katielee Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 So WK - your husband would be ok with you talking to your AP and thinking fondly of him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 How can you enjoy seeing this man? I'm with katie on this one. I'm a fWW, 6 years out on d-day. And if I unexpectedly ran into xAP, I would not only tell my H right away, I would definitely NOT stop to chat. Not because I hate xAP, but because its disrespectful to my H and everything we've worked toward. Plus, I don't care about him, if he's married, with more kids, whatever. Maybe I'm different but I don't have "fond" memories of my xAP. Every word and action with him was a betrayal of my marriage, my husband, and myself. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 So in other words you will always care about and had an absolutely lovely time chatting up the man you had an affair with. You feel this is the behavior of someone who is sorry they had an affair? Saying you will always care about the man you cheated with is just to sick and disrespectful to me I just don't see how this marriage is "fine" unless you guys just constantly lie to each other about what you are really feeling. I told my husband when I confessed that I didn't want to live with lies anymore & that I cared for the OM & if our marriage was good than I wouldn't feel like this. We chose to work it out & I love my husband, not the other man but yes, part of me cared about him & I hope nothing but good things, all I clocked went through a rough patch & my husband & I pulled people into our circle of hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 I'm with katie on this one. I'm a fWW, 6 years out on d-day. And if I unexpectedly ran into xAP, I would not only tell my H right away, I would definitely NOT stop to chat. Not because I hate xAP, but because its disrespectful to my H and everything we've worked toward. Plus, I don't care about him, if he's married, with more kids, whatever. Maybe I'm different but I don't have "fond" memories of my xAP. Every word and action with him was a betrayal of my marriage, my husband, and myself. It's two each is own. I don't know your situation & maybe you have every right to not like AP, I never put the betrayel part on him bc he wasn't some smooth talking jerk.he honestly cared about me & what happened to me. He stepped back when I asked him to & wished me the best. He never pushed himself on me. Just was like I care for you & im here if you need me or want me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 So WK - your husband would be ok with you talking to your AP and thinking fondly of him? My husband knows I don't dislike him. I was honest about that. If I told Y husband I ran into him & talked to him, he wouldn't freak out, no. He's like me, he's 100 sure that I wouldn't start up a relationship again, as I am about him. That's why I don't want to know if he runs into her, I have no doubt in my mind or heart that he wants her again & same with me about this guy. So in what way would that help 6 years later right before the holidays to bring up old messed up memories from long ago, when we do trust each other 100%?? Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 if our marriage was good than I wouldn't feel like this. . Affairs aren't caused by a bad marriage, they're caused by broken people not able to cope with whatever pain is going on in their lives... they also don't cause us to fall for other people... all a bad marriage does is give the WS ammunition to give themselves the green light, of which they have no right. There are a 1000 other things a WS can do other than chose this... and they know clear as day it won't help their marriage. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 Affairs aren't caused by a bad marriage, they're caused by broken people not able to cope with whatever pain is going on in their lives... they also don't cause us to fall for other people... all a bad marriage does is give the WS ammunition to give themselves the green light, of which they have no right. There are a 1000 other things a WS can do other than chose this... and they know clear as day it won't help their marriage. I disagree. I've seen bad marriages & I can see why some people do cheat. People are broken, sometimes the BS doesn't want to ever see their place in a bad marriage & when an A happens that's all they focus on, while completely ignoring the cause & effect. Is cheating everytime, of course it is BUT there are also another million things that are wrong & cause just as much mistrust & problems. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 well then the answer to your question is yes, according to all the replies here... and anyone else I've ever talked to. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 WK - I had an affair first. My husband was emotional and physically absent in our marriage for years. But he didn't cause my affair at all. The only cause and effect is inside the head when the WS gets that first whiff of entitlement and says to themselves, "I deserve THIS because of THAT." Um no, you don't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 well then the answer to your question is yes, according to all the replies here... and anyone else I've ever talked to. I was so curious about this & to read other's perspective is very interesting. I Think everyone handles things differently & im glad I've choosen to handle it my way. I don't think anyway is wrong if it works for you as a couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 WK - I had an affair first. My husband was emotional and physically absent in our marriage for years. But he didn't cause my affair at all. The only cause and effect is inside the head when the WS gets that first whiff of entitlement and says to themselves, "I deserve THIS because of THAT." Um no, you don't. I never thought I deserved anything. I just thought my marriage was over & I could see the end (at that time) so I just didn't care. I'll own that but he had done many things (before I found out about affair) that told me he didn't care either. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I have a hard rule - NC. I even had to amend this later because wife did not get what NC means. 1) Even if he reaches out and you ignore it - tell me. I want to know how what/when/where/how it was attempted so we can block it. 2) If for some unimaginable reason you actually run into him in person - or he catches you off guard on the phone and starts talking to you - a clear "**** off ! never speak to me!" is to be issued...and you tell me this happened. You can't control residual feelings or thoughts - maybe - but you can control how you act or respond out of love and respect for the damage done to your spouse. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I disagree. I've seen bad marriages & I can see why some people do cheat. People are broken, sometimes the BS doesn't want to ever see their place in a bad marriage & when an A happens that's all they focus on, while completely ignoring the cause & effect. Is cheating everytime, of course it is BUT there are also another million things that are wrong & cause just as much mistrust & problems. Well I am an xMOW too and I had my own A to sooth my own bruised ego after my WH's first A. Just because you can 'see' why someone would cheat doesn't make it right. The BS knows how bad the M is sometimes. Sometimes we have tried to get our H's attention, but they were already so far gone and disconnected. I have dealt with my own issues concerning my M. I am not responsible for my Wh's A that is all on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 Well I am an xMOW too and I had my own A to sooth my own bruised ego after my WH's first A. Just because you can 'see' why someone would cheat doesn't make it right. The BS knows how bad the M is sometimes. Sometimes we have tried to get our H's attention, but they were already so far gone and disconnected. I have dealt with my own issues concerning my M. I am not responsible for my Wh's A that is all on him. I said affairs were wrong. I just think there are many other things that can be really wrong in a marriage also. Cheating isn't the only thing that breaks up a marriage or the only thing people have trust issues over. I can see why a lot of people do a lot of things that aren't right in society. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 I have a hard rule - NC. I even had to amend this later because wife did not get what NC means. 1) Even if he reaches out and you ignore it - tell me. I want to know how what/when/where/how it was attempted so we can block it. 2) If for some unimaginable reason you actually run into him in person - or he catches you off guard on the phone and starts talking to you - a clear "**** off ! never speak to me!" is to be issued...and you tell me this happened. You can't control residual feelings or thoughts - maybe - but you can control how you act or respond out of love and respect for the damage done to your spouse. i said too each is own & wanted to see different perspectives. If that is what you want, you're more than justfied to be open about what works for you. I would never want my husband to tell his OW f-off bc that's childish & pointless. Now if she was crossing a line of stalking or crazy behavior, ok but to say just bc he had an affair with her, that's wouldn't make me feel better at all. It'd make me look at him like he's a punk. Plus I don't want to tell anyone else what they "have" to do. I can only say what my thought is & that's it. I don't want my spouse doing anything I made them to do. You're a adult, be one & if I honestly thought I couldn't trust after so many years, I'd rather leave the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 OP I like the way you take total responsibility for the affair. There is often a desire to hate the APs......... it makes the BS happy to know they hate the AP. Handle contact with your ex APs as you and your husband see fit. It's what works best for you. There's not always a right or wrong to these things... but whatever you both agree on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 OP I like the way you take total responsibility for the affair. There is often a desire to hate the APs......... it makes the BS happy to know they hate the AP. Handle contact with your ex APs as you and your husband see fit. It's what works best for you. There's not always a right or wrong to these things... but whatever you both agree on. I understand that a BS isn't going to have wonderful feelings for the AP but I don't understand them thinking that the WS is automatically going to hate them. Most people don't have affairs with people they hate. I'm sure there are crazy AP that don't understand it's over & go too far but I've seen BS go too far also. I would just walk away before any of that. Fighting for your marriage & fighting another person for your spouse are two different things. I would have never stayed if I was in a postion to feel I was fighting over my spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I've not been a WS (I'm a BH). Of the WS I've spoken with over the years, most seek to reach a point of not caring about their AP at all. No emotions. Just a person. To hate their AP would be to give them some power in their life - and they don't want that. Memories and such - many were good memories at first, but when the WS saw the damage their affair did, those memories get tarnished and at some level become painful because they are associated with hurting their BS. When both people in the marriage have affairs (aka Mad Hatters or MH) things get complicated. I have no understanding of that situation at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 OP I like the way you take total responsibility for the affair. There is often a desire to hate the APs......... it makes the BS happy to know they hate the AP. Handle contact with your ex APs as you and your husband see fit. It's what works best for you. There's not always a right or wrong to these things... but whatever you both agree on. If you are a bs and this is how you feel, please say that. You can not speak for all betrayeds. I for one didn't feel this way. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I've not been a WS (I'm a BH). Of the WS I've spoken with over the years, most seek to reach a point of not caring about their AP at all. No emotions. Just a person. To hate their AP would be to give them some power in their life - and they don't want that. Memories and such - many were good memories at first, but when the WS saw the damage their affair did, those memories get tarnished and at some level become painful because they are associated with hurting their BS. When both people in the marriage have affairs (aka Mad Hatters or MH) things get complicated. I have no understanding of that situation at all. Exactly! I would be horrified at myself if I were thinking fondly of my xap. The point of indifference is where I get to with any ex. It's not that I wish bad I don't wish anything at all. Nothing fond about an Affair! Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 .... my husband & I pulled people into our circle of hell. If they knew you were married, they weren't pulled. Yes, you and your H were responsible for the M. But the AP's were adults who chose to get involved. So they do share some responsibility. The "if it wasn't them it would have been someone else" reasoning doesn't absolve them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Of the WS I've spoken with over the years, most seek to reach a point of not caring about their AP at all. No emotions. Just a person. To hate their AP would be to give them some power in their life - and they don't want that. I wouldn't expect my WS to hate her AP. But... I've recently ran into my ExAP (he's married now with 2 kids) I enjoyed seeing him, we talked & went on our way... I'll always care about him even though we have NC. This wouldn't work for me either. Guess I'd be looking for a middle ground, where any connection to him was firmly in the past... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 I wouldn't expect my WS to hate her AP. But... This wouldn't work for me either. Guess I'd be looking for a middle ground, where any connection to him was firmly in the past... Mr. Lucky We don't have any connections, I ran into him standing in line at a mall in a city. I didn't even know he still lived in our area. I'm not going to out of line bc I ran into someone 6 years later nor would I expect that from my husband either. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 WhoKnew - you're the only one suggesting we've said the WS should hate the AP. No one has... there should be indifference... I am disgusted by my AP. I hope to never see him. If I did (and I am 6 years out as well) I would get out of line and leave that establishment out of respect for my husband.... but as you said, people are different. I'm glad this arrangement is working for you. but you asked for other opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Whoknew I just recently experienced as a BS broken NC with the MOW in our situation. My WH showed me the message that was sent to him. I wasn't even thinking about his A or her or anything we were going about our life. She sent a (semi-nude) photo of herself with a bunch of childish hashtags. You wouldn't want to know about this? Especially if your spouse has cheated in the past? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts