lino Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Impossible are the things we never try to do. I came up with that one and I think it to be true. Suffice to say I have stepped back, looked at what I want and decided I am going to get it. Excellent! Just don't compromise yourself just for this purpose.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Surfing is hard as balls. I can really see how somebody could get into that. I agree with your synopsis, although I would say that if you've NEVER had a woman/girlfriend, then I would try and get that done. It'd be pretty hard for a guy to go through his entire adult life without ever having had a woman and feel content I would imagine. I'm lucky. If the dice had come up with a different combo, I could have EASILY have been that guy. Ya, it sucks but some people are naturally dealt with a bad card in life
Author ZA Dater Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Excellent! Just don't compromise yourself just for this purpose. Well I am going to yet another dinner on my own, it is what it is I guess. I am going to have to compromise somewhere along the line but I guess each day I start with a certain degree of hope. People did try and find me a date for the event but its no big deal if I go alone I have lots of experience after all and none of the people offered up held much attraction and would not have worked in this rather elitist environment. Ironically enough I have arranged the dinner with a mutual friend, K is actually helping behind the scenes with certain aspects of the event. I think maybe one needs to realise things are built up over time, there isn't really a quick anything here, well I suppose my first time will be quick but that's besides the point. One first things I am working on is confidence, speaking to people, making conversation and so far its going fairly well and I am pleased with the progress thus far. A lot has been said in this thread but cycling the other day I thought it over and perhaps everything boils down to this "Be the person you want to date, be the person who can wow the one who wows you, take the confidence you have and portray it, say the things you feel rather than regret not saying them, show who you are because if you don't nobody will know who you are. Mostly be happy in your own skin and don't limit yourself by what you think and don't give up on what you want"
lino Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Well I am going to yet another dinner on my own, it is what it is I guess. I am going to have to compromise somewhere along the line but I guess each day I start with a certain degree of hope. People did try and find me a date for the event but its no big deal if I go alone I have lots of experience after all and none of the people offered up held much attraction and would not have worked in this rather elitist environment. Ironically enough I have arranged the dinner with a mutual friend, K is actually helping behind the scenes with certain aspects of the event. I think maybe one needs to realise things are built up over time, there isn't really a quick anything here, well I suppose my first time will be quick but that's besides the point. One first things I am working on is confidence, speaking to people, making conversation and so far its going fairly well and I am pleased with the progress thus far. A lot has been said in this thread but cycling the other day I thought it over and perhaps everything boils down to this "Be the person you want to date, be the person who can wow the one who wows you, take the confidence you have and portray it, say the things you feel rather than regret not saying them, show who you are because if you don't nobody will know who you are. Mostly be happy in your own skin and don't limit yourself by what you think and don't give up on what you want" I agree with the last bit you quoted. Are these dinners that you regularly go to work related things?
Qboro90 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Well I am going to yet another dinner on my own, it is what it is I guess. I am going to have to compromise somewhere along the line but I guess each day I start with a certain degree of hope. People did try and find me a date for the event but its no big deal if I go alone I have lots of experience after all and none of the people offered up held much attraction and would not have worked in this rather elitist environment. Ironically enough I have arranged the dinner with a mutual friend, K is actually helping behind the scenes with certain aspects of the event. I think maybe one needs to realise things are built up over time, there isn't really a quick anything here, well I suppose my first time will be quick but that's besides the point. One first things I am working on is confidence, speaking to people, making conversation and so far its going fairly well and I am pleased with the progress thus far. A lot has been said in this thread but cycling the other day I thought it over and perhaps everything boils down to this "Be the person you want to date, be the person who can wow the one who wows you, take the confidence you have and portray it, say the things you feel rather than regret not saying them, show who you are because if you don't nobody will know who you are. Mostly be happy in your own skin and don't limit yourself by what you think and don't give up on what you want" Overall the last paragraph is a good out look to have. Be careful with saying the things you feel so early on tho. There's a different between saying "every time I'm with you I have a great time" and "I can't stop thinking about you, you're so beautiful etc". Be more flirtatious in the early stages of dating at getting to know people instead of opening up your heart so visibly. In a perfect world we'd be able to divulge our feelings immediately but that's just not how things work. Also notice that your friends are trying to set you up with dates. It's fine if this time no one interested you but also keep in mind that the more you say no to their suggestions and help, the less inclined they'll be to try and help you. So every now and then go for it and trust they're putting you together with someone you'd enjoy being around.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 That's why for a while now I'm jealous of how women are valued for their youth more than men because women are far less likely than men are to miss out on dating and relationships in their 20's
Author ZA Dater Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Overall the last paragraph is a good out look to have. Be careful with saying the things you feel so early on tho. There's a different between saying "every time I'm with you I have a great time" and "I can't stop thinking about you, you're so beautiful etc". Be more flirtatious in the early stages of dating at getting to know people instead of opening up your heart so visibly. In a perfect world we'd be able to divulge our feelings immediately but that's just not how things work. Also notice that your friends are trying to set you up with dates. It's fine if this time no one interested you but also keep in mind that the more you say no to their suggestions and help, the less inclined they'll be to try and help you. So every now and then go for it and trust they're putting you together with someone you'd enjoy being around. With the greatest respect to my friends they really don't know what I like or what is a good match for me, its fine then trying to set me up but when the person they are setting me up with isn't interested in me from the outset it just becomes a contrived arrangement. For my friends the only important thing is she must look good, that doesn't rank at the top of my list at all. For most of them its all about the physical rather than the intellectual.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 I agree with the last bit you quoted. Are these dinners that you regularly go to work related things? Not work related at all, part of a club I belong to and am the administrator of. So what I am going on my own, not an altogether unusual occurrence, I fully expect to be asked where my date is so I am readying myself for those questions, which will be asked as they always are! There is no potential to meet anyone here at all as everyone is partnered up.
StBreton Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) ZAD ...I've read this entire thread over the past month and have developed a genuine interest in your situation. You kind calm character, humor and intelligence spring forth from these pages. Here's what I've observed ...even if you were to be fixed up with someone who isn't quite your taste in all respects ...it's still an opportunity to build your interpersonal relationship /dating skills and your confidence. It sounds as if you're your own worst enemy with this dating dilemma. Posters on this thread suggest something to assist in advancing your situation and you discount saying "I need to build my confidence" then the posters ask "can you get a date through your friends?" and you say "yes but though my friends pick a person who's attractive on the outside ...I'm seeking more". It's only a date! Not a 6 month relationship your friends are proposing. Not only that ...this person you go out with you will get to know a little on the date and she may know someone who's perfect for you! These connections happen. Still ...you're building your dating conversational repertoire. You appear to have circular reasoning/thinking on this matter. I picked up on it the last time I read posts on this thread and I'm sensing it once again upon reading posts of late. Do you see your pattern? I had to break the dating ice after 18 years last year ...was difficult as I couldn't even remember how to date. But I got out there ...and am better for it today. I've learned so much the past year ...really stretched my skills. I've met some nice people along the way as well ...and a few duds ...but I digress. Edited October 22, 2015 by StBreton 1
Qboro90 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 ZAD ...I've read this entire thread over the past month and have developed a genuine interest in your situation. You kind calm character, humor and intelligence spring forth from these pages. Here's what I've observed ...even if you were to be fixed up with someone who isn't quite your taste in all respects ...it's still an opportunity to build your interpersonal relationship /dating skills and your confidence. It sounds as if you're your own worst enemy with this dating dilemma. Posters on this thread suggest something to assist in advancing your situation and you discount saying "I need to build my confidence" then the posters ask "can you get a date through your friends?" and you say "yes but though my friends pick a person who's attractive on the outside ...I'm seeking more". It's only a date! Not a 6 month relationship your friends are proposing. Not only that ...this person you go out with you will get to know a little on the date and she may know someone who's perfect for you! These connections happen. Still ...you're building your dating conversational repertoire. You appear to have circular reasoning/thinking on this matter. I picked up on it the last time I read posts on this thread and I'm sensing it once again upon reading posts of late. Do you see your pattern? I had to break the dating ice after 18 years last year ...was difficult as I couldn't even remember how to date. But I got out there ...and am better for it today. I've learned so much the past year ...really stretched my skills. I've met some nice people along the way as well ...and a few duds ...but I digress. Solid advise and observation. I've commented in the past that going on dates can lead to someone saying "you know I actually have a friend that I think you'd like" more than you think. You also won't get much sympathy if you're having a problem because your friends are setting you up with attractive women. Life could be much worse. And how are you aware that these girls aren't interested in you from the outset? The second you meet them you just know they're not into you? Before you meet them you just know they won't like you? During the date it's evident? If these women agree to being set up with you in the first place then they must have somewhat of an open mind so something doesn't add up here.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Solid advise and observation. I've commented in the past that going on dates can lead to someone saying "you know I actually have a friend that I think you'd like" more than you think. You also won't get much sympathy if you're having a problem because your friends are setting you up with attractive women. Life could be much worse. And how are you aware that these girls aren't interested in you from the outset? The second you meet them you just know they're not into you? Before you meet them you just know they won't like you? During the date it's evident? If these women agree to being set up with you in the first place then they must have somewhat of an open mind so something doesn't add up here. Here is the issue....they aren't really agreeing to be set up with me, they are meeting me more out of "oh shame he cant find a girlfriend, I am not interested in him but lets see what he is like" these are from the outset "pity dates" and are set up as such. All they did was absolutely shatter my self confidence hence the reason I refuse to partake in them any longer. Instead of letting others do what they think I need I am going to do what I think I need because ultimately I am the person dating.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 ZAD ...I've read this entire thread over the past month and have developed a genuine interest in your situation. You kind calm character, humor and intelligence spring forth from these pages. Here's what I've observed ...even if you were to be fixed up with someone who isn't quite your taste in all respects ...it's still an opportunity to build your interpersonal relationship /dating skills and your confidence. It sounds as if you're your own worst enemy with this dating dilemma. Posters on this thread suggest something to assist in advancing your situation and you discount saying "I need to build my confidence" then the posters ask "can you get a date through your friends?" and you say "yes but though my friends pick a person who's attractive on the outside ...I'm seeking more". It's only a date! Not a 6 month relationship your friends are proposing. Not only that ...this person you go out with you will get to know a little on the date and she may know someone who's perfect for you! These connections happen. Still ...you're building your dating conversational repertoire. You appear to have circular reasoning/thinking on this matter. I picked up on it the last time I read posts on this thread and I'm sensing it once again upon reading posts of late. Do you see your pattern? I had to break the dating ice after 18 years last year ...was difficult as I couldn't even remember how to date. But I got out there ...and am better for it today. I've learned so much the past year ...really stretched my skills. I've met some nice people along the way as well ...and a few duds ...but I digress. You make a lot of very good points in the above, thank you for contributing. I think really for me to progress I need to find an equilibrium where I am happy with myself and over the last week I am getting to a better place so to speak, its not particularly easy and I know when I go to said function on my own I am going to have to fight that feeling of being an oddball looser. Hopefully I can win that fight. Probably what the thread doesn't illustrate is fundamentally I am an introvert who is attracted to confident extroverts, clearly I need to make a change here so I am speaking to people to get over the shyness and learn how to project myself. The side effect of this is I am feeling better about myself as odd as that sounds. Sure I could go on dates, people keep saying the "she has a friend" and maybe that's true but honestly there is nobody available of interest at the moment. How I work is I chase the seemingly impossible, why because I like a challenge and for me the motivation here is to get what wow, sure maybe I don't but what if I do? I know what I have to give, I know what I am good at and yes its hugely frustrating to sit at home alone night after night then go out and see many couples, frustrating to see 32 coming up quickly and prospects seemingly no better than they were at 22. At the end of the day one needs to put ones faith somewhere and for better or for worse I am invested in chasing what appears to me to be an ideal and I'd rather live that idea of the ideal in mind then go on dates which just bore me to tears and make me feel hopeless. Doesn't make a lot of sense but it boils down to this, if I am going to go on a date it has to be with someone I would want to date or be friends with.
lino Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 That's why for a while now I'm jealous of how women are valued for their youth more than men because women are far less likely than men are to miss out on dating and relationships in their 20's No point being jealous mate, it gets one nowhere. That's how the world works, just have to adapt Learning from those with success is a lot more constructive than jealousy.
lino Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Not work related at all, part of a club I belong to and am the administrator of. So what I am going on my own, not an altogether unusual occurrence, I fully expect to be asked where my date is so I am readying myself for those questions, which will be asked as they always are! There is no potential to meet anyone here at all as everyone is partnered up. Shame you can't meet someone through the club. Are the other members of this club good friemds of yours? Can you befriend more closely some of the men there and learn something from them if they're successful with women?
Author ZA Dater Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Shame you can't meet someone through the club. Are the other members of this club good friemds of yours? Can you befriend more closely some of the men there and learn something from them if they're successful with women? I am the youngest member of the club by a substantial margin, most people are at least 10-15 years older than me. Wouldn't say anyone is really a good friend, we just have a common interest but apart from that we all walk very different paths in life. I think success is very hard to define to be honest, perhaps I could be considered successful in the sense I had one good date? It all depends on how you view things. One always has choices as to how to view things. Honestly I do feel this giant pain in my stomach some (many) days because I am so lonely but then I try and counter act that by thinking how awesome it was to feel butterflies for someone.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 No point being jealous mate, it gets one nowhere. That's how the world works, just have to adapt Learning from those with success is a lot more constructive than jealousy. I suppose at some point one must give thought to the fact one can buy success up to a point if one has deep enough pockets, superficial it may be, fake most definitely but some would call it success nonetheless.
StBreton Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I suppose at some point one must give thought to the fact one can buy success up to a point if one has deep enough pockets, superficial it may be, fake most definitely but some would call it success nonetheless. Do you have an example of how someone can "buy" success?
Author ZA Dater Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Do you have an example of how someone can "buy" success? Fairly easy. Go to a club, spend a ton of money on drinks, wear something that looks expensive and it would be fairly easy to find oneself a "girlfriend". Undoubtedly most ladies are attracted to apparent success.
StBreton Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Fairly easy. Go to a club, spend a ton of money on drinks, wear something that looks expensive and it would be fairly easy to find oneself a "girlfriend". Undoubtedly most ladies are attracted to apparent success. Maybe I'm just arguing semantics here ...but that's buying the image of success ...as success is the "the attainment or accomplishment" of that with which you seek. The guy you portray here is the male version of Cinderella ...he hasn't accomplished anything other than an "image" of success ...and that image will attract a lot of girls I live in an affluent area ...image is important sure ...but for me and most ...attitude is everything. I never dated the flashy guy ...but I dated guys who had it going on ...they did things with their life ...involved. I will say ...it's in a girls DNA ...who is looking to have a family ...to go for guys who have resources ... It's all about doing the best for the future family. Do you have feelings of inadequacy with this?
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 No point being jealous mate, it gets one nowhere. That's how the world works, just have to adapt Learning from those with success is a lot more constructive than jealousy. Ya that's why for as long as I can remember, I detest, hate, despise, loathe the way the world works, and it makes me feel at times I hate being born male, gets irritating on why I should feel lucky to be born male
Author ZA Dater Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Maybe I'm just arguing semantics here ...but that's buying the image of success ...as success is the "the attainment or accomplishment" of that with which you seek. The guy you portray here is the male version of Cinderella ...he hasn't accomplished anything other than an "image" of success ...and that image will attract a lot of girls I live in an affluent area ...image is important sure ...but for me and most ...attitude is everything. I never dated the flashy guy ...but I dated guys who had it going on ...they did things with their life ...involved. I will say ...it's in a girls DNA ...who is looking to have a family ...to go for guys who have resources ... It's all about doing the best for the future family. Do you have feelings of inadequacy with this? No I was simply using semantics to illustrate a point which you proved rather nicely with the last line of the first paragraph;) I just have feelings of indifference towards what dating is and how seemingly very little emphasis is placed on the person as opposed to purely superficial standards. For me each day now is about making myself better to try achieve a specific dating objective.
StBreton Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 No I was simply using semantics to illustrate a point which you proved rather nicely with the last line of the first paragraph;) I just have feelings of indifference towards what dating is and how seemingly very little emphasis is placed on the person as opposed to purely superficial standards. For me each day now is about making myself better to try achieve a specific dating objective. ZA ...you are just one of the nicest most humble genuine people on this forum ...just want you to know that's what I pick up from you. In response to you: Myself and most women aren't going to date a homeless guy ... Emotionally unstable ...or one who can't roll with doing things in life which a woman enjoys ...like going out to a nice dinner sometimes etc. However ...most woman are not shallow ...though some are. When I met my ex H...I made twice what he did ...he was an up and comer ...and we had many a date just getting pizza and a bottle of wine and sitting out back on the grass ... Those were sweet times ... We just enjoyed each other's company. Though he made our first real date extra ordinarily special ... Most were just doing things on a low budget. There are girls like that out there ...but you'd have to leave the comfort of your circular reasoning. Ya know what my Ex's motto was ...fake it till you make it ...I chuckle at that ...we had good times. You're wasting your youth ZA ... It's written all over this thread but you can't/refuse to see it ...ever heard of the johari window? I recommend you Google it.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 ZA ...you are just one of the nicest most humble genuine people on this forum ...just want you to know that's what I pick up from you. In response to you: Myself and most women aren't going to date a homeless guy ... Emotionally unstable ...or one who can't roll with doing things in life which a woman enjoys ...like going out to a nice dinner sometimes etc. However ...most woman are not shallow ...though some are. When I met my ex H...I made twice what he did ...he was an up and comer ...and we had many a date just getting pizza and a bottle of wine and sitting out back on the grass ... Those were sweet times ... We just enjoyed each other's company. Though he made our first real date extra ordinarily special ... Most were just doing things on a low budget. There are girls like that out there ...but you'd have to leave the comfort of your circular reasoning. Ya know what my Ex's motto was ...fake it till you make it ...I chuckle at that ...we had good times. You're wasting your youth ZA ... It's written all over this thread but you can't/refuse to see it ...ever heard of the johari window? I recommend you Google it. Thank you for the nice compliment! If there is one thing I would love to do and that is spoil someone, nice dinner, nice unique dates (lion park would be one idea). The money is really not much of a factor for me, within reason. In fact I'd far rather spend on someone else than spend on myself. Wasting youth, don't quite see this? I am never going to be the one night stand party guy, I realised that years ago. If I am going to sleep with someone she would need to give me butterflies and unfortunately very few people seem to do that for me, hence when one does come along I do my absolute best to try the best I can. For me life is about the experience and how one feels, the subject of this thread does give me butterflies each and every time I see her. Clearly I don't do the same so basically I need to go away and try and make myself the sort of guy who will give her those butterflies, sure I might never work in which case yes I have maybe wasted my time but as I sit here I can imagine that ideal date with her and that's motivation enough to try. Reality is there is pretty much nobody else that interests me in what I call a "wholesome" way.
lino Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I am the youngest member of the club by a substantial margin, most people are at least 10-15 years older than me. Wouldn't say anyone is really a good friend, we just have a common interest but apart from that we all walk very different paths in life. I think success is very hard to define to be honest, perhaps I could be considered successful in the sense I had one good date? It all depends on how you view things. One always has choices as to how to view things. Honestly I do feel this giant pain in my stomach some (many) days because I am so lonely but then I try and counter act that by thinking how awesome it was to feel butterflies for someone. Ok fair enough about the club. Re successful, I mean it in the sense that one gets what one sets out to achieve. In this case, if a guy wants to get women, he has very few problems doing so. Three of my close friends are like this. I've learnt a lot from them even if I've not had 1/100th of their success. It definitely is in the eye of the beholder and it's good you have the memory of those feelings. Use it as motivation to find it again.
lino Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I suppose at some point one must give thought to the fact one can buy success up to a point if one has deep enough pockets, superficial it may be, fake most definitely but some would call it success nonetheless. That's not really what I meant but I agree with what you're saying. The context I meant was succeeding in whatever it is one sets out to achieve. But yes, the guys with deep pockets usually have a lot of notches on their bed posts if they so choose.
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