What I would say to the OW....

[minimariah]

Firing back at the same level only means you've come down to her level.

 

there are no levels.

 

you WILL feel at least discomfort when being confronted or insulted by the other woman - everything else is just a deep denial.

 

i mean, you're bothered when you're being harrassed by a stranger - OF COURSE you'll be bothered when you're harrassed by someone who is damn near stalking you and knows all about you while you didn't even know about their existence two seconds ago.

 

feeling some type of way about the other woman DOES NOT mean that the other woman has power over you - it's extremely unhealthy to shut down your very natural feelings in some kind of fake effort to show off how much you allegedly don't care. it's totally okay to be hurt by someone's harrassment or harsh words.

 

and at the end of the day - what is wrong with the wife bragging? about whatever she chooses to brag? why shouldn't she brag about the things that make her happy? if she brags about nice bags and earrings (among other things) - that does NOT mean that the marriage is all about the money. you just assumed that it did.

 

also - ladydesigner wrote one sentence about her husband having his money in the same bank account as her... that's actually not about the money -- it's about a certain level of trust that you have in your spouse that he or she won't rob you and leave you broke. that's another perspective for you.

 

I am & will alway be above.

 

you aren't above anyone because we're all bleeding red under our skin - especially not above the other woman considering your own sins.

 

you don't have to feel above someone in order to grow as a person and have your confidence on. you don't have to compare yourself to anyone else.

 

Who cares what the OW says or thinks...why does her thoughts matter? will.

 

well... you obviously do.

 

you did talk to her, yeah? so clearly, you were interested and cared for what she had to say.

 

that being said - i don't understand the need to contact the other woman AT ALL... reconciling or not... i'd never and i didn't ever reach out to the other woman. that's what it looks like when you REALLY don't care about her - you don't even care enough to answer to phone when she calls you.

 

ON TOPIC -- i honestly can't help but feel that a lot of your feelings aren't real. it's been such a short time since the affairs and the damage to your relationship is huuuuuuuge and you're already beyond over it - it's kind of hard to believe. it's like you try to force some of them or try to convince yourself that you're unbothered... by your posts and the existence of this entire thread very much proves otherwise. be careful not to miss that natural and healthy point in healing where you absolutely DO care.

Edited November 22, 2015 by minimariah

[Whoknew30]

there are no levels.

 

you WILL feel at least discomfort when being confronted or insulted by the other woman - everything else is just a deep denial.

 

i mean, you're bothered when you're being harrassed by a stranger - OF COURSE you'll be bothered when you're harrassed by someone who is damn near stalking you and knows all about you while you didn't even know about their existence two seconds ago.

 

feeling some type of way about the other woman DOES NOT mean that the other woman has power over you - it's extremely unhealthy to shut down your very natural feelings in some kind of fake effort to show off how much you allegedly don't care. it's totally okay to be hurt by someone's harrassment or harsh words.

 

and at the end of the day - what is wrong with the wife bragging? about whatever she chooses to brag? why shouldn't she brag about the things that make her happy? if she brags about nice bags and earrings (among other things) - that does NOT mean that the marriage is all about the money. you just assumed that it did.

 

also - ladydesigner wrote one sentence about her husband having his money in the same bank account as her... that's actually not about the money -- it's about a certain level of trust that you have in your spouse that he or she won't rob you and leave you broke. that's another perspective for you.

 

 

 

you aren't above anyone because we're all bleeding red under our skin - especially not above the other woman considering your own sins.

 

you don't have to feel above someone in order to grow as a person and have your confidence on. you don't have to compare yourself to anyone else.

 

 

 

well... you obviously do.

 

you did talk to her, yeah? so clearly, you were interested and cared for what she had to say.

 

that being said - i don't understand the need to contact the other woman AT ALL... reconciling or not... i'd never and i didn't ever reach out to the other woman. that's what it looks like when you REALLY don't care about her - you don't even care enough to answer to phone when she calls you.

 

ON TOPIC -- i honestly can't help but feel that a lot of your feelings aren't real. it's been such a short time since the affairs and the damage to your relationship is huuuuuuuge and you're already beyond over it - it's kind of hard to believe. it's like you try to force some of them or try to convince yourself that you're unbothered... by your posts and the existence of this entire thread very much proves otherwise. be careful not to miss that natural and healthy point in healing where you absolutely DO care.

 

 

It's been 6 years since A & yes I was over it as soon as my first therapy session with my husband & I'll tell you why...I've watched cheating since a young girl with multiple people in my life. You absoulty give power to the other when you explain anything to her, you're making her matter to you. Also caring about your marriage is different than showing anything to OW, she doesn't deserve anything. I talked to OW bc I called her, after I caught my husband sleeping with the phone up to his ear & was curious to who he fell asleep talking to. I've watched for years, the wife hating OW while her husband continues to cheat. Focus should be on you as a couple, always & if WS leaves for AP there was nothing you could do to begin with.

 

Also, something bothering you is different than giving all your energy to it. Yes, I'm real. I've never been like that & I never will. I'll never stay in a low place over anyone, including my husband. I just can't & I truly don't understand when others do. you can't stop something bad happening to you But you sure can chose your reaction. Maybe not at first... But just because you get cheated doesn't mean you've lost your head & it's not your own responsibility to take care of yourself & your actions...that's a copout...one always has control over themselves & words.

[Whoknew30]

I'll add...if you want to hear. I cried for days, I was asking H where he was going & to check in all the time & wanted to see emails & phone records...no, I didn't do that. He said lets go to therapy & I said ok. After a month I went on vacation with my friends & we talked once a day. I didn't even think about what he was doing to be honest. I'll never live like that, (I have empathy towards it) but it's such a waiste of time & energy. I'm not say 5 mins later but when I read it's been 2+ years & my WS didn't call for an hour, I think that kind of crap is so self destructive. If I was living like that after 1+ I'd rather be divorced. I couldn't do as WS or BS. No way!

[purplesorrow]

I'll add...if you want to hear. I cried for days, I was asking H where he was going & to check in all the time & wanted to see emails & phone records...no, I didn't do that. He said lets go to therapy & I said ok. After a month I went on vacation with my friends & we talked once a day. I didn't even think about what he was doing to be honest. I'll never live like that, (I have empathy towards it) but it's such a waiste of time & energy. I'm not say 5 mins later but when I read it's been 2+ years & my WS didn't call for an hour, I think that kind of crap is so self destructive. If I was living like that after 1+ I'd rather be divorced. I couldn't do as WS or BS. No way!

 

Perhaps it was different because you also cheated. When you are coming from a place of how could you that, because you can't imagine doing it yourself, it is gut wrenching. It takes time to get your footing back. People have to go about it in their own way and time. Good for you that you would never do this or that. I would have never cheated as that would have been a waste to me. Everyone didn't grow up as you did. Some like myself placed a high value on trust honesty and vows. A betrayal of this magnitude can have a ripple effect in ones life. Healthy healing takes time and hard work.

[Whoknew30]

Perhaps it was different because you also cheated. When you are coming from a place of how could you that, because you can't imagine doing it yourself, it is gut wrenching. It takes time to get your footing back. People have to go about it in their own way and time. Good for you that you would never do this or that. I would have never cheated as that would have been a waste to me. Everyone didn't grow up as you did. Some like myself placed a high value on trust honesty and vows. A betrayal of this magnitude can have a ripple effect in ones life. Healthy healing takes time and hard work.

 

I agree time & hard work! On yourself & marriage (if you chose to stay) not time & hard work on things that don't matter. I probably feel like that bc I since a young age learned nothing is perfect & ive always told my friends that. If you go looking at things like perfect, you will always be disappointed & hurt. Things can be good in life & even great but nothing is ever going to to be perfect...perfection is non reality.

[Whoknew30]

Perhaps it was different because you also cheated. When you are coming from a place of how could you that, because you can't imagine doing it yourself, it is gut wrenching. It takes time to get your footing back. People have to go about it in their own way and time. Good for you that you would never do this or that. I would have never cheated as that would have been a waste to me. Everyone didn't grow up as you did. Some like myself placed a high value on trust honesty and vows. A betrayal of this magnitude can have a ripple effect in ones life. Healthy healing takes time and hard work.

 

Also...you're right, someone does have to do things their own way & time. Same being said the ripple effect in one's life is very much controlled by them. Many people all over the world face many trauma's everyday beyond their control, how one handles it, is & will always be with in their control. You either chose to let it destroy you or you don't. That blame can't ever be on other person.

[purplesorrow]

Also...you're right, someone does have to do things their own way & time. Same being said the ripple effect in one's life is very much controlled by them. Many people all over the world face many trauma's everyday beyond their control, how one handles it, is & will always be with in their control. You either chose to let it destroy you or you don't. That blame can't ever be on other person.

 

How can a betrayed control a ripple effect of finances If the ws spent all their savings? How is that in their control?

[Whoknew30]

How can a betrayed control a ripple effect of finances If the ws spent all their savings? How is that in their control?

 

Being broke does suck (been there) but if you do the right things, that doesn't last forever & money isn't everything. Is it hard, yes extremely but that's when you find out what your made of as a person. Tough times never last (only if you allow it) you fight your way through it. I filed bankruptcy when I was sick due to my medical bills (hundreds of thousands) that I could have never payed back, still a teenager, with a baby & family extremely sick. After I'd get out of the hospital, I still had to work (too proud to take government help) just to survive.all bc of a situation beyond my control. Was it easy, NOOO. Did I cry, yes...but it showed me how strong I was & years later, I'm the person I am

Bc of it. Once again, it's not what's happening to you. It's how you handle it.

[minimariah]

You absoulty give power to the other when you explain anything to her, you're making her matter to you.

 

you don't -- that's only YOUR view at the situation... throught "levels" & "power" -- it's not some kind of competition. you don't need to compete to the other woman or prove that you're somehow better than her.

 

Also caring about your marriage is different than showing anything to OW, she doesn't deserve anything.

 

sure - just like bragging about your marriage doesn't really mean that you're trying to show off to the OW... it's really JUST taking pride in things you love.

 

I talked to OW bc I called her, after I caught my husband sleeping with the phone up to his ear & was curious to who he fell asleep talking to.

 

well - why did you? why didn't you ask your husband?

 

I've watched for years, the wife hating OW while her husband continues to cheat. Focus should be on you as a couple...

 

being bothered or hurt by the OW does not mean that your focus is on her - to expect that the BS will or should be completely indifferent to the OW or the OM is actually wrong. it's normal to feel some type of way about the other person - that doesn't mean that you blame him or her, it's not that deep.

 

He said lets go to therapy & I said ok. After a month I went on vacation with my friends & we talked once a day. I didn't even think about what he was doing to be honest. I'll never live like that, (I have empathy towards it) but it's such a waiste of time & energy.

 

so you got over his affair in a month?

 

i'm sorry but it's super hard to believe in the authenticity of your marriage. it seems super forced and it seems like both of you just swept it under the rug and kept it moving. if you really love someone, no way you can get over that type of betrayal in a MONTH. it also seems like you're accepting of cheating because yoi think that you can't get anything better - nothing is perfect, people make mistakes, cheating is normal... that's what i'm getting from your posts.

 

that's why true reconciliation is SUPER RARE - it takes YEARS and years of hard work, triggers and many moments wishing you'd walk away.

 

it seems like you, in an effort to stay above the situation, just kind of... pressed forward and left it at that. i think your husband is way behind you when it comes to healing.

Edited November 22, 2015 by minimariah

[purplesorrow]

Being broke does suck (been there) but if you do the right things, that doesn't last forever & money isn't everything. Is it hard, yes extremely but that's when you find out what your made of as a person. Tough times never last (only if you allow it) you fight your way through it. I filed bankruptcy when I was sick due to my medical bills (hundreds of thousands) that I could have never payed back, still a teenager, with a baby & family extremely sick. After I'd get out of the hospital, I still had to work (too proud to take government help) just to survive.all bc of a situation beyond my control. Was it easy, NOOO. Did I cry, yes...but it showed me how strong I was & years later, I'm the person I am

Bc of it. Once again, it's not what's happening to you. It's how you handle it.

 

Ok, the fact of the matter is someone else's actions can have a big impact on your life that you have no control over. If a person reacts in a way that you think wastes time but gets them where they need to be, then it wasn't a waste for them. So glad you're in control of everything right from the start, not every one is.

[Whoknew30]

Ok, the fact of the matter is someone else's actions can have a big impact on your life that you have no control over. If a person reacts in a way that you think wastes time but gets them where they need to be, then it wasn't a waste for them. So glad you're in control of everything right from the start, not every one is.

 

I agree, other's actions can effect you but a million other things can effect you that's beyond your control also. An A doesn't cause someone to empty a bank account, people can do that without having an A. I see your husband did multiple things to you & you divorced. Now it's up to you, to regain control of your life, in your way. This hellish path could be leading you to something wonderful in the future & then you'd know you went through it to get to a better place. The choice is up to you now, how you handle everything if you go hanging on to the bad or let it go to open yourself up to the good you deserve. Good luck

[Whoknew30]

you don't -- that's only YOUR view at the situation... throught "levels" & "power" -- it's not some kind of competition. you don't need to compete to the other woman or prove that you're somehow better than her.

 

 

 

sure - just like bragging about your marriage doesn't really mean that you're trying to show off to the OW... it's really JUST taking pride in things you love.

 

 

 

well - why did you? why didn't you ask your husband?

 

 

 

being bothered or hurt by the OW does not mean that your focus is on her - to expect that the BS will or should be completely indifferent to the OW or the OM is actually wrong. it's normal to feel some type of way about the other person - that doesn't mean that you blame him or her, it's not that deep.

 

 

 

so you got over his affair in a month?

 

i'm sorry but it's super hard to believe in the authenticity of your marriage. it seems super forced and it seems like both of you just swept it under the rug and kept it moving. if you really love someone, no way you can get over that type of betrayal in a MONTH. it also seems like you're accepting of cheating because yoi think that you can't get anything better - nothing is perfect, people make mistakes, cheating is normal... that's what i'm getting from your posts.

 

that's why true reconciliation is SUPER RARE - it takes YEARS and years of hard work, triggers and many moments wishing you'd walk away.

 

it seems like you, in an effort to stay above the situation, just kind of... pressed forward and left it at that. i think your husband is way behind you when it comes to healing.

 

If you have to tell yourself, my husband does this or that for me & you got crumbs...you yourself have turned into competing. If you know you're not competing than one wouldn't even feel the need to say something like that.

 

We didn't brush anything under the rug. Why bc I didn't have endless crying bouts & I didn't call him a 100 times a day. If a person wants to cheat, there isn't anything you can do, people are going to do what they want. When he told me I want to work on it, I've known my husband long enough to know he meant it. We were in therapy for several years, both together & IC. Our therapist has said I have a very healthy way of dealing with things & am very self aware.

 

My husband was drunk when I found him passed out on the phone & wasn't thinking anyone was gonna answer when I called back The last number that was in his phone & she did. I asked who she was, we talked & that was the last time I talked to her.

 

My marriage was having problems way before A, the A's were just bc of our bigger problems, so we chose to focus on what got us to that point. Which is exactly what we needed to do. I think that's were couples make their mistakes instead of focusing on what caused the A, they focus on the A itself & ignore what got them & IMO that's the most important part.thats why true, reconciliation is rare, once affairs happen most truly don't focus on the things that got one to that point.

 

As for getting better, what is better? I know I can get another man if I want, but I've put too much time into my marriage. My whole adult life has been with my H & no one could ever compare to our history. We've gone through every adult experience together, since even before I graduated from highschool. That's why we chose to work on it & we're happy we did.

[purplesorrow]

I agree, other's actions can effect you but a million other things can effect you that's beyond your control also. An A doesn't cause someone to empty a bank account, people can do that without having an A. I see your husband did multiple things to you & you divorced. Now it's up to you, to regain control of your life, in your way. This hellish path could be leading you to something wonderful in the future & then you'd know you went through it to get to a better place. The choice is up to you now, how you handle everything if you go hanging on to the bad or let it go to open yourself up to the good you deserve. Good luck

 

We are on an infidelity board discussing how an affair can affect ones life. Yes, in some cases the ws was also financially dishonest during their affair. And who said my life isn't in control? Just because an affair wasn't a big deal to you doesn't mean it isn't big to others in the context of their lives. Stop minimizing what people are going through. You have no idea how their lives have been affected.

[Whoknew30]

We are on an infidelity board discussing how an affair can affect ones life. Yes, in some cases the ws was also financially dishonest during their affair. And who said my life isn't in control? Just because an affair wasn't a big deal to you doesn't mean it isn't big to others in the context of their lives. Stop minimizing what people are going through. You have no idea how their lives have been affected.

 

I'm not minimizing anything. All I'm saying is yes, A suck & you have a bad time & you move on. This is a board to hear everyone's thoughts & that is mine. You don't have to like it & I don't have to like your ideas on it. Not everyone on this board is going to agree with everything. That's what IC is for.

[purplesorrow]

I'm not minimizing anything. All I'm saying is yes, A suck & you have a bad time & you move on. This is a board to hear everyone's thoughts & that is mine. You don't have to like it & I don't have to like your ideas on it. Not everyone on this board is going to agree with everything. That's what IC is for.

 

It's you telling others they are wasting time on certain things. Or they are insecure because they react a certain way. That an affair isn't the worse thing to happen. Most are here just to vent.

[Whoknew30]

It's you telling others they are wasting time on certain things. Or they are insecure because they react a certain way. That an affair isn't the worse thing to happen. Most are here just to vent.

 

Certain reactions do come from insecurity or one wouldn't have acted that way. All I'm saying is no matter what happens in life, good or bad...you get chose what actions you take & where you put your energy & time. If you post & don't want to hear others thoughts, then you should be posting more on a site like whisper to where you don't get feed back.

[purplesorrow]

Certain reactions do come from insecurity or one wouldn't have acted that way. All I'm saying is no matter what happens in life, good or bad...you get chose what actions you take & where you put your energy & time. If you post & don't want to hear others thoughts, then you should be posting more on a site like whisper to where you don't get feed back.

 

You should be following this yourself.

[Whoknew30]

You should be following this yourself.

 

If one doesn't like what another says, it's their problem. Not the person that's saying it.

[purplesorrow]

If one doesn't like what another says, it's their problem. Not the person that's saying it.

 

I think you wrongly assume you've affected me in some way. You haven't. I think for myself and always have. I merely pointed out that your truth isn't everyone else's. There is no need for you to criticize how others chose to cope because it doesn't match what you did. I respect that you do what is best for you.

[Whoknew30]

I think you wrongly assume you've affected me in some way. You haven't. I think for myself and always have. I merely pointed out that your truth isn't everyone else's. There is no need for you to criticize how others chose to cope because it doesn't match what you did. I respect that you do what is best for you.

 

I think youre assuming what I mean or what I think. I didn't say what I said affected you. I didn't criticize anyone. Saying we all have control over our own actions & what we chose to focus on no matter what happens in life, isn't criticizing anything. That's your take, not mine. When you read any post from a BS or WS & they say they can't help something that they did or doing, I'll never agree with that. You always have control over how you handle something, feeling a certain way & actions are different things & no matter what a partner has done, you always have control over yourself. If you interpret that as criticizing, that's your interpretation, not mine.

[katielee]

WK - you really need to re-read your posts. You said to me "you are so insecure" simply because I do things differently than yourself. That was pretty critical. You asked for responses, we gave it to you and then you proceeded to say why your way was best and criticize the rest of us for not seeing it your way.

I don't recall a lot of discussion on how people can't control themselves either. I see them as living with a cruddy situation as best they can.

[Whoknew30]

WK - you really need to re-read your posts. You said to me "you are so insecure" simply because I do things differently than yourself. That was pretty critical. You asked for responses, we gave it to you and then you proceeded to say why your way was best and criticize the rest of us for not seeing it your way.

I don't recall a lot of discussion on how people can't control themselves either. I see them as living with a cruddy situation as best they can.

 

That's not criticizing, it's logic. Like when my h ExAP took off running when she saw me why I was with my best friend. She ran bc she felt insecure, she embarrassed herself, I felt bad for her. She didn't have to do that, she made a wrong choice & shouldn't feel years later, she still needs to pay for it.

 

People don't have to actually say "I can't control myself" to be able to comprehend they can't. One post about the woman looking through things over & over again years after the fact, well isn't that showing she can't? I go by what someone writes & is saying, not assumptions & to be really honest, that's why I didn't run when I saw my ExAP, I saw how it looked when OW did it, it wasn't honorable. It was kind of pathetic looking & as a fellow human, didn't make me feel good at to see someone go through that.

 

Also if you look at my post, there's all kind of things being said. I'm sick, my marriage is doomed. I personally don't care about that, all it does is make me feel better I don't feel that way & I don't carry those jaded thoughts around.

[unspeakablepain]

Here's what I said to the OW: first, I sent her a linked in request and a FB request - just to taunt her. Three hours later I sent her a private message on FB that said "F$%*K YOU WHORE - I hope you die" … then the next day I sent her a text message that said "I guess fun time is over, huh. Thank you for helping to destroy my 26 year marriage. I f$%&*cking hate you. Fat whore." Yeah, I took the mature route, but it felt good as hell!

[merrmeade]

... my ExAP took off running when she saw me why I was with my best friend ... bc she felt insecure, she embarrassed herself, I felt bad for her.

 

...

 

I go by what someone writes & is saying, not assumptions ...

how do you know why she ran? Did you ask her? And you don't make assumptions?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Truly....I would not say one word to the other woman. Not one. It would prove nothing...it would accomplish nothing.

 

Too much time has past....I am way beyond this.