Best way to handle situation with my M.I.L?

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

You type with an accent!

 

[moimeme]

that she couldn't get past her own issues long enough, abd be big enough, just to do the right thing at our wedding, instead of completely ignoring me.

 

It's kind of unfair to expect others to always be wonderful. We're just flawed, messy humans. That's what you find out when you grow up - that nobody's perfect all the time. I think that you needed to be 'the bigger man' in that instance and feel compassion for them - doubtless they were miserable much of the time.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

We're just flawed, messy humans. That's what you find out when you grow up - that nobody's perfect all the time.

 

lol- especially me! as you know too well

[johan]

lol- especially me! as you know too well

 

Come on, Think. You might be flawed, but you're not messy.

[meanon]

You're not especially flawed, thinkalot. You just talk about your flaws a lot . It could be worse - I'm messy too!

 

I realise I might not get a sorry, or an explanation, I just feel like I want it at least brought up, so she is made aware and it's put out there.

 

I feel angry with her still and know I should let that go. Once H has spoken to her, the ball will be in her court, and if she chooses to do nothing about it, it is her loss I guess

 

if I can talk to her about how hurt I was, and put it in the open, without attacking, maybe we can clear the air a bit

 

It was very insensitive to ignore you on your wedding day. You're entitled to be upset thinkalot, but I think you've made the right choice. In situations like this, there's always the potential to make things a lot worse than they already are, I'd hate for you to end up more upset.

 

Your purpose in raising the issue would not have been understand what happened. You know that already. They are not particularly close as a family, the things which mean so much to you do not have the same significance to them. They were preoccupied with keeping themselves to themselves, dealing with a social situation in which they felt out of their depth. They are unlikely to have done it deliberately. I'm sure they do wish you well but clearly they were so preoccupied with their own feelings that they failed to consider yours. In effect what you are saying is that you understand why they did it (nothing to do with you) but that explanation is not good enough for you. You expected them to rise above it, to put a higher priority on your feelings than they did. Either that or the anger is because you are taking it personally, despite what you know of the circumstances. Make sure the anger is because of what they did, not in part due to your self perceptions.

 

I think you would like the type of closeness you have with your family and that's part of the reason you found it so upsetting. Your raising the matter would not improve the relationship, in fact it may well have worsened it. No matter how you put it, it would be perceived as a criticism. They would respond in kind. An apology would be very unlikely.

 

The relationship may well become a closer one in time but you may just have to accept that they do not need or want the kind of relationship you expect as normal in families. It probably has nothing to do with you as a person or their feelings about you and more to do with their different experiences and expectations of family life.

 

I too would have difficulty ignoring something that upset me a lot. It's really only worth talking to them about it if you would feel better with them knowing the effect it had on you, even if it makes things more difficult in the short term. Your reaction is legitimate, there's absolutely no reason they shouldn't know as long as you don't expect a great reaction to your news. As to how to do it - face to face is probably best but I'd go for a phone call so I didn't have to stick around if I didn't feel like it. You could say that you were sad not to have been able to talk to them on your wedding day and that it must have been a very uncomfortable situation for them to have been in, that you appreciated the effort it cost them to have been there. Something that draws attention to their behaviour and it's effect but in a way that is not a demand for a response you will not get

 

I have been told I am too soft, too sensitive, and naively expect people to treat me the same way I would treat them, which sets myself up for dissapointment, considering people invariably dont do that!

 

I've occasionally had similar problems. Try and limit your expectations to people who are close to you, who appreciate you for what you are. Other people's opinions and attitudes of you should not affect you if they are not people of significance in your life. Life would be dull if we were all the same. Even with those close to you, the way they treat you says as much about them as about you. You could just choose friends who are the same as you but you'll have a more interesting life if you have a wide variety of friends. That's only possible if you are able to view their behaviour in context - from their perspective.

[CurlyIam]

Acting like nothing happened is acting like a total hypocrite. You are upset and you are hurt. Maybe less now, that you took some time to cool off.

 

But letting this go without acknowledging the fact that you did notice their behaviour and did notappreciate it is a bad idea. From my pov. I couldn't hide my feelings and I know I would risk to resent her deep down inside for a longer period of time. Not talking, not saying anything would alter our relationship. It's out there. Clear. Your MIL and SIL aren't warm and fuzzy, your getting cold would be much more damaging to the relationship that confronting them in a civilised, diplomatic manner. Because you'd hold the resent. and because you'd be passing by the chance to let it out of your heart. And in the end, that's what's most important.

 

You should talk to them. Not ask them to apologise or scold them for their behaviour. A simple message of "NO, that is not acceptable and it did hurt a lot".

 

No one's as warm and opened as you are. This you must accept. I'm sure you'll find the right way to send your message across to them. They're family now, it shouldn't be that hard :

[moimeme]

Acting like nothing happened is acting like a total hypocrite. You are upset and you are hurt. Maybe less now, that you took some time to cool off.

 

Bull. Sometimes our feelings are unfair. Sometimes you have to TRY to understand the other person's pov and feelings - it's called 'empathy' ; sadly a concept which seems to be all but vanished from humanity. Nobody has a right to go about demanding THEIR feelings be mended because nobody is solo on this planet. Other folks have feelings, too, and when they intersect, one must acknowledge that both may be justified in their feelings and that nobody needs to go tell anybody else off. This whole pile of garbage about 'MY rights' over all others is just that - a pile of garbage.

 

There was once a man riding a subway with three kids. The kids were being very rowdy and bothering the other passengers. The man didn't do anything to control the kids. He just seemed to ignore what was going on. Finally, one indignant passenger stomped up to the man and demanded the man do something to control his unruly kids. The man looked up as though he'd been lost in a dream and said 'oh, I'm sorry. My mind was on other things. You see, we're just coming back from the hospital - their mom died two hours ago'.

 

You don't just get in a big fat snit because you don't like how someone treats you. You understand that you're not always sweetness and light yourself because sometimes you're having a bad day and you make allowances for other humans who are also having bad days. It's called compassion. Empathy.

 

These people were stuck thousands of miles from home at a party where someone they didn't like and didn't want to see was, basically, stuck in their faces AND he and his wife apparently were the life of the party. Now tell me you'd be a lovely sweet human in that circumstance.

 

Understand this: the wounded animal strikes. If you see someone being upset or in some other way unfriendly, a LOT of times it's because the person is in pain of some sort. So give them a friggin' break!

[Thinkalot]

Thanks for all the responses and different perspectives.

 

meanon- thanks for your words, and insights. You are right. I do understand but have trouble accepting, and think it's not good enough. Exactly right.

What you say all makes good sense, especially your suggested way of mentioning their behaviour without it being critical at all. I'll see if an opportunity to do so raises itself. You seem to understand exactly how I feel about all the family stuff too.

 

curly- i would love to tell them, still. But on reflection, I dont think I will get what i want, and that I might only cause myself more emotional pain or anxiety. I am also trying to see how it was for them.

If the situation presents itself, where I can mention it somehow, as part of a conversation, I might. It wont be in a critical way though, or something where that is the only point of my conversation. I might take on meanon's advice on a possible way of mentioning it.

 

Then again, I dont know yet how much resentment I will still hold. Like I said, letting go is not proving easy. I am still angry and hurt!

 

I'm just going to leave it for now and I'll see how things go with them from here, and what sort of conversation we have the next time I see them (I have spoken to them since the wedding).

 

Thanks for understanding though , how hard I personally have found this, due to my own sensitivities and expectations etc.

 

merry- I am trying my best to give them a break.

[Thinkalot]

ps I meant to say I have NOT spoken to them since the wedding.

 

we are having a bbq party for our birthdays at the end of june and inviting them. will see if they come and how they treat me. we wont be inviting his dad, as we usually leave him out, so as to include his mum and sister more, without making them uncomfortable. his dad misses out i think.

 

they havent yet given us a wedding card or present either. It's all so odd to me, compared to how my parents treat us (warmly, loving, lots of affection- couldnt wait to see us when we got back from our honeymoon to see pics and give us a gift etc) It's not at all about getting a material good either.

[swirlingdaisy]

Did you ever stop to consider that they may have been the way they were at your wedding because they were upset @ seeing your husband's Dad there with "a lady friend"? You mention that you don't invite him to family functions, to that the MIL and SIL won't feel uncomfortable.......so unless there IS still hard feelings there between them all, why would you do that? Could it be that he said something to his ex wife at the wedding, maybe flaunted his lady friend in her face? And in turn, MIL and SIL felt it was somehow you and your husband's fault, because you invited the Dad/invited him to bring a guest.

 

How long have they been divorced?

 

It doesn't seem fair that he not be invited to family functions............why should he miss out that? How does your husband feel about that? Did he do something so horrible in his marriage to your MIL that she's not fully been able to deal with it?

[Thinkalot]

As I've said, it is very obvious they still have hard feelings for him, and I am now quite sure it was largely what affected their behaviour, however, while it is OK to understand that and have empathy, they behaved so rudely it's hard for me to keep making excuses. But then I guess that's where compassion and understanding is needed, and the ability to let it go anyway. (as you all keep saying).

 

They have now been separated for about 11-12 years I believe, and yet they have not let go of their hurt and anger. He cheated in the marriage. They fought a lot all through my husbands childhood. That's about all I know. Both MIL and SIL refuse to speak to him, or to deal with any of it and let it go. It seems so unhealthy to hold on to all that for so many years.

 

FIL has joined the church which is where he met his current lady friend (they have a funny kind of relationship which is non-sexual- more like companions). He would love to talk to his daughter obviously. I dont think he flaunted anything at the wedding. I dont think he would have felt any need to do so.

 

My husband deals with not including him (doesnt happen often, as we dont have many big family things anyway), because it's just easier I suppose, and avoids any awkardness. Also, my husband is not close to his dad and finds it easier to hang with his mum and sister. (although compared to me and my family, none of them are super close).

 

When the wedding came up my husband actually said he thought his mum and sis would surely be adult enough and big enough to be civil and handle the situation, after so many years. He didnt want us to have to fuss about them, or have them make a fuss. They didnt make a fuss, but their behaviour certainly was noticed by all, and very hurtful to me, so they still managed to create a fairly big wave, IMO. Obviously they found it hard to be there, and had their own stuff to try and handle.

 

I dont know whether to ask his dad to our birthday bbq. It would be nice, as his dad got on well with my parents too and it does seem unfair to always leave him out, to cater to their (MIL and SIL ) issues.

[moimeme]

sd you should read the whole thread. It's a longstanding rift between MIL SIL and FIL who don't usually even speak.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

No one's as warm and opened as you are. This you must accept.

 

Curly- surely some people are? I hope

 

P.S. was just talking to H about the bbq and we ARE inviting his dad along too we'll just be fair with stuff like that, and it's up to them to decide how they handle things. It won't be a tiny crowd.

[swirlingdaisy]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

Curly- surely some people are? I hope

 

P.S. was just talking to H about the bbq and we ARE inviting his dad along too we'll just be fair with stuff like that, and it's up to them to decide how they handle things. It won't be a tiny crowd.

 

First to Moi: Yes, I did read the entire thread - I was just suggesting a possible reason as to why MIL and SIL were so "off" with Thinkalot.

 

Thinkalot: My god, it's been over a decade and MIL and SIL still have issues with Dad? That's beyond juvenile. I commend you and hubby for invited the Dad. I don't condone cheating but geez, there comes a place where you just have to move on. He made a big mistake but that was many years ago. A shame that he's had to miss out on his children all these years as a result of so much contempt and crap.

 

I hope the BBQ goes well. It's great that you're taking the attitude you're taking - about inviting him. Yes, it is up to MIL and SIL to figure out how they're going to deal with it - they surely shouldn't expect you to push the man out just because they choose to.

[Thinkalot]

true. The only time we really did not ask him to something, was when we had a small gathering of about 20 at our engagement bbq a year ago.

Looking back, we probably should have asked him, but we decided to catch up with him separately at the time, just to avoid a fuss, and I suppose, because then we saw much more of his mum and sis.

And of course, if we'd invite my parents to dinner, and decide to ask H's family, it would normally be his mum and sis invited over, because H saw a lot more of them and we seemed closer to them.

 

Seeing things now however objectively, I can see we should always be fair with invites etc. Given a chance, his Dad would happily be closer to us. He made that so clear during the week in Fiji.

 

I love your username by the way...swirling daisy sounds whimsical and nice

[CurlyIam]

You're such a nice person, Thinkalot, I'm sure you're doing the best of things.

 

I must confess I am very curious about the way the bbq will go. I sure hope for you that your MIL and SIL won't fail you th way they've failed you on your wedding day.

 

So they haven't given you the present and the card for the anniversary yet? Wow, I've never heard of this one before!

 

 

 

I totally respect your decision about the way you've decided to deal with this issue. But I'm wondering if your MIL ans SIL weren't punishing you for including the dad into the ceremony... I've got no idea what went through their head. Maybe they were just embarassed or having a hard time coping with this situation. One thing's for certain: you'll see the way they act at the bbq. It may answer a lot of your questions.

 

Again, lots of kudos for handling this very lady-like .

 

Love,

 

Curly

[Thinkalot]

Thanks Curly

I must admit, I am still struggling to let my anger go.

But I am sitting at work right now, looking at a wedding picture, and that makes me smile.

[Thinkalot]

well my husband was at his mums place last night (he's there most weeks, one night, as he has work clients in their town (an hour from here) and overnights).

 

We thought they'd probably get around to giving us a wedding card and gift (before the wedding we told them not to bother carting stuff to Fiji, and they said, no they wouldnt do that). But nothing. H doesn't care. He just doesn't get emotional about hardly anything to do with his family. Just rolls with it. I care. It's not about getting a nice dinner set or whatever. It's the meaning and gesture behind giving a wedding gift. It's just missing. I dont get it. Maybe they havent got around to it? I dont know.

 

Sorry to keep continuing this thread. I'm just expressing how I feel on here, because it's a good outlet to vent some emotion and a place to bounce my feelings off people. I dont by any means spend all my time thinking about this issue, lol, but when I do, it's good to spit out how I am feeling.

 

his mum meanwhile told him last night, that while it was nice to be in Fiji and go to the wedding, she had a hard time seeing her ex there, and felt physically sick a few times being anywhere near him. My husband suggested she maybe see someone so she can let some of these feelings go. She said "but it only bothers me when have to see him", to which H said "well, over the years, we will have birthday celebrations, or christenings etc and dad will be there....and if you cant handle it, you'll end up making it making it hard for yourself". I dont know. she seems so private and has so many issues, I cant imagine her doing something about it, like seeing a counsellor.

 

I am still thinking of calling her, andhaving a chat, and maybe following meanons suggestion of saying in a nice way how it would have been nice if we could have spoken at the wedding more etc. and maybe getting to talk a bit openly with her. A few times, over the years I have had little moments where we have actually talked openly and I felt excited hoping it might mean a closer relationship. but things never progressed.

[moimeme]

Thinkalot, it sounds like this poor lady has a ton of issues. I suspect this is going to have to be a case of 'live and let live'. As for the gift, nothing's stopping your husband from asking what's up with that. It's not like they're strangers to him. OTOH, did they pay their own way to Fiji? Maybe they feel that's a big gift already if they did.

 

Fact is, they'll be at least peripherally involved in your life for a long time, so you may just have to decide to let them be who they are however they are and not stress about what they aren't and what they don't do. Hoping for the world to improve is an effort destined to create nothing but disappointment and grief. And, more importantly, expecting people with issues who are resistant to any sort of healing is all the more likely to disappoint you.

[Thinkalot]

merry, for some reason, my husband seems not at all bothered by the gift thing or any of it. That in itself drives me a bit crazy, because I just cannot understand his lack of emotion/concern. He says to me" I dont care if we dont get anything- I am not going to ask them where our gift is" I said "why not, they are family, surely you can be open about these things". He then gets angry and says "(Thinkalot) leave it. dont push on this. Dont worry about their issues." I say "but this is hurtful to me, and I am having trouble understanding this, and also why you aren't bothered". He told me he doesn't really see how it hurts me and to leave the discussion until tonight (this was this morning, so not a good time for talking, before work).

 

He seems not to understand how hurt and rejected I end up feeling. And I cannot understand why he does not get hurt or bothered. I feel like we really are from different planets sometimes.

 

I dont want us to argue about this tonight. I worry though that we are likely to start arguing if it comes up, and I am not sure how to avoid it (other than simply not communicating, which doesn't seem like a solution). Any advice is appreciated.

I suppose I need to be as calm and non pushy as possible, and listen. I am just concerned that he will react to my feelings with annoyance and anger. He says he likes things to be calm and trouble free. Which often means if I have an issue with something which he thinks I am being too emotinal about, he feels annoyed.

I can see his point of view, but I can't erase how I feel either. Ah, men and women.

[moimeme]

merry, for some reason, my husband seems not at all bothered by the gift thing or any of it. That in itself drives me a bit crazy, because I just cannot understand his lack of emotion/concern. He says to me" I dont care if we dont get anything- I am not going to ask them where our gift is" I said "why not, they are family, surely you can be open about these things". He then gets angry and says "(Thinkalot) leave it. dont push on this. Dont worry about their issues."

 

And there you have it. He understands that they have issues and that this is a situation that is unchangeable.

 

Remember this saying, Thinkalot - it's absolutely THE key to living a peaceful life:

 

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that can be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.

 

This is something which cannot be changed and therefore you need the serenity to accept it.

 

I say "but this is hurtful to me, and I am having trouble understanding this, and also why you aren't bothered". He told me he doesn't really see how it hurts me and to leave the discussion until tonight (this was this morning, so not a good time for talking, before work).

 

Thinkalot, I hear a lot in you what I lived with with my ex. He HAD to have things go the way he wanted them. He HAD to talk about things when HE wanted to. And he had a terrible time accepting others' flaws.

 

That you are hurt isn't the fault of them. It's because you can't detach. I felt hurt by what my ex did but I understood he didn't do what he did on purpose. It was his issues that caused him to do what he did. That was my problem because I couldn't detach.

 

He seems not to understand how hurt and rejected I end up feeling. And I cannot understand why he does not get hurt or bothered. I feel like we really are from different planets sometimes.

 

Because, Thinkalot, he has accepted the inevitability of the situation and isn't going to beat his head into the brick wall of wanting something to be different that just will not be different.

 

I dont want us to argue about this tonight. I worry though that we are likely to start arguing if it comes up, and I am not sure how to avoid it (other than simply not communicating, which doesn't seem like a solution). Any advice is appreciated.

 

As Dr. Amen says, you ought not believe your brain. Our brains lie to us. Your brain is telling you 'these people hurt you and are bad' when the truth is 'these people have BIG issues and don't function well'. However, the OCD brain grabs thoughts and hangs onto them with a vise grip. I don't know if you ever got Dr. Amen's 'Change Your Brain, Change Your Life'. It's a great book that explains how bits of the brain do what they do and how to help them.

 

I can see his point of view, but I can't erase how I feel either. Ah, men and women.

 

Thinkalot, that you feel something does not mean you are obligated to react according to the feeling. There are times when I get very worried or unreasonably grumpy about something and I sense the feeling and stop myself from acting on it. I'm not saying I'm a saint or perfect, but you can't allow yourself to be a leaf buffetted by every breeze of feeling that blows by. You have to fight the feelings - they don't own you, nor should they.

 

The more you give into them, as with the rest of the issues, the more they can take hold of you.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

I'm not saying I'm a saint or perfect, but you can't allow yourself to be a leaf buffetted by every breeze of feeling that blows by. You have to fight the feelings - they don't own you, nor should they.

 

The more you give into them, as with the rest of the issues, the more they can take hold of you.

 

Sometimes I feel like one of my biggest lessons in this life is to learn how not to react to my feelings, or to be ruled by them. How to detach, be objective, let things go, be less sensitive, less emotional (in the sense that my emotions rule me more than they should).

 

I have been told as much before. It is not an easy lesson, not an easy change to make. I am aware and I am trying however. I know I make life harder than it needs to be sometimes, and I realise that can also make me hard to live with.

At least I am becoming more aware I suppose and making little changes (and some big ones, so far, in my ability to control and live with the OCD). This awareness and change and personal growth has been happening more in the past few years than it ever has before. Doesn't mean I am moving at a quick pace though.

 

Thanks for the advice. I am glad I have this outlet. It helps me calm down and think, before speaking out, and potentially creating conflict.

 

And thank you for taking the time to write a thoughtful reply.

[CurlyIam]

So they're not giving you a "congrats on your marriage" card? Wow, Thinkalot, what does THAT have to do with her ex husband?

 

I went to a wedding last weekend with 2 of my male friends. Bought 2 bottles of wine and a card (we chose wine because we hardly knew the groom and had no idea what else to buy, since we weren't close friends of the bride to know her taste in art or cuisine). It cost us... 20 $ each? I can tell you that they were pretty happy with our choice .

 

 

I say get used to this type of attitude from your MIL. Get used to her being invited to your kids anniversary and them not bringing over a present. Get used to her "issues" preventing her from enjoying other special moments like the Christianing of your first child...

 

It will keep on happening, unless you do something about it. And even that won't guarantee you a thing.

 

As I see it, you've got 2 choices:

 

1 - the sanest, problem free, easiest: let it go. Don't get involved. Invite her at the family gatherings without feeling obliged to make conversation. Tolerate her, but .... actually ignore her. 'cause that's the way she is and she's gonna behave from now on.

 

If you do this, your husband is gonna be happy because you won't be arguing and you'll have tranquility in your marriage.

 

On the other hand, no more intimate dinner with just the 2 of you and them, because it's not like they care or want to beinvolved, or anything. The only thing those people have in common with you, Thinkalot, is the fact that your MIL gave birth to your hubby. And that he loves them unconditionally. Treat them as if they were... some nice neighbours that come over once in a while. Not even close friends. Certainly not family. Tell yourself that one cannot chose their family. Grin and bare it.

 

If you learn to have no expectations from them, it can actually work and very well, I may add.

 

the downside of it it's that your children won't be having a grandmother. But then, it's not like shes making this huge efforts to integrate into both your lives... she lives out there, in her own world, undisturbed.

 

 

 

And 2. The really bad idea, fight causing, eotion bursting choice - that may in the end solve nothing - is to go out there and confront them about their behaviour. From the way they acted at the wedding 'til them not giving you any wedding card. Like you said, it's not about money, it's about expressing joy.

 

Thinkalot, why confront your husband about it? He obviously can't change anything. Like RP used to say, his love for them is unconditional. Stop hiding behind your husband on this one and just go out there and confront them. Over tea, over coffee, over telephone, over the barbecue, whenever you feel most comfortable doing it.

 

 

I doubt it will change anything. But at least, your MIL will stop living in her own world and face reality. The reality is that your job as a mom isn't over when the kid is 18. She's stopped being someon's wife. That's a tragedy, I'm the first one to admit, but her role as a mother did not stop and shall not stop as long as your husband and his offsprings lives. It seems to me that she's continouisly mourning her loss. Like she's been doing for the last 10 years... and she's blind to her other obligations.

 

Personally, I'd chose no.2 because I believe it's more apropriate with my own character. I am outgoing and a bit more confrontational, LOL. I have to understand and I'd have to try to get out of this situation where you're stuck. I'm the "mender", I need to mend things, relationships, people. I'd never forgive myself if I wouldn't confront them and give them a chance to make up for the wrong that they're doing to me.

 

And then, if I saw that they're reaction is as if I was making a tragedy out of nothing, I' probably withdraw and apply no.1. For the rest of my life. Not out of spite. But because I need to protect myself emotionally.

 

 

 

Like moi said, whatever you chose, detach yourself emotionally. And stop bickering your husband. He's lived with them all their live, he's used to their behaviour and sees nothing shocking in it. His love for them is unconditional.

This is a woman's job. So show some independance and diplomacy and take care of it yourself. All alone. One way or the other .

 

Hugs,

 

Curly

[moimeme]

Stop hiding behind your husband on this one and just go out there and confront them. Over tea, over coffee, over telephone, over the barbecue, whenever you feel most comfortable doing it.

 

I doubt it will change anything. But at least, your MIL will stop living in her own world and face reality.

 

Yeah, that's the theory but that rarely happens. Maybe Dr. Phil could pull that one on them, but this isn't Dr. Phil. It's a daughter-in-law - an 'outsider' in the family and a family member. If they haven't gone to counselling when their son and brother suggested it, they sure won't if Thinkalot says anything.

 

It's all well and fine to be 'confrontational' and to be someone who 'wants to deal with things' but unless the other person is likely to change, all you do is pick a fight which you won't win and which will make everybody feel bad, including you, in the end.

 

Sometimes I feel like one of my biggest lessons in this life is to learn how not to react to my feelings, or to be ruled by them. How to detach, be objective, let things go, be less sensitive, less emotional (in the sense that my emotions rule me more than they should).

 

I have been told as much before. It is not an easy lesson, not an easy change to make. I am aware and I am trying however.

 

I know. It IS hard, and you have a harder battle than many. But you're winning these battles with yourself bit by bit and I have faith you can win this one, too. And what a great life it will be if you can do so, eh? Wouldn't it be nice to feel good, happy, peaceful most of the time? It's not impossible

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by moimeme

Yeah, that's the theory but that rarely happens. Maybe Dr. Phil could pull that one on them, but this isn't Dr. Phil. It's a daughter-in-law - an 'outsider' in the family and a family member. If they haven't gone to counselling when their son and brother suggested it, they sure won't if Thinkalot says anything.

 

It's all well and fine to be 'confrontational' and to be someone who 'wants to deal with things' but unless the other person is likely to change, all you do is pick a fight which you won't win and which will make everybody feel bad, including you, in the end.

 

I'm starting to think within the same lines, but... me thinks that they were gently talked to by people in their family. A stranger - Thinkalot still has that status, unfortunately - asking them about their behaviour may be like a cold shower?

 

The way I see it, the whole family is walking on eggshells around them and I personally think that's a bad idea. I'm not suggesting a fight or picking up a fight, but calmly and reasonally aske them why they don't think she diserves a wedding gift. Why they totally ignored her. Why they tried so hard to be a pain in the arse and ruin her day.

 

I'm taking calm, tough talk. If they're being evasive and defensive about it, she can always close the subject saying something harsh like: "well, I just wanted to let you know how badly you hurt my feelings, and if this is the way you feel about me and about my marrying your son, than have it your way". and then ask if she wants more coffee/tea/mustard/hamburger.

 

 

 

Like I said, it's how me personally, the way I'd do it. To me, putting things out in the open is very important, because, like I said, if there is any missunderstaning, that's the perfect occasion to clear it out and have a nice, open, normal relationship.

 

I believe that silance can be 10 times harder to bear. IT's a punishment. i believe that my firs solution is the coldest, because it means that Thinkalot is giving up on them and on the chance of ever having a close relationship with them. I have a hard time giving up, I guess .