My Wife left me for another man and now she wants to get back to me

[Popsicle]

You are still healing - but THAT is your right path. She had her fun, it backfired and now she wants you back. Let her continue with her weirdo theatre people. You want to start afresh? Do it! Clean! Fresh! Without a cheater.

 

This is the new energy. The new you. What are you gonan do? Stick around and have kids with her?

 

You're lucky you don't. Make a clean break, no contact it. Don't date for a year. Cry your eyes out, work hard, stay away from drugs and then - when you're REALLY ready - meet a new girl. Not online, but in public.

 

That's my advice to you snakebite. All the best.

 

Yes please please do this! (And I would advise this even if you had kids)

[Clay]

Dear All,

Thanks a lot for your kind words and for taking time out to help me. Apologies for going AWOL, I had a bit of travel on work.

Special thanks to BetrayedH for all the patience and concern.

I have decided to take your advice and go ahead with the divorce. I know I need to stay strong for the remaining 6 weeks before the court date (a few court holidays and hence the date has been pushed to mid Dec). Every time I have felt weak, I have come back and re-read all your wise thoughts. I have also told her that its too soon for me right now and that we should go ahead with the divorce and that our paths may cross again in the future and we can see how to take it then. I am excited and scared about this new lease of life, so lets see what life has in store for me!

 

Your going to do it. Once you really start to open your eyes and see just what all is out there for you. Your thoughts about your stbx will be less and less. It just takes time.

 

C

[OldRover]

Snakebite,

 

You've got a ton of advise here, and some pretty good. As I've mentioned before, there's a LOT of folks here that advocate splitting up permanently and never looking back, and that'a a choice. There is probably a lot more to your story than just this thread.

 

The idea of keeping the divorce on schedule is probably a smart one. Sounds like it's really all over except for the judges signature in a few weeks. It would be hell not to conclude this, get back together and have to start all over several months or years later.

 

You can be divorced and maintain a reasonable relationship with your X. There's a lot of dynamics to a successful reconciliation. She MUST be totally remorseful and transparent with the affair. And they you'll both have to examine what you really will have if you get back together and how you both will improve things. Other factors about success.... if neither of you have had a previous affair, or drugs, alcohol or finances were a big problem. You don't mention them, so I'll assume not an issue. There's lot's of show stoppers that can kill a marriage, but seems like your major issue is her infidelity and getting that totally solved. That will be a must. Can we also assume that she is NOT living with her AP, and is on her own?

 

It can be done, and statistics are for that to happen. MOST exs that want to get back together do so, and MOST are successful, and a LOT of them end up with a better relationship. That's a fact.

 

If you totally shut her out, with NC at all, time will erode your chances to get back together. You will meet someone and so will she. And that's a choice.

 

If you spend some time dating her, and have some good talks and understandings on how things can improve, you'll have a chance. And you can take your time. You can hear what she says, but more important, you can observe her changes and see how she will accept her responsibilities to make things work. And you can always stop things and just leave, as she can.

 

Personally, I feel you have little to loose if you date for awhile. You're already hurt (she probably is, too), and hopefully in time you'll find if things will work or not. You should have a pretty good feel about things in a few months... but it may take a year or more to get back to a totally trusting relationship. You will both have to work hard to be a part of each others lives, even though you're opposites. (And yes, opposites work, I'm in that situation).

 

You do have some big advantages... there are no kids to burden the decisions, and you're still young. You also should know each other fairly well, with 17 years behind you. And you should have a pretty good idea of what would trigger success in your relationship, should you stay together.

 

Best to you.

[regret143]

Snakebite,

 

You've got a ton of advise here, and some pretty good. As I've mentioned before, there's a LOT of folks here that advocate splitting up permanently and never looking back, and that'a a choice. There is probably a lot more to your story than just this thread.

 

The idea of keeping the divorce on schedule is probably a smart one. Sounds like it's really all over except for the judges signature in a few weeks. It would be hell not to conclude this, get back together and have to start all over several months or years later.

 

You can be divorced and maintain a reasonable relationship with your X. There's a lot of dynamics to a successful reconciliation. She MUST be totally remorseful and transparent with the affair. And they you'll both have to examine what you really will have if you get back together and how you both will improve things. Other factors about success.... if neither of you have had a previous affair, or drugs, alcohol or finances were a big problem. You don't mention them, so I'll assume not an issue. There's lot's of show stoppers that can kill a marriage, but seems like your major issue is her infidelity and getting that totally solved. That will be a must. Can we also assume that she is NOT living with her AP, and is on her own?

 

It can be done, and statistics are for that to happen. MOST exs that want to get back together do so, and MOST are successful, and a LOT of them end up with a better relationship. That's a fact.

 

If you totally shut her out, with NC at all, time will erode your chances to get back together. You will meet someone and so will she. And that's a choice.

 

If you spend some time dating her, and have some good talks and understandings on how things can improve, you'll have a chance. And you can take your time. You can hear what she says, but more important, you can observe her changes and see how she will accept her responsibilities to make things work. And you can always stop things and just leave, as she can.

 

Personally, I feel you have little to loose if you date for awhile. You're already hurt (she probably is, too), and hopefully in time you'll find if things will work or not. You should have a pretty good feel about things in a few months... but it may take a year or more to get back to a totally trusting relationship. You will both have to work hard to be a part of each others lives, even though you're opposites. (And yes, opposites work, I'm in that situation).

 

You do have some big advantages... there are no kids to burden the decisions, and you're still young. You also should know each other fairly well, with 17 years behind you. And you should have a pretty good idea of what would trigger success in your relationship, should you stay together.

 

Best to you.

 

Been there, done that.

The problem is: will you be able do 'date' her again without looking at her face and seeing the cheater? Will you be able to think that she really wants an "artsy" idiot, and you are not that? (dont get me wrong, I'm an engineer, so I think you are far better than that). Will you be able to have sex with her and not wonder if she liked it better with him?

 

I also tried to get her back. I couldn't do any of the things above. I became so unhappy and "grudgy", that she ended up leaving me, how ironic...

[qubist]

snakebites82:

i'm glad you were able to makea decision, it took some a longer time to do it. it is sad that you were willing to reconcile but she didn't put an effort. I know some that were involved in an affair and were willing to do all the heavy lifting to reconcile but never got a chance. you did give her that chance which should at least put you in peace.

I wonder how is she reacting to the divorce now knowing that you are moving on. do not give her any impression that you might consider getting back together after divorce. in fact show her that you are working on moving on completely. nothing should change after divorce which means unless she owns up to her affair and show remorse and willingness to do the heavy lifting you shouldn't be looking back.

by the way there are other women other than her, trust me they do exist

[chew123]

Oldrover,

 

"It can be done, and statistics are for that to happen. MOST exs that want to get back together do so, and MOST are successful, and a LOT of them end up with a better relationship. That's a fact."

 

I don't want to hijack the thread but I find this ludicrous. You suggest that having an affair actually improved the marriage. And that its a fact.

 

First of all that would be a very difficult fact to prove. Anecdotally I know a few couples who have stayed married after affairs. The legacy is screwed up kids and unhappy spouses. And a complete lack of trust. I am sure that some couples do get back together and have happy lives but most? I seriously doubt it.

 

As a BS I consider myself lucky that my spouse left me for the AP. If she had tried to come back I suspect I would have taken her and lived an unauthentic life with a person of lesser character. And I would have shown my son that horrendous behavior is ok.

[snakebites82]

Old Rover

That is exactly I intend to do. Get on with the divorce and if she is still interested date and see how things go. She still has access to me via Whatsapp...but even now she blames the marriage for her actions. I dont see her TRULY remorseful...lets see if she ever gets there...thanks for your advice

[snakebites82]

snakebites82:

i'm glad you were able to makea decision, it took some a longer time to do it. it is sad that you were willing to reconcile but she didn't put an effort. I know some that were involved in an affair and were willing to do all the heavy lifting to reconcile but never got a chance. you did give her that chance which should at least put you in peace.

I wonder how is she reacting to the divorce now knowing that you are moving on. do not give her any impression that you might consider getting back together after divorce. in fact show her that you are working on moving on completely. nothing should change after divorce which means unless she owns up to her affair and show remorse and willingness to do the heavy lifting you shouldn't be looking back.

by the way there are other women other than her, trust me they do exist

qubist

Yes I have made it abundantly clear to her that I am going ahead with the divorce. Yet i dont see her doing the heavy lifting, making the earth and sky meet for us to get together...heck the other day she sent me a video which in a weird way justifies having sex outside of marriage...she said that video was supposed to open my mind!

[qubist]

qubist

Yes I have made it abundantly clear to her that I am going ahead with the divorce. Yet i dont see her doing the heavy lifting, making the earth and sky meet for us to get together...heck the other day she sent me a video which in a weird way justifies having sex outside of marriage...she said that video was supposed to open my mind!

I know these kind of videos and read a lot about how having sex outside of marriage could be good, but regardless on her take on it she shouldn't have did it behind your back then lie about it, if she decides that she can't be monogamist that's her choice but she should first let you know and give you the right to make your own decision. second thing which doesn't make sense is she didn't just had sex with the other guy she actually left you for him and wanted to be with him until for whatever reason found out that it wouldn't work out then she came back. so it wasn't just a matter of monogamy.

I think she just gave you a hint that you should just forget about any possible R, unless you are OK with sex outside of marriage. but if you believe in monogamy you should tell her that you do not tolarate that and wish her good luck finding all sexual partners that she needs

[snakebites82]

Dear All,

Wanted to update, she has come back again and this time she is saying she is willing to do "all it takes" to make this work. We are literally 4 weeks away from the final signature and I am feeling pressurized to take such a major decision under time pressure and I don't want to take sub optimal decisions. So I have told her that let us please go through the divorce as planned, there is nothing legal or otherwise that is stopping us from meeting later and seeing how we still feel about each other. I also told her that if we have to make a fresh start, it needs time and patience and this seems to be the only way to actually go about it (post divorce), if at all. She agreed with me and also acknowledged that things and perceptions have changed permanently and there is no point trying to hold on to something out of desperation, it is never sustainable.

Finally ended it by giving her a pep talk filling her with optimism, hope and positivity for the future. While all this is taking a lot out of me, I 'feel' this as the right course of action, I hope I am right, I guess only time will tell!

[Jersey born raised]

First what date does the divorce become final? Your post contradict each other.

 

Second not once in all your posts do you mention her remorse at the pain she caused you. It made her sound cold and without pity. Read other posts by people who have successfully reconciled. Every one that worked out had two things in common: an understanding by the WS of the pain they caused, and then both spouses working on the issues in the marriage.

 

Friend zone her, and never allow yourself to become intimate with her again.

[snakebites82]

First what date does the divorce become final? Your post contradict each other.

 

Second not once in all your posts do you mention her remorse at the pain she caused you. It made her sound cold and without pity. Read other posts by people who have successfully reconciled. Every one that worked out had two things in common: an understanding by the WS of the pain they caused, and then both spouses working on the issues in the marriage.

 

Friend zone her, and never allow yourself to become intimate with her again.

The divorce becomes final in Dec 2nd week, not sure how am I contradicting myself.

You are right, I am yet to be convinced that she has shown true remorse, there are signs of it, she is saying that she is very sorry, she is willing to do "all it takes" etc but I am yet to hear her take full responsibility. Partly because I do not want to sit down and have this conversation with her this close to the final divorce date, I feel pressurized and feel any decision I take will be sub optimal. I also think she is getting desperate (she has acknowledged this herself) and hence any commitment/statement made will not sustain. Does this clarify?

[OscarChambers]

I am late to this thread but I encourage you to get to the court on December 2 and finalize the divorce. Start dating and do not look back.

 

My Story,

 

My father died and my family went into economic despair. I was a young playboy and slept with a lot of women up until his unexpected passing. I was dealing with a young lady during this time, it was my early twenties and when I was emotionally vulnerable she was there. She was beautiful and caring and I was at one of the lowest points in my life, we fell in love. I modified my life to be with this woman, changed my friends, and was unable to imagine a future without her. As my financial situation worsened , I made the mistake of a short sighted destructive criminal career. I got arrested , bonded out and she was still there. She was rock solid in my mind after that. I told her all my secrets, my insecurities and would have happily died defending this woman.

 

Three years into the relationship, she began hanging out with new friends and not being where she said she was. I would hear she was out at different clubs and hanging out with different girls(with reputations). One day I came home and all of her things were gone. She came home to talk and said"it is not you it is me, I need to work on me." and the dagger"we should see other people."

I was crushed, she would not answer my calls or talk to me. She went to upscale nightclubs so she could avoid me, and all of her friends shunned me. After 2 months and a lot of crying and drinking I accepted it, and re enrolled in College and moved to another state to start over.

 

I was doing well in college and halfway through the semester I went home for a weekend with a girl from school. When I got to my mother's house there were lots of messages from my ex girlfriend. I went out to the underground clubs and everyone told me she was looking for me, I just thought it was pity attention from her. I went to a rave and my ex was there (she hated raves) we kissed she told me she loved me and was done "working on her" and wanted to be with me and only me. I left the rave with her and it was the happiest night of my life! Or so I thought...

 

When we got back together that night and she was begging me to take her back , I had one question and one question only- did you have sex with anyone else? She told me no, and I believed her. She lied to me, she lied to our friends, but she did not lie to her best friend. Her best friend dated a guy I knew and I ran into him 7 months after me and the ex got back together-and then I got the real story.

 

My ex girlfriend was cheating on me with a man old enough to be her father. She took trips with him and ****ed him for months behind my back until she made the move to leave me. The only reason they broke up is because he was a scam artist and was arrested on state and federal charges, once the feds seized his cars and house she left him-and went to Plan B, me. I was her ****ing plan B and when I confronted her she lied to my face. Only when she was confronted with facts did she finally admit anything.Her- I only ****ed him once, ME-but you went on 4 vacations with him!, Her-I only ****ed him on those 4 vacations. ME-You moved in with him, Her- Ok we had sex sometimes, but I did not like it, it was not like you and me! , ME-You were ****ing him behind my back before you left me! Her-He pressured me, I did not want to! -She just kept lying and attempting to minimize everything and you know what, I forgave her.

 

That act of forgiveness was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. The truth is I never really forgave her, I punished her. The second time she left was because she decided she was a lesbian, and this time it was for good. I went into a deep, deep depression and it took a year for me to get over. I focused on my education, graduated college and went to graduate school. My legal problems from my criminal career were resolved without a conviction and the future looked promising. While in graduate school I met my future wife, we fell in love and moved back to my hometown.

 

We got engaged and went out to celebrate, and ran into my ex girlfriend. She was 30 pounds overweight and in a dead end relationship with her boyfriend. Here is the thing, I was so into my fiance that I did not even notice my ex girlfriend. My fiance noticed because my ex kept staring at us. I made polite small talk with the ex and introduced my fiance (who is 10 year younger than my ex, and 40 pounds lighter). That is when it hit me, I no longer desire my ex girlfriend. My ex tried to pursue me, but I had lost interest. She even called the night before my wedding. She still thought I was her Plan B, she had no respect for me, and thought she could manipulate me even on the eve of my wedding.

 

The reason for the long story is to tell you your wife is not worth saving, she made her ****ing bed(with another man no less) now let her lie in it. She was probably ****ing this guy behind your back, I do not say this to hurt you, I just want you to understand the kind of woman she is-not the kind of woman she wants you to see. Do you think you want to "save" this "marriage", because you are really just "saving" that cheating artist from the consequences of her actions. There is no way she left a sexual relationship with you to just hold hands and cuddle with another man, she is and adult and adults ****. In other words she is lying to you, she continuing the behavior that led to the divorce in the first place. She wants you to take her back based on a lie.

 

Think about your wife. Now picture her her getting plowed by another man. Naked in bed after getting plowed her complaining about you and your marriage to this man. Imagine your wife telling you she is going somewhere and instead going to this man and getting plowed over and over and coming home to you "not in the mood tonight." Think about your wife falling in love with this man, and leaving you. This is what happened.

 

Now your wife has moved in with this man, at first the sex is enough-but time passes. This man is an artist so he cannot afford Whole Foods, late model car leases, and expensive things. He is a dreamer, not a doer. Suddenly his artist quirks, become annoying. Turns out your wife irritates him when they are not ****ing. The green grass turns brown quickly. Now your wife is starting to see she ****ed up a good thing with a good guy. She did not really know the artist, he was fun to **** but thats it. Turns out he is not good for much else, and she is 33 not 23. But his big dick, and aggressive sex was so good when she had you to come home to. She knows your weaknesses, she knows you are still emotionally invested- she will play on that and you will take her back. You are plan b after all. Right?

 

Wrong! You hold strong and you get this ****ing divorce done. Do not be mean so she will not make the process contiencious. Lead her to believe you will reconcile and give it another chance after the divorce is finalized. Promise her (not in writing) that you love her, and once the divorce is finalized you will date her, fall back in love, and marry her to "start fresh". Say "This marriage is broken, there was fault on both sides. Let's end this marriage and start fresh fall in love and build trust again." she will eat that **** up. As soon as the divorce is finalized and the paper is signed go radio silent. Tell her you need to work on you, it is not her it is you.

 

Wait one year post divorce after dating girls ten years younger than yourself. Break her emotional hold on you, then you can go forward. You will not want her anymore if you think about it with clear head.

[Chi townD]

Dear All,

Wanted to update, she has come back again and this time she is saying she is willing to do "all it takes" to make this work. We are literally 4 weeks away from the final signature and I am feeling pressurized to take such a major decision under time pressure and I don't want to take sub optimal decisions. So I have told her that let us please go through the divorce as planned, there is nothing legal or otherwise that is stopping us from meeting later and seeing how we still feel about each other. I also told her that if we have to make a fresh start, it needs time and patience and this seems to be the only way to actually go about it (post divorce), if at all. She agreed with me and also acknowledged that things and perceptions have changed permanently and there is no point trying to hold on to something out of desperation, it is never sustainable.

Finally ended it by giving her a pep talk filling her with optimism, hope and positivity for the future. While all this is taking a lot out of me, I 'feel' this as the right course of action, I hope I am right, I guess only time will tell!

 

Bad move, dude. All you just did was fill her up with false hope. You need to get on with your life. Make the divorce happen. Free yourself legally from her and then heal and find out what YOU want out of life.

 

 

Dude, she is NOT remorseful!!! I mean, REALLY?!?!? She sent you a video on how having sex outside was a good thing?!?!?! Wanted you to open up your mind on it?!?!?

 

 

I would have responded, "I think you're right. I think I need to go out and find out how having sex outside of the marriage is a good thing. You know, open up my pants...I mean, my mind! I'll let you know how it goes."

 

 

Then, I would have hung up.

[qubist]

I am late to this thread but I encourage you to get to the court on December 2 and finalize the divorce. Start dating and do not look back.

 

My Story,

 

My father died and my family went into economic despair. I was a young playboy and slept with a lot of women up until his unexpected passing. I was dealing with a young lady during this time, it was my early twenties and when I was emotionally vulnerable she was there. She was beautiful and caring and I was at one of the lowest points in my life, we fell in love. I modified my life to be with this woman, changed my friends, and was unable to imagine a future without her. As my financial situation worsened , I made the mistake of a short sighted destructive criminal career. I got arrested , bonded out and she was still there. She was rock solid in my mind after that. I told her all my secrets, my insecurities and would have happily died defending this woman.

 

Three years into the relationship, she began hanging out with new friends and not being where she said she was. I would hear she was out at different clubs and hanging out with different girls(with reputations). One day I came home and all of her things were gone. She came home to talk and said"it is not you it is me, I need to work on me." and the dagger"we should see other people."

I was crushed, she would not answer my calls or talk to me. She went to upscale nightclubs so she could avoid me, and all of her friends shunned me. After 2 months and a lot of crying and drinking I accepted it, and re enrolled in College and moved to another state to start over.

 

I was doing well in college and halfway through the semester I went home for a weekend with a girl from school. When I got to my mother's house there were lots of messages from my ex girlfriend. I went out to the underground clubs and everyone told me she was looking for me, I just thought it was pity attention from her. I went to a rave and my ex was there (she hated raves) we kissed she told me she loved me and was done "working on her" and wanted to be with me and only me. I left the rave with her and it was the happiest night of my life! Or so I thought...

 

When we got back together that night and she was begging me to take her back , I had one question and one question only- did you have sex with anyone else? She told me no, and I believed her. She lied to me, she lied to our friends, but she did not lie to her best friend. Her best friend dated a guy I knew and I ran into him 7 months after me and the ex got back together-and then I got the real story.

 

My ex girlfriend was cheating on me with a man old enough to be her father. She took trips with him and ****ed him for months behind my back until she made the move to leave me. The only reason they broke up is because he was a scam artist and was arrested on state and federal charges, once the feds seized his cars and house she left him-and went to Plan B, me. I was her ****ing plan B and when I confronted her she lied to my face. Only when she was confronted with facts did she finally admit anything.Her- I only ****ed him once, ME-but you went on 4 vacations with him!, Her-I only ****ed him on those 4 vacations. ME-You moved in with him, Her- Ok we had sex sometimes, but I did not like it, it was not like you and me! , ME-You were ****ing him behind my back before you left me! Her-He pressured me, I did not want to! -She just kept lying and attempting to minimize everything and you know what, I forgave her.

 

That act of forgiveness was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. The truth is I never really forgave her, I punished her. The second time she left was because she decided she was a lesbian, and this time it was for good. I went into a deep, deep depression and it took a year for me to get over. I focused on my education, graduated college and went to graduate school. My legal problems from my criminal career were resolved without a conviction and the future looked promising. While in graduate school I met my future wife, we fell in love and moved back to my hometown.

 

We got engaged and went out to celebrate, and ran into my ex girlfriend. She was 30 pounds overweight and in a dead end relationship with her boyfriend. Here is the thing, I was so into my fiance that I did not even notice my ex girlfriend. My fiance noticed because my ex kept staring at us. I made polite small talk with the ex and introduced my fiance (who is 10 year younger than my ex, and 40 pounds lighter). That is when it hit me, I no longer desire my ex girlfriend. My ex tried to pursue me, but I had lost interest. She even called the night before my wedding. She still thought I was her Plan B, she had no respect for me, and thought she could manipulate me even on the eve of my wedding.

 

The reason for the long story is to tell you your wife is not worth saving, she made her ****ing bed(with another man no less) now let her lie in it. She was probably ****ing this guy behind your back, I do not say this to hurt you, I just want you to understand the kind of woman she is-not the kind of woman she wants you to see. Do you think you want to "save" this "marriage", because you are really just "saving" that cheating artist from the consequences of her actions. There is no way she left a sexual relationship with you to just hold hands and cuddle with another man, she is and adult and adults ****. In other words she is lying to you, she continuing the behavior that led to the divorce in the first place. She wants you to take her back based on a lie.

 

Think about your wife. Now picture her her getting plowed by another man. Naked in bed after getting plowed her complaining about you and your marriage to this man. Imagine your wife telling you she is going somewhere and instead going to this man and getting plowed over and over and coming home to you "not in the mood tonight." Think about your wife falling in love with this man, and leaving you. This is what happened.

 

Now your wife has moved in with this man, at first the sex is enough-but time passes. This man is an artist so he cannot afford Whole Foods, late model car leases, and expensive things. He is a dreamer, not a doer. Suddenly his artist quirks, become annoying. Turns out your wife irritates him when they are not ****ing. The green grass turns brown quickly. Now your wife is starting to see she ****ed up a good thing with a good guy. She did not really know the artist, he was fun to **** but thats it. Turns out he is not good for much else, and she is 33 not 23. But his big dick, and aggressive sex was so good when she had you to come home to. She knows your weaknesses, she knows you are still emotionally invested- she will play on that and you will take her back. You are plan b after all. Right?

 

Wrong! You hold strong and you get this ****ing divorce done. Do not be mean so she will not make the process contiencious. Lead her to believe you will reconcile and give it another chance after the divorce is finalized. Promise her (not in writing) that you love her, and once the divorce is finalized you will date her, fall back in love, and marry her to "start fresh". Say "This marriage is broken, there was fault on both sides. Let's end this marriage and start fresh fall in love and build trust again." she will eat that **** up. As soon as the divorce is finalized and the paper is signed go radio silent. Tell her you need to work on you, it is not her it is you.

 

Wait one year post divorce after dating girls ten years younger than yourself. Break her emotional hold on you, then you can go forward. You will not want her anymore if you think about it with clear head.

wow What a story, thanks for sharing it. I know you must have suffered a lot but at the end you ended up winning, I'm glad for you hopefully this serves as a lesson to everyone that's in those shoes

[qubist]

OP: take your time after divorce, do no jump right back with her, first you have to make sure that you are not dependent on her emotionally and she is actually remorseful not because Plan A was a bust.

I would urge you to test being single for a while even date other women

[ShatteredLady]

At the top of the infidelity forum there's an article titled - "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know". Send it to her. That's what she needs to be willing to accept & do before she stands a chance of healing you. It's HER responsibility to heal YOU if she wants back into your heart.

 

I'm a BS currently reconciling with my H. We have 2 young children. That changes a LOT. I've known my H all of my adult life too. I know it's so hard to let go when so much of your life is tied to another but please believe me it's even harder to live with someone who you trusted so completely, loved, planned & dreamed with, who then lied, betrayed & broke your heart. It's a lot easier in theory than it is in reality.

[snakebites82]

Thank you Oscar, its an incredible story but I hear you, I need to get this divorce out of the way irrespective of what she says.

[snakebites82]

Bad move, dude. All you just did was fill her up with false hope. You need to get on with your life. Make the divorce happen. Free yourself legally from her and then heal and find out what YOU want out of life.

 

 

Dude, she is NOT remorseful!!! I mean, REALLY?!?!? She sent you a video on how having sex outside was a good thing?!?!?! Wanted you to open up your mind on it?!?!?

 

 

I would have responded, "I think you're right. I think I need to go out and find out how having sex outside of the marriage is a good thing. You know, open up my pants...I mean, my mind! I'll let you know how it goes."

 

 

Then, I would have hung up.

Yes I agree, I need to legally free myself. And just to clarify, I filled her with optimism NOT about us being together in the future, but about life in general, how it has a lot to offer, how this is not the end of the world etc etc. The only things I have told her was that the divorce does not stop us from meeting in the future.

I agree with you, this is just her getting desperate and not feeling true remorse and I simply cannot take any decision under this kind of time pressure. Any tips/methods on how can I stay strong and yet keep her engaged enough that she actually shows up in Dec in the court goes through everything without causing any trouble?

[snakebites82]

At the top of the infidelity forum there's an article titled - "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know". Send it to her. That's what she needs to be willing to accept & do before she stands a chance of healing you. It's HER responsibility to heal YOU if she wants back into your heart.

 

I'm a BS currently reconciling with my H. We have 2 young children. That changes a LOT. I've known my H all of my adult life too. I know it's so hard to let go when so much of your life is tied to another but please believe me it's even harder to live with someone who you trusted so completely, loved, planned & dreamed with, who then lied, betrayed & broke your heart. It's a lot easier in theory than it is in reality.

Shatteredlady - Sorry to hear what you are going through, I hope you are able to successfully R. I am in a situation where I find it difficult to remove the picture of her with the other guy out of my head, hell I dreamt last night of her in bed with him! :-(...

[Marc878]

Snake,

 

You can never shake those memories. Especially if you're still with them.

 

You have an oppurnity to leave the memories behind with her.

 

Don't look back there is no future with her now. She destroyed it and meant to.

 

It's funny how people like that want now what they can't have.

 

You're better off.

[OscarChambers]

Any tips/methods on how can I stay strong and yet keep her engaged enough that she actually shows up in Dec in the court goes through everything without causing any trouble?

 

When you talk to her keep it all hope and optimism, be sure to say "there was fault on both sides" and "I feel like I drove you away" and "next time we will be sure we are more emotionally in touch.". Always act as if you believe her about her never sleeping with the other guy, play to her emotions and make her reality be post divorce we begin dating each other again immediately. When she calls answer quickly or call right back. If she texts answer immediately with long rambling text messages. This will keep her engaged and placated. The one caveat is you must not, under any circumstances, take divorce off the table. If she tries to direct the conversation to "calling it off" you refocus the conversation to"hitting reset and building trust all over again."

 

For you to keep strong during the next couple of weeks and not lose your resolve just remember this: She engaged in deception and ****ed another man behind your back then came home to you like nothing happened. She made up her mind to leave you for another man, it did not work out and now she wants you back. She has continued to lie to you and deny she ****ed this man so she is full of ****. SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU, TO HER YOU WERE HER FALLBACK OPTION(PLAN B, SAFETY SCHOOL, SHE WAITLISTED YOU). She is continuing to engage in deception to play your emotions because in her mind she knows she can. She wants you solely for your financial resources and the stability that you provide, you already gave her these things and she ****ed another man and left you for him as repayment for all you provided her.

 

You may feel bad for leading her on because you love her deep down. I submit to you that the woman you love does not exist, she ceased to exist when she left you for another man. You may feel being dishonest is wrong. I submit she was dishonest first by cheating, she continued to be dishonest when she left you, and she is currently dishonest about the "non sexual" nature of her affair and subsequent relationship( which I might add culminated in the end of your marriage). You may remember the "happy times" and want to recapture them. I submit you take those same rose colored glasses and consider how you felt when she left you(remember how cold she was? like a different woman...),how you felt thinking about her in the arms of another man(made you kind of sick from your chest all the way down to your stomach.....),and now think about him ****ing her(hard, rough, aggressive sex, hair pulling, spanking and god knows what else)-Kind of feel like stomping on those rose colored glasses, huh? To top it all off- think about how she is trying to play you right now, lying, manipulating, talking about it all with her girlfriends-trying to figure out how to get her Plan B to work for her.

 

 

You owe this woman nothing, you owe yourself everything. When the depression hits you you hit the gym (1 hour a day , 4-5 days a week). When you feel bad go buy yourself a new sports car (you earned it). When you feel guilty for leading her on, own that **** and send her a text message about how you cannot wait until New Years eve when you and your ex wife can "have our first new years kiss all over again"-As in she can kiss your ass you are moving on! Be strong my friend, Be strong! You will come out of this a better man if you just BE STRONG!

[stillafool]

I don't think you should take her back. For what? The sex wasn't that great, she had no problem cheating on you and now she wants to come back. Why? Is it because you are a finance guy and the other loser is a starving artist? Did she finally come to the realization that she won't have the lifestyle she's been used to? No, let sleeping dogs lie cause she made her bed so let her sleep. You are blessed not to have kids so you can make a clean break and get someone who you are sexually compatible with and knows how to treat you.

[Buckeye2]

I have never been more torn in my life. I dont know if she wants to get back with me for me or is it because things did not work out with the other guy and now she realizes that she misses the financial stability and comfort I provided...

 

We are also polar opposites, I am a Finance guy while she is an artist (theater).

 

We had physical intimacy issues among others.

 

A few days before our 5th anniversary, she told me that there is someone else in her life and she wants to move on. I even know the guy, he is a divorced 41 year old, also into theater.

 

I think you have your answer.

[moonwalker86]

It might just be in her personality to stray towards another man. As hard as it is to hear maybe it's the truth. You need to find someone who won't do that to you. Someone who has principles and values a relationship enough to not disrespect it by going off with someone else even if they are unhappy. Someone who will end it before moving on. I have realised this as I am going through the same thing you are. It's harder on my end because we have a child together but still, the heartache is heartache.