Alcohol becoming a big issue in my relationship

[mattelipstick]

Maybe I missed it, but I don't think anyone here recommended that you give her an ultimatum (though most recommended that you simply find someone who already comes with the same fundamental beliefs). I certainly would never have recommended it, given that ultimatums are almost always a set up for failure.

[mattelipstick]

Again, I'M NOT GOING TO MONITOR HER DRINKING! I'm going to trust her. If she made the decision, I'm going to trust her.

 

So how will you know when she's over your limit? Number of drinks? Behavior? What behavior will she have to display before it's problematic for you? I'm honestly not trying to be antagonistic -- if these are your rules, it seems like the two of you should have set boundaries so that you aren't setting her up to fail in your eyes.

[GemmaUK]

I only read the first few posts.

 

She has drunk a little too much on two occasions.

You say she is the 'best' woman you have ever known.

 

Do you have her on a pedestal? Meaning your 'vision' of her is actually perfect and flawless? If you do she has a long way to fall. She is just human.

Two nights of a bit more to drink in the time you have known her are nothing.

 

Sounds like she is already attempting to mesh with what you want her to do.

Let her go, give the lady her freedom. You are trying to control her.

[randomman]

She said she knew that 2-3 drinks in close succession would put her over the legal limit for her gender/weight. She knew it off of the top of her head. So it would be around that many drinks. Depending on how long we're out for. If we're out for 6 hours, she may be able to have a couple more drinks.

 

 

... Again, I'm asking for suggestions. Basically, everyone says that I should just dump her if I can't change my mind. I don't really see that as an option. Nor do I see changing my stance on alcohol as an option. So let's be creative... what are some other ideas on how to move forward?

 

 

 

 

We also have to remember, alcoholism is in her gene pool. She's abused it herself. Am I doing harm by requesting to keep it in control?

[mattelipstick]

She said she knew that 2-3 drinks in close succession would put her over the legal limit for her gender/weight. She knew it off of the top of her head. So it would be around that many drinks. Depending on how long we're out for. If we're out for 6 hours, she may be able to have a couple more drinks.

 

Oh well, that's very generous of you!

 

But seriously, you got what you wanted with no compromise. What further advice do you need? o_O

[randomman]

I find it amusing that I'm coming onto a forum for help and advice and people resort to mockery as their replies. How big of you mattelipstick!

 

 

I've acknowledged there's an issue. Apparently some of you are too blind to see that and would rather bash a man who is openly asking for help and admitting there's a problem.

 

 

It would be highly useful if you would contribute to healthy discussion or refrain from posting.

[mattelipstick]

I find it amusing that I'm coming onto a forum for help and advice and people resort to mockery as their replies. How big of you mattelipstick!

 

 

I've acknowledged there's an issue. Apparently some of you are too blind to see that and would rather bash a man who is openly asking for help and admitting there's a problem.

 

 

It would be highly useful if you would contribute to healthy discussion or refrain from posting.

 

You got tons of great advice and opted not to take it, which is your right. I'm not sure how you don't see "If we're out for X hours, I may permit her an additional drink or two" invites that sort of response, honestly. But again, I'm not sure what sort of help you are seeking. You don't want her to become intoxicated. She says that for you, she will not become intoxicated. Your problem appears solved.

[randomman]

Everyone's advice was to dump her. I don't really think this is a black and white situation. That is a very black and white answer.

 

 

I'm not a controlling person. We have worked through any other differences we've had with ease and skill. I'm trusting her to keep herself sober. I'm not limiting her drinks or keeping an eye on her intake. If my GF said she'll stay sober, I'm going to believe her. You kept asking how I would know. I tried to explain how I would know but apparently my words got twisted.

 

 

Yes, my problem is solved, but everyone is saying it's still going to end up in resentment. So I'm looking for a better way. I'm asking, AGAIN, because apparently you're too consumed with trashing me, what else can I do? What else can we do? Cutting her loose isn't the only option. There is never just one option.

[JasmineJones]

I find it amusing that I'm coming onto a forum for help and advice and people resort to mockery as their replies. How big of you mattelipstick!

 

 

I've acknowledged there's an issue. Apparently some of you are too blind to see that and would rather bash a man who is openly asking for help and admitting there's a problem.

 

 

It would be highly useful if you would contribute to healthy discussion or refrain from posting.

 

My sincere advice is that you break up with this woman and that you quit dating altogether until you've had more therapy sessions.

[GemmaUK]

Yes, my problem is solved, but everyone is saying it's still going to end up in resentment. So I'm looking for a better way. I'm asking, AGAIN, because apparently you're too consumed with trashing me, what else can I do? What else can we do? Cutting her loose isn't the only option. There is never just one option.

 

It's 3-4 times a year for gawd's sake man!

 

You could loosen up a little!!

 

The moment you think she has had too much another time I seriously wouldn't want to be in her shoes. You will be laying the law down and she will be in big trouble if she has just one or two more than you like.

 

I wouldn't stay with you if I were her tbh.

[Rephinican]

Everyone's advice was to dump her. I don't really think this is a black and white situation. That is a very black and white answer.

 

 

I'm not a controlling person. We have worked through any other differences we've had with ease and skill. I'm trusting her to keep herself sober. I'm not limiting her drinks or keeping an eye on her intake. If my GF said she'll stay sober, I'm going to believe her. You kept asking how I would know. I tried to explain how I would know but apparently my words got twisted.

 

 

Yes, my problem is solved, but everyone is saying it's still going to end up in resentment. So I'm looking for a better way. I'm asking, AGAIN, because apparently you're too consumed with trashing me, what else can I do? What else can we do? Cutting her loose isn't the only option. There is never just one option.

 

Okay randomman, I read through this entire thread and I am going to try and take a different tactic with giving you advice than many others have. So, hopefully this is somewhat helpful.

 

To begin with I would like to say that I personally do not drink alcohol, and most likely never will. I've watched my Uncle drink himself half to death, seen my stepfather fall into drunken rages where he came just short of beating me and my siblings, had my maternal grandparents both sent to the hospital by a drunk driver, and do not like its mind-altering effects. However, I don't necessarily look down on intoxication in the same way that you seem to. If my friends drink, that is their choice. Should my girlfriend ever decide to drink, that is her choice. Not drinking is my choice and is completely on me. But I don't think that you really work that way. You not only want to personally abstain from drinking to intoxication (which is fine and I agree with) but also want those around you-- particularly your girlfriend-- to abstain from drinking to intoxication as well. Is this controlling behavior? Possibly, but I think it also a very valid opinion by itself. Your opinion on intoxication is not what is causing all the negative reactions to your post-- although some on here would likely see that as far too extreme. What is creating these reactions is the fact that you want your girlfriend to change for you. That you want to change her.

 

That IS controlling randomman. You would be happier if your girlfriend was to just drop her opinions on alcohol and never drink to excess again as long as she had no resentment on the change. But you can't make her do that randomman. And you acknowledge that. That is why you are looking for a compromise. But you're missing the point here-- there is no compromise to be had. Giving your girlfriend an ultimatum that she can either do things your way or leave is not going to work here. It's going to create resentment and that resentment is going to fester until it breaks your relationship apart. I know that you've made plenty of compromises on other issues, and maybe sometimes ultimatums like this have worked and both of you found that you were quite happy with the result, but this is not like those cases. You will only be happy if she never drinks to excess again, and she will only be happy if she's free to drink as much or as little as she'd like. Will she change her behavior for you? Sure she will, or at the very least she'll try. She loves you, and you think that she is the best woman you've ever met and desperately want to work this out. But she won't be happy doing it. And you know that also.

 

I'm glad that you talked with your therapist about this issue, and I think that rather than focus on your girlfriend's behavior (or lack thereof) you need to focus on yourself. Even though it may be difficult to change deeply held beliefs, you stand a better chance of changing your own opinions than you do of changing hers. I think you need to do some deep introspection and figure out exactly why you look down upon intoxication so much that you do not want any individual close to you drinking to that extent. Her behavior is not objectively unhealthy-- trust me, I've seen my fair share of unhealthy behavior linked to alcohol. But it's unhealthy to you, and that's all that matters. So you need to ask yourself randomman: Are you capable as a human being of allowing your partner to drink as much or as little as she wants if it is not objectively unhealthy and does her no lasting harm? Or are you capable of becoming more tolerant of her behavior (to the point of not becoming angry should she become intoxicated- not just "forgiving" her should she make a mistake) if she makes an effort to avoid becoming intoxicated too often (as it currently sounds like she does)? If the answer to both these questions is no, then you can't compromise without resentment. And in that case I echo the advice of many other posters: It may be time to move on randomman.

 

-Reph

[mattelipstick]

Everyone's advice was to dump her. I don't really think this is a black and white situation. That is a very black and white answer.

 

 

I'm not a controlling person. We have worked through any other differences we've had with ease and skill. I'm trusting her to keep herself sober. I'm not limiting her drinks or keeping an eye on her intake. If my GF said she'll stay sober, I'm going to believe her. You kept asking how I would know. I tried to explain how I would know but apparently my words got twisted.

 

 

Yes, my problem is solved, but everyone is saying it's still going to end up in resentment. So I'm looking for a better way. I'm asking, AGAIN, because apparently you're too consumed with trashing me, what else can I do? What else can we do? Cutting her loose isn't the only option. There is never just one option.

 

I'm not trashing you at all. Like most people in this thread, I simply think you are unhealthily controlling. That's what happens when you put yourself out there for the purpose of seeking advice -- people will draw conclusions about who you are based on what you post, and it won't always be positive. That's life.

 

You've got 6 pages of people telling you there is no "better way." You've decided that you are unwilling to compromise, which leaves only one possible outcome -- she does all of the compromising, which she has agreed to do. You are firm in your stance, which forecloses all options other than her bending to it or opting to find someone who isn't interested in changing her. Luckily (?) for you, she has elected to do the former.

[S2B]

She said she knew that 2-3 drinks in close succession would put her over the legal limit for her gender/weight. She knew it off of the top of her head. So it would be around that many drinks. Depending on how long we're out for. If we're out for 6 hours, she may be able to have a couple more drinks.

 

 

... Again, I'm asking for suggestions. Basically, everyone says that I should just dump her if I can't change my mind. I don't really see that as an option. Nor do I see changing my stance on alcohol as an option. So let's be creative... what are some other ideas on how to move forward?

 

 

We also have to remember, alcoholism is in her gene pool. She's abused it herself. Am I doing harm by requesting to keep it in control?

 

It's not up to you - it's ONLY up to HER to make changes she wants or doesn't want.

 

 

As a gal that's helped more than 100 people when they've wanted to get and stay sober - you can not do this FOR her.

 

What you're describing is for her to do is 'control her drinking'. She will or she won't... And then you have a decision to make based on how she does.

 

 

For an alcoholic - it's very difficult to stop and stay stopped. Many recover but many don't. By recover I'm referring to complete abstinence long term and being happy about NOT having that drink.

 

It's an allergy. If I take a drink it activates my allergic reaction - which is to drink more.

 

 

Educate yourself on the disease - it may help you understand it better. It affects a person physically and mentally while actively drinking.

 

Recovery is difficult but worth it. People can be supportive but no one can do it for another person - it doesn't work that way. In fact, if someone is being controlling and watching the one who drinks it's usually not likely to be the best outcome.

 

 

In other words - the desire to quit only comes from within the person who intends to quit.

 

 

She may only be a problem drinker...which is different than an alcoholic. But it is a progressive disease.

[thecrucible]

It's not up to you - it's ONLY up to HER to make changes she wants or doesn't want.

 

 

As a gal that's helped more than 100 people when they've wanted to get and stay sober - you can not do this FOR her.

 

What you're describing is for her to do is 'control her drinking'. She will or she won't... And then you have a decision to make based on how she does.

 

 

For an alcoholic - it's very difficult to stop and stay stopped. Many recover but many don't. By recover I'm referring to complete abstinence long term and being happy about NOT having that drink.

 

It's an allergy. If I take a drink it activates my allergic reaction - which is to drink more.

 

 

Educate yourself on the disease - it may help you understand it better. It affects a person physically and mentally while actively drinking.

 

Recovery is difficult but worth it. People can be supportive but no one can do it for another person - it doesn't work that way. In fact, if someone is being controlling and watching the one who drinks it's usually not likely to be the best outcome.

 

 

In other words - the desire to quit only comes from within the person who intends to quit.

 

 

She may only be a problem drinker...which is different than an alcoholic. But it is a progressive disease.

 

Very valid insight from someone with experience of alcoholism.

 

However this girl just sounds like normal person to me. 2-3 drinks on a night out a few times a year is nothing.

 

I think Gemma was on point saying that he has her on a pedestal. I don't think his attitude is healthy. The older I get, the less I give two ****s about making myself miserable or bending to the will of some ridiculous standard. I think maybe OP needs to find someone with the same point of view as him as it seems like they will never find agreement without either of them having to change their fundamental character.

[kismetkismet]

I don't think you should ever ask someone to change. I think it's you that should have had to deal with the 'ultimatum'. Her behaviour didn't affect you at ALL, what about when she is with her friends, is she not allowed then either? I would understand asking her not to during your personal one on one time more.. but not this.. You should have learned to get used to it and love her for who she is or left. Not made her make that decision.

[LuckyLady13]

What else can we do? Cutting her loose isn't the only option. There is never just one option.

 

You can leave her alone, as an adult woman, to make her own decisions as to how much alcohol she consumes whenever she feels like having a drink and treat her as the adult she is? With no control? Let it go?

[randomman]

Okay randomman, I read through this entire thread and I am going to try and take a different tactic with giving you advice than many others have. So, hopefully this is somewhat helpful.

 

-Reph

 

Reph, your post was extremely helpful and helped me look at this differently.

 

 

I went back to my GF yesterday and told her I'm sorry for asking her to do this and that I "take back" what I said. That I was controlling and it wasn't fair. She accepted the apology. I told her that I don't want to control what she does and told her that I'm going to accept whatever choice she makes and I'll make a decision in the future on how she proceeds.

 

 

I discovered yesterday that my issue with drinking is 2 fold, she has many alcoholics in her family, her father included, it's a trait and genetic in her family. Her mothers father was an alcoholic. It's literally a HUGE part of her life. She's admittedly abused alcohol before. This is a real issue. Whether or not she's an alcoholic now, she has abused it. She admitted so. She admitted to me last night that she has used it to forget about her worries. She admitted last night that when I got upset with her last week about how she was acting overtly sexual towards me (not in her character), and she VEHEMENTLY DENIED that it had anything to do with alcohol, that it actually was because she was drunk..... That to me is an issue. I don't want a partner who isn't aware of her actions and doesn't realize that alcohol is prompting them. That's dangerous behavior to me. She's claimed full ignorance to what alcohol had done to her in the past, and last Friday. Until yesterday. I still don't think she agrees with me that there's anything wrong with that, and she's entitled to that. But I run off of trust. I can't trust someone who doesn't know or isn't aware of what they're doing,... and then blames it on alcohol instead of their own behavior.

 

 

Secondly, I did some introspection/meditation and found out I was placing some of my past experiences and anguish onto her. My ex wife had an affair and alcohol was involved, and a relationship from long ago was ended in the same manor. So I have been connecting alcohol with my anguish caused by previous lovers. It's not right to place that on her. What she did Friday (she was drunk, but it was still a lie to tell me alcohol wasn't effecting her behavior), kind of re-enforced my POV.

 

 

So where we're at: She told me last night that she doesn't want to be drunk anymore. She's happy just going out and having a beer or two and not getting drunk. She said this was her choice, and not because she felt like she had to. She said she doesn't care about alcohol enough to let it effect her relationships,.... and she didn't even mention me specifically. She actually mentioned her daughter first and how it could effect her relationship with her. I have accepted the fact that I need to accept what ever she chooses to do or choose to walk away. I'm glad I understand why I'm so upset about this. Her family genetics/history and her past abuse, plus my own history with alcohol and the pain it has caused me.

 

 

I would like some further insight into this if anyone has any. Where to go from here? Does it sound like this is resolved in terms of my acceptance of the issue as it is, and her choice to abstain from being drunk? Thoughts on how this unfolded?

Edited October 9, 2015 by randomman

[randomman]

And again,... I want to thank everyone for their support and help. While I do think some folks posted replies that were a lot more constructive to finding a resolution and helping me see what was going on, everyone's answer played a part.

 

 

So thank you!

[Terry8889]

What is controlling about telling her I can't be in a relationship with someone who isn't sober and leaving it up to her to decide?

 

You gave her an ultimatum that is basically saying: " You quit your habit or I will leave you" that is very controlling and manipulative, why? because you want her to do what you want and if she doesn't do it you will leave her. I am pretty sure this women likes you and that is why she hasn't dumped you yet. Most people on this thread have already told you what you should do just accept her lifestyle or you can leave. She already agreed to lessen the number of drinks she takes but sounds like she is not happy about it, and it seems like that the compromise is not enough for you. Because every time you go out with her to a party you will be stressing out counting the number of drinks she takes. Idk but that sounds like a dysfunctional relationship. Unfortunately I believe it won't last long, if you don't leave her alone now she will eventually get fed up with you and leave.

[randomman]

You gave her an ultimatum that is basically saying: " You quit your habit or I will leave you" that is very controlling and manipulative, why? because you want her to do what you want and if she doesn't do it you will leave her. I am pretty sure this women likes you and that is why she hasn't dumped you yet. Most people on this thread have already told you what you should do just accept her lifestyle or you can leave. She already agreed to lessen the number of drinks she takes but sounds like she is not happy about it, and it seems like that the compromise is not enough for you. Because every time you go out with her to a party you will be stressing out counting the number of drinks she takes. Idk but that sounds like a dysfunctional relationship. Unfortunately I believe it won't last long, if you don't leave her alone now she will eventually get fed up with you and leave.

 

 

 

Did you not read my last post? It would help if you commented AFTER you read the most recent thread entries. Can I thumbs down?