Affair and mental issues

[cocorico]

OP, you say you both want "closure". I'm guessing from what else you've said that you understand this to mean (1) understanding the source of her "unhappiness", and (2) some resolution to that, either together as a (monogamous) couple, or apart. Is this correct?

 

Unlike others, I'm not going to yell "dump her!" at you, as I understand why you are going about it this way. I will also not insist that she cannot "heal" while she is self-medicating with the OM. However, I would caution you to think of longer term outcomes. If everything works out - in therapy, she learns the source of her unhappiness, works at it, becomes monogamous once more... are you sure that that will give you "closure"? Has this (ongoing) infidelity not perhaps spawned another dynamic in your R that may itself, in time, lead to another "unhappiness" (hers, or yours) that will then in turn need addressing?

 

I ask because I've had friends go through something not dissimilar. The H was "troubled", the W understanding and supportive, helping him through his issues as he fought his demons and settled down once more into the man she loved. But years later the W started to feel restless and unhappy, and during her own IC came to recognise long denied and deeply suppressed resentment she'd built up during the period of being so understanding and supportive, keeping the family running and the kids happy, etc. Her H couldn't understand why she was unhappy now that everything was perfect, and felt she should work harder in IC and "get over it" quicker. Ultimately, they split up. He is now a simmering ball of resentment, and she's not the happiest person either.

 

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

[Mamba]

Apologies if I'm stating something that has already been said, but I haven't read the majority of the bollocks written, as it's Christmas and time is precious. But just a thought, has your wife always been a bit of a free bird? And did you get married for genuine 'in-love' reasons or more for legal protection, particularly with the kids? This is what amazes me about a lot of LS posters, huge newsflash folks...not everyone marries for the so-called traditional ideology beliefs. Unfortunately, marriage has been given too much power by society, and if you're not in it...you're not protected (from splitting up of assets, rights over kids and power of attorney etc.) Sorry, I digress!

 

The loose wire (or however you described it) could just be that she has a free-ish spirit and she's naturally unhappy being 100% rooted with societies idea of normality. I guess if that's the case, either accept the open relationship (she might be wildly jealous if you start seeing someone) or carry on with the therapy in the hope she changes...Or leave. Also I don't see it as an affair seeing as it's out in the open and you know about it. Some of the male posters on here remind me of a bunch of hairy gorillas banging their chest violently!

 

Thank god a girl gets more choices than just gorillas!!

 

Merry Christmas to one and all.

[Mr. Lucky]

Unlike others, I'm not going to yell "dump her!" at you, as I understand why you are going about it this way. I will also not insist that she cannot "heal" while she is self-medicating with the OM.

 

How would anyone, the OP included, know whether his wife's illness is the cause of her infidelity? It's an unfortunate truth that plenty of married folks "self-medicate" with an AP.

 

I'm not sure why he's being advised to handle his situation differently than any other BS. His wife seems to have decided her relationship with her OM is more important than her marriage. While he shouldn't unceremoniously "dump" her, he should make the same demands and take the same steps any other BS would take. Giving her a pass to continue to cheat under any guise isn't going to address his concerns about their relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited December 24, 2015 by Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Also I don't see it as an affair seeing as it's out in the open and you know about it.

 

Since it's being done without the OP's consent and was implemented without his knowledge, how would you describe it ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[66Charger]

 

Some of the male posters on here remind me of a bunch of hairy gorillas banging their chest violently!

 

Thank god a girl gets more choices than just gorillas!!

 

Merry Christmas to one and all.

 

You should really keep your misandry to yourself. Thank god men have more choices than idiots.

[Whoknew30]

She doesn't love you because she is having an affair. Also come on now. She is banging another dude! Mental illness is not an excuse for this kind of behavior.

 

Divorce is the only option that lets the OP keep his dignity. She knows he knows and she continues to do it. Yep, she is mentally ill, but then to me all cheaters are a bit mentally ill. They cheat on people and then come and say "oh but I love them". There has to be some sort of emotional problems for a person to think that way.

 

If you are cheating on your significant other for any reason that is some kind of mental issue. Doesn't mean I am saying it always equates to a serious mental illness, but normal people who are emotionally healthy do not betray and destroy people they love.

 

 

Unless one is a PH.D. & know about mental illness, then is one qualified to say what his wife's particular mental illness entails?

 

A simple google search alone says bipolar can cause sexual promiscuity. The only person that would know in her case, would be her Dr.

[Whoknew30]

How would anyone, the OP included, know whether his wife's illness is the cause of her infidelity? It's an unfortunate truth that plenty of married folks "self-medicate" with an AP.

 

I'm not sure why he's being advised to handle his situation differently than any other BS. His wife seems to have decided her relationship with her OM is more important than her marriage. While he shouldn't unceremoniously "dump" her, he should make the same demands and take the same steps any other BS would take. Giving her a pass to continue to cheat under any guise isn't going to address his concerns about their relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I just posted on this. Sometimes OP doesn't know what's going on within them bc that's mental illness. The only person that can help them understand that part more is a doctor. No one on here can give that answer bc no one on here is her dr.

[Spectre]

Unless one is a PH.D. & know about mental illness, then is one qualified to say what his wife's particular mental illness entails?

 

A simple google search alone says bipolar can cause sexual promiscuity. The only person that would know in her case, would be her Dr.

 

But like I said then: anyone cheating should be classified as a bit mentally ill then, period. You don't destroy and betray someone else if you are mentally healthy.

 

So..now what? It still doesn't absolve cheating, it still doesn't say "forgive them because it is not their fault".

[drifter777]

He's not disgusting. He wants advice how to handle this without everyone screaming divorce. With the mental illness part, it's a bit different than a lot of stories you read on here. He's lost.

I did not say OP is disgusting, I said his story is disgusting. I stand by that.

 

Mental illness? BH's fall back on that all the time. They don't want to believe their wife, their soul-mate has snuck around and had sex with other guy(s) just for the fun and excitement of it. They want to believe that she's just going through a mental illness or a mid-life crisis or some other excuse. Bottom line is that we are all nuts in some way or another. If she chooses to not get treatment for her mental problems than just how bad can they be? She functions just fine in all other aspects of life - but she can't go a week without sex with this OM. Poor thing.

 

I don't buy one ounce of her mental illness crap. It's just a variation of them same narcissistic, entitled attitude we see in cheaters every day.

[Spectre]

For me it is simple: you forfeit any kind of emotional support once you cheat. OP are you a shrink? If not you aren't qualified to help anyways. If you are it wouldn't be wise for you to be treating your spouse.

 

So let the cheaters sort out their own issues, you are not obligated to stick around and suffer just so they can heal after they have betrayed and hurt you. There comes a time where your own emotional well being takes precedence. That time is definitely here when your wife is having an affair, especially when she KNOWS YOU KNOW!!!

 

Then someone else is here and going on about free spirits and all that. Well hell is it mental illness or is she just some super special snowflake who just doesn't conform to the normal ideas of marriage? Just a free spirit who will never be free unless she's sleeping with strangers who aren't her husband. I'd say it's time to set that free spirit free.

[Mr. Lucky]

A simple google search alone says bipolar can cause sexual promiscuity. The only person that would know in her case, would be her Dr.

 

Infidelity has very little to do with sexual promiscuity. Most often the needs a WS is looking to meet are non-sexual.

 

The only person that can help them understand that part more is a doctor. No one on here can give that answer bc no one on here is her dr.

 

Agree with this. Which makes it equally irresponsible to justify her behavior on that same count...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

I want to explore every possible path before making the final decision. Is it wrong, probably. But the way my mind works it makes perfect sense. Once every avenue has been explored then we can make a decision for the future.

I'd be worried that the toll this is taking on you, the weight of it, has long-term ramifications for your own mental health. It's admirable that you want to take the weight here for your family. But I'd be worried that your kids end up with two parents fighting demons instead of just one. I hope you know where that edge is.

In fact, I'd say "the way [your] mind works" is part of the problem. None of your reaction is natural to me. In my view, being unnatural in order to help someone with mental issues is the worst possible message your actions could convey. You are presenting an unnatural reaction, a false reality and a totally contrived consequence to someone whose perception of reality, capacity for empathy and understanding of normal consequences are already intrinsically skewed. How does it help her - or you?

 

Not only that, you have taken up her convoluted thinking and enabled it. Her 'happiness' was incomplete, so she fixed it with a part-time affair with a schedule. You even seem to buy into the explanation. But you aren't showing her the natural, normal thinking of a betrayed spouse. How does that help her - or you?

 

You have indicated that she functions effectively in the world and understands that her actions are wrong. Isn't she, therefore, capable of understanding your reaction as a betrayed spouse? Can't she hear you and see your pain? Well, maybe the answer to that is that she can't feel your pain as well because of the BPD. Yet you deny her the possibility of growth by seeing your normal, human reactions to betrayal. How does that help her - or you?

 

It certainly is harmful for you, your sense of personal justice, self-respect and dignity and your own emotional evolution and maturity. To me, your role here comes across as the restrained, disciplined behavior of a parent dealing with an emotionally disturbed child. You act as if, being the responsible adult means you cannot deal with your own needs and suffering. You seem so used to it, you don't even acknowledge what you feel. It's being put on hold indefinitely while you "explore every possible path before making the final decision." I don't think this unnaturalness is responsible or helpful for either of your sakes.

 

How does it help anyone NOT to see and feel normal consequences for their actions? It's even more important for a child or a mentally handicapped adult. It's different, perhaps, but not eliminated or controlled to such an extent. It is not the role of the parent or adult caregiver to shield the child from the consequences, but to address confusion, support understanding and guide response to the consequences.

 

You continue with that "we" are making these decisions how to proceed for the future, but she's already damaged that concept of "we" as a partnership. A partnership - 'we' - means you ask each other before taking big steps that will affect the other. By breaking the partnership, she started acting solo. And your response was to ignore the significance of her action and pretend that you're still a unit with a future.

 

I think she needs help experiencing the natural, normal consequences of her actions - not contrived ones that remove her accountability and suffering. She will, if allowed, suffer for what she did; it's necessary. It's not your job to save her from that. In her case, the MH care provider can help her and help you explain what you're feeling and what you must do about it. No need for secrets or enabling behavior, just honesty for EVERYONE and reactions in safe settings.

 

In my opinion, neither God, nor the counselor, nor your wife gave you this false responsibility of denying your own emotions over hers, giving her emotional and mental issues more importance and respect than your own, in short, making you a false saint. I think it's phony and helps no one, least of all her, and will mess you up royally if it hasn't already.

 

Okay, I'll stop editing now.

Edited December 24, 2015 by merrmeade

[Spectre]

I wish I could like the above post A BILLION TIMES. It needs to be posted in every thread where mental illness is given as a reason someone cheated.

 

You hit the nail on the head, it doesn't help anyone to not experience normal consequences for behavior. She knew enough to keep the affair secret at one point, so she didn't have such a lapse in reality that she thought this was okay.

 

Also no offense to the OP but the OP..has said he thinks this person loves him. That to me is a sign of being mentally unhealthy..to think this is how a person treats someone they love. So I just can't help wondering out loud where the true mental illness lies? I mean again your wife knows you know and doesn't care and here you are saying "she loves me" as if it is a fact.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Spectre

[salparadise]

So I just can't help wondering out loud where the true mental illness lies?

 

 

Exactly. I think OP has such low self esteem and feeling of unworthiness that he's willing to just be a doormat and let the wife and other man wipe their sh*t covered boots all over him... and then he rationalizes it as being for the greater good or some nonsense. He doesn't have a strong enough sense of self to kick her cheating, lying ass to the curb. Instead he resorts to the twisted logic that if he plays the role of willing cuckold and let's her indulge her twisted mind under the guise of being slightly abnormal, then she will be so appreciative that she will love and cherish and respect him forever.

 

OP, you need a wakeup call.

[Spectre]

Yep and I know what I say next some will not agree with but: any man who forgives his wife for screwing another man is a doormat. Every woman who forgives her husband for screwing another woman is a doormat. There's just no sane reason to do it. You love them? Coolness, but maybe love yourself a bit more. Don't think you will ever find anyone else? Meh, being alone is better then being a doormat and a blowup doll or a hooker will have more respect for you then a cheating spouse.

Edited December 25, 2015 by Spectre

[oldshirt]

In fact, I'd say "the way [your] mind works" is part of the problem. None of your reaction is natural to me. In my view, being unnatural in order to help someone with mental issues is the worst possible message your actions could convey. You are presenting an unnatural reaction, a false reality and a totally contrived consequence to someone whose perception of reality, capacity for empathy and understanding of normal consequences are already intrinsically skewed. How does it help her - or you?

 

Not only that, you have taken up her convoluted thinking and enabled it. Her 'happiness' was incomplete, so she fixed it with a part-time affair with a schedule. You even seem to buy into the explanation. But you aren't showing her the natural, normal thinking of a betrayed spouse. How does that help her - or you?

 

You have indicated that she functions effectively in the world and understands that her actions are wrong. Isn't she, therefore, capable of understanding your reaction as a betrayed spouse? Can't she hear you and see your pain? Well, maybe the answer to that is that she can't feel your pain as well because of the BPD. Yet you deny her the possibility of growth by seeing your normal, human reactions to betrayal. How does that help her - or you?

 

It certainly is harmful for you, your sense of personal justice, self-respect and dignity and your own emotional evolution and maturity. To me, your role here comes across as the restrained, disciplined behavior of a parent dealing with an emotionally disturbed child. You act as if, being the responsible adult means you cannot deal with your own needs and suffering. You seem so used to it, you don't even acknowledge what you feel. It's being put on hold indefinitely while you "explore every possible path before making the final decision." I don't think this unnaturalness is responsible or helpful for either of your sakes.

 

How does it help anyone NOT to see and feel normal consequences for their actions? It's even more important for a child or a mentally handicapped adult. It's different, perhaps, but not eliminated or controlled to such an extent. It is not the role of the parent or adult caregiver to shield the child from the consequences, but to address confusion, support understanding and guide response to the consequences.

 

You continue with that "we" are making these decisions how to proceed for the future, but she's already damaged that concept of "we" as a partnership. A partnership - 'we' - means you ask each other before taking big steps that will affect the other. By breaking the partnership, she started acting solo. And your response was to ignore the significance of her action and pretend that you're still a unit with a future.

 

I think she needs help experiencing the natural, normal consequences of her actions - not contrived ones that remove her accountability and suffering. She will, if allowed, suffer for what she did; it's necessary. It's not your job to save her from that. In her case, the MH care provider can help her and help you explain what you're feeling and what you must do about it. No need for secrets or enabling behavior, just honesty for EVERYONE and reactions in safe settings.

 

In my opinion, neither God, nor the counselor, nor your wife gave you this false responsibility of denying your own emotions over hers, giving her emotional and mental issues more importance and respect than your own, in short, making you a false saint. I think it's phony and helps no one, least of all her, and will mess you up royally if it hasn't already.

 

Okay, I'll stop editing now.

 

 

 

Quoting this so you read it again and hope it sets in.

 

 

Her nuttiness is making you nutty and skewy your sense of reality and making you off-kilter.

 

 

A normal, healthy person's reaction to infidelity is extreme hurt, anger, rage, loss of love and affection for that person, loss of trust and respect, repulsion etc etc.

 

 

You are enabling it and accommodating it and supporting it.

 

 

In order to accept and support it, that means that you are off-kilter too and your sense of reality has been warped.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yep and I know what I say next some will not agree with but: any man who forgives his wife for screwing another man is a doormat. Every woman who forgives her husband for screwing another woman is a doormat. There's just no sane reason to do it. You love them? Coolness, but maybe love yourself a bit more. Don't think you will ever find anyone else? Meh, being alone is better then being a doormat and a blowup doll or a hooker will have more respect for you then a cheating spouse.

 

you are entitled to have that opinion...and i even respect that that is your opinion. However...your opinion is not my opinion.... This is the way you feel...and you have every right to express it.

 

Now i will tell you why i disagree with you....and i wont ask you to agree with my opinion.

 

Marriage is hard work whether affected by infidelity or not....and infidelity certainly complicates things...and leaves it's mark. But that mark will remain on the couple regardless of divorce or reconciliation. Just because you divorce a cheater...doesn't mean you don't forever carry the scar of the infidelity. You still have to deal with it. For some...the only answer is divorce...and that is absolutely the best thing for them. But for others ....reconciliation is the right answer. I have 43 years invested in a man i love and adore and want to spend the rest of my life with. I cheated...then he cheated....but we both decided that staying together was what we both wanted. I assure you...neither of us is a doormat. We are a mature couple who has grown together in so many wonderful ways. We have a beautiful family and a wonderful life.

 

The only regret i have in life...is that i cheated in the first place.

[oldshirt]

Yep and I know what I say next some will not agree with but: any man who forgives his wife for screwing another man is a doormat. Every woman who forgives her husband for screwing another woman is a doormat. There's just no sane reason to do it. You love them? Coolness, but maybe love yourself a bit more. Don't think you will ever find anyone else? Meh, being alone is better then being a doormat and a blowup doll or a hooker will have more respect for you then a cheating spouse.

 

 

 

I am not sure that foregiveness and doormattedness are necessarily related or that one leads to the other. I think they can be completely independent of each other.

 

 

to me the definition of a doormat in this context is someone who is being harmed by their WS's infidelity but doesn't do anything to either stop the infidelity or remove themself from the situation. Allowing yourself to continue to be harmed, humiliated, disrespected, exposed to disease, denied your partner's love and affection etc etc etc is clearly doormat.

 

 

Foregiveness may not have a thing to do with that. I don't see anything that indicates the OP in this situation foregives her. He is simply allowing it to happen, allowing it to continue to hurt him and finding excuses in his mind to support and accommodate her to keep screwing her BF.

 

 

That is clearly weakness and doormatness. Has nothing to do with forgiveness.

 

 

Conversely, someone else may have discovered the A, smacked it down, drew a line in the sand and enforced their boundaries, worked through the issues and drew up a new contract and worked through the process, evaluated all options, decided that reconciliation was the better long term option based on all the circumstances and in time forgave the transgression and moved forward towards the new reality.

 

 

That isn't being a doormat.

 

 

forgiveness means that you reach a point you aren't going to dwell on it or put any more time and energy into it any more and are going to move on. That can occur whether the decision is made to reconcile or divorce.

 

 

People can divorce and still not forgive and can still be doormat.

 

 

And as Mrs John Adams pointed out, even if there is a divorce, you still have to work through most of the same stuff anyway. divorce doesn't make everything go away and be all sunshine and butterflies either.

 

 

Forgiveness may very well mean you've delt with it, did what you needed to do, can't really do anymore about it and have decided to put it behind you and move forward with everything else in your life. That has nothing to do with being a doormat and if done right means that you've taken charge of doing what you need to do for your own self. That is the opposite of being a doormat.

[Mr Blunt]

By Srife27

Closure no matter what the outcome is what we both want. The issues themselves need to be identified.

You have identified the issues in your posts below:

 

 

By Srife27

What is he offering that I am not. And it all comes back to its new, exciting, stress free away from home life.

She is well aware of my disdain for it and is fully accepting of the day I tell her to pack her **** and get out. She owns the fact that its wrong and selfish.

Based on your statements above she seems to be very capable of rational thinking.

 

 

You keep talking about mental issues such as manic and bi-polar. According to Mayo Clinic this issue of mood swings can be controlled by proper medications. She has been to a professional so the mental issue should be much better, right?

 

 

If she had these mental issues in her life how was she able to be faithful to you for SEVEN YEARS? She may have these mood issues but they can be controlled.

 

 

I'm waiting to see when the therapist comes out and says "if you want to fix this choose a side of the fence." Only because I feel she needs that to come from an outside professional.

Can you wait and hope that someday the professional will say that? You yourself said that you are

“…very close to your breaking point” and “I cannot even achieve an erection or self-satisfy. Sexual activity is the furthest thing from my mind”

 

IMO you are rationalizing because you do not want to face the pain of making her angry by making her choose between you and her “…new, exciting, stress free away from home life” adventures. I can understand that you are under a lot of pressure but not making a decision is really making a decision that will affect the situation.

 

 

 

She obviously has not made the decision to stop her destruction of the family so if you want to help her; could you stepping up to the plate with a strong decision help her?

 

 

The bottom line is that you are going to have to choose between your breaking point and to stop the abuse that she is doing to you and the children. Yes it will come down to the lesser of the hurts but if you go down then what chance do the children have?

 

You must improve yourself so that the future will be positive rather than the continued downhill spiral that is occuring now.

[SolG]

She is owning her actions and I'm not excusing it or accepting it but I'm looking for advice on how to handle and discuss her mental issues in a constructive manner in between therapy sessions.

 

OP I'll to stick narrowly to what you have asked for advice on. But straight up, 90 per cent of marriages with a bipolar sufferer end in divorce. It's a tough road you have chosen.

 

Hypersexuality--including inappropriate sexual behaviour and/or relationships--is a common symptom of bipolar mania and hypomania. Infidelity is common. However, this doesn't make it acceptable or excusable or hurt any less to a spouse to whom monogamy is important.

 

Erratic spending is also a common symptom. Ask yourself if this were your W's behaviour and she spent your life's savings plus more; would you just say here honey have another credit card? It sounds to me as if your W maybe doesn't get that her infidelity is just as destructive as this would be. And she somehow needs to.

 

IMO the best people to engage with would be her medical team--I'm assuming a psychiatrist and psychologist at a minimum--if you're not already. There is research to indicate that including SOs in bipolar management leads to better success rates.

 

And it's her practitioners that are best placed to guide you both through discovering whether or not this A is a manifestation of bipolar induced hypersexuality, or purely a personality issue and choice. If it is the former, it can be managed by managing the illness as part of the overall strategy. Regardless, she has the choice to manage the behaviour. The means exist (meds, diet, exercise, DBT, etc). But she needs to commit.

 

As you have intimated you will do, you do need to hold her to account. Her illness presents context and challenge--maybe even means there will be the constant threat of recurrence in the event of relapse--but not an excuse.

 

I'd also recommend you head to some bipolar support boards. You'll find lots of spouses with stories similar to yours. Here is a good article to start with:

 

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/spouses-of-bipolar-in-active-relationships-discussions/general-support/10654038-bipolar-hypersexuality-cheating-vs-plain-ole-cheating

 

Good luck.

Edited December 26, 2015 by SolG

[merrmeade]

Some of the male posters on here remind me of a bunch of hairy gorillas banging their chest violently!

 

Thank god a girl gets more choices than just gorillas!!

 

Merry Christmas to one and all.

This is hilarious - a simple observation from someone just walking into the party...

You should really keep your misandry to yourself. Thank god men have more choices than idiots.

...and hardly a preconceived mindset as asserted.

 

Jumping in immediately on top of such a post, 6-shooters raised (rather, 66-shooters) and calling someone a misandrist just because the person has made an unflattering observation about males and is apparently female, rather proves her point.

[merrmeade]

OP I'll to stick narrowly to what you have asked for advice on. But straight up, 90 per cent of marriages with a bipolar sufferer end in divorce. It's a tough road you have chosen.

 

Hypersexuality--including inappropriate sexual behaviour and/or relationships--is a common symptom of bipolar mania and hypomania. Infidelity is common. However, this doesn't make it acceptable or excusable or hurt any less to a spouse to whom monogamy is important.

 

Erratic spending is also a common symptom. Ask yourself if this were your W's behaviour and she spent your life's savings plus more; would you just say here honey have another credit card? It sounds to me as if your W maybe doesn't get that her infidelity is just as destructive as this would be. And she somehow needs to.

 

IMO the best people to engage with would be her medical team--I'm assuming a psychiatrist and psychologist at a minimum--if you're not already. There is research to indicate that including SOs in bipolar management leads to better success rates.

 

And it's her practitioners that are best placed to guide you both through discovering whether or not this A is a manifestation of bipolar induced hypersexuality, or purely a personality issue and choice. If it is the former, it can be managed by managing the illness as part of the overall strategy. Regardless, she has the choice to manage the behaviour. The means exist (meds, diet, exercise, DBT, etc). But she needs to commit.

 

As you have intimated you will do, you do need to hold her to account. Her illness presents context and challenge--maybe even means there will be the constant threat of recurrence in the event of relapse--but not an excuse.

 

I'd also recommend you head to some bipolar support boards. You'll find lots of spouses with stories similar to yours. Here is a good article to start with:

 

Bipolar Hypersexuality Cheating VS Plain Ole Cheating

 

Good luck.

This is helpful, but still begs the question of why are the BH's needs put on a bench while professionals steer WW's choices so-o-o slowly and delicately in another direction, supposedly away from her infidelity. Why is he involved in this therapy at all? It's not about the couple; it's all about her. I mean, let that be the IC chosen for her, but it's hardly what I'd call MC.

 

OP, I was in a similar situation in one aspect. I was still suffering deeply 1-1/2 years out from discovery of my WH's multiple affairs over decades. We tried MC for about six months, and it was evenly balanced between his needs/her (my) needs. The comparison is that my needs were not being met by this arrangement. It was WAY too slow for how depressed and devastated I still felt, and I could see the benefit and insight my WH might gain after a long while would be too little too late. I stopped the MC and started IC - for me.

[JustGettingBy]

As much as it is possible for someone with mental illness, such as bi-polar to have life long, healthy, successful relationships, these only happen if the mentally ill person both knows and accepts their challenges, and works to fix them. Your wife clearly is not doing such.

[Horton]

If i were to force her to quit the affair she would get angry, resent me, be miserable with the kids, and probably find a way to do it behind my back just out of spite. How should i cope with this ongoing affair as we go through therapy to find the true disconnect for her. She has stated everything is fine there is just one "wire loose" and that wire seems to be happiness. She loves me. I show her plenty of care but theres just a switch in her head and its flipped currently.

 

I actually agree with your first statement above. You shouldn't force her to end her affair or in actuality you cannot force her to end it. You're not her daddy, you can't force her to do anything really. What you can do is draw your own line in the sand and tell her that if she crosses said line then the marriage is over. Now in the case of a BS seeking to reconcile that line would normally be her continuing to cheat on you or even breaking NC. However you've described yourself as "progressive" and asked us to keep an "open mind" in our responses so instead of just yelling GET A DIVORCE YESTERDAY I'll try to go through this logically.

 

She has bi-polar and a history of manic behavior. She has now gotten a taste for affair sex, which if you go by the words of those WW's who are actively in an affair, said affair sex is off the charts amazing and extremely addictive, so much so that many will sacrifice their husband and children on the altar of lust for their OM, so your chances of reasoning her out of the affair are about slim to none, throw in the mental issues and you are effectively cosigning to living your life as her cuckold if you stay married to her. Now if you can live in that reality then so be it.

 

You can watch the kids while she and her OM have a wild night on the town and go back to his place for some extramarital lovin and you can greet her at the door with a hug and a kiss and pretend like you don't know what she just did with him, but eventually if you have any sense of pride at all you will grow tired of that routine.

 

Here's your next problem, even if she herself does grow bored with that arrangement or she miraculously regains her sense of right and wrong, by the time that occurs she will have already lost all respect for you. How is she gonna look you in the eye and feel even a modicum of respect when she knows that she came home with the OM's fluids all over her and you just plastered a smile on your face like nothing happened? There's nothing less appealing to the average woman than a man who lets himself get treated like a doormat and allowing your wife to sleep with other guys is seen as the absolute highest form of being a doormat throughout most of human civilization.

 

You have this so backwards where you're thinking that if you just stand by her side long enough and go to enough meetings with her she'll eventually see the light and regret that she ever did all of this and somehow that will make it all okay again. If you hadn't labeled yourself a "progressive" at the start of this thread I would have guessed you were advised to behave this way by your pastor, as that is typically the level of horrendous advice most churches will give a BH nowadays, but anyways what you appear to not be anticipating is that your wife, like every other human being, is susceptible to both nature and cultural norms. We don't live in a "progressive utopia" where women respect a man that looks the other way while she lives the single life on his dime. So realizing that fact, you pretty much have to work with what's been given to you or draw in between the lines so to speak. If you're answer to that is gonna be "Not us, we're different." then my response would be "Yeah, you and every other guy that came here saying that, go read some of their threads and see how that wound up going for them."

 

Spot on it!

 

My WH had sex with MOW on my then 6 year old son's bed once *barf*

 

On an unrelated note... Holy frijoles, you gotta be sh*ttin me. Did they eat a baby afterwards? How much depravity does one person need?

[cocorico]

How would anyone, the OP included, know whether his wife's illness is the cause of her infidelity? It's an unfortunate truth that plenty of married folks "self-medicate" with an AP.

 

I'm not sure why he's being advised to handle his situation differently than any other BS. His wife seems to have decided her relationship with her OM is more important than her marriage. While he shouldn't unceremoniously "dump" her, he should make the same demands and take the same steps any other BS would take. Giving her a pass to continue to cheat under any guise isn't going to address his concerns about their relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I wasn't suggesting she get a free pass. I was suggesting that, instead of hasty decisions either way, the OP consider a bigger picture view - which includes the possibility that even with the best will in the world, his accommodating his WW through this period may still lead to unspoken resentments and later unhappinesses, which come back to haunt them as it did my friends. While I understand his wanting to support his WW through this, if it is at the expense of his own wellbeing, in itself that may later lead to other issues in the R, even if they do get through this.

 

It should not be all about her, and supporting her. He also needs support and he cannot give her support if his own resources are depleted. He needs to consider himself and his own needs too, and not just hers.