losangelena Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Yeah, a little weak. However, he has been consistent in asking to see her a couple of times per week. If she likes him enough, at this point, it would be ok for her to communicate her need for better communication from him/between them. Given what I just read in her update though, she seems to feel as though there is low "connection" between them too now. I venture to say that perhaps he is somewhat EU. A guy who is EU is usually very slow in all aspects of the dating scenario. They are skiddish and cautious so as to prevent a real connection from happening to protect themselves from being hurt when things do eventually end between them. Listen to him closely. Does he avoid deeper conversations? Does he ask her questions about herself and her life when they are together? Does he talk mostly about himself and his past (and either totally avoid talking about past relationships or bad mouth past partners)? OP, have you had any conversations with him about what his overall dating goals are? Have you two communicated that you are each looking for a relationship for yourselves in general, not specifically with each other? Personally, in the beginning, I'd rather have more dates during the week than phone calls, etc. If I were only seeing someone once a week, I would certainly expect more communication between those dates. And, if it were only once a week for a couple of months, I'd be shopping for someone else to date. A couple of times a week is pretty good for 2.5 months though. Just keep managing emotions and expectations. Date some other guys too. I can attest to this, having just gone through it myself. My BF was very "present" in a physical sense—lots of cuddling and touching and sex—but there was very little in the way of real emotional connection. I kept thinking he was going to change as he grew more comfortable in the relationship, but that never happened. OP, your story sounds very familiar. I would not be afraid to be a little pushy with him. Not demanding, but if I were you I'd reach out to him more, I would ask questions, etc. You want to know sooner than later if that's a level he's willing to get on, and if he isn't, you should just move on. Because if he's anything like my ex, yes he likes you and is interested, but only to a certain point. He will never initiate that side of your relationship, and if your attempts drive him away, it's safe to assume that he never would have been comfortable there. Good luck! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Actually Gaeta, our first date was August 18th, so it's almost been a month Oh sorry I got the facts wrong ! You broke up with your ex mid-July. That's where I got it wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 Yeah, a little weak. However, he has been consistent in asking to see her a couple of times per week. If she likes him enough, at this point, it would be ok for her to communicate her need for better communication from him/between them. Given what I just read in her update though, she seems to feel as though there is low "connection" between them too now. I venture to say that perhaps he is somewhat EU. A guy who is EU is usually very slow in all aspects of the dating scenario. They are skiddish and cautious so as to prevent a real connection from happening to protect themselves from being hurt when things do eventually end between them. Listen to him closely. Does he avoid deeper conversations? Does he ask her questions about herself and her life when they are together? Does he talk mostly about himself and his past (and either totally avoid talking about past relationships or bad mouth past partners)? OP, have you had any conversations with him about what his overall dating goals are? Have you two communicated that you are each looking for a relationship for yourselves in general, not specifically with each other? Personally, in the beginning, I'd rather have more dates during the week than phone calls, etc. If I were only seeing someone once a week, I would certainly expect more communication between those dates. And, if it were only once a week for a couple of months, I'd be shopping for someone else to date. A couple of times a week is pretty good for 2.5 months though. Just keep managing emotions and expectations. Date some other guys too. Hi Redhead, we have talked a lot about his and my past and goals and aspirations for the future. We have talked a little about past partners, but I was weary to bring up what he or I am looking currently for a relationship because much of the advice I have been given by friends and family and online have said that not even a month in, it's too early for that kind of talk. I'm trying to do something different (keep a normal, healthy pace) since I usually jump into relationships too early and don't really take time to date and get to know someone. I guess it's just new to me that he seems to be doing things at a slower pace than I'm used to. Or perhaps he's not interested in a full on relationship at all, I don't really know. He has talked about me meeting his family and I have met his close childhood friend, but I'm still unsure of where he's at. For instance, I sent him a text last night about a client of mine knowing someone who's been in the need lately and he still hasn't responded. Of course my initial reaction is to think he met someone else and is with them/ he lost interest in me/ isn't interested in talking to me about things other than setting up dates/ only wants to keep things casual, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 I can attest to this, having just gone through it myself. My BF was very "present" in a physical sense—lots of cuddling and touching and sex—but there was very little in the way of real emotional connection. I kept thinking he was going to change as he grew more comfortable in the relationship, but that never happened. OP, your story sounds very familiar. I would not be afraid to be a little pushy with him. Not demanding, but if I were you I'd reach out to him more, I would ask questions, etc. You want to know sooner than later if that's a level he's willing to get on, and if he isn't, you should just move on. Because if he's anything like my ex, yes he likes you and is interested, but only to a certain point. He will never initiate that side of your relationship, and if your attempts drive him away, it's safe to assume that he never would have been comfortable there. Good luck! If he is truly EU, any time she expresses deeper feelings for him, he will pull away a little, and when she backs off of that, he will come on a little bit stronger for a bit and then revert to previous mode. If it's a true fear of intimacy, he will resist show of affection from her outside of the bedroom. He will "feel" closer to her in that setting and be a little bit more affectionate -- kiss on top of head. Generally, men who are EU or FIS, aren't very much into foreplay. They will get down to business. Kissing and foreplay are more intimate acts and they shy away from that. So that's something to think about. They don't like to kiss deeply pretty much any other time either. It's not always true, but very often it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Yeah, a little weak. However, he has been consistent in asking to see her a couple of times per week. If she likes him enough, at this point, it would be ok for her to communicate her need for better communication from him/between them. Given what I just read in her update though, she seems to feel as though there is low "connection" between them too now. I venture to say that perhaps he is somewhat EU. A guy who is EU is usually very slow in all aspects of the dating scenario. They are skiddish and cautious so as to prevent a real connection from happening to protect themselves from being hurt when things do eventually end between them. Listen to him closely. Does he avoid deeper conversations? Does he ask her questions about herself and her life when they are together? Does he talk mostly about himself and his past (and either totally avoid talking about past relationships or bad mouth past partners)? Yes to all of this! I was going to say this guy is totally mimicking the EU (in my opinion) guy I dated last year for four months. I was always so confused because we would have great dates lasting more than 24 hours and he was so into me during that time, but then we would have loose contact and no phone calls between dates. He'd share tons of information about him and his family, but show little interest in my past. After four months of dating a few times a week but kind of hot and cold behaviour, I asked what was up and he said he wanted to keep it casual. I ended it then and wished I had talked to him earlier. OP, tread carefully, your guy sounds a lot like the guy I dated. His behaviour between dates is what's really telling. I would initiate a casual conversation with him and see where he stands. There's a very real chance he's EU. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 If he is truly EU, any time she expresses deeper feelings for him, he will pull away a little, and when she backs off of that, he will come on a little bit stronger for a bit and then revert to previous mode. If it's a true fear of intimacy, he will resist show of affection from her outside of the bedroom. He will "feel" closer to her in that setting and be a little bit more affectionate -- kiss on top of head. Generally, men who are EU or FIS, aren't very much into foreplay. They will get down to business. Kissing and foreplay are more intimate acts and they shy away from that. So that's something to think about. They don't like to kiss deeply pretty much any other time either. It's not always true, but very often it is. Not to get into TMI territory, but I can say with absolute certainty he is VERY into foreplay and romance physically. He's very generous and thoughtful Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Hi Redhead, we have talked a lot about his and my past and goals and aspirations for the future. We have talked a little about past partners, but I was weary to bring up what he or I am looking currently for a relationship because much of the advice I have been given by friends and family and online have said that not even a month in, it's too early for that kind of talk. I'm trying to do something different (keep a normal, healthy pace) since I usually jump into relationships too early and don't really take time to date and get to know someone. I guess it's just new to me that he seems to be doing things at a slower pace than I'm used to. Or perhaps he's not interested in a full on relationship at all, I don't really know. He has talked about me meeting his family and I have met his close childhood friend, but I'm still unsure of where he's at. For instance, I sent him a text last night about a client of mine knowing someone who's been in the need lately and he still hasn't responded. Of course my initial reaction is to think he met someone else and is with them/ he lost interest in me/ isn't interested in talking to me about things other than setting up dates/ only wants to keep things casual, etc. There is nothing wrong with making sure the two of you are on the same page in terms of dating goals early. Just to confirm that you are at least looking for the same thing. There's no point in dating a man who only wants a casual dating scenario when you are hoping for a relationship for yourself. You may not know it will be with each other at that point so it's not trying to nail each other down. This guy seems to just be a little slower in terms of communication, but what he lacks in calls in between dates, he kinda makes up for dating frequency. A couple of times a week is good for 2.5 months. NOrmally, I wouldn't advise that frequency in the beginning because of just pacing things, but there would need to be much more communication in between. Just sit back and continue to observe. For now, I would definitely find out what he's looking for for himself. You aren't attempting to define the relationship between you two yet. And, I'm kinda thinking this guy is what I call A Quality Casual Guy. He will date you properly, treat you with respect, make you feel like a girlfriend but it will be a stagnant relationship. These guys will even introduce you to family, bring you to events, etc. but there's always "just something missing". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 There is nothing wrong with making sure the two of you are on the same page in terms of dating goals early. Just to confirm that you are at least looking for the same thing. There's no point in dating a man who only wants a casual dating scenario when you are hoping for a relationship for yourself. You may not know it will be with each other at that point so it's not trying to nail each other down. This guy seems to just be a little slower in terms of communication, but what he lacks in calls in between dates, he kinda makes up for dating frequency. A couple of times a week is good for 2.5 months. NOrmally, I wouldn't advise that frequency in the beginning because of just pacing things, but there would need to be much more communication in between. Just sit back and continue to observe. For now, I would definitely find out what he's looking for for himself. You aren't attempting to define the relationship between you two yet. And, I'm kinda thinking this guy is what I call A Quality Casual Guy. He will date you properly, treat you with respect, make you feel like a girlfriend but it will be a stagnant relationship. These guys will even introduce you to family, bring you to events, etc. but there's always "just something missing". Perhaps you're right. I'm not sure what to do now that he's ignored my text. I was going to invite him to a housewarming this weekend but now I don't think I can because of the ignored text... So confusing Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Perhaps you're right. I'm not sure what to do now that he's ignored my text. I was going to invite him to a housewarming this weekend but now I don't think I can because of the ignored text... So confusing Let it go. Let him reach out to you first now. The ball is in his court. He's been very slow with communication anyway, I'm not surprised with this. Just sit back and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 He responded, but nothing really significant. And I sent the text at 8pm last night and only now is he responding. It's bothersome because I saw him answer a text the last time I was with him. Perhaps I won't invite him afterall Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 He responded, but nothing really significant. And I sent the text at 8pm last night and only now is he responding. It's bothersome because I saw him answer a text the last time I was with him. Perhaps I won't invite him afterall No, I wouldn't invite him either. Next time he calls you, tell him you've enjoyed the time spent with him, but you don't feel as though you two are on the same page and wish him well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 No, I wouldn't invite him either. Next time he calls you, tell him you've enjoyed the time spent with him, but you don't feel as though you two are on the same page and wish him well. Solely based on the lack of his communication? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Not to get into TMI territory, but I can say with absolute certainty he is VERY into foreplay and romance physically. He's very generous and thoughtful Again, this is the classic player MO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 Latest update! He invited me to watch the rugby game with him and his friends yesterday morning, and I went and it was great! His friends are very nice and seem like good people. We ended up spending most of the day together, he took us out for breakfast and we walked around his area and watched movies. There was one odd thing though, around 6:30 he told me he was going to go to the gym, and I thought that was a bit odd since we were kind of relaxing at his, but I figure there's no point in making a big deal about it. However, I did decide to ask him if he's still not seeing other people (he said no), and if he still uses the dating app (he said not really, and asked if I was. I told him I deleted it and he seemed pleased, but didn't say he would delete his). Another thing I found odd is that over the weekend he texted me a link to facebook which I couldn't see since we aren't friends. I told him that and he sent me the video the same time I sent him a facebook request. However, he did not accept it. Yesterday, when we were hanging out at his, he went on facebook and showed me another link. I almost asked him why he hadn't accepted my friend request but I didn't want to seem petty. That being said, it is odd to me that he wouldn't accept. Perhaps he thinks it's too soon, but part of me worries he's hiding something. The lack of communication is still there I would say, although he is starting to talk to me a bit more. I'm worried that might change after our discussion on if he's dating other people or not. I still haven't asked him if he's interested in a relationship or what he's looking for, but the reason I haven't done that is I feel he would say "with the right person, sure" and that doesn't really give me any information. But I suppose I should know if he's not looking for one at all Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 23, 2015 Author Share Posted September 23, 2015 UPDATE: He asked me yesterday if I wanted to go for drinks, to which I said sure. When I asked him when though he said after rugby, AND a cousins party... it seemed to me that it was clearly a booty call so I said we'll see and keep me posted. He did through the night but at 10pm he said he just got home and asked for a rain check. Normally I would have just said sure, no problem, but a girlfriend of mine told me to push it to test him and for some reason I listened. I asked him if I could just sleepover and he said he'd have to pass and have a good night. I then asked what other day he was free this week and he didn't respond. I feel like I ruined everything and I'm so embarrassed.... Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 UPDATE: He asked me yesterday if I wanted to go for drinks, to which I said sure. When I asked him when though he said after rugby, AND a cousins party... it seemed to me that it was clearly a booty call so I said we'll see and keep me posted. He did through the night but at 10pm he said he just got home and asked for a rain check. Normally I would have just said sure, no problem, but a girlfriend of mine told me to push it to test him and for some reason I listened. I asked him if I could just sleepover and he said he'd have to pass and have a good night. I then asked what other day he was free this week and he didn't respond. I feel like I ruined everything and I'm so embarrassed.... No you did not *ruin* anything, there was nothing there to ruin. Yes I do agree he wanted a booty call, and at the end of the day, couldn't even manage that. The only thing you did was escalate what would have happened eventually anyway. The end. I am so sorry, but this ship has sailed. Please move on... this ain't going anywhere. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 Don't be embarrassed, you did nothing wrong! It's ok to make some of your needs known with someone you have been dating for a little while, and if that turns them off, they were not right for you. This guy is acting in a very casual way and you're looking for more. Walk away now, even if he pops back up again, this guy cannot offer you anything more. I dated a guy just like him in the spring and I eventually realised while he was full on (almost over the top) when we were together, everything was going to be on his terms. We'd see each other when he wanted to, where he wanted to and there was little room for me to make suggestions. I walked away after about five dates because that doesn't work for me and was making me feel anxious. I think you know in your gut this isn't right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 UPDATE: He asked me yesterday if I wanted to go for drinks, to which I said sure. When I asked him when though he said after rugby, AND a cousins party... it seemed to me that it was clearly a booty call so I said we'll see and keep me posted. He did through the night but at 10pm he said he just got home and asked for a rain check. Normally I would have just said sure, no problem, but a girlfriend of mine told me to push it to test him and for some reason I listened. I asked him if I could just sleepover and he said he'd have to pass and have a good night. I then asked what other day he was free this week and he didn't respond. I feel like I ruined everything and I'm so embarrassed.... Wait, you think you screwed up how? Because you asked for something you wanted (to stay over) and then did the awful, unspeakable evil of asking when he was next free? Girl, no. Unless he fell asleep before getting a chance to read that last text, there's no reason why he couldn't have said (for example), "I'm free Thursday," or "I don't know I'll keep you posted." Please go read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/549115-how-badly-did-i-screw-up Why do people think that sending one "bad" text will ruin everything?? It will not. You being assertive in asking for what you want will do what it's supposed to do—weed out the ones who are not serious. No man who is serious about you is going to look at a text like the one you sent and say, "Naw, never mind; I liked her, but she's asking when I'm free and I just can't handle that, she must be some needy psycho." Good for you for speaking up for yourself. Now the guessing game is over; you can write this one off and move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 23, 2015 Author Share Posted September 23, 2015 I think you guys are right. The part that I'm embarrassed about is 1) I pretty much asked for a booty call by asking if I could come over anyway and 2) that I pushed it twice after he said no.... Live and learn I guess Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 Live and learn I guess That's right. God, I remember some of the things I did when I was just starting out dating (I'm not implying that you're inexperienced, by the way), and I look back on them now and go, "yeah that wasn't the best idea," but in the moment—hey, you do what you think is right, or OK. Try not to get down on yourself because you said something or did something that now feels embarrassing. Soon this will feel like a blip on the radar to you. Get back out there. Go meet some guys who will treat you better. And treat yourself better, too! Don't be so hard on yourself; we all do forehead-slapping things from time to time. That's being called HUMAN. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 23, 2015 Author Share Posted September 23, 2015 Is there anything I did do particularly wrong make this go south? I think I should learn as much as I can from it Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 Is there anything I did do particularly wrong make this go south? I think I should learn as much as I can from it I don't think you did anything "wrong", except maybe moving a little fast on the physical side of things. What stands out to me (and I have done this too) is you were disconnected from yourself and your wants. I read the thread back over, and at the end of August you started dating this guy wanting something casual and that's what you got. Then you wanted something more but he continued to act casual, get online all the time, whatever and you kept "waiting and seeing" which kept it going another three weeks. There's nothing "wrong" there except things probably went a little longer than they otherwise would have if you had listened to your intution. Moving forward, trust yourself more! You knew at the end of August that something was "off" in this dating scenario. You did nothing wrong by waiting and seeing if your gut feel was accurate, but in future, when you get that feeling you might want to pay attention to it. And maybe you're not cut out for casual dating? There's nothing wrong with that, many people are not, but foll themselves into thinking they can handle it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 He simply doesn't intend for you to stay the night. He may be somewhat interested for now - but he's not "all in" by being transparent with you. And when a guy isn't up front and offering honesty - I have to conclude that he has things he wants hidden from me. Next time he asks - consider saying you're busy. Link to post Share on other sites
Karimikui Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 OP how early on in did you first have sex with him? First date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted September 23, 2015 Author Share Posted September 23, 2015 OP how early on in did you first have sex with him? First date? It was on the first date.... A 5 hour first date with wine involved. Definitely wish I could have a do over on that one 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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