You look like a woman that plays with men's feelings?

[Versacehottie]

I must be wired differently because I did not feel offended at his comment. I felt curious as to why I had given him this vibe. Between you all and I, I have a hard time with this dating and I want to know how I come across to these men.

 

I have typed his exact words in my post 24.

 

Our conversation continued for 30 minutes and it was nice.

 

Actually I was not that offended by his observation or saying he was looking for something serious either. As long as he said it neutral with no agenda and planned to move on. Like oops, we are not a match. That happens and is part of dating. I think he was honest about his feelings though maybe a little too quick to judge--sure it won't be the first or last time that happens in dating.

 

Before Gaeta, even posted the exact conversation I guessed: My read on that:

 

Too sexy. Too attention seeking. Attention given is not specific to him and because he earned it. Too emotional. Could be picking up on a vibe that says there will be drama ahead. Highs and lows rather than steady, stable. Just a my two cents.

 

And then when she posted the brief conversation and one off-handed remark she made it summed up many of those things. I don't need to be right, it doesn't matter. But it is ironic that I could pick up on a connection that he was making without seeing the actual words that were said until later. My point is that is the reason someone would say something like his comment, IMO. Maybe if the conversation continued for another 30 minutes he was back in the game. Who knows until he follows up. I do think it's a yellow flag so proceed with caution.

 

Basically if someone tells you they have reservations about dating you and you don't mind and still will, it's permission for them to treat you badly. I think. Hope I'm wrong

[Maggie4]

If you think there is potential, then keep seeing him. It takes a while to get to know someone. And in the beginning, you are not as open, and you foul up. If you judge him based on his one comment, aren't you then as guilty as him judging you on whatever thing you said wrong?

Keep an open mind. I remember it was easier for me to make friends when I was 20. People I knew at that age didn't scrutinize, and we were tolerant. Would be nice to have that innocence back while having wisdom at the same time.

[Versacehottie]

oh la la!

 

Wait, it might be the language barrier here.

 

I contacted him with a joke.

He came back laughing and said he was looking for a serious relationship.

We talked about banalities for 2 minutes

He asked how was my search

I made the bad joke

We talked about banalities for 2 minutes

He said see post 24

 

I said not at all, I don't know why you picked that vibe, I am serious in my search.

 

And we kept on talking for 30 minutes and he never made another comment about it.

 

ok, well I'm half getting it now. Maybe he is insecure and looking for reassurance because he thinks you are out of his league and needed confirmation from you before continuing.

[katiegrl]

I must be wired differently because I did not feel offended at his comment.

 

Now I am really confused. If you didn't feel offended...why did you post this?

 

 

 

Then he said he cannot pin point why but I come across as a woman that plays with men's feelings and added he apologize for being forward but he's really looking for someone serious.

 

WHAT ??

 

 

 

if not offended, even if just a little.... why even start this thread at all?

 

 

Totally confused now.

[Gaeta]

Now I am really confused. If you didn't feel offended...why did you post this?

 

if not offended, even if just a little.... why even start this thread at all?

 

 

Totally confused now.

 

I wanted to know if a woman is bubbly and funny if it was perceived as not serious.

 

But now I am learning my sense of humor needs tuning lol,

[katiegrl]

I wanted to know if a woman is bubbly and funny if it was perceived as not serious.

 

But now I am learning my sense of humor needs tuning lol,

 

Okay got it!

 

 

And no your sense of humor does not need tuning...it just needs better timing.

 

Save for after you meet so he can hear the inflection in your voice, expression on your face, etc.... all which conveys whether or not you were serious or joking...

 

 

Bottom line.... you were the one talking to him, not us. If YOU want to go for it.... then I think you should!

 

 

Be sure to keep us posted though... have fun!

[nescafe1982]

I must be wired differently because I did not feel offended at his comment. I felt curious as to why I had given him this vibe.

 

It's entirely possible this reaction is why he made the comment.

 

I could be wrong. But when I was online dating, I had a man or two make comments like that. In hindsight, I think they were A) fishing for assurances or B) prompting me to prove I'm not one of "those women."

 

I think of this kind of banter as the man's equivalent of chicks who say stuff like "I'm so ugly/chubby/plain" expecting the listener to emphatically disagree.

[edgygirl]

Versacehottie Nailed it.

 

It's not wise to tell a prospect romantic partner about all the numerous guys you've been talking with and how it's been disastrous to the point you have to block several people. Although I also have an immense blocked list, saying that in the open make us sound like the "crazy lady" type specially because men don't get the stalking we go through.

 

Also, although we are all multi-dating, both men and women, do you really want to hear in a first interaction how they are dating tons of people? While it's true, it's one of these things neither of us wants to hear from someone we're interested in.

 

Yep, that could be it. While it goes without saying you are talking to other guys since he met you online dating, you don't want to say something like that. First of all, quantity--puts your discretion in question. Second of all--if you have so many why isn't it working out, unreasonably picky with drama is what he might be thinking. Third of all, just presume a guy thinks you are attractive and desirable if you are talking to him, no need to hit him over the head with the humble brag of numbers which actually ends up making you look bad. Lastly, talking about negative things like blocking people and cutting them out of your life (while it may be true and may represent your dating struggles), only reflects on you in a negative way and gives them material to churn on in an uncertain state---don't talk about negative things or dating others in your beginning conversations.

 

So yes, I see why he commented like that and when you replay back his part of the conversation, he sounded stable and normal not like he was baiting you. I guess it could be half and half but it wasn't there in the dialogue on his end. Keep your side of the street clean. Sorry to be harsh but you wanted to get to the bottom of this and to me, this is the reason he commented that way.

[katiegrl]

It's entirely possible this reaction is why he made the comment.

 

I could be wrong. But when I was online dating, I had a man or two make comments like that. In hindsight, I think they were A) fishing for assurances or B) prompting me to prove I'm not one of "those women."

 

I think of this kind of banter as the man's equivalent of chicks who say stuff like "I'm so ugly/chubby/plain" expecting the listener to emphatically disagree.

 

Yeah.... maybe he was just mind f*cking with you.... attempting to throw you off your game since he thought you sounded so smooth.

 

 

Apparently it worked? As now you appear quite intrigued!

 

 

Perhaps I judged him too harshly. He's not an arrogant pri*ck.... he's actually quite smart.... he was messing with you.... to build attraction!

 

 

Ha!

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Really? Sorry I don't agree. I don't think it was a smart dating comment to make of the OP. Saying you have a lot of blocked people sounds like she doesn't have good judgement, discretion and things go to drama.

 

Just because we like Gaeta, doesn't mean we can keep blowing smoke and ripping all her dates to shreds when it won't help her get what she wants: a relationship. Other side of the coin, if you say stuff like that it's another form of not having good judgement socially. I think she shouldn't have said that. He was quick to dismiss her but he asked one of the most common dating questions (that's where he could stand to get more smooth if you ask me) and she blew it. I'm all for building up OP's confidence where and when it is needed but this is a situation with hard facts and as an outsider, in analyzing this, I can see clearly why he did what he did. Sorry, Gaeta.

 

I normally agree with most of your posts, but I disagree with you on this. Like Katiegrl has stated, one 'off-the-cuff' remark does NOT a "huge dating infraction" make. If this 'well pedigreed' dude was more confident in himself and was a more 'go-with-the-flow' (easy going and understanding) man, he would've replied in some of the ways that Redhead has mentioned; and, he wouldn't have been so judgmental of Gaeta because of ONE thing that she said in sarcastic jest!

 

If a man who is using OLD to find 'serious true love with someone he can grow old with' doesn't have enough of a sense of humor, or understanding or is that uptight and judgmental that he's going to 'next' a woman that he otherwise had a fun and casual online convo with because of one thing that she said that 'turned him off', then he's definitely not relationship material!

 

What is he going to do and how is he going to respond to his SO within the context of a relationship if one day, her humor or sarcasm rubs him the wrong way or turns him off? Is he going to break up with her? Or will he judge her and gaslight her the way he did with Gaeta?

 

In my (and a few other members') opinion, Gaeta dodged a bullet with this judgmental, insecure and possibly manipulative guy. But, she seems to like him because he's 'well pedigreed'...so, it's HER call if she wants to date this guy again or not. If it were me, I would've 'nexted' him right after that convo and I would never talk to him again.

 

 

 

.

[katiegrl]

I normally agree with most of your posts, but I disagree with you on this. Like Katiegrl has stated, one 'off-the-cuff' remark does NOT a "huge dating infraction" make. If this 'well pedigreed' dude was more confident in himself and was a more 'go-with-the-flow' (easy going and understanding) man, he would've replied in some of the ways that Redhead has mentioned; and, he wouldn't have been so judgmental of Gaeta because of ONE thing that she said in sarcastic jest!

 

If a man who is using OLD to find 'serious true love with someone he can grow old with' doesn't have enough of a sense of humor, or understanding or is that uptight and judgmental that he's going to 'next' a woman that he otherwise had a fun and casual online convo with because of one thing that she said that 'turned him off', then he's definitely not relationship material!

 

What is he going to do and how is he going to respond to his SO within the context of a relationship if one day, her humor or sarcasm rubs him the wrong way or turns him off? Is he going to break up with her? Or will he judge her and gaslight her the way he did with Gaeta?

 

In my (and a few other members') opinion, Gaeta dodged a bullet with this judgmental, insecure and possibly manipulative guy. But, she seems to like him because he's 'well pedigreed'...so, it's HER call if she wants to date this guy again or not. If it were me, I would've 'nexted' him right after that convo and I would never talk to him again.

 

 

.

 

 

Gawd.... I wish I were as articulate as you... well said!

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Gawd.... I wish I were as articulate as you... well said!

 

Thanks Katie! But, I just hope that if Gaeta decides to continue to interact with this guy, that he doesn't do what I suspect he may do to her in the future - which is treating her in a judgmental way with anything she says in sarcasm or with humor that 'rubs him the wrong way'...or manipulating her into believing that some of the things she may say to him is 'wrong' of her to do (which is a form of gaslighting) and that she's the one that 'needs correction' in his mind.

 

Also, the way she worded her OP, it sounded as if he blew her off and that she was offended by what he said. But she recently has stated that what he said did NOT offend her and that he did NOT blow her off but instead, he has indicated to her that he wants to communicate with her in the future. So, I'm a little bit confused...but in the end, I just want Gaeta to be happy and to end up in a relationship with a NORMAL guy who will TREAT HER WITH RESPECT.

 

 

 

.

[Art_Critic]

my guess is that you look physically like an ex that hurt him, he was attracted to you because of that and then turned away from you for that same reason.... next...

[Art_Critic]

or it was his way of negging you to create the chase

[katiegrl]

or it was his way of negging you to create the chase

 

THAT is the word I was looking for -- yes negging!

 

Either that or is it possible HE was joking and being sarcastic also?

 

I could see it .....that type of teasing and back and forth bantering.

[Versacehottie]

I normally agree with most of your posts, but I disagree with you on this. Like Katiegrl has stated, one 'off-the-cuff' remark does NOT a "huge dating infraction" make. If this 'well pedigreed' dude was more confident in himself and was a more 'go-with-the-flow' (easy going and understanding) man, he would've replied in some of the ways that Redhead has mentioned; and, he wouldn't have been so judgmental of Gaeta because of ONE thing that she said in sarcastic jest!

 

If a man who is using OLD to find 'serious true love with someone he can grow old with' doesn't have enough of a sense of humor, or understanding or is that uptight and judgmental that he's going to 'next' a woman that he otherwise had a fun and casual online convo with because of one thing that she said that 'turned him off', then he's definitely not relationship material!

 

What is he going to do and how is he going to respond to his SO within the context of a relationship if one day, her humor or sarcasm rubs him the wrong way or turns him off? Is he going to break up with her? Or will he judge her and gaslight her the way he did with Gaeta?

 

In my (and a few other members') opinion, Gaeta dodged a bullet with this judgmental, insecure and possibly manipulative guy. But, she seems to like him because he's 'well pedigreed'...so, it's HER call if she wants to date this guy again or not. If it were me, I would've 'nexted' him right after that convo and I would never talk to him again.

 

 

 

.

 

No worries. I'm glad we usually agree and it's ok if we don't this time. I'm sure OP will appreciate a variety of responses. I think now that she's somewhat clarified, the order and context of everything may have truly been of off-the-cuff remark AND reaction and neither Gaeta or her guy cares as much as we do here. In that case, I think he just said it the same way a lot of girls do to get reassurances, which would point to his insecurity.

 

In general though, he sounds normal enough and like he was just stating what his desired goals in dating were and gave her an opportunity to clarify that she is looking for something serious. I'm not into the man-bashing especially when I don't think it accurately reflects what happened. I think her response about blocking guys, if I were a guy, sends the wrong message and yes it would be something that turned me off to someone--and vice versa in the places were reversed. People are different some wouldn't read too much into a comment like that and others would read a lot into it. True or not, when someone says something that the underlying tone is bitter or jaded not to mention all the other conclusions he could come to from a small statement like that, we wouldn't be a match. Maybe this guy thinks like me? I have a great sense of humor and appreciate others with one--but wouldn't be interested in someone who was jaded or with such a track record. Funny but for different reasons, we are both saying to next him--based on the original information, now it's kinda evolved.

 

Anyway, that's all hypothetical since now I don't think this is exactly the order of how things were said and what they meant in context. Time will tell.

 

The irony is if a girl poster was on here saying that a guy said a similar line to her where her potential date, a guy online, alluded to MANY other online dates, who he has blocked, etc etc., other posters would be jumping to her defense saying he was a player, drama, red flag, get rid of the loser.

 

If Gaeta's guy was quick to judge it's not the best, but statements like that speak volumes and people are going to judge them. They don't put you in the best light. His quick to judge you guys are saying is a red flag and if the guy was posting on here, I'd tell him a statement like that is a red flag. So that's where we are. Anyway, she wants to date him so good luck and keep us up on the progress.

[Gary S]

THAT is the word I was looking for -- yes negging!

 

Either that or is it possible HE was joking and being sarcastic also?

 

I could see it .....that type of teasing and back and forth bantering.

 

- hmmmm, that's a possibility I guess?

 

This thread just further illustrates how bad messaging/texting really is. It would be better if the guy would ask for the woman's number on day two of messaging and go to voice, that would eliminate a lot of problems I think.

[Gaeta]

He is full of it.........

 

The site we're on it tells where we are. His profile said he was in my city but he told me he was 3 hours away on a contract. I thought that was weird cause his profile should have shown that city as his location.

 

Then he tells me his contract finishes in 5 weeks so we can only meet in 5 weeks.

 

Then today his profile says he's in Ohio !!

 

Guess who's on my block list?!!

[lgspot]

He is full of it.........

 

The site we're on it tells where we are. His profile said he was in my city but he told me he was 3 hours away on a contract. I thought that was weird cause his profile should have shown that city as his location.

 

Then he tells me his contract finishes in 5 weeks so we can only meet in 5 weeks.

 

Then today his profile says he's in Ohio !!

 

Guess who's on my block list?!!

Smart girl Gaeta!!!

[katiegrl]

He is full of it.........

 

The site we're on it tells where we are. His profile said he was in my city but he told me he was 3 hours away on a contract. I thought that was weird cause his profile should have shown that city as his location.

 

Then he tells me his contract finishes in 5 weeks so we can only meet in 5 weeks.

 

Then today his profile says he's in Ohio !!

 

Guess who's on my block list?!!

 

I shudder to think what would have happened had you not been presented with such blatant evidence that this bozo was a scammer and as you said *full of it.*

 

Many of us suspected it simply based on his one (or was it two) rude comments to you from the get go.

 

Yet you thought he was soooo nice and were ready to go out with him!

 

I don't think your sense of humor needs tuning ... but your intuition and ability to differentiate between losers and good guys might! Lol

 

In any event, better late than never....

 

On to the next.

Edited September 4, 2015 by katiegrl

[lgspot]

I shudder to think what would have happened had you not been presented with such blatant evidence that this bozo was a scammer and as you said *full of it.*

 

Many of us suspected it simply based on his one (or was it two) rude comments to you from the get go.

 

Yet you thought he was soooo nice and were ready to go out with him!

 

I don't think your sense of humor needs tuning ... but your intuition and ability to differentiate between losers and good guys might! Lol

 

In any event, better late than never....

 

On to the next.

Progress before perfection...

Her "picker" is getting better.

[katiegrl]

Progress before perfection...

Her "picker" is getting better.

 

How so? She was ready to go out with this weazel!

 

I adore Gaeta, but it's like she needs to be hit over head with concrete proof that a guy is an assh*le before she realizes he's an assh*ke!

 

I am not saying this to mean, but sometimes I get scared for her, cause when she is smitten, she just doesn't see what should be so obvious.

[kilgore]

How so? She was ready to go out with this weazel!

 

I adore Gaeta, but it's like she needs to be hit over head with concrete proof that a guy is an assh*le before she realizes he's an assh*ke!

 

I am not saying this to mean, but sometimes I get scared for her, cause when she is smitten, she just doesn't see what should be so obvious.

 

Maybe she is just an optimist

[lgspot]

How so? She was ready to go out with this weazel!

 

I adore Gaeta, but it's like she needs to be hit over head with concrete proof that a guy is an assh*le before she realizes he's an assh*ke!

 

I am not saying this to mean, but sometimes I get scared for her, cause when she is smitten, she just doesn't see what should be so obvious.

She was asking the right questions and listening to people on here.

She looked before leaping with this guy.

Gaeta is very trusting, so sometimes she misses the obvious. That's what you girls are for---helping her see through BULLS**T....

She gives great insight to others in her posts and advice, but as is often the case with intelligent people, they're fooled in their personal relationships. Trustworthy people want to trust.

[edgygirl]

I think most of the people who say Gaeta is naive or so are in a relationship for a while and don't understand that these days it's really, extremely hard to tell when a guy is crazy, a bs-er, or a nice guy. Specially the bad ones, because they're out to deceive, they can have really good game that fools you for sometime, and the truth is you have to be open until people show they're not worth it... so sometimes we end up wasting our time for a while until we realize it.

 

I like to think I know how to read people... yet... it's really tricky to date these days. It seems most people have ulterior motives and are sneaky.

 

She was asking the right questions and listening to people on here.

She looked before leaping with this guy.

Gaeta is very trusting, so sometimes she misses the obvious. That's what you girls are for---helping her see through BULLS**T....

She gives great insight to others in her posts and advice, but as is often the case with intelligent people, they're fooled in their personal relationships. Trustworthy people want to trust.