He only contacts to set up dates?

[katiegrl]

I would even go so far to say, the OP's guy could be looking for a relationship, and if she had asked him (generally speaking) he would say yes.

 

Just not with her, as his actions reflect....so he keeps seeing her, having sex with her casually, until he does meet a woman he wants a RL with.

 

THAT is why he was still on line searching!

[Gaeta]

I think because, even though someone might be seeking casual at first, after actually meeting someone and clicking/connecting...that could change, and you from wanting something casual to something leading to more serious ....with THAT person.

 

Isn't that what happened with the OP?

 

At first she was seeking casual, then she met *this* man, clicked, etc, and realized she wanted something more *with him*.

 

Problem is, he did not feel the same about her, but he *might* have.... feelings, what you want, etc, could all change once you actually meet someone in person.

 

 

I think there is a difference between asking someone what he is seeking and what he is seeking with me.

 

You ask in a very first conversation what are you seeking on this dating site.

 

After dating for a while you can ask what are you seeking with ME but I would not ask a man after 4 dates what he is seeking with ME. That would be asking him something he doesn't know the answer yet.

 

In OP's case she got caught in the game. She thought she could do casual but now after a couple of dates and sex she realizes she is not a good candidate for casual.

 

I think this is on that angle she should talk to this man.

 

She should tell him: John, after some time spent with you I am realizing I am not comfortable with this casual dating and us still being online and all. I would like to know what type of dating you were looking for.

[katiegrl]

I think there is a difference between asking someone what he is seeking and what he is seeking with me.

 

You ask in a very first conversation what are you seeking on this dating site.

 

After dating for a while you can ask what are you seeking with ME but I would not ask a man after 4 dates what he is seeking with ME. That would be asking him something he doesn't know the answer yet.

 

In OP's case she got caught in the game. She thought she could do casual but now after a couple of dates and sex she realizes she is not a good candidate for casual.

 

I think this is on that angle she should talk to this man.

 

She should tell him: John, after some time spent with you I am realizing I am not comfortable with this casual dating and us still being online and all. I would like to know what type of dating you were looking for.

 

I agree. I think you need to date a man a few times, and observe his behavior with YOU (as Redhead would say) to know what he is seeking with YOU (generic you).

 

After four dates, the OP knows.

 

Next.

[katiegrl]

 

She should tell him: John, after some time spent with you I am realizing I am not comfortable with this casual dating and us still being online and all. I would like to know what type of dating you were looking for.

 

I realize we all should do what's right for us...but I wouldn't ask him anything at this point.

 

 

He has given her enough info to know he is only wanting casual (with her) -- especially after the fiasco last night...if you have to ask....the answer is rarely, if ever, what you want it to be, so what's the point of asking in the first place.

 

 

It's only been four dates....just tell him this is not the right situation for you, and wish him well.

 

 

That is what I would do anyway....but again of course the OP should do and say whatever SHE is comfortable doing (and saying).

[Gary S]

As this thread has evolved, I see that katiegirl and gaeta and some others are right........ since you two have already been intimate, the relationship should be more serious at this point... you should be talking more, at the least. I smell a player. Listen to Katiegirl.

 

(however, don't judge solely on online status - those indicators can be wrong.)

[Gaeta]

As this thread has evolved, I see that katiegirl and gaeta and some others are right........ since you two have already been intimate, the relationship should be more serious at this point... you should be talking more, at the least. I smell a player. Listen to Katiegirl.

 

(however, don't judge solely on online status - those indicators can be wrong.)

 

I have been through it often enough to recognize the pattern.

[katiegrl]

I realize we all should do what's right for us...but I wouldn't ask him anything at this point.

 

 

He has given her enough info to know he is only wanting casual (with her) -- especially after the fiasco last night...if you have to ask....the answer is rarely, if ever, what you want it to be, so what's the point of asking in the first place.

 

 

It's only been four dates....just tell him this is not the right situation for you, and wish him well.

 

 

That is what I would do anyway....but again of course the OP should do and say whatever SHE is comfortable doing (and saying).

 

 

Laelithia - have you decided what your next course of action will be...and what, if anything, you plan on saying to him?

[katiegrl]

I have been through it often enough to recognize the pattern.

 

And I'm just really smart....haha --- JUST KIDDING!!! :)

[Gary S]

Originally, I only read the first post in the thread..... it's only in the second post where she says how serious it is, that they've been intimate.

 

Yeah, I would expect some more text/calls after that (as geata said), and often (not always) more than one date a week. I'd also like to have seen him text/call the day after their first night of intimacy.

[laelithia]

Laelithia - have you decided what your next course of action will be...and what, if anything, you plan on saying to him?

 

I'm very unsure of what I want to do is the short answer. I've done some thinking and I realized I have been sabatoging my relationships from the get go by trying to create too much intimacy (both physical and emotional) too soon. I've 100% done that here by expecting a lot of communication and exclusivity early on via sleeping with someone too soon.

 

As many of you mentioned, it's too early to back pedal now, with this particular person but I cannot blame him for his actions. If anyone set the pace for things to be casual, it was me. I am not defending his actions at all, just more aware of my behaviour now.

 

He messaged me a selfie earlier today and said he missed the request last night and that he's feeling a bit hung over. I haven't responded yet, still deciding what I would like out of this. I'm leaning towards responding but not initiating another date. Ideally I would like the opportunity to see him again to have a conversation about everything that's been discussed in this thread, as well as to return the sweater he lent to me. I think I've learned a lot of lessons here, ironically mostly about me and my behaviour rather than his

[Gaeta]

I'm very unsure of what I want to do is the short answer. I've done some thinking and I realized I have been sabatoging my relationships from the get go by trying to create too much intimacy (both physical and emotional) too soon. I've 100% done that here by expecting a lot of communication and exclusivity early on via sleeping with someone too soon.

 

As many of you mentioned, it's too early to back pedal now, with this particular person but I cannot blame him for his actions. If anyone set the pace for things to be casual, it was me. I am not defending his actions at all, just more aware of my behaviour now.

 

He messaged me a selfie earlier today and said he missed the request last night and that he's feeling a bit hung over. I haven't responded yet, still deciding what I would like out of this. I'm leaning towards responding but not initiating another date. Ideally I would like the opportunity to see him again to have a conversation about everything that's been discussed in this thread, as well as to return the sweater he lent to me. I think I've learned a lot of lessons here, ironically mostly about me and my behaviour rather than his

 

 

What I do when I really don't know what direction to take is that I do nothing. I let the situation unfold a little longer to see what direction it will take. I don't try to influence it in anyway. Relationships have a life of their own.

 

In a week time you will see clearer. If it is a friend with benefit situation for him it will become even more obvious to you.

 

In some situations it's better you let him show you who he is than ask him who he is.

[joseb]

Thanks for your replies everyone!

 

Gaeta, you are right, I was looking for casual. That being said, I was not at all expecting to meet someone like him so early on that I could really see myself being with.

 

OP, do you think you met a really awesome guy, or is it maybe because you are just out of a relationship that you are not really able to see objectively?

 

90% of people on here seem to jump straight into dating ridiculously quickly after a breakup.

[laelithia]

What I do when I really don't know what direction to take is that I do nothing. I let the situation unfold a little longer to see what direction it will take. I don't try to influence it in anyway. Relationships have a life of their own.

 

In a week time you will see clearer. If it is a friend with benefit situation for him it will become even more obvious to you.

 

In some situations it's better you let him show you who he is than ask him who he is.

 

I think this is very good advice. I often get caught up in feeling like I have to solve things or make them happen. It's a relief in mindset not to feel like I do anymore. As cheesy as it sounds, I don't feel like I'm the same person that started this thread. I'm ready now to pay better attention to what I want and the things that I do rather than others (especially people that I'm dating)

[joseb]

People on here tend to go from one extreme to the other.

 

There is a middle between getting 1 call a week to set up 1 date and chatting yourself to death between dates.

 

I believe a man that has an interest in me, more than banging me, will touch base between dates. He will remember things that are important to me like 'good luck today with that meeting' or 'did you have a fun at dinner with the girls last night'.

 

Yes i think this is spot on. I am not a big texter, and i hate incessent pointless texting between dates (or with anyone for that matter) but i will usually be reminded of something we talked about and drop her a text now and then between dates.

[laelithia]

OP, do you think you met a really awesome guy, or is it maybe because you are just out of a relationship that you are not really able to see objectively?

 

90% of people on here seem to jump straight into dating ridiculously quickly after a breakup.

 

Possibly. This guy is "perfect" on paper though (master's degree when he was 26, high profile job since then- I googled him haha, travelled the world, volunteered with sick kids in Africa, etc.) but who knows if he's right for me. All I know is he seems to be a good person. He could easily be a player as well though.

 

He did ask me what I'm doing tonight. I'm not sure what to say since I have another date..... (Guy from eharmony I've been talking to for 2 weeks, never met)

Edited September 2, 2015 by laelithia

[Gaeta]

He did ask me what I'm doing tonight. I'm not sure what to say since I have another date..... (Guy from eharmony I've been talking to for 2 weeks, never met)

 

Tell him you cannot tonight you have something. He doesn't need to know the details he's not your boyfriend and he doesn't deserve an explanation anyway, he has not made himself important to you enough for that.

[joseb]

Possibly. This guy is "perfect" on paper though (master's degree when he was 26, high profile job since then- I googled him haha, travelled the world, volunteered with sick kids in Africa, etc.) but who knows if he's right for me. All I know is he seems to be a good person. He could easily be a player as well though.

 

He did ask me what I'm doing tonight. I'm not sure what to say since I have another date..... (Guy from eharmony I've been talking to for 2 weeks, never met)

 

He does sound like a good guy on paper.

 

Ok, i think that its good that you are going on other dates.

 

But I do think it smakes a bit of double standards that you feel its ok for you to chat with a guy online but get pissed off thinking this guy is keeping his options open.

[laelithia]

I told him I was going for dinner (didn't specify who with) and he offered to meet up for a night cap. I'm wondering if he considers this a booty call or he's trying to make an effort to see me. I figure I can either decline, or accept and even if he does consider it a booty call, use it as an opportunity to have a chat with him.

 

And yes, I am being hypocritical. I had quit talking to the eharmony guy when I was more into this one, but my doubts of his intentions led me to contacting him again.

[losangelena]

I told him I was going for dinner (didn't specify who with) and he offered to meet up for a night cap. I'm wondering if he considers this a booty call or he's trying to make an effort to see me. I figure I can either decline, or accept and even if he does consider it a booty call, use it as an opportunity to have a chat with him.

 

And yes, I am being hypocritical. I had quit talking to the eharmony guy when I was more into this one, but my doubts of his intentions led me to contacting him again.

 

Girl, if you're curious to see him, then accept his offer. You're under no obligation to sleep with him if he wants to meet up. Perhaps you'll get a bit of clarification.

[laelithia]

Hey everyone,

 

Just to update you, there have been some developments. I have seen this person several more times (most recently Tuesday night when he got back from a trip) and the communication has been about the same. I think what I yearned for with more communication is a sign of more interest from his behalf. I think physical intimacy very soon in the dating process has skewed things, at the very least on my end. It's confusing because on one end I feel very connected to him (ex. We cuddle all night, he kisses the top of my head, makes sure I'm warm, etc.) but on the other I feel we are disconnected (ex. Lack of communication = not knowing as much I would like of him as a person and vice versa). Of course, I can't change the order of things, so I'm trying to make the best of the situation but it is strange.

 

My most recent relationship began with physical intimacy early on, but there was a lot of communication (texts, emails, phone calls) so maybe in some ways I was trying to emulate that in this current relationship, I'm not sure. Anyway, going forward I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm concerned now that the new guy sees me mostly in a sexual way, but perhaps that's my perception of him and countertransferance kicking in. Either way, I'd like to figure out a way to get us emotionally as intimate as we are physically intimate so we can decide if we are even compatible on that level. Just not sure how to do that at this point. We do talk a lot when we are together, but I still feel it's not enough to build a deeper connection, but then again perhaps that just takes time

[Gaeta]

Don't fall in the trap of thinking men build intimacy the way we women do.

 

Women build intimacy by sharing, having deep conversations and maintaining eye contact, all that stuff.

 

Men, on the other hand, don't build intimacy in that manner.

 

Men build intimacy by 'doing things together', having a common goal and working toward it together, playing together, doing a choir together, etc.

 

I think you are in a rut with this 1-2 dates a week an no contact in between dates. Sex is NOT the solution to building intimacy with a man that cannot be bothered to contact you between dates.

 

You need to jump start this relationship or let it go. Ideas how to jump start it would be to get in some type of activity together (outside your 2 dates a week). Dancing classes, rock climbing, tai chi. It doesn't have to be a class but find something you could do together to break the monotony.

[Redhead14]

Hi Everyone,

 

In an effort to get over my past relationship that ended in mid July, I've been casually going on dates. Recently, I met someone who I am very interested in. I didn't expect this to happen so soon after the end of my relationship, but he definitely has all the qualities I am looking for in a partner (that I can tell this early on, for now it's just potential). For instance, he has a very good career, is a gentleman, very intelligent and attractive. That being said, I noticed he very rarely contacts me other than to set up plans for a date. We've been average about 1-2 dates per week since the 18th, all have been initiated by him and have gone really well. I'm concerned though, since he doesn't contact me much in between dates. I'm not sure if this is a bad sign, a good thing, or just how he is. He will usually contact me every few days to set something up, but doesn't seem to enjoy small talk. He will, however, answer all conversation I initiate, but I've stopped doing that. When we are together, the conversation flows effortlessly and I find the time passes very quickly. Each date he has seemed to plan out thoroughly, for instance one date I told him I'm not a very good cook, and he mentioned he would like to teach me. Last Friday, he invited me over to his and he made/taught me to make a beautiful meal (I'm talking steak, salmon, salad, potatoes, desert- it was like a 4 course meal!).

 

I'm wondering if his lack of communication means he is seeing other people (I met him online) which I suppose I can't blame him for since we haven't talked about exclusivity or anything. I'm a bit rusty on the early stages of dating (I keep dating exes...) so I'm not sure when we should even go there. We've had 4 dates now and I really like him, but obviously it's still quite early. Is his lack of communication a bad sign?

 

It would be a negative sign at least if he were only seeing you once a week and only contacting for those dates. But, if you're seeing him twice a week, there's not a lot to talk about in between is there really? If you're having good conversations on the dates no biggie. You've observed that he isn't much for small talk. Some people just aren't phone people.

 

He will, however, answer all conversation I initiate, but I've stopped doing that -- It's ok to do some initiating some now. It's been 4 dates. Just don't go overboard. In this case, maybe once a week if he's not picking it up a little more. He may be feeling reserved about it too -- not move too fast, clingy, etc. Give it a little more time. You do need to do some initiating in order to not have him feeling like he's doing all the work and wondering about your interest level too. Between the first and 3rd or 4th dates, yeah, don't initiate. Let them do it all but at some point you do need to reciprocate.

[Gaeta]

It's ok to do some initiating some now. It's been 4 dates.

 

They have been dating since July and she just said they went on several more dates since her first post.

 

It's been 2 months and several dates and he doesn't contact her between dates, only to set up 1 or 2 dates a week.

 

It's pretty weak.

[Redhead14]

They have been dating since July and she just said they went on several more dates since her first post.

 

It's been 2 months and several dates and he doesn't contact her between dates, only to set up 1 or 2 dates a week.

 

It's pretty weak.

 

Yeah, a little weak. However, he has been consistent in asking to see her a couple of times per week. If she likes him enough, at this point, it would be ok for her to communicate her need for better communication from him/between them. Given what I just read in her update though, she seems to feel as though there is low "connection" between them too now. I venture to say that perhaps he is somewhat EU. A guy who is EU is usually very slow in all aspects of the dating scenario. They are skiddish and cautious so as to prevent a real connection from happening to protect themselves from being hurt when things do eventually end between them. Listen to him closely. Does he avoid deeper conversations? Does he ask her questions about herself and her life when they are together? Does he talk mostly about himself and his past (and either totally avoid talking about past relationships or bad mouth past partners)?

 

OP, have you had any conversations with him about what his overall dating goals are? Have you two communicated that you are each looking for a relationship for yourselves in general, not specifically with each other?

 

Personally, in the beginning, I'd rather have more dates during the week than phone calls, etc. If I were only seeing someone once a week, I would certainly expect more communication between those dates. And, if it were only once a week for a couple of months, I'd be shopping for someone else to date. A couple of times a week is pretty good for 2.5 months though.

 

Just keep managing emotions and expectations. Date some other guys too.

[laelithia]

They have been dating since July and she just said they went on several more dates since her first post.

 

It's been 2 months and several dates and he doesn't contact her between dates, only to set up 1 or 2 dates a week.

 

It's pretty weak.

 

Actually Gaeta, our first date was August 18th, so it's almost been a month