My Wife left me for another man and now she wants to get back to me

[snakebites82]

You need to consider it very carefully and logically.

I think that it is crucial that you finalize the divorce first and only then be ready to think about your future. Why?

 

1. Because if you want to reconcile, you want to do it for the right reasons. The wrong reasons are to do it while you're weak, or doing it in a hurry (in 1 month), ect...

 

2. She is unstable now. She left you, regrets after few month, she says she had nothing physical with him? :rolleyes:, it also points that she isn't stable. So even if she thinks now she knows what she wants, she has to prove it and pass some tests...

 

One test is to divorce while realizing that her decisions has consequences. I can see a scenario which she sees that you are determine about the divorce, and understands that she has to make lots of efforts to win you back, so she will give up on you. Maybe she wants you only if it's easy to win you back.

 

You must let her go through a process, a Via Dolorosa, in order to win you back, That is the only way you can assure (until some level, not 100%) that she is totally into you.

Thank you Lolablue17. Your response is helping me think logically and clearly and how to "test" if she really wants to get back and willing to make earth and sky meet for that. As of now, I dont see her doing or showing any of that.

[snakebites82]

Get the divorce finalized. No need to slow that up. All of the property divisions settled, money squared away, etc. Don't ever stop this close to the end.

 

Next, if you want to get back together, you can do it after the divorce is final. Which takes me back to point one, get the divorce finalized.

 

Thirdly, getting back with a woman you described as your "polar opposite" who "cheated" on you and had been separated from you for months and are on the cusp of a final divorce decree, would be foolish. Get it finalized.

 

Fourth, are you kidding me?! Are you really confused on what to do in this situation? Strategically, calling it off could only help her, in case she suddenly realizes that she really doesn't want to be with you after all. Individually, your wife left you for another man. If you want to play Charlie Brown to her Lucy and hope that she does not pull the football away, go ahead.

 

Just divorce, cut ties, live separate and NC for 6 months and see where it goes. I bet she moves on, because she was always going to do that. Hopefully, you move on because you should.

bigman1 - this is very useful practically speaking. I guess at times like this, one tends to not think about the legal aspects of a divorce. In my case, since she left me, when we first filed, we already agreed that I would not be giving her anything, now or in the future. So I guess it makes sense to simply get the divorce since the terms are favorable to me and then see what needs to be done. Thanks again!

[snakebites82]

Reading this, she's NO WHERE ready to own what she's done and if she was genuinely and deeply sorry for what she's done to you, she would do move heaven and earth to fix herself and make you give her a second chance. She basically 'tried' out another relationship, it failed (aka she woke up and realized what life would be like without you in it)and ran back to you. The more I read, the more I see she's a scared little girl and you're her security blanket. She chose to cheat. She can't blame marital issues or you for that! That's all on her.

Whichwayisup - as I read more of what you and everyone is saying, I am realizing how she still blames the marriage for her actions, still shows ego and sarcasm instead of realizing that while the playing field was level then, it no longer is now. She still makes statements like "I wish I hadn't done this to you, I wish we had not done this to each other". She has also told me that "getting back would be like walking on egg shells for her" and she would feel entirely "powerless" with me and my family. And yes, she is right now panicking that she is left neither here nor there, is alone in this big bad world and no longer has the security and comfort I used to provide and hence possibly wants to get back to me. Thanks for your perspective!

[snakebites82]

Dear bubbaganoosh - I am confused right now but I guess my gut is telling me to get the divorce and move on. It seems from what I am hearing from everyone else, it is the best course of action under the current circumstance. Thanks!

[ShouldGo]

She is saying it was not a physical affair, but you absolutely don't believe her. If so, she is not being honest with you in her apology/ return... And it seems brazen on her part to think she could pass this one by you. If she did, what would the next lie be?

Edited October 13, 2015 by ShouldGo

[irishguy]

Not sure of your country but divorces take time , so you keep going with the divorce and if your wife wanted to save the marriage she would have time to do everything she could to save it . Is she doing anything that would make you consider giving her another chance ,doesnt sound like it to me .You are probably right about it been about her struggling for money and missing yours.

[BetrayedH]

You seem hesitant to make a final break with her. And I think we get that. As a betrayed spouse myself, I also wasn't in a rush to give up on everything I'd worked on for so many years. And "getting your wife back" is a powerful emotional motivator, too. Everyone thinks that infidelity is an instant dealbreaker, until it happens to them. Your hesitation to divorce is pretty normal but it's misguided.

 

Some couples do manage to successfully reconcile. More make the attempt than you'd think. But most of them fail. The first and most basic requirement is a truly remorseful wayward spouse. Her lies about not sleeping with the guy are typical; waywards almost always follow a predictable pattern of lying, denying, minimizing, blameshifting, and lying some more. It's unthinkable that she's left her husband for some guy and never had a physical relationship. More likely, she thought she had an emotional connection as well, and he just wanted the thrill of screwing a married woman. Now she's stuck having lost everything so she runs back to you to salvage what she can and she'll lie and rationalize it with you however she must. That's not true remorse over what she's done.

 

You've gotta realize that recovery from this takes 2-5 years. I'm not kidding. You'll be tortured over what she's done for a long time. You'll have mental movies and be triggered a lot. And you'll have some woman lying and blameshifting about the whole thing for a partner. When that happens, the recovery never occurs.

 

If you want to salvage this relationship, you're going to have to be willing to lose it. When she sees that her lies and blameshifting won't work and that you're divorcing her anyway, then maybe she'll really realize what it's going to take to repair the damage. If you soften the blow and give her cheap forgiveness, that'll never happen. Study up on "the 180." That's what's appropriate here.

[snakebites82]

You seem hesitant to make a final break with her. And I think we get that. As a betrayed spouse myself, I also wasn't in a rush to give up on everything I'd worked on for so many years. And "getting your wife back" is a powerful emotional motivator, too. Everyone thinks that infidelity is an instant dealbreaker, until it happens to them. Your hesitation to divorce is pretty normal but it's misguided.

 

Some couples do manage to successfully reconcile. More make the attempt than you'd think. But most of them fail. The first and most basic requirement is a truly remorseful wayward spouse. Her lies about not sleeping with the guy are typical; waywards almost always follow a predictable pattern of lying, denying, minimizing, blameshifting, and lying some more. It's unthinkable that she's left her husband for some guy and never had a physical relationship. More likely, she thought she had an emotional connection as well, and he just wanted the thrill of screwing a married woman. Now she's stuck having lost everything so she runs back to you to salvage what she can and she'll lie and rationalize it with you however she must. That's not true remorse over what she's done.

 

You've gotta realize that recovery from this takes 2-5 years. I'm not kidding. You'll be tortured over what she's done for a long time. You'll have mental movies and be triggered a lot. And you'll have some woman lying and blameshifting about the whole thing for a partner. When that happens, the recovery never occurs.

 

If you want to salvage this relationship, you're going to have to be willing to lose it. When she sees that her lies and blameshifting won't work and that you're divorcing her anyway, then maybe she'll really realize what it's going to take to repair the damage. If you soften the blow and give her cheap forgiveness, that'll never happen. Study up on "the 180." That's what's appropriate here.

I am sorry to hear that you were also a betrayed spouse. You are absolutely spot on in your assesement of her situation and mine. I am indeed hesitant because...and the reasons are as you detailed. So I have a few practical questions

-Should I completely eliminate contact with her? If yes, how do I give her an opportunity to express to me if she is "really" remorseful. So far I have really limited my contact with her, I have only met her once in 5 months, I dont call or message her. She whats apps me once in a while, I dont reply to some at all and some I do, albeit delayed, more than 1 day later. How do I handle this communication?

-From what I gather, I NEED to divorce her and maybe open the communication channels then? Should I tell her this is what I intend to do or should she realize this by herself?

Sorry but I am very confused on the practical aspects of this...thanks so much for your time and insight. This is invaluable!

[BetrayedH]

I am sorry to hear that you were also a betrayed spouse. You are absolutely spot on in your assesement of her situation and mine. I am indeed hesitant because...and the reasons are as you detailed. So I have a few practical questions

-Should I completely eliminate contact with her? If yes, how do I give her an opportunity to express to me if she is "really" remorseful. So far I have really limited my contact with her, I have only met her once in 5 months, I dont call or message her. She whats apps me once in a while, I dont reply to some at all and some I do, albeit delayed, more than 1 day later. How do I handle this communication?

-From what I gather, I NEED to divorce her and maybe open the communication channels then? Should I tell her this is what I intend to do or should she realize this by herself?

Sorry but I am very confused on the practical aspects of this...thanks so much for your time and insight. This is invaluable!

 

It sounds like you're doing pretty well, to be honest. I'd recommend limiting contact to what's necessary for the divorce and shared expenses. If she tries to engage in discussion about the marriage, I'd pretty clearly state your position once and then consider it communicated. Something along the lines of, "I don't believe you're truly remorseful for your affair and I accept no responsibility for it. Even now, I don't believe you're being honest with me and I won't have a partner in life that lies to my face. You left our marriage and the natural consequence of that is divorce."

 

From there, the ball is in her court to demonstrate (with consistent actions over time) that she's truly remorseful. If she proactively volunteers complete honesty, transparency, individual counseling, marriage counseling, and "whatever it takes," and is prepared to own that these were all her own piss poor decisions, then she might be worth giving a second chance. I'd suggest reading the thread pinned at the top of the Infidelity forum, "Things that every WS needs to know." It paints a good picture of what true remorse looks like.

 

Personally, I think you make it clear that the divorce goes thru one way or another. Otherwise, you're aleays going to feel like plan B. However, if she consistently shows true remorse after the natural consequence of her choices, then you have some hope of believing that she is really staying with you because of you - and not because of some effort to maintain her security, lifestyle, and reputation.

 

I think the biggest key is seeing her take actions to fix whatever it was that was broken within her that allowed her to make such a damaging choice. If I were going to go thru any of this with her, I'd want to know that the outcome is going to be a great marriage, not a continuation of one that was crap.

 

Stand your ground and perhaps you'll get it. But honestly, I'm skeptical. To me, a good example of a truly remorseful wayward spouse is one that engages in a drunken one-night-stand, immediately confesses it the next day, is horrified at what they've done, and is willing to do whatever it takes for however long it takes to make it right. They schedule their own counseling, they schedule polygraphs to reassure their betrayed spouse, they embrace transparency indefinitely, and they never blame the marriage or the betrayed spouse. Those folks are worth a second chance. Unfortunately, I think your wife is pretty far off the mark.

 

With no kids involved, a separation already in place, a lack of true remorse on the part of your wayward wife, and the divorce set to finalize in a couple weeks - hell, I'd seriously consider walking and never looking back. But if you're going to make an effort with this woman, don't settle.

[Clay]

Sorry but with everything you said I doubt seriously getting back with her will ever work out for you. Even if you can forgive and try to move passed this it doesn't sound like she was really happy with the marriage in the first place. The chances on her cheating again will be extremely high. Things that make this even more clear is she is still saying the same things all cheaters do. Its your fault. Our marriage was the reason for it. I need someone more suited for me. The only people that really come back from this are people that truly are willing to work on themselves and take accountability for there actions. She is not in that place in her life yet and while you could talk to her and try to get her there it rarely works.

 

It sounds like you have already started to see life without her. I would continue that path and get yourself in counseling. BetrayedH is right your vulnerable right now and your wife will use that for her advantage. There is nothing wrong with finding someone else to talk to and help you sort these things out.

 

I personally lived with a serial cheater and I can tell you its hell like you have never seen. I hope you can avoid that if at all possible.

 

On the other side of this there are far better women out there that don't do these things.

 

Clay

[2.50 a gallon]

SB82:

 

 

Thirty plus years ago I walked in your shoes. After several months of fighting I caught my Ex cheating on me. When confronted she moved in with the OM.

When coming over to get her things, she had to rub salt in the wound and tell me she never really loved me, and how much greater her OM was.

That lasted a little more than a month, when she came by to visit with our cats, she once again tried to rub salt in the wound. That is until she got ready to leave, when she realized that I had not slept alone the previous night.

She went totally bonkers, on the floor crying, begging, crocodile tears, she had made a big mistake, wanting a second chance.

It was the hardest day of my life. I had married her because I truly loved her. I had loved her over all the women in the world and given up on them for just her. And I wanted her to be the mother of my children.

My heart longed to take her in my arms and say it is OK, we will try again. But deep down I knew that I could never 100 percent trust her again. So turned my back.

At the time I was 35

A couple of years back I Google her and found a picture. Boy did I get lucky. The once fold out material figure and face is now pushing over 200 pounds.

While I spend my retirement years with the sweetest most giving, loving woman I have ever met. She does not complain about my watching all the football I want. And at age 60 plus she still had an hour glass figure and a flat stomach. Total eye candy.

Getting divorced was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Edited October 13, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon

[BetrayedH]

...never thought she would do this to me...

 

I think that's the case with most of us. What you probably need to accept is that she's not who you thought she was. With her actions, she's shown you who she is and you should believe her.

 

You didn't think she was capable of this and that's probably because you're not capable of it. I think it's normal to project our belief systems onto other people. We naturally assume that other people think and behave the way that we think and behave. Well, you were wrong about her. She's obviously quite capable of this.

 

Be wary. You're likely still in love with who you thought she was, not who she really is. You're in love with a fantasy version of her. That's not the biggest crime in the world. But you should adjust your view.

 

Can she change? Maybe. I'd leave that to her to prove.

[bigman1]

Practically speaking you never show your hand. Why on earth would you tell her that you are divorcing but considering getting back? All she has to do is lay low, engage in manipulation, and convince you that she is worth the risk.

 

I'm not sure why you think her showing you how remorseful she is makes this worth pursuing. You can't start or maintain a relationship based on an apology. At this point in life, you are in risk assessment mode. Is she worth the risk? you will never know, if you let her know that she is being evaluated.

 

After the divorce, you can let her audition for the job again. I am not sure why you would in light of all that you have said, but perhaps you believe that it will be different. I get it, the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

make your choice with your mind. If you want to give her a second look, do it post divorce. Do it without letting her know that she has a chance. You are watching her. If you are open with her, then she is watching you, and that is how you ended up where you are now.

[Marc878]

Nothin physical?????

 

She's a cheating liar. He may have dumped her and now she's scrambling for plan B. You are and will be her second choice.

 

Do you really want to waste time when she can't even tell you the truth about how/why she dumped you?????

 

This sort of thing never goes away especially when there's no honesty.

 

Move on with your life. Above all man up here!

[whichwayisup]

She left you for another man, there's NO WAY it wasn't physical. She's lying to you!

[BetrayedH]

She left you for another man, there's NO WAY it wasn't physical. She's lying to you!

 

As much as I hate to make absolute statements, it's hard not to agree with this one. Women know that the physical aspects of an affair can be a real dealbreaker for a man, so they minimize. And they figure if they never reveal the real truth, then you'll never know. They just have to take it to the grave with them. And so they only tell you what you already know. If more is discovered, they admit that and then say it was just one time, or that they didn't enjoy it, or that his penis was small, or whatever else it takes to get you to accept a minimalist version of the story. It doesn't help that you probably want to believe that minimalist version, too.

 

But most men aren't willing to engage in a simple emotional affair. They want sex. And women will exchange that sex for the emotional connection. In most affairs, the reality is that the sex is off the charts. Waywards don't take huge risks with their marriages, reputations, and perhaps careers to just hold hands. With so much at risk, they get engrossed in the affair and there's no holds barred. Betrayed husbands are constantly discovering that their wife did things with their affair partner that they had long denied to the husband. It really can get ugly. And so the WW will know that she must lie, lie, lie.

 

Further, they're embarassed that they gave up so much only to find that their affair partner didn't really love them after all; they were just glad to get down and dirty with some guy's wife.

 

You're going to have to ask yourself if you want to spend years wondering about the truth or trying to get at it. For me, I might have been able to get over the sexual stuff but I knew I couldn't get over the continued lying. If my choice is to have a partner in life that lies to me or no partner at all, I'll take none.

[Bufo]

The posters have given you some wise advice. Don't volunteer to be Plan B. She left claiming insurmountable marital difficulties. Now a few months later she found out life with OM wasn't all peaches and cream yet denies any physical relations with him don't believe that for a minute as she and OM are way past middle school age

 

She has proven herself to you to be a cheater and a probable liar. Is that the person you want to be with? As is often said on another forum. Believe what she does, not what she says. Don't confuse her wanting to return with genuine remorse for the hurt she put on you.

[Cali408]

I would say leave. Physical intimacy issues, plus cheating, and polar opposites. Move on

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

Cheating and abandoning a marriage is clear evidence that your wife lost respect for you. The possibility of a reconcile being successful is slim and the work needed is clearly not worth the effort. The more time wasted on a crappy relationship is the less time available for a fruitful one. Life has an expiration date and dealing with cheating ass spouses is a waste of precious time. Kick her to the curb and find that woman worth your time.

Edited October 16, 2015 by I Just Wanna b Happy

[health]

You are still healing - but THAT is your right path. She had her fun, it backfired and now she wants you back. Let her continue with her weirdo theatre people. You want to start afresh? Do it! Clean! Fresh! Without a cheater.

 

This is the new energy. The new you. What are you gonan do? Stick around and have kids with her?

 

You're lucky you don't. Make a clean break, no contact it. Don't date for a year. Cry your eyes out, work hard, stay away from drugs and then - when you're REALLY ready - meet a new girl. Not online, but in public.

 

That's my advice to you snakebite. All the best.

[LifesontheUp]

She said she does not see a future with me and wants to be with someone with whom she has more in common.

 

Sorry to read your thread.

 

This is what she told you, believe it.

 

If you take her back, what happens when the next guy comes along that she has more in common with?

[Firemarks]

You know when we get married or in a very close relationship we say we would do anything for that person. But first and foremost we have to take care of ourselves first. Ask yourself is this what I want, will this may ME happy, if this were to happen again how much harder would this be on me? At the end of the day we, that is ourselves, is the only person that we can count on, and the first person we have to take care of emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

 

Have been down this road twice with two different wives and your right it is devastating. In my case the second was the worst. And in both cases the guy was gone in a matter of weeks. I just could not, and still have not found the answers to why both of my wives cheated on me. I analyzed everything intimacy, emotions, even physical appearance and came up with nothing put more questions than answers.

 

So again sometimes things just don’t make any sense and there are no clear answers. But we have to make the right decisions to take care of ourselves first. I hope this helps you

Edited October 18, 2015 by Firemarks

[snakebites82]

Dear All,

Thanks a lot for your kind words and for taking time out to help me. Apologies for going AWOL, I had a bit of travel on work.

Special thanks to BetrayedH for all the patience and concern.

I have decided to take your advice and go ahead with the divorce. I know I need to stay strong for the remaining 6 weeks before the court date (a few court holidays and hence the date has been pushed to mid Dec). Every time I have felt weak, I have come back and re-read all your wise thoughts. I have also told her that its too soon for me right now and that we should go ahead with the divorce and that our paths may cross again in the future and we can see how to take it then. I am excited and scared about this new lease of life, so lets see what life has in store for me!

[snakebites82]

You know when we get married or in a very close relationship we say we would do anything for that person. But first and foremost we have to take care of ourselves first. Ask yourself is this what I want, will this may ME happy, if this were to happen again how much harder would this be on me? At the end of the day we, that is ourselves, is the only person that we can count on, and the first person we have to take care of emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

 

Have been down this road twice with two different wives and your right it is devastating. In my case the second was the worst. And in both cases the guy was gone in a matter of weeks. I just could not, and still have not found the answers to why both of my wives cheated on me. I analyzed everything intimacy, emotions, even physical appearance and came up with nothing put more questions than answers.

 

So again sometimes things just don’t make any sense and there are no clear answers. But we have to make the right decisions to take care of ourselves first. I hope this helps you

Firemarks - sorry to hear that this has happened to you twice. I hope you find someone who deserves you more that the previous two. Thanks for sharing your experience and your kind words.

[snakebites82]

You are still healing - but THAT is your right path. She had her fun, it backfired and now she wants you back. Let her continue with her weirdo theatre people. You want to start afresh? Do it! Clean! Fresh! Without a cheater.

 

This is the new energy. The new you. What are you gonan do? Stick around and have kids with her?

 

You're lucky you don't. Make a clean break, no contact it. Don't date for a year. Cry your eyes out, work hard, stay away from drugs and then - when you're REALLY ready - meet a new girl. Not online, but in public.

 

That's my advice to you snakebite. All the best.

Dear health! Your words have infused special energy in me, thanks so much! :-)