Versacehottie Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 his exact words: Are you really serious about looking for a man You seems to be the kind of woman who toys with men's feelings Sorry if it sounds weird I don't know it's just a feeling He said that out of the blue between 'how old are your kids' and 'boy or girl' question. Earlier, after my initial hello, he asked me how was my search and I said lets say I have more men on my block list than on my favorite list. Could it be it? Yep, that could be it. While it goes without saying you are talking to other guys since he met you online dating, you don't want to say something like that. First of all, quantity--puts your discretion in question. Second of all--if you have so many why isn't it working out, unreasonably picky with drama is what he might be thinking. Third of all, just presume a guy thinks you are attractive and desirable if you are talking to him, no need to hit him over the head with the humble brag of numbers which actually ends up making you look bad. Lastly, talking about negative things like blocking people and cutting them out of your life (while it may be true and may represent your dating struggles), only reflects on you in a negative way and gives them material to churn on in an uncertain state---don't talk about negative things or dating others in your beginning conversations. So yes, I see why he commented like that and when you replay back his part of the conversation, he sounded stable and normal not like he was baiting you. I guess it could be half and half but it wasn't there in the dialogue on his end. Keep your side of the street clean. Sorry to be harsh but you wanted to get to the bottom of this and to me, this is the reason he commented that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 He got the feeling that you were leading him on? Yet, you hadn't even met or done anything to warrant that . . . He is insecure and doesn't trust women. Pass. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Ya but........... He has a really good pedigree. He gave me his full name and name of company. (who does that? probably someone not used to online) He may be a show dog, but he pees on the rug 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Yep, that could be it. While it goes without saying you are talking to other guys since he met you online dating, you don't want to say something like that. First of all, quantity--puts your discretion in question. Second of all--if you have so many why isn't it working out, unreasonably picky with drama is what he might be thinking. Third of all, just presume a guy thinks you are attractive and desirable if you are talking to him, no need to hit him over the head with the humble brag of numbers which actually ends up making you look bad. Lastly, talking about negative things like blocking people and cutting them out of your life (while it may be true and may represent your dating struggles), only reflects on you in a negative way and gives them material to churn on in an uncertain state---don't talk about negative things or dating others in your beginning conversations. So yes, I see why he commented like that and when you replay back his part of the conversation, he sounded stable and normal not like he was baiting you. I guess it could be half and half but it wasn't there in the dialogue on his end. Keep your side of the street clean. Sorry to be harsh but you wanted to get to the bottom of this and to me, this is the reason he commented that way. Yes I can see your point. And I know all those rules already. When I messaged him I had just blocked 2 idiots I was frustrated. I also use humor to ease frustration so I started funny and became sarcastic. But other than that comment all of our conversation was positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 He may be a show dog, but he pees on the rug hahaha, hey you have a sense of humor on you! ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 his exact words: Are you really serious about looking for a man You seems to be the kind of woman who toys with men's feelings Sorry if it sounds weird I don't know it's just a feeling He said that out of the blue between 'how old are your kids' and 'boy or girl' question. Earlier, after my initial hello, he asked me how was my search and I said lets say I have more men on my block list than on my favorite list. Could it be it? Playing devil's advocate, yes that could be it...for the reasons Versachehottie explained in her post. I know you were making a joke....but jokes (sarcasm, etc) don't convey well over the internet, especially when you don't know the person making the joke. He may have interpreted it like you've been with a lot of men and dismissed them all ... therefore, you are either not really looking for anything serious, or you are too picky....and might dismiss him too. Just a guess.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 No I don't think successful people don't have hang ups. I'm always more successful than men I meet. They see me as intimidating OR they want to borrow money from me. Would be nice to skip that. oh ok, so does that mean you are still thinking about going out with him or feeling like you've missed out if he is not wanting to pursue you? I don't get why you felt it was important in the context of this thread to point out that he's successful. Sorry just trying to understand better so I can comment better. I think if you mean "Would be nice to skip that", you mean that you still consider him on your dating list? I know you and i keep talking about standards on your various threads and I wondering if you don't have enough information to know whether or not he measures up to yours? In my mind it's a no brainer. If you believe what the majority of people are saying, (he's a jerk, etc), then no i wouldn't think he measures up. If you believe what I'm saying (i think I'm alone on this one), that he's made his conclusion about you and it's not good, then that alone should be good enough to walk away. Why would you want to change the mind of someone who's got you pegged wrong? As my post above states, I think I know where he got the idea. Unfortunate mistake but it WAS a loaded question. Obviously if the dating site experience was wonderful, you wouldn't still be looking for dates on there (same as him!). I think a vague, no answer, answer is what is called for in this situation. Same as the old: why are you still single???? in first few minutes of a date. Just give something positive and general, that makes them want to rise to the occasion. BTW, the fact that a lot of guys ask this question, should let you know how they think. There is a bias to hear what is wrong with you (and you did walk right into the trap BTW). I think that's what the others are finding wrong with this guy. Reality is that it is not an uncommon question or point of view. They are giving you the opening to TELL THEM: be the guy that's good enough to make me want to settle down, and maybe I will. Something along the lines of: if I met a person special enough to make me want to change that I would. And hopefully, he will be like (in his head): challenge accepted. Just some thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Yes I can see your point. And I know all those rules already. When I messaged him I had just blocked 2 idiots I was frustrated. I also use humor to ease frustration so I started funny and became sarcastic. But other than that comment all of our conversation was positive. I get that you have a great sense of humor but maybe there are better places to use it. Where it absolutely will be seen as a positive (most if not all people will think that), rather than misconstrue some negative things about you. 100% honesty is not required here on this question. Also even if you are frustrated with something in your life, bring the best of yourself to each dating interaction if you are going to do it at all. This as minor as it was, would be considered baggage and alludes to a negative outlook. You don't want to show that you get hysterical or emotional about some other stupid people. All interactions at beginning, there is no reason that they should be anything other than fun and enjoyable. Just because you wouldn't have ruled him out for a comment like yours, doesn't mean he would react same as you would (nor is he wrong for doing it). He's applying his standards. In fact, if someone had said something like that to me, I would also rule them out so don't underestimate it even if rest of convo went well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoftViolin Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 He said that out of the blue between 'how old are your kids' and 'boy or girl' question. Well, he does indeed sound not only awkward, but somewhat insecure/afraid/tentative - many possibilities. A self-assured person would probably not make a comment like that. I agree with Gary - don't over-analyze everything you said. It is easy to misinterpret in the messages, initial messages especially. There's no person-to-person interaction to back that up - and if that interaction is all this, otherwise well pedigreed person, is going to go on, it stings - but oh well... Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 He may have interpreted it like you've been with a lot of men and dismissed them all ... therefore, you are either not really looking for anything serious, or you are too picky....and might dismiss him too. Just a guess.... Yes, I forgot to say that men want what lots of other guys WANT but cannot have, ie only he has key to unlock you. So you have to be very careful when you draw attention to your desirability (lots of guys like you) and how many were able to make their way in and how many were successful dating scenarios. Like it or not, by answering the question the way you did you just gave him the Cliff Notes on tons of other guys experiences with you. He doesn't know or care about the guys and will only attribute what he is learning in this answer to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 This guy doesn't think on his feet. Even if this is about her mentioning that her blocked list is longer than favorites, she was talking to him! Instead of capitalizing on it, he basically sabotaged it. If he had a brain, he would have said something like "well, you are at the top of my favorites list" or "you won't be sorry if you put me on your favorites list". Even if the fact that she was joking was ambiguous, why make such a neagtive statement? It was an insult. He's not very smooth, that's for sure. In my book, there's not a lot of room for "error" in OLD. If you are the genuine article, you can't F it up. It's really easy to hit that block button. If a guy wants a chance from OLD, he needs to have his cyber-game on . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 (edited) I get that you have a great sense of humor but maybe there are better places to use it. Where it absolutely will be seen as a positive (most if not all people will think that), rather than misconstrue some negative things about you. 100% honesty is not required here on this question. Also even if you are frustrated with something in your life, bring the best of yourself to each dating interaction if you are going to do it at all. This as minor as it was, would be considered baggage and alludes to a negative outlook. You don't want to show that you get hysterical or emotional about some other stupid people. All interactions at beginning, there is no reason that they should be anything other than fun and enjoyable. Just because you wouldn't have ruled him out for a comment like yours, doesn't mean he would react same as you would (nor is he wrong for doing it). He's applying his standards. In fact, if someone had said something like that to me, I would also rule them out so don't underestimate it even if rest of convo went well. Let's not be too hard on Gaeta.... she made a joke, big whoop. Probably shouldn't have but nevertheless.... he was a judgmental and arrogant (presumptuous) jerk (IMO) for PRESUMING she wasn't looking for serious based on ONE off the cuff comment. Who does this? And even if her joke DID turn him off, who tells a woman this? Most men would just respectfully move on... Sounds like he has a REAL ax to grind with women in general.... and how he feels has little, if nothing, to do with you in particular Gaeta. You (and your joke) were the just the scapegoat. Just next.... but next time maybe save the jokes and sarcasm for AFTER you meet! LOL ((hugs)) Edited September 3, 2015 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 This guy doesn't think on his feet. Even if this is about her mentioning that her blocked list is longer than favorites, she was talking to him! Instead of capitalizing on it, he basically sabotaged it. If he had a brain, he would have said something like "well, you are at the top of my favorites list" or "you won't be sorry if you put me on your favorites list". Even if the fact that she was joking was ambiguous, why make such a neagtive statement? It was an insult. He's not very smooth, that's for sure. In my book, there's not a lot of room for "error" in OLD. If you are the genuine article, you can't F it up. It's really easy to hit that block button. If a guy wants a chance from OLD, he needs to have his cyber-game on . Really? Sorry I don't agree. I don't think it was a smart dating comment to make of the OP. Saying you have a lot of blocked people sounds like she doesn't have good judgement, discretion and things go to drama. Just because we like Gaeta, doesn't mean we can keep blowing smoke and ripping all her dates to shreds when it won't help her get what she wants: a relationship. Other side of the coin, if you say stuff like that it's another form of not having good judgement socially. I think she shouldn't have said that. He was quick to dismiss her but he asked one of the most common dating questions (that's where he could stand to get more smooth if you ask me) and she blew it. I'm all for building up OP's confidence where and when it is needed but this is a situation with hard facts and as an outsider, in analyzing this, I can see clearly why he did what he did. Sorry, Gaeta. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 There's no reason to be hard on Gaeta. This guy has a "hard on" about women. He showed her who he was "straight up" . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Really? Sorry I don't agree. I don't think it was a smart dating comment to make of the OP. Saying you have a lot of blocked people sounds like she doesn't have good judgement, discretion and things go to drama. Okay V, let's assume you are correct and it was that one comment/joke that turned him off. I suggested the same myself. What type of man announces his reservations in such a blunt (and rude) fashion to a woman he's only chatted with on line? Why not just respectfully move on and cease contact? I mean, did he REALLY have to announce his thoughts re her being a woman who toys with men's feelings? Not looking for anything serious? Was this necessary? I don't think so!! I think he has an ax to grind with women.....and Gaeta was the scapegoat. I agree Gaeta, please save the sarcasm until at least after you meet. But his behavior with respect to how he rejected her was really out of line and NOT necessary. They had never even met for chrissakes. Just move on! Which is what YOU should Gaeta....don't give this bozo a second thought. Pfft. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 oh ok, so does that mean you are still thinking about going out with him or feeling like you've missed out if he is not wanting to pursue you? I don't know at this point but I would like another conversation. He's on a business trip so I can't meet him tomorrow if I'd want to. I don't get why you felt it was important in the context of this thread to point out that he's successful. Sorry just trying to understand better so I can comment better. Because it seems to me that I rarely speak to someone that has his act together, that is articulate, has some general culture, that has a decent job-salary or even a decent car. I think if you mean "Would be nice to skip that", you mean that you still consider him on your dating list? I know you and i keep talking about standards on your various threads and I wondering if you don't have enough information to know whether or not he measures up to yours? I want to skip downplaying who I am so the man in front of me doesn't feel threaten or insecure. I want to say 'I do this for living and I love my job and it's exciting and I have all kinds of new challenges all the time, I love it when my boss gives me a new company and I have to reorganize it from top to bottom and make it profitable' In my mind it's a no brainer. If you believe what the majority of people are saying, (he's a jerk, etc), then no i wouldn't think he measures up. If you believe what I'm saying (i think I'm alone on this one), that he's made his conclusion about you and it's not good, It didn't feel like it. He was very nice the rest of the conversation. He said he was looking forward to talk to me again and to contact him and let him know when I'm free. Something along the lines of: if I met a person special enough to make me want to change that I would. And hopefully, he will be like (in his head): challenge accepted. Just some thoughts I like that Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Really? Sorry I don't agree. I don't think it was a smart dating comment to make of the OP. Saying you have a lot of blocked people sounds like she doesn't have good judgement, discretion and things go to drama. Just because we like Gaeta, doesn't mean we can keep blowing smoke and ripping all her dates to shreds when it won't help her get what she wants: a relationship. Other side of the coin, if you say stuff like that it's another form of not having good judgement socially. I think she shouldn't have said that. He was quick to dismiss her but he asked one of the most common dating questions (that's where he could stand to get more smooth if you ask me) and she blew it. I'm all for building up OP's confidence where and when it is needed but this is a situation with hard facts and as an outsider, in analyzing this, I can see clearly why he did what he did. Sorry, Gaeta. I do agree that humor sometimes doesn't translate well online sometimes. However, Gaeta did ask him why he felt that way, and he said he didn't really know. Just a vibe. If he had explained himself better, she coukd have said she was being sarcastic at least. He made a snap judgement. So, basically, they bad vibed each other. They both blew it really. I'm kinda on the fence in this case. She could reach out again and say something like "hey, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot . . . Etc. I just don't like that statement. I don't care what prompted it. She didn't say anything negative about him or imply that he was next. He read into it and off handedly. I wonder how long his blocked/favorites lists are? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 It didn't feel like it. He was very nice the rest of the conversation. He said he was looking forward to talk to me again and to contact him and let him know when I'm free. Hmmmm I apologize....apparently I misunderstood....I thought he had rejected you ... (see below from your initial post) >>Then he said he cannot pin point why but I come across as a woman that plays with men's feelings and added he apologize for being forward but he's really looking for someone serious. To me it sounded like he was writing you off...but it appears I was wrong about that.... Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I do agree that humor sometimes doesn't translate well online sometimes. However, Gaeta did ask him why he felt that way, and he said he didn't really know. Just a vibe. If he had explained himself better, she coukd have said she was being sarcastic at least. He made a snap judgement. So, basically, they bad vibed each other. They both blew it really. I'm kinda on the fence in this case. She could reach out again and say something like "hey, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot . . . Etc. I just don't like that statement. I don't care what prompted it. She didn't say anything negative about him or imply that he was next. He read into it and off handedly. I wonder how long his blocked/favorites lists are? I'm with you here Red. His comments would have given ME a bad vibe and HE would be on MY next list.... Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Two possibilities: 1) he's projecting. (as has been said already) or 2) he's attempting to put you on the defensive, which comes across to me as manipulative. Either way, strong pass. And then, what kind of guy puts a lot of identifying employment info on his profile? An insecure guy. Another strong pass IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I must be wired differently because I did not feel offended at his comment. I felt curious as to why I had given him this vibe. Between you all and I, I have a hard time with this dating and I want to know how I come across to these men. I have typed his exact words in my post 24. Our conversation continued for 30 minutes and it was nice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm serious about the lists. How many people who are on OLD have favorites lists that are longer than their blocked list -- apart from the people who are desperate and indiscriminate? Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I don't know at this point but I would like another conversation. He's on a business trip so I can't meet him tomorrow if I'd want to. Because it seems to me that I rarely speak to someone that has his act together, that is articulate, has some general culture, that has a decent job-salary or even a decent car. I want to skip downplaying who I am so the man in front of me doesn't feel threaten or insecure. I want to say 'I do this for living and I love my job and it's exciting and I have all kinds of new challenges all the time, I love it when my boss gives me a new company and I have to reorganize it from top to bottom and make it profitable' YES THIS PART I UNDERSTOOD AND AGREE--AS A QUALITY SOMEONE POSSESSES It didn't feel like it. He was very nice the rest of the conversation. He said he was looking forward to talk to me again and to contact him and let him know when I'm free. I like that Hmmm, I confused. I guess I need to go back to the beginning. So after he said he doesn't want to pursue anything with you then he still intends to stay in touch and vice versa. Was he just kind of musing while he was saying that or it was kind of a little seductive? here's the thing I would be cautious of him altogether. Here's why: now he's told you directly he wants something serious and essentially doesn't think you are it. He EVEN got you to kind of say it with the blocked other guys. So he's set the scenario. For most people, you are lowering your standards to continue talking to someone who you can see potential with in their qualities and what they have on paper but did not treat YOU well. In the end, how they treat you is all that really matters. Once he knows you will allow this sort of behavior with him and still date him, it usually goes downhill from there. Ok well we will see what happens when he gets in touch and how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm serious about the lists. How many people who are on OLD have favorites lists that are longer than their blocked list -- apart from the people who are desperate and indiscriminate? To me, all she did was state the obvious . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Hmmm, I confused. I guess I need to go back to the beginning. So after he said he doesn't want to pursue anything with you then he still intends to stay in touch and vice versa. Was he just kind of musing while he was saying that or it was kind of a little seductive? here's the thing I would be cautious of him altogether. Here's why: now he's told you directly he wants something serious and essentially doesn't think you are it. He EVEN got you to kind of say it with the blocked other guys. So he's set the scenario. For most people, you are lowering your standards to continue talking to someone who you can see potential with in their qualities and what they have on paper but did not treat YOU well. In the end, how they treat you is all that really matters. Once he knows you will allow this sort of behavior with him and still date him, it usually goes downhill from there. Ok well we will see what happens when he gets in touch and how you feel. oh la la! Wait, it might be the language barrier here. I contacted him with a joke. He came back laughing and said he was looking for a serious relationship. We talked about banalities for 2 minutes He asked how was my search I made the bad joke We talked about banalities for 2 minutes He said see post 24 I said not at all, I don't know why you picked that vibe, I am serious in my search. And we kept on talking for 30 minutes and he never made another comment about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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