Do you approach your relationships in a pragmatic way or an idealistic way?

[d0nnivain]

You are romanticizing it as mass media has taught you to by filling your head with half truths. For most people first love is a series of mistakes, the blind leading the blind.

 

You get to have a series of 1st with every new person who comes into your life. Being 1st doesn't matter as much as being last.

[casey.lives]

Both... i like to afford dates and romantic pleasures to be able to share them..

[loverage21]

You are romanticizing it as mass media has taught you to by filling your head with half truths. For most people first love is a series of mistakes, the blind leading the blind.

 

You get to have a series of 1st with every new person who comes into your life. Being 1st doesn't matter as much as being last.

 

I just ran a bunch of trauma and car accidents so I am pissed of royally.

 

 

There MUST be a reason why the media romanticises young love and includes it in the plots. You know why? Because it pertains to people emotionally. It reaches down into the heart and soul in a very sensitive area. It is what they call BITTERSWEET. You are bitter as to how it ended but the love, the innocence shared, and the youthfulness to it generates a very sweet effect to it.

 

Another thing, you CANNOT guarentee to be someone's last. But a first will ALWAYS be a first and that does not change. So what if you are neither first or last? What if you are 3rd out of #10 for example?

 

Think of a roller coaster you never rode before. You ride it and you are astonished to learn what it is like. The third, fourth, or fifth time you ride it, yea, it is fun but you already can predict the drops and turns and it doesn't have that same "WOW" effect like that the first gave.

 

See. Alexa for example. If I kissed her again, subconsciously the thought of her past bf will pop into her head. She is not thinking about him on purpose. But she can make that connection to "oh yeah, I remember that". Same with romantic gestures. Maybe I take her to parks just like her first boyfriend did. Anything I do that her boyfriend did she will remember him.

 

That is where that base of comparison comes in. With a first love and a first kiss, you can't think of another time you been kissed or how amazing it was, because it never happened before.

 

Adele, that stupid movie " 17 again", that stupid commercial on TV with the flashbacks from prom in high school and the drawing on the wall with the guy proposing to her. And then he gives her a ring. There are always references , commercials, songs, movies, YOU NAME IT that have a first love thsme to it.

 

Articles online, psychologists, media outlets, blogs, opinionals, have written articles about rekindling loves from childhood and they even developed theories, YES! THEORIES! Behind it! That is how common it is!

 

My dad says he holds his first love in high regard. Even though he has been married to my mom for 25 years. My mom's first love contacted her. In fact, THEY CHEATED ON EACH OTHER WITH THEIR FIRSTS!!!!!!!

 

On the morning show, when they were showing that Adele concert. A GROWN MAN IN HIS 60'S WAS CRYING!!!!

[loverage21]

You know she has a song called First Love... THIS is the guy you want to be?

 

You know what tho?

 

It must of been significant enough for her to sing about it!!!!

 

Why could she have sang that song about her second or third lover???

 

It just HAD to be about her first.

[CrystalCastles]

I think this is an extension of the poem thread.

 

First love is really not that exciting. Sure its your first, whatever. My first wasn't that great. It wasn't bad, but I look back at it thinking "meh".

 

My first was a guy who I wrote a thread about after we broke up. He was not great, a very unemotional, bland and boring person. Very average. I'm not bittersweet about him. I DUMPED him. And for good reason. I don't romanticize anything about it. I don't want to go back, I don't want to re-live it, I don't even think about it. I have been in a relationship since then, and it was still "WOW". My bff's first relationship was also s**tty, but her second relationship was amazing. She fell madly in love with a guy who dumped her after a year, and it took her a year to get over him. He wasn't her first.

 

Because with every person its a new experience. Each guy is different, wants different things, likes different things, and its just as much of a discovery as the first time. In fact, I think that as you get into more relationships, you discover things about yourself that you did not know. I know better about what my dealbreakers are, about what I want from a guy, both in bed and out of, and I had no idea what those things were before. For a lot of people first relationships are more of a test run, a way to gain experience and learn about what you want. Its not some Twilight Saga s**t you're making it out to be.

Edited November 24, 2015 by CrystalCastles

[Myragal]

I have heard a difference between youthful relationships and adult relationships is that you view adult relationships in a more practical, realistic sense instead of an idealistic and "magical" sense.

 

Is this true?

 

As you get older do your relationships lose that "magical" and youthful touch to them?

 

Not at all. They are as strong as ever.

 

It is not one or the other for me. I am very practical in the type of man that I am attracted to. He is educated, financially responsible, very fit, never smoked, never did any drugs. He is outdoors and nature oriented.

 

I've always fell in love with the 'Boy Scout'. A nice, capable guy. It's not that all other men are 'yucky' but I can't imagine letting them being physically intimate with me.

[Qboro90]

But do you try to model the excitement and romanticism around youthful feelings

 

It's amazing how you're able to re word the same exact ideology and stigma around young/first love vs later loves to pose it over and over again. You've got something stuck in your head that nobody here is gonna give you the reply you're infinitely searching for that'll fix it.

[mrldii]

In regards to the OP, relationships are the best place to apply the adage, "Hope for the best...and plan for the worst."

 

Most older people who fall in love again feel like they did the first time or when they were teenagers. Luckily, the wisdom of age lets you grow out of that puppy-love stage quicker and allow it develop into a more mature, bigger, and more sustainable type of love.

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[basil67]

But because I have never loved before and it is nearly impossible at my age to be a girls first love. To be that guy that is forever ingrained in her heart and her memories. The guy that changed her.

 

What if her first love was a bully who pushed her into doing things she didn't want to do? What if he hurt her or cheated on her?

 

How does this affect your theory?

[RedRobin]

Thing is first love always has a sweet spot to some degree. It represents innocence and being young. It represents discovery.

 

It is the cutest love. Sweet and blind. No expectations except the will to love.

 

It is a major milestone for a lot of people. A love people reflect on whether they like it or not. A shell shock.

 

Something that you get one chance at.

 

aah... but don't you see? A new love is always a first love. Every love is unique and special.

 

 

I was listening to a This American Life this weekend... playing back some old reruns. Listen to "The Heart Wants What it Wants". Some sweet (and sad) stories about people finding love through many stages of life. There's an especially sweet story about a couple who found love while in a nursing home together.

 

 

One of my uncles never married until he was in his sixties. Found the love of his life with my aunt, a widow. True love can happen at any stage of life.

[loverage21]

What if her first love was a bully who pushed her into doing things she didn't want to do? What if he hurt her or cheated on her?

 

How does this affect your theory?

 

She can still remember the sweet aspects of it and take that into heart. I mean she can still hold to heart the feeling of what it was like to fall in love for the first time, first kiss, etc.

[Got it]

Love, you are stuck on this broken record no matter how many times and no matter how many threads people disagree with you. You are certain that first love is really the only one true love and nothing can be said to change your mind. Couple this with suicidal tendencies/fantasies and you need some serious professional help. Please seek therapy immediately.

 

This is not rational thinking. You are stuck in a loop right now that you can't see out of and it is unhealthy and toxic for you.

 

You know your first love and greatest love? Self love. Please focus on it. You need to make sure you are loving yourself and your posts do not show that. Seek medical help please.

[loverage21]

Not at all. They are as strong as ever.

 

It is not one or the other for me. I am very practical in the type of man that I am attracted to. He is educated, financially responsible, very fit, never smoked, never did any drugs. He is outdoors and nature oriented.

 

I've always fell in love with the 'Boy Scout'. A nice, capable guy. It's not that all other men are 'yucky' but I can't imagine letting them being physically intimate with me.

 

Did your first love have to be financially responsible and educated?

 

How does that reflect on his ability to love?

[loverage21]

aah... but don't you see? A new love is always a first love. Every love is unique and special.

 

 

I was listening to a This American Life this weekend... playing back some old reruns. Listen to "The Heart Wants What it Wants". Some sweet (and sad) stories about people finding love through many stages of life. There's an especially sweet story about a couple who found love while in a nursing home together.

 

 

One of my uncles never married until he was in his sixties. Found the love of his life with my aunt, a widow. True love can happen at any stage of life.

 

 

But then how come a large portion of movies and songs revolve around first love or young love then? There must be something really special about it.

 

Yes I know a lot of it is "fantasy". But that does not change the fact it digs into the heart in highly sensitive areas.

 

A lot of top romance movies are when lost lovers from a young age reunite

Edited November 24, 2015 by loverage21

[Myragal]

Did your first love have to be financially responsible and educated?

 

How does that reflect on his ability to love?

 

Yes, Ross in 9th grade. He was also our paper boy. He and I would do enjoy doing homework together. He also knew how dance swing. He was about 3 inches shorter than me but just adorable. We both wanted to be park rangers so we were always out studying the birds, wildflowers and butterflies.

[thefooloftheyear]

But then how come a large portion of movies and songs revolve around first love or young love then? There must be something really special about it.

 

Yes I know a lot of it is "fantasy". But that does not change the fact it digs into the heart in highly sensitive areas.

 

A lot of top romance movies are when lost lovers from a young age reunite

 

 

I'll only say this.....

 

Forget songs and movies....

 

The ironic thing about life is that it usually takes just about everyone on this planet several decades of time to figure it out...That means career, romance, relationships, friendships, common sense/judgement or whatever...Along the way, the mistakes we make give us wisdom and knowledge that no one can teach, its not in any book or manual, and you aren't gonna learn it in school...For most of us, we don't usually "get it" until we reach middle age...We think we are so smart when younger, but its all a false sense of reality...

 

The only sad part of all of this is that we usually waste the best years of our lives(physically/appearance/health/fitness) taking our lumps and getting to that point of clarity and understanding...And when you think you have it figured out(and often you do figure it out), at that point you are no longer the Mr/Ms Awesome that we once were..

 

I didn't invent the saying, but its so very true...Youth is wasted on the young....

 

TFY

[RedRobin]

But then how come a large portion of movies and songs revolve around first love or young love then? There must be something really special about it.

 

Yes I know a lot of it is "fantasy". But that does not change the fact it digs into the heart in highly sensitive areas.

 

A lot of top romance movies are when lost lovers from a young age reunite

 

Probably because ones first love is a 'rite of passage' into adulthood. Think about other rites of passage... Learning how to drive, the first time you ride a bike, or learn how to swim... To name a few. Think of all the movies made about all kinds of transitions. That's all it is. A transition.

 

My first boyfriend was very sweet, but I loved the man who would become my H much more... And after I was divorced... I loved a man even more who would become my fiancée, but who died.

 

If anything, I feel my capacity to love has increased, not diminished... Although there are a lot of cynical people out there who want to just use you up if you let them. Maybe that is something you are experiencing?

 

Do you really think that I enjoy driving LESS, or riding my bike LESS, or swimming LESS now? Of course not! If one wasn't traumatized by the experience, then you can expect that they will go on to enjoy it more, not less.

 

The only difference now might be that I don't let chemistry cloud my judgement like I might when I was very young.

[loverage21]

I'll only say this.....

 

Forget songs and movies....

 

The ironic thing about life is that it usually takes just about everyone on this planet several decades of time to figure it out...That means career, romance, relationships, friendships, common sense/judgement or whatever...Along the way, the mistakes we make give us wisdom and knowledge that no one can teach, its not in any book or manual, and you aren't gonna learn it in school...For most of us, we don't usually "get it" until we reach middle age...We think we are so smart when younger, but its all a false sense of reality...

 

The only sad part of all of this is that we usually waste the best years of our lives(physically/appearance/health/fitness) taking our lumps and getting to that point of clarity and understanding...And when you think you have it figured out(and often you do figure it out), at that point you are no longer the Mr/Ms Awesome that we once were..

 

I didn't invent the saying, but its so very true...Youth is wasted on the young....

 

TFY

 

That is the beauty of first love. You didn't have to have common sense, expectations, or rules. That is what is so amazing to it. You go into it blindly and innocently and you give your all to someone. You made yourself vulnerable to someone because of the desire to discover love and to be loved.

 

It happened during a time where a boy and a girl were just discovering love and feeling for one another. It happened during a carefree, youthful time in your life where you were out at the mall with friends, doing fun things, still living at home...

 

That is what makes first/young love stand out so much above all other adult relationships you may have.

 

It is enlightening, free, innocent, unguarded, and represents discovery.

 

Psychologists believe first love is the most intense connection someone will ever have towards another in their life (outside family). Yes, love can fade over time. But what that means is in that moment in time, the intensity was stronger than any feeling you can have towards someone else later.

[thefooloftheyear]

That is the beauty of first love. You didn't have to have common sense, expectations, or rules. That is what is so amazing to it. You go into it blindly and innocently and you give your all to someone. You made yourself vulnerable to someone because of the desire to discover love and to be loved.

 

It happened during a time where a boy and a girl were just discovering love and feeling for one another. It happened during a carefree, youthful time in your life where you were out at the mall with friends, doing fun things, still living at home...

 

That is what makes first/young love stand out so much above all other adult relationships you may have.

 

It is enlightening, free, innocent, unguarded, and represents discovery.

 

Psychologists believe first love is the most intense connection someone will ever have towards another in their life (outside family). Yes, love can fade over time. But what that means is in that moment in time, the intensity was stronger than any feeling you can have towards someone else later.

 

 

But then what "good" is it if you don't really know who "you" are?...

 

Maybe its a poor analogy, but what you are saying is kinda like saying getting high is the so great and fantastic, that all the negatives that come along with drug use cant be considered..

 

But maybe i am reading you incorrectly...I didnt read the whole thread..

 

 

TFY

[RedRobin]

hmmm... Most healthy people have a filter of some kind. I wasn't blind when I had my first love. I didn't even have sex with my first love. I thought I was too young (15)... Which I was. I also had no intention of marrying my high school sweetheart. I felt then, and still feel to this day that most men aren't good partners and are pretty much takers emotionally, in return for I don't know what. Money maybe? Money I don't need... I wasn't about to settle into domestic servitude with any guy. That's how I felt when I was 15.

 

the only guys I know who mourn the loss of the kind of innocence you are fantasizing about are guys who want to take without question... Who want someone who doesn't know better... Who won't question or challenge him.

 

Well, that wasn't me at 15 and still isn't.

 

If you are looking for someone naive you can take advantage of, there are plenty of people of all ages who choose not to exercise good judgement. Has nothing to do with age.

[basil67]

She can still remember the sweet aspects of it and take that into heart. I mean she can still hold to heart the feeling of what it was like to fall in love for the first time, first kiss, etc.

 

You're kidding, right? If someone has been through a traumatic relationship (first love or not) they don't get warm fuzzies afterwards.

[basil67]

But then how come a large portion of movies and songs revolve around first love or young love then? There must be something really special about it.

 

There are also a lot of movies and songs which revolve around the excitement of having affairs. Does this mean that infidelity is also something we hold dear to us?

 

And now I have Ray Parker Jnr's 'The Other Woman' stuck in my brain.

Edited November 24, 2015 by basil67
earworm

[loverage21]

hmmm... Most healthy people have a filter of some kind. I wasn't blind when I had my first love. I didn't even have sex with my first love. I thought I was too young (15)... Which I was. I also had no intention of marrying my high school sweetheart. I felt then, and still feel to this day that most men aren't good partners and are pretty much takers emotionally, in return for I don't know what. Money maybe? Money I don't need... I wasn't about to settle into domestic servitude with any guy. That's how I felt when I was 15.

 

the only guys I know who mourn the loss of the kind of innocence you are fantasizing about are guys who want to take without question... Who want someone who doesn't know better... Who won't question or challenge him.

 

Well, that wasn't me at 15 and still isn't.

 

If you are looking for someone naive you can take advantage of, there are plenty of people of all ages who choose not to exercise good judgement. Has nothing to do with age.

 

Just think tho. For many people, there is only one person in their lifetime that can give them such intense feelings and emotions. After that, they keep looking and looking and they don't find anyone who can give them emotions and feelings to that same intensity. So are they going to keep looking into their 40s, 50s, and 60s for this so called "perfect" guy? NO!!!! They find someone who they can settle with and is decent enough because love is better than no love at all. But they will always have that one other person in the back of their heart forever.

[mrldii]

Just think tho. For many people, there is only one person in their lifetime that can give them such intense feelings and emotions. After that, they keep looking and looking and they don't find anyone who can give them emotions and feelings to that same intensity. So are they going to keep looking into their 40s, 50s, and 60s for this so called "perfect" guy? NO!!!! They find someone who they can settle with and is decent enough because love is better than no love at all. But they will always have that one other person in the back of their heart forever.

 

 

For someone who's a 21-year old male and [in your own words] has "never had a girlfriend", you sure do seem to know a lot about how women really feel about our first loves, and why we are never, ever, able to get over it, even well into our 40s, 50s, and 60s

 

and you know that this is a problem for women, only.

 

Is there some reason you come here asking others questions about things that you, yourself, already know the answers to despite the fact that not one single woman has posted anything even remotely close to providing support your hypothesis?

[thefooloftheyear]

Just think tho. For many people, there is only one person in their lifetime that can give them such intense feelings and emotions. After that, they keep looking and looking and they don't find anyone who can give them emotions and feelings to that same intensity. So are they going to keep looking into their 40s, 50s, and 60s for this so called "perfect" guy? NO!!!! They find someone who they can settle with and is decent enough because love is better than no love at all. But they will always have that one other person in the back of their heart forever.

 

 

Nonsense, bro.....Its a big world and no one has that kind of time/resources to really look......If they did, they'd likely find "ideals" that number in the thousands....

 

Sorry to be the wet blanket...

 

TFY