S2B Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I want there top be an US, but more importantly, I want both of us to be Happy. If together, I don't want to get back to where we once were, I want it to be better. Is your wife in this recovery of your marriage 150%? Yes or no... Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 (edited) She told this other guy she loved him, there is no reason not to divorce her. So dude if you let her walk all over you this time she will NEVER EVER stop. You can keep your integrity and self respect in tact via kicking her to the curb. Orrrr if you for some reason want this terrible woman to still be your wife...no more texting for her. As in: she can't ever have a cell phone that can send text messages. Or if her cell can send them they need to be 100% disabled. Also no more social media websites either. Facebook, anything else, buh bye. She doesn't like it or even tries to act defiant? Buh bye. If she agree's to do all that, but has an attitude about it? Buh bye. Your name is Doorstopper, but you need to try to not become a doormat. I really don't care if she is just living out some fantasy. Live out fantasies in your own damn head, you keep other dudes out of it. This woman could not do that. If you want her just for sex and stuff sure stay. If you want a wife who loves and respects you? Flee because you will never have that. She ruined it, she tainted it, and somethings just can't be undone. But seriously if you stay..she gets all texting privileges taken away. She deletes all social media accounts. She gives you access to her phone and email whenever you damn well please. Hell I don't care if she breaks the rule to send a text to her sick and dying mother, she lost her texting privileges when she cheated. In other words you have to babysit your wife like she is a damn child, but if you are okay with that then fine. If even for a microsecond she behaves in a manner to suggest she feels you are being unfair..it is time to walk. Edited November 3, 2015 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doorstopper Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 Is it easy to file in some states? I've got to complete 10 pages of financial forms documenting every penny I/we own. This alone could take me a week. I did mail in a request for my marriage certificate. This will likely take a week. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Is it easy to file in some states? I've got to complete 10 pages of financial forms documenting every penny I/we own. This alone could take me a week. I did mail in a request for my marriage certificate. This will likely take a week. I know how painful it is specially when you never planned on doing it. Hold strong my friend. How things are after the counseling session? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doorstopper Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 I know how painful it is specially when you never planned on doing it. Hold strong my friend. How things are after the counseling session? Honestly, I think we found a great person to to talk to. I thought it would be very awkward but somehow it wasn't. Wife is also going though her PCP for meds and/or IC. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Just curious. When you say "we found a great person" who is we? And again out of curious it's what is the objective of the counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Honestly, I think we found a great person to to talk to. I thought it would be very awkward but somehow it wasn't. Wife is also going though her PCP for meds and/or IC. It is good that she is considering IC. did you noticed any difference after the hotel getaway? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doorstopper Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 It is good that she is considering IC. did you noticed any difference after the hotel getaway? No I don't think so, at least not related to the hotel. Up until the last few days, every conversation ended in a screaming argument and her clamming up. I've agreed not to press the issue constantly and she has agreed to be more open. So far , we've been a lot more civil over the last few days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doorstopper Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 Just curious. When you say "we found a great person" who is we? And again out of curious it's what is the objective of the counseling? We/She/I That doesn't really matter, does it? She made the appointment. What is the goal? Save the marriage? Maybe. Ultimately, I need to be happy. I'd like there to be a "we" component to that but if that's not the case, so be it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doorstopper Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 I expect to start my own IC soon, though insurance details will need to be worked out. Who knows, maybe the result of all this is that I'll decide i can be far better off, by taking a different path. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Up until the last few days, every conversation ended in a screaming argument and her clamming up. I've agreed not to press the issue constantly and she has agreed to be more open. So far , we've been a lot more civil over the last few days. So she doesn't want you to press the issue as it would only lead to screaming argument, instead you let go and she is more open, do you mind elaborate more? What do you mean by open? Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 We/She/I That doesn't really matter, does it? She made the appointment. What is the goal? Save the marriage? Maybe. Ultimately, I need to be happy. I'd like there to be a "we" component to that but if that's not the case, so be it. I was wondering if the C was for you and the kids or for you and the ww. Just wondering if the kids might be interested in talking to someone on a professional level. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doorstopper Posted November 5, 2015 Author Share Posted November 5, 2015 I was wondering if the C was for you and the kids or for you and the ww. Just wondering if the kids might be interested in talking to someone on a professional level. Rather not discuss the kids much here but lets just say all bases are covered. Right now, with C, its just me and the wife together. This will continue and we expect to both get IC as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doorstopper Posted November 5, 2015 Author Share Posted November 5, 2015 So she doesn't want you to press the issue as it would only lead to screaming argument, instead you let go and she is more open, do you mind elaborate more? What do you mean by open? Here's a scenario of conflict between us. Her version of exactly how everything started doesn't exactly make sense. She says he found her on a dice game, started chatting and it went from there. But, you can't search people in the dice game, unless its on Facebook and she says it wasn't. So I press the issue about what really happened, she says she doesn't know, big arguments ensue. Truth is unless shes hiding all kids of contact methods that I don't know about, her story is relatively accurate. By "More Open": She has agreed to answer specific questions as long as they don't devolve into a "you're lying, I want to know what really happened" argument. And I do generally see that but we are not really having a good conversation about this (can you ever, LOL). I think she really wants me to just STFU about all this for a day or two and then I think I might be able to get a free flow of info. But honestly, at this point, I don't think there is much of anything that I don't know with exception of a few lingering issues. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Here's a scenario of conflict between us. Her version of exactly how everything started doesn't exactly make sense. She says he found her on a dice game, started chatting and it went from there. But, you can't search people in the dice game, unless its on Facebook and she says it wasn't. So I press the issue about what really happened, she says she doesn't know, big arguments ensue. Truth is unless shes hiding all kids of contact methods that I don't know about, her story is relatively accurate. By "More Open": She has agreed to answer specific questions as long as they don't devolve into a "you're lying, I want to know what really happened" argument. And I do generally see that but we are not really having a good conversation about this (can you ever, LOL). I think she really wants me to just STFU about all this for a day or two and then I think I might be able to get a free flow of info. But honestly, at this point, I don't think there is much of anything that I don't know with exception of a few lingering issues. exactly what I thought, the problem is she is not willing to do the heavy weight lifting a WW supposed to do in order to reconcile. she rather see you sweeping it all under the rug. at best she isn't aware of your emotional struggles at worse she doesn't care about them. I hate to say it but I'm afraid you are wasting time effort and money on MC. the problem is not the marriage the problem is her she needs IC good luck Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Why don't you ask her to write out her timeline of exactly how it happened? When it started, how she participated including dates and times... She should be in a position of "offering" info to you, not protecting what is real. Then you would have it in writing and can sit down calmly and go through all the details - by asking questions you want answers to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doorstopper Posted November 5, 2015 Author Share Posted November 5, 2015 exactly what I thought, the problem is she is not willing to do the heavy weight lifting a WW supposed to do in order to reconcile. she rather see you sweeping it all under the rug. at best she isn't aware of your emotional struggles at worse she doesn't care about them. I hate to say it but I'm afraid you are wasting time effort and money on MC. the problem is not the marriage the problem is her she needs IC good luck She has an appointment in a couple of weeks and we have to workout the details IC. I think we need both the MC and IC. It is helpful, but this is going to be a long walk to a resolution. One of the things I said to the MC is that when I walked in last week, I would not be surprised if W had said "lets talk about unwinding this marraige". W has been numb. I don't think its quite sweeping under the rug that she wants, but she hasn't yet come to term with it. In addition to everything else, I work for myself and have been mostly unemployed for the last 2 weeks, since I can't quite function normally. I am getting better and stronger by the day, but this just plain sucks. On the divorce side, I've started to become much more actively involved n my daughters life (not that I wasn't previously). She is nearly attached to the hip of W and I don't want to "lose" her if we separate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doorstopper Posted November 5, 2015 Author Share Posted November 5, 2015 Why don't you ask her to write out her timeline of exactly how it happened? When it started, how she participated including dates and times... She should be in a position of "offering" info to you, not protecting what is real. Then you would have it in writing and can sit down calmly and go through all the details - by asking questions you want answers to. I'm going to bring up a timeline at MC next week. If I ask her now, the answer will be no and an argument. The cell phone access issues last week went the same way but once the MC told W that she can expect no privacy whatsoever, W had no problem with the request. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 She has agreed to answer specific questions as long as they don't devolve into a "you're lying, I want to know what really happened" argument. And I do generally see that but we are not really having a good conversation about this (can you ever, LOL). I think she really wants me to just STFU about all this for a day or two and then I think I might be able to get a free flow of info. But honestly, at this point, I don't think there is much of anything that I don't know with exception of a few lingering issues. So she's right that you two don't need to be arguing about this. It accomplishes nothing. If you can't talk to her without arguing, stop talking to her until you can. I assume she's back from the hotel, right? Just agree not to talk to each other for the rest of the week, BUT continue to monitor her phone. THAT IS NOT NEGOTIABLE. Make it clear that if she's not willing to let you monitor her phone and computer, you're moving forward with separation. Her choice. But if she's giving you that, just move forward, don't talk about the affair until you meet up with MC again. And go to the book store today and buy the book Not Just Friends and give it to her. Ask her to read it. Now that you're backing off on arguing, she might be amenable. It will open her eyes as to what she's been doing. Also pick up the book His Needs Her Needs, and start reading it together, a little each night. It will be eye opening to both of you, and give you a path forward and most importantly, HOPE for both of you. Don't feel guilty about telling anyone. The more people who know, the more likely she is to give up her 'fantasy' and return to the marriage. And the people who know will help you and her stay on track. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 but she hasn't yet come to term with it. In addition to everything else, I work for myself and have been mostly unemployed for the last 2 weeks, since I can't quite function normally. I am getting better and stronger by the day, but this just plain sucks. this is what every one here is warning you. you are spending so much energy on this mentally which is exhausting you and keeping you from looking out for yourself. you need to look out for your benefit. live well and focus on yourself,your daughter and your job. you won't be able to do it if you are exhausting your energy on "tolerating" her fantasies. she gotta deal with that on her own. in addition, whistle you hope for the best it is always wise to prepare for the worst, you wanna mentally prepared to move on if the sh**T hits the fan. On the divorce side, I've started to become much more actively involved n my daughters life (not that I wasn't previously). She is nearly attached to the hip of W and I don't want to "lose" her if we separate. good step, you have to start preparing for a possible life without her, it is good for you whether you stay together or not. who knows how long it would take her to finally "come to term" but you have to force her to expedite things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Your wife isn't as numb as you think, I bet her insides are doing backflips. What she is doing is trying to control the flow of information, by doing this she is buying time and attempting to control how you react. This isn't a woman that you can work out anything with at this point. It would be smart to start doing the 180 thing and work on being detached from her. In short order her unwillingness to be open and honest will drive you crazy and force your love to turn hateful. Gain some emotional distance and then take another look in. MC is a waste of money at this point, I doubt if anything said there will ring any bells for her and it sure as hell won't progress your marriage while she isn't on your team. Make no mistake its not you AND her its you VS her. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 (edited) On the divorce side, I've started to become much more actively involved n my daughters life (not that I wasn't previously). She is nearly attached to the hip of W and I don't want to "lose" her if we separate. Your wife isn't as numb as you think, I bet her insides are doing back flips. What she is doing is trying to control the flow of information, by doing this she is buying time and attempting to control how you react. What she’s afraid of losing is the stability and security you provide. If you make it clear right out of the box that there is no way she will ever lose those things then she has no reason to come clean or change. She will just stall as DKT3 said until you get tired of causing trouble. Here is an example of how important stability and security are that was posted today: My wife wasn’t remorseful when I confronted her over the end of this past summer and didn’t show any remorse until I exposed her to all of our family and friends and I had her served with divorce papers. After she was served and I moved out of the marital house she had an emotional breakdown and started to beg for a second chance to save our marriage Edited November 5, 2015 by Buckeye2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 What she’s afraid of losing is the stability and security you provide. If you make it clear right out of the box that there is no way she will ever lose those things then she has no reason to come clean or change. She will just stall as DKT3 said until you get tired of causing trouble. Here is an example of how important stability and security are that was posted today: man, I can give him 1000 example from this forum, I even suggested that he goes and read some of these stories himself. what sh is doing is typical, but what the OP needs to realize is the A is like drug addiction you can cure it by leaving the addicted person having access to the drug and wishing one day he would magically stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doorstopper Posted November 6, 2015 Author Share Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) man, I can give him 1000 example from this forum, I even suggested that he goes and read some of these stories himself. what sh is doing is typical, but what the OP needs to realize is the A is like drug addiction you can cure it by leaving the addicted person having access to the drug and wishing one day he would magically stop. GIVE ME A BREAK! ITS BEEN 10 FREAKING DAYS! Am I suppose to fly across country to get my marraige license so I can file? And at least as of today, if I move out, I'll be in a homeless shelter. As far as reading other stories, post some threads and I'll take a look. I tried looking and gave up after a while. Edited November 6, 2015 by Doorstopper 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) GIVE ME A BREAK! ITS BEEN 10 FREAKING DAYS! Am I suppose to fly across country to get my marraige license so I can file? And at least as of today, if I move out, I'll be in a homeless shelter. As far as reading other stories, post some threads and I'll take a look. I tried looking and gave up after a while. Doorstopper: first of all, Sorry if I pressured you in a way that made you uncomfortable or if I offended you in any way. That was never my intention. I wish you nothing but success. I wish from the bottom of my heart that everything would be fine between you and your wife without any struggle. I really do. If you think I'm offending you please let me know and I will never post a word in your thread. I'm not a relationship expert, I'm only basing my opinions on experiences similar to yours. I do not know all the details of your life I'm just pointing to some obvious facts good luck Edited November 6, 2015 by qubist Link to post Share on other sites
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