Alcohol becoming a big issue in my relationship

[anna121]

That really is my issue. I'm trying to understand a different POV on the subject matter: intoxication. I REALLY don't want this to be a stupid thing that ends this relationship. I'm trying to understand why I have this reaction to intoxication. As long as she doesn't get sloppy, I'm happy being with her. She doesn't do that anyways. She's already said she doesn't want/need to get intoxicated but probably will on occasion.

 

 

So let's say I want to accept that with no other stipulations. My compromise is that I want to meet her right then and there and have no issue with it. How do I go about shifting my POV on intoxication? She hasn't done anything to harm her or me. Or made me to feel like she would.

 

 

Her families history scares me(dad is a recovering alcoholic which happened during her early/teenage years, and her family functions revolve around booze), and she used to be more of a partier (as recently as last year), but she doesn't show signs of it now, and she has said she felt dumb for doing it. Do I keep those things in consideration, or take her at her word that she's not like that anymore?

 

 

How can I stop looking at being intoxicated in general as a bad/inferior thing? Especially if she's just getting a buzz?

 

That would probably require some form of counselling; deep introspection. And it might not work. It can be hard to shift fundamental beliefs.

[randomman]

I am actually going to talk to my counselor about it.

 

 

It's driving me crazy. I know this is stupid. I know I'm being a little too picky. She doesn't get sloppy drunk and doesn't even drink to intoxication on a regular basis. Yet, I still can't kick the idea out of my head that I have an issue with it.

[kismetkismet]

I definitely disagree with your stance on intoxication etc. but i think it's really mature and productive of you to be trying to addressing this stance of yours. I think that getting to the root of this issue for you will help you realize whether it is something that is a fundamental preference/need and how much of it you can let go of.

[mattelipstick]

Good luck, OP. Regardless of the outcome, it's admirable that you care enough about your GF to explore your feelings.

[Terry8889]

I don't think you have to change your views/opinions on this matter. Those are your choices, your thoughts and that is just who you are. If you don't like seeing her drunk... well you can't change that! She doesn't have to change her views and behavior either. This is an issue that will build up over time. She will either resent you for trying to control her habits and then dump you or you will resent her for not doing what you want and then you will dump her. To be honest I don't see future in this relationship. You both are adults and you can't tell her what to do, and you should not have to change your views/opinions to meet somebody else's lifestyle. You should find a women who shares similar views about alcohol.

Edited October 7, 2015 by Terry8889

[kismetkismet]

I agree with terry that you don't HAVE to change your stance. But i do think it's worth exploring why you have it. Sometimes you realize that these kinds of things are rooted in insecurities or beliefs that aren't actually true to you, other times you realize that it's simply a fundamental issue for you that you need to stand by. Either way it's worth finding that out before making a decision. Then you can be sure in this situation, and in future situations.

[stillafool]

it sounded good in my head! If everyone keeps saying I'm trying to control the situation. I'm open to advice. I don't disagree with everyone, but I have a hard time reasoning it in my head. I literally had the idea of intoxication for myself, and for those close to me. My mom is the same way (finding this out through discussion with her today). So my GF, one of the most important people in my life gets intoxicated, and I get upset. I don't like seeing her like that.

 

 

Her exact words were, "I promise to watch my drinking"...... "but I cant promise it wont happen again". I'm kinda stuck on that too. She promised, but then couldn't promise what she promised.

 

This means she will get drunk if she feels like it. If you argue with her while she drinks she may get a drinking buddy that's more fun to hang out with when she's in the mood to drink. You two are not compatible.

[randomman]

So I talked to my counselor about everything and approached him from the perspective of,.... I can't be in a relationship with someone who isn't sober. He asked me questions (he has a background as a drug and alcohol counselor and now relationship/marriage counseling) and believes I didn't have any irrational fears.

 

 

I talked to him about her actions from this past weekend, and while he agreed her drinking wasn't abnormal, her reactions to some of my questions raised red flags for him. Including the family history (which I found out from her last night, that alcoholism is a genetic trait in her family, she has multiple alcoholics in her family and has admittedly abused alcohol herself but never to a point where she was dependent on it).

 

 

He agreed that I should basically propose to her that I can't be in a relationship with someone who isn't sober, and give her the choice on how she wants to proceed. Which would be keep drinking as she pleases ( and I would need to leave), or drink only to what keeps her sober or under the legal limit (which was the easiest way to describe it to her) and have a relationship with me.

 

 

So I proposed this to her, in person. Long story short, we talked, I told her my stance, I mentioned the red flags, and I asked her some questions about what she felt her relationship with alcohol was. She got flooded and had to leave the house for about 45 mins. Came back and decided that she was able to remain sober. That's what she thought we originally agreed to last week. (It wasn't, we agreed to her being more responsible, and getting drunk from time to time).

 

 

So whether there was miscommunication or not last week. We agreed to it yesterday. But I seem to have a hang up. When I asked how she would explain this to her friends if they asked why she was drinking, her first response was "because of you", which kind of felt to me like she wasn't ok with it. Like it wasn't something she was ok with agreeing to but she felt she had to.

 

 

Also, when I was asking her about her past, she got very defensive and didn't want to go into it. She did begrudgingly, and did finally admit to abusing alcohol after her divorce (the past 3 years) but stopped right before I met her because she didn't like how she was getting.

 

 

I'm kind of confused with everything?

[JasmineJones]

I'm starting to feel really sorry for OP's gf. This is such controlling behaviour.

[randomman]

What is controlling about telling her I can't be in a relationship with someone who isn't sober and leaving it up to her to decide?

[JasmineJones]

What is controlling about telling her I can't be in a relationship with someone who isn't sober and leaving it up to her to decide?

 

what do you even mean by sober? That she cannot touch any alcohol at all ever?

[randomman]

sober meaning below the legal limit. If you can't drink and drive, you're not sober.

 

 

A drink or two doesn't make you drunk. 4,5, or 6 does.

 

 

It's my preference. I never told her she had to do it. Previously, all of the compromise BS, I agree that was controlling. I was telling her, I'll be with you but you need to do this and do that and do this.

Now, making it clear cut, I want to be in a sober relationship. I can't be in a relationship where someone gets drunk. I'm telling her what my choice is. I've already chosen what I want. She now has the chance to choose what she wants.

Edited October 8, 2015 by randomman

[JasmineJones]

Nowadays the word 'sober' is typically used to refer to somebody who completely abstains from alcohol (or other intoxicants).

 

sober meaning below the legal limit. If you can't drink and drive, you're not sober.

 

 

A drink or two doesn't make you drunk. 4,5, or 6 does.

 

 

It's my preference. I never told her she had to do it. Previously, all of the compromise BS, I agree that was controlling. I was telling her, I'll be with you but you need to do this and do that and do this.

Now, making it clear cut, I want to be in a sober relationship. I can't be in a relationship where someone gets drunk. I'm telling her what my choice is. I've already chosen what I want. She now has the chance to choose what she wants.

[randomman]

I understand that. I made it explicitly clear to her what I meant by sober. I made sure there was no murky water.

 

 

She was of the understanding that I'm ok with drinking a couple drinks (I do it too) as long as we're still sober (under the legal drink and drive limit to make it clear). That is what she made her decision based off of.

[kismetkismet]

This looks like a recipe for disaster. You can't make people live their lives differently, they have to do it for themselves. Honestly I think this is going to build resentment. Especially the fact that she said that when her friends asked she would say "because of you" which is 100% true, and her friends aren't going to like it. If she WANTED to stop and you were encouraging her to that would be different. If there was a deep seated desire in her to cut back even. But she is changing herself and her life 100% to suit your needs, which never ends well. Sure she has agreed to your ultimatum, but this kind of situation creates a lot of tension.

 

If you want to date someone who is sober, you find someone who is sober. You don't go into someone's life, have them develop feelings and attachment to you, and then give them an ultimatum to change. That's why it's important to know what your fundamental needs are going in.

[randomman]

I don't believe this was a big deal for her in the first place. I think we miscommunicated everything in the beginning.

 

 

I'm on the fence whether she made her choice for her or for me or for both. Only time can tell that.

 

 

Either way, she made it. How do we prevent tension from mounting or relieve any resentment if it does occur?

Edited October 8, 2015 by randomman

[mattelipstick]

sober meaning below the legal limit. If you can't drink and drive, you're not sober.

 

 

A drink or two doesn't make you drunk. 4,5, or 6 does.

 

 

It's my preference. I never told her she had to do it. Previously, all of the compromise BS, I agree that was controlling. I was telling her, I'll be with you but you need to do this and do that and do this.

Now, making it clear cut, I want to be in a sober relationship. I can't be in a relationship where someone gets drunk. I'm telling her what my choice is. I've already chosen what I want. She now has the chance to choose what she wants.

 

Will you be requiring her to take breathalyzer tests to prove she is under the legal limit? And it's obvious she's making the choice because you gave her an ultimatum. Why do you have an issue with her being honest about that to her friends/loved ones?

[LuckyLady13]

I'm on the fence whether she made her choice for her or for me or for both. Only time can tell that.

 

She said "because of you".

 

 

You knew she drank when you two started your relationship. Then, you decided to change your mind about this aspect of her personality because you don't like it and give her an ultimatum? Alcohol or me? And you don't see how that is controlling?

 

I don't know how you don't see this.

 

If you had alcoholics in your family, would it be okay for her to police you every time you touched an alcoholic beverage? No. And it's not okay to hold an alcoholic family against someone who is not an alcoholic.

 

There is nothing wrong with a grown woman making her own decisions regarding alcohol. What she's doing is not just perfectly legal but hurting no one.

 

You should have told her you are sorry for thinking you'd be okay with her having more drinks than you would. You made a mistake, thinking you could go forward with this relationship. You made the mistake in thinking that she should live by the rules you've set out for yourself. And have a problem understanding that you end where she begins, have controlling behavior you need to work on and sincerely apologize to this woman.

[randomman]

Part of the agreement is trust. I trust her to remain sober. She trusts me that I won't be watching over her back. I don't want to be with someone who requires a breathalyzer test.

 

 

I know she's making the choice because she was given an ultimatum. But it's something she chose to do. If she would have chosen the alcohol, then I honestly think I would have dodged a huge bullet anyways. She pretty much instantly chose being sober and the relationship. Whether that's going to create some resentment initially or some tension, I don't know. Probably. Only time will tell that.

 

 

As far as her being honest with her friends, I think there's a difference between being honest and throwing someone under the bus. My issue is that if she doesn't whole heartedly believe in this choice, she probably would throw me under the bus. Tell everyone I hate drinking so she's "not allowed" to. That would show me that the resentment train is on its way.

 

 

If she explained it to them as being a choice she made for us and for her, because it does no harm to her, because it's really important to me. A choice we made as a team. That's a different story.

 

 

We had a similar stale mate about a month ago (although we worked through it in an hour) regarding religion and how to raise a child. We took a break for 10 minutes reconvened and I decided that it was a bigger deal for her and I was going to concede my point, whole-heartedly, and I never looked back. If someone asked me, why the hell are you raising your kid catholic? You hate religion! I would say, it was a choice we made. Even though I fully conceded. I would say it was something we decided on together.

[randomman]

I did apologize to her for thinking I would be Ok with it. She accepted my apology.

 

 

So what you're saying is,... I changed my mind, I should have told her sorry, and said "We can't date anymore"?

 

 

Instead of giving her the choice to remain in the relationship/sober and not get drunk 3-4x a year? That sounds ludicrous. I'm ending a relationship without any input from you. End of story

[keebee]

But the thing is that this isn't a choice you made as a team. You gave her an ultimatum--that's not compromise, that's not a discussion, it's not a team decision. There's zero compromise here--you still get to drink what *you* think is an acceptable amount while she has agreed to stop drinking beyond a point that *you* have decided is appropriate. Expecting her to frame it as a compromise/team decision/her own individual choice to her friends and family is not fair.

[mattelipstick]

Part of the agreement is trust. I trust her to remain sober. She trusts me that I won't be watching over her back. I don't want to be with someone who requires a breathalyzer test.

 

 

I know she's making the choice because she was given an ultimatum. But it's something she chose to do. If she would have chosen the alcohol, then I honestly think I would have dodged a huge bullet anyways. She pretty much instantly chose being sober and the relationship. Whether that's going to create some resentment initially or some tension, I don't know. Probably. Only time will tell that.

 

 

As far as her being honest with her friends, I think there's a difference between being honest and throwing someone under the bus. My issue is that if she doesn't whole heartedly believe in this choice, she probably would throw me under the bus. Tell everyone I hate drinking so she's "not allowed" to. That would show me that the resentment train is on its way.

 

 

If she explained it to them as being a choice she made for us and for her, because it does no harm to her, because it's really important to me. A choice we made as a team. That's a different story.

 

 

We had a similar stale mate about a month ago (although we worked through it in an hour) regarding religion and how to raise a child. We took a break for 10 minutes reconvened and I decided that it was a bigger deal for her and I was going to concede my point, whole-heartedly, and I never looked back. If someone asked me, why the hell are you raising your kid catholic? You hate religion! I would say, it was a choice we made. Even though I fully conceded. I would say it was something we decided on together.

 

So you'll just be administering the "eye test" every time she drinks to ensure she does not cross the legal threshold, then? That doesn't sound like a recipe for utter disaster or awful/repetitive disagreements! [/sarcasm] I mean, honestly, how do you plan to enforce this rule? Must she notify you when she is approaching buzzed, or will you just be monitoring her intake and then cutting her off when she has reached her (your) limit? I can almost guarantee that the two of you won't magically see eye to eye as to what the legal limit feels/looks like, absent a hard-line test.

 

She told you from her own mouth that the decision is "because of you." I don't see her conveying that to her friends and family as throwing you under the bus -- it's just being honest. I know it feels better to frame it as a team decision, but she's already told you pretty bluntly that you are the reason. It is what it is, no sense in dodging it because it will (rightfully, I think) color her loved ones' perception of you.

[randomman]

I see your point keebee. I understand that now.... My point is... we've already crossed that bridge.... it doesn't help that everyone isn't offering advice going forward. I'm not going to change my stance on alcohol and sobriety.

 

Everyone is saying I really only had 2 options, leave her or give her an ultimatum. What else was I supposed to do if I did my soul searching and knew I couldn't change my stance? I think I look like a jerk either way.

 

 

One way I'm saying it's me or the alcohol.

The other way is me saying you have no say so in this, I'm leaving you. You don't have a say in whether you want to be sober with me or not.

 

 

So what else is there assuming my sober stance doesn't move?

[S2B]

I understand that. I made it explicitly clear to her what I meant by sober. I made sure there was no murky water.

 

 

She was of the understanding that I'm ok with drinking a couple drinks (I do it too) as long as we're still sober (under the legal drink and drive limit to make it clear). That is what she made her decision based off of.

 

You are misguided about 'sober'.

 

Sober = unaltered.

 

A few drinks is not sober. You are asking her to 'control' her drinking.

 

Some people can and some have no control over it.

 

She would never stay sober unless she does it FOR herself/best interest.

 

It's not possible to control someone else's actions without resentments.

 

You are going toward a goal from a backwards position.

 

 

Allow her the respect, grace and dignity to be herself - to do as she wishes. If that's not in alignment with your wishes then it's simply not a good match.

[randomman]

Again, I'M NOT GOING TO MONITOR HER DRINKING! I'm going to trust her. If she made the decision, I'm going to trust her.

 

 

 

 

... So the decision is because of me. What can I do to give something back? How do I offer a concession on my end?