turnera Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I honestly don't need help in the financial realm, I just need some emotional reassurance. I feel guilty and just wrong.... Like I should just give my husband everything or that means I'm a, well, expletive. I'm f'ed up and only just now accepting it. Is that what your mother and father taught you? That you are a piece of sh*t and you'd be lucky for any man to put up with you and you're so worthless that you should just give all you've saved and worked for to the man because, well, he's a man? Because that's what you're saying. Sounds pretty stupid, right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I dont understand. You feel no part of his assets are yours even though you invested in them But you are stressed about parts of your assets being his. Even though you paid cash for the house. Huh? You are right, this isnt about the financial aspect of it. Let your lawyer handle it and pick something else to worry about. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 Met with lawyers, deciding on which route to take: dissolution or divorce. Lawyer said if I'm sure he will sign the dissolution, go that route as it's easier and cheaper. If in the other hand I have reason to believe he may fail to sign or not show to hearings at last minute etc. then go divorce. Also both lawyers I met said I was being to generous, and that hopefully that leverage increases the chance he'll sign a simple dissolution. Thoughts on which way to go divorce or dissolution? Think I've decided which lawyer to go with, and plan to start paperwork process once I get documents etc in order, I have to get them at our house though. Should I try and have a friend go with me? That feels so cruel and unfair since I always went over by myself before. Also so embarrassing, what reason do I give for needing to take someone? Also didn't mention issue of abuse to lawyer, is this pertinent for them to know? I have the ball moving now and hopefully can pick up momentum in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Absolutely necessary to mention abuse to the lawyer. And you no longer have to give him an excuse for anything you do; so what if you bring a friend with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 Absolutely necessary to mention abuse to the lawyer. And you no longer have to give him an excuse for anything you do; so what if you bring a friend with you? I feel guilty about it... I'm beginning to realize it's an ingrained and conditioned habit but those neural pathways are hard to break. I keep reminding myself that those thought patterns are conditioned and can be changed but I still have feelings, anxiety and just unease that persist. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 There will be many things you will have to deal with in your journey. Some you handle and some you hire out. There are parts of divorce that are personal and parts that are business. Know the difference Seperate the two. Tell them everything, settle you affairs, greive your marriage and rebuild your world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HopeForTomorrow Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Speaking as someone who has actually BEEN through a divorce - from a long-term marriage - I would say that if you don't want to deal with anything personal, it can also be allocated to the attorneys. There is nothing that you have to speak to your husband for in a divorce, personal or otherwise. All of it can be handled by attorneys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Yep, if personal safety is an issue, definitely worth the cost for the intermediary. However, as billable costs can escalate quickly when negotiating through a highly compensated professional, one must remain mindful of that. Mine billed at 350per and, yeah, broke it down into 6 minute (1/10 hour) increments. 35.00 per increment. Sit on the phone on hold for a couple minutes, 35 bucks. Talk to me for a few minutes about figuring out a minor problem, 35 bucks. Pretty soon, well, you get my point. He didn't charge me for talking with him about fixing a few problems on his BMW Hopefully the OP will find a balance which works for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 I definitely want a balance in keeping expenses to a minimum. I have an appointment Monday for the lawyer I decided to go with after talking with a few. He's mid range expense wise and hopefully everything goes smoothly. I've only been in contact with H through text but he is being kind and think we can settle this calmly. It's hard though. I do miss him and having someone to walk with and come home to. We've been separated since October well August really as that's when he went on his bike trip. I only lived with him over this this year and a half for two months so I don't know why the feeling of loneliness and loss is suddenly so strong. Keep on, keeping on though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Hows this coming along? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 (edited) I'm doing, that's about all I can say. I continue keeping busy, moving forward and doing things. I'm hopeful my feelings will just catch up. I'm so sad. My dissolution process is coming along, there's so much bureaucracy, red tape and paperwork. It really is just a business contract when it comes to the point of dissolving the thing... Marriage, that is. I can still feel overwhelming guilt at leaving or abandoning my H. Strange that it is as such for me, I know, yet my feelings do not abate. I have seen my H once, we had dinner and talked of the paperwork etc. He is so far an understanding, if not very reluctant participant in the dissolution, which is great as you have to have cooperation to dissolve, otherwise it's divorce. Thanks for all the support. I've read on abuse and that knowledge has helped me to, albeit slowly and not yet fully, acknowledge the dynamics of abuse and power sometimes present in our relationship. And I appreciate it, though my heart is still very much hurting. Sometimes I wonder, is it partly because my body, my limbic feelings, cannot keep pace with my mind? Edited to add: Not sure why I wanted to add but when I had dinner with my H, he asked for a hug and I gave him one. He really is being good right now through all this and I do not want hate between us. As we hugged, he kissed me and I kissed back. That's what I mean I guess when I ask does it just take time for feelings to catch up with the mind? Or are feelings trying to tell the mind something important? The mind-body loop has me conflicted. Edited January 27, 2016 by cja Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 No, it really does take time. Your brain has to be re-tuned. And that means days and days and months and months of NEW actions, new thoughts, to replace old ones. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 (edited) Need help, any responses are appreciated. Lawyer finalized paperwork: we will be going in to sign Thursday. I sat reviewing the paperwork during my 15 min lunch (I'm a teacher) and cried. My thoughts drift away to the hopes we once shared for a journey through life, together. I try to hold onto the belief that I'm doing the best thing for both he and I, no matter what, I wish my H well and want him to experience the richness and depth life can offer when we are open to it. We are talking again, and I do think and hope he is changing. He still tries to convince me to be together and work on us but I can't give him that right now, maybe ever. It would be so hard for me to believe in and I'm so broken down already. So I move forward and hope that this path will result in the most positive growth for both of us. I have my doubtful moments though... Where I question the path I'm taking. And today especially, after looking at the readied paperwork, is proving choke full of doubtful moments. I would be grateful for any words of encouragement, support, advice or wisdom on this very tough day. I'm so sad. Thank you. Edited February 2, 2016 by cja Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 cja, you're doing the right thing. A relationship shouldn't be that much work and it shouldn't bring that much pain. There's something better out there for you, and probably for him as well. Take the time to become happy with yourself. There's so much out there in the world for you to experience. Now you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 You are absolutely doing the right thing. Please stop talking to your ex. He is manipulative and you're giving him opportunity to play with your mind. Get the dissolution done, wish him well, and block him from all forms of communication. How can you heal and get healthy mentally while still clinging to your abuser? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 How important is it that I stop talking to my H if I am still staying the course on D? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 If you're getting a divorce, you will never see him again. Why not start practicing that now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 Because there is a big part of me that wants to get a divorce but if things really do change I would want to try to establish a new relationship on a more equal footing. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) You dont have to become enemies just because you divorce. I dont think NC is important, but what you talk about is important. Of course you miss all the good, the walks, the talks and the comfort. That is because these were real for you. You gave with all you had. You really loved this man. Too much. Now, you must give to yourself first. Become stronger, then become friends. Your divorce is the right course of action and well warranted. This is a case of extreme disrespect and the price should be paid. If you decide to go down this path again, you will be glad you set the hard boundary and respected yourself. Your question is not of us, it is really for you. Are YOU STRONG ENOUGH to become JUST FREINDS while divorcing? Can you handle this CJ? Maybe you should try alone time for just a short while. Personally, there may be some things I may be willing to forgive, but there are some that just kill. Your marriage was harsh. Take your time. Become you. Let him become him. Let time answer your questions. You dont need all these answers today Edited February 3, 2016 by 66Charger 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 I am sorry, but did I just read that HE PEED ON YOU? OMFG. Why are you STILL with him?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Because there is a big part of me that wants to get a divorce but if things really do change I would want to try to establish a new relationship on a more equal footing. And...once you move on, get divorced, and he sees you moving on in integrity and strength...he will have no choice but to respect you. And once he respects you, he is free to then try to earn your trust back by he, himself, becoming someone worthy of respect. But none of that will EVER happen as long as you maintain a relationship with him at THIS level. You'll forever be 'the easy one.' Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 I am sorry, but did I just read that HE PEED ON YOU? OMFG. Why are you STILL with him?! Part of me wishes I'd omitted that from my posts. I didn't even tell that part to my therapist. This happened long ago and after I was in such shock. I realize now I bought in to my H rationalizations, minimization and justifications for why this wasn't that bad. I was broken and accepted the punishment. But then also he was broken too. If I could delete that part from my thread, I probably would. I'm very embarrassed by it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 And...once you move on, get divorced, and he sees you moving on in integrity and strength...he will have no choice but to respect you. And once he respects you, he is free to then try to earn your trust back by he, himself, becoming someone worthy of respect. But none of that will EVER happen as long as you maintain a relationship with him at THIS level. You'll forever be 'the easy one.' I am trying to move on with integrity and strength, and I am still planning to move west this summer. I stumble some but I'm much further than I was a year ago. Although your posts can sometimes be hard to read, my definsive weak mind flickers a bit, but your insight so valuable. You are right: many of my actions in staying and accepting humiliation by my spouse in my home for years did indeed make me "the easy one". Link to post Share on other sites
Author cja Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 (edited) You dont have to become enemies just because you divorce. I dont think NC is important, but what you talk about is important. Of course you miss all the good, the walks, the talks and the comfort. That is because these were real for you. You gave with all you had. You really loved this man. Too much. Now, you must give to yourself first. Become stronger, then become friends. Your divorce is the right course of action and well warranted. This is a case of extreme disrespect and the price should be paid. If you decide to go down this path again, you will be glad you set the hard boundary and respected yourself. Your question is not of us, it is really for you. Are YOU STRONG ENOUGH to become JUST FREINDS while divorcing? Can you handle this CJ? Maybe you should try alone time for just a short while. Personally, there may be some things I may be willing to forgive, but there are some that just kill. Your marriage was harsh. Take your time. Become you. Let him become him. Let time answer your questions. You dont need all these answers today Let time answer your questions. There is no greater advice for me. My H is wanting me to call again tonight though I talked to him last night, and the night before. It is as though now that I opened the door to communicate, he almost expects it and feels bad when he doesn't get it, then I in turn feel bad... And on and on the cycle goes. But there is nothing wrong with letting time answer my questions and in not being responsive. I do not think I am strong enough yet, and so I do not see him in person. And I do think I need some alone time to become me. And I want him to as well, and for the unhealthy cycle of codependency to end. Your perspective has been so helpful to me. Edited February 4, 2016 by cja Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Let time answer your questions. There is no greater advice for me. My H is wanting me to call again tonight though I talked to him last night, and the night before. It is as though now that I opened the door to communicate, he almost expects it and feels bad when he doesn't get it, then I in turn feel bad... And on and on the cycle goes. But there is nothing wrong with letting time answer my questions and in not being responsive. I do not think I am strong enough yet, and so I do not see him in person. And I do think I need some alone time to become me. And I want him to as well, and for the unhealthy cycle of codependency to end. Your perspective has been so helpful to me. Interesting. I read an article on chumplady the other day. Now chumplady isn't my "gospel" but I did like that little blog post. It was called something like "the Mind[screw] only has three channels" It pretty much said those who are messing with seem to only have three main channels: charm, self-pity and rage. Go ahead and read it, it may resonate with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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