He only contacts to set up dates?

[laelithia]

OP, what do you WANT to do?

 

I don't think there's any right or wrong here. Yes, I know the tendency is to want to stick closely to what all the dating blogs tell you, but even those are mere guidelines on how to act; not gospel.

 

If it would relieve your anxiety to reach out to him, then by all means send him a lighthearted text. That's not going to sink the proverbial ship. I don't think you're going to be able to discern his true intentions by talking about it at this point. Time will tell, as will watching his actions and listening to what he says. I think the best thing you can do now is be clear, again, about what YOU want, and act accordingly. Then, try and get a little comfortable with uncertainty, and don't attempt to categorize every one of his actions—don't put everything into a "pro" and "con" column regarding his intentions—just observe.

 

My BF, especially early-on, was not a great communicator, and for a while I thought I was just a "fancy booty call" as Gaeta put it. Boy was I surprised when things turned out differently.

 

Thanks for your feedback! I think this is good advice. Probably I need to gain more confidence in my decision making around dating.

 

Can I ask how you moved forward with your boyfriend?

[Gaeta]

Call me the pessimist one, there's a need of one on every forum right.

 

Your guy is very active online. The way you describe his profile being on top of the line most of the time makes me think you met him on POF? They list people by who was online last so if his profile always pop up on first page of result yes he's online often, more than once a day.

 

So he spends a lot of time online, that tells me he has 'time and feels like chatting' with women on there, but doesn't feel like chatting with you?

 

Then you tell us he has a very stressful job and it's probably keeping his mind busy so he's not really in text chatting mode with you BUT seems like his job is not that stressful if he has time 'several times a day' to log and look around and strike conversation with the random ladies on there.

[katiegrl]

Call me the pessimist one, there's a need of one on every forum right.

 

Your guy is very active online. The way you describe his profile being on top of the line most of the time makes me think you met him on POF? They list people by who was online last so if his profile always pop up on first page of result yes he's online often, more than once a day.

 

So he spends a lot of time online, that tells me he has 'time and feels like chatting' with women on there, but doesn't feel like chatting with you?

 

Then you tell us he has a very stressful job and it's probably keeping his mind busy so he's not really in text chatting mode with you BUT seems like his job is not that stressful if he has time 'several times a day' to log and look around and strike conversation with the random ladies on there.

 

I gotta say Gaeta, even with my all my independence, need for *space* and wanting to take things slow (not sex obviously...lol), once I become sexual with a man, it would REALLY bug me if I discovered he was still searching for (and having sex with?) other women he meets on line or elsewhere....and don't think I would want to continue dating him under those circumstances.

 

As you know my bf and I had sex the first night we met, HOWEVER, the next day he expressed interest in dating *only* ME....and see where it took us.

 

That was 5+ years ago....

 

So yeah I agree with you here 100%!!!!

Edited September 1, 2015 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

I gotta say Gaeta, even with my all my independence, need for *space* and wanting to take things slow (not sex obviously...lol), once I become sexual with a man, it would REALLY bug me if I discovered he was still searching for (and having sex with?) other women he meets on line or elsewhere....and don't think I would want to continue dating him under those circumstances.

 

As you know my bf and I had sex the first night we met, HOWEVER, the next day he expressed interest in dating *only* ME....and see where it took us.

 

That was 5+ years ago....

 

So yeah I agree with you here 100%!!!!

 

To me this just highlights how important it is for OP to figure out her own stance on things. It would probably bother me too if I slept with a guy, he didn't talk to me that much, AND I saw him online a bunch. If that's the case, then it's wise to have a conversation PRE-sex (which is why I keep saying "figure out what you want FIRST, then act accordingly.")

 

OP has acted out of turn for herself (wine-induced sex) and is now trying to alleviate her anxiety. That's what all this analyzing and online scoping is about—that's what it's always about. Trouble is, OP, you can't expect this guy to necessarily alleviate your anxiety. You can't expect any guy to alleviate your anxiety, that has to come from within, and part of that is having good boundaries and sticking to them, and if you don't, then accepting the consequences that come along with them—feeling the sting of the guy disappears, or feeling uncertain when he acts a certain way.

 

With my BF, I was genuinely confused (and anxious, so I know the above scenario quite well), until my BF asked for exclusivity/BF-GF status. But that was a couple of months in.

[Jejangles]

The mere fact the situation is making you feel nervous and anxious is a bit of a red flag. The last time I dated a guy who only contacted me to plan dates, he turned out to be a bit of a player and I never heard from him again after the fifth date (after we'd slept together a couple of times). Also it's never a great sign when a guy you have slept with is online all the time.

 

However, you're getting all sorts of different opinions because the relationship is so new that it's in that "too early to know" grey zone. So you have two choices. Either calm down, go with the flow and see what happens or have a "what is this / where's it going" talk and see what he says.

 

Above all, never lose touch with your gut feelings! Our bodies send us all sorts of clear signals that our minds often ignore. Whenever a guy sets off my anxiety in a real way, it's always a bad sign, no matter how much I rationalise it. You may be the same.

[Frank2thepoint]

Or should I do nothing at all?

 

You already are doing that by being on here, listening to conflicting advice. Either enjoy what you have now, since you did admit you only want casual, despite having sex with the man, or be assertive and broach the topic with him.

[katiegrl]

To me this just highlights how important it is for OP to figure out her own stance on things. It would probably bother me too if I slept with a guy, he didn't talk to me that much, AND I saw him online a bunch. If that's the case, then it's wise to have a conversation PRE-sex (which is why I keep saying "figure out what you want FIRST, then act accordingly.")

 

OP has acted out of turn for herself (wine-induced sex) and is now trying to alleviate her anxiety. That's what all this analyzing and online scoping is about—that's what it's always about. Trouble is, OP, you can't expect this guy to necessarily alleviate your anxiety. You can't expect any guy to alleviate your anxiety, that has to come from within, and part of that is having good boundaries and sticking to them, and if you don't, then accepting the consequences that come along with them—feeling the sting of the guy disappears, or feeling uncertain when he acts a certain way.

 

With my BF, I was genuinely confused (and anxious, so I know the above scenario quite well), until my BF asked for exclusivity/BF-GF status. But that was a couple of months in.

 

 

You are so right on with this LA...especially the bolded and especially especially the underlined.

 

 

In my situation, yes we have sex the first night we met but I did NOT have any expectation that we would continue seeing each other. I really liked him (obviously!) and hoped he would call me again, but I went with my feelings that night (as did he)..and fully intended to accept the consequences of my behavior...whatever those consequences were.

 

 

If that meant he never contacted me again, so be it.

 

 

Fortunately though, for me (and him) we both wanted the same thing (to begin dating) so we did and here we are today.

 

 

I should also add that had he NOT brought up dating only each other the following night, and just wanted casual dates and hook-ups once or twice or week (with no communication in between), I would NOT have been okay with that.

 

 

We did things sort of backward (by having sex first) but I still had my boundaries, and like I said was fully prepared to accept the consequences of my behavior...had he chosen to not pursue further or only wanted casual.

[laelithia]

I think I've been unclear on here. I was originally planning on casually dating (I met him on an app called bumble) but after I met him, I wanted to see where things went. The sleeping with him too early business came from a mindset not inline with that but obviously I can't change the past. I should have been more clear with myself of what I wanted.

 

I'm now unsure what to do. He's asked me to go for a drink after work (again I work late tonight) and I have agreed but now I need to figure out my next course of action assuming I do want to date him and see where things go. I'm ok with his lack of contact, but I'm not okay with sleeping with someone and not knowing if we are exclusive. I may be too late, but I would like to try. How would you suggest I explain this to him?

 

P.S. I do not have anxiety about this. I posted for mere advice and objectivity after being out of the "normal" dating game. If this goes south, my life will be just fine

[katiegrl]

When OP first posted this thread, I was on board with what was happening (twice a week dates with no communication in between) because I presumed they had NOT had sex yet.

 

No matter how much we want to believe otherwise, sex changes things...at least it does for me...and I think to most people who equate sex with feelings and emotions....

 

When you see a guy you've become sexually intimate with on-line doing whatever the hell he is doing....it hurts. Sure, if you haven't had the "exclusivity" talk, he is within his rights to do so....but it STILL hurts.

 

And I think if the roles were reversed and a guy saw the chick he was dating and having sex with...... whom he was really into .... perusing the dating sites, it would bother (hurt) HIM too.

Edited September 2, 2015 by katiegrl

[smackie9]

This is a typical player MO. 13 Alarming Signs He Could Be a Player ... ? ? Love

[katiegrl]

I think I've been unclear on here. I was originally planning on casually dating (I met him on an app called bumble) but after I met him, I wanted to see where things went. The sleeping with him too early business came from a mindset not inline with that but obviously I can't change the past. I should have been more clear with myself of what I wanted.

 

I'm now unsure what to do. He's asked me to go for a drink after work (again I work late tonight) and I have agreed but now I need to figure out my next course of action assuming I do want to date him and see where things go. I'm ok with his lack of contact, but I'm not okay with sleeping with someone and not knowing if we are exclusive. I may be too late, but I would like to try. How would you suggest I explain this to him?

 

P.S. I do not have anxiety about this. I posted for mere advice and objectivity after being out of the "normal" dating game. If this goes south, my life will be just fine

 

 

I think you need to talk to him about YOU are wanting and expecting and then ask HIM what HE is wanting and expecting ...and TRUST that his answer is going to be the TRUTH.

 

 

It doesn't have to be this big heavy intense conversation...make it light and bring it up while you're having fun...and then somehow squeeze those questions in...trust me, he won't know what hit him... :)

 

 

DON'T go announcing "we need to TALK." Ugh, he will run in the other direction if you do that. Make it light...and fun. You're both expressing what you want from each other....no biggee. Like it's a perfectly normal and natural thing to discuss...which it is actually, or should be.

 

 

Good luck!

[laelithia]

I think you need to talk to him about YOU are wanting and expecting and then ask HIM what HE is wanting and expecting ...and TRUST that his answer is going to be the TRUTH.

 

 

It doesn't have to be this big heavy intense conversation...make it light and bring it up while you're having fun...and then somehow squeeze those questions in...trust me, he won't know what hit him... :)

 

 

DON'T go announcing "we need to TALK." Ugh, he will run in the other direction if you do that. Make it light...and fun. You're both expressing what you want from each other....no biggee. Like it's a perfectly normal and natural thing to discuss...which it is actually, or should be.

 

 

Good luck!

 

I will do my best! I'll try and keep it light and upbeat. I think if I had the discussion on the first date I would feel okay about everything but I felt like I missed my window

[katiegrl]

I will do my best! I'll try and keep it light and upbeat. I think if I had the discussion on the first date I would feel okay about everything but I felt like I missed my window

 

No no no....it's NEVER too late to bring up ANYTHING that's troubling or confusing you or that you want to clarify.

 

 

There is no timeline on conversations like this....they are ongoing throughout the relationship!

[laelithia]

No no no....it's NEVER too late to bring up ANYTHING that's troubling or confusing you or that you want to clarify.

 

 

There is no timeline on conversations like this....they are ongoing throughout the relationship!

 

Very good point! So I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of: "so I've been thinking, I'm interested to see where this goes and would be open to the idea of a relationship down the road. What do you think?"

[Gaeta]

Very good point! So I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of: "so I've been thinking, I'm interested to see where this goes and would be open to the idea of a relationship down the road. What do you think?"

 

That is too vague and not addressing the issue at hand: Exclusivity.

 

He would just answer yes I am interested in seeing where this goes and turn around and go back browsing online.

 

The issue right now that needs to be addressed is the sexual exclusivity. You can say: When I am intimate with someone I prefer exclusivity, what about you? and don't close this conversation till you hear he will be exclusive or he won't.

[laelithia]

We didn't end up hanging out. He told me earlier he had a work charity event but we could do drinks after. Anyway, it ended up being like 9:30pm and he was still tied up, and so I asked if he thought he would be done soon. He answered just after 10pm saying he wasn't sure and that he was sorry and it was hard to organize things. I'm quite annoyed by this and almost at the point of cutting things off because I feel he's being untruthful. However, my bestie is reminding me that he hasn't actually ever given me a reason to doubt him and he intended to see me or he wouldn't have suggested it.

 

It's just frustrating since I wanted to talk to him about exclusivity and the direction we are going

[Gaeta]

 

It's just frustrating since I wanted to talk to him about exclusivity and the direction we are going

 

It's too soon to be asking him what direction you are going. You just had 4 dates.

 

When people suggested you should have asked him what he wanted when you met him it was not about what he wanted 'with you' because that may take months. What we meant is to ask him what he wanted out of dating. That's when men tell you they're ready to meet the right person or they're just looking for something casual.

[katiegrl]

We didn't end up hanging out. He told me earlier he had a work charity event but we could do drinks after. Anyway, it ended up being like 9:30pm and he was still tied up, and so I asked if he thought he would be done soon. He answered just after 10pm saying he wasn't sure and that he was sorry and it was hard to organize things. I'm quite annoyed by this and almost at the point of cutting things off because I feel he's being untruthful. However, my bestie is reminding me that he hasn't actually ever given me a reason to doubt him and he intended to see me or he wouldn't have suggested it.

 

It's just frustrating since I wanted to talk to him about exclusivity and the direction we are going

 

My spidey senses are in full force again.

 

I don't like this guy, and tonight? I think he was BS'ing you.

 

Can't *organize* things my ass. He met someone at the charity event and decided he wanted to hang with her instead.

 

And to wait until 10:00 pm to tell you he can't make it? After YOU had to text and ask? Ugh.

 

Between the no communication between dates, his on-line activity, and now this, if it were me I would just cut my losses now and move on.

 

It's only been four dates, be thankful you didn't invest more time.

[laelithia]

My spidey senses are in full force again.

 

I don't like this guy, and tonight? I think he was BS'ing you.

 

Can't *organize* things my ass. He met someone at the charity event and decided he wanted to hang with her instead.

 

And to wait until 10:00 pm to tell you he can't make it? After YOU had to text and ask? Ugh.

 

Between the no communication between dates, his on-line activity, and now this, if it were me I would just cut my losses now and move on.

 

It's only been four dates, be thankful you didn't invest more time.

 

Who knows. This was all very out of character for him based on our past dates so maybe he did meet someone. I don't really care anymore. From now on I'm not going to worry about the "right" way to date these days, I'm just going to do what feels right with me. If the guys don't like it than they're not for me. At this rate I have no need for a significant other. I have a great career and family and friends and even if I choose to have children one day, I can on my own. Sure I would like a relationship, but I sure as hell don't need one

[katiegrl]

Who knows. This was all very out of character for him based on our past dates so maybe he did meet someone. I don't really care anymore. From now on I'm not going to worry about the "right" way to date these days, I'm just going to do what feels right with me. If the guys don't like it than they're not for me. At this rate I have no need for a significant other. I have a great career and family and friends and even if I choose to have children one day, I can on my own. Sure I would like a relationship, but I sure as hell don't need one

 

Out of character based on four dates? You have no idea what his or anyone's character is after only four dates. Takes a long time of getting to know someone, spending time, etc to determine one's character.

 

If you mean behavior, okay, but remember when a man has a goal to obtain (i.e. sex), he can behave in sorts ways that have nothing to do with who he truly his, his character, his integrity, etc.

 

I am not suggesting he is a bad guy, not all all. Only that based on his behavior (not communicating between dates, on line activity, blowing you off last night the way he did), it just doesn't appear he is all that into you, that's all...

 

These early dates are when YOU get to determine if HE is someone with whom to pursue a relationship. This is the time, assuming a man is truly into you, he is at his BEST!

 

Is this his best? No contact between dates, perusing on line dating sites, arranging a late night date for drinks (booty call?) ...and then blowing you off, and not even having the courtesy of letting you know he was blowing you off until YOU had to text and ask, and even then he waits 30 minutes before texting you back ....with no offer to reschedule?

 

You are smart to let this one go. You just got out of a relationship, give yourself some time, then when you're ready, start dating and focus on those men who are really into you, and behave as such.

 

It appears Gaeta had this right ... straight right from the get go, he wanted something *casual* including sex. She figured it out before I did!!!!

 

Anyhoo ....Just my .02 FWIW. :)

Edited September 2, 2015 by katiegrl

[pleasedtomeetyou]

This whole situation is a prime example of why you must establish what your partner is looking for early in the relationship. Preferably by the end of the first date or beginning of the second one.

 

If the OP and this man had this conversation, the frustration and confusion in this sequence of events would not exist.

[Gaeta]

This whole situation is a prime example of why you must establish what your partner is looking for early in the relationship. Preferably by the end of the first date or beginning of the second one.

 

If the OP and this man had this conversation, the frustration and confusion in this sequence of events would not exist.

 

Why wait to meet? Ask online during a first conversation : what are you looking for on this dating site?

 

As simple as that.

 

Why wait and end up going out of your way to meet a man looking for casual dating when you are aiming at serious dating.

[pleasedtomeetyou]

Why wait to meet? Ask online during a first conversation : what are you looking for on this dating site?

 

As simple as that.

 

Why wait and end up going out of your way to meet a man looking for casual dating when you are aiming at serious dating.

 

Sure, if somebody asked me this question during our online messages I would be happy to provide an answer. But i've been on about 20 first dates in the past year, and not one single woman has asked me what i'm looking for (either online or in person).

 

I prefer to do it at the end of the first-date because I want to know if I even like this person enough to consider going out with them a second time before broaching this topic.

 

My criteria for first dates is pretty simple. I just want to have an enjoyable conversation with someone. Even if I know we're not compatible, I consider a first date a success if I have a good time.

[losangelena]

Why wait to meet? Ask online during a first conversation : what are you looking for on this dating site?

 

As simple as that.

 

Why wait and end up going out of your way to meet a man looking for casual dating when you are aiming at serious dating.

 

Well, people could lie. Or say they're looking for a serious relationship, get things off the ground with you, and then change their minds.

 

There's no guarantee that "I'm looking for a serious relationship" will translate into, "I'm looking for a serious relationship WITH YOU."

 

There's an inherent level of risk with dating. I don't think you can "play the game" without expecting that occasionally you'll "pick wrong." OP said she was looking for casual and was surprised that she liked this guy so much. She took a risk and slept with him, and is now upset that he's not treating her more like a GF. But that's part of the risk and par for the course, unfortunately.

 

I feel sympathy for the OP, because I've been there, too. Maybe it sounds harsh of me to say, but if you have sex early, and don't define your terms, then you run the risk of getting disappointed and hurt.

[katiegrl]

Why wait to meet? Ask online during a first conversation : what are you looking for on this dating site?

 

As simple as that.

 

Why wait and end up going out of your way to meet a man looking for casual dating when you are aiming at serious dating.

 

I think because, even though someone might be seeking casual at first, after actually meeting someone and clicking/connecting...that could change, and you from wanting something casual to something leading to more serious ....with THAT person.

 

Isn't that what happened with the OP?

 

At first she was seeking casual, then she met *this* man, clicked, etc, and realized she wanted something more *with him*.

 

Problem is, he did not feel the same about her, but he *might* have.... feelings, what you want, etc, could all change once you actually meet someone in person.