What I would say to the OW....

[minnesotagirl]

I wish BS in my affair would contact me. He trickle-truthed her and they're in false reconciliation and I so badly want to tell her everything. It's not my place to though, and she probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

[Whoknew30]

how do you know why she ran? Did you ask her? And you don't make assumptions?

 

My best friend & I saw her literally run when she saw me. She looked up, we made eye contact & she ran. No I don't make assumptions. lol, you don't have to ask someone if they we're running, when you see them do it less than 10 feet from you.

[minimariah]

My best friend & I saw her literally run when she saw me. She looked up, we made eye contact & she ran. No I don't make assumptions. lol, you don't have to ask someone if they we're running, when you see them do it less than 10 feet from you.

 

you still don't know WHY she ran. she probably did so because she was afraid you'll make a huge scene so she wanted to avoid it. i don't know about you - but i only run from folks i think are completely out of control; so you really don't know what SHE thinks or knows or what your husband told her.

[Whoknew30]

you still don't know WHY she ran. she probably did so because she was afraid you'll make a huge scene so she wanted to avoid it. i don't know about you - but i only run from folks i think are completely out of control; so you really don't know what SHE thinks or knows or what your husband told her.

 

If you would have read my previous thread (instead of assuming) you would have read that I talked to her. I called her number the night my husband fell asleep on the phone. I called, she picked up, was extremely apologetic & I told her, there was no problem between her & I bc I'm not married to her. Oh & he barely ever talked to her about me.

 

So I do know what SHE was thinking. She was embarrassed as she was on the phone, after I told her to just let it go.

[Joie]

(Continuing my imaginary letters to the OW ---I have no intention of sending them. This is just an outlet to get rid of some thoughts).

 

OW,

 

I do not think of you every second of every day any longer. However, you do cross my thoughts daily. This holiday season has been hard on me. I wish I was a bigger person but I hope it has been hard on you also. Last year during this time my husband and you were stealing time from my family. He was moody and withdrawn. I am glad that this year with you out of our lives he is returning to the man I fell in love with. He was involved and present this year which was amazing. However, the pain that you and he have caused continues to taint what should be a joyous season. Because every time he does something wonderful this holiday season I think back to how he behaved last year and it makes me sad. This affair cost my family an entire holiday season last year and the effects continue to linger. I know that he is aware of it but are you aware of it?

 

Joie

[ladydesigner]

(((Joie))) I'm sorry the holidays were not easy, they tend to bring all this stuff back don't they?

 

I have always spent Xmas with my side of the family as my WH is of a different culture and does not celebrate Xmas. He has always let me know he was okay with this. During his LTA, every Xmas he spent with MOW as I was out of town.

 

For me the holidays too are bittersweet.

[BettyDraper]

Hello, this is my first time posting on this site. My H had an affair and told me a few months ago. We have decide to work on our marriage and stay together. With a lot of hard work and counseling things are getting better. I have decided that I don't wish to contact the other woman. I do not believe it would be helpful for anyone in the long run. However, I often times have these thoughts of what I would say to her if given the chance. I am hoping by writing them here as they come to me I will be able to let go of them.

 

 

OW,

 

I am a nice person. I am unsure if you justified the A because you thought I was a horrible person. If that is the case you are wrong. I am just a woman who loves her husband and children. Who woke up everyday and tried her best. Many times I failed. I was tired and run down. I let myself go and I could become angry. This was often a direct result of my husband and your actions. While he was spending time with you he left me to run the house, raise our children and run things day to day. While you got to be super fun time girl, I was at home holding our lives together. I blame my husband for the pain he cause me but I also blame you. You attacked something that is precious to me. I think bad thoughts about you everyday. I hope one day you are nothing but a distant memory but today in this moment I do hope feel shame for the pain you cause me.

 

BS.

 

You are far more polite than I would have been. I hope that letter helped you heal.

 

I doubt the OW cared about what kind of person you are. She was only thinking of herself. I hope she feels bitter and angry that she didn't get your husband for a long term relationship.

 

I have an unapologetic OW in my extended family. One of her children was with a married man. Her live in boyfriend was married for over 20 years when they met. I stay away from that family member as much as possible. I don't like people who have no moral center.

[Joie]

(Continuing my imaginary letters to the OW ---I have no intention of sending them. This is just an outlet to get rid of some thoughts).

 

 

OW,

 

Today I discovered that you have been evicted from your home. Tomorrow, I will recognize that smiling over another's misfortune is wrong. Tomorrow, I will remember that is not the person I want to be. But today, I can't help it. Even though I should take no joy from your loss a part of me is glad that karma is giving you a shove. Enjoy living with your parents!

 

Joie

[WasOtherWoman]

LOL, ok that was funny.

 

Hey - who can blame you for feeling this way? I would feel the same way....

[Lady2163]

Here's what I said to the OW: first, I sent her a linked in request and a FB request - just to taunt her. Three hours later I sent her a private message on FB that said "F$%*K YOU WHORE - I hope you die" … then the next day I sent her a text message that said "I guess fun time is over, huh. Thank you for helping to destroy my 26 year marriage. I f$%&*cking hate you. Fat whore." Yeah, I took the mature route, but it felt good as hell!

 

It's been a while since I've been an OW - no Dday, things just ran their course. If I received this from his wife (well, first I wouldn't accept a friend request from her), but I'd be on the phone to him saying, "control your wife or my lawyer and the police will".

 

So to all BS, I'd recommend not doing that. I know in many states and countries infidelities hold no weight in divorce court, but threatening, stalking, restraining orders, etc. won't help much.

 

I don't know how I would respond to contact from the wife. Yes, to be honest, her tears and sorrow might be wasted on me. Not because I'm hard hearted, but because I'm not the one who can make a change in her life. That rests with her husband. I'm not married to her. I'm not friends with her. Nothing I could say would make it better.

 

It's hard for me to assume. As I read this forum, I realized for the umpteenth time I don't really identify as OW anymore.

[Cloudcuckoo]

It's been a while since I've been an OW - no Dday, things just ran their course. If I received this from his wife (well, first I wouldn't accept a friend request from her), but I'd be on the phone to him saying, "control your wife or my lawyer and the police will".

 

So to all BS, I'd recommend not doing that. I know in many states and countries infidelities hold no weight in divorce court, but threatening, stalking, restraining orders, etc. won't help much.

 

I don't know how I would respond to contact from the wife. Yes, to be honest, her tears and sorrow might be wasted on me. Not because I'm hard hearted, but because I'm not the one who can make a change in her life. That rests with her husband. I'm not married to her. I'm not friends with her. Nothing I could say would make it better.

 

It's hard for me to assume. As I read this forum, I realized for the umpteenth time I don't really identify as OW anymore.

 

It is most unfortunate that the women from BOTH sides are usually not in any fit state after dday to understand that the muppet they were in competition (albeit unknowingly on the part of a wife kept in the dark like a mushroom) had been lying to them BOTH.

 

The other woman in our circumstances had a similar view to the one above, but unfortunately for both her and us, to the extreme.

 

Those ideas that my husband was going to be hers come hell or high water and that she would have my life led to a very distressing situation for her because she became obviously demented.

 

If she had given up gracefully, as I would have after giving my husband the option to leave and go to her, things might have been very different in those early times, for ALL of us.

 

It culminated in her loss of freedom and a spell incarcerated.......

[Miss Clavel]

Here's what I said to the OW: first, I sent her a linked in request and a FB request - just to taunt her. Three hours later I sent her a private message on FB that said "F$%*K YOU WHORE - I hope you die" … then the next day I sent her a text message that said "I guess fun time is over, huh. Thank you for helping to destroy my 26 year marriage. I f$%&*cking hate you. Fat whore." Yeah, I took the mature route, but it felt good as hell!

 

let it rip. lol

[Miss Clavel]

I never contacted the OW, but she did call me after I informed her husband with proof. She yelled at me and said I had no right to interfere in her life. It was surreal.

 

cray cray's be crazy.

[Sub]

I sent the OM an email after D-Day. Nothing hateful, mostly that I knew what was going on and to respect our privacy as my WW and I figured out what we were going to do. Kind of a nice way of saying "back off for a bit". He didn't respond, just messaged my W complaining about why I would do that. I left it at that. Just to show how different we are, I asked my W what she would do if the shoe was on the other foot. "Hair would be pulled. Eyes would be gouged." Ok, then.

[Arieswoman]

The only reason I wanted to know the identity of the OW was so I could put her down on the divorce petition as co-respondent. However, she did contact me after DD.

 

She sent me a strange badly-punctuated rambling letter full of very poor grammar and syntax. I think it was supposed to be an apology. I can't remember much of it as it was so long ago and I threw it on the fire after I read it.

She did write " I cry every day thinking how much you must hate me" and then "I went into this with my eyes wide open".

 

I realised at this point I was dealing with someone who " wasn't right sharp" as they say in UK.

 

As soon as I found out who her fiance was, I let him know and he promptly dumped her. She came round to the house with WS (who was no longer living with me) yelling. She kicked my car and said she was going to smash all the windows.

WS stood there like a dork while she made a fool of herself. I told him to take her away or I'd call the police. Finally she hurt her foot kicking my car and limped off and WS took her away.

I made a call to the police and they logged the incident.

 

She was quite a small person so I nick-named her "the poisoned dwarf".

 

I never saw her again after that.

[ChickiePops]

OW in my case stalked me, hacked our phones, and followed us on vacation. I have nothing to say to her but the arresting officers sure did!

 

Turns out she wasn't the only OW..just the worst one. He still begs and this all happened 7 years ago. Now I think they're both sick.

[Lady2163]

The only reason I wanted to know the identity of the OW was so I could put her down on the divorce petition as co-respondent. However, she did contact me after DD.

 

She sent me a strange badly-punctuated rambling letter full of very poor grammar and syntax. I think it was supposed to be an apology. I can't remember much of it as it was so long ago and I threw it on the fire after I read it.

She did write " I cry every day thinking how much you must hate me" and then "I went into this with my eyes wide open".

 

I realised at this point I was dealing with someone who " wasn't right sharp" as they say in UK.

 

As soon as I found out who her fiance was, I let him know and he promptly dumped her. She came round to the house with WS (who was no longer living with me) yelling. She kicked my car and said she was going to smash all the windows.

WS stood there like a dork while she made a fool of herself. I told him to take her away or I'd call the police. Finally she hurt her foot kicking my car and limped off and WS took her away.

I made a call to the police and they logged the incident.

 

She was quite a small person so I nick-named her "the poisoned dwarf".

 

I never saw her again after that.

 

Rofl....it's so wrong to laugh, but "the poisoned dwarf" is really funny.

 

I don't know that I have anything new to add. There are betrayed spouses who are Betty Broderick (Google if you don't know her case, it's fascinating) and OW who are bunny boilers.

 

I know it sounds like I'm passing the buck and not taking my fair share of the blame, I will later in the post, just not in this paragraph. But again, the potential that the WS created this mess is greatly downplayed. If he future faked with her, if he led her on, that is all on him. The possibility she may have been a bit off or had issues festering can't be ruled out. Unless you have email after email or recorded conversations during the entire affair where he adamantly refuses to leave the wife, there's no proof he didn't plan a future. Sadly, even comments like, "I wish we could go to Vegas for a weekend together" can be a breadcrumb. It is crazy making. It is sad that OW chose to believe these things and put their hopes and dreams on a lie. But, it's also sad that MM have to use those lines and create a false present and future.

 

I never had any illusions that my AP was divorcing. We didn't do a lot future faking. Occasionally we would joke about that alternative reality where we were together. I might say something like, "I wish I was one of your male friends and we could go to Vegas together." I mean, it was science fiction, way out there stuff.

 

I'm still in LC with him and it is two years after the end. I throughly like not having to keep the secret. He likes not having the stress. In the last two years we have discussed the possibility of him needing to come clean and clear his conscience. I don't think that will happen. He doesn't think that will happen. He will end up divorced, jobless, alienated from his family. It won't be clean. That is zero chance he would be able to keep my contact information secret. What he did agree was to not have it be a surprise for me. That way I could change numbers, change email, block or shut down social media. I'm long distance from them, but if I was in their city, I'd probably take off for a few days.

 

Because there just isn't much I can say to her. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty details of my sex life with her. I can apologize for my part, for being accessible, for not shutting it down sooner. I can reassure her I don't want her husband as a partner. I can admit that it was totally selfish for me. It was a matter of convenience for my current lifestyle. I didn't chase her husband, but I didn't refuse the advances.

 

But it's a fantasy to think it will be that tidy. I've accepted the end of the physical friendship and that some time has passed. This would be a raw, open wound for her.

 

If XMM were going to come clean, he knows the probable outcome. He's also someone who answers a direct question honestly. I don't think he'd gaslight her if he was confessing. So, there's only two reasons to talk to me. Confirmation- which I am loathe to do.

 

Or confrontation. I was in the military. I'm not a total badass, but I'm pretty sure I could take her physically. I wouldn't, though. After the first couple of punches I'd put her in a restraint and ask someone to call the police. If she calmed down before the police got there, then no problem. And no further contact ever.

 

But, I'm in a position to defend myself from most shall we say, normal attacks. I'm getting ready to retire, I'm financially stable, I don't have a boyfriend or fiancée. If my property started to experience damage, I could buy cameras.

 

I've said this before. If the married couple chooses to reconcile, there is only so much hatred, hostility and pain the BS can throw at the WS before the WS gives up. It doesn't mean they go running to the AP, it just means they damaged the marriage to the point it can't be fixed. Since the BS has said they want to reconcile, it is against their best interest to scream, physically harm, do property damage, get the WS fired. That is where I think the desire to hurt the Other comes from.

 

You know, it might be a little sad. Without (sometimes with) a Dday, the Other often believes the WS gets to go back to their happy life without so much as a hiccup. Conversely, there seems to be a belief when things end the Other is left unscathed.

[heartwhole]

I'm new here. I'm a betrayed spouse whose DD was almost a year ago.

 

My feelings for the OW have run the gamut. At first I was mostly confused that anyone would make choices that were so obviously not in her own best interest. My husband told me that they had feelings for each other and I was like, "But why would some single person on the other side of the world sit around pining for a married father on another continent? What am I missing?" He threw her right under the bus with a "She has really low self-esteem" explanation. She would plaster all these quotes about sorrow and God's will on her social media and I felt bad for her, that she had come to sorrow through her involvement with my family. Damn me and my empathy!

 

The anger came later, and I wrote a lot of venting letters that I'll never send, of course. I knew intellectually that the fault was my husband's, but I couldn't understand how she thought it was OK to risk the stability of two children's upbringing for the slight chance that this guy across the world would actually leave his wife, fly her over, and make all her dreams come true in a new country. I mean, really, why would somebody even want that with someone they hardly know? And what made it OK for her to so blatantly post about it for months and months and months afterward on social media? My husband opened the door to her during the affair, but now that it has been slammed shut, get some self-respect and go away already.

 

Ultimately, I realized that what was bothering me was the wishy-washy way my husband ended things. He told her that I knew and he couldn't talk to her any more, but then he posted a few things that she would understand as secret messages on social media for a few days, until all the truth came to light and the dust settled and I knew everything. Then he blocked her on everything with no further explanation. I realized that I needed HIM to tell her that he loves me, that there's no chance, that he regrets it. And unlike the beginning when there was confusion and he was mourning that relationship, he was completely out of the fog and more than willing to do that if it would help me. That gave me much more closure and peace than any kind of rambling treatise I could send her. She probably doesn't care what I have to say but she obviously cares what he has to say.

 

I know detaching is the healthiest option. My anger is directed at my husband. It's not the responsibility of other women to keep my husband faithful; it's his and his alone. Thankfully she couldn't be farther away, so her only means of hanging on is online. If she wants to pine and mourn and flaunt this great "love" that she had, I don't have to like it, but ultimately she's only hurting herself.

 

If I did have a chance to interact with her, I would say simply, "What you did wasn't OK." I would say that as a mother, not as a wife. I'm a big girl and if I have fight off other women to keep my husband, then I don't want him. But you don't roll the dice when children are involved.