Was this my fault?

[OldRover]

shootingfromhip.

 

[commentary on other posts redacted]

 

Don't give up without an effort. Counseling, reading up on ways you can turn him around, talk to him... lots of things you can do.

 

You don't say how long this behavior has lasted, but if short term, it should be solvable. If it's been since you married him, perhaps you made a mistake. But you obviously loved him enough to marry him, and spend 4 years with him.

 

Don't give up until you exhausted every possible solution.

Edited October 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden2]

shootingfromhip.

 

[commentary on other posts redacted]

 

Don't give up without an effort. Counseling, reading up on ways you can turn him around, talk to him... lots of things you can do.

 

You don't say how long this behavior has lasted, but if short term, it should be solvable. If it's been since you married him, perhaps you made a mistake. But you obviously loved him enough to marry him, and spend 4 years with him.

 

Don't give up until you exhausted every possible solution.

Totally disagree with this advice.

When someone is in a dysfunctional relationship with a man whose character is so warped as to create situations like the ones described, no amount of reasoning will have the slightest effect.

There comes a time when you cannot 'go gentle into that goodnight.'

You have to roll up your sleeves and do what is best, and right now, extrication form the situation is both urgent and paramount.

 

Sometimes, staying with someone for 4 years, isn't love.

It's emotional entrapment.

Edited October 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Just a Guy]

Hi Shooting, Just wanted to know as to how you got together with your husband and how long did you date him before marrying him? If you dated him long enough before marriage then you would have seen signs of his behaviour during that period. It should have forewarned you. Also, was this your second marriage? How old are both of you?

[S2B]

shootingfromhip.

 

[commentary on other posts redacted]

 

Don't give up without an effort. Counseling, reading up on ways you can turn him around, talk to him... lots of things you can do.

 

You don't say how long this behavior has lasted, but if short term, it should be solvable. If it's been since you married him, perhaps you made a mistake. But you obviously loved him enough to marry him, and spend 4 years with him.

 

Don't give up until you exhausted every possible solution.

 

More appalling is suggesting any person stay and take abuse. This guy is over the top controlling and mean.

 

Why are you encouraging someone take that abuse? It's crazy and unacceptable to be treated that way.

 

I know you want everyone here encouraging married people to stay married.

 

Abusive and controlling marriages shouldn't be something that's encouraged.

Edited October 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Grumpybutfun]

As a man who has been married for 21 years...I find your husbands behavior to be controlling, gaslighting and abusive. You can try marriage counseling but he will most likely use his gaslighting to make you the culprit and he the victim. I would invest in individual counseling to figure out what in your past made you drawn to someone so dysfunctional and controlling.

Also, do not neglect your job for him ever again...this is your livelihood and he is compromising your career...and your ability to take care of yourself so you will be financially dependent on him. He is a jackwad. Time to take care of your one life...marriage should be about equal partners....he has made you a child in your marriage.

Move on,

Grumps

[anika99]

shootingfromhip.

 

[commentary on other posts redacted]

 

Don't give up without an effort. Counseling, reading up on ways you can turn him around, talk to him... lots of things you can do.

 

You don't say how long this behavior has lasted, but if short term, it should be solvable. If it's been since you married him, perhaps you made a mistake. But you obviously loved him enough to marry him, and spend 4 years with him.

 

Don't give up until you exhausted every possible solution.

 

He accuses her of lying when she is stuck in traffic, he blows up her phone with stupid whiny messages while she is trying to conduct a business meeting, he takes her money and doesn't even give her access to it. Does this sound like a man who can be reasoned with? A man who would be willing to examine his own flaws, admit his wrongs and put in the hard work to change. I can tell you from experience that men like this are not fixable and it makes me ill that you would suggest that it's the OP's responsibility to somehow make him better. Men like him steal the soul of their partner, they suck every bit of joy out of life. The OP can't help him , especially if she can't even help herself. He's got her to where she doesn't even know which way is up anymore. He is breaking her will and her spirit. How the hell is she supposed to help him when she herself needs help? She needs to leave to save herself and if he wants help he can damn well go see a professional, which he won't because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him.

Edited October 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[shootingfromhip]

This is actually his third marriage. He has 2 teenage children who he isn't very close with.

 

The other thing is my daughter. My husband hates the fact that I get along with my ex. We are cordial to each other. My ex hates my husband because he was threatening him and very aggressive to him in the beginning. So much so, he threatened to harm him. Because of this past history, my husband tries to prevent me from ever paying extra child support or fees related to my daughter.

 

My husband has offered to have her live with us full time .. Which of course my ex doesn't want. So, when my ex has to travel for work (during his normal custody time) he will ask me if I want to take care of my daughter. My husband blows up and resists. Says he won't make my ex's life easier. "F him". It makes it awkward because my daughter begs that my husband never come to volleyball games or even her bday party, because she knows how much hate there between them.

 

I always want my daughter with me... Which my husband doesn't mind... But he does when it somehow helps my ex juggle his work etc.

 

In fact, my husband has even suggested we hide some of my income... To trick my ex (and the court) into believing I have no money to pay for child support.

 

It is very difficult, because when I tell him no... Or that it's wrong... He will accuse me of still having feelings for my ex, since I am trying to help. But, "help" is really only me wanting to do what's right.

 

Hi Shooting, Just wanted to know as to how you got together with your husband and how long did you date him before marrying him? If you dated him long enough before marriage then you would have seen signs of his behaviour during that period. It should have forewarned you. Also, was this your second marriage? How old are both of you?

[MidwestUSA]

Anyone who would say 'F him', referring to my daughter's father, would be out the door so fast I'd have to call a shoe repair man to get my boot toe out of his butt.

 

Your husband doesn't seem to know how to get along in an adult world. Threats? Hiding money? Him not allowing you access to money?

 

You know the right thing to do. I feel for your daughter.

[TaraMaiden2]

This is actually his third marriage. He has 2 teenage children who he isn't very close with.

 

The other thing is my daughter. My husband hates the fact that I get along with my ex. We are cordial to each other. My ex hates my husband because he was threatening him and very aggressive to him in the beginning. So much so, he threatened to harm him. Because of this past history, my husband tries to prevent me from ever paying extra child support or fees related to my daughter.

 

My husband has offered to have her live with us full time .. Which of course my ex doesn't want. So, when my ex has to travel for work (during his normal custody time) he will ask me if I want to take care of my daughter. My husband blows up and resists. Says he won't make my ex's life easier. "F him". It makes it awkward because my daughter begs that my husband never come to volleyball games or even her bday party, because she knows how much hate there between them.

 

I always want my daughter with me... Which my husband doesn't mind... But he does when it somehow helps my ex juggle his work etc.

 

In fact, my husband has even suggested we hide some of my income... To trick my ex (and the court) into believing I have no money to pay for child support.

 

It is very difficult, because when I tell him no... Or that it's wrong... He will accuse me of still having feelings for my ex, since I am trying to help. But, "help" is really only me wanting to do what's right.

 

By now, you must have realised that you did absolutely nothing wrong, and that, furthermore, practically everyone has pointed out to you that the marriage you are in, is seriously dysfunctional, toxic, emotionally destructive and that your H is.. well, speechless here, beyond description, if I'm honest.

 

All this said, hopefully we have at least managed to convince you that this is one thing you really should extricate yourself from as quickly and cleanly as you can.

Could one ask what you think?

What do you want to do?

 

In my opinion, I would get myself out of that environment, with what I could carry, no matter what I left behind.

 

I will say that when I divorced my ex- I left a huge amount of 'stuff' behind. And I lost a whole lot more, for good.

 

They're just 'things'.

I know it's hard to accept, but please believe me when I tell you: Things are far less important than you are.

Even if it means grabbing my passport, birth certificate and marriage certificate, and nothing else - I'd get myself out of the predicament you're in now.

[shootingfromhip]

When we were arguing the other night and I began to ask where the money I contribute monthly has gone...he went bananas and said I was accusing him of being a thief. I told him that was simply not the case, but from the tallies I take in my head... I should have far more surplus...than what I've spent.

 

So he said fine, I'll write you a check for the money you haven't spent in the past 6 months and we can split accounts etc. I said great! Let's do that. Immediately, I saw he was going to "charge" me for any visits we have gone on with my daughter. He had notated our spending at dinners etc ..when we have paid for her meals or movie.

 

He was going to take out gas money I've spent in the past ..going to her games etc.

 

I asked him why! He said that's what any attorney would advise his client. I said so now you are living in preparation for a divorce??? He said he was just being wise.

 

So you ask what do I want? At that moment, I ran for the door. I said I was leaving. He told me I couldn't because both of our cars are in his name...he bought both just before we married. (I pay car payment but loan is in his name). I realized that even though I pay the payment, he wouldn't put my name on the title with him.

 

It is scary when I think of how trapped I really am. However, he doesn't know this...but I think I'm about to get a very good job offer this week from my old employer. My husband would not like me taking the job because it would involve some daily travel. But, it would be my ticket out of the marriage.

 

 

By now, you must have realised that you did absolutely nothing wrong, and that, furthermore, practically everyone has pointed out to you that the marriage you are in, is seriously dysfunctional, toxic, emotionally destructive and that your H is.. well, speechless here, beyond description, if I'm honest.

 

All this said, hopefully we have at least managed to convince you that this is one thing you really should extricate yourself from as quickly and cleanly as you can.

Could one ask what you think?

What do you want to do?

 

In my opinion, I would get myself out of that environment, with what I could carry, no matter what I left behind.

 

I will say that when I divorced my ex- I left a huge amount of 'stuff' behind. And I lost a whole lot more, for good.

 

They're just 'things'.

I know it's hard to accept, but please believe me when I tell you: Things are far less important than you are.

Even if it means grabbing my passport, birth certificate and marriage certificate, and nothing else - I'd get myself out of the predicament you're in now.

[TaraMaiden2]

Like I said: Take whatever you can.

Financial loss really isn't your worst problem right now.

 

And take that job, too.

[Lois_Griffin]

When we were arguing the other night and I began to ask where the money I contribute monthly has gone...he went bananas and said I was accusing him of being a thief. I told him that was simply not the case, but from the tallies I take in my head... I should have far more surplus...than what I've spent.

 

So he said fine, I'll write you a check for the money you haven't spent in the past 6 months and we can split accounts etc. I said great! Let's do that. Immediately, I saw he was going to "charge" me for any visits we have gone on with my daughter. He had notated our spending at dinners etc ..when we have paid for her meals or movie.

 

He was going to take out gas money I've spent in the past ..going to her games etc.

 

I asked him why! He said that's what any attorney would advise his client. I said so now you are living in preparation for a divorce??? He said he was just being wise.

 

So you ask what do I want? At that moment, I ran for the door. I said I was leaving. He told me I couldn't because both of our cars are in his name...he bought both just before we married. (I pay car payment but loan is in his name). I realized that even though I pay the payment, he wouldn't put my name on the title with him.

 

It is scary when I think of how trapped I really am. However, he doesn't know this...but I think I'm about to get a very good job offer this week from my old employer. My husband would not like me taking the job because it would involve some daily travel. But, it would be my ticket out of the marriage.

You're not a victim. You're a volunteer.

 

Any reason why you don't have custody of your own daughter? Would that also be something Mr. Three-Times-Married engineered?

 

Whoever recommended up-thread that that you stay with this abusive, controlling jack-ass gave you the worst advice in this thread.

[shootingfromhip]

The reason I don't have full custody is because my husband's house (where I moved to) is outside of my daughter's school district. So I SHARE custody, but when I go to her games ... school meetings... Etc...It is a further drive and that's why he is complaining about my travel so much.

 

He doesn't like that once or twice a week .. I go and pick her up from school and have dinner with her. He says he understands, but it is hard for him to deal with because he misses me so much.

 

But, he wanted to charge me (with my money) for traveling to see my daughter...when in reality... I have to make these trips because I moved into his house.

 

 

 

You're not a victim. You're a volunteer.

 

Any reason why you don't have custody of your own daughter? Would that also be something Mr. Three-Times-Married engineered?

 

Whoever recommended up-thread that that you stay with this abusive, controlling jack-ass gave you the worst advice in this thread.

Edited October 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[TaraMaiden2]

shootingfromthehip I would say that Lois' post may sound harsh, but I kind of see where she's coming from when she states you're a 'volunteer'.

 

If you can't honestly see just how bad this is, and we need to point it out for you, then yes, you're a victim.

But you DID figure all this out for yourself.

You KNOW how bad this is.

You just sought confirmation, not clarity.

 

So in a sense, while you are still there, yes, you are 'volunteering' to continue being abused like this.

 

I suggested earlier you just get out, the moment you can.

I stand by that advice.

In fact, I'll see you and raise you.

 

Confide in your ex, seek a lawyer, do something, but get active.

At the next immediate available opportunity, get any documentation you need to have with you, pack a bag, and get out of there.

Go to a family member, and seek refuge and shelter there, for the time being.

 

But DO SOMETHING.

[autumnnight]

I'm going to be playing a bit of Devil's Advocate here, but I do have some issues with this situation. First, I do not agree with your husband's behavior. I think he's definitely taking things too far. However, while I don't agree with his behavior, I think I can see what his issue is. That is, the stuff you say just doesn't seem happen. You say you were going to get your check at the meeting....but you don't. You have an appointment for 3:15, and your husband knows you won't be on time (thus making me think this is a frequent problem of yours) and despite your numerous assurances that you will be on time...you are late. From where I am, I can see why he doesn't trust you. This guy knew you were going to be late, you assured him you would not be, but you ended up being late after all. He has no reason to trust you, especially if I am right about the frequency of this sort of thing. If I tell my GF I will be home by 315 to take care of something, I will be home by 300, just to make sure. Obviously, sometimes things go awry, but I am reliable enough, and honest enough that she knows better than to doubt me. That would be a losing bet.

 

If you want to save your marriage, be reliable. Quit making claims that you can not, or will not back up. Your husband has his own issues, and he obviously needs to work on them as well.

1. She did not promise a check. She said she hoped to get it

 

2. She left so she COULD be on time. She cannot control traffic

 

She is not unreliable. He is unreasonable

[William]

Folks let's stay focused on the thread starter's topic and agree that all opinion offered here within our guidelines of discussion is valid, even if it seems ridiculous to you from your perspective. Why? Read our guidelines. It says exactly that. Now, back to the topic.

[S2B]

You've given us more evidence of why you should leave.

 

Do you have a plan? Can you implement that plan today?

 

 

Yes, take the job. Can you leave without a car? Can you borrow someone's car until you can get a new one?

 

I agree with the poster saying you are a volunteer. I volunteered for the same role for more than 20 years - because I stayed when I should have left the marriage. I had a choice but opted to try and change him...which doesn't work.

 

 

It stole my happiness and my soul staying in that marriage.

 

 

I was willing to forfeit all my 'things' in order to get out. It had literally sucked the life out of me. I was a shadow of who I used to be. I had forfeited the real me for who he expected me to be.

 

 

You can't change someone like this. Best to get far away and be grateful your still alive and capable of finding a new way to be happy.

[shootingfromhip]

I've been thinking so hard today about this. I was abused as a child, as someone mentioned here as a possibility.

 

I am treated very poorly by my husband, but many times he treats me like his queen. He says he does everything for me and I see him do just that. But, it has to be under his control. When I appear very happy and grateful for whatever he has chosen for us, he's so happy. But if I appear in anyway concerned about something ...he immediately thinks it is about him and he starts probing. "You don't love me anymore, I can see it on your face". I will say i DO love you. He will respond back angrily. No. You obviously don't. I see something in your eyes. You are not smiling all day like you did when we first met. I've let you down??

You don't want me anymore? No matter how many times I say he's wrong... His insecurity screams out.

 

It's hard. I do love him. And I do still "want" him. But, he is so mean when I'm not under his watch. Texting. Calling. Pelting me with constant questions.

 

I did get that job offer today. It is from my old employer. I told my husband my old boss (male) wanted to have coffee with me to see if I could do part time work from home. (It's actually full time with my old salary back). He was most upset that I was going to be meeting a man alone. My boss! And he kept insisting that he come along!

 

Obviously I didn't take him. But he was very nervous and when I returned he asked me how many times I flirted with this man. I said I didn't! He said I don't believe that.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm actually just quietly waiting for the post that states -

I've been thinking so hard today about this. So finally, I did it. I contacted a lawyer, have filed for divorce, and have moved out. My job is great, and I'm independent,and I'm never going back to that hell called 'married to him'.

 

No, not a real post by the OP - but I can't wait until it is.....

[shootingfromhip]

I think I am just left wondering...how did you get to that place where you KNEW you HAD to leave? I get angry and prepared to leave and then I lose my nerve.

 

I know it took a long time for you to get that desperate...but what was it that changed for you?

[TaraMaiden2]

I think I am just left wondering...how did you get to that place where you KNEW you HAD to leave? I get angry and prepared to leave and then I lose my nerve.

This is what you have to examine.

Why you lose your nerve.

What is it you're afraid of?

Not coping?

Being defenceless?

Losing everything?

What exactly makes you lose your nerve?

 

Is it a "what if....?" question?

"What if... this happens? Or that? or the other?"

 

Where does the nerve go?

 

I know it took a long time for you to get that desperate...but what was it that changed for you?

To whom are you posing this question...?

[trippi1432]

I think I am just left wondering...how did you get to that place where you KNEW you HAD to leave? I get angry and prepared to leave and then I lose my nerve.

 

I know it took a long time for you to get that desperate...but what was it that changed for you?

 

Going to reply as if this is an open-ended question to anyone.

 

What changed for me, in my situation Shootingfromhip, was ME. Plain and simple. I didn't walk out on him, he walked out on me, several times. He even once told our own 7 year old son that if he ever left, it would be our children's fault. I saw all the issues, I also lost any ounce of respect I ever had for this man for his blameshifting, irresponsibility, controlling ways, screaming and yelling at me over the phone and leaving all parenting up to me.

 

What changed is the fact is that ^^^^^ is not a healthy, loving relationship where two adults respect and care for each other. And, as a side note, being separated and divorced for almost 6 years now I've never had a relationship with another man who ever acted like this or resorted to that type of behavior.

 

What changed is my self-respect for ME. Once you have that, you invite healthy people into your life and they like being there.

[autumnnight]

Let me preface this by saying that the issues in my marriage were not a controlling, angry, threatening, abusive spouse like yours. BUT I do think that finding that courage and flipping that internal switch that gives you the courage to leave has similar aspects.

 

For me, first, I realized my own value. Second, I opened my eyes to the fact that what I was living in was NOT normal, was NOT to be expected, was NOT right and, saldy, was not going to change. Because he was never going to change.

 

And the pain of continuing to to live in such soul-killing emptiness outweighed the fear of the unknown. At least the unknown had hope.

 

I made a plan, I executed the plan, and I made myself stick to it when I felt weak.

 

It was very icky for a while.

 

And it was infinitely worth it.

[shootingfromhip]

I feel the sense of being dead inside. It hurts badly but it's just flat pain now.

 

I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. This weekend I felt it strongly. We were with my daughter. He was very jealous of the time with her. She was not always nice to him, which I reprimand her for. But I can see she gets angry. I always get up early and take her for donuts. Usually just me and her. Today my husband wanted to go along. I told him that it is usually "our thing". He accused me of meeting my ex there and trying to hide it. So I said. Fine ... Come along.

 

So she became angry. At the end of the visit she muttered under her breathe... I hope this is the last time I see him for a weekend. My husband jumped down her throat and said "who told you that was a possibility? Your mommy?" (He senses I'm up to something)

 

I immediately jumped in and told him that was not appropriate. I then asked my daughter to apologize. She did. But, I can sense this is a real mess for her ... It hurt me terribly.

 

My husband was livid. He accused me of telling my daughter secrets. He then said he knew I was up to something.

 

Earlier in the weekend I was telling her (quietly) what was right and what was wrong because my husband was referring to my ex's cop friend as a "stupid cop who has nothing on my father...who is a federal judge".

 

I asked out loud there in front of both that we don't refer to anyone ..cops included.. As stupid. My husband said well in this case...the guy is stupid.

 

This is just so bad for my daughter. I need to get the strength.

[TaraMaiden2]

I feel the sense of being dead inside. It hurts badly but it's just flat pain now.

 

I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. This weekend I felt it strongly. We were with my daughter. He was very jealous of the time with her. She was not always nice to him, which I reprimand her for. But I can see she gets angry. I always get up early and take her for donuts. Usually just me and her. Today my husband wanted to go along. I told him that it is usually "our thing". He accused me of meeting my ex there and trying to hide it. So I said. Fine ... Come along.

 

So she became angry. At the end of the visit she muttered under her breathe... I hope this is the last time I see him for a weekend. My husband jumped down her throat and said "who told you that was a possibility? Your mommy?" (He senses I'm up to something)

 

I immediately jumped in and told him that was not appropriate. I then asked my daughter to apologize. She did. But, I can sense this is a real mess for her ... It hurt me terribly.

 

My husband was livid. He accused me of telling my daughter secrets. He then said he knew I was up to something.

 

Earlier in the weekend I was telling her (quietly) what was right and what was wrong because my husband was referring to my ex's cop friend as a "stupid cop who has nothing on my father...who is a federal judge".

 

I asked out loud there in front of both that we don't refer to anyone ..cops included.. As stupid. My husband said well in this case...the guy is stupid.

 

This is just so bad for my daughter. I need to get the strength.

 

Isn't the fact that your daughter is so badly affected by this, enough impetus?

the longer you hesitate, the more you expose her to this senseless vitriol, the more you damage her, and the more you colour her poor opinion of you.

Because believe me, the more you tolerate this, the less value she will place upon you.

 

Your hesitation is creating a dysfunctional future for her.