Author laelithia Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 He simply doesn't intend for you to stay the night. He may be somewhat interested for now - but he's not "all in" by being transparent with you. And when a guy isn't up front and offering honesty - I have to conclude that he has things he wants hidden from me. Next time he asks - consider saying you're busy. This is very true. I doubt I will even hear from him again. I sent him a text last night asking when he was free this week, and he has not responded still
Karimikui Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 So sorry this has happened to you OP. If he contacts you again I think you should tell him where to go. He's not worthy of your time or attention. 1
Author laelithia Posted September 23, 2015 Author Posted September 23, 2015 Thanks everyone for your advice and support. It's been so helpful! He did message me back to say he's available on Thursday. I haven't responded yet and am not sure if I will at all
Jules Dash Posted September 23, 2015 Posted September 23, 2015 Thanks everyone for your advice and support. It's been so helpful! He did message me back to say he's available on Thursday. I haven't responded yet and am not sure if I will at all This guy really sounds a lot like how I tend to behave. I don't think you did any thing wrong. I wouldn't ignore his text. I would just be straight foward in what you are looking for with him. He either will be down with it or not. The whole booty call thing is nothing. You showed your interest. Nothing is wrong with that. 1
IronZ Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Usually I notice girls tend to slow down texting conversation when they lose interest, but I've had cases where they just would rather save conversations for in person. Who knows what's going on through someone else's head. Might as well just ask.
Author laelithia Posted November 27, 2015 Author Posted November 27, 2015 So sad to read through this thread months later. We officially ended things a week ago. After I pushed for "the talk" in a horrible way and at a bad time he admitted to not being over an ex. I just don't understand if that's the case, why did we meet each other's friends and family and spend so much time together? I think regardless if that was true or not he truly is EU. The worst part is he's now said "Not ignoring you. Not trying to be rude. But yah, maybe we should give this a few weeks before circling back and figuring what we are exactly." I don't understand how he could be so cold when he knows everything I'm going through... Thank goodness for Adele in these moments! Hello on repeat
Gaeta Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 So sad to read through this thread months later. We officially ended things a week ago. After I pushed for "the talk" in a horrible way and at a bad time he admitted to not being over an ex. I just don't understand if that's the case, why did we meet each other's friends and family and spend so much time together? I think regardless if that was true or not he truly is EU. The worst part is he's now said "Not ignoring you. Not trying to be rude. But yah, maybe we should give this a few weeks before circling back and figuring what we are exactly." I don't understand how he could be so cold when he knows everything I'm going through... Thank goodness for Adele in these moments! Hello on repeat I'm very sorry for your disappointment. Looking back can you see how it was written all over the place he was not invested in this relationship? Use this as a learning experience. Don't wait for him. He's never been into you and he's not going to grow into you. Block him and move on. Next time put your efforts in a man that is into you. A man that wants to see you often and communicates with you on daily basis. I may sound harsh and I am sorry. I have done that mistake myself too many times. Now I don't give the time of the day to a man that is half hearted about me. There is enough men on this planet for me to not waste my time on the luckywarm. 1
Author laelithia Posted November 28, 2015 Author Posted November 28, 2015 I'm very sorry for your disappointment. Looking back can you see how it was written all over the place he was not invested in this relationship? Use this as a learning experience. Don't wait for him. He's never been into you and he's not going to grow into you. Block him and move on. Next time put your efforts in a man that is into you. A man that wants to see you often and communicates with you on daily basis. I may sound harsh and I am sorry. I have done that mistake myself too many times. Now I don't give the time of the day to a man that is half hearted about me. There is enough men on this planet for me to not waste my time on the luckywarm. You are completely right. I had hoped for better, but it was clear from day 1 he didn't value me the way I had wanted. I'm so hurt that he met my whole family, especially since he knew my mom is fighting terminal cancer right now. I'm horrified that since things ended, she tried to me a support to ME during this time. I suppose I can't blame him, since it was clear he never wanted a relationship with me so I never should have introduced him to them. However he kept saying he wanted to meet them and I believed him. Another dissapointment I have in myself is that I believe I was quite shallow in picking this individual to invest in. Specifically, he was very good looking, professionally successful, and wealthy. He acted for a while like a gentleman, but as soon as I began standing up for myself and asserting boundaries, he gave a lame excuse and left. I'm now taking an indefinite break from dating to spend time with my family, which actually is a bit of a relief 1
Author laelithia Posted November 28, 2015 Author Posted November 28, 2015 (edited) On another note, I'm reading "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" from Baggage Reclaim and so far it's been very enlightening Edited November 28, 2015 by laelithia 1
Gaeta Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 You are completely right. I had hoped for better, but it was clear from day 1 he didn't value me the way I had wanted. I'm so hurt that he met my whole family, especially since he knew my mom is fighting terminal cancer right now. I'm horrified that since things ended, she tried to me a support to ME during this time. I suppose I can't blame him, since it was clear he never wanted a relationship with me so I never should have introduced him to them. However he kept saying he wanted to meet them and I believed him. Another dissapointment I have in myself is that I believe I was quite shallow in picking this individual to invest in. Specifically, he was very good looking, professionally successful, and wealthy. He acted for a while like a gentleman, but as soon as I began standing up for myself and asserting boundaries, he gave a lame excuse and left. I'm now taking an indefinite break from dating to spend time with my family, which actually is a bit of a relief I'm so sorry about your mom. I can't imagine how difficult this is as I am lucky to still have both my parents. Men can wait, mom can't. Be brave for her. 2
Author laelithia Posted November 28, 2015 Author Posted November 28, 2015 I'm so sorry about your mom. I can't imagine how difficult this is as I am lucky to still have both my parents. Men can wait, mom can't. Be brave for her. Thank you. Can I ask, what were all the red flags you noticed early on with this guy? You definitely caught on faster than I did.
Gaeta Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 Thank you. Can I ask, what were all the red flags you noticed early on with this guy? You definitely caught on faster than I did. He rarely contacted you between dates. That's your red flag and it was there from the beginning. I have experienced it and it always meant the man wasn't into me enough or he was only looking for casual. His casual meant being super nice during dates, complimenting etc but it stopped there. I have been a member of this forum for a few years now and I can say that almost all of the thread about people not communicating between dated ended up being a disappointment. Laelithia, a man that likes you for real will be in your face with it. He will contact you on daily basis and rarely skip a day an this from the beginning. He would never let days go by without talking to you. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 (edited) Didn't read all, wow, 10 pages, but I have a male friend of mine that says he only texts to set up dates...no idle chit chat. Example: "Want to do Sushi?" Her: Sure, where? Him: <Name of Sushi restaurant> when is good for you? Her: Wed night Him: How's 7 pm sound? Her: Good. Him: Okay, I'll pick you up at 6:45. And that's that. He told me that he read this article involving this kind of very thing. To just "chat" takes away an element of mystery away. He even suggests this is how some guys wind up in the friend zone if they continue to idle chit chat. To him, it' s a method of keeping a woman interested. This is advice from him to me, at least for the beginning stages of dating. Now if you're a long time couple, it's a diff. story. Edited November 30, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst
hippychick3 Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 Didn't read all, wow, 10 pages, but I have a male friend of mine that says he only texts to set up dates...no idle chit chat. Example: "Want to do Sushi?" Her: Sure, where? Him: <Name of Sushi restaurant> when is good for you? Her: Wed night Him: How's 7 pm sound? Her: Good. Him: Okay, I'll pick you up at 6:45. And that's that. He told me that he read this article involving this kind of very thing. To just "chat" takes away an element of mystery away. He even suggests this is how some guys wind up in the friend zone if they continue to idle chit chat. To him, it' s a method of keeping a woman interested. This is advice from him to me, at least for the beginning stages of dating. Now if you're a long time couple, it's a diff. story. This kind of behavior did NOT keep me interested when I was dating. A guy who didn't keep regular and consistent communication between dates was perceived as not interested enough and NEXTED. There are enough guys out there who do communicate between dates so there was no desire from me to mess the guys who didn't and have to wonder about their interest levels in me.
Gaeta Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 Didn't read all, wow, 10 pages, but I have a male friend of mine that says he only texts to set up dates...no idle chit chat. Example: "Want to do Sushi?" Her: Sure, where? Him: <Name of Sushi restaurant> when is good for you? Her: Wed night Him: How's 7 pm sound? Her: Good. Him: Okay, I'll pick you up at 6:45. And that's that. He told me that he read this article involving this kind of very thing. To just "chat" takes away an element of mystery away. He even suggests this is how some guys wind up in the friend zone if they continue to idle chit chat. To him, it' s a method of keeping a woman interested. This is advice from him to me, at least for the beginning stages of dating. Now if you're a long time couple, it's a diff. story. Your friend is shooting himself in the foot witb his theory. OP and this guy had been dating since July, that's 4 months. I would neve endured this 4 months. A man needs to show where he stands after 3-4 dates or a month dating.
FeelingFireworks Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 Well i agree with both LookAtThisPost and hippychick3!! I get that communication is personal, but I think a gentle mixture of both is what appeals to me. I personally don't like idle chit chat in v early stages. I simply prefer to see the guy and chat properly with him then. i think thats where the real proof of the pudding is. If a guy is consistent enough to show up and do it regularly, he's demonstrating his ability to be a do-er which is so important to me. As for communication in early stages for me: short and sweet, quality over quantity. Examples would be to set up dates, wish me good luck on a test, check how I've been getting on especially if there's a delay between dates etc. Regularity has to be reasonable though. I don't dig Back and forth texting marathons, hour long phone calls and even sometimes can be a bit funny about daily contact. they either remove the mystery prematurely or speed up the rate of intimacy before you *really* know the person. It also presents opportunities to those skilled in the art of lip service to keep a person dangling for months on end. As time goes on, the way I/we communicate will likely change to suit the dynamic we develop. As long as that's an organic process that feels natural then that's good enough for me.
Author laelithia Posted November 30, 2015 Author Posted November 30, 2015 Your friend is shooting himself in the foot witb his theory. OP and this guy had been dating since July, that's 4 months. I would neve endured this 4 months. A man needs to show where he stands after 3-4 dates or a month dating. I got confused in that we time went on, he did contact me daily. We were snapchat "best friends" and he would often send me pictures and texts throughout the day. I'm so confused as to if I messed things up by being insecure or not. Totally lost on that front... I had thought things were going well but clearly they weren't. I'm so saddened by this and the possibility of me perhaps sabotaging another relationship or perhaps it never would have taken off anyway. The parts that confuse me is that his communication did improve, he introduced me to friends and family and vice versa, and always seemed to me interested in me. I guess he could still have been EU with doing those thing things... Just makes things that much more confusing to me
Musician1985 Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 Laelitha, In my opinion, asking the right questions is important. There is a time and place for everything. I think after dating him all these months and sleeping with him, you need to be sure you are looking out for yourself. I don't think that you can blame yourself for having wants and needs. And if you ask this guy and he doesn't have the guts to answer to what you are looking for, then he isn't the right guy for you. 3
Author laelithia Posted November 30, 2015 Author Posted November 30, 2015 Laelitha, In my opinion, asking the right questions is important. There is a time and place for everything. I think after dating him all these months and sleeping with him, you need to be sure you are looking out for yourself. I don't think that you can blame yourself for having wants and needs. And if you ask this guy and he doesn't have the guts to answer to what you are looking for, then he isn't the right guy for you. This is true. I suppose my delivery (choice of words and timing) left a lot to be desired, but if he truly wanted to be with me at all or even give a real relationship a shot, it wouldn't have changed the outcome. I just have to keep telling myself that! I guess I just get caught in this rumination loop in that if I had handled it better, built a stronger connection, and let things flow the outcome would have been different. That line of thinking just serves to drive me insane though. I need to learn to let go and move on I think 1
Musician1985 Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 I guess I just get caught in this rumination loop Yep. If he was a real sport, he would accept your line of questioning, and even if it was "wrong", which I don't think it is, he would go with it and try to work it out with you.
Author laelithia Posted December 1, 2015 Author Posted December 1, 2015 He's been in contact with me and even asked me to come over (I'm sure drunkenly) over the weekend. It's extremely frustrating because he will reach out and contact me, and then when I answer he'll ignore it. It's very frustrating and I hate feeling like he's on top. I'm so disappointed in him, his character seemed so drastically different before and I just don't understand what happened
thecrucible Posted December 1, 2015 Posted December 1, 2015 It just goes to show that some people will lock you in by creating a false sense of security and are quite happy to do things which would usually be a sign of a serious relationship (like meeting parents etc) but have no intention of it going anywhere. I dated a guy exactly like the one you are describing. What Gaeta says here is a response that I would usually have considered quite black and white. I am fully on board with this now however. I've learned the hard way. As I said I dated a guy like this. I got really frustrated eventually and told him I'd like to hear from him more but it never really happened. He was never prepared to make any kind of effort other than to set up dates. I took the wrong advice at the time, the advice that I should take things at his pace, that it would probably improve. But as I learned, he only saw me as a casual distraction. The best thing for me was to cut him out completely by going no contact and blocking him everywhere. He still emails me now 2 years later wanting to start up a conversation but I just can't bring myself to do it. OP, I hope things work out for you. You will realise that you dodged a bullet if you haven't done already. 2
Author laelithia Posted December 2, 2015 Author Posted December 2, 2015 It just goes to show that some people will lock you in by creating a false sense of security and are quite happy to do things which would usually be a sign of a serious relationship (like meeting parents etc) but have no intention of it going anywhere. I dated a guy exactly like the one you are describing. What Gaeta says here is a response that I would usually have considered quite black and white. I am fully on board with this now however. I've learned the hard way. As I said I dated a guy like this. I got really frustrated eventually and told him I'd like to hear from him more but it never really happened. He was never prepared to make any kind of effort other than to set up dates. I took the wrong advice at the time, the advice that I should take things at his pace, that it would probably improve. But as I learned, he only saw me as a casual distraction. The best thing for me was to cut him out completely by going no contact and blocking him everywhere. He still emails me now 2 years later wanting to start up a conversation but I just can't bring myself to do it. OP, I hope things work out for you. You will realise that you dodged a bullet if you haven't done already. I don't know why, but I have this overwhelming desire to ask him what happened. I know it would do no good and he wouldn't answer honestly or at all, but I feel like somehow an explanation would help me get over this. I just don't get how for 3 months we spent so much time together and then suddenly after one conversation we don't speak at all. Did I really mean that little to him?
mattelipstick Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 I don't know why, but I have this overwhelming desire to ask him what happened. I know it would do no good and he wouldn't answer honestly or at all, but I feel like somehow an explanation would help me get over this. I just don't get how for 3 months we spent so much time together and then suddenly after one conversation we don't speak at all. Did I really mean that little to him? Pleeeeeeeeease don't do this.
katiegrl Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 He's been in contact with me and even asked me to come over (I'm sure drunkenly) over the weekend. It's extremely frustrating because he will reach out and contact me, and then when I answer he'll ignore it. It's very frustrating and I hate feeling like he's on top. I'm so disappointed in him, his character seemed so drastically different before and I just don't understand what happened laelithia there is a very simple solution to this (bolded). When he reaches out, DON'T answer him. I mean what's the point? You KNOW he will only ignore it, making you feel worse. So why respond at all? He is only "on top" because YOU have put him there. 1
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