Alcohol becoming a big issue in my relationship

[acrosstheuniverse]

When I opened this thread I expected it to be about a partner with a drinking problem... she sounds like she has a normal and healthy relationship with alcohol (take it from someone who watched their Mom drink herself to death and has worked with many, many addicts). Nothing wrong with letting loose and getting drunk every couple months or so, it's not like she's doing it every day, or drinking to the point where she blacks out, gets aggressive, drunk drives or whatever.

 

You're just fundamentally incompatible. You sound very controlling, it's fine for you not to want to drink but you can't impose that on your girlfriend, coming up with scenario after scenario saying 'is this okay? is this a compromise?' when it sounds like there's very little she can do to 'compromise' other than stop drinking all together.

 

This will plague you every time she has a drink, you'll be monitoring her to check whether you perceive she's moved from sober to tipsy to drunk, she'll feel like she can't let loose, I would be worried about a female friend whose partner was suddenly trying to impose limits on her going out, drinking and having fun too. If you don't like to drink, fine. She does. Either you learn to live with that, and accept that part of her wholeheartedly (i.e. you don't pretend it's okay and then act passive aggressive to try subtly manipulate her) or break up.

[randomman]

acorsstheuniverse, I completely agree with you. And that's what I'm trying to avoid. I want us to trust each other. I don't want to monitor her and I don't want her to feel like I'm watching over her.

 

 

That being said, why can't we compromise on an issue like this? What's wrong with coming up with different ideas on how to move past this? I know were fundamentally different on this, but not by so much (I'm a prohibitionist and she's a drunk) that it's a grand canyon.

 

 

I enjoy social drinking (a couple drinks at dinner or at a friends), and she enjoys getting tipsy/drunk on special occasions. Are you saying there's no middle to work towards?

[xcupid]

So you're all suggesting to end an otherwise amazing relationship because of this one disagreement?

 

 

We're literally compatible or have compromised on every other major issue we've been put up against, but this one issue should knock down the house of cards?

 

I'd call this more than a "disagreement." These are opposing views or beliefs that obviously affect your relationship. "(I'm a prohibitionist and she's a drunk)"

 

 

Compromise doesn't seem to be working. The whole thing seems to be bugging you and will continue to do so. You will continue to monitor her alcohol consumption to see if she's staying in line. IMO this will eventually taint other aspects of the relationship. Doesn't sound that great to me.

[kismetkismet]

she likes to drink, you don't.. it's not really your place to tell her what she can and cannot do with her life. She's not forcing YOU to drink, so why should you force her not to? Her behaviour isn't making her treat you poorly, she's not getting angry or flirting with other men, or any such thing. You just don't like it.

 

Either you have to come to a better compromise that isn't needlessly controlling, or you need to split up.

[randomman]

So here's the ultimate question, what would the healthiest compromise be in everyone's opinion?

 

 

My POV: I don't like drinking past a couple drinks at dinner or a couple at a party (no real intoxication)

 

Her POV: She likes to get intoxicated during parties, family events, weddings etc...

 

 

What is a healthy compromise for us? What isn't controlling from my end, but still allows me to feel like I'm not just giving up on my stance, and vice versa?

[Ami1uwant]

I went through this with my ex gf. She wasn't a constant drinker. Her consumption was at some social gatherings with her family.

 

I rarely drink because of medication I take. When I drink I never drink more than a glass.

 

When she would drink she would usually drink in excess. I didn't like her as a drunk. Her personality would change.

 

She would get rude an obnoxious and say some mean things. At other 5imes she would use drinking as an excuse where she would do something like dancing only when drunk.

 

She was much more affected to drink in terms of peer pressure.

 

She interpreted my dislike of her drinking too much as me being controlling. It wasn't that.

[mattelipstick]

So here's the ultimate question, what would the healthiest compromise be in everyone's opinion?

 

 

My POV: I don't like drinking past a couple drinks at dinner or a couple at a party (no real intoxication)

 

Her POV: She likes to get intoxicated during parties, family events, weddings etc...

 

 

What is a healthy compromise for us? What isn't controlling from my end, but still allows me to feel like I'm not just giving up on my stance, and vice versa?

 

This whole thread is people telling you there is no such compromise. The only acceptable "compromise" would be for her to stop drinking to the point of feeling tipsy/intoxicated to please you -- which really isn't a compromise at all. It's her changing her lifestyle based on your beliefs. As a grown woman, I would not change my lifestyle just to fall in line with someone else's rules, nor would I expect a grown man to do so for me. I'd rather just find someone with whom I am fundamentally compatible where lifestyle is concerned.

[kismetkismet]

Ok you say this:

My POV: I don't like drinking past a couple drinks at dinner or a couple at a party (no real intoxication)

 

Her POV: She likes to get intoxicated during parties, family events, weddings etc...

 

Notice that here the two points of view don't even contradict one another. YOU don't like drinking past a certain number of drinks, so don't. She likes to drink AT PARTIES, but doesn't care if you do not.. If you want to be with someone who doesn't drink, you should date someone that doesn't like drinking. Simple as that..

 

If you want to make this work though, you ARE going to have to make compromises. Perhaps a reasonable request would be that if it is a party of your friends or your family you both limit the drinking, but if it is for her friends and family she can do as she wishes. You can always leave early and meet her at home.

[stillafool]

I went through this with my ex gf. She wasn't a constant drinker. Her consumption was at some social gatherings with her family.

 

I rarely drink because of medication I take. When I drink I never drink more than a glass.

 

When she would drink she would usually drink in excess. I didn't like her as a drunk. Her personality would change.

 

She would get rude an obnoxious and say some mean things. At other 5imes she would use drinking as an excuse where she would do something like dancing only when drunk.

 

She was much more affected to drink in terms of peer pressure.

 

She interpreted my dislike of her drinking too much as me being controlling. It wasn't that.

 

You see this story OP - that's why she's his ex.

 

You should make this lady your ex so she can live her life her way and you can live yours your way. There is no compromise. Good Luck.

[JasmineJones]

OP, you said you come from a land where you don't like to drink much. What land?

[No_Go]

I personally get very disturbed if my partner/friends get drunk regularly, to the point that it is a deal breaker.

 

I think you have the right to share your preferences with her, she can decide whether you or the alcohol is her priority. At the mature age of 35, if she is not an addict, it should be a no brainer...

 

 

I'm a 30/M and she's a 35/F. I don't drink very often. I've been drunk once or twice in my life and won't do it again. I will have a glass of wine with dinner or drink a beer, but will never get the least bit intoxicated.

My GF comes from a life of heavy drinking during college/early adult years. A family where alcohol is heavily used and a father that had been an alcoholic and has been sober for over a decade, and friends that like to "have fun" during get-togethers. She slowed down a bit when she was married and had a kid , but then got divorced 3 years ago and started "partying" again (shared custody, only drinks when she doesn't have the kid). She has since slowed down a lot since it was catching up with her.

 

 

Here's the issue, I come from a land where I essentially don't like alcohol affecting a person's mental state. I was very upfront with this when we started talking in June and it was a point of contention, but we thought we talked it through and came to an agreement. Which was basically, we were both OK with her occasionally drinking if she stopped before drinking too much.

 

 

We went to a family party Friday and she got what she called tipsy, but she drank enough where she passed out(not blacked out, but couldn't stay awake to listen/converse) twice while we were talking that night and woke up the next morning "tired" and with a headache. Something I've never seen her do and completely uncomfortable with.

 

 

We had a long serious discussion which basically came down to us agreeing that I would loosen up a bit, if she would limit how much she would drink so that she wouldn't drink too much where it's affecting her physically. Just enough to take the edge off.

 

 

Her best friend got into a serious discussion with her last night, saying that she noticed she didn't drink Saturday night at her friends kids bday party and was worried that I was "controlling". My GF said hell no, but I kind of wondered the same thing on Saturday and voiced that to my GF.

 

 

Which broke into another discussion today. Where she finally admitted to being more than just tipsy Friday night, something she had downplayed all weekend. She refuted that she was passing out because of the alcohol, and never lead me to believe that being tired and the headache Saturday were due to drinking(she has frequent migraines). I feel like I was mislead, but she keeps insisting that she didn't lie to me.

 

 

I'm very honest and really never lie. I think it's extremely harmful. I believe my girlfriend is one of the best people I've ever met and completely trust her. But this alcohol issue keeps rearing its ugly head. I don't know what to make of it. Now I feel like she was downplaying her "drunkenness" Friday night to side step another alcohol argument.

Any thoughts? Am I being a pain? Is she being dishonest? Should I lighten up? What is a good compromise on this?

 

 

I feel like I can loosen the leash on my prohibition sentiment as long as she agrees to not get past tipsy and not get to a point where it's affecting her physically, whether she's with me or not. I don't want to be in a relationship where alcohol can play a major role. I detest the thought of it.

[usernametaken]

So here's the ultimate question, what would the healthiest compromise be in everyone's opinion?

 

 

My POV: I don't like drinking past a couple drinks at dinner or a couple at a party (no real intoxication)

 

Her POV: She likes to get intoxicated during parties, family events, weddings etc...

 

 

What is a healthy compromise for us? What isn't controlling from my end, but still allows me to feel like I'm not just giving up on my stance, and vice versa?

 

I have my suspicions that she is already moderating her drinking somewhat to accommodate you.

 

It seems like this IS the compromise. I would try to look past her occasional tipsy night out if what you want is compromise.

[randomman]

I think I have a good idea.

 

 

She's already said she would never get crazy drunk again, before this was an issue.

 

 

Would a compromise be:

 

 

I can't promise to not get upset if she gets intoxicated, but can promise to be understanding/forgiving if she does.

 

 

She told me she would try to monitor her drinking but can't promise to not get intoxicated. So what if that's her compromise. She can't promise she won't get intoxicated, but will be as responsible as she can be with her intake.

 

 

We're both openly offering what we can't, but we're not promising things we can't live up to.

[kismetkismet]

That sounds kind of messy. You're basically promising to get upset and argue every time she gets a bit drunk, but that you'll forgive her. That frustration is going to build up over time and she's probably going to end up resenting you. she'll always be the bad guy and you'll always be the one trying to control her behaviour. If she was getting violent or messy or something that would be one thing, but you're literally just controlling her because you don't 'like' it?

[randomman]

it sounded good in my head! If everyone keeps saying I'm trying to control the situation. I'm open to advice. I don't disagree with everyone, but I have a hard time reasoning it in my head. I literally had the idea of intoxication for myself, and for those close to me. My mom is the same way (finding this out through discussion with her today). So my GF, one of the most important people in my life gets intoxicated, and I get upset. I don't like seeing her like that.

 

 

Her exact words were, "I promise to watch my drinking"...... "but I cant promise it wont happen again". I'm kinda stuck on that too. She promised, but then couldn't promise what she promised.

[thecrucible]

I suppose you might perceive me as a heavy drinker but hey I am from a country known for its enjoyment of booze . When I go out on nights out with friends, I may have 3-4 drinks which is okay. I used to go a bit more wild and have about 7 drinks and mix my drinks and end up with crazy hangovers. My friends and I will only have a few drinks now, sometimes none at all as we have grown out of that phase now.

 

I think it's the setting that's more important. If you're drinking some and it's with friends and a social atmosphere then it's not the same as if you are spending time by yourself drinking your troubles away. My uncle was an alcoholic and died of liver disease so I am acutely aware of this kind of thing.

 

So my question is? Why is that you don't like the drinking if it isn't religious reasons? Do you associate it with a lack of maturity? Do you dislike drugs altogether? Are you afraid that she will get out of control and something will happen?

 

I don't think you can get her to quit drinking as that will be her decision. It seems like you're being a little harsh as the odd night out hardly does anyone any harm. However I respect your decision. There is nothing for taking a different kind of view. But as you don't expect her to make you go out drinking, so you can't expect her to quit altogether.

[kismetkismet]

She's not going to stop drinking. She will curb it a bit for your sake when she can, but it's her life and i sincerely doubt she's going to give up drinking entirely. It's not something you can expect from someone to be honest. I appreciate that you are trying to wrap your head around it.. I think that you are either going to have to get used to seeing your girlfriend a bit intoxicated or you're going to have to move on.

 

Do you know why it upsets you so much? Were you exposed to excessive and destructive drinking at some point? Is it a deeper control issue, or is it a fundamental value for you? Maybe you should think about those kinds of things and truly ask yourself if that is a deal breaker for you and why. How does it negatively impact you, etc. I'm not saying you should change your mind, but you can't expect her to either.. If it's not something that you can be flexible with then you should find someone that feels the same way about the issue.

[randomman]

I don't expect her to quit drinking. I'm ok with having a few drinks out. 1,2,3,4... etc.... as long as intoxication to the point where your behavior changes occurs. That's when I have an issue. We were at my cousins wedding over the summer and she had 7 beers during the night, but spaced them out and had plenty of water and food. I didn't give a ****! Last Friday she didn't eat much and had no water and was almost immediately affected by it.

 

 

I don't care what or how much she drinks, it's getting intoxicated that bothers me.

 

 

It's a fundamental value for me. I don't look down on her for it. I was never exposed to any alcohol abuse by close family or friends. It's just a decision I made as a young man and have kept. I have the same view on drugs and smoking.

[thecrucible]

I don't care what or how much she drinks, it's getting intoxicated that bothers me.

 

Specifically relating to your girlfriend, how does her behaviour change when she is drinking?

 

It's just a decision I made as a young man and have kept. I have the same view on drugs and smoking.

 

That's your point of view, which I respect. Do you think it's a game changer if a partner drinks if it doesn't affect the quality of your relationship? By all means, your relationship sounds great and if it doesn't affect that then...why the issue?

 

I think with all people there are going to be qualities that jar with you and no one is going to be a perfect match. It's just a decision you make on balance that that person is good. There are always going to be qualities that you tolerate in your spouse because there are so many great things to make up for it. Love is acceptance.

[kismetkismet]

That may be a problem then.. If it is a fundamental value for you, then you need to find someone that has the same values. She can't ask you to change yours, and you can't ask her to change hers, it is as simple as that.

[mattelipstick]

 

It's a fundamental value for me. I don't look down on her for it.

 

Again, you have made several judgmental statements in this thread alone that indicate you do look down on drinkers (they have weak minds, their drinking signifies they don't like who they are, etc.).

 

But in response to your proposal, I agree with the other posters. It's silly to say well, I'll get upset every time you become intoxicated and probably fight with you about it -- but it's fine because I'll come around and "forgive" you eventually. And even THAT is controlling, because no adult needs "forgiveness" for getting buzzed on a night out.

[thecrucible]

Again, you have made several judgmental statements in this thread alone that indicate you do look down on drinkers (they have weak minds, their drinking signifies they don't like who they are, etc.).

 

I noticed that too. I think it depends on the individual and you can't make blanket judgements. But I'm just wondering if there is a particular effect it has on his girlfriend that he doesn't like? as in something specific? I mean for most people drinking is just a way to unwind, not a big deal or anything. I had an ex who judged me for smoking a joint on one occasion in my entire life while at college (I'm not an addict haha). I don't care if the person I'm dating is teetotal or a drinker as long as they are moderate and don't mind socialising.

 

I'll get upset every time you become intoxicated and probably fight with you about it -- but it's fine because I'll come around and "forgive" you eventually. And even THAT is controlling, because no adult needs "forgiveness" for getting buzzed on a night out.

 

Yeah I picked up on that too. It sounds quite self-righteous because the implication is that her behaviour needs to be forgiven in the first place. And it's kind of like he's trying to grind her down by putting on a pouty face and getting upset every time she gets intoxicated.

[mattelipstick]

I noticed that too. I think it depends on the individual and you can't make blanket judgements. But I'm just wondering if there is a particular effect it has on his girlfriend that he doesn't like? as in something specific? I mean for most people drinking is just a way to unwind, not a big deal or anything. I had an ex who judged me for smoking a joint on one occasion in my entire life while at college (I'm not an addict haha). I don't care if the person I'm dating is teetotal or a drinker as long as they are moderate and don't mind socialising.

 

This is why I don't think OP has the capacity to compromise on this issue. I drink socially, but I'd never date someone who regularly gets sloppy, sloppy drunk. I've had certain friends I stopped going out with as much over the years because they are the types who get sloppy and belligerent, or require babysitting/supervision (which isn't my idea of a fun time). But in OP's case, it sounds like he just has a problem with the very notion of people being intoxicated, even if it doesn't result in behavior that affects him negatively. That does not really lend itself to compromise.

[randomman]

But in OP's case, it sounds like he just has a problem with the very notion of people being intoxicated, even if it doesn't result in behavior that affects him negatively. That does not really lend itself to compromise.

 

That really is my issue. I'm trying to understand a different POV on the subject matter: intoxication. I REALLY don't want this to be a stupid thing that ends this relationship. I'm trying to understand why I have this reaction to intoxication. As long as she doesn't get sloppy, I'm happy being with her. She doesn't do that anyways. She's already said she doesn't want/need to get intoxicated but probably will on occasion.

 

 

So let's say I want to accept that with no other stipulations. My compromise is that I want to meet her right then and there and have no issue with it. How do I go about shifting my POV on intoxication? She hasn't done anything to harm her or me. Or made me to feel like she would.

 

 

Her families history scares me(dad is a recovering alcoholic which happened during her early/teenage years, and her family functions revolve around booze), and she used to be more of a partier (as recently as last year), but she doesn't show signs of it now, and she has said she felt dumb for doing it. Do I keep those things in consideration, or take her at her word that she's not like that anymore?

 

 

How can I stop looking at being intoxicated in general as a bad/inferior thing? Especially if she's just getting a buzz?

[anna121]

I think I have a good idea.

 

 

She's already said she would never get crazy drunk again, before this was an issue.

 

 

Would a compromise be:

 

 

I can't promise to not get upset if she gets intoxicated, but can promise to be understanding/forgiving if she does.

 

 

She told me she would try to monitor her drinking but can't promise to not get intoxicated. So what if that's her compromise. She can't promise she won't get intoxicated, but will be as responsible as she can be with her intake.

 

 

We're both openly offering what we can't, but we're not promising things we can't live up to.

 

The problem is that you are setting yourself up in the superior position, and her in the inferior one. So YOU have to "understand" and "be forgiving".

 

Healthy rel-ships don't work that way. Forgiveness should be rare, because the situations that warrant forgiveness should be rare.

 

Very bad idea to set up a dynamic where you will regularly have to be "understanding" of your partner's "misdeeds".