Best way to handle situation with my M.I.L?

[moimeme]

A stranger - Thinkalot still has that status, unfortunately - asking them about their behaviour may be like a cold shower?

 

That's just it - she's the 'outsider' in the family anyway - that's how daughters-in-law are often regarded, but the fact of her being daughter-in-law is a very different dynamic. Wait until you're one, Curly, and you'll see what I mean. It would look to them like she's being critical. It would bother her husband and annoy them. Nothing would be gained.

 

To me, putting things out in the open is very important, because, like I said, if there is any missunderstaning, that's the perfect occasion to clear it out and have a nice, open, normal relationship.

 

I believe that silance can be 10 times harder to bear. IT's a punishment. i believe that my firs solution is the coldest, because it means that Thinkalot is giving up on them and on the chance of ever having a close relationship with them. I have a hard time giving up, I guess .

 

This isn't about winning. Nor is it about 'giving up' per se. It's a more adult solution - acknowledge that no matter how much one may wish life or people would change, there are times they simply will not. It really is banging one's own head against a brick wall - completely counterproductive and usually you come out the worse for it.

 

Did you read that saying I posted?

 

Courage to change the things you can change

Serenity to accept the things you cannot change

AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

 

It's a very important piece of knowledge to acquire. In fact, it's one of the keys to growing up, I believe - understanding that sometimes the world will simply not behave the way you'd like it to

[CurlyIam]

Moi, maybe you are giving indeed the best solution. But it's too hard for me. I know that I won't be able to do it.

 

Your solution is the solution of a saint. I am not a saint, I can't do it. I am human, I love, I hate, I get very enthousiastic, I cry at all the wrong moments and lough when it's not proper to.

 

My last bf totally took me in his family. I was no DIL, of course, but I think it's the closest I could have been. They were very much the perfect family in law. I mean it.

 

You say that it looks as if she were being critical. Well... she actually is, LOL! She's actually throwing their behaviour in their face. And hubby has nothing to complain about, because Thinkalot does have a relationship with his family. She's not a stranger anymore.

 

I think that I agree to disagree with you on this point. As I said, she has 2 choices. The trick is to wholeheartedly chose one way. Completely. Totally. With the less pain and grief as possible. I'm being honest with myself. I know that I could not stand to be treated this way. And maybe I'd cause a stirr and a fight and make everyone feel uncomfortable.

 

The truth is, that I already feel uncomfortable. They would better too. They'd better be damn embarassed, because it is very much embarassing not to come with a wedding gift in the first place. IT's about common sense and decency.

 

 

Moi, the MIL will keep up with it. She'll keep on being the dramma queen. She'll keep humiliting Thinkalot. If Thinkalot can bring herself not to care, that problem solved. But she has to be strong enough to do it. Look at her, moi. She's not. She's tearing up inside because of it. Let's stop playing "pretend". She cares. She cares a LOT!

 

I'd care. I let no one walk all over me only because they're related to my husband. Compromise means that both parties are making concessions. Where's the MIL concession? Why did she come at all if she brought no gift, she said no word to her? For the attention.

 

I believe that the MIL seeks her own way of revenge. IT should be on the FIL, but unfortunatelly, Thinkalot will do juuuust fine:). Thinkalot is the proverbial sacrificed lamb. The question here is: "can she help it?"

[moimeme]

Your solution is the solution of a saint. I am not a saint, I can't do it. I am human, I love, I hate, I get very enthousiastic, I cry at all the wrong moments and lough when it's not proper to.

 

No it's not Curly. It's the solution of a grownup who understands that feelings are not always based on anything other than whether you've eaten enough or your baggage or if your hormones are in good shape and therefore understands that you don't just go with them all the time.

 

What if your boss treats you badly? You shriek in his face? Get revenge? No. You have to understand and accept that people have issues and those issues cause them to behave in less-than-ideal ways. Just as you yourself have issues.

Moi, the MIL will keep up with it. She'll keep on being the dramma queen. She'll keep humiliting Thinkalot.

 

And here's your problem. She is not 'humiliating Thinkalot'. You see, you interpret the lady's behaviour as a deliberate slight. That she's done it on purpose to hurt Thinkalot. She's just so much behind her own issues she's not able to have empathy for Thinkalot just as you are not able to have empathy for this lady. See how it works? If you only look at others through your own lens, you never climb outside your own ego. Imagine you being at a party on the other side of the world with someone you hate. You just yourself said you act on your own feelings yet you condemn these people for doing the same thing! Why is it fine for you but not for them???

 

If Thinkalot can bring herself not to care, that problem solved. But she has to be strong enough to do it. Look at her, moi. She's not. She's tearing up inside because of it. Let's stop playing "pretend". She cares. She cares a LOT!

 

Fine. That's just fine. People care a lot about a lot of things but that doesn't give them leave to go and act it out. If you are furious with someone, can you punch them out? If you're madly in love with someone who isn't in love with you, can you strip off their clothes and hump them? Your emotions are your responsibility and you don't foist them on others, nor do you insist that others behave to your standards. Life does NOT work that way.

 

I'd care. I let no one walk all over me only because they're related to my husband.

 

Again, this is not deliberate.

 

Compromise means that both parties are making concessions. Where's the MIL concession?

 

You're missing my point, Curly. PEOPLE WILL NOT ALL BEHAVE PERFECTLY ALL THE TIME. And often it's because they have their own screwed up minds. And that's how life is. And getting yourself all tied in knots over these things is pointless, futile, and doomed to failure. You can be in a snit, demand they behave differently, rage, cry, or do a thousand other things and in the end, THEY WILL NOT CHANGE and you will have just frustrated yourself and everyone else and ended up with the same situation except you've hurt a lot of feelings. And, trust me on this, you'll end up feeling much worse when that happens. So the best choice is to keep the trap shut and find something else on this planet to think about because the world is full of wonders and focusing on the things you don't like will just poison you.

[CurlyIam]

You know what I find surreal? I think we're blowing this out of proportions. Hell, it's not the end of the world if she confronts them.

 

IT's less than a 15 minutes talk. The MIL won't offend them to death if the DIL dares speaking her mind, they aren't some higher spiritual guides. They're humans, they're more than their role of MIL and SIL. I doubt they'll hold a grudge against her till the day she dies and if there's someone to hold a grudge, than that person in Thinkalot, not the MIL!

 

I believe that it is indeed an important moment. But not paramount and - moi, how do I translate - "insurmontable"?. It's a little gesture, a little sign, a small talk over coffee. Yes, deep meanings over it, but there's no need to transform it in a tragedy. It's just a talk. That's all. And it can make a very big difference.

 

My 2 cents, anyway.

[moimeme]

Curly. Someday you'll be married. You'll understand how these things work.

 

Anyway, now you're contradicting yourself. You've spent a couple thousand words on it - why? Precisely because you don't think it's a little thing.

 

And trust me, it won't be.

 

You have to learn to let things go if you plan to succeed in any sort of career. Because of all the places life won't go the way you want, the workplace is the most likely one and the one where you have to put up with it the most.

[CurlyIam]

I don't ask no one to behave prefectly with me at all times. IF my boss screams and yells at me, I will probably point the fact that I understand very well French and will either ignore him or report him. In either case, it's an authority figure. That is given by the job. The MIL doesn't have that. We're speaking equals here. And respect is demanded by both sides.

 

I believe that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You say that they didn't do it on purpose? Are they not accustomed to the tradional wedding procedures? Go, smile, congratulate the bride and the groom, give the wedding present or at least the wedding card and leave.

 

 

Nope, I don't think this equals to a "change" in their behaviour. If you allow people to lack you in respect, they will. As I see it, this specific situation is about common curtesy, about being well educated. That's all. No biggie.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by moimeme

Anyway, now you're contradicting yourself. You've spent a couple thousand words on it - why? Precisely because you don't think it's a little thing.

 

BEcause of all the places life won't go the way you want, the workplace is the most likely one and the one where you have to put up with it the most.

 

 

I got worked up, I admit :blush:. And this has NOTHING to do with the labour market. There at least I'm paid to grin and bear it, LOL!

[moimeme]

Nope, I don't think this equals to a "change" in their behaviour. If you allow people to lack you in respect, they will

 

If you insist on interpreting others' behaviour as 'lack of respect', that's your issue. You can interpret it any way you like and still not be correct. So it's often best to err on the side of compassion and attribute others' imperfect behaviour to other than unkind motives. In this case, I believe the most accurate interpretation is that they are so wrapped up in their own issues they aren't considering how their behaviour affects others. And that's sad but not worthy of anger or contempt.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by moimeme

If you insist on interpreting others' behaviour as 'lack of respect', that's your issue. You can interpret it any way you like and still not be correct. So it's often best to err on the side of compassion and attribute others' imperfect behaviour to other than unkind motives. In this case, I believe the most accurate interpretation is that they are so wrapped up in their own issues they aren't considering how their behaviour affects others. And that's sad but not worthy of anger or contempt.

 

Thank you! That is so true and wonderfully put! What if they don't see that their behaviour is affecting others? Why not talk to them? That's exactly my question. I'd at least be getting some form of answer and then deal with it from there, rather than just give up on them all together. You always used to say that communication is the key to most successful relationships.

[Thinkalot]

hi curly and moi. interesting conversation to come into work and read this morning.

 

here's the thing....

 

curly, everything you say, feel, would like to do, is what the inner emotional me is screaming out too, and would love to do. The desire to put it out there in the open, to air my feelings, to at the very least make them aware that they hurt my feelings and are behaving in an insensitive manner, even if the reason is because they have issues, and not because of some deliberate intent to wound.

To basically let it out! Maybe even to strike out at them verbally because I am feeling wounded by them. Everything you have been writing is exactly what I too can relate too...how I would like to do things.

 

But then, I realise that when I read what moi says, that it makes sense. That what I would like to do is not really what is best, most mature, most big hearted, forgiving, adult. What I want to do is emotion driven, and a natural reaction given the circumstances. I am trying however, to rise above that, and react in a way which is different and better. I am trying to be better than them. Let go, show self control and acceptance.

 

But, geez, it IS SO HARD FOR ME TO DO THIS.

 

I didnt argue with my husband about it last night. I took a lot of time to think before we discussed the subject. And then we managed to discuss it, including my feelings, and the tough time I am having in trying to choose this "higher ground" and stick to it, without anger or annoyance. I wasn't demanding anything of him, merely sharing my feelings, at a time which suited us both.

He basically said he too has been dissapointed by them, and expected more. Both in terms of at the wedding, and now afterwards. He understand why I would be upset, and can see how I would feel hurt. However he accepts that's how it is, that he cant change it. Also, he cares much less than me in the first place whether he has close family relations or not, so it's much easier for him to detach. Much. He expects little in this area I guess.

He finished by saying he hopes I can let it go, really let it go, so I can be free of the worry, hurt anger and move on. I said, me too!

Just like merry has said, and just like you too curly, have said, in terms of 100% embracing my decision to let things be.

 

When myhusband and mum were fighting I was full of wise advice for him and for her. Told him (and my mum) to let things go, not expect things, or a sorry, be bigger, try and see thatmy mum was acting from a place of hurt and pain and lashing out etc etc. He had a lot of trouble. He got mad, he yelled, he called her names. Mum also was emotional and they both hung onto a lot. And there I was, all saint like on my throne offering this advice. lol. I sure am having trouble taking my advice now the shoe is on the other foot, and I can see the irony.

 

At least he and mum are friends now and get on well. They've let go of stacks and said sorry and moved on. I didn't think that day would come. So I guess there's always hope for me.

[johan]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

But then, I realise that when I read what moi says, that it makes sense.

 

I think I said it first. Before Moi. You know. For the record.

[johan]

Just kidding. I don't want to steal Moi's thunder.

[Thinkalot]

 

Indeed, as JOHAN has always said right from the very START, it's best to just move on and let it go.

[Thinkalot]

Well, both my MIL (and SIL) and FIL are coming to our birthday party at this point. We'll see how that goes I guess. There will be 20+ people so they can avoid each other easily.

 

Still no wedding present or card even. This still blows my mind. I am working on letting go the anger and hurt I still feel, and am doing better. But every time H goes to their place, and returns home with nothing, I feel angry and let down all over again. I would give even a distant friend a present and/or card. Anything will do. It's the gesture. This is family here.

 

Anyway- clearly I have not let it go yet. But i haven't spoken to my MIL either. I figure it will just take me a while to get over this.

 

I feel misdirected anger at my husband sometimes too, because he has let it go entirely and is so unemotional about it. I don't vent that anger, but I am aware of it, and try to analyse where it comes from. I find that helps me realise what's going on with me, and stops me from saying anything unfair.

 

That stuff aside, all is going well with us! we just had our wedding pic in a sunday paper in sydney, and it's cool, because it lets lots of my old friends there know, and people now keep congratulating us, which keeps that special feeling alive.

[moimeme]

and try to analyse where it comes from.

 

In the end, Thinkalot, it comes from your brain. It is a *very* OCD thing to do to not let go of past hurts. And so I would suggest that your best defence against it is to say to yourself that this is like a fly stuck in honey or a jeep stuck in mud - your mind can't get itself out of the pit so you just have to ignore it. Hopefully, if you can only find other things to think about, eventually it will let go of you and leave you alone. Objectively speaking this is not something to spend weeks agonizing over and that's your best reason to refuse to let the 'stuckness' keep you in this trap.

[Thinkalot]

Mmmmm. Makes sense.

 

Bit off topic, but lately, I have been getting "stuck" on quite a few things. I dont seem to be stuck on my husband's past anymore, and dont question him relentlessly. I feel secure and happy with us.

 

I am however, getting stuck on other things. Worrying after a meeting with my boss, for example, about something I said. Worrying about it the next day, and the day after.

 

I have told my husband things I am worrying over, and some things he has simply picked up on and I havent even been aware.

 

He even said "maybe you should go back on the meds for a while, just so you can have a break from yourself".

 

He isn't the target, but he can see how much I am struggling with some things.

 

The thing is, I often dont notice, because I am so used to living like that. To me, I think I am doing well, because I am not bugging him all the time, and feeling insecure and worrying about his past. That is like one huge vice which has let go of me. The smaller incidental obsessions, seem tame in comparison.

 

And my life is full and happyright now. I am dancing, and going to scrapbooking classes, and started a book club, and going to the gym etc etc. I have also been writing and have had some articles published, in addition to my usual repotring job. So I have lots of distractions. Obviously though, I am still obsessing about lots of little things.

 

I even worry if I have a "bad" thought about something. I feel guilty.

 

I honestly believe I am doing better overall. I suppose I need to apply the techniques I have learnt to the small every day obsessions, as well as the big recurring ones.

[moimeme]

That is like one huge vice which has let go of me. The smaller incidental obsessions, seem tame in comparison.

 

So you know it can be done - it's just you've used up a lot of energy on that one. But eventually you can beat this one, too.

[Thinkalot]

yes that's true...the other obsession was like everest

[Lil Honey]

Hi Thinkalot:

 

I was married for nearly 24 years. I have had "issues" with my MIL and she with me, but we would always seem to get over them, simply by not harping on it. It seemed that time "healed all wounds". I learned over the years that most of our problems came about from misunderstandings. One person would be feeling X and the other person would interpret it as Y.

 

You said (on page 1, I believe) that there were 20 people at the wedding table and that you sat your FIL and his GF at the end near you, and that your MIL and SIL sat at the opposite end. Now, I see this as a trivial thing, but maybe your MIL and SIL felt slighted. Maybe she felt that you and hubby preferred his company over hers.

 

Okay that's just a guess. I have read the entire thread and I am aware that there are other things going on. What I'm trying to point out, though is that these "other things" may be little in themselves, but stacking them one on top of the other starts looking like a mountain (to your MIL).

 

In a post near the end of the thread, you said that the BBQ is only going to have about 20 people there, so they (your MIL, FIL) won't be "in each others' face". However, that is the same number of people you had seated at the table at the wedding reception! Twenty people is not a lot. Unless FIL sits in one corner of the backyard and MIL sits in the opposite corner, like a prize fight, they WILL notice each other and they will "bump into" each other.

 

You stated (in your first post?) that you are very sensitive. Could it be that your MIL is sensitive also, but is private and/or introverted? Could it be that she is aware of your sensitivity and felt not saying anything was better than saying something that could be misconstrued?

 

Okay, now I hafta say something. This is NOT how I view YOU personally, Thinkalot. It is what I have seen with a majority of brides-to-be . . .

 

It seems that when a woman carries the Bride-To-Be label, all common sense goes out the door. I have seen grown women become selfish, spend money (theirs and others') like it was made to burn, become self-absorbed, and frankly behave like spoiled two-year-old brats. I have seen women who were well-liked become flaming b!tches. And why? To show off that they can attempt to have a perfect wedding. It's like a status thing. Unfortunately, these folks don't see that it isn't about the wedding, it's about the marriage.

[moimeme]

You said (on page 1, I believe) that there were 20 people at the wedding table and that you sat your FIL and his GF at the end near you, and that your MIL and SIL sat at the opposite end. Now, I see this as a trivial thing, but maybe your MIL and SIL felt slighted. Maybe she felt that you and hubby preferred his company over hers.

 

This is an excellent point. People who are reserved and undemonstrative are very often introverted and it's entirely possible they were very hurt by what could easily appear as favouritism. You don't seem to like them much, Thinkalot, and they surely sense that and that hurts.

 

One person would be feeling X and the other person would interpret it as Y.

 

This is the sad fact of life; rather than finding out what the other person is feeling, people make assumptions and then get angry at what they believe to be true - whether or not it is.

[Thinkalot]

Any favourtism throughout my entire relationship with my husband has been shown towards THEM. I have sent little cards to them, driven down specially to see them, goneout of my way basically...whereas had hardly seen his dad.

 

So, I have certainly liked them and been warm and open (at this point I dont seem to like them because I am hurt by them). In Fiji, they had been so rude BEFORE the wedding (meaning his mother actually ignored me when I said hello a couple of times) that I decided at the last minute that I couldn't handle more of that right in my face at the actual wedding. Because it was a fairly casual affair, when mum put the table settings out with my best friend, we decided it would be better to not have them sit right next to us. Even my husband agreed it would be a good idea, as he too had witnessed his mum's behaviour. So, there was a lot going on, and every effort I made was rejected, even going to see her on the wedding morning to drop her a hankie (she wasnt there, and I had to leave it for her). So in actual fact, I had been and tried to be nice all week!

 

What else could I have done? Merry, i tried to be nice, again and again. Until I ended up in tears more than once during that week in Fiji. So, I dont think it's a case that they sensed anything cold from me. Andlike I said in the past, I have really liked them, and gone out of my way to make a good relationship, because that is important to me.

 

And I know what people say about how brides can be...but this was a casual wedding in Fiji...I was not some bridezilla expecting people to bow down before me.

 

As for people having misunderstandings, I agree, it's sad when that happens, which is why part of me still thinks, SHOULDN'T i SIMPLY TALK TO HER ABOUT THIS? Wont that be a good way to clear up any misunderstandings?

[Thinkalot]

P.s. I know I must sound defensive on this, I guess I am

 

I do appreciate all comments, feedback and thoughts....thanks

 

The thing is, even before the wedding reception, after the ceremony when everyone congratulated us, she did not even approach me then to say congratulations. I so hoped she would come round on the actual day, but she didnt. And then my SIL jumped in and asked for pictures with just their family, without me. Even my bridesmaid and best friend then looked at me, and came over to me...meanwhile, I did have a wonderful wedding, so I just really did let this stuff roll off me on the day as best I could. But afterwards I couldnt forget.

 

I know she was probably consumed with her own sh*t, but it just really isn't an excuse...even though I am now trying to feel some compassion for her, and have empathy, to see how that could happen.

[moimeme]

Only if you start it with 'are you mad at me or something'. Because if you start it with 'you've hurt me' or whatever, there'll be hell to pay. However the best person to consult about this is your own spouse, who has lived with these two his whole life and knows how they are. And from what you've said, it seems this is sort of typical of them and so he's resigned to it. Which means, I figure, that you have to be, too.

 

Some situations are changeable and this one just doesn't appear to be one.

[Lil Honey]

Thinkalot:

 

First, you have said several times that you would like your husband to say something to his mother. Welp, don't hold your breath. I have yet to hear of a man confronting his mother about any "issue" that his bride might have. (Now, it probably has happened before, but I haven't ever heard of it.)

 

Second, you said in your last post how nice you had been to your MIL and SIL. Could it be that A.) they like to manipulate you to do that by being standoffish or B) they enjoy watching you scramble to give them attention? (Please don't be offended. I mean it as a character flaw in THEM, not you.) I guess what I'm trying to say is that they can see how you are trying, but they are getting such enjoyment out of it, that they continue.

 

My suggestion? Get a punching bag and tape your MIL's picture on it and go a few rounds. Get it out of your system.

[CurlyIam]

Ok, Thinkalot, if it obviously bugs you this badly, why on Earth aren't you letting it out? Let it out, all this hurt and pain and nerves inside you are a killer. You know you'll go in cercles and think about it over and over and over again!

 

You don't have to take their sh*t. You don't have to have them in your family - people who don't respect you or love you as much as to ask your picture at your wedding with their son. I've never heard of this in my entire life, they're doing it on purpose and enjoying it.

 

When are you gonna step up to it, girl? don't expect your man to fight battle for ya , 'cause he won't. All I know is that you have to sleep in the bed that you're making and so far, you aren't getting one bit of rest!!!