Do You See What I See?

November 24, 2015

Hero,

Hang in there. Ignore the posts you don't need.

It appears she knows there is no denynig anything and is not going to try to bull **** you . If she thought there was a chance to weasel out of it she would have been at the house pleading and lying.

Listen to your family, NOT HERS .

And at this point, let your attorney do you talking to her.

November 24, 2015

His motivation is not in question. It's time. If I call my brother, he won't just come tomorrow in a flight. If I call my father in law about the affair, that conversation will not be short. Hero talked to everyone including staying here updating us of all his investigations and answered our questions. And his family members all within one day have made plans regarding the situation. His wife too managed to talked to her father and made decision too in one day. If I call my lawyer, everything won't be so far along by tomorrow. Heck, I probably can't even get a hold of him. If I read the affairs of my wife's text on the phone, it will take me hours. Heck, just talking to my mother can take hours if it's this serious. Forget about my emotional state or my motivations, things can't unfold like this in real life. He was here most of the time talking to us yesterday and today. How can he do all those things? The update I was waiting for was to be expected like in days or weeks, but they moved with the satisfaction of the readers within minutes or hours.

If I need help and call my sister, she'd be on a flight quick split. She did it the day before my divorce trial last year because I was shutting down emotionally...she booked a flight and was 2000 miles to me in 6 hours.

TY R:)

November 25, 2015

BTW my STBXW has checked into her hotel

Chickensh*t

maybe we can get you some help

Taken to an entirely new level.

November 25, 2015

Hero, you should not even be spending all that time defending yourself with a long post. All this happened yesterday and it's amazing you bother to address the doubts.

November 25, 2015

first I'm a tech guy who works from home in a business that I built.
I spend the majority of my time glued to 5 big 50 inch plasma monitors
answering questions quickly on a forum is child's play.
I'm on the net all day, this is what I do, I access information
I'm trained to have a quick analytic mind and solve problems on the fly

As a fellow tech person, and someone who's gone through the same rotten experience a few years ago, I recognised this mind-set immediately. It's in our nature, and it's at that point also a coping mechanism.

You start with the stuff you can actually do something about, you concentrate on that. It gives you a sense of control over the situation.

But Hero, don't be surprised if you lose your sh@t for awhile later on.

I did... My GP likened it to PTSD.

So please look after yourself and get the help you need, if you need it.

It's great you'll have your close family around you, people that truly love you and have your best interest at heart.

I hope that despite all the heartbreak and emotional turmoil you can find some joy in the holidays.

Lots of luck to you,

SC

November 25, 2015

I think 99% of the people (including me) here believe your story. The one (or two?) that has some doubts, is just one person.

when you publish something in a public forum on the internet, it is reasonable to expect some answers you wouldn't like, or skeptical people who wouldn't believe you, and it's legitimate because they're lot of liars and fakes out there, as you know.

We all invest time to read and to reply, because we empathize your situation. We do it seemingly for you, but every one does it because it interesting, because we feel ourselves through you. and some of us like to share our stories too by the the way...

This forum is free for everyone to reply. So please notice that almost all of us believe you, and wish to read as much as you choose to share.

November 25, 2015

Hero, most of us are here to help provide you with different and objective perspectives. There will always be some who for what ever reason want to play the sceptic role....I say ignore them...you're right, if you don't want to believe, read other threads but there is no value in creating additional stress on someone who has come to this site for advise and a chance to vent.

Hero, you have managed this superbly.....kudos to you. Very glad your family has circled the wagons and are there for you....

Again, ignore the naysayers and come back to us if you would like what we offer.

The Colonel

November 25, 2015

All I can say is bravo to Hero! Your aftermath and path you have taken since the discovery of your WW's A is EXACTLY how I wished I would've acted. I love to read threads like this, where the WS gets exactly what they have coming to them. I enjoy the fact that your WW is being blindsided by you, serves her right!

Best of luck to you Hero great follow through!

November 25, 2015

Hero

Glad you are with your family.

Cool, calm and collected. That is all you need when Kryptonite walks in.

She knows she blew it.

Like I said all you have to do is listen to her. If not tonight then after the holidays.

You do not have to respond, commit yourself, utter one threat or make any promises.

And if you have trouble like someone else said let your lawyer friend handle it for you.

Try to enjoy the holiday. The mess will be there when you are ready to deal with it in your own timeframe.

Be strong and know that many of us admire the way you have handled the situation thus far.

HM

Edited November 25, 2015 by happyman64

November 25, 2015

sorry for the long post earlier guys, my emotions are all over the place right now

people pay me to fix problems, so that was my analytic mind kicking in

all day long people bring me complex codes and say fix it, it's broken

I'm sure the other techies here can attest to that.

knee jerk reaction, so meh...whatever

I'm having kind of down moment right now

Happy my brother is here and more family on the way

but all of a sudden I'm starting to feel depressed

I know some of you are going to think I'm crazy

Even after everything she's done, I still love her

10 years is a long time, I'm embarrassed to admit it

but I'm starting to miss my wife

not the one in the hotel, but the old one

how can someone just turn into someone else almost overnight?

what is this hold that women have over us guys?

how do you turn those feelings off? is this even normal?

don't worry, still planning to go through with everything

just a little bummed right now.

D@mn Devil Woman!

November 25, 2015

All change is hard. Even good change.

Feel everything, and then pick up, move on with your day. Rinse. Repeat. This will go on a long time but if you allow yourself to process your emotions then move on with your life one step at a time (easier said then done, esp at first) I promise you will heal.

FWIW I found trying to heal alone was so much more deeply fulfilling . Focus on only you right now.

Walk your dog. Sleep. Watch movies you keep meaning to see. Do just you for awhile. It's centering and healthy.

Again, hugs

November 25, 2015

As a fellow tech person, and someone who's gone through the same rotten experience a few years ago, I recognised this mind-set immediately. It's in our nature, and it's at that point also a coping mechanism.

SC

took the words right out of my mouth

thanks for the support

November 25, 2015

All change is hard. Even good change.

Feel everything, and then pick up, move on with your day. Rinse. Repeat. This will go on a long time but if you allow yourself to process your emotions then move on with your life one step at a time (easier said then done, esp at first) I promise you will heal.

FWIW I found trying to heal alone was so much more deeply fulfilling . Focus on only you right now.

Walk your dog. Sleep. Watch movies you keep meaning to see. Do just you for awhile. It's centering and healthy.

Again, hugs

Thanks, this is great advice

November 25, 2015

Hero

Glad you are with your family.

Cool, calm and collected. That is all you need when Kryptonite walks in.

She knows she blew it.

Like I said all you have to do is listen to her. If not tonight then after the holidays.

You do not have to respond, commit yourself, utter one threat or make any promises.

And if you have trouble like someone else said let your lawyer friend handle it for you.

Try to enjoy the holiday. The mess will be there when you are ready to deal with it in your own timeframe.

Be strong and know that many of us admire the way you have handled the situation thus far.

HM

Thanks HappyMan, love the way your mind works

your replies always make me...well um....happy

November 25, 2015

Hero,

This **** is not a straight and easy ride out of it. There are going to be ups and downs.

The fact is SHE IS THE WOMAN IN THE HOTEL RIGHT NOW. That you must accept in order to think properly and make any decisions.

Not only did she do what she did, but she did it publically, with no remorse, only anger at you for suspecting her of anything, and no way she had any intention of stopping. Her only anger is at her boyfriend for being so stupid and getting you confirmation of what she was doing.

And she has proven who checked out she is by quietly going to the hotel. there are many WW whop in this situation arrive home begging and begging for another chance and forgiveness even when handed divorce papers.

my guess is you will get a laundry list of reasons why it was your fault, and will also be told she has feelings for OM. i mean, for heavens sake, she did not even try to hide what she was doing from others.

So far, you have made all the right moves. no one has a crystal ball, but the last thing you want to even contemplate right now is back pedaling while she is still defiantly just accepting that you two are done and offering nothing.

And her words right now i hope mean nothing to you after what you have just uncovered.

November 25, 2015

sorry for the long post earlier guys, my emotions are all over the place right now
people pay me to fix problems, so that was my analytic mind kicking in
all day long people bring me complex codes and say fix it, it's broken
I'm sure the other techies here can attest to that.
knee jerk reaction, so meh...whatever

I'm having kind of down moment right now
Happy my brother is here and more family on the way
but all of a sudden I'm starting to feel depressed

I know some of you are going to think I'm crazy
Even after everything she's done, I still love her
10 years is a long time, I'm embarrassed to admit it
but I'm starting to miss my wife

not the one in the hotel, but the old one
how can someone just turn into someone else almost overnight?
what is this hold that women have over us guys?
how do you turn those feelings off? is this even normal?

don't worry, still planning to go through with everything
just a little bummed right now.

D@mn Devil Woman!

It's natural what you are going through.

This is the thing. You are still in love with who you thought your wife was not who she actually is or has become.

No betrayal can be that deep without long term destruction. You will have periods of doubt but the facts of what she's done and put in writing won't.

I'm truly sorry for you man.

November 25, 2015

well here we go guys - she's here

November 25, 2015

It's not silly at all to miss her. As a problem solver and man of action, you took control of a lot of things very quickly. As some of the dust settles a bit, you are left to feel everything even more. There is absolutely no shame in allowing yourself time to feel all the emotions of it all. Your family will understand you wanting some time.

November 25, 2015

Buckle up Hero!!

November 25, 2015

Hero. Sooner or later your going to have to have contact with your wife. Yeah the tears will flow with a side order of snot bubbles too and if she starts begging and making promises that I doubt she can keep just remember this.

You saw the text messages. She called you a fool. The OM called you a fool. She's at this hotel with this guy and a host of other co workers that probably address you as "The fool." They all saw her with this guy so they know what they were up to and no doubt had a lot of fun with the name calling at your expense.

You say you still love her. I understand that. It's not like you can turn it on and off like a light switch but the idea of calling you a fool and laughing about it should keep your focus.

Yeah her dad wants you to forgive her. Her cheating was bad enough but the cherry on top is the name calling. Sometimes words hurt more than her actions. Once words roll of ones tongue and hit your ear, it can never be taken back so yeah you might still love her but if you take her back, then rest assure the word "Fool" will stick to you for life.

November 25, 2015

Sending peace and strength and light to you tonight. Prayers, too.

November 25, 2015

Hero--

I've been following your story since yesterday. It feels like my heart has broken right along with yours.

My biggest challenge was figuring out how to let go of this thought: "Why do I have to suffer and hurt so much because of their bad choices? I didn't do anything wrong!"

It is going to hurt. Focus on putting one foot in front of the other. You can absolutely love and miss someone and not have them be in your life. She is making choices that have a negative impact on your life. You do not deserve that.

Keep us updated. I always want the hero to end up on top.

xoxo,

db

November 25, 2015

We have all been where you are now and the only way through it is to just go through it. She needs to feel the shame of what she's done no matter how embarrassing it is for her. I called my ex a whore and meant it, she took it and more. Do not agree to anything you are not comfortable with regardless of how much it inconveniences her. You are at your strongest at time of confrontation and she will agree to things today she may not agree to a week from now. Use this information to your benefit, get any agreement in writing.

November 25, 2015

We have all been where you are now and the only way through it is to just go through it. She needs to feel the shame of what she's done no matter how embarrassing it is for her. I called my ex a whore and meant it, she took it and more. Do not agree to anything you are not comfortable with regardless of how much it inconveniences her. You are at your strongest at time of confrontation and she will agree to things today she may not agree to a week from now. Use this information to your benefit, get any agreement in writing.

I agree with the basic idea here. This is the time of the simple, simple truth of her betrayal and your raw rage and agony. Not only justice is served by your full expression (non-violent) of what she did, what it means, how you see her, and how you feel, but your own separate needs in order to move cleanly to the next level, whatever that is. You should not deny anything you're feeling or you'll pay dearly. She should not be let off in any way or she'll not change. She is 100% in the wrong and needs consequences to own it and reform. Your confrontation is one of those consequences.

It's not calculating to "Use this information to your benefit, get any agreement in writing." It's protecting your sense of dignity and justice. You'll never get over it otherwise.

November 25, 2015

well here we go guys - she's here

Wait a minute - "HERE" as in there with you? Or at the hotel?

You're a quick study and clearly used to sorting, selecting and discarding data quickly, so I'm not TOO worried.

You said you still plan to "go through with everything." So 'everything' means "no action for 3 months" but "D papers...ready to go" and "attorney...monitoring the situation closely," right? Sounds like you're ready.

You think her "behavior seems to be standard operating procedure for many waywards" but your "STBXW is broken ... needs some serious help," but that's not the same as what she did to YOU. Don't intellectualize too much.

You figured all this out within the last 24 hours. Just before she showed up, you started feeling down, realizing you still love her, thinking you might sound crazy. All-over-the-place waffling emotions and thoughts are normal, but when you confront her, you need to be white-hot focused on the foulness of her actions and let her have it (not physically). You can let the other stuff play out later—and it will—but your ability to survive this long-term will benefit from a clean purge to start.

Then we can address the next part, the fluctuations and numbness. Waiting 3 months is good. Allow that your clarity and emotional certainty are not dependable and will not be for a while. Start reading, maybe consider therapy. Most of us do. Try starting with these: After the Affair, Not Just Friends.

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