Having a hard time going through with divorce and filing papers

[HopeForTomorrow]

No cja... HE is the pathetic one! What a POS.

 

turnera is right - he has you brainwashed. How is this your fault? He wants to twist this around on you and not take ANY responsibility for his own actions. He called you a b*tch and other horrible names. Who does that to someone they love? How horrible did you feel hearing those things?

 

I know it is not easy to get out of the vicious cycle. I have spent the past few months feeling like everything was my fault, like everything I said was wrong, like yesterday's garbage. Unloved. I am not perfect, as you are not either, but I made the best decisions I could at the time as I am sure you did too. And do you know what was even worse than that? I COULD NOT FIX IT. I tried everything - I apologized over and over for things I did wrong, I told him how much he meant to me. On and on. But nothing I did would dissipate his anger. He would not meet me halfway. He just wanted to yell and blame-shift everything on me, when we both were responsible. So I had to make a decision not to move forward - probably the hardest decision I've ever made in my life because of how damn much I wanted it to work.

 

This man and this relationship is not fixable. He is never going to be the person you need him to be. He is never going to make you feel loved. He is only going to blame-shift everything on you and make you feel guilty and keep you in pain. Do you not see that???

 

Think about what the poster above me said. Where do you want to be in 2 years? In five? You are 34 years old - you are young. You said you have taken the possibility of kids off the table, but why? You will find another relationship with someone who respects you. You can still have kids. I had my fourth one in my mid-40's and I was a couple of years older than you when I had my third one. Lots of time. Lots of hope.

 

I'll repeat what turnera said. STOP TALKING TO THIS MAN!!! He only brings you down and makes you feel miserable about yourself. You can't fix him, so focus on YOU. You are not broken but you have to move forward and stop letting this man define you.

[cja]

Thanks all. I wish I could've watched the sun rise with a cup of coffee charger. I get to work well before the sun comes up so I stuck with watching the moon. I am having such a hard time and last night set me back miles. I was feeling a bit better about everything and although very, very sad I had a silver lining of hope. Now I just feel lost and worthless again.

 

My husband's criticism of how I'm coping with this feels so cold to me. I know he thinks he's trying to help by saying that I am not dealing with things well and need to realize he is not doing anything to me now, so why am I still in any pain but its not helpful coming from the one that abused me for years. And then to say that we haven't even really lived together this last year, so I should be over it by now carries no recognition for the fact that many times over the last year he has STILL been verbally and mentally abusive towards me, called me lots of mean names, etc and all of this was done while he was supposedly trying to reconcile with me and SHOW me that he was remorseful.

 

I guess I was hoping last night he would express some true remorse now that we've finally got to the point of actually filing, but he just seemed to want to call and get onto me about my tone of voice or how I wasn't dealing well and it was really all my fault. Just throwing blame on me and then turning around and saying I'm the one throwing it on him. I didn't call him or even say anything mean about his treatment of me. He just hears pain in my voice, and I think this causes him pain and so he just wants me to be fine for him, not really for me.

 

It's so hard for me to realize that he's never loved or even cared for me or my well being. I know that he was abusive towards me should have indicated far sooner than I realized that he never cared for me. I wasted ten years of my life with a man that abused me. and that realization is a hard pill to swallow.

 

You all help me more than you realize. I probably have received more genuine care and concern for my wellbeing from a group of strangers than I have from my husband.

[66Charger]

Please please please, try a hard 30 days of No Contact. None. Zero. Zilch. He signed the papers. Let the lawyers talk for a bit. Send him a email asking for silence. Hopefully you won't have to block him. I know its hard, but you have to do it.

 

You just need a moment to breathe.

[cja]

Please please please, try a hard 30 days of No Contact. None. Zero. Zilch. He signed the papers. Let the lawyers talk for a bit. Send him a email asking for silence. Hopefully you won't have to block him. I know its hard, but you have to do it.

 

You just need a moment to breathe.

 

He told me last night he wouldn't contact me again and will just see me at the court date. He wants to move on, i.e. Get another woman and he says he wants to have a family. I don't think he'll contact me as he just wants to put this all behind him and feel good about himself and be happy. I really think he only wanted to call to ease his mind and reassure himself (and remind me) that if I still felt any pain, it was all on me.

[turnera]

This would be a good time to re-read Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men.

 

To remind yourself that he does NOT think like a normal person, he CAN not think like a normal person, and therefore anything that comes out of his mouth is SUSPECT and, most likely, wrong and harmful - in other words, to be ignored.

[turnera]

He told me last night he wouldn't contact me again and will just see me at the court date. He wants to move on, i.e. Get another woman and he says he wants to have a family. I don't think he'll contact me as he just wants to put this all behind him and feel good about himself and be happy. I really think he only wanted to call to ease his mind and reassure himself (and remind me) that if I still felt any pain, it was all on me.

Do you have any friends helping you through this? Family?

 

If so, please ask one of them to let you route his phone number to them. It's what we call an Intermediary - someone who keeps you out of the drama, who will read their stuff (without the attached emotion) and decide if the information is something you need to know. If so, they'll tell you - but without the vitriole and intimidation. In other words, it helps you keep sane and helps you withdraw from him.

[66Charger]

10 characters

Edited February 11, 2016 by 66Charger

[Acacia98]

Hey, cja. I've been following your threads for a while. I'm glad you finally ended things. It may sound strange for a stranger to say this, but I'm so proud of you.

 

I wanted to jump in and say something after reading some of your posts about your current conversations with your STBXH, for instance the one quoted in part below:

 

My husband's criticism of how I'm coping with this feels so cold to me. I know he thinks he's trying to help by saying that I am not dealing with things well and need to realize he is not doing anything to me now, so why am I still in any pain but its not helpful coming from the one that abused me for years.

 

Believe you me, your husband isn't trying to help, and he doesn't think he's trying to help. It's actually the opposite. He's trying to keep you down. And it's not inadvertent. It's deliberate. I think you have a similar problem to me; you assume people have good intentions because you have good intentions. But remember this: he is not you. His motivation is control. And you don't even have to believe he's evil to understand that. You just need to understand that he can't relate to you normally. He has to control you. And whenever the opportunity arises, he will try to control you. That's how he is wired. You cannot change him. And it is not your job to hang around and help him change. Only he can change himself (with the help of a qualified professional), and he has to do it for himself, without using you as an emotional crutch. If he truly wants to change, the only way he's going to do it is by removing himself from interactions with you. So your interactions are actually not helping either of you.

 

Now that you've taken yourself beyond his immediate reach, he's still trying to do what he can to make you feel ****ty about yourself. It's the old pattern he's comfortable with (kind of like a drug that he's dependent on). Whenever he's nice to you, he does it to rope you in and get you vulnerable. Then he pounces and says something vicious. It hurts you. Mission accomplished. Instead of focusing your emotional energy on yourself and your new life, you end up doubting yourself, thinking about him. So he still gets to be the center of your attention and to sabotage your growth. The whole process of getting you to talk to him on the phone regularly is about him continuing to victimize you and make sure his long years of brainwashing remain effective.

 

For sure, everything he did to you was brainwashing. The techniques he used sound similar to the torture that some prisoners are subjected to or to what people in cults are subjected to. So it's perfectly understandable that you keep experiencing the cognitive dissonance.

 

Breaking the patterns of behavior is difficult, but it's doable. What you need to do is remove yourself from his reach. That will give you some breathing space, allow you to find yourself and interact with emotionally healthy people. You really should go no contact with him. Block his phone number(s) etc. and have him communicate through the lawyer.

 

I also worry about your safety. People like him who are used to having another human to degrade (in order to feel better about themselves) don't like it when you no longer need them and stop arranging your life around their needs and desires. That is when they become most dangerous. So you really need to stay away from him. Any suggestions about walks, meeting for dinner, etc... A bad, bad idea. Since it's somewhat difficult for you to say no to him, it is especially important to avoid situations where you're likely to have conversations with him (hence, the suggestion to block his number). Please look up domestic abuse resources where you are. They can provide you with good advice for dealing with the complexities of your situation.

 

I know it feels very difficult right now, but zero contact with the man will really help you get to a place where you feel strong enough to be more assertive. You need to do it for your own emotional health. And he needs to stop toying with you and focus on his own recovery for his own emotional health. As long as you are in each other's lives, the temptation to fall into the old patterns will always be there, and neither of you will truly recover.

 

Another thing: Since you've spent so many years depriving yourself, you seem to have convinced yourself that doing anything you enjoy is a stupid indulgence. Well, it isn't. You need to do things that you enjoy, try new things, meet new people, etc. in order to recover and to find yourself (forgive the cliche). So go ahead and try yoga at a club or wherever, and go out to music concerts or comedy clubs, and try cooking classes or whatever you want to do. Those are all wonderful ways to keep yourself busy and learn to appreciate life again.

[Acacia98]

He told me last night he wouldn't contact me again and will just see me at the court date. He wants to move on, i.e. Get another woman and he says he wants to have a family. I don't think he'll contact me as he just wants to put this all behind him and feel good about himself and be happy. I really think he only wanted to call to ease his mind and reassure himself (and remind me) that if I still felt any pain, it was all on me.

 

I actually think he said that (he'll stop contacting you, find another woman and start a family) to get a rise out of you. So he may not actually follow through on it. However, I hope I am wrong on this particular score and he stops contacting you.

 

I just remembered you mentioned something about wanting to have kids for a while and being open to adoption. To reinforce what other posters are saying, I suggest that, if that remains an important goal for you, you let it be one of your motivators for recovery. Focus on the idea of where you want to be in the future. If you would like to adopt a child, think about the kind of environment you would like to raise that child in and the kind of mother you would like to be to that child. I imagine you wouldn't want to raise a child in a toxic and abusive environment. That might help you focus on your goal of building yourself up even if you hit some rough spots along the way.

[HopeForTomorrow]

Some great posts from Acacia98. I hope you find a lot you can use in those posts cja.

 

I have to apologize to you for using your thread to vent a little. You reminded me of myself - although a ten-year marriage is VERY much harder. I also knew my ex-BF knows I post here, so I should not have said anything that could be construed as negative. I certainly made plenty of my own mistakes and never meant to claim that I was blameless.

 

You, however, are not to blame for this. It's on him. I hope that you take the advice of Acacia98 and others here. I hope that something happens to suddenly throw you over the edge and REALLY be done. For me, it was him saying (on a public internet site) that at 50 years old I am "do-able" (eg, f*ckable) but not likable. This person who claimed to love me. Not much can be said in defense of that. But hey, sexy at 50; I'll take it. Likable? I can live with it. Pots and kettles.

 

I wish you farewell, peace, and happiness.

 

Hope

Edited February 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cja]

Hopefortomorrow,

Don't apologize! Your posts have been helpful and please feel free to use my thread as a place to vent, express, and release. It is SO VERY Helpful. And appreciated. Ever single post has been, from all posters from varied walks of life, paths, perspectives and genders. Really, truly. I still have yet to accept fully that I lived in an abusive relationship, BUT look I can use the F'ing word: abusive. I never could before. I always believed on at least some level that he was right I was a F'ing snotty b!tch, a burden, disgusting because I poop like all human beings do, F'ing stupid, F'ing malicious, and nothing but a pathetic blaming unaccountable person: and these are just the things he's emphasized in the last year before that they were even worse.

 

I still have this broken record in my head and sometimes believe I'm so F'ing worthless that I should just end it all (don't worry I would never but the thoughts are there). I also believe that maybe just maybe part of this is as turnera said and is sort of brainwashing. I've at least started to see how much weight I give to his opinions. Literally since our conversation Tuesday night I've repeatedly told myself that I should not feel grief, pain because he's not here in the moment do feeling pain is unfair to him and I should stop. I have absolutely no right to grieve, no grounds and if i struggle it is because I am a defective, blaming person and need to realize all my many defects.

Edited February 12, 2016 by cja

[cja]

No contact for him lasted two days. Just got a text, a nice one with a picture of our dog. I miss our dog a lot and it pulls on me. I'm hanging out with some girlfriends tomorrow and have a busy day, tonight I have nothing. And I'm sad and lonely. I know you say I should block the number but for some reason I can't seem to do it. I actually thought he wasn't going to contact me as that's how our last conversation ended. Just updating and writing/ reading here instead of contacting.

[turnera]

If you can afford it, see if you can go to therapy more often for the time being.

[cja]

If you can afford it, see if you can go to therapy more often for the time being.

 

Wow you posted at the exact moment I was... I can afford it and also have good insurance. But I'm both afraid of opening up to a new counselor and also I don't have much free time during the week.

[turnera]

Wow you posted at the exact moment I was... I can afford it and also have good insurance. But I'm both afraid of opening up to a new counselor and also I don't have much free time during the week.

Excuses. Therapy right now is the one thing most likely to help you get through this and not mess up your life by going back to him. Find a way.

 

If you won't block his number, AT LEAST don't answer him when he texts.

[cja]

You're right. I need to face my fear and make the time to improve myself and grow. I just had a bad experience with my last therapist, the one who at one time told me to just bare the weight of my H's verbal abuse because and here I quote, "you are stronger than he is and do you can take it, just bare it and eventually he will move past his pain and stop with the mean rants against you." I'll try to find one on Monday as I will be off work. Thank you

[turnera]

Therapists are just people, too. Some are good at what they do, some aren't. They're working for you, so if you don't think they're helping, find a new one.

[cja]

I have a final court date for dissolution March 24th. As long as all goes well on that day, in less than 30 days my marriage will be terminated. Just an update.

[maacus]

Your [hopeful] soon to be ex appears to be one of the biggest *******s on the planet. He's a real loser and you should lose him as soon as possible. I agree with others here; he is an unabashed abuser.

[cja]

I've realized something in the weeks of no contact, and it's been hard to look at. My soon to be ex h abused me on purpose. I get that I should've realized this sooner, but somehow I didn't understand that his treatment of me was deliberate and manipulative. I always partially bought into his interpretation of our interactions and the extreme minimization of the cruel words, and his outright denial of the manipulative tactics (coldness, ignoring me, passive aggressiveness, etc).

 

I oscillate from anger toward him for gas-lighting and cruel words to anger at myself for being so stupid to not see it for what it was: deliberately tearing me down. How did I think he loved me? He cared so little about me that even after having an affair he still called me a snotty bitc$, a burden, fing stupid etc, even AFTER I repeatedly told him that it hurt me. I mean how in the world did I think he gave a dam$ for my wellbeing when he consciously chose to degrade me with the statements I already told him cut deep? It was all deliberate crazy making and I bought into the brainwashing.

 

I'm literally paralyzed sometimes with the realization that my h deliberately and repeatedly chose to hurt me for years, and that he did so to build himself up and maintain a privileged position of power in the relationship, and I f'ing let him!

 

I really didn't see it as purposeful. I was so distracted by all the excuses, justifications, reasons and blame heaped on me to actually f'ing see the basic and what should have been obvious truth that my spouse cared no more about me than what he could use me for. It's a hard thing to step back and face and I get so angry at myself for not seeing it sooner .

 

It all really just masks my sadness though. I don't want to believe that my h, a man I thought was my partner and who I shared so much of my life, my body and my heart with, deliberately chose to abuse me because the benefits to him outweighed the cost to me. Also I realize he probably never even really considered the psychological cost and damage to me. I'm re-reading Lundy Bundcroft's why does he do that book, and it's heartbreaking as I come to accept this time in reading it, more of what the book says about abuse and that my reality and relationship fit an abusive dynamic.

 

There's this part in the book where Bundcroft talks about a common theme amount all his abusive clients, and that is when you finally peel back the layers of blame, justification, halfhearted apologies and minimizations that an abuser will initially offer in sessions, what he found was that abusers have objectified and dehumanized their partners to such an extent in their own minds that ultimately 'they feel no more pain or guilt over abusing their partner than they feel about angrily kicking a rock down an alley.' He says they may feel shame at the idea that other people may judge them but ultimately do not consider the damage to their partners. This thinking and perception is what allows the abuser to both continue to abuse and not consider themselves a true abuser.

 

I don't want to hold on to any anger, sadness ect as it will only turn to bitterness and resentment yet I know that means I need to face the feelings that are coming up and I find it so hard. I am doing yoga, meditation and have found a new therapist that I will see. Im struggling though and feel so alone and I admit so saddened by all this, and these painful realizations hurt so much. I wonder if anyone else had gone through this or could understand.

 

Thank you for listening, well, reading.

Edited March 6, 2016 by cja

[66Charger]

What you must realize is that your part in all this is not something that was wrong. You stayed because you wished for the storybook, the love, the forever. His reasons for the abuse were negative, manipulative, and extremely insecure. . Your reasons for trying to work it out were based on your love for this man. You dont need to change you. You just need to bottle it up and when you are ready give it to someone who is worthy.

 

You cannot let this man effect your future and your dreams of tommorrow. Know your value and so not let this jade you. This is his loss, not yours. The only thing that you have lost here, is time.

 

You are going thru the anger stage. Angry at him and angry at yourself for putting up with this. Hopefully this stage will pass quickly, and you will put this where it belongs. Do not dwell to long on this. There are things that were learned, but nothing to remember. It simply needs to be erased.

 

Soon, it will be a new day and your world will change. It always does.

 

[]

 

I dont believe the saying, life is short. I do believe that life and time are precious and should not be wasted.

 

Once something is dead. Bury it. Say a prayer, but there is no need to visit grave sights.

 

Hoping you have a much better tomorrow.

Edited March 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[HopeForTomorrow]

Hi cja, thank you for the update. I have been wondering how you are.

 

I'm re-reading Lundy Bundcoft's why does he do that? book, and it's heartbreaking as I come to accept this time in reading it, more of what the book says about abuse and that my reality and relationship fit an abusive dynamic.

 

It's funny; as I was reading your post I knew I was going to recommend that book to you (Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"). Then I read halfway through your post that you were re-reading it. I first read it after my divorce several years ago. I'm glad you have already read it. It's enlightening, isn't it? And scary.

 

It is really difficult to unravel everything that happened in your relationship and not to blame yourself because of all that you have gone through with him. Please know that this is a very common and almost universal theme in abusive relationships. You can't blame yourself for not "seeing" it, you can't fix him, and as hard as it is, you have to accept that this is just who he is. As Bancroft says, he DID know what he was doing to you. That was the one immediate question I had when I dove into that book - are these men aware of what they are doing or do they truly think they are not being abusive? As you have read, the answer is that they are aware of what they are doing. It is a flaw in the way they THINK (do you remember that part of the book?) not in the way they feel.

 

Remember this? "YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.

One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone."

 

... and this:

 

“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns."

 

There's this part in the book where Bundcroft talks about a common theme amount all his abusive clients, and that is when you finally peel back the layers of blame, justification, halfhearted apologies and minimizations that an abuser will initially offer in sessions, what he found was that abusers have objectified and dehumanized their partners to such an extent in their own minds that ultimately 'they feel no more pain or guilt over abusing their partner than they feel about angrily kicking a rock down an alley.' He says they may feel shame at the idea that other people may judge them but ultimately do not consider the damage to their partners. This thinking and perception is what allows the abuser to both continue to abuse and not consider themselves a true abuser.

 

Yes. And again, it is a defect in his THINKING. Nothing you can change. Abusive men don't believe it; they don't see themselves as abusive. That is one of the most frustrating things about it. You can't change it and most of the time (during it) you wonder if you are going insane or if there is something wrong with you. Working through this takes time, so be gentle on yourself.

 

I don't want to hold on to any anger, sadness ect as it will only turn to bitterness and resentment yet I know that means I need to face the feelings that are coming up and I find it so hard.

 

In facing those feelings you go through the stages of grief. You come to terms with what was. Anger is one of those stages, and it's natural to feel anger. You can't go around the pain; you have to go through it and exit out the other end.

 

Just take it one step at a time. You don't need to think about the future right now, or even tomorrow. Think about chunks of time in the way that makes sense to you. Now, you are dealing with and resolving the end of your relationship, and that will not happen overnight.

 

Also, just know that others have been where you are, and there is an end in sight. Good luck cja and hang in there.

[turnera]

cja, you did nothing wrong. You were a good person with a big heart and a willingness to put others first, and BECAUSE of that goodness in you, you merely became a perfect target for someone as twisted as him. It's just what they do.

[66Charger]

cja, you did nothing wrong. You were a good person with a big heart and a willingness to put others first, and BECAUSE of that goodness in you, you merely became a perfect target for someone as twisted as him. It's just what they do.

 

Never lose sight of who you really are. Accept all that has happened, but do not let it change you. Stay strong, This too, shall pass.

 

Take care of yourself

.

[Truthisstrength]

cja,

I have read your thread and commend you for all your introspective work in this troubling situation. The book by Bancroft is an excellent resource. I am glad you are reading and heeding its words.

Posters have referred how it has helped them see the abusive relationship for what it is. Listen to that great advice. These abusers will never recognize themselves as the perpetrators, they will blame shift onto you their shortcomings. It is NEVER their fault. They will twist your words, create self doubt, make you think it is all your fault when the reality is quite the opposite. They use passive/aggressive to further confound and confuse you. False accusations, and isolation is another tool of control.

With your husband and other abusers, it is always your fault. Always. They cannot be fixed, because they believe they are not the problem. There is no reasoning. They will take what you give and trash it.

The best thing you and others can do once they finally see the truth is to take back control. The best is to completely ignore the abuser. Take away their control of you. It is not easy, but it is the only way. They are so into control that they will bait you, work you, to keep you upset, they have no honor when it comes to their abuse. And if you breakdown and engage, they will hurt you. In your case totally ignoring is not viable, but for others it is, once they decide enough is enough and take their life back from these arrogant abusive azzholes.

 

Truth is your greatest ally, your greatest strength.

Stay strong. Take back your life. End the abuse.

I wish you well.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Truthisstrength
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