Thanks everyone, I am done.

[ZA Dater]

Thats why people have homes that have different floor levels... Simple solution.

 

Well thats your opinion of yourself and if that is who you want to be then please carry on because after a while (a short while) this self pitying gets tedious. If this is what it would be like being in a relationship with you I can see why women are running for the hills even if you do look like some greek god...

 

We keep telling you how to change your perspective and attitude. We keep trying to help you. Do you know beating your head against a brick wall burns around 150 calories an hour? Right now I am thinking that would be far more productive.

 

Carry on like this ZA and you will find yourself a 40 or 50yr old virgin...

 

 

Greek god, definitely not.

 

 

How do I change my perspective, people keep telling me the same thing and I keep asking the same question but to date I have nothing concrete suggested.

 

 

"You must be confident and positive"

 

 

Yes sure, but HOW!

 

 

What people don't seem to understand is confidence is directly related to success, you CANNOT be confident in something if you have never had any success at it. Its like entering a marathon and expecting to finish in the top 10, you simply cant carry that level of confidence but if you run one and finish then you can say ok I did ok and I will try improve my time.

 

 

Tell me how I do same with dating? Please I am all ears, do I date people who repulse me in the hope I gain something from it?

 

 

Do I pay people to have dates with me?

 

 

Do I let friends try set me up with people I have zero in common with?

 

 

I spent years and year studying and you know what throughout that I could map my progress the harder I worked at something the better I became at it. I spent 10 years working at dating and you know what I am no better now than when I started if anything my level of opportunity has dropped by at least 50% because now I find myself in the demographic of 30 something with kids.

 

 

With the greatest respect I am told to do many things, I spent big on clothing, most of which I don't even like because people told me "oh ladies like guys who wear that", this isn't being negative its being honest. For the most part I feel terrible wearing most of this stuff but I do to try and appease other and make myself appear "more attractive" whatever that means, attractive to who exactly?

 

 

I find people I like, can communicate properly with, I present Mr positive and its still not enough. I am left throwing my hands up in utter frustration, I try improve but how, what and where?

 

 

I am just highly irritated at the whole scene. Jocks, they sleep around, booze around and yet they never have a problem but here I am a nice genuine, loyal hones guy and I cant even get something really average looking. How do you think that makes me feel, certainly not confident and positive that I can tell you.

 

 

We feel what our circumstances show us, how did I feel when I had K come to a dinner with me, fantastic I can tell you that much, felt really good for the first time to go out with someone I really liked and that dinner was the best I had ever had, everything worked. It wasn't about how she looked which was pretty, or how she spoke it was the fact she took an interest in ME and I dropped my usual shy persona.

 

 

Likewise when all I attract on Tinder is terrible looking, how does that make me feel, despondent and hopeless, those are human reactions, you cant expect me to radiate positivity from an experience like that.

 

 

How do I feel when I write a fantastic article, I feel pretty good I tell you, why because it worked, I read it , others read it and they liked it.

 

 

There are a few guys on here who walk in the same shoes as I do, ask them how they feel every day when everyone around them has gf's, ask them how they like being alone and I sure they will say the same as me, I guess we are all just "negative" and that's the reason none of us get anywhere but did you ever consider WHY we are negative/pragmatic/honest.

[ZA Dater]

Honestly, I think the thing that you need to "pretend" is that you like other people. My sense is that mostly you look down on them. That's certainly the sense I get from your posts here. You veil that in this "nobody likes me" talk, but what you really mean is that you don't like anybody. Well, hardly anybody.

 

THAT is a turnoff. What Toodaloo is saying about a positive attitude is directly related to my point as well: People respond positively to positives and negatively to negatives. You're so damn focused on what people think of you that you don't realize that you are very likely projecting all kinds of dislike out there, and THAT is what they are responding to.

 

Rethink your superior attitude. That's my advice to you. Look deeper, and be less shallow. You seem to assume an awful lot about people, and you use that as fuel to decide they're not interesting or smart enough for you. Well, look deeper, and find things to like rather than dislike. Just as an exercise at first, perhaps. No one's saying you have to marry a person you go on a date with. But at least try spending that date -- even if it's not a love match!!!1!! -- focusing on pleasant things, and see where that takes you.

 

That's true I have a very set list of likes and I am allowed to have that, as is any person who walks this earth.

 

 

Shallow, I couldn't be more humble if I tried! I have been on dates, in fact most were with obese people, simply because I couldn't ever attract a slim athletic person, the one I did go on a date with I paid to go on a date with me. How can I be shallow when I put a premium on intelligence and personality?

 

 

I have tried going on dates with people and trying to find something I like but if people cant engage any meaningful intelligent conversation then my interest is gone almost instantly. I suppose I am wrong to do that, I must simply try and talk on the same level in the hope things become more interesting?

 

 

I cant assume things about people but they are allowed to dismiss me on an assumption like a person swatting a fly? Reeks of double standards to me.

[WomenWubber]

No thanks.

 

Why not? Would you rather accept you cannot get a gf without trying everything?

[ZA Dater]

Why not? Would you rather accept you cannot get a gf without trying everything?

 

I would rather accept that.

[WomenWubber]

I would rather accept that.

 

Yeah right, "accept".

 

You will have a hard time doing just that. You may never be able to completely delude yourself from the truth. There may come a moment in life where you realize things could have turned out to be different, if only you hadn't had been so set in your ways and actually tried a little bit harder.

 

But don't mind me or anyone else. Keep doing your thing and see where it takes you.

[Imajerk17]

Greek god, definitely not.

 

 

How do I change my perspective, people keep telling me the same thing and I keep asking the same question but to date I have nothing concrete suggested.

 

 

"You must be confident and positive"

 

 

Yes sure, but HOW!

 

 

What people don't seem to understand is confidence is directly related to success, you CANNOT be confident in something if you have never had any success at it. Its like entering a marathon and expecting to finish in the top 10, you simply cant carry that level of confidence but if you run one and finish then you can say ok I did ok and I will try improve my time.

 

 

Tell me how I do same with dating? Please I am all ears, do I date people who repulse me in the hope I gain something from it?

 

 

Do I pay people to have dates with me?

 

 

Do I let friends try set me up with people I have zero in common with?

 

 

I spent years and year studying and you know what throughout that I could map my progress the harder I worked at something the better I became at it. I spent 10 years working at dating and you know what I am no better now than when I started if anything my level of opportunity has dropped by at least 50% because now I find myself in the demographic of 30 something with kids.

 

 

With the greatest respect I am told to do many things, I spent big on clothing, most of which I don't even like because people told me "oh ladies like guys who wear that", this isn't being negative its being honest. For the most part I feel terrible wearing most of this stuff but I do to try and appease other and make myself appear "more attractive" whatever that means, attractive to who exactly?

 

 

I find people I like, can communicate properly with, I present Mr positive and its still not enough. I am left throwing my hands up in utter frustration, I try improve but how, what and where?

 

 

I am just highly irritated at the whole scene. Jocks, they sleep around, booze around and yet they never have a problem but here I am a nice genuine, loyal hones guy and I cant even get something really average looking. How do you think that makes me feel, certainly not confident and positive that I can tell you.

 

 

We feel what our circumstances show us, how did I feel when I had K come to a dinner with me, fantastic I can tell you that much, felt really good for the first time to go out with someone I really liked and that dinner was the best I had ever had, everything worked. It wasn't about how she looked which was pretty, or how she spoke it was the fact she took an interest in ME and I dropped my usual shy persona.

 

 

Likewise when all I attract on Tinder is terrible looking, how does that make me feel, despondent and hopeless, those are human reactions, you cant expect me to radiate positivity from an experience like that.

 

 

How do I feel when I write a fantastic article, I feel pretty good I tell you, why because it worked, I read it , others read it and they liked it.

 

 

There are a few guys on here who walk in the same shoes as I do, ask them how they feel every day when everyone around them has gf's, ask them how they like being alone and I sure they will say the same as me, I guess we are all just "negative" and that's the reason none of us get anywhere but did you ever consider WHY we are negative/pragmatic/honest.

 

 

1. You may not really be nearly as nice and genuine as you think you are. See bolded. You have also made abrasive comments putting down older women, single moms, some of whom are posters who came on here and wrote you helpful posts to give you advice. At any rate, it would do you good to become more aware of others.

 

2. You got some specific suggestions already, but you're too busy wallowing in self-pity to see them. Oh well. Here are they, repeated:

 

(a) Put yourself in places where you are more likely to meet like-minded women--CrossFit, triathlon training groups, travel, and so on.

 

(b) Try to find the good and interesting in other people, and they will do likewise to find what is good and interesting about you. Someone who knows how to have a good time just might be the person to help you loosen up and have fun, even if that person isn't "well-read".

 

© Learn how to flirt and banter. There are several posts bringing this up in this very thread.

 

(d) Get off Tinder and get on Match, where you will find women more relationship-minded as opposed to the more party-oriented girls of Tinder.

 

(e) Get a dating coach.

 

(f) Make it a point to NOT complain for a week straight, at least when it comes to your dating. Here is one place you can start: You were given the above suggestions before, and you said we didn't give you any.

Edited October 15, 2015 by Imajerk17

[HeartDesires]

Your beliefs that you are not date worthy are thoughts that have been imprinted into your subconscious.

 

Thoughts become things, choose the good ones.

[ghsmith71]

I'm overweight and I've exclusively dated overweight girls and the overweight girls are the best at sex.

[ZA Dater]

1. You may not really be nearly as nice and genuine as you think you are. See bolded. You have also made abrasive comments putting down older women, single moms, some of whom are posters who came on here and wrote you helpful posts to give you advice. At any rate, it would do you good to become more aware of others.

 

2. You got some specific suggestions already, but you're too busy wallowing in self-pity to see them. Oh well. Here are they, repeated:

 

(a) Put yourself in places where you are more likely to meet like-minded women--CrossFit, triathlon training groups, travel, and so on.

 

(b) Try to find the good and interesting in other people, and they will do likewise to find what is good and interesting about you. Someone who knows how to have a good time just might be the person to help you loosen up and have fun, even if that person isn't "well-read".

 

© Learn how to flirt and banter. There are several posts bringing this up in this very thread.

 

(d) Get off Tinder and get on Match, where you will find women more relationship-minded as opposed to the more party-oriented girls of Tinder.

 

(e) Get a dating coach.

 

(f) Make it a point to NOT complain for a week straight, at least when it comes to your dating. Here is one place you can start: You were given the above suggestions before, and you said we didn't give you any.

 

Thank you for the suggestions.

 

B) I wont comment because in my opinion based on my own experienced that's utter nonsense but perhaps your experiences have been different to my own.

 

D) I have been on around 7 different dating sites.

 

Its actually fine, I decided yesterday I am wholly and totally unsuited for whatever it is dating demands and its frankly better for me to just walk away from the concept in its entirety.

 

The stress it causes me and the anxiety it gives me are frankly not worth the total lack of reward I get. As always I wish everyone else well in their endeavour to find that special person, I hope you all find what you are looking for but for me objectively the amount of heartache and rejection have just reach levels where I cant justify spending any time doing the same thing which yields the same predictable results.

 

At least now I can get rid of this hairstyle I don't like and go back to wearing clothes I like and feel comfortable in, as apposed to trying to weat and look what I am told people find attractive.

 

I have always said when you reach a point where you can do no more then its time to walk away, yes the advice here is useful but its not for me, unfortunately I am not that guy who talks to random people, I stick to myself and pretty much exist in each day, I have my own targets and ambitions and the hardest thing one can do is to give up on one of those.

 

I had a few bucket list moments

: had a fantastic "date" for an event, always wanted that

: took an absolutely stunning model like lady to coffee, sure she was a student and I had to pay her but the experience was as good as I could imagine.

: spent time with someone who actually "got" me and stimulated my mind.

 

Could I have done better, unquestionably but somewhere sometime my standard of what I like got created which unfortunately is as about as far from reality is what Mars is from earth, what I like and what I can actually get are polar opposites and that hurts, almost continuously.

 

Also somewhere sometime I mind set was created whereby for me one needs to look to be better each time, so in a sense dating to me should be about raising the bar, not lowering it.

 

Lastly I am accused of being negative, if that's the case I accept that, I frequently get told this but that is who I am, I cant change how I think, I look at the realistic point of view which is construed as being negative. That's unfortunate.

 

I don't want to chase a shop assistant, suddenly because I have no interest I am being negative. Doesn't compute.

 

Thank you everyone and may you all have "Labella vita"

[lino]

Definitely ditch the clothes and hairstyle you don't like, as I've told you before.

 

Can you afford to go on a holiday right now ZA Dater? If so, I'd think that'll do you some good right now, especially to a place that is very culturally different to your country.

 

I think that'll help you a lot more than posting here.

 

Have you ever tried to surf? May seem like a way out suggestion but it's something that literally is life changing and requires no one else's input. I think I once saw you say you live in Cape Town, probably some decent breaks there yeah?

 

Anyways just something more constructive than the generally useless 'be confident'

 

 

 

I actually think when people say stuff like this, it is attractive.

 

Like if I met a woman and she said "I don't think I'm that attractive, not too many guys like me." I would think it is very attractive. It implies groundedness and humility, and also I might assume I don't have to fight off 30 other men to get a date.

 

If I met a woman and she said something like "I'm attractive and a desirable woman." it would be a turn off.

 

But I think I'm probably in the 5% minority with something like this. I had a thread about this before if I recall and most people think self-deprecating behavior is unattractive.

 

Just watch it guess. Make sure it's not too obvious.

 

 

Women's minds don't work like this. The more women they see they potentially have to fight off of their man, the more they desire said man.

 

It is precisely why the supposed double standard of sleeping around exists. Women want men who are wanted by many other women. Men want the opposite of that.

[ZA Dater]

Definitely ditch the clothes and hairstyle you don't like, as I've told you before.

 

Can you afford to go on a holiday right now ZA Dater? If so, I'd think that'll do you some good right now, especially to a place that is very culturally different to your country.

 

I think that'll help you a lot more than posting here.

 

Have you ever tried to surf? May seem like a way out suggestion but it's something that literally is life changing and requires no one else's input. I think I once saw you say you live in Cape Town, probably some decent breaks there yeah?

 

Anyways just something more constructive than the generally useless 'be confident'

 

 

 

 

 

 

Women's minds don't work like this. The more women they see they potentially have to fight off of their man, the more they desire said man.

 

It is precisely why the supposed double standard of sleeping around exists. Women want men who are wanted by many other women. Men want the opposite of that.

 

I spend quite a lot of time at the beach over weekend I body surf and yes there are some decent breaks here. Love the sea and the unstoppable nature of it.

 

Sure, I can go on a holiday but I frankly don't have the time with the commitments I have. Besides the idea of going on holiday on my own isn't a pleasant one at all.

 

SA is a total curry pot of cultures, huge amount of tourists, particularly here in Cape Town and if I was the experienced guy looking for a one night stand I am sure I could find one reasonably easily, if I tried.

 

Reality is I guess I'd rather just keep myself going on the very few nice memories of when I did try to date than to go out and just get faced with continuous "you aren't good enough", "you are too negative" "girls like this" "guys must do that" "be her friend she has friends". I think they call this deluding yourself!

[Toodaloo]

ZA.

 

Do me a favour.

 

For 1 week. Just one week. Do the following

 

Each morning when you wake up look yourself in the mirror smile at yourself and tell yourself it is going to be a great day today.

 

Do not complain, winge or moan about anything for one week. If something comes up that upsets you or annoys you think to yourself this is annoying, what can I do to change it. Smile and implement the changes as fits. If you can't change it, smile and shrug.

 

For one week, smile and say hello to as many people as you can. Be it on the street, at work, while you go about daily activities etc. Smile and say hello to everyone you possibly can.

 

Three small things ZA that have sod all to do with dating and women. See if you can get through a day... But a week would be better.

[serial muse]

That's true I have a very set list of likes and I am allowed to have that, as is any person who walks this earth.

 

 

Shallow, I couldn't be more humble if I tried! I have been on dates, in fact most were with obese people, simply because I couldn't ever attract a slim athletic person, the one I did go on a date with I paid to go on a date with me. How can I be shallow when I put a premium on intelligence and personality?

 

 

I have tried going on dates with people and trying to find something I like but if people cant engage any meaningful intelligent conversation then my interest is gone almost instantly. I suppose I am wrong to do that, I must simply try and talk on the same level in the hope things become more interesting?

 

 

I cant assume things about people but they are allowed to dismiss me on an assumption like a person swatting a fly? Reeks of double standards to me.

 

Ugh, STOP. Too much. It's not a double standard if you're putting words in my mouth. Where oh where did I say others "are allowed to dismiss you on an assumption like a person swatting a fly"? I assure you that no such thing would ever be typed by the likes of me. In part because it's melodramatic, and in part because I'm quite sure it didn't happen. This sounds like more of the same "nobody will date me" -- except for most of the world, whom I don't want to date because they're dumb, of course.

 

As for these assumptions, you're possibly referring to the drinking thing, I suppose, and honestly if a woman perceives herself as somewhat "wild" then I'd say she's remarkably astute for sizing you up so well, because you've made it quite clear that's not what you want. So I don't know what there even is to complain about there.

 

You DO have the option of changing your outlook, and NO it's not realistic. But you're being stubborn about it, and you are your own worst enemy here. No one can help you unless you'll help yourself, and yes it's a platitude but it also has the virtue of being true.

 

I wish there were another way to help, but there isn't. You have to do the work. The work does not necessarily involve changing a hairstyle or clothing style. I daresay that if you looked as uncomfortable in your new getup as you suggest you felt, that came across and negated any positives anyway. But the work you'd need to do is within. Someone says that to you, and you hear "I have to change who I am". NO. That is a deliberate misconstruction of the point. You can change your perceptions, but the truth is I think that you rather like seeing yourself as rarefied, and have rather a lot invested in that point of view. I can understand it, given how insecure you also are, but it's only hurting you now.

 

Frankly, I think therapy is your best bet at this point. I think you need a good therapist who you respect. I think you need to devote some time to talking about this superhuman/subhuman complex you've got going on. It's pretty damaging to you. I'm not saying this to be flippant, by the way - I honestly feel it's what you most need, more than a girlfriend, more than a vacation at the beach, more than new friends. I sure hope you're consider it.

[ZA Dater]

ZA.

 

Do me a favour.

 

For 1 week. Just one week. Do the following

 

Each morning when you wake up look yourself in the mirror smile at yourself and tell yourself it is going to be a great day today.

 

Do not complain, winge or moan about anything for one week. If something comes up that upsets you or annoys you think to yourself this is annoying, what can I do to change it. Smile and implement the changes as fits. If you can't change it, smile and shrug.

 

For one week, smile and say hello to as many people as you can. Be it on the street, at work, while you go about daily activities etc. Smile and say hello to everyone you possibly can.

 

Three small things ZA that have sod all to do with dating and women. See if you can get through a day... But a week would be better.

 

Who's to say I am not doing that at the moment? I actually have a fairly consumer based job so I do interact with people.

 

Anything I can change besides who I attract!

 

Seriously I am just going to walk away from dating for good, I have tasted a few bites of how good it can be but mostly the experience has been totally utterly soul destroying. I cant keep putting myself through that, its just better to walk away.

[ZA Dater]

Ugh, STOP. Too much. It's not a double standard if you're putting words in my mouth. Where oh where did I say others "are allowed to dismiss you on an assumption like a person swatting a fly"? I assure you that no such thing would ever be typed by the likes of me. In part because it's melodramatic, and in part because I'm quite sure it didn't happen. This sounds like more of the same "nobody will date me" -- except for most of the world, whom I don't want to date because they're dumb, of course.

 

As for these assumptions, you're possibly referring to the drinking thing, I suppose, and honestly if a woman perceives herself as somewhat "wild" then I'd say she's remarkably astute for sizing you up so well, because you've made it quite clear that's not what you want. So I don't know what there even is to complain about there.

 

You DO have the option of changing your outlook, and NO it's not realistic. But you're being stubborn about it, and you are your own worst enemy here. No one can help you unless you'll help yourself, and yes it's a platitude but it also has the virtue of being true.

 

I wish there were another way to help, but there isn't. You have to do the work. The work does not necessarily involve changing a hairstyle or clothing style. I daresay that if you looked as uncomfortable in your new getup as you suggest you felt, that came across and negated any positives anyway. But the work you'd need to do is within. Someone says that to you, and you hear "I have to change who I am". NO. That is a deliberate misconstruction of the point. You can change your perceptions, but the truth is I think that you rather like seeing yourself as rarefied, and have rather a lot invested in that point of view. I can understand it, given how insecure you also are, but it's only hurting you now.

 

Frankly, I think therapy is your best bet at this point. I think you need a good therapist who you respect. I think you need to devote some time to talking about this superhuman/subhuman complex you've got going on. It's pretty damaging to you. I'm not saying this to be flippant, by the way - I honestly feel it's what you most need, more than a girlfriend, more than a vacation at the beach, more than new friends. I sure hope you're consider it.

 

Your perception of me is wide of the mark.

 

Actually I am quite upfront that I am totally ordinary, never do I ever portray myself as being any better than anyone else, hell perhaps the real problem is there is nothing wow enough about me to attract anyone, I don't honestly know.

 

There must be a reason I am deemed unattractive.

 

As for therapy, I'd rather donate money to a homeless shelter, it'd be more beneficial.

 

I am perfectly comfortable in my own skin, happy with my shaved number 4 hair style yet people say I need long hair, new clothes and I don't understand why? Do those things really matter so much?

 

As I say I am done with even attempting to date, its something other people can enjoy, I'll find something else to keep busy with.

[ZA Dater]

Ugh, STOP. Too much. It's not a double standard if you're putting words in my mouth. Where oh where did I say others "are allowed to dismiss you on an assumption like a person swatting a fly"? I assure you that no such thing would ever be typed by the likes of me. In part because it's melodramatic, and in part because I'm quite sure it didn't happen. This sounds like more of the same "nobody will date me" -- except for most of the world, whom I don't want to date because they're dumb, of course.

 

As for these assumptions, you're possibly referring to the drinking thing, I suppose, and honestly if a woman perceives herself as somewhat "wild" then I'd say she's remarkably astute for sizing you up so well, because you've made it quite clear that's not what you want. So I don't know what there even is to complain about there.

 

You DO have the option of changing your outlook, and NO it's not realistic. But you're being stubborn about it, and you are your own worst enemy here. No one can help you unless you'll help yourself, and yes it's a platitude but it also has the virtue of being true.

 

I wish there were another way to help, but there isn't. You have to do the work. The work does not necessarily involve changing a hairstyle or clothing style. I daresay that if you looked as uncomfortable in your new getup as you suggest you felt, that came across and negated any positives anyway. But the work you'd need to do is within. Someone says that to you, and you hear "I have to change who I am". NO. That is a deliberate misconstruction of the point. You can change your perceptions, but the truth is I think that you rather like seeing yourself as rarefied, and have rather a lot invested in that point of view. I can understand it, given how insecure you also are, but it's only hurting you now.

 

Frankly, I think therapy is your best bet at this point. I think you need a good therapist who you respect. I think you need to devote some time to talking about this superhuman/subhuman complex you've got going on. It's pretty damaging to you. I'm not saying this to be flippant, by the way - I honestly feel it's what you most need, more than a girlfriend, more than a vacation at the beach, more than new friends. I sure hope you're consider it.

 

As I said, if one wants something then one needs to compete for it, fine enough if one actually wants to compete to begin with. Everything I do I weigh up the odds before I start.

 

Would I like to date this K lady, course I would, would I be able to actually date her, definitely not, even she had nobody, no prospects I wasn't even good enough at that point which says a lot about me and how I apparently come across. Is there an issue, clearly there is. I don't dispute that for a minute.

 

Do I wish I was one of those cool super confident guys, sure. Do I have the personality traits to be one of those guys, no I don't. Throughout my life all people have done is bring me down, compliments, I never get them ever.

 

For years I invested energy into trying to be the best I could to lay a foundation to actually go out and wow someone, when I did decide to go and try I quickly realised what I thought was good was not what people want, a fact smashed home at me like a home run at baseball game by the fact I couldn't even get to work with someone who I did get on well with and share much in common with.

 

A large part of what I do is to help people, build them up, give them skills and I do it because I want to, not because I have to.

 

I grew up with few friends, if I ever had more than 3 at one time I cant recall, everything I did, I did on my own. At a young age I took an interest in world affairs, spurned on by a family member I spent time with. I chose not to do to disco's, chose not to drink, chose not to accept the overtures of females in high school because even then I was working to build a foundation to work from when I did want to date.

 

Every single thing I have accomplished was done the hard way, I sat at home and studied a degree via correspondence, no assistance at all. No friends at all either.

 

I never walk away from a challenge, usually I try and work out a way to beat it, I also hate asking things of people, or accepting gifts, I prefer to give gifts than accept them.

 

When it comes to dating, I just cant work it out, really I cant, the more videos I watch, the more I read, the more confusing it becomes, perhaps because I cant find friends I just find it even harder to find a girlfriend. I have spent many nights not being able to sleep because of this.

 

I go on advice I am given by friends but all they do is try and equate their own experiences to me and that doesn't work I don't think, everyone is different. Said friend is also married.

 

People here tell me to look at guys who are successful and learn, good advice, I look at them a just feel like a total failure because everything I built is not what they have or what people want, I misguidedly though ladies liked gentleman, honest, caring, hard working, intelligent, articulate, maybe interesting guys but that doesn't seem to be the case, the guys I know who are successful they are nothing like me at all, brash, socially very popular, happy go lucky, super fit and I cant help but feel massively inferior.

 

Once again the only tangible way I can see to solve this is to admit what I spent 15 years building is essentially rubbish, the character traits I built aren't useful for dating or I be as I am, walk away and do something else to fill this extremely lonely void and the equally large one full of massive disappointment.

[Qboro90]

You say that you voluntarily did not socialize or focus on dating whatsoever during high school and college years because you wanted to devote yourself to your studies and career goals above all else. So if that's the case then you only started looking at dating and socializing after the age of 22. If you're 30 now then you've only spent 8 years half assing trying to navigate women.

 

You held yourself back by not developing these skills early on but that's not something you can change now so there's no need to harp on it. Acting like you've been unsuccessful your whole life and that's why you won't try is however inaccurate and something you can change.

 

You can't say you failed from the ages of 13-22 if you didn't care about dating or girls or socializing in that time anyways.

 

So you're behind the 8 ball when you graduate. Big deal. But have the awareness to know it's going to take you time to catch up and understand how the game of dating works. It seems like a constant circle with you where 1 day you're positive and set on giving the advice given to you here a shot and having a better outlook and then the next day it's "I'm hopeless and this is why I'll never be able to change ..." Coming out .

 

Whether you believe it or not the perception of you is definitely not what you think or believe it is. The "nice, humble, caring, smart" guy that you think of yourself is not what people here can divulge out of your posts and it's surely not what the women you interact with see either. It's a bit ironic how highly you sometimes make yourself and your attributes out to be yet then follow up with constant put downs and self negativity or societies flaws.

 

A dating coach or therapist isn't a bad idea. And I never suggest that to anyone but with all the feedback you've gotten it seems like we/you're in the exact same place you started. When you get sick of that and hit your rock bottom socially then perhaps you'll be willing to take whatever steps necessary to change that. If not then you can ask all the advice you want and then counter it with why that won't work, hasn't worked, or is pointless for the next 30 years of your life.

[Qboro90]

There is a reason why the women you end up on dates with are either uninteresting to you or they find you uninteresting. There's more to the story and unfortunately I think that only getting your perception or your side of things isn't giving the entire picture to those trying to help.

 

I asked for the details of your profile or the actual conversations you have with women and you didn't divulge either and gave general outlines of what goes on. That's a waste of time.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

You say that you voluntarily did not socialize or focus on dating whatsoever during high school and college years because you wanted to devote yourself to your studies and career goals above all else. So if that's the case then you only started looking at dating and socializing after the age of 22. If you're 30 now then you've only spent 8 years half assing trying to navigate women.

 

You held yourself back by not developing these skills early on but that's not something you can change now so there's no need to harp on it. Acting like you've been unsuccessful your whole life and that's why you won't try is however inaccurate and something you can change.

 

You can't say you failed from the ages of 13-22 if you didn't care about dating or girls or socializing in that time anyways.

 

So you're behind the 8 ball when you graduate. Big deal. But have the awareness to know it's going to take you time to catch up and understand how the game of dating works. It seems like a constant circle with you where 1 day you're positive and set on giving the advice given to you here a shot and having a better outlook and then the next day it's "I'm hopeless and this is why I'll never be able to change ..." Coming out .

 

Whether you believe it or not the perception of you is definitely not what you think or believe it is. The "nice, humble, caring, smart" guy that you think of yourself is not what people here can divulge out of your posts and it's surely not what the women you interact with see either. It's a bit ironic how highly you sometimes make yourself and your attributes out to be yet then follow up with constant put downs and self negativity or societies flaws.

 

A dating coach or therapist isn't a bad idea. And I never suggest that to anyone but with all the feedback you've gotten it seems like we/you're in the exact same place you started. When you get sick of that and hit your rock bottom socially then perhaps you'll be willing to take whatever steps necessary to change that. If not then you can ask all the advice you want and then counter it with why that won't work, hasn't worked, or is pointless for the next 30 years of your life.

 

Ya that's rubbing it in hard

[ZA Dater]

You say that you voluntarily did not socialize or focus on dating whatsoever during high school and college years because you wanted to devote yourself to your studies and career goals above all else. So if that's the case then you only started looking at dating and socializing after the age of 22. If you're 30 now then you've only spent 8 years half assing trying to navigate women.

 

You held yourself back by not developing these skills early on but that's not something you can change now so there's no need to harp on it. Acting like you've been unsuccessful your whole life and that's why you won't try is however inaccurate and something you can change.

 

You can't say you failed from the ages of 13-22 if you didn't care about dating or girls or socializing in that time anyways.

 

So you're behind the 8 ball when you graduate. Big deal. But have the awareness to know it's going to take you time to catch up and understand how the game of dating works. It seems like a constant circle with you where 1 day you're positive and set on giving the advice given to you here a shot and having a better outlook and then the next day it's "I'm hopeless and this is why I'll never be able to change ..." Coming out .

 

Whether you believe it or not the perception of you is definitely not what you think or believe it is. The "nice, humble, caring, smart" guy that you think of yourself is not what people here can divulge out of your posts and it's surely not what the women you interact with see either. It's a bit ironic how highly you sometimes make yourself and your attributes out to be yet then follow up with constant put downs and self negativity or societies flaws.

 

A dating coach or therapist isn't a bad idea. And I never suggest that to anyone but with all the feedback you've gotten it seems like we/you're in the exact same place you started. When you get sick of that and hit your rock bottom socially then perhaps you'll be willing to take whatever steps necessary to change that. If not then you can ask all the advice you want and then counter it with why that won't work, hasn't worked, or is pointless for the next 30 years of your life.

 

As I say I am done with the idea of dating and you know what I feel better about it.

 

Objectively its just something I am not cut out to do, someone once said here that some guys simply cant date, at the time I disagreed but actually I think it may well be true. If you don't develop social skills dating is about as hard as flying to the moon. I have some skills (I can sit down with CEO's and the like and feel totally comfortable in my own skin, confident in who I am and what I know), put someone in front of me I like (a rare phenomenon) and I just become an awkward fidgeting social mess, well mostly.

 

Its logical to say, if you don't want to feel a certain way then don't put yourself into the position where you feel that way to begin with.

 

This forum is testament to the fact MANY people battle at dating, the bare stats show MANY MILLIONS never meet anyone and live out their lives as loners, anyone who says otherwise is ignoring bare basic logic.

 

Do I like being perceived as a loner and abnormal, of course not, do I need to embrace it, probably yes. I know what I can do, I know the person I am and I making a conscious decision to rid my life of anything which brings negative vibes, dating being number one on that list.

 

Life is about building people up and honestly I'd be quite happy to rather take any date money and donate it to a worthy cause than wasting it going after something which basically just makes my life a negative horrible mess.

 

If you look at the people here who have given up they all have similarities, none have experienced any degree of success, yet people keep saying be positive and be confident, great ideas to those dispensing the idea, tough for those of us who have had our confidence smashed into the ground after countless rejections.

 

That's my point really, you don't suddenly wake up and decide I am going to be confident today, its built up over time, much like that example of the ski jumper, he builds up confidence after hours of practice. In the dating game, many of us have had the practice but we have fallen each and every time. How confident is that athlete going to be if he crashes every time? Of course he wont be confident.

 

Yes, you can decide to be positive, I agree there. I am quite comfortable dealing with people, yes I am severely jaded when it comes to dating, I don't know how to flirt of be charming so I default to being cordial and friendly, surely not a bad thing.

 

Many things in life start with some sort of acceptance and I must just learn to accept I am incapable of dating. Much like a child must accept he cant have every sweet in the sweet shop. FYI, this isn't being negative its being realistic, K was an amazing experience as were the other two nice ones I spent some small amount of time with, I felt like I could actually play at that level but the reality was I was a junior high pitcher on the field in a major league game and on many levels it felt nice to be able to punch above my weight, I think with a better mind set, better looks, better outlook I could probably play at the level but the desire to actually play there has pretty much gone. I'd need coaching to get there and by that I'd actually need someone to give me a chance to show them who I am, come out of my shell and we all know those stories are reserved for Hollywood and not reality.

 

Thank you everyone.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

This forum is testament to the fact MANY people battle at dating, the bare stats show MANY MILLIONS never meet anyone and live out their lives as loners, anyone who says otherwise is ignoring bare basic logic.

 

Do I like being perceived as a loner and abnormal, of course not, do I need to embrace it, probably yes. I know what I can do, I know the person I am and I making a conscious decision to rid my life of anything which brings negative vibes, dating being number one on that list.

 

 

It's tough because society programs us that we must be liked by others in order to be 'happy'. If we're not popular then there's something wrong with us.

 

The truth is I know some really good guys that I work with or through the years who don't really have any/many friends or women for years if ever. I actually think they are pretty happy and content.

 

Anyway, I think everybody can be funny and interesting. Everybody has their life story to tell, and I'm usually the one who will listen to everybody. Not that everybody wants to listen to me, but hey. I've always rooted for the underdog.

 

It's funny but I think this is the one area where it is an advantage to be a man. Men can be kinda loners and without friends, and a mate or family, and still kind of do their things and be happy.

 

I think there's a lot more pressure on women OTOH to be if not married and with a family, at least married. I think a lot of women feel that pressure and feel like they need to keep their social calendar full if they are still single and older.

 

I really believe that the mold/competition that society creates takes people away from what could be a happier/more fulfilling life.

Edited October 18, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[lino]

I spend quite a lot of time at the beach over weekend I body surf and yes there are some decent breaks here. Love the sea and the unstoppable nature of it.

 

Sure, I can go on a holiday but I frankly don't have the time with the commitments I have. Besides the idea of going on holiday on my own isn't a pleasant one at all.

 

SA is a total curry pot of cultures, huge amount of tourists, particularly here in Cape Town and if I was the experienced guy looking for a one night stand I am sure I could find one reasonably easily, if I tried.

 

Reality is I guess I'd rather just keep myself going on the very few nice memories of when I did try to date than to go out and just get faced with continuous "you aren't good enough", "you are too negative" "girls like this" "guys must do that" "be her friend she has friends". I think they call this deluding yourself!

 

The sea is one of nature's most beautiful creations. I feel sorry for the folks who live far away from it. Glad you can enjoy it.

 

Surfing on a board is life changing, I highly recommend it.

 

The idea of travelling alone is daunting at first but if you particularly go to a place with a culture totally foreign to yours, it's a real eye opener and I can almost guarantee it'll make you not think about dating, women, etc.

 

I know it can be tough to travel when one has his hands full with work, etc but if you get the chance, do it. You don't want to be 90 one day in a hospital bed wondering how the world is.

 

Life is way too short to let the worries of women and dating eat you up

[JuneJulySeptember]

The sea is one of nature's most beautiful creations. I feel sorry for the folks who live far away from it. Glad you can enjoy it.

 

Surfing on a board is life changing, I highly recommend it.

 

The idea of travelling alone is daunting at first but if you particularly go to a place with a culture totally foreign to yours, it's a real eye opener and I can almost guarantee it'll make you not think about dating, women, etc.

 

I know it can be tough to travel when one has his hands full with work, etc but if you get the chance, do it. You don't want to be 90 one day in a hospital bed wondering how the world is.

 

Life is way too short to let the worries of women and dating eat you up

 

Surfing is hard as balls. I can really see how somebody could get into that.

 

I agree with your synopsis, although I would say that if you've NEVER had a woman/girlfriend, then I would try and get that done.

 

It'd be pretty hard for a guy to go through his entire adult life without ever having had a woman and feel content I would imagine.

 

I'm lucky. If the dice had come up with a different combo, I could have EASILY have been that guy.

[ZA Dater]

Impossible are the things we never try to do. I came up with that one and I think it to be true.

 

Suffice to say I have stepped back, looked at what I want and decided I am going to get it.

[lino]

Surfing is hard as balls. I can really see how somebody could get into that.

 

I agree with your synopsis, although I would say that if you've NEVER had a woman/girlfriend, then I would try and get that done.

 

It'd be pretty hard for a guy to go through his entire adult life without ever having had a woman and feel content I would imagine.

 

I'm lucky. If the dice had come up with a different combo, I could have EASILY have been that guy.

 

It is indeed hard at first! For me, the most rewarding thing in the world along with U.C Sampdoria

 

Yes! Definitely try to do it but I get the feeling the OP may be a bit burnt out by it so I'm just suggesting other things to take the mind away for a little while.

 

It is surely hard, I know it myself but in a slightly different way than the OP.