If your adult children didn't want kids...

[Tayla]

What would make you question the reasons for your sons' hypothetical decision?

 

I don't see what's wrong with conveying a viewpoint, as long as it is done respectfully and there is no manipulation. Spreading rumors is unacceptable and so are statements such as "You're just doing that to please your spouse!" or "You will regret that when you get older!" Comments like that are presumptuous and ignorant. I'm very careful about what I share with others as I don't want to be judged or have my disclosures used against me like they have in the past.

 

When people respond aggressively to my choices which have nothing to do with them, that is when I feel the need to put them in their places. I have stopped talking to certain people because they repeatedly made rude comments about my decision. I don't understand that since I don't make snide remarks about those who decide to have kids.

 

absolutely agree that such comments as your mother conveyed did not welcome an honest discussion whereby you could both garner a respectable acceptance. I'm sorry that such was said to you.

 

When or if a discussion with sons ever came about , we do so with good intent . I sense though ( and i leave that open for consideration) that You take angst if someone questions your decision? Such as " how dare someone question my decisions!". Well as adults we are accountable. To ourselves and sometimes to those that are affected. When there is confidence in the decision and peace about it... then anyones counter point will simply affirm that it was the right choice... unsure though that as an adult your moms lack of diplomacy couldn't use some upgrading. That is on her to improve upon.

[shoplocal]

My mother is very unhappy with my decision not to have kids.

 

My cousin is very close to my mom and she has told my cousin that she feels responsible for my choice. My mother and I will never be close because she was quite vicious to me for a long time. I forgive her but I can't and won't forget her actions. My cousin says that my mother mourns the loss of the opportunity to share the experience of pregnancy and birth with me as a woman. She was also especially looking forward to her daughter's grandchildren; I have one brother who has a son.

 

I didn't make this choice to hurt my mom. I made it for other reasons but I will admit that my mother's treatment of me certainly impacted my decision.

 

My question is would you be upset if your adult children didn't want kids? Why or why not?

 

BettyDraper, I can relate to your situation very strongly. I, too, had a rough relationship with my mother which has (I believe) made me stronger. And I, too, am childless. In fact, not me or any of my siblings has children.

 

Afaict, my mother was deeply saddened by this, for several years. Now that we're all older (30s-40s), I think she's accepted her loss. If one of us got pregnant or got someone pregnant at this point, I'm certain she'd be over the moon. But it's unlikely to happen and we all know it and don't talk about it. We -- my parents and my adult siblings and I -- are now each other's 'growing' family. I say that because relationships change when children become adults, so even though there are no new children to change/add to the family dynamic, our own connections are still quite active.

 

If you are firm in your decision, then eventually your mother could come around to make peace with it...but she may never be as comfortable with it as you are. Losing grandchildren is very hard, both because it reflects negatively on the would-be grandparents, and because they are helpless to change the situation in any way.

[newmoon]

If wanted children, I certainly would not wait past the age of 35 due to a higher risk of birth defects and difficulty conceiving. I would have had children already since I married in my late twenties. Some people can make proactive plans about huge decisions.

 

Your "maybe you'll change your mind when you become more mature" comment is condescending and ridiculous. I am a married woman in her early 30s who can be completely sure about not wanting children. I am not 19 or 21 and single. If I felt that there was a chance that I would change my mind, I would not have married a man who had a vasectomy before we met. Other people have made comments similar to yours but they always have nothing to say after I mention my husband's vasectomy.

 

yawn... yawn... yawn... sign back on here when you're actually over 40 and let us know if you're still childless. the point is not to be condescending, but it's fact that a vast segment of women have at some point said 'i don't want children' and then... they change their mind as they age. that's just fact. being 30.. you've got many years yet (and perhaps even a second husband who can have kids). life changes for people ... that's the point.

[BettyDraper]

absolutely agree that such comments as your mother conveyed did not welcome an honest discussion whereby you could both garner a respectable acceptance. I'm sorry that such was said to you.

 

When or if a discussion with sons ever came about , we do so with good intent . I sense though ( and i leave that open for consideration) that You take angst if someone questions your decision? Such as " how dare someone question my decisions!". Well as adults we are accountable. To ourselves and sometimes to those that are affected. When there is confidence in the decision and peace about it... then anyones counter point will simply affirm that it was the right choice... unsure though that as an adult your moms lack of diplomacy couldn't use some upgrading. That is on her to improve upon.

 

To be honest, I don't believe that I am accountable to my mother when it comes to decisions about how I live my life. Since I am no longer dependent on her and I am not a child, I do not owe her an explanation for the reasons I do certain things. Perhaps I would feel more amenable to having a discussion with my mother if she was more diplomatic and less intrusive.

 

People are free to question my decision. I simply will not tolerate rude comments or automatic negative assumptions which are commonly voiced to me.

[BettyDraper]

yawn... yawn... yawn... sign back on here when you're actually over 40 and let us know if you're still childless. the point is not to be condescending, but it's fact that a vast segment of women have at some point said 'i don't want children' and then... they change their mind as they age. that's just fact. being 30.. you've got many years yet (and perhaps even a second husband who can have kids). life changes for people ... that's the point.

 

:lmao:

 

Yes, because you are an expert on a stranger's life as well as her marriage.

 

Perhaps you didn't know what you wanted in your early 30s, but some people are actually sensible enough to make huge decisions at that age.

 

You may not have meant to be condescending. However, it appears that you lack the communication skills to see just how insufferable and imperious you sound.

 

Yawn.

Edited January 4, 2016 by BettyDraper

[BettyDraper]

BettyDraper, I can relate to your situation very strongly. I, too, had a rough relationship with my mother which has (I believe) made me stronger. And I, too, am childless. In fact, not me or any of my siblings has children.

 

Afaict, my mother was deeply saddened by this, for several years. Now that we're all older (30s-40s), I think she's accepted her loss. If one of us got pregnant or got someone pregnant at this point, I'm certain she'd be over the moon. But it's unlikely to happen and we all know it and don't talk about it. We -- my parents and my adult siblings and I -- are now each other's 'growing' family. I say that because relationships change when children become adults, so even though there are no new children to change/add to the family dynamic, our own connections are still quite active.

 

If you are firm in your decision, then eventually your mother could come around to make peace with it...but she may never be as comfortable with it as you are. Losing grandchildren is very hard, both because it reflects negatively on the would-be grandparents, and because they are helpless to change the situation in any way.

 

My mother's lack of comfort with my decision isn't the real issue here.

It is the rumor spreading and assumptions about my marriage that are inappropriate.

 

Perhaps my mother is mourning the loss of potential grandchildren rather than losing grandkids? After all, she can't lose grandchildren that she never had right?

 

Not sure how my decision reflects negatively on my mother...

[Tayla]

hmmmm... interesting. Lets agree that being adult means being accountable. Just as your mom is fully accountable for her actions and opinions. Some day you'll understand the difference in justifying your decisions verses being accountable for such. There is a difference.

Even presidents of companies are accountable for decisions made that affect the staff. Based on your mantra though, an adult doesn't have to answer to anyone. Adults who are responsible do answer and accept the accolades or consequences. I'm thankfull every day to have family that supports or guides in those moments where tough decisions are made. Unlike your scenario , we discuss varying ideas and alternative actions. Its what an open family does. Ultimately its the persons choice... and it gets supported.

Your personal choice Is every bit yours to make, its your body. I respectfully disagree that telling another adult who birthed you that you are no longer accountable for your actions or decisions does reflect poorly on being an adult in the wholesome sense. I respected my elders and while we disagreed , I cannot imagine telling them that their view point wasn't worth hearing out since I became an "adult". That position never gave me the right to treat them like second class citizens... They were still my elders. Again , as we both agree, your moms comments do deserve improvement on diplomacy.

My sons are 31 and 35, each living good lives, and for the most part I do not intrude on their good sense of judgment, we do though have doors open when times of talks are placed for support. when my son had a medical scare I was grateful that as an adult he shared that news and recognized that being accountable allowed us all to band together and help him thru that medical choice. It was his to make, and we each rallied to his aide. But by your theory, its not a parents concern anymore ... wow is all I can say to that concept.

[newmoon]

:lmao:

 

Yes, because you are an expert on a stranger's life as well as her marriage.

 

Perhaps you didn't know what you wanted in your early 30s, but some people are actually sensible enough to make huge decisions at that age.

 

You may not have meant to be condescending. However, it appears that you lack the communication skills to see just how insufferable and imperious you sound.

 

Yawn.

 

perhaps with your attitude tis' best you don't become a mother. your vocabulary doesn't impress me either, dear.

[Eighty_nine]

BettyDraper, with all due respect, I'm pretty sure most people who choose to have children have some clue that it's not all sunshine and roses. In fact I think most of us are aware it's equal parts joy and misery (probably more misery at points, more joy at others). I also feel like the parents I know have all been very straightforward about the challenges of parenthood. I just don't like the assertion that expectant parents think it's going to be easy. Also, freedom is certainly possible with children- it's more work, but you can make it happen. The way you view freedom seems not to be attainable with children, but my point is just that your post seems a bit condescending toward people who have or want kids. And the other post was a bit condescending toward you. Seems most women have difficulty discussing this issue.

 

I'm 30 and pregnant. I literally spent my 20s traveling the world. That'll be changing a bit, but not eliminated from my life. I enjoy the older and younger generations of my family so much that I just couldn't miss out on continuing them. if there aren't a ton of positive role models and relationships in an individual's family, I can see why adding to the family wouldn't be a priority.

 

 

And no, it's not fair for parents to hold their child's choice not to procreate against them. If they're a grown adult, they can choose whatever they want.

Edited January 4, 2016 by lissvarna

[BettyDraper]

hmmmm... interesting. Lets agree that being adult means being accountable. Just as your mom is fully accountable for her actions and opinions. Some day you'll understand the difference in justifying your decisions verses being accountable for such. There is a difference.

Even presidents of companies are accountable for decisions made that affect the staff. Based on your mantra though, an adult doesn't have to answer to anyone. Adults who are responsible do answer and accept the accolades or consequences. I'm thankfull every day to have family that supports or guides in those moments where tough decisions are made. Unlike your scenario , we discuss varying ideas and alternative actions. Its what an open family does. Ultimately its the persons choice... and it gets supported.

Your personal choice Is every bit yours to make, its your body. I respectfully disagree that telling another adult who birthed you that you are no longer accountable for your actions or decisions does reflect poorly on being an adult in the wholesome sense. I respected my elders and while we disagreed , I cannot imagine telling them that their view point wasn't worth hearing out since I became an "adult". That position never gave me the right to treat them like second class citizens... They were still my elders. Again , as we both agree, your moms comments do deserve improvement on diplomacy.

My sons are 31 and 35, each living good lives, and for the most part I do not intrude on their good sense of judgment, we do though have doors open when times of talks are placed for support. when my son had a medical scare I was grateful that as an adult he shared that news and recognized that being accountable allowed us all to band together and help him thru that medical choice. It was his to make, and we each rallied to his aide. But by your theory, its not a parents concern anymore ... wow is all I can say to that concept.

 

When did I say that an adult doesn't have to answer to anyone? I specifically said that I don't have to answer to my mother. I answer to myself and my husband.

 

Exercising my right to make decisions without my mother's input, is not the same as treating her as "a second class citizen.":laugh: Only an overbearing person would jump to that conclusion. I'm not sure why you believe that younger people are obligated to put up with whatever elders dish out, but most reasonable people realize that respect goes both ways regardless of age difference. That includes respect for privacy and autonomy. Meddling is a sign of arrogance, narcissism and an inability to let go.

 

I hope that you will come to realize that elders are not always right. Based on your responses, I doubt that you will ever understand that sometimes parents need to take several seats. A parent is supposed to raise their children to be independent and able to make their own choices, not run to Mommy every time they have a problem or seek Mommy's approval.

Edited January 4, 2016 by BettyDraper

[BettyDraper]

BettyDraper, with all due respect, I'm pretty sure most people who choose to have children have some clue that it's not all sunshine and roses. In fact I think most of us are aware it's equal parts joy and misery (probably more misery at points, more joy at others). I also feel like the parents I know have all been very straightforward about the challenges of parenthood. I just don't like the assertion that expectant parents think it's going to be easy. Also, freedom is certainly possible with children- it's more work, but you can make it happen. The way you view freedom seems not to be attainable with children, but my point is just that your post seems a bit condescending toward people who have or want kids. And the other post was a bit condescending toward you. Seems most women have difficulty discussing this issue.

 

I'm 30 and pregnant. I literally spent my 20s traveling the world. That'll be changing a bit, but not eliminated from my life. I enjoy the older and younger generations of my family so much that I just couldn't miss out on continuing them. if there aren't a ton of positive role models and relationships in an individual's family, I can see why adding to the family wouldn't be a priority.

 

 

And no, it's not fair for parents to hold their child's choice not to procreate against them. If they're a grown adult, they can choose whatever they want.

 

Most of the statements about freedom were not my own. They came straight from the mouths of mothers and I believe them. I agree that freedom is certainly possible with kids, but I also think that it becomes a rarer commodity once children come into someone's life.

 

To be fair, the first condescending comments were about my choice not to have children. I simply responded in kind.

 

My opinion comes from what I have noticed with many moms.

The mothers that I know (including my own) became very frustrated with how their lives changed once they had kids. They also constantly bemoaned how hard being a parent was. I'm not sure what they were expecting because I don't even have kids and I don't assume that it is easy.

My years of experience with children of different ages probably shaped my decision as well. I was never so exhausted and frazzled as when I was looking after children. I can remember thinking "There's no way I could do this 24/7."

 

I'm glad that you understand where my viewpoint came from and I'm glad that you had a chance to travel before having children. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

[Ms. Faust]

Also, freedom is certainly possible with children- it's more work, but you can make it happen. The way you view freedom seems not to be attainable with children...

 

 

When I had my daughter I expected my lifestyle to really change. Like a HUGE change. Now I wonder if I led a boring life because not much has changed at all. My husband and I have discussed it, and we feel like we continue doing the same things, we just have an addition.

 

We still travel avidly, we still go out for dinner or the movies, we have maintained our frugality and prudence with finances, we socialize, play, invest in our hobbies, and our sex life has actually increased. Of course I realize there will be fluctuations in our lives but the same could be said if we were childless as well.

 

I think what made a huge difference for us is we meticulously planned getting pregnant and having a baby. We wanted X amount in emergency savings, X in investments before baby. We met our goal, and even with me going part time our lifestyle has not really changed. Also, if one could not tell by what I just said, we are not the most impulsive people in the world. We are slow planners. I have read of people missing that spontaneity, but other than suddenly wanting sex or going out to eat, we usually sit and carefully plan things out.

 

All that being said I am 100% certain that it would be different if I had a special needs child, and as always, things can change as our daughter gets older. But for now we march on as we did before, except hubby has a baby harnessed to his chest.

[bathtub-row]

I am already anchored by my husband and he is my family.

 

I know that children do not always bring joy to life because of what I experienced with my mother. I have also spoken to many of my mommy friends before I made my choice. They have told me the real story about motherhood, instead of pretending that it is all wonderful Kodak moments. I greatly appreciate that about my mommy friends. They tell me that I will always have more disposable income, more time with my husband, a body that has not been ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth and endless freedom. My mommy friends have even said that they are jealous of my life.

 

My mom is just too ignorant to understand that not everyone has to follow her path. I'm just happy that she has moved far away so I don't have to see her more than once a year or less.

 

And everything they tell you is true. Having kids is no picnic but the rewards are great. However, there is no guarantee that you'll have great kids, etc. so, yeah, it's a bit of a gamble.

 

What your friends aren't telling you is that children are an investment in your future. When they're in their 50's and 60's, they'll understand that even more. It's hard to see it that way when they're young but there are tons of rewards to putting up with all the growing pains. As the saying goes, most things worth having don't come easy.

 

Keep in mind that while you had a bad childhood with your mother doesn't mean that you would create the same experience with your kid.

 

Having said all that, you are absolutely correct that kids are a huge sacrifice and that you have a lot more freedom, etc. I know that my son wants kids but I have stressed to him the importance of getting his life together before he goes down that path. His gf isn't all that eager to have them right away either so that's a good thing.

 

I don't think there's anything at all wrong about your decision not to have kids. There are pros and cons to going either way.

[StBreton]

Upset? No

 

Bummed? Yes

 

I wouldn't be upset because not everyone has the emotional and physical wherewithal to raise a child ...or the resources. To each their own ...I totally understand. Also ...some people choose to nurture a special talent or career or special interest instead of a child. That's fantastic and if my children decided to do any of those things I'd be happy for them whatever they choose.

 

Would I be bummed they decided against having children ...Absolutley. I love kids and would love to be a grandma someday. My kids haven't graduated school by they allude to having kids someday so they can take them on adventures like we go on now. That's pretty great to hear ...tells me they are liking their childhood.

[BettyDraper]

And everything they tell you is true. Having kids is no picnic but the rewards are great. However, there is no guarantee that you'll have great kids, etc. so, yeah, it's a bit of a gamble.

 

What your friends aren't telling you is that children are an investment in your future. When they're in their 50's and 60's, they'll understand that even more. It's hard to see it that way when they're young but there are tons of rewards to putting up with all the growing pains. As the saying goes, most things worth having don't come easy.

 

Keep in mind that while you had a bad childhood with your mother doesn't mean that you would create the same experience with your kid.

 

Having said all that, you are absolutely correct that kids are a huge sacrifice and that you have a lot more freedom, etc. I know that my son wants kids but I have stressed to him the importance of getting his life together before he goes down that path. His gf isn't all that eager to have them right away either so that's a good thing.

 

I don't think there's anything at all wrong about your decision not to have kids. There are pros and cons to going either way.

 

Kids are not guaranteed to help parents as they age and they do not always turn out well, so they aren't necessarily an investment in their parents' future.

 

My childhood was not terrible in every way but it was awful in the ways that truly mattered. I don't want to go into details because I don't want anyone here to feel sorry for me. What's done is done. I will say that I have noticed most parents repeating how they were raised to some degree. I have some of my mother's undesirable traits and I would rather not take the chance of seeing if I would be the same kind of mother. I've always been told that I am wonderful with children and that comment is usually followed with "I don't know why you don't want kids. You're a natural!"

[BettyDraper]

Upset? No

 

Bummed? Yes

 

I wouldn't be upset because not everyone has the emotional and physical wherewithal to raise a child ...or the resources. To each their own ...I totally understand. Also ...some people choose to nurture a special talent or career or special interest instead of a child. That's fantastic and if my children decided to do any of those things I'd be happy for them whatever they choose.

 

Would I be bummed they decided against having children ...Absolutley. I love kids and would love to be a grandma someday. My kids haven't graduated school by they allude to having kids someday so they can take them on adventures like we go on now. That's pretty great to hear ...tells me they are liking their childhood.

 

I'm happy to hear that your children are enjoying their childhood. That must feel wonderful!

 

I'm interested to know if your children decided not to have kids of their own, would you take that to mean that they didn't enjoy being raised by you? I'm asking because my cousin has told me that my mother feels responsible for my choice in a negative way.

[StBreton]

I'm happy to hear that your children are enjoying their childhood. That must feel wonderful!

 

I'm interested to know if your children decided not to have kids of their own, would you take that to mean that they didn't enjoy being raised by you? I'm asking because my cousin has told me that my mother feels responsible for my choice in a negative way.

 

No I wouldn't think my kids didn't like being raised by me. I think they'd decided to do something else with their lives. Your mom making this "all about her" oh dear ...the drama. Sorry that's happening.

 

FYI ...my mom was not the most nurturing mom. All my siblings went on to have at least 2 kids each. I just think adults decide if children are in the cards for them or not. Sometimes people don't meet someone with whom to have children or at least in time.

 

I'm sure some adults do not have children because of a bad childhood ..:that does happen. Maybe your mom is feeling guilty. That's her deal. If you're content not having children just tell your mom it's not happening ...or tell her you'll do it for a million dollars

[BettyDraper]

When I had my daughter I expected my lifestyle to really change. Like a HUGE change. Now I wonder if I led a boring life because not much has changed at all. My husband and I have discussed it, and we feel like we continue doing the same things, we just have an addition.

 

We still travel avidly, we still go out for dinner or the movies, we have maintained our frugality and prudence with finances, we socialize, play, invest in our hobbies, and our sex life has actually increased. Of course I realize there will be fluctuations in our lives but the same could be said if we were childless as well.

 

I think what made a huge difference for us is we meticulously planned getting pregnant and having a baby. We wanted X amount in emergency savings, X in investments before baby. We met our goal, and even with me going part time our lifestyle has not really changed. Also, if one could not tell by what I just said, we are not the most impulsive people in the world. We are slow planners. I have read of people missing that spontaneity, but other than suddenly wanting sex or going out to eat, we usually sit and carefully plan things out.

 

All that being said I am 100% certain that it would be different if I had a special needs child, and as always, things can change as our daughter gets older. But for now we march on as we did before, except hubby has a baby harnessed to his chest.

 

Being able to do the same things as you did before having kids could be dependent on your social class as well. I live in an affluent area but I do have some friends who can no longer afford to travel, go out or even buy clothes because their children eat up their money.

 

There are very few yummy mummies where I live. Many moms here see it as a badge of honor to look careworn and/or obese. They say that they are better moms because they spend their time looking after their kids rather than taking care of themselves. As if a woman cannot be a great mother and still try to look nice! So silly. I'm glad that I'm left out of the mommy wars as they are a bloodsport where I live.

All of the moms judge each other based on who works and who stays home, who looks good and who doesn't, who breastfeeds and who uses formula etc etc etc. I'm sure that my name comes up during playdates and multilevel marketing parties.

 

A former friend of mine wants a child but she plans on palming off her child on her parents. She believes that since her parents are retired, they should frequently look after her child so that she can work and travel.

This seems very irresponsible and selfish to me. Why have a child only to leave him or her with grandparents all the time? I wonder why my friend never thought that perhaps her parents want to enjoy their retirement free of children.

 

I think it was very sensible of you to plan meticulously before having a child. It boggles my mind how many parents do not plan for their future families when it is such a huge decision. Maybe your life would be different if you ended up with multiples as well. I have a friend with two special needs children. Though she has a nice home, she does have times where she worries about groceries.

[bathtub-row]

Kids are not guaranteed to help parents as they age and they do not always turn out well, so they aren't necessarily an investment in their parents' future.

 

My childhood was not terrible in every way but it was awful in the ways that truly mattered. I don't want to go into details because I don't want anyone here to feel sorry for me. What's done is done. I will say that I have noticed most parents repeating how they were raised to some degree. I have some of my mother's undesirable traits and I would rather not take the chance of seeing if I would be the same kind of mother. I've always been told that I am wonderful with children and that comment is usually followed with "I don't know why you don't want kids. You're a natural!"

 

Lol! I wasn't at all talking about being taken care of. What I was talking about is that special connection a parent can have with a child. It is an I breakable force. Spouses can cheat on you, break their tie with you, and even friends can do the same thing. But children rarely do and the connection is lifelong. There is something so incredible about watching a human grow, watching them become adults and making you so proud you could burst because you know you had a part in that, and that a part of you lives inside of them. This is not about ego, it's about the deepest form of love there is.

 

Believe me when I tell you that I was anti-kids for a very long time. I didn't have my son until I was 32. He is now 25 and we are very close, yet he's fully independent. A real connection with a child that is of your flesh and blood is the ultimate human experience, if you ask me. I never expected it, never understood what it would mean to me later in life.

 

Yet, if I had never had my son, I wouldn't know that. And the truth is, there are some kids that are just plain rotten no matter what you do. But I think that's rare if a parent does a good job of staying connected to their children.

 

I've known plenty of people who had very bad childhoods but were great parents. Your mother actually taught you a valuable lesson in how NOT to parent. Still, you know yourself better than anyone. If you feel that kids aren't for you, then I'm sure you're right.

[BettyDraper]

No I wouldn't think my kids didn't like being raised by me. I think they'd decided to do something else with their lives. Your mom making this "all about her" oh dear ...the drama. Sorry that's happening.

 

FYI ...my mom was not the most nurturing mom. All my siblings went on to have at least 2 kids each. I just think adults decide if children are in the cards for them or not. Sometimes people don't meet someone with whom to have children or at least in time.

 

I'm sure some adults do not have children because of a bad childhood ..:that does happen. Maybe your mom is feeling guilty. That's her deal. If you're content not having children just tell your mom it's not happening ...or tell her you'll do it for a million dollars

 

My mom has a tendency to make EVERYTHING about her.

 

I have already told my mother that we are not having kids several times.

I agree that people choose not to have kids for different reasons and not just a bad childhood. There's a difference between not being the most nurturing mother and being a horrible mom though.

 

I first started to think about not having kids when I was 17. I still felt that way at 25 and met my husband soon after. I was so happy to finally meet a man who didn't want kids and he was equally excited that I felt the same way. Even if I changed my mind about wanting children, I would not leave my husband because I knew how he felt about kids when we met.

I wouldn't take the risk of finding another husband because good men are in short supply. I don't believe in having children out of wedlock.

[BettyDraper]

Lol! I wasn't at all talking about being taken care of. What I was talking about is that special connection a parent can have with a child. It is an I breakable force. Spouses can cheat on you, break their tie with you, and even friends can do the same thing. But children rarely do and the connection is lifelong. There is something so incredible about watching a human grow, watching them become adults and making you so proud you could burst because you know you had a part in that, and that a part of you lives inside of them. This is not about ego, it's about the deepest form of love there is.

 

Believe me when I tell you that I was anti-kids for a very long time. I didn't have my son until I was 32. He is now 25 and we are very close, yet he's fully independent. A real connection with a child that is of your flesh and blood is the ultimate human experience, if you ask me. I never expected it, never understood what it would mean to me later in life.

 

Yet, if I had never had my son, I wouldn't know that. And the truth is, there are some kids that are just plain rotten no matter what you do. But I think that's rare if a parent does a good job of staying connected to their children.

 

I've known plenty of people who had very bad childhoods but were great parents. Your mother actually taught you a valuable lesson in how NOT to parent. Still, you know yourself better than anyone. If you feel that kids aren't for you, then I'm sure you're right.

 

Sorry for my assumption.

 

I'm glad that you don't think that only parents can know what true love is.

While I will never know the love that a mother has for her child, I am still not completely inexperienced about different types of love. I would rather not believe that having kids is "the ultimate human experience" because that would invalidate those who cannot have children or those who choose to contribute to the world in other ways.

 

I'm not anti kids. I do enjoy spending time with well behaved and sweet children. I have a lot of fun when I look after my nephew and my little cousin. They both make me laugh. My heart melts when my nephew kisses me or my baby cousin says "You do it!" when he's dancing and he wants me to join in.

 

I agree that it is possible for someone with a bad childhood to be a great parent. I just don't think I'm up to the task due to considerable emotional damage. Therapy doesn't cure everything. Don't even get me started on pregnancy and childbirth...I could never go through those processes. They both seem too invasive and vulnerable.

[Ms. Faust]

Being able to do the same things as you did before having kids could be dependent on your social class as well. I live in an affluent area but I do have some friends who can no longer afford to travel, go out or even buy clothes because their children eat up their money.

 

There are very few yummy mummies where I live. Many moms here see it as a badge of honor to look careworn and/or obese. They say that they are better moms because they spend their time looking after their kids rather than taking care of themselves. As if a woman cannot be a great mother and still try to look nice! So silly. I'm glad that I'm left out of the mommy wars as they are a bloodsport where I live.

All of the moms judge each other based on who works and who stays home, who looks good and who doesn't, who breastfeeds and who uses formula etc etc etc. I'm sure that my name comes up during playdates and multilevel marketing parties.

 

A former friend of mine wants a child but she plans on palming off her child on her parents. She believes that since her parents are retired, they should frequently look after her child so that she can work and travel.

This seems very irresponsible and selfish to me. Why have a child only to leave him or her with grandparents all the time? I wonder why my friend never thought that perhaps her parents want to enjoy their retirement free of children.

 

I think it was very sensible of you to plan meticulously before having a child. It boggles my mind how many parents do not plan for their future families when it is such a huge decision. Maybe your life would be different if you ended up with multiples as well. I have a friend with two special needs children. Though she has a nice home, she does have times where she worries about groceries.

 

Lol, yeah if only we had the luxury to have family around. We moved for my husband's career, and are looking at moving again.

 

Once again, I think geography comes into play. I live in a middle class "hipster" neighborhood but work in an affluent town. The hourly daycare I occasionally use is in the same town. The moms I see are hot to trot MILFs. They take care to look amazing. But my city is very much into clean living, outdoor activities and such.

 

My husband is a professional and makes good money, but he is also very, very frugal. We did not want having a child to impede on his goals of early retirement. I think people believe that when they have kids they suddenly need to accommodate by getting the bigger house, the bigger car, the grand vacations. They drive themselves into debt keeping up with the idea of the "American Dream".

 

I dunno, i believe people would be happier if they kept with simple lives, that goes for those with children and the childless.

 

For the record my mom is a one and done type of person. She balked at the idea when I said we were planning on having another.

[BettyDraper]

Lol, yeah if only we had the luxury to have family around. We moved for my husband's career, and are looking at moving again.

 

Once again, I think geography comes into play. I live in a middle class "hipster" neighborhood but work in an affluent town. The hourly daycare I occasionally use is in the same town. The moms I see are hot to trot MILFs. They take care to look amazing. But my city is very much into clean living, outdoor activities and such.

 

My husband is a professional and makes good money, but he is also very, very frugal. We did not want having a child to impede on his goals of early retirement. I think people believe that when they have kids they suddenly need to accommodate by getting the bigger house, the bigger car, the grand vacations. They drive themselves into debt keeping up with the idea of the "American Dream".

 

I dunno, i believe people would be happier if they kept with simple lives, that goes for those with children and the childless.

 

For the record my mom is a one and done type of person. She balked at the idea when I said we were planning on having another.

 

We live an hour north of most of my family. It isn't very far but most of them rarely make the trip; I have to go to the city to see them. My husband family lives a plane ride away and in a different time zone. My parents live in another country. We communicate with our family via telephone, email and Whatsapp.

 

I don't think it is wrong to ask family to help with childcare. I help my brother with my nephew and I enjoy it. What I don't think is fair is when parents assume that family members should constantly take time out of their lives to look after kids that aren't theirs. Whomever conceives a child needs to be prepared to shoulder the responsibility.

 

My small city is near a lot of ski resorts and farms. The part of the city we live in is not very developed so it has a rural feel to it. Many people are into organic food for their children but few practice the same eating habits for themselves. A lot women here say that I'm "skinny" even though I am overweight and working on getting into a size 10. I suppose it's all relative.

[bathtub-row]

You make a good point. There are other things of value in life. The connection between child and parent is truly intense but that doesn't mean life has no meaning without that.

 

I think you're making the right decision for yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or selfish or anything else for not wanting children. You already know that your mom is screwed up so her opinion about it is irrelevant. Just because you can have kids doesn't mean you have to. It's certainly optional. And aren't there enough kids in this world?

[BettyDraper]

You make a good point. There are other things of value in life. The connection between child and parent is truly intense but that doesn't mean life has no meaning without that.

 

I think you're making the right decision for yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or selfish or anything else for not wanting children. You already know that your mom is screwed up so her opinion about it is irrelevant. Just because you can have kids doesn't mean you have to. It's certainly optional. And aren't there enough kids in this world?

 

I think it is the rumor spreading that bothers me the most. My mom rarely approves of most things that I do so I am used to her negativity. I just stay away from it most of the time and I guard what I share with her.

 

I know I'm not selfish because I constantly give of myself. I volunteer with two organizations and I make an effort to include people in my life who have been rejected by others for different reasons. I am the friend who lends a listening ear and tries to help whenever she can.

 

I think that there are too many unwanted and poorly cared for children in this world.