When does the sadness stop?

[jesslindy]

For example, I am not mad at my ex for what she did, because I understand her and her conditions. If you shot her in the neck with truth syrum right now and asked her what she wants for her life, she would say the life that we had and were going to continue building. But in reality has no clue how to do it. And because of her borderline behavior, she cannot in any way, shape, or form let in any self reflection or any feelings that do not make her "feel good" inside. She will always run to what makes her "feel good" inside, and to the people who validate those feelings.

 

But I am not mad at her, because I understand it. I am only mad at the position it has left me in, my standing in the world(2 kids, with two failed marriages). I am also mad at myself because I am intelligent enough to see it and I let Love, ****ing love, blind me from my inevitable future.

 

Your ex obviously hasn't taken the time to understand himself, or you, so that's why in your attempts to communicate he lashes out, or acts like a child.

Keep doing this the right way, you will emerge better. Keep posting and messaging people you trust, and that understand the situation. If I were you I would find some therapy, it ALWAYS helps. ALWAYS.

 

Figure out what you did wrong in the relationship, try and understand whatever condition he has that doesn't allow him to reflect, so you can be a better partner going forward. For yourself mostly, and for someone else.

 

Read with comprehension, you can get a Harvard education for the price of a library card. Read, it helps.

Edited February 17, 2016 by jesslindy
paragraphs

[thespacey1]

For example, I am not mad at my ex for what she did, because I understand her and her conditions. If you shot her in the neck with truth syrum right now and asked her what she wants for her life, she would say the life that we had and were going to continue building. But in reality has no clue how to do it. And because of her borderline behavior, she cannot in any way, shape, or form let in any self reflection or any feelings that do not make her "feel good" inside. She will always run to what makes her "feel good" inside, and to the people who validate those feelings.

 

But I am not mad at her, because I understand it. I am only mad at the position it has left me in, my standing in the world(2 kids, with two failed marriages). I am also mad at myself because I am intelligent enough to see it and I let Love, ****ing love, blind me from my inevitable future.

 

Your ex obviously hasn't taken the time to understand himself, or you, so that's why in your attempts to communicate he lashes out, or acts like a child.

Keep doing this the right way, you will emerge better. Keep posting and messaging people you trust, and that understand the situation. If I were you I would find some therapy, it ALWAYS helps. ALWAYS.

 

Figure out what you did wrong in the relationship, try and understand whatever condition he has that doesn't allow him to reflect, so you can be a better partner going forward. For yourself mostly, and for someone else.

 

Read with comprehension, you can get a Harvard education for the price of a library card. Read, it helps.

 

Wow.... Thanks for sharing. I respect your understanding and your stance. She privacy misses you and regrets her actions. Whenever I disappoint a reasonable person I feel bad. So infidelity is true cause for regret... In a reasonable person, but as you say she's not very reasonable or SANE from the sounds of things. Bless her heart... And mind.

 

Thanks I will seek more therapy. I went a few times closer to my breakup time, but I've been so consumed with the rest of life that I've made therapy secondary, which is not good... And I know that...

 

I don't understand how life works. My missing him has subsided a bit but I still will always miss him... I know it. Why was he put in my life? Why was your ex put in your life to leave you and your kids in that situation. Why was my father neglectful of his responsibilities forcing my mom to divorce him.. But this is life. We learn from experiences but kids don't choose these situations and neither do adults. Perhaps it just teachers is to be more discerning in what we allow into our lives... It still sucks though...

Edited February 17, 2016 by thespacey1

[thespacey1]

If he's the kind of person that thinks, "hey I'm pretty awesome and someone out there will put up with me the way that I am." Then most likely he hasn't and doesn't want to understand his role in the breakdown of the relationship, and hence is probably still mad at you. Just a guess though.

And yes, he's that type of person...

 

Smh...

[jesslindy]

I don't understand how life works. My missing him has subsided a bit but I still will always miss him... I know it. Why was he put in my life? Why was your ex put in your life to leave you and your kids in that situation. Why was my father neglectful of his responsibilities forcing my mom to divorce him.. But this is life. We learn from experiences but kids don't choose these situations and neither do adults. Perhaps it just teachers is to be more discerning in what we allow into our lives... It still sucks though...

 

Noone on this earth understands life, but some of us are much better at it than others, hahaha.

 

I truly beleive that these unhealthy relationships we have are so we can learn for the final one. Learn who we are, learn what we want, and learn what kind of people we want to let into our hearts and minds. Some of us are lucky enough to figure this early, some of us aren't. But if you split with someone correctly, by using introspection, by reflecting, by understanding, and by learning, it is only those people who will be rewarded with a real realtionship in the end.

 

If you do things like my ex and just exist, lie, blame, and play the victim, it is those that will spend life hating themselves, and most likely will not die happy.

 

To me, I'd rather die happy, knowing I truly spent some time with another person that actually meant something.

 

If you are honest with yourself, and honest with everyone else, things usually fall into place.

[thespacey1]

Yeah, I feel like you're pretty much on point.

 

I'm reflecting more now, on my own actions. I'm pretty hot headed sometimes myself. So when u feel threatened, I go into defense mode. And if a man practically dares me to leave him, I will do just that.

 

I think that's what upset him most.

[thespacey1]

I wonder how many people are drama free in their relationships right now...

[thespacey1]

When I came to LS it as because I couldn't shake a girl I was with for 6 months.. not sure how long it took me to get over the breakup but like you I had lost a relative.. two actually in a year and a half, a loved pet dog, gone thru a divorce and I think I was just tired of losing things that I was close too.. even though the breakup was my idea I still didn't want to lose another thing in my life...

 

My advice to you is just start dealing with the grieving of the losses one by one, grieve the loss of your relative and then maybe you will grieve the loss of your relationship.

 

I would go to my relatives grave site and just have a talk.. maybe once a week and I did that for a few weeks and things started getting better...

 

I hope you feel better and you will get thru this, look for the things that make you happiest and work from there.

I still look at this list and appreciate it. I'm better than I was but struggling a bit. When I come here and read like posts I feel a bit better.

[muse08]

I wonder how many people are drama free in their relationships right now...

 

Not too many,I'm almost certain... Even if they're living on the moon.

[Murek]

I wonder how many people are drama free in their relationships right now...

 

Actually, my most recent relationship had literally zero drama, until after the break-up.

Communication was great(until I found out about her mental illness), never had a problem with anger.

Disagreements were civilized (arguments)

Unforunately, we were great friends, fantastic jokes - family loved me vice versa. Could pick on each other without hurt feelings I could go on.

 

Unfortunately, she has a history of depression/anxiety which she never told me, a massive amount of insecurities which I had helped her with.

 

Nay, I was not a perfect person - could have been more empathic, less of a jerk or spent a tad more time paying attention to her. The list could go on (even though I was told I was perfect). I've owned up to my mistakes and apologized and have also tried to fix them within the relationship.

All in all, I'm the dumpee and quiet frankly she broke up with me out of a rash knee jerk reaction and has continued to imply I should talk to her in a couple months.

 

Honestly, Inside I went nuts - outside I never once disrespected her, called her names or was mean to her after a breakup, I never begged or pleaded for her back because this was her decision and knowing that she is a submissive/passive girl She needs to be allowed to be strong. I did say we could work on this (obviously this didn't vibe with her) - I put my feelings aside and offered my hand in help if she needed it. I was distraught, crushed, hurt beyond imagine, self worth destroyed. Each day I couldn't stop thinking about the what if's etc. In general I was a complete mess. However before her I was a confident young man, knew where I was going with my life and whom I wanted in it. After a ****ing insane day, I cried hard in the shower and haven't looked back since. I decided that this is not who I am.

 

If they struggle to see your worth and what you bring to the table, its their loss.

 

From the bottom of my heart; The sadness only stops when you do not let it define you as a person.

[thespacey1]

Thanks Murek.

 

Sorry to hear about your experience, but glad to hear you had growth from it. I try to make sure I grow from any unfortunate experience I have. Hopefully, pain is not always a prerequisite for growth...

[jesslindy]

I'm not sure if pain is a pre-requisite for growth, but I know I have certainly done the most growing after heartbreak. I've never felt a pain so strong as heartbreak.

 

I also find this incredibly frustrating.

 

I'm not trying at all to be grandiose here, but I've figured out every part of my life except relationships. Career, parenting, friends, money, aquisitions, whatever. But I royally screw up all of my realtionships. Not always directly, but indirectly by choosing emotionally unavailable toddler girls.

 

This is it though, I can't make these mistakes again. I can't afford it. I want a family, but what I have to figure out is how to make the family I have now work. Maybe I have to scratch my idea of my perfect family, because of the dynamic I now have. And I would never have brought myself to figure these things out without this breakup, and the immense pain it has brought on me. No doubt about it.

[thespacey1]

I'm not sure if pain is a pre-requisite for growth, but I know I have certainly done the most growing after heartbreak. I've never felt a pain so strong as heartbreak.

 

I also find this incredibly frustrating.

 

I'm not trying at all to be grandiose here, but I've figured out every part of my life except relationships. Career, parenting, friends, money, aquisitions, whatever. But I royally screw up all of my realtionships. Not always directly, but indirectly by choosing emotionally unavailable toddler girls.

 

This is it though, I can't make these mistakes again. I can't afford it. I want a family, but what I have to figure out is how to make the family I have now work. Maybe I have to scratch my idea of my perfect family, because of the dynamic I now have. And I would never have brought myself to figure these things out without this breakup, and the immense pain it has brought on me. No doubt about it.

 

Will, recognizing that there's an issue with your selection process is key.

 

If you're impressed with the appearance of youth more than maturity, then expect to always have immature women/girls in your love life...

 

I can't help you with the rest. But I do know that sadness cannot live here with me forever,nor with you if you're facing it. You will get better. I used to only date a certain type of guy. I'm now allowing myself to be open to men who are a bit more mature and different. Don't get me wrong, I still like an attractive man on any day, I just feel like as I grow I realize how a man's character almost literally changes his appearance for the better or worst.

Edited February 28, 2016 by thespacey1

[Raina314]

I'm not sure if pain is a pre-requisite for growth, but I know I have certainly done the most growing after heartbreak. I've never felt a pain so strong as heartbreak.

 

I also find this incredibly frustrating.

 

I'm not trying at all to be grandiose here, but I've figured out every part of my life except relationships. Career, parenting, friends, money, aquisitions, whatever. But I royally screw up all of my realtionships. Not always directly, but indirectly by choosing emotionally unavailable toddler girls.

 

This is it though, I can't make these mistakes again. I can't afford it. I want a family, but what I have to figure out is how to make the family I have now work. Maybe I have to scratch my idea of my perfect family, because of the dynamic I now have. And I would never have brought myself to figure these things out without this breakup, and the immense pain it has brought on me. No doubt about it.

 

^This. And I hate it, cuz I feel like having 90% of my ducks in a row should be enough to help me be happy. But after getting dumped by my emotionally unavailable guy, it seems like that's all that matters. I have a good job, I'm getting approved for a mortgage, I'm in good shape, etc...but all I can think about is how depressed I am about losing my ex.

 

I really do wonder if the sadness will ever stop. Some days it just feels like there's no way out.

[thespacey1]

^This. And I hate it, cuz I feel like having 90% of my ducks in a row should be enough to help me be happy. But after getting dumped by my emotionally unavailable guy, it seems like that's all that matters. I have a good job, I'm getting approved for a mortgage, I'm in good shape, etc...but all I can think about is how depressed I am about losing my ex.

 

I really do wonder if the sadness will ever stop. Some days it just feels like there's no way out.

 

I'm sorry you're going through it...How long ago was your break up? I totally understand. We can have the rest of our lives in order but relationships I think are a big part of being human. When our relationships bring us pain,I know for me I feel like there's a cloud hovering over me.

 

Sad thing is that other people like family act like they REALLY don't understand how you can be this distraught over a relationship. It makes me feel embarrassed to share my pain. Hence me coming to love shack. And, furthermore it causes me to distance myself from people sometimes because " I don't like faking my happiness"... Faking it while at work is enough. But when I leave work and my mind drifts, I just need to be how I feel. Forget about the expectations that everybody has for me.

[jesslindy]

It is my personal opinion that most people cannot use introspection as a tool of life.

 

Most people think if you wake up every morning and tell yourself everything is going to be okay, it will be. While never taking a real deep look at why they make the decisons they make that ultimately cause their ****ty life.

 

I beleive that you can honestly say that you are in a club of a much smaller percentage of humans, especially Americans, that use their pain for introspection. Use this website for example. The numbers ate staggering. Millions of peole everyday go through this. A veritable handful of them repectively are on a website like this. There are more runners than stayers.

 

Being able to say you've joined this club will ensure your happiness, no matter what happens to you. It is my belief that more people just exist, and that is a choice.

 

You're doing great.

[Raina314]

I'm sorry you're going through it...How long ago was your break up? I totally understand. We can have the rest of our lives in order but relationships I think are a big part of being human. When our relationships bring us pain,I know for me I feel like there's a cloud hovering over me.

 

Sad thing is that other people like family act like they REALLY don't understand how you can be this distraught over a relationship. It makes me feel embarrassed to share my pain. Hence me coming to love shack. And, furthermore it causes me to distance myself from people sometimes because " I don't like faking my happiness"... Faking it while at work is enough. But when I leave work and my mind drifts, I just need to be how I feel. Forget about the expectations that everybody has for me.

 

My breakup was in late October, but it wasn't "final" until January (it was just a "break" at first).

 

And I have a similar problem. My family doesn't deliberately tell me I should be over it, but I feel like I should be. While they aren't mean, I would say that my friends and family are baffled that I'm still hung up on this, and I'm not big and faking it either. The worst part is there's just no logical explanation you can give for why you still feel this way. It just is.

 

It is my personal opinion that most people cannot use introspection as a tool of life.

 

Most people think if you wake up every morning and tell yourself everything is going to be okay, it will be. While never taking a real deep look at why they make the decisons they make that ultimately cause their ****ty life.

 

I beleive that you can honestly say that you are in a club of a much smaller percentage of humans, especially Americans, that use their pain for introspection. Use this website for example. The numbers ate staggering. Millions of peole everyday go through this. A veritable handful of them repectively are on a website like this. There are more runners than stayers.

 

Being able to say you've joined this club will ensure your happiness, no matter what happens to you. It is my belief that more people just exist, and that is a choice.

 

You're doing great.

 

Thanks. I've always been fairly introspective and it's helped me understand myself very well and get me through a lot. What's tough for me with this is that I feel like I made the best decision with the information I had at the time when I made the decision to start dating my ex. He didn't give me any signs that he would be emotionally unavailable or lose interest at the end. There was just literally no way for me to see it coming, and that's part of what's so scarring. It's scary that no matter how smart you are about your choices, there's always a chance things won't work out and I have a hard time accepting that.

[jesslindy]

It is also my opinion that people who are emotionally unavailable, are very good at being "great" in the beginning. They are "happier" because of the excitement and the newness of a realtionship, they are very good at hiding the fact they are unavailable.

[thespacey1]

I was ok when I got up this morning. I ran a few errands but started thinking about all the things we used to do together and I became overwhelmed with dread and sadness. I'm able to head back in the house and cry for a bit...

 

I'll be fine after that, for today. One day at a time...

[thespacey1]

My breakup was in late October, but itJesslindyn't "final" until January (it was just a "break" at first).

 

And I have a similar problem. My family doesn't deliberately tell me I should be over it, but I feel like I should be. While they aren't mean, I would say that my friends and family are baffled that I'm still hung up on this, and I'm not big and faking it either. The worst part is there's just no logical explanation you can give for why you still feel this way. It just is.

 

 

 

Thanks. I've always been fairly introspective and it's helped me understand myself very well and get me through a lot. What's tough for me with this is that I feel like I made the best decision with the information I had at the time when I made the decision to start dating my ex. He didn't give me any signs that he would be emotionally unavailable or lose interest at the end. There was just literally no way for me to see it coming, and that's part of what's so scarring. It's scary that no matter how smart you are about your choices, there's always a chance things won't work out and I have a hard time accepting that.

 

Yep, this is the part of relationships that causes hurt and pain. We never know these things until a red flag appears of things start getting unbearable.

 

I think people in general hide parts of themselves in relationships,but certain things trigger the real "them". Then they start getting laxed and boom. Its all exposed. So i think we all withhold parts of our hearts to a certain extent. Jesslindy said it well though... Some people are good at " faking it".

Edited February 28, 2016 by thespacey1

[jesslindy]

It is also my opinion that people who are emotionally unavailable, are very good at being "great" in the beginning. They are "happier" because of the excitement and the newness of a realtionship, they are very good at hiding the fact they are unavailable.

[thespacey1]

It is also my opinion that people who are emotionally unavailable, are very good at being "great" in the beginning. They are "happier" because of the excitement and the newness of a realtionship, they are very good at hiding the fact they are unavailable.

 

Thank jesslindy. Sorry, I meant to quote you earlier. Yes,this is what I was referring to.

 

Thanks

[Murek]

Honestly I don't believe pain is a pre-req' for growth more so just a catalyst.

Now yet again, personally i like to wallow in the situational sadness for awhile and reflect on it. A huge reasoning as to why I may be doing so well (for now) is the fact that I take a lot of time for self reflection and in time I change.

 

Then again, I also embrace sorrow/pain/depression or whatever it may be.

aka don't run from it, face it - learn from it ( I'm a tad quirky like that )

[thespacey1]

Honestly I don't believe pain is a pre-req' for growth more so just a catalyst.

Now yet again, personally i like to wallow in the situational sadness for awhile and reflect on it. A huge reasoning as to why I may be doing so well (for now) is the fact that I take a lot of time for self reflection and in time I change.

 

Then again, I also embrace sorrow/pain/depression or whatever it may be.

aka don't run from it, face it - learn from it ( I'm a tad quirky like that )

I love your post. I'm the same way, but I kick and scream (not literally) through it. To help myself process things, I need to vent and get feedback for parts of my thinking.

 

This breakup I'm speaking about in this thread was the most serious relationship I'd even been in, in my life. And although I thought I wanted to marry this man as I process more of my emotions and thoughts, I remember why I decided to leave him. I simply could not tolerate him having certain expectations of me that he didn't even have for himself.

 

This mess still hurts though... I despise people making comments that make me feel like I should be "over" my emotions by now. Truth is, I'm not over them. I've even dated since the breakup and had to stop because I felt I was being unfair to them. I'm looking forward to complete healing...

[muse08]

Sounds like you're healing ,slowly but surely OP. I think that's what you should aim for.

 

I feel like the slower the healing,the more permanent it'll be. It sucks sometimes,but hey...

Have you two been in contact?

[Murek]

See.. dating right now is counter-productive you will be comparing everything to what you've had before - stop.

 

I did it, why do I not pursue girls after a date or so, they do not compare to the emotional connection I had with my previous girlfriend. To put it simple, their boring, can't handle a joke, stuck up and well quiet frankly I'm subconsciously not allowing myself to move on. My suggestion, don't date - don't look, don't consider anything right now until you're over it but you're most likely smarter than I and already know this.

 

Personally, do whatever you have to do to get over it. Get everything off your chest. If that's talking to your mom, me, love shack or gingerly telling your ex that he's a big ol' cock bag. See this is the beauty of it.. its up to you. As I mentioned earlier don't let this relationship define you, Most of all allow yourself to be loved once again. Nothings guaranteed in life however nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

Take what I said with a grain of salt, because I have a very open "c'est la vie" "fun-loving" type of lifestyle which leads to me to many bad decisions which I do not regret. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.