Was this my fault?

[S2B]

I've been thinking so hard today about this. I was abused as a child, as someone mentioned here as a possibility.

 

I am treated very poorly by my husband, but many times he treats me like his queen. He says he does everything for me and I see him do just that. But, it has to be under his control. When I appear very happy and grateful for whatever he has chosen for us, he's so happy. But if I appear in anyway concerned about something ...he immediately thinks it is about him and he starts probing. "You don't love me anymore, I can see it on your face". I will say i DO love you. He will respond back angrily. No. You obviously don't. I see something in your eyes. You are not smiling all day like you did when we first met. I've let you down??

You don't want me anymore? No matter how many times I say he's wrong... His insecurity screams out.

 

It's hard. I do love him. And I do still "want" him. But, he is so mean when I'm not under his watch. Texting. Calling. Pelting me with constant questions.

 

I did get that job offer today. It is from my old employer. I told my husband my old boss (male) wanted to have coffee with me to see if I could do part time work from home. (It's actually full time with my old salary back). He was most upset that I was going to be meeting a man alone. My boss! And he kept insisting that he come along!

 

Obviously I didn't take him. But he was very nervous and when I returned he asked me how many times I flirted with this man. I said I didn't! He said I don't believe that.

 

Please start the job as soon as possible - and make sure you move out immediately!

 

I hope you can find a place that is gate guarded.

 

Separate all areas of your life from him. Start new(separate) bank accounts and establish yourself separately from him.

 

File divorce papers and try to be out of town when he is served.

 

Alert trusted friend or family to help protect you.

[trippi1432]

Isn't the fact that your daughter is so badly affected by this, enough impetus?

the longer you hesitate, the more you expose her to this senseless vitriol, the more you damage her, and the more you colour her poor opinion of you.

Because believe me, the more you tolerate this, the less value she will place upon you.

 

Your hesitation is creating a dysfunctional future for her.

 

Shootingfromhip: This statement here from TaraMaiden is actually very true, but hopefully your daughter knows a mother/daughter bond of unconditional love.

 

Please do consider this when it comes to your daughter. My own daughter, who was 7 at the time my ex came into our lives and is now 28, has told me she understands why I stayed for 15 years (because of our son) and has always considered me a strong woman, but the dysfunction did take a toll on her in her late teen and young adult years.

 

I don't like encouraging anyone to leave a marriage, but I've tried to "cure" dysfunction in my home when our children were young and the sad part is, one person can't do that by themselves.

 

Good luck on that job, take the offer and don't hesitate. I hesitated leaving with a very good job that would have supported myself and the kids, and have regretted it. If I knew now what I knew then, I would have been LONG GONE over a decade ago and my children and I would have been much happier.

[OldRover]

He accuses her of lying when she is stuck in traffic, he blows up her phone with stupid whiny messages while she is trying to conduct a business meeting, he takes her money and doesn't even give her access to it. Does this sound like a man who can be reasoned with? A man who would be willing to examine his own flaws, admit his wrongs and put in the hard work to change. I can tell you from experience that men like this are not fixable and it makes me ill that you would suggest that it's the OP's responsibility to somehow make him better. Men like him steal the soul of their partner, they suck every bit of joy out of life. The OP can't help him , especially if she can't even help herself. He's got her to where she doesn't even know which way is up anymore. He is breaking her will and her spirit. How the hell is she supposed to help him when she herself needs help? She needs to leave to save herself and if he wants help he can damn well go see a professional, which he won't because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him.

 

I agree mostly with what you say, except that "he can't be fixed". Anyone can be fixed, if we know how. Shooting did mention that there is still love in the family, and that's certainly worth a shot.

 

Shooting: What have you done you help yourself (and him) in this situation? Counciling? IC or MC, Any therapy? And what is your H reaction to getting some help?

[OldRover]

More appalling is suggesting any person stay and take abuse. This guy is over the top controlling and mean.

 

Why are you encouraging someone take that abuse? It's crazy and unacceptable to be treated that way.

 

I know you want everyone here encouraging married people to stay married.

 

Abusive and controlling marriages shouldn't be something that's encouraged.

 

 

S2B, Read my post, I'm not encouraging one to take abuse. I'm encouraging them to fix it. Sure, not OPs responsibility .... but who will start the fixing, if possible. Abuse can be fixed, but will take some effort. There should be an effort made.

[OldRover]

shootingfromhip,

 

A few questions that I'm not sure have been answered:

 

What have you done to try to fix this, counseling or anything? What is his response to your trying to do something, and getting him help?

 

How long has this been going on? Was this obvious before you married him?

 

He does need to show a lot more respect for you and support you, especially with the new job. Did he ever respect you?

 

You have to decide if you want to fix this, as it doesn't sound like he will. You can be the one to get this back on track, but will take some effort and you'll have to decide on how much you're willing to do, and eventually it will take the both of you.

 

I realize the most posters are spring loaded to say divorce him right away, and that's your choice. It just seems like there's really a thought to try to make this work. You did say that there's still some love and good times there.

[TaraMaiden2]

I agree mostly with what you say, except that "he can't be fixed". Anyone can be fixed, if we know how.

Yes, but the OP is not the one who should be doing the fixing. Nobody can fix someone else. Not even the most seasoned, experienced and educated therapist/counsellor can fix anybody else.

The only person who can fix a person - IS that person.

And I get the distinct impression 'that person' is not even open to considering considering it.

 

Shooting did mention that there is still love in the family, and that's certainly worth a shot.

Why?

There is still affection, love, emotion involved in the majority of break-up/divorce cases. Nobody ever hates someone so completely that there is no longer any distinctive ounce of some caring there.

But 'Love' is not enough. And the OP's commitment is clearly insufficient to turn him around and make him see sense.

 

Shooting: What have you done you help yourself (and him) in this situation? Counciling? IC or MC, Any therapy? And what is your H reaction to getting some help?

Re-read the whole thread, and then tell me, honestly. What would you say and do to ensure a positive response from this man?

because I have actually WORKED in counselling and let me tell you as far as I am concerned, the OP is far better off in this specific case, seeking as quick a legal separation as she can.

[Lois_Griffin]

The reason I don't have full custody is because my husband's house (where I moved to) is outside of my daughter's school district. So I SHARE custody, but when I go to her games ... school meetings... Etc...It is a further drive and that's why he is complaining about my travel so much.

Sorry, but Father of Year - whose own kids barely want anything to do with him - is probably the LAST one who should be finger-pointing at anyone's parenting. Seriously. The LAST one.

He doesn't like that once or twice a week .. I go and pick her up from school and have dinner with her. He says he understands, but it is hard for him to deal with because he misses me so much.

Come on. Tell me you don't actually believe that steaming pile of horse manure about him missing you SOOOO much? Oh my God, this guy is such a manipulative LIAR.

But, he wanted to charge me (with my money) for traveling to see my daughter...when in reality... I have to make these trips because I moved into his house.

I actually laughed when I read this. Does he charge you for toilet paper when you use the bathroom? A can of coke when you take it from the fridge? $2.50 when you do a load of laundry?

 

Because he should be, using his twisted logic.

 

This guy is a manipulative psychopath, plain and simple.

[S2B]

S2B, Read my post, I'm not encouraging one to take abuse. I'm encouraging them to fix it. Sure, not OPs responsibility .... but who will start the fixing, if possible. Abuse can be fixed, but will take some effort. There should be an effort made.

 

Her daughter is now being affected negatively.

 

I can't see why it's useful that her daughter learns to stay with a man who's abusive.

 

 

We lead by example - and her daughter is being trained to shut up and live with abuse! That's not right! The daughter will think this is her 'normal' and will likely choose an abusive partner when she grows up.

 

Training kids to stay and be abused is not helpful.

 

 

OP - I hope you took the new job and I hope you show your daughter that every person deserves to be free - to live without criticism and control over others.

 

 

Please let us know what you're doing to change this. Change is up to you. It takes contrary action to get things moving in a new direction.

[hotgurl]

You husband is controlling and abusive and you should leave him. Separate you money out so you can.

Edited October 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Inappropriate comments moderated

[Rejected Rosebud]

It was when we were 4 moths into dating.

So if he's still bringing this up now, I guess your marriage must basically be hellish!!! I'm sorry!! If this is not the kind of behavior that you enjoy and evidently he is "always right" you should leave the marriage, or accept this because it seems to be the norm!!! Are you a newscaster?? Just asking because your story sure sounds familiar!!