Is it over? :(

[abby_tx]

Hmm... I've been faded on twice, both after first dates. When I smelled a third fade coming on (3 weeks ago), I beat him to the punch and said, "Hey, I had a great time with you but I don't think this is working." Funny because this third guy I see out and about ALL the time. We pretend we don't notice each other.

 

I don't know if I want to get used to something that feels so wrong.

[angel.eyes]

you'll be like me 'meh lets see who else is out there'.

 

Gaeta, you made me laugh! But this is so true!

 

Abby, you need to learn to brush this off and keep moving. Focus on what's ahead.

 

You've had lots of first dates with other guys. Come on! Why are you so upset about one giant nut? What makes this lanky dude so special anyway? He's not worth your anger or butthurtedness! NEXT!!

[abby_tx]

Gaeta, you made me laugh! But this is so true!

 

Abby, you need to learn to brush this off and keep moving. Focus on what's ahead.

 

You've had lots of first dates with other guys. Come on! Why are you so upset about one giant nut? What makes this lanky dude so special anyway? He's not worth your anger or butthurtedness! NEXT!!

 

Honestly, I have no idea! Sense of humor is usually top on my list and he didn't have one that meshed with mine. He was just started balding, had a goatee (which is number one on my most hated looks), and hair on his shoulders.

[Gaeta]

I don't know if I want to get used to something that feels so wrong.

 

They say to create a habit you need 21 repeats. You've got 3 fades now work on finding your 18 other ones and you'll be good lol.

 

When I meet a new guy I take bets with my friend on how long before he'll A)suggest sex B)go poof. You have to handle it almost like it's gambling.

[abby_tx]

They say to create a habit you need 21 repeats. You've got 3 fades now work on finding your 18 other ones and you'll be good lol.

 

When I meet a new guy I take bets with my friend on how long before he'll A)suggest sex B)go poof. You have to handle it almost like it's gambling.

 

lol. I wish I had a friend like you here. Literally all of my friends are married or in serious relationships which is probably why I come here for advice most often. This may be a bit personal, but do you have an unspoken rule on when you have sex? Because I'm so picky before I get to the first date if I like a guy, it's REALLY hard for me to put sex off for too long. But reading your comments on all the faders, it's evident I need to set some rules for myself so I don't get hurt.

[Gaeta]

Honestly, I have no idea! Sense of humor is usually top on my list and he didn't have one that meshed with mine. He was just started balding, had a goatee (which is number one on my most hated looks), and hair on his shoulders.

 

haha! those are the worse. You meet a guy, he's not your type but you keep an open mind, after a little bit of time he starts growing on you and BOOM he disappears. How dare he dump you when you're the pretty one!!

[katiegrl]

They say to create a habit you need 21 repeats. You've got 3 fades now work on finding your 18 other ones and you'll be good lol.

 

When I meet a new guy I take bets with my friend on how long before he'll A)suggest sex B)go poof. You have to handle it almost like it's gambling.

 

LOL!!! Seriously funny.....

[abby_tx]

haha! those are the worse. You meet a guy, he's not your type but you keep an open mind, after a little bit of time he starts growing on you and BOOM he disappears. How dare he dump you when you're the pretty one!!

 

nail on the head. hahaha

[Gaeta]

lol. I wish I had a friend like you here. Literally all of my friends are married or in serious relationships which is probably why I come here for advice most often. This may be a bit personal, but do you have an unspoken rule on when you have sex? Because I'm so picky before I get to the first date if I like a guy, it's REALLY hard for me to put sex off for too long. But reading your comments on all the faders, it's evident I need to set some rules for myself so I don't get hurt.

 

In my bunch of friends and family I'm the only single one but many of them did try online dating so I keep my stories for them. My siblings who've been married for 20 + years don't understand nowadays dating world.

 

As for sex, I am at heart very liberal and if I feel it I act on it 2-3-4 dates. I'm late 40s I don't have any virtue to save anymore lol and I am pretty good at separating sex and feelings. That being said I try hold it till 5th date nowadays.

[losangelena]

I agree with Gaeta. After a while, even a guy disappearing after two dates and heavy make out are par for the course.

 

It really bothered me at first, too, but it happens a couple of times and becomes commonplace (and you're right OP, there is something about that that's wrong). I know it sounds jaded, but I after a while it's like your eyes open to the full scope of human behavior. I became unsurprised by just about anything a man did or didn't do, said or didn't say.

 

But dating did get easier because of that. Because it allowed me to NOT get bogged down when a man behaved badly, or inconsiderately. For me it became, next and move on.

 

The words and feelings that come up in early dating should all be taken with a huge grain of salt. Your make out session felt like it was the start of something? Some of the best sex of my life I had with a guy I had no feelings for. You have to be able to hold those two opposing feelings at the same time. Passion, excitement and newness should all be tempered with a healthy dose of skepticism. Time is your friend in the beginning. Don't put your emotions and physical arousal response in front of the proverbial horse.

[Versacehottie]

I disagree. I don't necessarily think he's an *******, but I do think it's rude to disappear off the face of the earth after 3(ish) weeks of talking and two dates. A simple text like "I had a nice time, but we're not a good match" is all I need.

 

Don't be a jerk. It just feels so wrong to go from something so intimate to "I can't be bothered to say goodbye." I will admit to ignoring guys I'm not into if it's just been one date, but for anything more than that I send a very nice 'goodbye' text.

 

I know it hurts. But it IS common. You want to know why he probably is doing a fade because he can tell you are overinvested and doesn't want you overreacting. I'm not sure why you are so surprised. A lot of people told you this might happen and it does happen even if you didn't do anything wrong. Dating is a numbers game. Like I said, earlier in this thread, most people operate in a grey zone and are accumulating evidence if you are worth it to them or not to get into a relationship with. They don't have a definitive answer the moment they first encounter you but will proceed as if all WILL go well, ie proceeding on the date AS IF you are a match.

 

Guys don't like confrontation. Morally of course it would be nice for him to do the right thing and let you know. (I'm guessing he's just not really feeling it, which is the hardest thing to tell someone.) But it's only two dates and it wouldn't upset you so much if you weren't so invested. Try to figure out how to move onto the next one. Good luck

[Gaeta]

he probably is doing a fade because he can tell you are overinvested and doesn't want you overreacting.

 

He's doing a fade because he's weak and has no character. It has nothing to do with her being too invested or not.

 

When you have integrity and you take pride in doing the right thing you don't randomly do the right thing with certain women and not others. You do the right thing with ALL the women you don't want to pursue.

[Versacehottie]

He's doing a fade because he's weak and has no character. It has nothing to do with her being too invested or not.

 

When you have integrity and you take pride in doing the right thing you don't randomly do the right thing with certain women and not others. You do the right thing with ALL the women you don't want to pursue.

 

Sorry agree to disagree. That's oversimplified. People take the easy way out all the time and justify what they are doing. Also presumes he finds it morally correct to give an explanation and he may not. Some people, guys and girls, believe that no contact after a date especially in very early stages is self-explanatory, speaks for itself and not that big a deal. Her reaction to this is her investment vs his investment so yeah I would say it does have something to do with it. A girl who was not so invested (it is only 2 dates after all) would just be onto the next.

 

Anyway, whether or not he is fading is not the biggest deal. If blaming the guy and ripping him to shreds makes her (and you) feel better for the day or a few, go ahead. I'm not saying the OP should take all the blame but the only thing that is going to help her get what she wants the next time around is learning from this. And there is stuff to learn, on her end, that she can improve on and fix her mindset. I believe creating negative mindset about guys as the enemy or wasting time mad at his morals will be detrimental to her future progress in dating. But you can advise that and she can see how it turns out.

[Gaeta]

She kept texting him, he replied uninterested till he did not reply at all. He could have said something. It's not the same as when the guy never calls again and you decide to let it go and not bother with him again. No one needs to say anything they both got the message but when one keeps on reaching out it's the human thing to do to let them know you don't wish to pursue.

[fitnessfan365]

He lost interest or was only after sex. Not worth any more thought or energy.

 

My thought too.

 

Based on the heavy pursuing, sweet talking, and getting her back to his place on date two, it seems like sex was the main goal. When it didn't happen, he lost interest plain and simple. However, it's good that he showed his true colors before she had sex w-him.

[Versacehottie]

She kept texting him, he replied uninterested till he did not reply at all. He could have said something. It's not the same as when the guy never calls again and you decide to let it go and not bother with him again. No one needs to say anything they both got the message but when one keeps on reaching out it's the human thing to do to let them know you don't wish to pursue.

 

Well I stick with what I posted above. That is just more evidence of how hard she was invested. I go back to what is the underlying intention:

 

As a seller of course she is upset. He indicated he was going to be buying. She wasted her time. His interest was false or exaggerated. He took the car for a ride and didn't like it. Insulting. If she were thinking like a cautious buyer, she would think I found out what I needed to know (and she wouldn't have been doing some of the things she did), and move on. She would be uninterested in bashing him or grateful that she can find someone better suited to her. I saw a little of the gratefulness in a couple of her recent posts. I wouldn't advise getting hysterical and dramatic about the guy. Waste of time.

 

If he just was after sex (as roseville and ff are saying), a cautious buyer protects herself from that and is not disappointed that she missed out on that kind of person. No hysterics about guys please. It's not helpful

[katiegrl]

Well I stick with what I posted above. That is just more evidence of how hard she was invested. I go back to what is the underlying intention:

 

As a seller of course she is upset. He indicated he was going to be buying. She wasted her time. His interest was false or exaggerated. He took the car for a ride and didn't like it. Insulting.

 

 

***If she were thinking like a cautious buyer, she would think I found out what I needed to know (and she wouldn't have been doing some of the things she did), and move on. ***

 

 

 

She would be uninterested in bashing him or grateful that she can find someone better suited to her. I saw a little of the gratefulness in a couple of her recent posts. I wouldn't advise getting hysterical and dramatic about the guy. Waste of time.

 

If he just was after sex (as roseville and ff are saying), a cautious buyer protects herself from that and is not disappointed that she missed out on that kind of person. No hysterics about guys please. It's not helpful

 

I dunno V, after reading more of these posts, I feel a bit differently from before (par for the course ...lol).

 

But what exactly did she do, other than respond to a man who, up until after she left on Thursday, acted like he was totally into her?

 

I gotta admit, this is one of the most baffling situations I have read about on this forum.

 

Usually, it's obvious the guy doesn't give a crap, so when he disappears it's not a huge surprise.

 

But here, between all the intimate texting before the first date, a great first date, a great second date complete with a very passionate one-hour make-out session, then immediately, and I mean immediately after she walks out the door, he changes his mind and goes poof?

 

Who does this? I don't blame Abby for being confused!

 

I guess Roseville and fitnessfan are right, he DID just want sex, which totally sucks, and IMO does place him in douchebag category.....for misleading her the way he did.

 

Again just my opinion...don't know for sure... just very strange and sort of boggles the mind how men (people) can behave this way and still sleep soundly at night.

Edited August 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[angel.eyes]

To be clear, both men and women disappear in early dating. It's not limited to one gender. You could drive yourself batty asking why...why...why (a pointless waste of time and an exercise in futility IMO) or just move on to the next.

 

Hairy in all the wrong places, humor-deficient giant dude can continue doing whatever he does. I would have been on to the next the next morning when I got no text asking if I was safe.

 

Dating begins when you first meet. All the communication that preceded meeting in person is totally irrelevant. Two dates. Did he promise a third date? No. It is what it is. There are other guys...better matches...out there. NEXT!!

Edited August 30, 2015 by angel.eyes

[katiegrl]

To be clear, both men and women disappear in early dating. It's not limited to one gender. You could drive yourself batty asking why...why...why (a pointless waste of time and an exercise in futility IMO) or just move on to the next.

 

Hairy in all the wrong places, humor-deficient giant dude can continue doing whatever he does. I would have been on to the next the next morning when I got no text asking if I was safe. It was two dates. Who cares? Other guys are out there. NEXT!!

 

Yes of course *intellectually* we all know that is the correct response...

.

But here there was an *emotional* connection, or appeared to be, lots of contact and intimate talk before the date, during the date(s), culminating in a one hour hot make out session. Then poof!

 

Easy for us to say "just move on, next!" ....I am guilty of advising this as well many times .... but WE are not the ones who are emotionally involved, developed that emotional connection which HE fostered.

 

Yes intellectually, a cool next is the correct response, but very hard to actually feel when *emotionally* involved. Human nature.

Edited August 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Abby: You need a couple of rules of thumb.

 

When I think of dating I think in terms of 3.

 

3 dates: No matter what a man says or do as long as you did not go on 3 dates it means nothing. You're just checking each other out. The 3 first dates are known to be the very first test. When you get a 4th date invite than you can start thinking 'maybe this guy likes me'.

 

3 months: Until you dated for 3 months you are test driving each other and it can end anytime.

 

3 X 2 = 6 months: At 6 months it's the 'make it or break it'. Are you compatible enough, do you like each other enough to continue etc.

 

3 X3 = 9 months: You can start considering what you have is solid. You've been through a couple of ups and downs and you found your solutions.

 

3 X 4 = 12 months: This is when you know someone enough to decide if you're jumping in with both your feet in terms of getting engaged, moving in together etc.

[angel.eyes]

Great list! I'll add another. Until we're dating exclusively and I'm his girlfriend (for me the two are synonymous), I have almost no expectations. Anything he says I simply assume is what he's thinking in the moment...sweet, but not necessarily something that he'll still think once the moment passes. Time will tell.

 

Just enjoy yourself and the experiences you have on dates. The men will eventually separate themselves from the boys with time.

[Gary S]

If he does not ask you for a date within a week, it's probably over.

 

You really don't have a solid relationship until two months. It's much easier for people to flake before you hit that milestone.

 

To reduce rejection in the future, don't make first moves - like texting first after the date. Let the man do it - most will anyway, if they are into you.

 

That said, help them when they are moving forward. You can't get rejected when they are moving forward, they can't move in two different directions at the same time. He who rejects first feels better about the whole thing, so get out first. dating is a cat-and-mouse game...I don't like it, but that's the way it 'tis. Finally, go by their actions more than words........talk is cheap but actions scream. Listen to your intuition.

 

Also, multi-dating can help ease the pain if you do get rejected by someone, because you have another to fall back on. If you are really skilled at online dating, you might be able to bypass multi-dating altogether...some people can just go back online and find another date within a few days.

[No_Go]

Ohh I discovered this forum after very similar situation last year: two AMAZING 8-hours long dates, daily e-mails (multiple pages), heavy make out on both dates... And then: slow fade. Decreased contact, cancelled on me twice and then called to tell me he met someone else.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/483648-over-he-stopped-calling

 

My explanation: he was expecting sex, and we ended up making out with clothes on. Or, maybe he really met someone else.

 

I was incredibly disappointed, and I feel for you. It is the expectations that these guys created with us (and maybe many others...) - keep in mid that this is a MANIPULATION, and should be treated as such- no regret and move on asap.

 

Quick background: A guy messaged me on an OLD site. He's 27, divorced from a girl he's dated with since he was 18. We had such a great connection online and ended up exchanging many messages back and forth. He asked me out a week later. We exchanged numbers. This turned into texting in bed each night saying goodnight. Good morning in the morning. Talking this much is usually a big 'no' in my book. I made that "is he too tall?" post because that was the one negative (link below).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/543520-shallow-realistic-he-s-2-feet-taller-than-me

 

We went on a date a week ago today. It was nice. He asked me if I want marriage and kids and where I want to live when I get married. (A little too soon to ask me, but whatever. It's nice to finally date a guy that wants these things)

 

Second date was Thursday. We did our activity and at the end of the night I went back to his place to watch a movie. We kissed for probably an hour. It didn't go further than kissing and clothes on, but it felt really wonderful and passionate. It was the kind of thing where just as I'm about to leave, he pulls me in and we kiss more. So I leave his place. There's a storm and it takes me twice as long to get home. Can barely see the roads. I was expecting a text to see if I made it home. No text. The next morning, I wait for a text to ask if I made it home or to even tell me goodmorning. Nothing. I complain to my friends who say, "JUST TEXT HIM!!!!!" So I do. I make some stupid text about how tired I am. He replies that he's not tired. Nothing more. I can already sense things are different because this guy was ALWAYS texting me prior and using smiley faces like they were going out of style. I wait a few hours and text him this story I'd heard that I thought he'd enjoy. He replies a simple text. I reply. Nothing. I think, "This is odd. I'm just not gonna text and wait for him to come to me." Well, now it's Sunday. He'd mentioned being around my area this weekend and yet he didn't get ahold of me to hang out. No goodmorning or goodnight texts for the last three days.

 

I guess it's safe to assume he's not into me? I'm really bummed out because that kiss Thursday felt like the start of something really good. To be so wrong makes me feel like an idiot. I FEEL like I'm a catch, but to be rejected (especially after two great dates) makes me feel really bad. Do I say anything to him? Just let it go and never text him again? My friends tell me I need to multidate because I focus only on one guy at a time and then get hurt. Maybe I should set up another date with someone else.

[abby_tx]

To reduce rejection in the future, don't make first moves - like texting first after the date. Let the man do it - most will anyway, if they are into you.

 

I actually follow this rule and let them text first after a date. I let them set the pace as far as communication goes, but I don't meet their level. I take it down just a bit. I'm not a very affectionate person in the beginning. I don't share too much. I am cautious. This guy went ABOVE AND BEYOND to make that connection in the beginning and I ****ed up and let myself relax. I thought there's no way this guy is going to reject me now, so I made the move and kissed him first on our first date. I don't even know anymore. I think all I have to do is just date a bunch of guys so the ones that suck aren't a big deal in the whole scope of things (which is the advice most are giving and I tend to agree with). I wish dating was more wholesome. Meet someone. Date them and only them, keep honest and let actions and words match up. blah blah blahb

[abby_tx]

Abby: You need a couple of rules of thumb.

 

When I think of dating I think in terms of 3.

 

3 dates: No matter what a man says or do as long as you did not go on 3 dates it means nothing. You're just checking each other out. The 3 first dates are known to be the very first test. When you get a 4th date invite than you can start thinking 'maybe this guy likes me'.

 

3 months: Until you dated for 3 months you are test driving each other and it can end anytime.

 

3 X 2 = 6 months: At 6 months it's the 'make it or break it'. Are you compatible enough, do you like each other enough to continue etc.

 

3 X3 = 9 months: You can start considering what you have is solid. You've been through a couple of ups and downs and you found your solutions.

 

3 X 4 = 12 months: This is when you know someone enough to decide if you're jumping in with both your feet in terms of getting engaged, moving in together etc.

 

Funny you should mention this. It reminds me of a story...I was in therapy briefly last year and my therapist said, "what's your fixation on 3 months?" i tell her that's when we either break up or it becomes real. she told me it was just a number, but so far any relationship past 2 dates has been exactly 3 months long aside from my 7 year relationship.