Wife had a sext/text affair.

[Doorstopper]

Thanks, I'll take a look.

 

Again she offered to leave her phone.

 

I told her I was done with her childish threats. She also went looking and found a app called dumpster last night that saves deleted files. I'm starting to believe that maybe I am being played.

 

Thanks for the strength. I know everything I'm doing is not 100% in my best interests, but I think I'm getting there.

 

I have no choice but to presume there is continued contact.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have no choice but to presume there is continued contact.

 

And act accordingly. As others have said, time to lawyer up. It's OK to hope for the best but in these situations one needs to plan for the worst. Right now you have an unrepentant spouse set on continuing her affair. Not a recipe for recovery ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Doorstopper]

I just left a message with one of my Lawyer neighbors. We are only acquaintances so don't think there is any conflict although I have heard his partner is good.

[Try]

Again she offered to leave her phone.

Her leaving the phone is easy if she has taken it underground and found a different way to communicate with him, such as a burner phone or using a cheap laptop with an Internet connection.

[mystikmind2005]

She is being honest about that!

 

Contacting eachother 100 times a day for 9 months. Saying "I love you". Planning, dreaming, lying, fantasizing, sexting. It is cheating. It is an affair. It is DEVASTATING! For many the emotional aspect of an affair is the worst part. It was for me. I can understand the logic of removing everything except the physical part & it won't 'mean' as much & is less damaging. I believe in KEEPING the emotional AND the physical for my H.

 

I've had the misfortune of reading some of my H & OW emails during their EA. It's cruel, heart-breaking infidelity. It's the lies, the intimacy, the sharing of private, personal husband & wife things. Reading the cruelest, heartless, derogatory things said about yourself written by the one person you trust your life & heart to, have shared your adult life with. Had your children with. Your partner. Your rock. Your love. Your best friend. Your Family! I don't understand that anyone would make light of an EA. It's brutal.

 

 

It's only been days. It's a nightmare experience. This....

 

Quote - "Probably not healthy advice, but if it was me, i would have kept quiet and enjoyed my new revived sex life and perhaps sent him a thank you text!!".

 

....upset me as a persons who's life's been shattered by an EA recently.

 

That i can understand, sorry to upset you, but also i have endured both EA and full cheating and never done it to anyone else, so i believe i have earn't the right to my opinion too

[Doorstopper]

You are doing a great job drawing a hard line in the sand. You either want to be in an open relationship or not in an open relationship. It's pretty simple. Nobody here is suggesting anything that could even be construed as outlandish by a spouse interested in reconciliation. Transparency and No Contact should be givens.

 

Lastly, you can Facebook message people and have it not go to the "Other" folder.

 

Facebook's $1 messages: One more way to get your credit card - CNET

 

It'll be the best $5 that you ever spend

 

Talked to his wife tonight. She seemed more concerned about weather or not they ever had physical contact. She was concerned and very apologetic. She said that they have had problems in the past. but had seem to work things out, or so she thought.

 

I was able to delete the messages, but I think his son might have seen it based on the way facebook still showed him as a messaging contact. I do feel guilty and wish I never did that but its hard to get everything correct.

 

More importantly my wife has gone to a hotel for the weekend. She has already said, you can do what you want with my phone when I get back. These mind games suck. I do still think it a mind game but am moving forward like the contacts are continuing. I felt like i was on a bike playing chicken with an 18 wheeler. But I stayed strong and won (not that there are any winners).

[Ladyjane14]

Ugh! What a mess! First things first though... what is it that you're trying to accomplish? Do you want to recover your marriage or do you want a divorce? Because if you want to recover your marriage, you can't afford to act in haste and in anger. You've been given advice to contact the AP's wife and bust him. While I do understand the reasoning behind it, I don't know that it's worth the enmity it will cause down the pike.

 

It's completely true that you do have to draw a line in the sand. You do have to be willing to give up the marriage rather than to tolerate continued contact with the AP. She's got to make a decision as to whether she's in or out, and you've got to be clear that anything less than 100% "in" is unacceptable to you. There are no chains on the doors or bars on the windows, so if she wants to go... it's lawyers on Main Street at high noon.

 

Here's the bottom line on reconciliation though... betrayal is all about one partner making unilateral decisions that deeply affect the life of the other. So, you're not reconciling when YOU are also making autonomous decisions for the both of you.

 

My advice?.. (and people are going to argue back)... Start with "are you in or are you out?" and hold. Don't cajole or punish, just wait. If she's "out", you're free to make all the unilateral decisions you like. But if she's "in"... you make those decisions together.

 

Ultimately, when a couple chooses recovery, alot of these early decisions about who and what to tell people end up creating more problems and more distrust. Recovery happens in a safe environment that you both create together. So, do you tolerate more contact with the AP?... no. Do you tolerate more than a couple of days of indecision on her part?... no. Do you make unilateral decisions before you know which way the wind is blowing... no.

 

You don't have to be a doormat, but if you stay together, you can't be an ADVERSARY either. It's completely possible to draw that line in the sand without crossing it yourself.

[Doorstopper]

I know what your saying but the I won't give you access to my phone is a show stopper. This is 4 days in and she contacted him 2x after saying she wouldn't. If she says she's in, how can I believe her at this point. I want to believe her, but there's not enough trust anywhere, yet.

 

She got caught, lied about contact once, lied about contact twice. I have to assume its going to end bad although I've made it perfectly clear that I do not want that outcome and I don't think its going to end up that way.

[Ladyjane14]

Talked to his wife tonight. She seemed more concerned about weather or not they ever had physical contact. She was concerned and very apologetic. She said that they have had problems in the past. but had seem to work things out, or so she thought.

 

I was able to delete the messages, but I think his son might have seen it based on the way facebook still showed him as a messaging contact. I do feel guilty and wish I never did that but its hard to get everything correct.

 

More importantly my wife has gone to a hotel for the weekend. She has already said, you can do what you want with my phone when I get back. These mind games suck. I do still think it a mind game but am moving forward like the contacts are continuing. I felt like i was on a bike playing chicken with an 18 wheeler. But I stayed strong and won (not that there are any winners).

 

Water under the bridge now, huh?

 

Well, she's likely to go off like a ballistic missile.. but if she wants back into the marriage, remain calm, let her vent, and try not to escalate the conflict until she's blown herself out.

[Lion Heart]

Doorstopper, you are doing SO SO WELL!

 

I did NOT fare as well as you in the beginning at all. I found LS and here I found the support AND the mechanisms to MOVE REAL FAST. I can't IMAGINE the worse mess I would've ended up suffering through if I hadn't found LS. Stick with us. Our experiences are worth NOTHING but our own pain if we can't support other betrayed spouses. Many people here share your pain BUT we know what worked and what failed.

 

NC feels counter intuitive BUT it's THE BEST mode to operate from immediately WHEN YOUR WAYWARD SPOUSE SHOWS NO REMORSE FOR THEIR AFFAIR.

 

They may show embarrassment, discomfort, shock and even cry but you need to see GUILT, RESPONSIBILITY for their affair and REMORSE. Unless you see the latter, imho there is no hope for a true R off the bat. It may come but it's like banking on an illusion.

 

I ALSO WANTED MY MARRIAGE to work desperately.

But... it wasn't UNTIL I did EVERYTHING (moved all $$$ to no WH accessable accounts, got paperwork to sell the home, planned my and my children's exit to the last detail, kicked him out, went NC whilst WH lived here and after he left, got IC x 50, got legal advice about Child Access in negotiations with what the children wanted ONLY what the children wanted! Etc) that the REALITY of the CONSEQUENCES of WH As hit home. I might add that he sought IC & MC & psychiatry and psychology and medication - ALL contrary to what he thought he needed UNTIL our GP took it upon herself to tell him that his life would ALWAYS be Wayward UNLESS he sought help.

 

It does appear that you want to stay M to your WW. But it is not clear to YOU if she wants the same.

 

You will hear this echoed in the responses over and over again.

It is not UNTIL YOU are willing to risk everything THAT you force a decision from an unrepentant WS. Yes you may D.

A R may be on the table at a later date. It's clear by HER actions that she is nowhere near ready to do 'Everything a WS needs to to heal their BS after an A'. Without that readiness, you will just swim in a horrible mire that you hope is R.

 

There are prerequisites for R. These are clear to me AFTER 10 months on LS. There isn't a List provided I know of, so that doesn't help the analytical list makers like you and I Doorstopper! Lol. But be sure there is.

 

If you want to be as mentally healthy as possible MUCH FASTER then NC is the only way.

 

Please visit Chumplady. You will be floored by the common behaviours of cheaters. It will help you get your head around this whole world (yuk I know! ) but it will also help you laugh through your tears.

 

X Lion Heart.

[Ladyjane14]

I know what your saying but the I won't give you access to my phone is a show stopper. This is 4 days in and she contacted him 2x after saying she wouldn't. If she says she's in, how can I believe her at this point. I want to believe her, but there's not enough trust anywhere, yet.

 

She got caught, lied about contact once, lied about contact twice. I have to assume its going to end bad although I've made it perfectly clear that I do not want that outcome and I don't think its going to end up that way.

 

They almost always continue to lie. And yet, nearly 70% of marriages stay together. You can expect about a month of waffling, even after a wayward says they'll stop. Infatuations work on the brain pretty much the same way cocaine does. It's addictive behavior in alot of respects.

 

Even after you've drawn your line.. she's gonna test your boundary, and probably more than once. When she does, ask your "in or out" question again. If you have to ask more than twice, contact an attorney. That usually gets a wayward's attention.

 

The important bit is that YOU are always honest, up-front, calm, and in control of yourself. You can't make her choices for her, but you can damned sure make your own, right? So, uphold the standards of treatment that you believe in.

[Lion Heart]

I just read your post about your conversation with the APs BW. Then your next one.

As I thought, the other BS is gonna be a rug sweeper!

She's been here before. Where SHE is only concerned about the 'physical contact' or no. You are concerned about the 'emotional' aspects of the A. Both are valid and each person has their 'own issues' regarding their importance. Both valid. Maybe the other BS is NOT as concerned about her WH EA because it was ONLY an EA. She may not realize these are MORE powerful once the connection is there. Her problem.

 

Wipe that. Well done though! It's the stone unturned that you may feel uncomfortable about later on.

 

Your WW is continuing to contact her AP and hiding it and lying. You may have expected this considering she didn't care what effect this EA had on YOU! No guilt or very little. But I say NO GUILT because she's continuing the EA.

 

Plus HER demands for returning? Ludicrous.

Based on her demands that the whole thing is rugswept WHILST she continues? Back to Business As Usual like before your D Day. Horrible.

 

So unless you are willing to live with her doing this and possibly using family resources to pursue more? Ie an Open M, then you've got to act accordingly. I'd rather a single life 1,000,000 x more than an open M. But that's your choice to make.

 

Good luck.

 

Make LOTS of plans to keep yourself busy this weekend. Hit the town if you want! Read up. Plan. Do whatever takes your fancy.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart.

[qubist]

 

Even after you've drawn your line.. she's gonna test your boundary, and probably more than once. When she does, ask your "in or out" question again. If you have to ask more than twice, contact an attorney. That usually gets a wayward's attention.

.

she is already testing his boundary and sees them shaky., that's why she had the gut to act that way.

yes i do agree that contacting attorney is a big message that screams " my boundaries are strong".

OP: if you don't put your foot down this will drag for a long period of time.

by the way who is she with in the hotel:sick:?

[sandylee1]

 

If your wife isn't into the marriage then you need to get out, not sit around and wait for her boyfriend....

 

I don't mean to t/j but the use of the term 'boyfriend' in these infidelity situations isn't great at all.

[Doorstopper]

she is already testing his boundary and sees them shaky., that's why she had the gut to act that way.

yes i do agree that contacting attorney is a big message that screams " my boundaries are strong".

OP: if you don't put your foot down this will drag for a long period of time.

by the way who is she with in the hotel:sick:?

 

We have a 12 year old daughter.

 

She called a few minutes ago. There is definitely a tone change. I heard "I won't contact him" a few times, without me asking.

 

She found out that his wife knows. She was in the bathroom when I walked outside with the phone. She heard me ask is this *^*^%? I was hoping to keep that a secret as a check. If she found out that I talked to the wife, it would have had to come from him. She was not at all upset about that conversation.

[Ladyjane14]

she is already testing his boundary and sees them shaky., that's why she had the gut to act that way.

yes i do agree that contacting attorney is a big message that screams " my boundaries are strong".

OP: if you don't put your foot down this will drag for a long period of time.

by the way who is she with in the hotel:sick:?

 

They pretty much ALL "act that way" right after D-Day though. Straddling the fence is what waywards are all about. That sense of indecision is why they don't walk out before they cheat.

 

I'm not saying that you don't set boundaries or that you don't enforce them. What I am saying is that you don't exacerbate a sense of distrust on both sides with your own behavior. Sure, there are some compelling reasons to tell the other betrayed spouse. But there are also compelling reasons not to. For one, you can inadvertently end up pushing the affair partners together by getting the AP kicked out. But more importantly, you've established yourself as someone who will behave punitively and unilaterally.

 

I know it will disappoint Lion Heart.. (who I just enjoy the heck out of, btw.. awesome style), but I don't agree with the Chump Lady's final analysis. I'm more on board with John Gottman or Shirley Glass. You've got to get out of "the nasty box", you've got to put up "walls" with outsiders and open "windows" to your mate. You've got to create a safe, accepting environment for reconciliation to happen where you can really talk.

 

It's early days here. The wife hasn't really committed yet. But we all know that REAL commitment seldom happens without some initial backsliding. I think it's somewhat unfair of us not to prep the OP with that little tidbit as well.

[ShatteredLady]

I know it's still REALLY, REALLY early days. I said to my H that he'd had 9months, every moment of everyday knowing what was happening in OUR life. I'd had 1 WEEK, in shock, broken hearted, to start to process things!!! You're in such different places at the moment.

 

I think you're actually doing well. I was just completely overwhelmed, going days without eating or sleeping, full of crazy at this point after our D-Day.

 

Eventually we had a conversation which basically started with me saying that we can work on reconciliation as long as the OW is GONE. Then we focused on what we saw as the 'Perfect Marriage' for US. How to build an even better relationship than we had EVER had. Rather than focusing on everything that was wrong, the hurt, the pain, the betrayal...we started talking about the good, positive things that we have, that we could build on in the future. (Obviously we returned to all the bad stuff on other occasions. It's necessary for R. But this conversation allowed BOTH of us to drop our defenses & stop the gas-lighting, trickle truth etc). It was a major turning point for both of us.

 

I've already stated that my H doesn't deal with guilt, criticism, embarrassment etc well. This approach stopped his defense mechanism & opened-up more honest dialogue between us.

 

This is so new to you. Your poor head must be spinning! At one point I told my H that he had created my crazy & NOTHING that I said or did (when I was basically having a mental breakdown) could be thrown back at me in arguments.

 

Remember what I said before....This is so new. You DON'T need to be making forever descisions right now. It's about surviving, collecting & processing information AND making sure that you don't start burning bridges until you've actually figured out exactly what's been going on & deciding if you can live with it.

 

Please take care of yourself the best you can. Don't beat yourself-up for errors in judgement...dont beat yourself up for ANYTHING!! You're just doing the best you can under horrific, soul destroying, life changing circumstances. Best wishes.

[Doorstopper]

I know it's still REALLY, REALLY early days. I said to my H that he'd had 9months, every moment of everyday knowing what was happening in OUR life. I'd had 1 WEEK, in shock, broken hearted, to start to process things!!! You're in such different places at the moment.

 

I think you're actually doing well. I was just completely overwhelmed, going days without eating or sleeping, full of crazy at this point after our D-Day.

 

^^^This is/was me: Lost almost 10lbs this week, have slept about 10 hrs total over 4 nights. Today is the first day I've eaten normally.

 

Eventually we had a conversation which basically started with me saying that we can work on reconciliation as long as the OW is GONE. Then we focused on what we saw as the 'Perfect Marriage' for US. How to build an even better relationship than we had EVER had. Rather than focusing on everything that was wrong, the hurt, the pain, the betrayal...we started talking about the good, positive things that we have, that we could build on in the future. (Obviously we returned to all the bad stuff on other occasions. It's necessary for R. But this conversation allowed BOTH of us to drop our defenses & stop the gas-lighting, trickle truth etc). It was a major turning point for both of us.

 

I've already stated that my H doesn't deal with guilt, criticism, embarrassment etc well. This approach stopped his defense mechanism & opened-up more honest dialogue between us.

 

^^ This is my wife. GREAT IDEAS!

 

This is so new to you. Your poor head must be spinning! At one point I told my H that he had created my crazy & NOTHING that I said or did (when I was basically having a mental breakdown) could be thrown back at me in arguments.

 

Remember what I said before....This is so new. You DON'T need to be making forever descisions right now. It's about surviving, collecting & processing information AND making sure that you don't start burning bridges until you've actually figured out exactly what's been going on & deciding if you can live with it.

 

Please take care of yourself the best you can. Don't beat yourself-up for errors in judgement...dont beat yourself up for ANYTHING!! You're just doing the best you can under horrific, soul destroying, life changing circumstances. Best wishes.

 

Thanks.

 

I teach a couple of nights a week in an Associates program. When my students excel, I'll bring in pizza. I wish i could send a couple of dozen pizzas around to this group.

[qubist]

Thanks.

 

I teach a couple of nights a week in an Associates program. When my students excel, I'll bring in pizza. I wish i could send a couple of dozen pizzas around to this group.

 

i like mine with extra cheese and pepperoni

[TX-SC]

Reading your thread, I get the impression that it's only you that is trying to save your marriage. Your wife continues her affair even now. Even if you stop this one, another will follow. See a lawyer.

[wmacbride]

My H had an A some time ago, and we were able to successfully R.

 

I can say two things that might help you.

 

If your W is still in the affair fog and denying reality, there is not a lot you can do because she will not see that anything she is doing is wrong. She will twist it to turn it into you being wrong. That affair fog is like a high, and she will do anything to keep it going.

 

What worked for me was to start the process of leaving. I didn't talk to him about it and there was no discussion. I did not give him the choice of staying or going. . He found out I was making plans to leave, and it didn't take long for his to bubble pop. That is when we were able to start R. Before you reach that place, you are wasting your time trying to R.

[Marc878]

If you stay strong and set boundaries that actually mean something you have a chance.

 

Being weak in this situation will get you nowhere. There are no excuses for bringing another man into your marriage. If you allow that or rugsweep it the marriage won't be worth it.

 

It's your life too. I'd tell her to make up her mind or you'll move on and find her replacement. Maybe when she sees the consequences from her cheating she'll wake up.

 

She is a cheater. So you treat her like one until she can earn your trust back.

[PegNosePete]

I heard "I won't contact him" a few times, without me asking.

 

She found out that his wife knows

Well, the second sentence explains the first.

 

She was obviously in contact with him. He told her that his wife has found out and that they have to stop contact, because his wife told him that she will divorce him if he talks to her one more time. as predicted earlier in this thread, he has thrown her under the bus to save his own marriage.

 

Your wife has got dumped and is now trying to backtrack. Crawling back to you. Trying to recover the marriage because you're good old Mr. Reliable Gullible Take All The Carp she can dish out! She isn't coming back to you because she is remorseful and loves you and is 100% committed to making the marriage work. She is coming back to you because she got dumped.

 

Will you be her 2nd choice? Will you take her back after what she has done to you?

 

I certainly wouldn't.

[qubist]

Well, the second sentence explains the first.

 

She was obviously in contact with him. He told her that his wife has found out and that they have to stop contact, because his wife told him that she will divorce him if he talks to her one more time. as predicted earlier in this thread, he has thrown her under the bus to save his own marriage.

 

Your wife has got dumped and is now trying to backtrack. Crawling back to you. Trying to recover the marriage because you're good old Mr. Reliable Gullible Take All The Carp she can dish out! She isn't coming back to you because she is remorseful and loves you and is 100% committed to making the marriage work. She is coming back to you because she got dumped.

 

Will you be her 2nd choice? Will you take her back after what she has done to you?

 

I certainly wouldn't.

It could be even worse, if this like any typical MW-MM affair they could be just calming the storm since his wife found out. She is probably just playing him until her AP assures his wife.

[S2B]

We have a 12 year old daughter.

 

She called a few minutes ago. There is definitely a tone change. I heard "I won't contact him" a few times, without me asking.

 

She found out that his wife knows. She was in the bathroom when I walked outside with the phone. She heard me ask is this *^*^%? I was hoping to keep that a secret as a check. If she found out that I talked to the wife, it would have had to come from him. She was not at all upset about that conversation.

 

You don't know for sure that his wife knows until you talk directly to her.

 

 

Call her today. Or go to her house to find out for sure.

 

Your wife keeps contacting him because you haven't given her anything to be scared about.

 

What consequences do you plan to implement?

Edited October 30, 2015 by S2B