Wife had a sext/text affair.

[S2B]

I realize reading this that I have no idea how to advise someone doing NC with their cheater spouse. The first therapist I saw in the first month told me to go into IC to work on me only and decide what to do about him later. I'd read Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends and refused, feeling I HAD to know what I didn't know first. That was all I cared about. It was hell, absolute awfulness for three years and I don't think I could have done any different.

 

Going NC usually means letting go of finding out the truth. I think the BS could only do that if s/he's resigned to letting go of the WS and the marriage, too. I can't even contemplate whether I could have done it. All I wanted was the truth. At the time, I wanted it far more than I wanted him, but I had to keep him to get it. Crazy but there it is.

 

Doing NC and needing truth have no correlation.

 

IF you have a boundary and listen to your gut there's no reason NC cannot be implemented when your gut tells you that you've been betrayed by someon who is supposed to be loving only you.

 

 

Doesn't matter what someone else does or doesn't do - I make decisions that are best FOR ME. If it 'feels like' someone is betraying me = there is a reason for that!

 

And it's my job to take action to take care of me/myself. If that means eliminating who is toxic - then so be it!

 

Keeping toxic people in my life would only make my life toxic! Eliminating who brings toxic around me allows my life to return to a peaceful place.

 

These ARE choices we make.

[Doorstopper]

No husband should have to be put in a position where he has to compete with another man for his wife's affection. You can't control her actions but you can control yours. If like most of us you don't like being in infidelity, take yourself out of it. You can wait for her to commit to only you or you can start the process on your own with the help of a lawyer. The best approach in my opinion is to tell her she is free to see the other man if she wants but not as your wife. If she can't be happy with just you that you will help her find a new place to live and start the process of dismantling all that you have built together. Tell her if she wants to come home and work on the marriage she can but here are your conditions for doing so, give her your demands for reconciliation including independent counselling to find out why she gave herself the approval to have a relationship with another man.

 

Once you have drawn your line in the sand defend it vigorously and seek full remedy for any breech. She needs to know that if you accept her back she needs to do the hard work to fix this mess that her infidelity has caused and that there will be no rug sweeping. You need to know that she is all in or end it, why waste anymore of your time? You are the prize, you honoured your word, she breeched her original contract with you and if she doesn't like the terms of the new one it's better you know now rather than wasting years playing games. Stay strong, moving the line is a sign of weakness and weakness is not an attractive trait to women. Your moving on with your life with or without her.

 

Thank you. I have told her almost exactly that.

 

NC is a no-go so far. We phone argued during the day and then went to a Halloween party together last night (with our daughter); then we had a "good" hour-long phone conversation last night.

 

She can't tell me she wants me, now. This hurts. I'm reasonably sure she suffers from depression and should end up being treated as part of counseling.

 

her hotel is up tomorrow and we have counseling tomorrow night. I think she'll come home tomorrow, and I may find a place to stay for this week. I'd send her back to the hotel, but its unfair to our daughter.

 

She seems "numb", almost like I don't exist. She says that she hasn't had desire for contact with him in a couple of days, but she is always looking at her phone; that part's become habitual and she said it will take time to break. This is what hurts the most right now: I feel too vulnerable and I need "something" from her. Any sign whatsoever that she still might want me. I'm not saying she doesn't, She's just seems incapable of making that decision, right now. I don't know how long I can/should wait.

 

We have talked briefly today but I'm going to try NC again, at least until counseling tomorrow.

Edited November 1, 2015 by Doorstopper

[S2B]

Your actions aren't matching your words to her.

 

 

If you want her out (because she isn't making you/your marriage her top priority - then make sure she understands she isn't welcome back in the house. Make sure you separate all money and credit card accounts.

 

Show her with action that you actually mean what you say.

[Ladyjane14]

Thank you. I have told her almost exactly that.

 

NC is a no-go so far. We phone argued during the day and then went to a Halloween party together last night (with our daughter); then we had a "good" hour-long phone conversation last night.

 

She can't tell me she wants me, now. This hurts. I'm reasonably sure she suffers from depression and should end up being treated as part of counseling.

 

her hotel is up tomorrow and we have counseling tomorrow night. I think she'll come home tomorrow, and I may find a place to stay for this week. I'd send her back to the hotel, but its unfair to our daughter.

 

She seems "numb", almost like I don't exist. She says that she hasn't had desire for contact with him in a couple of days, but she is always looking at her phone; that part's become habitual and she said it will take time to break. This is what hurts the most right now: I feel too vulnerable and I need "something" from her. Any sign whatsoever that she still might want me. I'm not saying she doesn't, She's just seems incapable of making that decision, right now. I don't know how long I can/should wait.

 

We have talked briefly today but I'm going to try NC again, at least until counseling tomorrow.

 

I wouldn't leave my home without talking to an attorney first.

[Doorstopper]

The good news is that I am done looking for information, and can live with that. In fact, with all the things I've found, I only see an an instagram account that she can't explain and swears she never used, that I have questions about.

 

I painfully searched through all her browser/google search records and found nothing but a few adult emoji and sexual searches. Google also apparently stores everything you say into your android phone. I have the conversation about whether they were taking the relationship to another level. and one slightly sexually related. Nothing else there but mundane conversation.

 

Mt total texts estimates were also reduced to an average of about 50/day. I know it's stupid, but I want to try to minimize what they had because it wasn't real. They even fought a few times, if I am to believe my wife.

 

I'm not trying to forgive or justify, just minimize.

[Doorstopper]

I wouldn't leave my home without talking to an attorney first.

 

 

We're amicable. If she's the one who goes, its difficult on mu daughter. I can't put her (daughter) through that.

[qubist]

Thank you. I have told her almost exactly that.

 

NC is a no-go so far. We phone argued during the day and then went to a Halloween party together last night (with our daughter); then we had a "good" hour-long phone conversation last night.

 

She can't tell me she wants me, now. This hurts. I'm reasonably sure she suffers from depression and should end up being treated as part of counseling.

 

her hotel is up tomorrow and we have counseling tomorrow night. I think she'll come home tomorrow, and I may find a place to stay for this week. I'd send her back to the hotel, but its unfair to our daughter.

 

She seems "numb", almost like I don't exist. She says that she hasn't had desire for contact with him in a couple of days, but she is always looking at her phone; that part's become habitual and she said it will take time to break. This is what hurts the most right now: I feel too vulnerable and I need "something" from her. Any sign whatsoever that she still might want me. I'm not saying she doesn't, She's just seems incapable of making that decision, right now. I don't know how long I can/should wait.

 

We have talked briefly today but I'm going to try NC again, at least until counseling tomorrow.

Doorstopper: she is still doing the same thing, holding on to the fact that you are still too weak to move on. I don't even know for sure if a NC is necessary, you can still talk to her as long as you are firm on what you are doing. do not leave your house without talking to a lawyer first. In my opinion MC will be a waist of time effort and money, MC only works if both spouses want to work it out, right now only you want it she needs to figure that out first.

Look out for your own interest, see a lawyer ASAP. It's OK to hope for the best but plan for the worst.

[jnel921]

Doorstopper,

 

If you expect the M to be saved from this your WW has to give you total transparency which doesn't look like the case.

 

She is more hurt by her OM's lies than your reaction to this which is telling.

 

Your kids should have never been told of any of this. Its not their business and most of all you don't need them picking sides and placing blame. That is totally nuts but too late for you. I wouldn't share anything else with them but the overall decision.

 

In your case it may be D. If your WW is not remorseful and still trying to find ways to communicate with the OM then why bother.

 

Some things are deal breakers when it comes to M. These things and her reaction and behavior just may be that.

 

Good luck to you.

[S2B]

She hasn't offer you her truth and transparency. You've chased truth... And are minimizing to reduce her damage she's caused.

 

She hasn't given any peace of mind.

 

 

There's no way to build or rebuild any relationship when there's this much deception.

 

YOUR efforts are futile.

[Doorstopper]

Doorstopper: she is still doing the same thing, holding on to the fact that you are still too weak to move on. I don't even know for sure if a NC is necessary, you can still talk to her as long as you are firm on what you are doing. do not leave your house without talking to a lawyer first. In my opinion MC will be a waist of time effort and money, MC only works if both spouses want to work it out, right now only you want it she needs to figure that out first.

Look out for your own interest, see a lawyer ASAP. It's OK to hope for the best but plan for the worst.

 

I've spoken to my lawyer, he says go the MC route first. I think she needs to handle her depression before we are going to get anywhere.

 

I've been thinking about this for a couple of days. Isn't this whole separate, everything, walk to divorce today, nothing more than a game. Its a way to scare the **** out your partner so that they come back to you. I'm fully prepared to walk away, and and knows that, but I'm not going to do that to scare her back.

 

She thinks she is screwed if we divorce. That's far from the case. I spelled it out to her on a piece of paper and said, here's what's going to happen if we divorce and here's a simple assent division with estimated child support and alimony. I want her back because she wants to be there not because she is afraid of the alternatives. And BTW, the alternative doesn't look too bad for her.

[Doorstopper]

She hasn't offer you her truth and transparency. You've chased truth... And are minimizing to reduce her damage she's caused.

 

She hasn't given any peace of mind.

 

 

There's no way to build or rebuild any relationship when there's this much deception.

 

YOUR efforts are futile.

 

The only thing I don't know is whether the Instagram account has been used. I have access to account. The only thing there are pictures from 5 years ago. Yes everything could have been deleted. But if she said yes I used, I wouldn't be doubting. So if she was, why not just admit it?

 

Are there other contact methods they used? IDK, I have no reason to believe but , reason to doubt, obviously.

 

If she had other contact methods, why would she even bother to go back to a dice game I knew about?

 

Love is obviously blind. Someone tell me where all the deception is?

Edited November 1, 2015 by Doorstopper

[S2B]

Deception equals not being honest.

 

She isn't offering you peace of mind = you don't have a solid foundation for the relationship = you have nothing to work with that is REAL.

 

 

 

You are wasting time and energy chasing what she may have done... It's useless because she isn't respectful of you and your feelings.

 

The relationship has sunk. It takes two people to resurrect it - yet only one person is attempting to bring it to the surface while the other person is shoving back under water so the truth isn't a known entity.

 

Sometimes it's a MORE useful path to admit the ship sunk! Move forward and build a new ship with a person who is honest and puts honest effort into building that NEW ship.

[qubist]

I've spoken to my lawyer, he says go the MC route first. I think she needs to handle her depression before we are going to get anywhere.

First of all I suggested to talk to a lawyer to prepare for the worst not to file for D, just know what potential obstacle you might have to face if things go south and be prepared for them. 2nd MC is not a place to treat her depression, she will need an individual counseling for that. MC is more for people that are confused about things in the relationship and need professional guidance, but they have to have the will to be in that relationship first which I'm not sure she does yet. do not waist your money and time on MC right now you might consider IC for both of you separately or at least for her.

I've been thinking about this for a couple of days. Isn't this whole separate, everything, walk to divorce today, nothing more than a game. Its a way to scare the **** out your partner so that they come back to you. I'm fully prepared to walk away, and and knows that, but I'm not going to do that to scare her back.

 

She thinks she is screwed if we divorce. That's far from the case. I spelled it out to her on a piece of paper and said, here's what's going to happen if we divorce and here's a simple assent division with estimated child support and alimony. I want her back because she wants to be there not because she is afraid of the alternatives. And BTW, the alternative doesn't look too bad for her.

 

no it is never about scaring her back or intimidating her, because if she checked out of the marriage there will be nothing to fear from her perspective.this is not what we meant. It seems like you are the one who's scared of the consequences of a possible divorce. it is about forcing her out of the bubble of the affair. affair is like a drug addiction, unless she is forced out of it it would drag for a long time. you are just telling her that it is not acceptable you are helping her make a decisions not scaring her

[Just a Guy]

KHi Doorstopper, I'm sorry that you are facing an unpleasant situation not of your own making and which involves the one person who you should be able to trust blindly. While it is no doubt something you would rather avoid you will finally have to face it head on and take the bull by the horns. What seems apparent from your posts is that you are waffling, so to say, beating about the bush and not being hard nosed enough about it.

 

The fact is that you have the essential information about your wife's infidelity. You also know for a fact that she is not being forthright in her disclosure about the affair and most of the information you have has been gathered by you yourself. Also, and this is I think the most important factor, your wife is not showing true remorse and as others have pointed out, has shown no concern for the pain and hurt that you have suffered. It seems it is all about her own hurt at her party being disrupted by you and possibly the fact that her OM has been lying to her. In this kind of a situation you should be moving decisively to safeguard your own peace of mind and self respect rather than worrying as to whether she is suffering from depression and whether she needs help in that department. She can worry about that herself. You need to concern yourself with your own mental and physical wellbeing. However you are still worrying about inessential details such as an instagram messaging service that she may or may not have used and are trying to juggle statistics to try and convince your self that the number of inappropriate pictures of herself that she sent the OM were actually fewer than what you had thought previously.

You have all the evidence you need to start the divorce proceedings because your wife is using you as the back up plan in case her OM dumps her which he probably has already done. She needs to face that consequences of her actions and treatment of you as there are no mitigating factors in her favour. As had been said so often on this forum, you can always stop the proceedings at any time you feel that she has come down from cloud nine and is ready to face real life with you again. Please do give all this a thought and be decisive in what you do otherwise you will end up like the guy I wrote about in an earlier post. Cheers!

Edited November 1, 2015 by Just a Guy

[66Charger]

Your wife is being truthful to you.

 

She is waiting on a call from another man. She doesnt know if she wants to be with you. She does know that she wants to be with him.

 

Fact.

 

You are second choice. And you will accept that because the AP isnt leaving his family.

 

No matter what anyone writes here, your desperation is apparent to everyone, including your wife. It doesn't matter if she comes back, you will always know she left you for him. If the AP left his wife, would she leave you? Ask her.

[Doorstopper]

Your wife is being truthful to you.

 

She is waiting on a call from another man. She doesnt know if she wants to be with you. She does know that she wants to be with him.

 

Fact.

 

You are second choice. And you will accept that because the AP isnt leaving his family.

 

No matter what anyone writes here, your desperation is apparent to everyone, including your wife. It doesn't matter if she comes back, you will always know she left you for him. If the AP left his wife, would she leave you? Ask her.[/quote

That's sounds ust about right though OM is gone and no she doed not want to be with him. I'm trying to be strong, but this sucks.

 

Week 2 of this ordeal starts soon. I'll see what counseling brings tromorrow. I'm sure we will both end up with IC before it's over.

[qubist]

Good luck Doorstoper, take care of yourself, focus on you. experience like these will either make you or brake you. get an IC for yourself.

[ShatteredLady]

Hey! I'm still VERY aware of the short time that you've had to START to process this situation. I remember the whirlwind of emotional insanity I was feeling.

 

Do you know yet exactly what YOU want? I know my first answer was "I want this to of never happened"....so what's the second thing you want to happen? Do you know yet?

[Doorstopper]

Hey! I'm still VERY aware of the short time that you've had to START to process this situation. I remember the whirlwind of emotional insanity I was feeling.

 

Do you know yet exactly what YOU want? I know my first answer was "I want this to of never happened"....so what's the second thing you want to happen? Do you know yet?

 

I want there top be an US, but more importantly, I want both of us to be Happy. If together, I don't want to get back to where we once were, I want it to be better.

[DKT3]

I want there top be an US, but more importantly, I want both of us to be Happy. If together, I don't want to get back to where we once were, I want it to be better.

 

 

Shatteredlady makes a really good point. I think most of us get into the win them back mode, once the situation actually sets in you come understand that its not what you want at all. That is still down the road abit.

 

Right now you have to draw your line in the sand, you have to make her understand what your unwilling to accept. WW's tend to want to run and hide, stall and keep the BH in limbo as they allow time for the MM to make a decision. In this case you HAVE TO start moving your train in the other direction. Starting the divorce process is a timely situation, one in which you can always change your course.

 

Its not a matter of trying to shock or scare her back into the marriage, its about you taking a stand as to what you will not accept. Wife or not you have to be in control of the direction your life goes. Secondly, if you limp around the situation it allows her to dictate 100% the direction of your marriage and life. Women react to strong actions.

[m.snow]

What I could recommend is for you to go have counseling by yourself at first, it is always important to ask a professional for help.

 

If your wife decides to go to marriage counseling.

that could be a positive sign.

 

for this relationship to continue, she must show that she is willing ie by going to counseling on her own accord.

 

Understand that it will take time to heal.

 

Know that what you are experiencing right now is felt by millions of others who had been cheated on.

 

You are Not Alone in this.

[Chrisstro6692]

Im sure someone has probably said this already, but at this point in what you have found out, you have to assume the worst in anything that comes up about her. She has to re-gain your trust if you can get past this. In my opinion, she might as well have been screwing this guy. Ive been married for 23 yrs, if I found something like this, I would be done. For her to tell you that she loves this guy and couldn't tell you the same, is a slap in the face, but this is your relationship not mine. I would not be someone's second choice.

 

 

Good luck to you. God Bless.

[66Charger]

Doorstopper, what you have to realise, is that your actions right now are not just about the first affair. Your actions are about preventing a second affair.

 

This is why most here suggest you file and why it is imperative that you do so. Again, you can withdraw it at anytime. You must SHOW, DONT JUST TALK divorce as beung the outcome of infidelity. You teach people how to treat you. Her lesson should not be she can have a affair, hide things, not show remorse, anxiously look at her phone and you will accept it with a few MC sessions. You are waiting for her to "love" you again?

 

Right now you talk the talk, but you have to walk the walk. Dont fear divorce. Fear not divorcing and that this may happen again.

 

Siince you wish to reconcile, file, for all your tomorrows.

 

I will wish you and yours well.

[Doorstopper]

Doorstopper, what you have to realise, is that your actions right now are not just about the first affair. Your actions are about preventing a second affair.

 

This is why most here suggest you file and why it is imperative that you do so. Again, you can withdraw it at anytime. You must SHOW, DONT JUST TALK divorce as beung the outcome of infidelity. You teach people how to treat you. Her lesson should not be she can have a affair, hide things, not show remorse, anxiously look at her phone and you will accept it with a few MC sessions. You are waiting for her to "love" you again?

 

Right now you talk the talk, but you have to walk the walk. Dont fear divorce. Fear not divorcing and that this may happen again.

 

Siince you wish to reconcile, file, for all your tomorrows.

 

I will wish you and yours well.

 

One thing I feel I need to do first, is get to the point where I am totally reasonable and in control of myself. I think I'm within a few days of that, but I'm not there yet.`I don't want a divorce filing to look like something that's been done because I'm angry after an argument.

 

Counseling was somewhat encouraging last night, but actions speak louder than words.

Edited November 3, 2015 by Doorstopper

[qubist]

One thing I feel I need to do first, is get to the point where I am totally reasonable and in control of myself. I think I'm within a few days of that, but I'm not there yet.`I don't want a divorce filing to look like something that's been done because I'm angry after an argument.

take care of yourself, you are at your most venerable state and need to gain control. I see that you want to be patient and do not want to make rational decision yet, but that doesn't mean you should tolerate any deceptions or lies from her. when we suggested to consider divorce it wasn't meant to be an angry reaction, not at all, it is just away to show her that you are firm that her affair is not acceptable. I don't know where you live but in most places in the world Divorce is a long process any way

Counseling was somewhat encouraging last night, but actions speak louder than words.

I'm glad to hear that, but stay vigilant, because people in the fog of the affair somehow develop great deceiving and manipulating skills. it would've been nice if she also had individual counseling too.