He only contacts to set up dates?

[laelithia]

In the end, you can't date your phone. So what matters most is the actual dates. Since they've all been enjoyable and you really like his company, just focus on that.

 

As far as his interest goes, I'd say pay attention to his actions. I mean you say the guy has a great career so he's probably busy day to day (why he's not interested in chit chat on a daily basis). However, he still makes time to see you twice a week.

 

That's true, he has a very stressful job and has told me about it before. I'm worried that this week he might not contact me. I noticed last week I was the one to message him first on Tuesday after the weekend and then he asked me out. I'm wondering if I should initiate conversation again or let him do it. I do technically have his hoodie (he let me borrow it one day since it was raining) so I still have to get that back to him at some point

[fitnessfan365]

That's true, he has a very stressful job and has told me about it before. I'm worried that this week he might not contact me. I noticed last week I was the one to message him first on Tuesday after the weekend and then he asked me out. I'm wondering if I should initiate conversation again or let him do it. I do technically have his hoodie (he let me borrow it one day since it was raining) so I still have to get that back to him at some point

 

Take this w-a grain of salt. But with most of the women I've dated, they'll usually initiate most of the texting. Then anytime they reach out, I plan the next date because they're communicating they want to see me again.

 

I personally think this is a great set up. I mean as a guy I'm planning, paying, initiating sex, etc.. So the least a woman can do is initiate the texting.

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like a perfectly healthy start to a healthy relationship to me.

[laelithia]

Take this w-a grain of salt. But with most of the women I've dated, they'll usually initiate most of the texting. Then anytime they reach out, I plan the next date because they're communicating they want to see me again.

 

I personally think this is a great set up. I mean as a guy I'm planning, paying, initiating sex, etc.. So the least a woman can do is initiate the texting.

 

Ah I'm so torn about this! Everything I've read (like Evan Marc Katz, Katrina Phang) says that I should "lean back" and let him initiate... So hard to know what to do

[Frank2thepoint]

Ah I'm so torn about this! Everything I've read (like Evan Marc Katz, Katrina Phang) says that I should "lean back" and let him initiate... So hard to know what to do

 

How are you torn and unsure of yourself? You have seen the guy twice a week, he asks you out on dates, and you've had sex. You're placing barriers and excuses in front of you, because it clearly shows you really like this guy and are afraid of getting hurt. Relax and enjoy the ride. If it still bothers you after a few weeks, then broach the topic with him.

[Gaeta]

That's true, he has a very stressful job and has told me about it before. I'm worried that this week he might not contact me. I noticed last week I was the one to message him first on Tuesday after the weekend and then he asked me out. I'm wondering if I should initiate conversation again or let him do it. I do technically have his hoodie (he let me borrow it one day since it was raining) so I still have to get that back to him at some point

 

After 4 dates and sex there is no more ' who initiates first'. Don't you think men want to see us initiate as well?

 

And I am asking for the 3rd time. Weren't you just looking for casual? Does he know you just came out of a relationship 6 weeks ago? how long ago he came out of a relationship?

 

The way I see it you wanted casual dating and that is exactly what you're getting. He probably just want causal too meaning company and sex twice a week.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Gaeta

[BluEyeL]

After 4 dates and sex there is no more ' who initiates first'. Don't you think men want to see us initiate as well?

 

And I am asking for the 3rd time. Weren't you just looking for casual? Does he know you just came out of a relationship 6 weeks ago? how long ago he came out of a relationship?

 

The way I see it you wanted casual dating and that is exactly what you're getting. He probably just want causal too meaning company and sex twice a week.

I don't understamd why you're saying that he only wants casual. Because of not texting between dates or because of seeing her twice a week?

 

Not contacting you but for dates is absolutely fine. That's how my boyfriend did it and plus, he only asked me out once a week for the first two months.

 

The concern I have is that despite reading Katz and others you slept with the man before the exclusivity talk. Now you'll drive yourself nuts over him losing interest,being on the site etc. now that it's done just try really hard to chill. Another issue would be why isn't he saying he wants to see you again at the end of the date you're on. But that could be fine too. Just try to live your life and don't act insecure and if he's meant to be he will be, if not there's not much else you can do.

[Gaeta]

I don't understamd why you're saying that he only wants casual. Because of not texting between dates or because of seeing her twice a week?

 

Not contacting you but for dates is absolutely fine. That's how my boyfriend did it and plus, he only asked me out once a week for the first two months.

 

The concern I have is that despite reading Katz and others you slept with the man before the exclusivity talk. Now you'll drive yourself nuts over him losing interest,being on the site etc. now that it's done just try really hard to chill. Another issue would be why isn't he saying he wants to see you again at the end of the date you're on. But that could be fine too. Just try to live your life and don't act insecure and if he's meant to be he will be, if not there's not much else you can do.

 

My point is she starts her thread with she just coming out of a relationship and looking for some casual dating. WHY is she so upset he is not contacting her between dates then? That's casual, people casual date don't want relationships and don't want attachment. That's what he's doing, he's not creating a bond. He's actually breaking the bond between dates to avoid attachment.

 

To me: A man only contacting me for dates is a man only contacting me for next sex session. If he doesn't take time to touch base with me, if he doesn't remember to wish me good luck on something, doesn't remember anything about me through the week, he's not interested in me.

[SSJROMANCE]

There is a very good chance he is just using you for sex. I used to know a buddy of mine who was a professional womanizer. He would have 5-10 women juggling them all at once. He wouldn't hang out much with them only dates to have sex. The idea was he didn't want all the others to know about each other and that means getting a text from one woman while being with another woman. These guys are good and they are very charming pay for everything have a great time and it keeps the girls wondering but happy.

 

In your situation it certainly sounds like that is what he is doing. Think about it and reevaluate your relationship. If he wanted more he would be giving you more.

[Gaeta]

I don't understamd why you're saying that he only wants casual. Because of not texting between dates or because of seeing her twice a week?

 

Not contacting you but for dates is absolutely fine. That's how my boyfriend did it and plus, he only asked me out once a week for the first two months.

.

 

I think this way because he only contacts her to set up dates.

 

Once in a while there is an exception bluE like in your case but if you gather ALL of the stories on here from men only contacting women to set up dates it ended up A) not that into her B) Not ready for re-ship C) Just for sex etc.

 

Also the fact he takes her out or cook for her on those dates doesn't mean much. Some men don't want to think of themselves as jerks so yes they will wine and dine their booty call.

 

Think of it: You get one call a week and it's to set up a date that end in sex. What is it if it's not a fancy booty call?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Actually, I have a male friend that told me he does this purposely. He just contacts to set up dates and nothing more. Apparently, he feels that attraction can be lost if face time is diluted by lengthy phone calls between dates and keeps the mystery going.

 

Texting session with him:

 

Him: Hi, want to do a sushi night?

 

Her: Sure, would love to, when?

 

Him: This Fri. night, 7 pm at <name of restaurant, see you there, okay?

 

Her: Okay.

 

He purposely keeps things short and sweet. He's been listening to these dating advice YouTube videos and this method seems to be effective in creating attraction.

 

 

Hi Everyone,

 

In an effort to get over my past relationship that ended in mid July, I've been casually going on dates. Recently, I met someone who I am very interested in. I didn't expect this to happen so soon after the end of my relationship, but he definitely has all the qualities I am looking for in a partner (that I can tell this early on, for now it's just potential). For instance, he has a very good career, is a gentleman, very intelligent and attractive. That being said, I noticed he very rarely contacts me other than to set up plans for a date. We've been average about 1-2 dates per week since the 18th, all have been initiated by him and have gone really well. I'm concerned though, since he doesn't contact me much in between dates. I'm not sure if this is a bad sign, a good thing, or just how he is. He will usually contact me every few days to set something up, but doesn't seem to enjoy small talk. He will, however, answer all conversation I initiate, but I've stopped doing that. When we are together, the conversation flows effortlessly and I find the time passes very quickly. Each date he has seemed to plan out thoroughly, for instance one date I told him I'm not a very good cook, and he mentioned he would like to teach me. Last Friday, he invited me over to his and he made/taught me to make a beautiful meal (I'm talking steak, salmon, salad, potatoes, desert- it was like a 4 course meal!).

 

I'm wondering if his lack of communication means he is seeing other people (I met him online) which I suppose I can't blame him for since we haven't talked about exclusivity or anything. I'm a bit rusty on the early stages of dating (I keep dating exes...) so I'm not sure when we should even go there. We've had 4 dates now and I really like him, but obviously it's still quite early. Is his lack of communication a bad sign?

 

He's doing exactly what he should be doing to not get friendzoned by you.

 

Exactly!!

Edited September 1, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[BluEyeL]

My point is she starts her thread with she just coming out of a relationship and looking for some casual dating. WHY is she so upset he is not contacting her between dates then? That's casual, people casual date don't want relationships and don't want attachment. That's what he's doing, he's not creating a bond. He's actually breaking the bond between dates to avoid attachment.

 

To me: A man only contacting me for dates is a man only contacting me for next sex session. If he doesn't take time to touch base with me, if he doesn't remember to wish me good luck on something, doesn't remember anything about me through the week, he's not interested in me.

 

Well, OK, I'm sure different men have different styles. But IME, what's most important is if the man is asking you out rather than chit chat with you between dates. Some men are not the chit chatty type. Plus, yes, they are told it doesn't create attraction to be in contact all the time.

 

I did have guys who would call me and text me but not ask me out, so what's the point in having a phone/text relationship? Dates are when things are happening.

 

True, I didn't have the worry about the next sex session because we didn't get there until 3 months in and after the "we are in a relationship" talk. So if you keep it in your pants until the relationship is defined, you can figure out if the guy is after sex (he'll dump you by then) or really wants to have a relationship with you (he'll ramp up dates, get off the site etc). But, not a lot of people want to do that.

[Redhead14]

Well, OK, I'm sure different men have different styles. But IME, what's most important is if the man is asking you out rather than chit chat with you between dates. Some men are not the chit chatty type. Plus, yes, they are told it doesn't create attraction to be in contact all the time.

 

I did have guys who would call me and text me but not ask me out, so what's the point in having a phone/text relationship? Dates are when things are happening.

 

True, I didn't have the worry about the next sex session because we didn't get there until 3 months in and after the "we are in a relationship" talk. So if you keep it in your pants until the relationship is defined, you can figure out if the guy is after sex (he'll dump you by then) or really wants to have a relationship with you (he'll ramp up dates, get off the site etc). But, not a lot of people want to do that.

 

She need to sit back and observe whether or not he's meeting her early dating needs. If she prefers more contact between dates, she can address that with him at some point, and then observe whether he does that for her without further prompting. If he doesn't and that causes her to feel insecure or feel as though the connection isn't strong enough for her, she should move on herself.

[Lois_Griffin]

You make a lot of good points! I actually have no idea what it means, as there's no section that shows when they were online/talking to others/just opening the app etc. I suppose I just gotta take a chill pill!

You slept with him way too early.

 

If you're having sex with him and he's STILL very active on the dating site, I wouldn't be touching him. Sorry.

[Strahatmak]

She need to sit back and observe whether or not he's meeting her early dating needs. If she prefers more contact between dates, she can address that with him at some point, and then observe whether he does that for her without further prompting. If he doesn't and that causes her to feel insecure or feel as though the connection isn't strong enough for her, she should move on herself.

 

I agree. OP has the choice to accept or disapprove to the early dating behaviors, too.

 

There's no such theory about early date won't text. Most people will in fact text between dates because they want to be in women's minds. Even for a person who is not a fan of text or social networking platforms, he changes his behavior for the sake of dating. If he texts to schedule a date, why doesn't OP keep the conversation going to try to show him her needs? Or just tell him directly - not demanding it but addressing that she'd be happier to hear from him between dates. If he doesn't text after her request, it is safe to say that he merely has interest in her.

[BluEyeL]

She need to sit back and observe whether or not he's meeting her early dating needs. If she prefers more contact between dates, she can address that with him at some point, and then observe whether he does that for her without further prompting. If he doesn't and that causes her to feel insecure or feel as though the connection isn't strong enough for her, she should move on herself.

 

Oh, imo, you don't have to "tell" men anything. They'll do what they want to do. If the guy is not a communicator and the relationship didn't reach a "serious" level, there is no point in "telling him" what you "need". Sounds like you're nagging him already and it's not at that level just yet. Early on, you just watch and learn and be somewhat patient since you're gathering info. normally, if the relationship advances, he'll start contacting her more and they'll meet more. And then she can start telling her what she wants him to do. But men respond more to action than words anyway.

 

Also, what I learned is that most relationship problems are happening because at least one person are trying to make things "just the way they want them". Instead, I advocate letting the relationships flow and be what they are. If it's good for you, stay, if it's not, just go. Nobody will actually change because you tell them to. And nobody will do things 100% the way you'd want them or the way you'd do them. Learn to give up some of the control in terms of details and look at the big picture.

[angel.eyes]

Take this w-a grain of salt. But with most of the women I've dated, they'll usually initiate most of the texting. Then anytime they reach out, I plan the next date because they're communicating they want to see me again.

 

I personally think this is a great set up. I mean as a guy I'm planning, paying, initiating sex, etc.. So the least a woman can do is initiate the texting.

Dang boy!! You really make your dates work for it, don't you? I say yes to the date, show up for it, charm the guy, and thank him. That's plenty of effort and more than enough encouragement to call on the regular.

[Gaeta]

People on here tend to go from one extreme to the other.

 

There is a middle between getting 1 call a week to set up 1 date and chatting yourself to death between dates.

 

I believe a man that has an interest in me, more than banging me, will touch base between dates. He will remember things that are important to me like 'good luck today with that meeting' or 'did you have a fun at dinner with the girls last night'. Nothing more. If there is no 'nice touch' on his part between dates - after a few dates - after sex, ask yourself questions.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Gaeta

[Strahatmak]

Oh, imo, you don't have to "tell" men anything. They'll do what they want to do. If the guy is not a communicator and the relationship didn't reach a "serious" level, there is no point in "telling him" what you "need". Sounds like you're nagging him already and it's not at that level just yet. Early on, you just watch and learn and be somewhat patient since you're gathering info. normally, if the relationship advances, he'll start contacting her more and they'll meet more. And then she can start telling her what she wants him to do. But men respond more to action than words anyway.

 

Also, what I learned is that most relationship problems are happening because at least one person are trying to make things "just the way they want them". Instead, I advocate letting the relationships flow and be what they are. If it's good for you, stay, if it's not, just go. Nobody will actually change because you tell them to. And nobody will do things 100% the way you'd want them or the way you'd do them. Learn to give up some of the control in terms of details and look at the big picture.

 

Telling the date to do small things are "clingy"? Seriously? I hate those talks that women need to be patient and accept everything men do. In the end, it is always men who blame women, "you didn't tell me!"

 

Communication is the only way to draw people closer. Making small quests is just a small part of communication to let the other side knows who you are. If man doesn't adjust, then woman knows if he is suitable and what action she should take.

 

OP is obviously not comfortable with the currect situation because of the lack of communication, she doesn't even know what her date is or what her date is doing. Now this is a big problem because he could be sleeping with somebody else. Either leave or take action to make herself comfortable.

[laelithia]

Thanks for your replies everyone!

 

Gaeta, you are right, I was looking for casual. That being said, I was not at all expecting to meet someone like him so early on that I could really see myself being with. I do regret now sleeping with him early on (I think the wine played a role...) but at the same point I did enjoy myself and after being in a bad relationship for a few months it was nice to see I hasn't lost "it" (my ex had intimacy issues and for a while I thought it was my fault).

 

I have to say now though, I'm more confused! Some of you are saying this is normal and even a good sign, while others are saying its a fancy booty call. I really don't know which he is and because of that I'm not sure what my next course of action is. Should I contact him (light heartedly) and see what happens? Should I outright ask him if this is more than sex to him? Or should I do nothing at all?

[Gaeta]

Tell us about him. What did he want when you first contacted him? How long he's been out of a relationship? Was it a long relationship?

[laelithia]

Tell us about him. What did he want when you first contacted him? How long he's been out of a relationship? Was it a long relationship?

 

We never had the discussion of what he wanted or what he was looking for. I was going to ask on the first date and I never got the chance. I feel like if I were to ask now it would lend itself to the exclusivity talk which I think is premature (although we briefly talked about sexual exclusivity but who knows if he would be honest).

 

He's been out of a relationship for a year, he said it ended due to distance (they were both in Brusseels and he came back to Canada) and they were together for 4 years

[katiegrl]

We never had the discussion of what he wanted or what he was looking for. I was going to ask on the first date and I never got the chance.

 

 

***I feel like if I were to ask now it would lend itself to the exclusivity talk which I think is premature (although we briefly talked about sexual exclusivity but who knows if he would be honest).****

 

 

 

He's been out of a relationship for a year, he said it ended due to distance (they were both in Brusseels and he came back to Canada) and they were together for 4 years

 

If you can't trust him to be honest with you when you ask him a question, what's the point in dating him at all?

[laelithia]

If you can't trust him to be honest with you when you ask him a question, what's the point in dating him at all?

 

Oh I don't mean him in particular, I just don't feel like given the choice a guy would be honest about that early on. Maybe that's my trust issues coming to play but I have a hard time thinking a man would admit to sleeping with more than one woman in the early stages

[losangelena]

Thanks for your replies everyone!

 

Gaeta, you are right, I was looking for casual. That being said, I was not at all expecting to meet someone like him so early on that I could really see myself being with. I do regret now sleeping with him early on (I think the wine played a role...) but at the same point I did enjoy myself and after being in a bad relationship for a few months it was nice to see I hasn't lost "it" (my ex had intimacy issues and for a while I thought it was my fault).

 

I have to say now though, I'm more confused! Some of you are saying this is normal and even a good sign, while others are saying its a fancy booty call. I really don't know which he is and because of that I'm not sure what my next course of action is. Should I contact him (light heartedly) and see what happens? Should I outright ask him if this is more than sex to him? Or should I do nothing at all?

 

OP, what do you WANT to do?

 

I don't think there's any right or wrong here. Yes, I know the tendency is to want to stick closely to what all the dating blogs tell you, but even those are mere guidelines on how to act; not gospel.

 

If it would relieve your anxiety to reach out to him, then by all means send him a lighthearted text. That's not going to sink the proverbial ship. I don't think you're going to be able to discern his true intentions by talking about it at this point. Time will tell, as will watching his actions and listening to what he says. I think the best thing you can do now is be clear, again, about what YOU want, and act accordingly. Then, try and get a little comfortable with uncertainty, and don't attempt to categorize every one of his actions—don't put everything into a "pro" and "con" column regarding his intentions—just observe.

 

My BF, especially early-on, was not a great communicator, and for a while I thought I was just a "fancy booty call" as Gaeta put it. Boy was I surprised when things turned out differently.