the hurt and pain you willingly caused him would have been enough to wipe any remaining love/lust feelings you had for this oh, so charming other guy. But here you are, pretending to be over him, continuing your sham marriage, just going through the motions.

 

If I were married to you, you'd be a very small shadow in my rear view mirror. And FYI, your husband may very well be waiting, plotting, planning, aligning himself to drop the boom on you. He certainly knows what you're capable of, he knows you're not trustworthy, and he likely knows you're just going through the motions, all the while swooning like an 8th grader with a crush.

[66Charger]

You are obviously trying. As harsh as some of these post are, they are highlighting the very reasons why you shouldnt be pining and you are taking great efforts to minimize it. Even though you may feel the threat to be minimal, it is what you should focus on in order to move to your next level of reconciliation. Your husband gone. Through death or divorce. Or loving another woman.

 

You also must address your current needs wants and desires with your husband. You being truly happy with yourself, your marriage and your direction is equally important. Treating him like a king means nothing if he is not your one and only, your confidant, your partner in crime. He stayed and fought the AP with you. Focus on whatever you were missing in your relationship with your husband and get it. Help your husband help make you happy again. Go for walks and talks. Open up without fear. He may surprise you.

 

Your husband wants your heart. 100% of it. Right now another has it. Until this changes, it is not a reconciliation. But you know this. Thats why you are here.

 

 

Strength and Honor.

[harrybrown]

Your "love or feelings" for the OM are for a fantasy that does not exist.

 

If he would cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

 

Your will not have a successful R without full honesty.

 

Have you written a timeline of your A for your H?

 

How would you feel if he did this to you? How can your H ever trust you again?

 

You have to stop all contact with the OM. Even if you have to quit your job.

 

The OM is a fantasy. He is not real and he is crazy. Do not ever let him around your kids.

 

So sorry for your H. Tell him about your feelings for the OM with a counselor in a session. Your H deserves the truth.

 

Also how can you make up to your H about withholding your affection for him and giving it to another really rotten person?

 

What if you H did that to you? Think about how you have hurt him.

 

I used to think my wife was special. Not anymore. She killed any love for her that I ever had.

 

How will you repair the love that you killed in your H? Sometimes it comes in a few years and then your H will have to have his respect back.

 

Can you give your H respect now?

 

So sorry for your H.

[starpower]

Do you still work with this person?

[Ms. Faust]

Do you still work with this person?

 

That question has already been answered in post number 41.

[privategal]

If my BH found out how I still felt for AP, he would be awfully hurt. I am not sure if he would leave me or not. And since my husband doesn't even want his name mentioned anymore, I won't mention this to him. I am a good wife to my husband, but secretly, I struggle with my feelings for my AP.

I want to send you some compassion and a wish for strength. I feel your just being honest, the head knows you should let go and you know he is toxic but your heart and mind haven't been able to yet let go.

Please know this is natural.

Beyond your reconnection to your husband make sure you have done everything else such as get rid of music, momentos, emails, pictures.

Also if you can change your furniture around, repaint, let some fresh energy back in.

Do not force the letting go, it takes time but do not fantasize, listen to love songs, look for him online...you do need to grieve it...theres no way around an addiction, just through.

People will say you are a horrible mother and wife here. I believe thats unfair.

An affair is a weakness, a horrible choice, a mistake, then becomes a powerful addiction.

The withdrawal is completely normal and do not let this board define who you are but DO continue to make strides and forgive yourself and pursue new thoughts, meditate, try yoga, and keep one foot in front of the other and continue until the thoughts and pain fade.

You arent who this board tells you that you are...you are a person who faltered and caused harm yes, but you can still start fresh every day resolving to be a good, caring, loving person and kerp doing good deeds for others and drawing good energy into your life.

It will be ok. Stay strong.