When does the sadness stop?

[thespacey1]

The sadness stops when you've grieved enough and allowed yourself to focus more on getting better and being good to yourself.

 

Just because you're still thinking of an ex from time to time,doesn't mean you're not healing. You may think about an ex for the rest of your life,but try creating new memories while embracing some of the memories of your ex.

 

The "disappearing thread" really is wierd. Not sure about that one... When was theast time you had any contact with your ex? Does he even know about you being on this site?

Thanks muse08. We haven't been communicating regularly at all. We texted about a month ago just hello ,how are u. Prior to that it was about 2 months of NC.

 

When we were together I started a thread about our relationship. When we were together, he would always wake up before me and go to work before me and right before he'd leave(every single morning), he walk to my side of the bed and kiss me. Mind you,I'd never notice him there until he kissed me .

 

So once or twice he looked me square in the eyes and repeated a sentence from a text that I texted someone about him. He wanted to see my response but I was so shocked about what it meant...it meant he was looking thru my.phone,either in the mornings while i was sleep or had some kind of software on my phone. Then, he woke me up one morning at around 5:30am asking me about 2 of my ex's.I was shocked and confused,not to mention half sleep... Then........ once he wanted to prove to me that he could into my phone(since it had a password /pattern on it). He easily unlocked my phone with no problem and said,"yeah I just want to let you know I'm not a dummy".

 

I never thought he was a dummy.... But I thought he was hyper-vigelant and paranoid about my motives. So could he be on this site? Anything's possible especially with him. He's very smart, "crafty" as he put it and quite resourceful.

Edited March 17, 2016 by thespacey1

[Murek]

So once or twice he looked me square in the eyes and repeated a sentence from a text that I texted someone about him. He wanted to see my response but I was so shocked about what it meant...it meant he was looking thru my.phone,either in the mornings while i was sleep or had some kind of software on my phone. Then, he woke me up one morning at around 5:30am asking me about 2 of my ex's.I was shocked and confused,not to mention half sleep... Then........ once he wanted to prove to me that he could into my phone(since it had a password /pattern on it). He easily unlocked my phone with no problem and said,"yeah I just want to let you know I'm not a dummy".

 

I never thought he was a dummy.... But I thought he was hyper-vigelant and paranoid about my motives. So could he be on this site? Anything's possible especially with him. He's very smart, "crafty" as he put it and quite resourceful.

 

 

Thats some reeealll.. shady **** tbh, major insecurities etc.

 

If he is, or isn't on the site - does it truly matter.. nope.

Does it matter if he got a new dog..? No.

Don't concern yourself with this any more my friend - your much better then that. These videos will convey much better than what I can.

 

 

(while this is not completely relevant, I found it hilarious)

[thespacey1]

Thats some reeealll.. shady **** tbh, major insecurities etc.

 

If he is, or isn't on the site - does it truly matter.. nope.

Does it matter if he got a new dog..? No.

Don't concern yourself with this any more my friend - your much better then that. These videos will convey much better than what I can.

 

 

(while this is not completely relevant, I found it hilarious)

 

Murek... Yep, hilarious and what's more crazy is that I watch the Hodgetwins all the time!!! (that other guy to sometimes) and was watching them as I checked this post by you... That's so ironic!

 

Thanks... Small world

[thespacey1]

Plus, venting "out loud" with this stuff just helps me realize how insecure he was/is, whatever... This is how I process... Slowly, but surely once I'm over a dude, I'm really over him. I'm halfway there, not completely but almost...

[Murek]

Elliot hulse and i do not always see eye to eye on absolutely everything but his philosophy on love/relationships/self improvement are increably spot on and i truly enjoy his thought process upon it - just thought you'd see everything from a better perspective from his rants.

 

There's a perspective that I was thinking about today.

 

"Change is one of the most difficult things that we face, but change is inevitable. One reason we don’t like change is we get comfortable where we are. We get used to our friends, our job, the place we live, and even if it’s not perfect we accept it because it’s familiar. What happens is because we’re not willing to change, we get stuck in what God used to do instead of moving forward into what God is about to do. Just because God’s blessed you where you are doesn’t mean you can just sit back and settle there. You have to stay open to what God is doing now. What worked five years ago may not work today. If you’re going to be successful you have to be willing to change. Every blessing is not supposed to be permanent. Every provision is not supposed to last forever. We should constantly evaluate our friendships. Who’s speaking into your life? Who are you depending on? Make sure they're not dragging you down, limiting you from blossoming. Everybody is not supposed to be in our life forever. If you don't get rid of the wrong friends you will never meet the right friends"

 

Mind you i'm not religious, but it still applys. I'm glad you're making major progress recently .

[thespacey1]

So this weekend I've been in a meditative state... Thinking about work and wellness and how to enjoy life as it is, while doing as much of the things I enjoy.

 

I'm really considering moving. Basically, moving forward successfully with my life right now is possible mainly of I stay focused on keeping a roof over my head,staying healthy and maintaining and relatively simple but enjoyable life. If I stay here I feel like any day I'm going to run into my ex and I'm not...NOT ready for that. I feel I need to start over with my job, my mental and physical health. I feel like that'll be more likely to happen if I move. Right now , my ex-fiance and the guy after him know where I live. My ex-F is known for not always driving his own vehicle when he wants to "observe" things... He once told me the trail he goes bike riding,because he said he couldn't believe he hadn't bumped into me since we'd been apart.

 

The other guy works right up the street from my place. I need a change of environment.

 

So while some of my sadness is still present, I'm trying to refocus that energy on other areas of my life. I've always stayed around no matter how my love life went, but this time I really want to just start over and get away from everything...

[thespacey1]

Another reason to make a big transition now is because my job assignment changes soon so perhaps now's the time to make a move,seriously...

 

There are just way too many memories around here, everywhere I look and everywhere I go...

[keiji]

Another reason to make a big transition now is because my job assignment changes soon so perhaps now's the time to make a move,seriously...

 

There are just way too many memories around here, everywhere I look and everywhere I go...

 

I think it's a good idea. After the breakup with ex wife, I spent almost two years in the same flat me and her co-owned. Bad idea, particularly considering that I worked from home at the time. I found myself a really nice flat in a 19th century building, the kind of place I always wanted (please, treat yourself like royalty), grabbed my records and my two cats and got the hell out of there. My mood got an instant boost. Now I try to avoid the areas where my ex-girlfriend usually hangs out. I think it's absolutely necessary even if your friends tell you that you're letting your daily life be conditioned by the breakup. Of course it is. So what?

[thespacey1]

I think it's a good idea. After the breakup with ex wife, I spent almost two years in the same flat me and her co-owned. Bad idea, particularly considering that I worked from home at the time. I found myself a really nice flat in a 19th century building, the kind of place I always wanted (please, treat yourself like royalty), grabbed my records and my two cats and got the hell out of there. My mood got an instant boost. Now I try to avoid the areas where my ex-girlfriend usually hangs out. I think it's absolutely necessary even if your friends tell you that you're letting your daily life be conditioned by the breakup. Of course it is. So what?

 

Thanks. I appreciate the feedback. You're exactly right, of course folks' livesare impacted greatly by breakups. Especially if the relationship was a nice chunk of one's life.

 

I'll tread carefully still though, because my lease isn't up until few months from now. So I'll have to figure since things out prior to actually putting my feet on the pavement.

 

But I will be looking for jobs and living spaces..a fresh start away from familiar surroundings is necessary. I like change anyway.

[thespacey1]

I've been thinking a bit about things and my real reason for being sad for so long about this breakup.

 

I think part of me really wanted him to fight more for us, even though I was the dumper... I just feel like he got so wrapped up in what other people would think of him, that he felt the need to maintain a macho vicade after our breakup. Why i feel this way: When we were together, I left for several days and went back to him after he asked me to come back. Out loud he fussed about how people are going to be thinking he's so stupid for "taking me back"... It was as if he was at war with himself and verbalized it out loud in frustration outside in our driveway, at night.... So I'm sure some people heard him.

 

We tried making things work. He'd check his temper so that it wouldn't get quite as bad, but there were other issues with him. So I already had the date set for when I planned to move (we lived together). I told him I'd started looking for a place and so then so did he. When I told him reasons why I wasnt motivated to stay with him, he got mad and started texting me a bunch of angry messages... I eventually texted him saying that his temper, substance use and hypocritical ways were a big turn off and I won't deal with it anymore. He texted something else after that, but I didn't even read it because I didn't care... It was what it was... Fast fwd., we had contact with each other after the breakup a few times. I never know how to take the bait when a man makes advances, especially if they're subtle. So pseudopods he was reaching out to me and I wasn't responsive enough...?

 

All these thoughts haunt me and combined with the fact that I don't even see his boat anymore near my family's house+ I find it so difficult to sleep these days, is taking a toll on me.

 

I'm getting therapy and soon more intensive therapy, but this breakup was definitely a trigger for my state of being this entire year.

 

Don't get me wrong,Ive been doing REALLY nice things for myself and going places,I take pride in my appearance to the point where it makes me late going places, but most days I chose to be alone and I'm getting tired of getting dressed and going anywhere unless it's late in the day or just somewhere along. I don't even care to date right now(even though I have been with other men). I still think of my ex... I wish the memories could be erased by way of hypnosis or something. I don't even drink but I'm thinking maybe this is a time for me to start...

 

Why does life have to be so daunting sometimes. I'm fighting hard to stay afloat and not fall apart completely, but at this point I'm feeling hopeless and like of I don't move soon I will go into serious hibernation from the rest of the world.

 

Please don't judge me... I'm venting. I'm typically a pretty strong woman, independent and have fought through so much in my life. I'm just a bit confused and sad right now and kind of tired of fighting just to stay sane...

 

Thnx for listening guys

[thespacey1]

At one point in our relationship he told me that me and his child were the main motivations and highlights in his life. It was a sweet thing to say, but also put lots of pressure on me. But I was up for that challenge at that time, so I thought.

 

Eventually though, I guess I wasn't and here I am. Not sure what to do with these thoughts. I wish there was a switch to turn off and erase the memories. He did nice things for my family as well. I hate to say it, but I feel like it was like insurance. To keep people from thinking he's ever be jealous, angry, mean, spiteful towards me. I felt like he's tried to "buy" people. I'm NFS so I'm almost certain that, that made him extremely angry toward me.

 

He couldn't control me. He even told me once that I was the smartest woman he'd ever been with. Not sure if I consider it a compliment or not, but it almost felt a bit facetious. I smiled and took it then but he think he knew it would not be a walk in the park with me always, because he couldn't user material things or a ring to control me.

 

I think that's another reason I'm venting so much. Sometimes I get confused about how I should've behaved in our relationship. Should I have been more agreeable, acted "clueless" or made him think he COULD buy me...? I know I can be pretty head strong,so I just wanna make sure I stay balanced. And if there was something I could've done differently I want to avoid those mistakes in the future. I know men attribute their success relationships largely to what they can provide and give their girlfriend or wife. This is why I often told him and tried to show him how much I appreciated him. I put in work in the relationship but he always claimed I didn't put as much effort as him... I think he just wanted to try keeping me on my toes. But little did he know,that pushed me away. He complained soooo much that it started to weigh me down. My spirit does feel lighter in that regard.

[thespacey1]

Guys, I'm feeling at my lowest today. I'm not even stable emotionally to work full time. If I didn't have a little money saved up I'd really be in seriously bad shape. Things are getting tight for me financially now and I feel as if I don't even have a plan, nor do I seem to feel any sense of urgency. And I keep thinking what is my purpose for still existing... I have no real responsibilities other than myself. Everybody else is going about their lives. I don't like burdening others(friend/family) with my pain because they don't REALLY understand. Over the last 4-5 years,I've kept to myself a lot. Even moreso for the past year.

 

Although my breakup triggered this depression, I tend to suffer without ever communicating things to my ex. So I'm not about to call or contact my ex about my feelings, so I'm dealing with those emotions plus other issues in my life that are being affected by my lack of interest and/or action. It makes me want to just give up on everything... Honestly. This is the first time I've ever talked this way.

 

All this is scaring me. After being outgoing, involved in so many life experiences, a role model, someone others admire... how does one get to this point...? Seriously, I'm a bit scared for myself.

[Buddhist]

Guys, I'm feeling at my lowest today.

I do understand this. It is where I have been also this past year.

 

Although my breakup triggered this depression, I tend to suffer without ever communicating things to my ex. So I'm not about to call or contact my ex about my feelings, so I'm dealing with those emotions plus other issues in my life that are being affected by my lack of interest and/or action. It makes me want to just give up on everything... Honestly. This is the first time I've ever talked this way.

 

There is a purpose to feeling this way even though you can't see it. I stumbled across this guy and his work and everything he said made total sense to me. I wonder if it will make sense to you as well?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kg7IlFDdDYA

 

All this is scaring me. After being outgoing, involved in so many life experiences, a role model, someone others admire... how does one get to this point...? Seriously, I'm a bit scared for myself.

 

It gets to this point because we have been walking through life blind. Our experience has stopped us in our tracks and given us this pause because there is something we need to do other than what we have done.

 

*hugs* You will not die but you will feel like you are. It's to bring you to place of understanding of you which may be a new experience or something experienced on a new level.

[thespacey1]

Thanks Buddhist. I'll definitely check out the video. Perhaps this situation is definitely a pivotal moment in my life. Not sure what's next for me, but I do know that I have since unresolved issues that I need to work on.

 

Otherwise, I'll continue to allow the wedding things, energy and people into my space and disturb what little peace I do have.

 

I'm definitely "in progress" and really want to get better. I just know that life won't stand still while I figure things out... I can't afford to just not work and take care of my mental self, but I feel like that's what I've needed to do for some time now. I do value my life, but it's difficult balancing the reality of my life right now.

[Buddhist]

I know. It was like I wanted to crawl into my bed for years, close the blinds and just exist in a little cocoon for eternity. Some days it's still like that. The sun still shines, the birds still sing and all I can think about is how lifeless I feel and irritated that the rest of the world moves on without me.

 

For myself, I divorced myself from my own feelings as a way to escape the pain I was in. I put a happy face on it, tried to focus on my next relationship and grimly went about life in a paralysed state. I had to be shaken out of that. I had to reconnect with my own emotions no matter how difficult they were. The shock of doing that turned me into a dysfunctional mess that could barely manage the basics. I ended up in a place where I asked myself......how did I get here? Why am I here?

 

I continued asking myself, why am I alive when all that wanted and dreamed about has passed me by? what is the point to existing any further? How can I find peace? Because peace or rather not existing was all that I wanted now. I didn't want to feel the years of pain waiting to rush back into my life. I didn't know it, but I was holding back an ocean of emotion and it hit me like a tsunami. All at once, with back breaking force and my body started freaking out. If I thought dealing with it at the time was scary, it was now a terror I had never imagined.

 

I do hold hope though that in time, if I can sit with it long enough, let it come and feel it, that one day there will be nothing left and I can just deal with the emotions of the day rather than the ones of the past.

[thespacey1]

Thanks Buddhist. I haven't checked the thread in a few days but can appreciate your words. I did watch part of the video, but it got long and my attention span had become shorter these days. However, I did take away from it what was said about the PROCESS. I firmly believe in there being a process that we Ali must go through in our journey.

 

In this journey of healing, there will be individuals who may not understand your process. This is what I'm struggling with currently. A few people in my life just can't seem to even have empathy or any understanding of how this deep feeling of loss has affected me. I feel almost paralyzed some days. And when certain individuals come to me with other pressures that I cannot deal with right now, I want to scream and tell them to just get the h*ll out of my way...

 

It's like they think I'm making up a lie about the intensity of my emotions or something. That, in and of itself is enough to push someone over the edge...

 

I'm still sad and just overwhelmed I think by internal and external expectations of me. When I set boundaries , some people act as if I've told them to go f*ck themselves. All this is dreadful and overwhelming for me.

 

Thanks for the link.

 

Hoping to heal~

[thespacey1]

Hello guys. Hoping you're all well. Just posting how things are now.

 

I'm much better that's for sure. Not completely healed but better. I still think of the ex from time to time and shed a few tears and deep breaths.. it's crazy...

 

Started dating again. A few ok guys but haven't met any keepers yet. I'm starting to realize some things inside me that may be attracting or keeping what I dont want.

 

So im getting some help with that. I don't want to be VERY single for a long period of time again. I do know that.