What I would say to the OW....

[Cloudcuckoo]

I didn't say anything to the woman my husband had a 4 year affair with. He'd already told me enough that I had a pretty good idea of what kind of person she might be.

 

Did I get proof that what he had told me was the truth? Yes.

 

I sat back and watched her go off like a box of fireworks!! She contacted me calling me all the vile things she could muster without swearing. I found it so hilarious she put the phone down on me.

 

We had years of silliness, but eventually she must have just fizzled out to nothing because that was exactly what she got from me/us. ....NOTHING....

 

Something that is so desperate and insecure is simply rotten inside and out. Nothing much to say to that, although I did feel sorry for her fleetingly.

Edited November 5, 2015 by Cloudcuckoo

[Joie]

Writing what I wish I could say was very therapeutic last time so I am going to place my thoughts here....

 

OW,

 

You are still in my thoughts but there are days like today that I go back and forth on whether to hate you or thank you. I am grateful to have my husband back. You did not cause the underlying problems in our marriage. However, his time with you allowed me to see how far apart our marriage had grown. After Dday my husband had a choice to be with you. I am sure you tell yourself that he is staying with me for the children or for the money. These things are not true. I would never take his children from him and I don't need his money. I asked him to take some time and decide what he wanted. He picked me. He realized that our love was still there and while it was dwindling the fire could be reignited. While I would give anything to have found our joy with one another again without your involvement I can still be happy that the end result is that my husband is back.

 

Joie

[ladydesigner]

Writing what I wish I could say was very therapeutic last time so I am going to place my thoughts here....

 

OW,

 

You are still in my thoughts but there are days like today that I go back and forth on whether to hate you or thank you. I am grateful to have my husband back. You did not cause the underlying problems in our marriage. However, his time with you allowed me to see how far apart our marriage had grown. After Dday my husband had a choice to be with you. I am sure you tell yourself that he is staying with me for the children or for the money. These things are not true. I would never take his children from him and I don't need his money. I asked him to take some time and decide what he wanted. He picked me. He realized that our love was still there and while it was dwindling the fire could be reignited. While I would give anything to have found our joy with one another again without your involvement I can still be happy that the end result is that my husband is back.

 

Joie

 

I love the bolded! MOW said similar things to me. She told me why my WH was staying with me um okay.

 

Guess who sleeps in MY bed every night and still has sex with me? Yep my H

 

Guess who takes his time out now to take me out on date nights? My H

 

Guess who puts his money in the same bank account as me? My H

 

Guess who buys me the diamond earrings and fancy handbags? My H

 

Even if he were to sneak out with her for an hour during his day, that is what she is getting, a measly 1 hour romp in the hay and some quick conversation

[Lois_Griffin]

You are still in my thoughts but there are days like today that I go back and forth on whether to hate you or thank you. I am grateful to have my husband back. You did not cause the underlying problems in our marriage. However, his time with you allowed me to see how far apart our marriage had grown. After Dday my husband had a choice to be with you. I am sure you tell yourself that he is staying with me for the children or for the money. These things are not true. I would never take his children from him and I don't need his money. I asked him to take some time and decide what he wanted. He picked me. He realized that our love was still there and while it was dwindling the fire could be reignited. While I would give anything to have found our joy with one another again without your involvement I can still be happy that the end result is that my husband is back.Joie

 

That's a new take on things - being grateful that he 'chose' you.

 

One would think your husband should be the grateful one because you didn't kick his cheating ass to the curb on D-Day and turn him into a Disney Daddy.

 

I also think it's terribly naïve to believe that finances and becoming an every other weekend father didn't figure into his decision to stay, because it did. He may tell you it didn't, but it did.

 

You seriously need to stop giving this guy so much gratitude for 'choosing' you.

[Whoknew30]

I love the bolded! MOW said similar things to me. She told me why my WH was staying with me um okay.

 

Guess who sleeps in MY bed every night and still has sex with me? Yep my H

 

Guess who takes his time out now to take me out on date nights? My H

 

Guess who puts his money in the same bank account as me? My H

 

Guess who buys me the diamond earrings and fancy handbags? My H

 

Even if he were to sneak out with her for an hour during his day, that is what she is getting, a measly 1 hour romp in the hay and some quick conversation

 

I think this is sad. A wife having to brag to another woman that she's getting sex & jewelry from a man that put her in that postion to begin with, those things are cheaper than divorce & don't mean anything long term. I've been married for a long time & my husband & I had a very tough patch to were we both cheated on each other. The ow/Om was never the factor, it was our marriage problems that were the problem long before he or myself stepped over that boundary. Unless the other person (as in that one woman saying the ow showed up at the kids school) is illegally harassing you, then you pay them no attention. I've seen the woman my husband had his affair with & I can

Honestly say, I don't have one ounce of bad feelings towards her, she wasn't the problem, if I would have ever focused on her, instead of what actually led to it, our marriage would have never survived.

[66Charger]

No way should you send that letter.

I agree it makes you look bad

Its.shows no strength.

Slap your husband for putting you in a position where you have to even consider sending such garbage.

[seren]

Me and H are together and very much in love over 7 years despite the A, we have been together 28 years or so. H told me he had been having an A and my whole world blew up. Like many of us BS I never saw it coming, if you had told me Elvis was mowing my lawn I would have given it better odds than H having an A. I asked just 2 questions of H, did he love her and did he want to be with her. I also told him I would help unravel our marriage and finances if he wanted to leave. Like many, he begged to stay, he didn't have to beg, once I understood the why's of it, not as an excuse but as an understanding I wanted nothing to do with the OW.

 

However, she wanted plenty to do with me, I was accused of stopping him contacting her, stopping him from leaving, stopping him from speaking to her. The kicker was that she knew him and that he would never do those things. Thing is, I knew him and knew that his conflict avoidance was exactly how he would deal with things. I had so many thoughts and emotions that I didn't know what to do with, I had a very high pressure job, recovery from cancer and my H's PTSD to learn to manage, then on top of it all an OW ringing me at all times. H was on camp (military) during the week, he was just getting help with severe combat stress and PTSD and I had this angry, sad, woman doing drive by's, silent calls and all manner of stuff. It was a mad, bad time.

 

I started a journal and I wrote, I wrote all my feelings down, my hurt, my anger and many, many letters to the OW. I needed to understand how anyone could have a part in my hurt, there was no blame for the A, but there was total confusion as to why an anonymous person who had never, ever met me could have such a screwed vision of me and what my life was like. I spoke to her, I asked her if H had said those things, she said he said X,Y or Z and I asked did he mean X.Y or Z and she admitted NO, that was what she thought.

 

I asked if the A had been romantic, did he tell her he loved her, she said no, I asked if he had discussed them moving in together, selling our home, running off with his pension etc, she said no this was what she had thought the future was. I then asked if she loved him and she said yes. I felt so, so sorry for her. I understood that what was said wasn't what was heard. My talks with H confirmed all this. I couldn't hate her, but I could hate the role of the OW and her actions in my journal and so I wrote. Later, some 2 years later when I had no more need for the journal I burnt it. It was symbolic and that is what your letter writing is. It is a means to get it all down, to vent, to rage and to cry, but never to send and that is perfectly normal.

 

As an aside, I helped her escape domestic violence, yet she still did the silent phone calls, the nasty, vitrolic name calling and I realised that this was her way of blaming someone for the mess her life was. H was in a mess with PTSD so I sorted it all out. I thought I was going crazy at times, but my journal kept me sane. I think what peed her off the most was that I wasn't broken, unattractive, was succesful professionaly, dressed well and loved life, nothing like the image she had imagined and neither was she who I had imagined. Nor was the A what I imagined A's to be. I thought they involved dinners, romance, love, but no, it was all very tawdry, I wrote all that down.

 

Write, do whatever helps you on this horrible journey, then when you no longer need to, get rid of it. Now, with hindsight and for those OW I have got to know and like, I cannot understand how or why anyone would knowingly be with someone who was married and with someone else. I would say, come back when you aren't sleeping with, lying to and sharing a life with another who loves you, because despite what is often said, to keep the A lie going at home, the married person will still be doing everythng they have always done, it's why we make excuses for their behaviour, we imagine stress, illness, but rarely an A, simply because we are made to feel loved and so we love back and wait for them to let us know what is going on. Don't enable that, demand exclusivity, demand respect and if actions don't match words, leave them to it. Everyone deserves informed choice based on truth, both the BS and the OW/OM, the rest is just lies and fantasy.

 

Insomnia has me visit here and it never changes, same stories over and over. It is just sad.

Edited November 20, 2015 by seren

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Writing what I wish I could say was very therapeutic last time so I am going to place my thoughts here....

 

OW,

 

You are still in my thoughts but there are days like today that I go back and forth on whether to hate you or thank you. I am grateful to have my husband back. You did not cause the underlying problems in our marriage. However, his time with you allowed me to see how far apart our marriage had grown. After Dday my husband had a choice to be with you. I am sure you tell yourself that he is staying with me for the children or for the money. These things are not true. I would never take his children from him and I don't need his money. I asked him to take some time and decide what he wanted. He picked me. He realized that our love was still there and while it was dwindling the fire could be reignited. While I would give anything to have found our joy with one another again without your involvement I can still be happy that the end result is that my husband is back.

 

Joie

 

I suggest that you keep writing, but do not send any letters to the OW for now. Just write for the therapeutic benefits.

 

You said you found out a few months ago. See how you you feel in another 3 months. 6 months. I don't think you will feel the same way.

 

I don't find your letter believable. You mention thanking her, and "found our joy...again", etc. I will never thank the AP, and it took me years to find Joy.

 

"He picked me". Think about that statement.

 

I don't know if you are still shock/denial, or just trying to put a stoic facade for the OW. Either way, best wishes for you.

[Furious]

Writing what I wish I could say was very therapeutic last time so I am going to place my thoughts here....

 

OW,

 

You are still in my thoughts but there are days like today that I go back and forth on whether to hate you or thank you. I am grateful to have my husband back. You did not cause the underlying problems in our marriage. However, his time with you allowed me to see how far apart our marriage had grown. After Dday my husband had a choice to be with you. I am sure you tell yourself that he is staying with me for the children or for the money. These things are not true. I would never take his children from him and I don't need his money. I asked him to take some time and decide what he wanted. He picked me. He realized that our love was still there and while it was dwindling the fire could be reignited. While I would give anything to have found our joy with one another again without your involvement I can still be happy that the end result is that my husband is back.

 

Joie

 

 

A cheating husband picks no one but himself.

 

The triangular foundation is built on deceit and assumptions by those in the affair and the essential effort to keep the betrayed spouse in the dark. The irony is that the affair partners are keeping the betrayed spouse in the dark for different reasons and outcomes and it comes to light when d-day hits.

 

The unravelling, the questions, the assumptions, the words, the actions and non actions, the hurt, the emotional toll, the dissection, the quest for truth is a huge endeavour for all three in the triangle.

 

How does one wrap their mind around the complexity of dissecting motives, character, betrayal, and trying to understand how to keep sane in the midst of it all.

 

Unfortunately, the betrayed spouse is the last to know in a triangular game they had no knowledge of, and it's a catch up race to wrap their mind around it while in shock. Not a good position to be in, while doing a postmortem on the reality they were denied. The paradox is once d-day hits and the ensuing weeks, months and years all three in the triangle struggle to make sense of it.

 

In the end, each of us are responsible for our own actions and character and no amount debate or reasoning can change someone else. Some feel remorse, some change, some grow and learn from it...but just as many don't.

 

Human nature is complex and often people do things that conflicts with how they wish to be treated and treat others.

[ladydesigner]

I think this is sad. A wife having to brag to another woman that she's getting sex & jewelry from a man that put her in that postion to begin with, those things are cheaper than divorce & don't mean anything long term. I've been married for a long time & my husband & I had a very tough patch to were we both cheated on each other. The ow/Om was never the factor, it was our marriage problems that were the problem long before he or myself stepped over that boundary. Unless the other person (as in that one woman saying the ow showed up at the kids school) is illegally harassing you, then you pay them no attention. I've seen the woman my husband had his affair with & I can

Honestly say, I don't have one ounce of bad feelings towards her, she wasn't the problem, if I would have ever focused on her, instead of what actually led to it, our marriage would have never survived.

 

You just took only one part of just a few things that I listed and made it the ONLY thing spoken about.

 

MOW got thrown under the bus so many times I'm actually not sure what her incentive was for staying with my WH. I at least have the lifestyle right now and my WH's attention. I was pointing out that the MOW was getting breadcrumbs.

 

And MOW was a factor in our M falling apart if not solely on my WH because I for the life of me was the only one holding our M together. You can think they are not a factor, but I think they are. It's a difference of opinion.

 

Your post was offensive.

[ladydesigner]

I suggest that you keep writing, but do not send any letters to the OW for now. Just write for the therapeutic benefits.

 

You said you found out a few months ago. See how you you feel in another 3 months. 6 months. I don't think you will feel the same way.

 

I don't find your letter believable. You mention thanking her, and "found our joy...again", etc. I will never thank the AP, and it took me years to find Joy.

 

"He picked me". Think about that statement.

 

I don't know if you are still shock/denial, or just trying to put a stoic facade for the OW. Either way, best wishes for you.

 

I agree with the above.

 

While I too am uncertain about the "Joy" part because it has taken me at least 3 years to get to joy and I don't thank my WH or MOW for that, I thank myself.

 

Plus Joie is posting her thoughts here instead of sending to the OW:

 

Writing what I wish I could say

[Jersey born raised]

The other person always has a debt that needs collecting. They are the one who jumped up and down shouting pick me ! Pick me ! They are the one who choose to try to solve the problem of their sad life by inflicting devastation on another.

 

The adulterer chose to go down that path. They are the one who broke vows. So to bottom line it,

 

The other person is in the 4th circle of hell, the adultor is in the 7th circle. Both belong in hell.

 

The fact they are in hell, not my concern. I've moved on.

[Whoknew30]

You just took only one part of just a few things that I listed and made it the ONLY thing spoken about.

 

MOW got thrown under the bus so many times I'm actually not sure what her incentive was for staying with my WH. I at least have the lifestyle right now and my WH's attention. I was pointing out that the MOW was getting breadcrumbs.

 

And MOW was a factor in our M falling apart if not solely on my WH because I for the life of me was the only one holding our M together. You can think they are not a factor, but I think they are. It's a difference of opinion.

 

Your post was offensive.

 

Sorry you're offended, not my intention. I just think of marriage more than a nice lifestyle. That just wouldn't even be a factor for me to try & save a marriage. That's just me, it just sounded sad that a wife that is trying reconnect to her husband is thinking like that.

[ladydesigner]

Sorry you're offended, not my intention. I just think of marriage more than a nice lifestyle. That just wouldn't even be a factor for me to try & save a marriage. That's just me, it just sounded sad that a wife that is trying reconnect to her husband is thinking like that.

 

Well right now it's smart and I do have my ducks in a row. Im not really trying to reconnect as much as my WH is but we shall see.

[Whoknew30]

Well right now it's smart and I do have my ducks in a row. Im not really trying to reconnect as much as my WH is but we shall see.

 

See how everyone is different. Neither is wrong or right to what we're willing g to deal with. You'd be horrified to still have good feelings for your ExAP & I'd be horrified to be in a postion to put up with things I don't want to for financial reasons. No wrong or right, just different personalities & situations.

[ladydesigner]

See how everyone is different. Neither is wrong or right to what we're willing g to deal with. You'd be horrified to still have good feelings for your ExAP & I'd be horrified to be in a postion to put up with things I don't want to for financial reasons. No wrong or right, just different personalities & situations.

 

 

Absolutely agree with this!

 

Then also not judge my decision with my M like you previous did.

 

Honestly you sound just like MOW in our situation.

[Whoknew30]

Absolutely agree with this!

 

Then also not judge my decision with my M like you previous did.

 

Honestly you sound just like MOW in our situation.

 

I truly wasn't judging. I just think any woman in any situation is more than finances...& if that's the postion your husband has put you in (to feel thats what a marriage is) is sad.

[ladydesigner]

I truly wasn't judging. I just think any woman in any situation is more than finances...& if that's the postion your husband has put you in (to feel thats what a marriage is) is sad.

 

Well I'm not sad and that is all that matters

[Raena]

I suggest that you keep writing, but do not send any letters to the OW for now. Just write for the therapeutic benefits.

 

You said you found out a few months ago. See how you you feel in another 3 months. 6 months. I don't think you will feel the same way.

 

I don't find your letter believable. You mention thanking her, and "found our joy...again", etc. I will never thank the AP, and it took me years to find Joy.

 

"He picked me". Think about that statement.

 

I don't know if you are still shock/denial, or just trying to put a stoic facade for the OW. Either way, best wishes for you.

 

^^ This.

 

I think it is very therapeutic for you to write out your feelings and thoughts... to the OW, to your husband or just to yourself. What you MUST do though while writing is to be honest with yourself. Have you really found joy? Did he really "pick" you? Your feelings and thoughts will change but don't close yourself off to the truth about what you are thinking and feeling. Don't sweep it under the rug. Why not write a letter to your husband too about what he did to you. After all, he's the one who did this to your marriage.

 

You don't have to write it out on here to be picked apart by people like me (and others) but you should get it all out. All of it. The ugly truth of your feelings. I did that. For the past 2 years I've written and written. I started a letter to her and I've added to it as I needed to. I also wrote pages upon pages upon pages about myself and my part in all of it. I analyzed who he is and why he would do such horrendous things to me or to allow another woman to treat me the way he did. I had this need to get to the bottom of it all. Not to save my relationship with him but to understand myself better. Him I was done with the moment he told me he slept with her. That was the final straw in a toxic relationship.

 

Do what YOU need to do to get it off your chest but be brutally honest with yourself. You aren't healing if you aren't dealing with the entire truth of it all.

[Ladyjane14]

Hello, this is my first time posting on this site. My H had an affair and told me a few months ago. We have decide to work on our marriage and stay together. With a lot of hard work and counseling things are getting better. I have decided that I don't wish to contact the other woman. I do not believe it would be helpful for anyone in the long run. However, I often times have these thoughts of what I would say to her if given the chance. I am hoping by writing them here as they come to me I will be able to let go of them.

 

 

OW,

 

I am a nice person. I am unsure if you justified the A because you thought I was a horrible person. If that is the case you are wrong. I am just a woman who loves her husband and children. Who woke up everyday and tried her best. Many times I failed. I was tired and run down. I let myself go and I could become angry. This was often a direct result of my husband and your actions. While he was spending time with you he left me to run the house, raise our children and run things day to day. While you got to be super fun time girl, I was at home holding our lives together. I blame my husband for the pain he cause me but I also blame you. You attacked something that is precious to me. I think bad thoughts about you everyday. I hope one day you are nothing but a distant memory but today in this moment I do hope feel shame for the pain you cause me.

 

BS.

 

Never give an OW the satisfaction of knowing that she's hurt you. They ENJOY your pain. It's the drama they live for. It's validation for their existence. Total NC. Leave her stewing. Give her nothing.

 

Think of it this way... she has the same tools in her emotional toolbox that you do. She knows what hurts. She's not a man... lost in the woods of emotional information'; told he's a pussy any time he has feelings. She knows the PAIN she's caused you. Give her nothing.

[minimariah]

I think this is sad.

 

did we read the same post...?

 

this is a woman who is trying to stand tall and confident when she's being harrassed and attacked by the other woman. defending yourself and feeling some type of way about the OW does not mean that you aren't focused on your marriage and on the problems that led to the affair in the first place.

 

it simply means you're firing back with the same ammo that the other woman is using.

 

i find it much more sadder when the other woman has the need to tell the wife WHY did her husband cheat on her as some form of pathetic revenge for ending up as a sore loser.

Edited November 21, 2015 by minimariah

[Raena]

I just realized that I didn't indicate in my post that I don't think you should tell the ow anything. I'm assuming you are writing this stuff to help YOU, not to actually send it to her right?

[ladydesigner]

did we read the same post...?

 

this is a woman who is trying to stand tall and confident when she's being harrassed and attacked by the other woman. defending yourself and feeling some type of way about the OW does not mean that you aren't focused on your marriage and on the problems that led to the affair in the first place.

 

it simply means you're firing back with the same ammo that the other woman is using.

 

i find it much more sadder when the other woman has the need to tell the wife WHY did her husband cheat on her as some form of pathetic revenge for ending up as a sore loser.

 

Thank you for stating this more eloquently than I would have. I had to go back to my post and read again

[Whoknew30]

did we read the same post...?

 

this is a woman who is trying to stand tall and confident when she's being harrassed and attacked by the other woman. defending yourself and feeling some type of way about the OW does not mean that you aren't focused on your marriage and on the problems that led to the affair in the first place.

 

it simply means you're firing back with the same ammo that the other woman is using.

 

i find it much more sadder when the other woman has the need to tell the wife WHY did her husband cheat on her as some form of pathetic revenge for ending up as a sore loser.

 

Firing back at the same level only means you've come down to her level. I won't ever feel on her level bc when it comes to my husband, I'm not. I am & will alway be above. & they're all losers in the situation. Husband, wife & AP, no matter the triangle. I talked my husband's OW like an adult, if she would have started saying rude things...well that's what there is a end button on a phone for, deleted button on text & email. Like I said , fighting for your marriage & fighting over your spouse are different. I won't fight over anyone, ever. Who cares what the OW says or thinks...why does her thoughts matter? In my world, OW has no power...never have, never will.

[Joie]

To be clear I am not planning on sending the letters. These are just my random thoughts on any given day.

 

I am happy and grateful my husband chose to stay. I am sure our children factored into his decision because he had to decide if he wanted to be part of this family or start a new family on his own. But I do not think he is staying for the children. Before my husband decided to stay I had to decide what I wanted. Did I want to be here. I still love him so my choice was clear. However, there was no guarantee that he still loved me or wanted to stay. I think the fact that he is working hard everyday to be a good husband is something positive that came out of this horrible situation. I do not think I am in denial. My life isn't sunshine and roses. We are still working through a lot of things and I am obviously still upset or I wouldn't be posting on this website.