If your adult children didn't want kids...

[BettyDraper]

This is your personal choice, everybody should respect that and leave you alone. Someday, you may or may not regret your choice but that is for you to live with, not them.

 

 

On the other end of the scale I also get insulted at times for having many kids. People assume and presume to know my struggles keeping my kids alive. People will always have something to say, the good, the bad and the downright nasty.

 

I think people who insult other's reproductive choices are ignorant and ridiculous. I don't care if someone wants to have 10 kids or 0 kids...it's none of my business.

[scrapbooker]

Neither of my children want kids. One of them said he/she MIGHT be open to adopting someday, but no childbirth lol.

 

I understand what brought them to that place, and I am thankful that it isn't because I scarred them (well, not any more than all parents scar their children with such horrors as groundings or hugging them in front of their friends).

 

I told the one who likes animals that it is their responsibility to have cute dogs and cats on hand for me to spoil. Or at least a hamster.

[amaysngrace]

I hope my kids will have kids one day but if they don't that's fine too. As long as they live a life that's true to them I will be happy for them no matter what.

[GorillaTheater]

Whether any of my kids have kids themselves is entirely their business, but I'd be lying my ass off if I said I wasn't absolutely thrilled that my oldest and her husband gave me a grandson.

[GorillaTheater]

On the other end of the scale I also get insulted at times for having many kids.

 

 

I get that sometimes. I'll share some of my favorite retorts with you, if you're brave enough to use them.

[BettyDraper]

Whether any of my kids have kids themselves is entirely their business, but I'd be lying my ass off if I said I wasn't absolutely thrilled that my oldest and her husband gave me a grandson.

 

There's nothing wrong with being happy about being a grandparent though.

That's different from spreading rumors and making nasty comments about your adult children's decisions which are not destructive.

 

My mother treats my decision not to have kids as though it is akin to becoming a crack dealer.

[VintageWine]

My mother is very unhappy with my decision not to have kids.

 

My cousin is very close to my mom and she has told my cousin that she feels responsible for my choice. My mother and I will never be close because she was quite vicious to me for a long time. I forgive her but I can't and won't forget her actions. My cousin says that my mother mourns the loss of the opportunity to share the experience of pregnancy and birth with me as a woman. She was also especially looking forward to her daughter's grandchildren; I have one brother who has a son.

 

I didn't make this choice to hurt my mom. I made it for other reasons but I will admit that my mother's treatment of me certainly impacted my decision. I'll be just happy looking after bur babies. Dogs and cats are amazing and I see them as children! Can't wait to get me a pet someday! <3

 

My question is would you be upset if your adult children didn't want kids? Why or why not?

 

I'm only 20 years old and I'm hoping my mindset on this doesn't change, while I would like to have children of my own, I don't expect them to follow suit and have kids. Just because a male and a female have *in most cases because of health issues* working reproductive parts doesn't mean they should have children. Not everyone is meant to live that life of having kids, not everyone loves children like that, not everyone feels as if they can accomplish things with children ( while to me personally, I don't agree with that but everyone is different ).

 

Bottom line is if my future kids don't want kids, it's all fine. It's their life, they need to make themselves happy and fulfill their dreams that they have for themselves. By time I have kids, I'm already going in life, not coming, my main dream is to make sure my future kids make the best, smart decision for them, not to keep mom and dad happy. Make themselves happy and proud first with his/her decision.

 

She likes to tell people that my husband is forcing me not to have kids. I don't appreciate that at all.

Not every child takes care of elderly parents. You only have to look in a nursing home to see that there are many elderly people who have kids but no advocates.

 

I say this from experience after doing volunteer in a nursing home. Not everyone gets visitors like that and honestly it's pretty sad. I've seen the old folks there and some of them made good friends in the nursing home but when they are sometimes carried back to their room and it's just them alone....it sucks.

Edited February 6, 2016 by VintageWine

[MrDuck]

My boys 7, so no grandkids for a good while!!

 

 

I think it would be fun to be a granddad some way down the line. But whether he becomes a dad or not is totally on him. I love him (not some hypothetical grandchild who doesn't exist) I want him to be happy, I want him to take the life choice that's right for him.

 

 

Having him as my son 180'd my life for the better. So of course I'm bias into thinking its a great experience and it would be neat if he agreed, it would also be neat if he shared my love of travel, and rugby.

If he decides kids aren't right then I hope he has the strength of character to stand by that decision, and I'll be proud that he hasn't just caved to social pressures.

 

 

I don't think either way will it have barings on how I raised him. If a bad parent could scare they're kids of having their own children I would of never had him in the first place!

[dreamingoftigers]

There's nothing wrong with being happy about being a grandparent though.

That's different from spreading rumors and making nasty comments about your adult children's decisions which are not destructive.

 

My mother treats my decision not to have kids as though it is akin to becoming a crack dealer.

 

So the problem really isn't about how your Mom feels about it, its more that she's a total twit about it.

 

Big difference.

 

If be sad to not have at least a grandchild.

But I also know that expecting one from my daughter is more than a little pressure.

 

You see, I was the only one likely to have children in my family. My brother and sister are both autistic. Although my sister would REALLY like a baby, she isn't high enough functioning. One of the most hilarious things I recall her saying (at 21) is, "if I have a baby and it cries at night, I will tell it to STOP, NOW because its time to sleep and its not allowed to wake me up!" She meant it.

 

So for YEARS my mother was on my case to have a kid.

In fact, so much on my case that she gave the best birth-control lecture to me at 14. She told me very bluntly that it was "okay if I got pregnant as a teen because I could have the baby and she would raise it." NO WAY was I going to give the crazies a baby! It put me off of sex all through high school LMAO!

 

I don't think my Mom actually gave up on trying to have another kid until she was definitely past menopause.

 

So, knowing that I don't want to be Nutzo Mom to my kid, I won't pressure my daughter about kids. I just figure that if I want grandkids, I'll have to guarantee that I pop out enough kids that odds are, I will get them.

 

Unfortunately making babies for me is very difficult. I've been sick almost everyday for seven months. My husband figured out I was pregnant on WEEK 2 because of how sick and moody I was already.

 

So two kids will have to suffice I guess. Hopefully that's enough for one of them to want kids.

 

My daughter really wants to be a Mommy though. It's pretty cute. She dresses nicely and says, "Mommy, do I look like a Mommy?" She's so proud if she does. I think she equates it to being grown up. She's pretty cute.

 

I don't have a "natural Mom instinct" myself so it took me quite awhile to even want a kid. Then I was told I couldn't have them. So I thought "okay, I'll get dogs instead."

 

Shortly after I was told I was pregnant. I just went with it. I don't regret it. I love it most days. I love it a bunch on some days. Other days I'm like "Why, oh why? I really suck at this and she's totally going to hate my guts anyway."

 

But yeah, I'm sure not going to make up weird crap if my kids don't have kids. They aren't here on this planet to be my personal grandchild factories. I brought them here without asking, they don't "owe me." It would just be super-nice is all. It's their life, and frankly the pressure I got from my Mom to produce only put me off of the idea until halfway through the reproductive years.

 

At least I make cute little accidents

[BettyDraper]

So the problem really isn't about how your Mom feels about it, its more that she's a total twit about it.

 

Big difference.

 

If be sad to not have at least a grandchild.

But I also know that expecting one from my daughter is more than a little pressure.

 

You see, I was the only one likely to have children in my family. My brother and sister are both autistic. Although my sister would REALLY like a baby, she isn't high enough functioning. One of the most hilarious things I recall her saying (at 21) is, "if I have a baby and it cries at night, I will tell it to STOP, NOW because its time to sleep and its not allowed to wake me up!" She meant it.

 

So for YEARS my mother was on my case to have a kid.

In fact, so much on my case that she gave the best birth-control lecture to me at 14. She told me very bluntly that it was "okay if I got pregnant as a teen because I could have the baby and she would raise it." NO WAY was I going to give the crazies a baby! It put me off of sex all through high school LMAO!

 

I don't think my Mom actually gave up on trying to have another kid until she was definitely past menopause.

 

So, knowing that I don't want to be Nutzo Mom to my kid, I won't pressure my daughter about kids. I just figure that if I want grandkids, I'll have to guarantee that I pop out enough kids that odds are, I will get them.

 

Unfortunately making babies for me is very difficult. I've been sick almost everyday for seven months. My husband figured out I was pregnant on WEEK 2 because of how sick and moody I was already.

 

So two kids will have to suffice I guess. Hopefully that's enough for one of them to want kids.

 

My daughter really wants to be a Mommy though. It's pretty cute. She dresses nicely and says, "Mommy, do I look like a Mommy?" She's so proud if she does. I think she equates it to being grown up. She's pretty cute.

 

I don't have a "natural Mom instinct" myself so it took me quite awhile to even want a kid. Then I was told I couldn't have them. So I thought "okay, I'll get dogs instead."

 

Shortly after I was told I was pregnant. I just went with it. I don't regret it. I love it most days. I love it a bunch on some days. Other days I'm like "Why, oh why? I really suck at this and she's totally going to hate my guts anyway."

 

But yeah, I'm sure not going to make up weird crap if my kids don't have kids. They aren't here on this planet to be my personal grandchild factories. I brought them here without asking, they don't "owe me." It would just be super-nice is all. It's their life, and frankly the pressure I got from my Mom to produce only put me off of the idea until halfway through the reproductive years.

 

At least I make cute little accidents

 

Wow...I'm sorry your mother pressured you so much for her own gain.

I would have a very difficult pregnancy and postpartum period for health reasons and that's another reason I've opted out of motherhood. You clearly wanted children very much or else you would not go through a bad pregnancy for them.

 

I wanted to be a mommy when I was little too. I think most little girls feel that way because that is how they are socialized.

 

Your kids are blessed to have such a diplomatic mom who won't use guilt and narcissism due to selfishness.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow...I'm sorry your mother pressured you so much for her own gain.

I would have a very difficult pregnancy and postpartum period for health reasons and that's another reason I've opted out of motherhood. You clearly wanted children very much or else you would not go through a bad pregnancy for them.

 

I wanted to be a mommy when I was little too. I think most little girls feel that way because that is how they are socialized.

 

Your kids are blessed to have such a diplomatic mom who won't use guilt and narcissism due to selfishness.

 

Long response alert:

 

First off, thanks for the compliment.

 

Its funny. I don't really resent my Mom big time for that.

She was just really into kids. I also recognize, abd recognized young that she's lived a very sheltered life in regards to ever having to provide for herself or her children. So she wasnt going to "get it." They also have been much better grandparents than they ever were parents, which is intetesting. My father is actually the narcissist. The main reason I wouldn't have left a teenage pregnancy behind with him.

 

Truth is, I wasn't hot on the baby bandwagon, even post marriage. I was told I couldn't have them and that made me sad. I thought eventually I would like to, and to me it's part and parcel of the whole human experience that I didn't want to miss out on.

 

I thought I would be a better parent than I am too. I hear myself and think, "oh crap, I really just said that. I really got upset over socks. This is what I do now."

 

I would say that parenting for me is kind of unnatural. My mother was a great Mom.in some ways, but in the ways she just capitulated and ganged up with my Dad, it was completely abusively ridiculous.

 

Yes there was baby pressure. But there was a lot of other weird pressures from them too. My father, for instance tried to socially isolate me in almost every way. But he wouldn't do it in front of my Mother. In certain ways he tries to pretend to be far more functional than he is in front of her, and then abuse me secretly. So, not a great patenting template overall.

 

The only one who dearly pays for that is my husband, because I get quite paranoid about that. But I've never seen or heard any evidence of any aberation. He reminds me more of my mother (not pushing for grandkids), very protective of her feeling but not so good at providing structure or discipline.

 

The other pressures that my father applied was directly, overtly to my relationships. In fact, once outside the territory of his direct control he has completely cast me aside. Refuses to even acknowledge my marriage. Treated previous boyfriends as threats that he would hunt down and be violent to etc. He looks scary too.

 

To this day, if my Mom says 'lets get the cute little grandkid in soccer," he will. Right away. But he will sign her up under my maiden name! His last name. He refuses to acknowledge my husband privately or publicly. In times where intros are made, he would introduce my daughter and I but not my husband etc. It's pretty weird. But a vast improvement over trying to take a crowbar through my windshield because my husband was driving the car.

 

My husband has balls of steel too quite frankly. So that's a plus.

 

But as for the pregnancies, abortion is not a thing for me, at all. So once I was pregnant and was sick, well, that's just too bad for me.

 

But I really took of an inventory of what I wanted etc when I found out I was pregnant at first. I thought "well is there any reason I don't want one." The only thing I came up with is that they can really act up on airplanes and if I want to travel that can be a real PITA.

 

Then I realized, I wasn't going to be affording lots of international travel any time soon so....okay, its baby time!

 

With the second one I started getting baby fever because I'm 33, so its kind of the last chance. I thought maybe in a couple of years. Husband and I bantered back and forth a bit about planning another one. I was leaning more towards yes, be was leaning more towards no. Then it turned out I was already two weeks pregnant. The odds were pretty incredible. Only one possible night it could have happened in the last year......go figure. We've both somewhat had the attitude since marriage "if babies come, great. If they don't, then that's the way it goes too." Our happiness doesn't depend on whether or not we have them, but so far it's a plus instead of a minus. Which is great.

 

But this pregnancy has been tougher than the last one (and the last one was pretty rough ending in 3.5 days of labour!). So I discovered that yes, I wanted another kid, but would have much preferred the stork drop-off method to the pregnancy. By far.

 

As for my daughter being socialized to be Mommy, actually no. I'm kind of surprised how much of a relatively stereotypical girl she is. It kind of cracks me up. I was very much into boy-type things when I was little. I played with Barbie dolls but I really wanted to be in the army. Or be a police officer. I really liked more what they would label "boys stuff."

 

My daughter has been interested in a variety of things and she doesn't come from a 'traditional' home. My husband is more the stay-at-home parent and I have always worked. We've shared and changed roles over time though too. But Daddy is definitely more domestically inclined. She loves to play with trains. And cars. We dont do the "boys toys and girls toys" labels. And she loves "really nice cars" which to me is strange because my husband and I have no interest in them whatsoever. We aren't 'car show' or 'oh look at that one' people. But she is. She's wanted her own car since she was two. I knew I was in big trouble when she said to me one day, "Mommy, I'm big to drive the car now." And she threw a bit of a fit when I had to let her know that she had to wait.

 

The Mommy thing is entirely hers. She has always loved babies. I was very surprised how it seemed to be an ingrained thing. Just like her favorite colours were pink and purple. Mine's blue. Plus when she was about two saying to me, "Mommy, I love shoes. I LOVE shoes." I'm sure part of girls often looking toward Mommy stuff is socialization. But for us, it just seemed like she wanted to be like me. Which was pretty flattering.

 

There hasn't been a feminine woman on either side for two generations. But she's into all of these girl things. And overall kid TV isn't a factor. But, like me when I was a kid, she wants to be a police officer. My husband likes to watch CTV and CNN, with all of the shootings going on, she says, "I want to be a police officer so I can save people from bullets." (The idea of her becoming a cop makes me cringe a little, bit we certainly won't discourage her). She's very much her own little person. I like seeing who she becomes instead of trying to unload my own expectations on her.

[BettyDraper]

Long response alert:

 

First off, thanks for the compliment.

 

Its funny. I don't really resent my Mom big time for that.

She was just really into kids. I also recognize, abd recognized young that she's lived a very sheltered life in regards to ever having to provide for herself or her children. So she wasnt going to "get it." They also have been much better grandparents than they ever were parents, which is intetesting. My father is actually the narcissist. The main reason I wouldn't have left a teenage pregnancy behind with him.

 

Truth is, I wasn't hot on the baby bandwagon, even post marriage. I was told I couldn't have them and that made me sad. I thought eventually I would like to, and to me it's part and parcel of the whole human experience that I didn't want to miss out on.

 

I thought I would be a better parent than I am too. I hear myself and think, "oh crap, I really just said that. I really got upset over socks. This is what I do now."

 

I would say that parenting for me is kind of unnatural. My mother was a great Mom.in some ways, but in the ways she just capitulated and ganged up with my Dad, it was completely abusively ridiculous.

 

Yes there was baby pressure. But there was a lot of other weird pressures from them too. My father, for instance tried to socially isolate me in almost every way. But he wouldn't do it in front of my Mother. In certain ways he tries to pretend to be far more functional than he is in front of her, and then abuse me secretly. So, not a great patenting template overall.

 

The only one who dearly pays for that is my husband, because I get quite paranoid about that. But I've never seen or heard any evidence of any aberation. He reminds me more of my mother (not pushing for grandkids), very protective of her feeling but not so good at providing structure or discipline.

 

The other pressures that my father applied was directly, overtly to my relationships. In fact, once outside the territory of his direct control he has completely cast me aside. Refuses to even acknowledge my marriage. Treated previous boyfriends as threats that he would hunt down and be violent to etc. He looks scary too.

 

To this day, if my Mom says 'lets get the cute little grandkid in soccer," he will. Right away. But he will sign her up under my maiden name! His last name. He refuses to acknowledge my husband privately or publicly. In times where intros are made, he would introduce my daughter and I but not my husband etc. It's pretty weird. But a vast improvement over trying to take a crowbar through my windshield because my husband was driving the car.

 

My husband has balls of steel too quite frankly. So that's a plus.

 

But as for the pregnancies, abortion is not a thing for me, at all. So once I was pregnant and was sick, well, that's just too bad for me.

 

But I really took of an inventory of what I wanted etc when I found out I was pregnant at first. I thought "well is there any reason I don't want one." The only thing I came up with is that they can really act up on airplanes and if I want to travel that can be a real PITA.

 

Then I realized, I wasn't going to be affording lots of international travel any time soon so....okay, its baby time!

 

With the second one I started getting baby fever because I'm 33, so its kind of the last chance. I thought maybe in a couple of years. Husband and I bantered back and forth a bit about planning another one. I was leaning more towards yes, be was leaning more towards no. Then it turned out I was already two weeks pregnant. The odds were pretty incredible. Only one possible night it could have happened in the last year......go figure. We've both somewhat had the attitude since marriage "if babies come, great. If they don't, then that's the way it goes too." Our happiness doesn't depend on whether or not we have them, but so far it's a plus instead of a minus. Which is great.

 

But this pregnancy has been tougher than the last one (and the last one was pretty rough ending in 3.5 days of labour!). So I discovered that yes, I wanted another kid, but would have much preferred the stork drop-off method to the pregnancy. By far.

 

As for my daughter being socialized to be Mommy, actually no. I'm kind of surprised how much of a relatively stereotypical girl she is. It kind of cracks me up. I was very much into boy-type things when I was little. I played with Barbie dolls but I really wanted to be in the army. Or be a police officer. I really liked more what they would label "boys stuff."

 

My daughter has been interested in a variety of things and she doesn't come from a 'traditional' home. My husband is more the stay-at-home parent and I have always worked. We've shared and changed roles over time though too. But Daddy is definitely more domestically inclined. She loves to play with trains. And cars. We dont do the "boys toys and girls toys" labels. And she loves "really nice cars" which to me is strange because my husband and I have no interest in them whatsoever. We aren't 'car show' or 'oh look at that one' people. But she is. She's wanted her own car since she was two. I knew I was in big trouble when she said to me one day, "Mommy, I'm big to drive the car now." And she threw a bit of a fit when I had to let her know that she had to wait.

 

The Mommy thing is entirely hers. She has always loved babies. I was very surprised how it seemed to be an ingrained thing. Just like her favorite colours were pink and purple. Mine's blue. Plus when she was about two saying to me, "Mommy, I love shoes. I LOVE shoes." I'm sure part of girls often looking toward Mommy stuff is socialization. But for us, it just seemed like she wanted to be like me. Which was pretty flattering.

 

There hasn't been a feminine woman on either side for two generations. But she's into all of these girl things. And overall kid TV isn't a factor. But, like me when I was a kid, she wants to be a police officer. My husband likes to watch CTV and CNN, with all of the shootings going on, she says, "I want to be a police officer so I can save people from bullets." (The idea of her becoming a cop makes me cringe a little, bit we certainly won't discourage her). She's very much her own little person. I like seeing who she becomes instead of trying to unload my own expectations on her.

 

The funny is I'm traditionally feminine in every other way.

I have a traditional marriage, I love all the girly things like manicures and fashion and I'm not the kind of woman who enjoys the corporate world.

Few things bring me more pleasure than keeping a lovely home and having a dinner prepared for my husband when he comes home.

 

I hate being pressured to do anything; especially if the person pressuring me won't let up after I have already declined their request.

 

Your birth story made me cross my legs tightly. One of the reasons I am not having children is I can't imagine going through pregnancy and birth. It would feel entirely too invasive for me. I'm also very much into controlling what happens to my body so pregnancy and birth seem too vulnerable for my taste. I don't even handle complete physicals well so I can't imagine being pregnant or giving birth.

[SpiralOut]

My parents don't really say anything about my reproductive choices. I suspect they would be happy to have grandchildren. At the same time, I know for a fact they don't want me to have kids unless I am in a good position to have them. They strongly disapprove of financially insecure people having children.

 

My aunt and uncle have 3 grandkids. They weren't very happy to hear about the pregnancies, mostly because they do not like their daughter-in-law, and their son and DIL aren't doing well financially.

[dreamingoftigers]

Your birth story made me cross my legs tightly. One of the reasons I am not having children is I can't imagine going through pregnancy and birth. It would feel entirely too invasive for me. I'm also very much into controlling what happens to my body so pregnancy and birth seem too vulnerable for my taste. I don't even handle complete physicals well so I can't imagine being pregnant or giving birth.

 

I get that.

It isn't first on my "to do" list either. LMAO.

 

During my first pregnancy it was strange. It made me think that's where they got the plot for the movie "Alien" except even creepier that popping out your stomach, it pops out your private parts. Ick.

 

But, the thing is, its temporary.

 

I truly HATED beyond HATE the birthing process and the way it was handled. I AM NOT looking forward to it again. BUT again, it's a short-term thing and then you get a baby.

 

And man, nature has that one sorted out. Once you have one, your brain says "send me more of these." I could not have had the same drivers before my first one. So its interesting to me.

[BettyDraper]

I get that.

It isn't first on my "to do" list either. LMAO.

 

During my first pregnancy it was strange. It made me think that's where they got the plot for the movie "Alien" except even creepier that popping out your stomach, it pops out your private parts. Ick.

 

But, the thing is, its temporary.

 

I truly HATED beyond HATE the birthing process and the way it was handled. I AM NOT looking forward to it again. BUT again, it's a short-term thing and then you get a baby.

 

And man, nature has that one sorted out. Once you have one, your brain says "send me more of these." I could not have had the same drivers before my first one. So its interesting to me.

 

I realize it's temporary but I'm not interested in spending nearly a year being unable to control the discomforts that come with pregnancy. I'm also horrified and disgusted by the process of giving birth. Giving birth is a natural and necessary process but many natural things about being human are gross.

 

I am in the process of changing my body with diet and exercise. Due to a slow metabolism, losing weight is very hard for me. I'm not interested in gaining stubborn pregnancy weight either.

 

I spent years being subjected to unwelcome things done to my body. I had very little freedom as a young woman. Now I am all about having as much agency over my body and my life as possible. I want to enjoy my life without the challenges of motherhood. That's why I'm glad I worked with many children before I made this decision.

Edited February 7, 2016 by BettyDraper

[dreamingoftigers]

I realize it's temporary but I'm not interested in spending nearly a year being unable to control the discomforts that come with pregnancy. I'm also horrified and disgusted by the process of giving birth. Giving birth is a natural and necessary process but many natural things about being human are gross.

 

I am in the process of changing my body with diet and exercise. Due to a slow metabolism, losing weight is very hard for me. I'm not interested in gaining stubborn pregnancy weight either.

 

I spent years being subjected to unwelcome things done to my body. I had very little freedom as a young woman. Now I am all about having as much agency over my body and my life as possible. I want to enjoy my life without the challenges of motherhood. That's why I'm glad I worked with many children before I made this decision.

 

Oh, I hope you don't feel like I was trying to "sell it to you."

 

I just yak a lot about my own life and perceptions because it helps me process them. This thread was an interesting topic.

 

I would have been happy with or without kids.

But I'm glad I have one and another to come.

 

Some folks get very almost "moralistic" or "judgmental" about whether or not someone has or doesn't have kids. Almost like a religion. I get offended when I hear the term "breeder" etc. Everyone has their own life and their own template. My daughter IS awesome, but if Everyone found out just how awesome, I would have to hide her