When does the sadness stop?

[thespacey1]

See.. dating right now is counter-productive you will be comparing everything to what you've had before - stop.

 

I did it, why do I not pursue girls after a date or so, they do not compare to the emotional connection I had with my previous girlfriend. To put it simple, their boring, can't handle a joke, stuck up and well quiet frankly I'm subconsciously not allowing myself to move on. My suggestion, don't date - don't look, don't consider anything right now until you're over it but you're most likely smarter than I and already know this.

 

Personally, do whatever you have to do to get over it. Get everything off your chest. If that's talking to your mom, me, love shack or gingerly telling your ex that he's a big ol' cock bag. See this is the beauty of it.. its up to you. As I mentioned earlier don't let this relationship define you, Most of all allow yourself to be loved once again. Nothings guaranteed in life however nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

Take what I said with a grain of salt, because I have a very open "c'est la vie" "fun-loving" type of lifestyle which leads to me to many bad decisions which I do not regret. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Hey thanks. Im taking things in that I can use. Other things I have to just let go over my head or out the window,more or less. I appreciate all the advice though, truth be told.

 

As a female though, I think it's important to be careful with some of our energy sometimes. I DO like being able to be soft,but I'm edgy as well and I've been told a few times over by men in my life that I can be cold ,very cold,that's mainly I think because I know how quickly some men can try to take advantage of that positive energy. My ex-fiance drained my positive energy. He told me he noticed that when we first met ,because I was and still am typically a peaceful and positive person so i try preserving that energy because it can be drained when certain people come around...may sound weird,but I believe it to be very true.

 

I'm also a free spirit. So when I feel like reaching out to someone I want to be able to do that. But if I'm clearly not on good terms with a guy I've dated then that's part of my emotions that I can't express,whether it's good or bad. I think some times female energy can be misconstrued. Sometimes I just want to communicate with a man ive been had a relationship with or want to communicate briefly to an ex,but it can easily be interpreted as wanting more..and I can understand that.. I don't feel like I need to reach out to my ex at all at this point. When we were together, once we were sleep I woke up horny as ever. I told him that he didn't even have to do anything just lay there because I was about to do the deed... Later he got offended by that and told me I took away meaning from our love making by telling him he could just "lay there". I think either I was being selfish or I had just started to disconnect myself from him.I don't know...

 

Nevertheless, We've both stàrted seeing other people... Although speaking for myself, like you Murek, I'm not giving anyone a fair chance. So it probably is definitely best that I don't consider anyone as a serious addition to my life right now.

 

I will definitely take my life slowly at this point. I'm simply not interested in putting forth any energy into anyone else right now. I already have a short attention span and little patience for nonsense. So now,after this breakup with my ex-fiance I REALLY have little patience for the slightest thing that annoys me with any other man.

 

...the goes another journey, though I feel like I'm half way through it ,maybe....only a 1/4...shucks.I don't know...

Edited March 2, 2016 by thespacey1

[thespacey1]

Sorry for any typos. Was rushing .

[muse08]

I agree with Murek... And you OP and anyone what who realizes that each of us grieves differently and that dating is not the cure for getting over a break up... It's just not...

 

The sadness stops when you've grieved long enough, sometimes a year... Longer depending on the nature of the relationship. Feel the sadness, remember the good and not so good and be good to yourself.

 

Know that, there will be light at the end of the tunnel. This journey of life though, is forever... Enjoy!

Edited March 3, 2016 by muse08

[Murek]

Nevertheless, We've both stàrted seeing other people... Although speaking for myself, like you Murek, I'm not giving anyone a fair chance. So it probably is definitely best that I don't consider anyone as a serious addition to my life right now.

 

I will definitely take my life slowly at this point. I'm simply not interested in putting forth any energy into anyone else right now. I already have a short attention span and little patience for nonsense. So now,after this breakup with my ex-fiance I REALLY have little patience for the slightest thing that annoys me with any other man.

 

...the goes another journey, though I feel like I'm half way through it ,maybe....only a 1/4...shucks.I don't know...

 

I'm glad you're taking my suggestion into consideration because it can truly effect others and well hurt yourself more so.

 

The ****ty thing with talking to an ex is there is always a reason as to why your doing it guilt, anger, wanting to get back etc. etc. And imagine how they think on the other end you're pretty spot on with that.

 

However with this being said, don't be scorned by this failed relationship. Its much easier to impose a "scorched earth" policy than dealing with the pain however you will end up taking forever to trust, give and receive love later on. Be open to what others are willing to give you because you will certainly be surprised. Let yourself fall head over heels again, let yourself get hurt because truly that's the process of finding someone who will give you absolutely everything. As i told my ex verbatim " Thank you for being in my life and sharing so many great memories together with me, I hope you find somebody who will treat you better than I did"

 

It is better to have loved, than to have never loved at all.

[thespacey1]

I'm glad you're taking my suggestion into consideration because it can truly effect others and well hurt yourself more so.

 

The ****ty thing with talking to an ex is there is always a reason as to why your doing it guilt, anger, wanting to get back etc. etc. And imagine how they think on the other end you're pretty spot on with that.

 

However with this being said, don't be scorned by this failed relationship. Its much easier to impose a "scorched earth" policy than dealing with the pain however you will end up taking forever to trust, give and receive love later on. Be open to what others are willing to give you because you will certainly be surprised. Let yourself fall head over heels again, let yourself get hurt because truly that's the process of finding someone who will give you absolutely everything. As i told my ex verbatim " Thank you for being in my life and sharing so many great memories together with me, I hope you find somebody who will treat you better than I did"

 

It is better to have loved, than to have never loved at all.

 

Thanks. More good advice. I like your statement that you told your ex. I too, thanked mine in pretty much the same way you did. I don't think he paid it much attention during that time though. He considered me leaving him an ultimate betrayal..never once did he say he understands or that he will miss me. I think that's one thing that keeps me feeling a bit sad and cold at the same time. I didn't understand why he couldn't just admit to being wrong about some of his behavior and apologize for any role he played. I have probably been more "remorseful" than him .

 

Im open to dating and I have dated indeed,since my breakup. I just don't put myself "out there" enough....that I'm sure of. And I haven't been excited not even ONCE when going out or connecting with either of the guys I've gone out with, post breakup. Is that normal? I want to be excited again about a man.

 

I suppose that will happen eventually. Meanwhile, I need to get my life back together to have stability and happiness. I've considered moving to another state or country even... Im not ready to run into him with someone else. I'm tired of going by places we've been together because it really brings back lots of memories.

Edited March 4, 2016 by thespacey1

[Murek]

The unfortunate thing is for people to admit that they have done wrong, or feel remorseful or have any guilt is hard to do to put it simple its hard to tell the truth. A huge reason why most dumpers will not give you a straight answer wither good intentions or not. Don't concern yourself with why they cannot admit they've done wrong, you've owned up to your mistakes and apologized that's all you can do.

 

I've done the same, my ex was incredibly cold towards me last time I talked to her - admitted she loved me, is still in love then how she doesn't miss me/ i didn't treat her well then told me I did. Thing is, after a breakup people are just mixed up. Has she admitted that she has done wrong, nope; does it matter, nope.

 

Do not let this breakup define you, do not move suddenly because of it either ( trust me I know the feeling ) The best thing you can do, is to do you.

 

all honesty, its normal to feel like this because you are still grieving your loss. Trust me when I say this, someone will come along who will give you exactly what you were missing. Time is everything my friend, be patient.

[thespacey1]

The unfortunate thing is for people to admit that they have done wrong, or feel remorseful or have any guilt is hard to do to put it simple its hard to tell the truth. A huge reason why most dumpers will not give you a straight answer wither good intentions or not. Don't concern yourself with why they cannot admit they've done wrong, you've owned up to your mistakes and apologized that's all you can do.

 

I've done the same, my ex was incredibly cold towards me last time I talked to her - admitted she loved me, is still in love then how she doesn't miss me/ i didn't treat her well then told me I did. Thing is, after a breakup people are just mixed up. Has she admitted that she has done wrong, nope; does it matter, nope.

 

Do not let this breakup define you, do not move suddenly because of it either ( trust me I know the feeling ) The best thing you can do, is to do you.

 

all honesty, its normal to feel like this because you are still grieving your loss. Trust me when I say this, someone will come along who will give you exactly what you were missing. Time is everything my friend, be patient.

 

You're right. And I actually never expected him to admit his faults. Yes I'm sure he was.hurt and he's never admitted to much. He'd be remorseful early on in our relationship when he'd done a few wierd things.

 

After a few months of him throwing temper tantrums and looking through my phone while I was sleep, he stopped admitting things and acknowledging his faults as much. That's one thing that started putting a.wedge between us I think,hence causing me to pack my things and leave him while we were engaged... (all of a sudden ,to hear him tell it).

 

Right now though I REALLY am mainly just trying to refocus my energy on me and allowing my life to be as full as possible and more stable, financially, emotionally and otherwise. As I've said before I'm much better than I was a few months ago but I still have a bit of healing to do.

Edited March 4, 2016 by thespacey1

[MajorOak]

I don't think it ever stops, it gets over taken with more important things like love and happiness again.

[thespacey1]

Good point majoroak.

 

I think that's probably why it's a slow process dating "seriously" for some of us, again. We're just not ready.. I'm just not ready. It will happen when it's supposed to happen. Of course I see plenty of attractive men, sometimes they flirt with me, some men just like to compliment women, so i get some of that from strangers too. I've gone out with a few guys after my breakup, but nothing gave me excitement honestly. I felt like I was forcing myself to just be "distracted"... I realize that's not cool. In some people's eyes, it is. I just try being mindful of the whole picture. So for now, I'm honestly not SEARCHING for anything...

 

I'll TRY to embrace things when they happen...

[thespacey1]

Almost every other day I find myself shaking my head in disbelief that my life took this turn. When I'm at work all I can do is take a deep breath. I try to be aware of where I am. One reason why a sad breakup affects so many parts of our lives.

 

In particular when you have a job that puts you out front every day,it's incredibly draining ... Suppressing intense emotions every day, is truly draining.

[Murek]

Truthfully, I don't believe you've truly come to terms with what occurred.

Which could be a huge reason why you are still feeling the way.

 

As my brother told me once "do not go out and search for love or you will settle for something less than what you deserve..You can't think of a failed relationship as a waste of your time either"

 

What this comes down to is patience; patience is of virtue right?

 

Time tells everything - and with time you meet new people while others go. As I said before, one day someone will come along and the definition of what love is will be clear to you but until then be open to heartbreak, be willing to be vulnerable for that is how you truly learn and grow as a person.

 

Do not let this breakup take a hold of you, do not let it define you.

[sorano]

amen to that murek!

[thespacey1]

Truthfully, I don't believe you've truly come to terms with what occurred.

Which could be a huge reason why you are still feeling the way.

 

As my brother told me once "do not go out and search for love or you will settle for something less than what you deserve..You can't think of a failed relationship as a waste of your time either"

 

What this comes down to is patience; patience is of virtue right?

 

Time tells everything - and with time you meet new people while others go. As I said before, one day someone will come along and the definition of what love is will be clear to you but until then be open to heartbreak, be willing to be vulnerable for that is how you truly learn and grow as a person.

 

Do not let this breakup take a hold of you, do not let it define you.

 

Thank you, I guess I haven't in some ways. I thought I had come to terms with it though.

 

I think maybe I've had a bit of a breakdown, honestly. Lots of stress during that time in my life and maybe i never grieved like i should have. Just that loss in my life,after being with him every single day caused me a bit of separation anxiety perhaps. Otherwise, How can i not come to terms with what occurred when it's been so long now? I realize we're not together obviously and will not get back together per my choice. I havent asked him to talk about use or tried to rekindle our relationship. I've gone out and been close with another man and everything and I wasn't searching. It was because I do like this other guy,but I'm not smitten or anything. I've known him a while. i guess youre right ...in time the thoughts should go away more and more. But I think this other guy I mentioned senses that there's something going on with my past that may be unresolved.

 

My thoughts drift back to the relationship, i think mainly because I chose to leave him and he never thought ANY woman would leave him... Hence, him being so shocked and mad with me,making him real standoffish ever since that time. Although, he has reached out to initiate contact a few times, we are clearly not together and I thought I'd accepted that. I haven't reached out to him in months now.it's just my thoughts...

 

Just to be clear,I'm better than I was about 6-7 months ago.... Much better. With the help of some therapy and rest. I'm just tired of thinking about the fact that we'd made plans to get married and he told me he rearranged his entire life around me and that he didn't understand how I could walk away from "us", because he can't stand being a day away from people he loves and cares about. That made me feel bad,but when I think about things like HIS TEMPER and his troubled past ...that's when I start waking up and remembering why it was necessary that I leave him.

 

He considered it the ultimate betrayal, I considered it simply, taking care of myself...(wow,I feel better already...)

Edited March 7, 2016 by thespacey1

[Murek]

He considered it the ultimate betrayal, I considered it simply, taking care of myself...(wow,I feel better already...)

 

The lovely thing about life is that it is never dull, there is always something happening good or bad which you can either take and grow/learn or let it pass by to live again.

 

I absolutely adore the last bit you added. Unfortunately, what you conveyed has hit close to home.

 

Let me share with you things that rear its ugly head even years after it has occurred.

 

My friends father has not been there for the majority of his life, eventually he got fed up and got very angry at his father for not being there etc. Essentially, he has not dealt with his emotions but rather sweep it under the rug until they made amends.

 

A good portion of people refuse to see or try to understand another persons reasons purely because it ****ing hurts. To realise that you, yourself have caused this person that you hold so.. close to up and leave and is incredibly hard thing to come to terms with.

 

I believe everybody has remorse for what they did, but what has happened is done and gone.

 

Maybe it is time for you to wipe the table clean, release your self from further inner turmoil.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what did you say when you broke up with him?(if you can remember)

[thespacey1]

The lovely thing about life is that it is never dull, there is always something happening good or bad which you can either take and grow/learn or let it pass by to live again.

 

I absolutely adore the last bit you added. Unfortunately, what you conveyed has hit close to home.

 

Let me share with you things that rear its ugly head even years after it has occurred.

 

My friends father has not been there for the majority of his life, eventually he got fed up and got very angry at his father for not being there etc. Essentially, he has not dealt with his emotions but rather sweep it under the rug until they made amends.

 

A good portion of people refuse to see or try to understand another persons reasons purely because it ****ing hurts. To realise that you, yourself have caused this person that you hold so.. close to up and leave and is incredibly hard thing to come to terms with.

 

I believe everybody has remorse for what they did, but what has happened is done and gone.

 

Maybe it is time for you to wipe the table clean, release your self from further inner turmoil.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what did you say when you broke up with him?(if you can remember)

 

Sure and I'll preface it with a short background of how i reached my breaking point. We were watching TV one evening. And we were cool at that point,but we'd had a heated conversation a few days before and his temper had been flarig for a while prior to that evening. His temper would flare if I did something to make his jealous, if I didn't do something the way he thought I should,if one of his relatives made him upset, if something happened with work,(which I feel caused some displaced anger),etc. His background made him suspicious of most women thinking hey were always trying to use him. A few times I knew for a fact he was upset about male attention I was getting,but he quickly tried causing some other issue to try and divert my attention. It became crazy and I would actually fall for at first until I started figuring out what he was doing. So I got fed up with not knowing what would set him off.

 

What I told him while watching tv(I'm sure I may not get verbatim, but this is pretty close): "X, I think we should move into different places"

 

he thought I meant both of us, so he said, "so where do you want us go"?

 

Me: " I'm speaking about separately "

 

(He looks at me in shock and a bit confused. "I'm confused, we were just enjoying our time, relaxed and all... What made you say that?". Additionally, I heard him talking to his buddy on the phone .His buddy thought I was packing to leave one day, but I was just packing to visit family 2/hrs away for the weekend. So my ex responds to his buddy saying, "/naaa man, what woman would want to leave me, ha ha ha.." Mind you ,we'd been going through rough times and his temper was a big issue. For him to say that made me feel like he was totally conceited and clueless about what type of woman I was! I would be that woman to leave....I'd never been yelled at by a man. Just because you love me or get jealous or stressed doesn't give u the right to yell or stomp off like a kid when things don't go your way...)

 

Me: " well, I've mentioned several times that your temper is something that makes me really uncomfortable. That in combination with part of your background that still affects you, makes me feel like things will never change." (He has a criminal past that I'd rather not discuss,but I'll say that I wouldn't suggest any peaceful woman be with a man like him. He was good at appearances to avoid certain perceptions).

 

I can't recall what was said the rest of the night,but I was still wearing my engagement ring and all. Next day,he texted me at work saying that what I said hurt him and he was confused.

So, here's a kicker. He gets his best buddy's girlfriend to call me at work and try to convince me to not leave my fiance...

[Satu]

The sadness stops when you stop 'sadding.'

 

Thoughts and feelings are behaviours, not something you can't change, like the weather.

 

When you finally decide that you've been through enough, you'll stop.

 

 

Take care.

 

PS: You've been through enough.

[thespacey1]

The lovely thing about life is that it is never dull, there is always something happening good or bad which you can either take and grow/learn or let it pass by to live again.

 

I absolutely adore the last bit you added. Unfortunately, what you conveyed has hit close to home.

 

Let me share with you things that rear its ugly head even years after it has occurred.

 

My friends father has not been there for the majority of his life, eventually he got fed up and got very angry at his father for not being there etc. Essentially, he has not dealt with his emotions but rather sweep it under the rug until they made amends.

By the way, Murek I'm sorry about your friend and his father. That's the type of emotion that needs to be dealt with and it can't be dealt with in one day, month, etc. It's a journey... Thanks for sharing that...

[Murek]

AHHH! makes much more sense, I apologize for diggin - I'm rather very curious by nature.

 

I truly believe it is time for you to release yourself hostage from this situation.

as kid ink as so.. eloquently put "i paid my dues, don't get it all confused - it's all on you."

 

Come to terms with everything, wipe the table clean. No matter who said what, did what it's done and over.

 

However... you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

 

p.s If theres more on your mind i'm more than happy to listen

[thespacey1]

AHHH! makes much more sense, I apologize for diggin - I'm rather very curious by nature.

 

I truly believe it is time for you to release yourself hostage from this situation.

as kid ink as so.. eloquently put "i paid my dues, don't get it all confused - it's all on you."

 

Come to terms with everything, wipe the table clean. No matter who said what, did what it's done and over.

 

However... you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

 

p.s If theres more on your mind i'm more than happy to listen

No problem, I'm naturally curious as well. There's always more to the stories that people post... Even now, there's more that I didn't post, but I'm honestly getting more careful about posting too many details. Thanks Murek.

 

When I started this thread I was feeling much worse. Now I have occasional thoughts, but I'm able to function better and I'm staying busier than I was before. So there's a bit of turmoil occasionally, but some of it comes from the fact that there's some ocd going on with me in general,not just about my past relationships. Anything that's not resolved ,I think about it excessively or when I should be sleep.

 

I'm getting therapy and learning a few things about myself and how both my parents have a history of depression and/or anxiety. So posting here does help me vent/release. This past relationship and other stress which happened around the same time, were all triggers for me. They happened very close together and impacted me pretty hard. I tried too hard to be too tough during that time which may be why it sounds like I'm totally in limbo. I'm not.... I don't plan to contact my ex and I know full well why. It may have taken all these posts to help me remind me of why I made my decision,but I know why. And I don't feel sorry for my ex, I really don't. I just think of him from time to time... If I meet someone who intrigued me tomorrow I would go with it,but for now I don't care to date just to say I went on a date.

 

Thanks for listening...

Edited March 8, 2016 by thespacey1

[thespacey1]

Hi all.

 

Was just thinking and listening to a song that spoke about it not being healthy always doing things just to please sombody else. Doing things to make YOU smile is key in relationships and life in general.

 

So of course I know that , we all do. But I think that's part of what made me so sad when reminiscing about this relationship. Being that we were going to get married, I was especially being more giving and trying to please him, whithout losing myself and things still didn't workout. That's what hurts. When you know that you've given a lot of yourself and things still don't work out. It hurts... It hurt.

 

I'm happy to say that I'm really feeling better getting that out because I've been trying to hold myself together for this year mainly to make other people not feel sorry for me and my job has me on front of people all day freak'n long.... It's hard putting on a FACE everyday, that's 360° different from how you actually feel. D@mn!

 

Today though, I can say that I'm feeling better than I felt over the past 2-3 weeks. Before that, is OK but still pretty depressed like deeply. Then, prior to that I was a beautiful HOT mess for almost a year, inside and almost out. So I can attest to healing being slow, but definite.

Edited March 13, 2016 by thespacey1

[surferchic]

That's good news OP. Keep the good energy going. Of course each day won't be perfect,but every bit of progress counts.

 

Keep posting!

[thespacey1]

Thanks. In my efforts to get better, I'm taking one day at a time.... Really. Some days are better than others.

 

Like today, I was reading someone's thread where a guy's ex-fiance left him for someone else. Not sure why, but it never really dawned on me that my ex-fiance probably had so many negative ideas going on in his head about me leaving him. I know it's not the solution to make all thoughts of him go away,but it's very cathartic for me to make lists and such,of reasons why he may be so mad about me leaving him(this can apply to anyone who's been left). Yes,of course it doesn't feel good to be left no matter what. But sometimes,I really am a bit naive and don't see things through other's eyes. (So here are my recent ah ha's) please don't judge me...

 

He may have thought...

 

- I left him to be with someone else;NOT TRUE one of my ex's who contacted me while I was with my fiancé.

-I was just tired of cooking for him(50%true mainly because of his ugly attitude when things didnt go his way, but I wouldn't leave JUST because of "cooking")

-I wasn't attracted to him anymore 50% TRUE/NOT TRUE... (he once asked me why I wasn't climaxing several times when we made love.I'm not sure why,I just know that the strain of our relationship made me lose interest in lots of things that concerned him)

-I was out to get him. NOT TRUE(he was always saying things like I'm just like everybody else or I don't know anything about loyalty...).

 

That's pretty much it. But it really hit me hard today that all this time ,he could've thought that I had crafty plans to be with some other man and I'd saved up money to make all these plans as soon as I broke up with my fiancé.

 

These are just some of the assumptions that people make when they get dumped. But my main reason was just because his temper was getting out of control and I started realizing he had a drinking or some other substance problem . we'd be places with his friends or family, and as we'd leave theyd ask him if he was sure he was ok to drive... I'd be thinking in the back of my mind, "what the hell are they talking about?" A huge argument would start if I dug deeper. I asked him was he ok(I'm thinking was he too tired or sleepy,then I realized there was alcohol there and maybe other stuff), he simply said yes and left it at that. But I eventually realized he had some kind(s) of substance abuse problem. In addition to that,there was his past and other stuff in the present. Too much to get into.

Edited March 14, 2016 by thespacey1

[surferchic]

Yep, it always helps to express all those emotions and thoughts. Especially, when you're not being judged.

[thespacey1]

Definitely@surferchic. There are definitely lots of similar threads in LS.

 

However, something wierd happened yesterda. I was reading a thread here in LS that sounded EXACTLY like my ex.... I mean the details of when we got together, when we broke up, when we moved in together, the typos he makes in his writing(and speech) reflecting his normal talking style, everything in this thread starter was eerie. The male poster was saying how he's couldn't moves on with successful relationships because in the back of his mind he knew what kinds of mistakes hex made with his ex.

 

So I was redirected to a page that read, "if I clicked on an actual link, please notify an administrator of your issue). So I did, but no response.

 

It's so strange...

[muse08]

The sadness stops when you've grieved enough and allowed yourself to focus more on getting better and being good to yourself.

 

Just because you're still thinking of an ex from time to time,doesn't mean you're not healing. You may think about an ex for the rest of your life,but try creating new memories while embracing some of the memories of your ex.

 

The "disappearing thread" really is wierd. Not sure about that one... When was theast time you had any contact with your ex? Does he even know about you being on this site?