Is it ‘rude’ of a woman to go to bed naked with a man & then say she doesn’t want sex

[Redhead14]

Oh, I agree that BOTH parties should take responsibility for themselves, absolutely. But to what extent does one have to control their urges? If you're not willing to have sex yet, does that mean you have to act like a nun? No kissing, touching, "fooling around?" Wouldn't that be a turn-off for a lot of men? Conversely, don't women so often get points docked if they let that urge get out of control and decide to go all the way too soon? That seems to be a turn-off too, sometimes.

 

Where does a woman (or man) draw the line? What's acceptable? What if she had kept her clothes on, would that have made a difference? My guess is it's different for every couple; and surely, there are men on here who say they wouldn't date a woman like this. Maybe she stopped because she's wondering if OP would keep respect for her if she had gone all the way.

 

It just seem to me (my own observation) that women fall into three categories: too soon, not soon enough, some but not enough. And once a guy gets hard, it's all on her.

 

let that urge get out of control and decide to go all the way too soon? -- It doesn't matter. If she decides to sleep with him and he has a negative opinion about her as a result, it simply means that they do not share the same view regarding that issue and so he's not a good partner for her anyway. You cannot uncross a bridge that's been burnt. In other words, let's say she asks him outright -- "hey, I wanna sleep with you on the first date. Will you think less of me?" He says, "yeah, I would" or "nah, I wouldn't". She sleeps with him and he lied anyway just to get the sex. It's a no win, she just needs to be prepared to accept whatever way it goes and it's on her. She slept with him, she accepts her role and accepts that they aren't on the same page in terms of a woman's sense of sexual freedom.

 

As for fooling around leading to sex -- that's on both of them. They are both fooling around, if they have sex, they both did it. If she doesn't want to go that far and he gets all pissy about it -- that's his problem and so he's not a good match either. If she has the self-control over her vagina, he should have the same self-control over his pecker. And, really, just get real before you start fooling around "hey, I wanna make out but not go all the way". It may happen anyway, but its on both of them. If one or the other gets all self-righteous about it, so be it.

[Pull n Pray]

Oh, I agree that BOTH parties should take responsibility for themselves, absolutely. But to what extent does one have to control their urges? If you're not willing to have sex yet, does that mean you have to act like a nun? No kissing, touching, "fooling around?" Wouldn't that be a turn-off for a lot of men?

 

Just fooling around is great with me so long as "fooling around" entails us giving each other orgasms one way or another. If not, I'd rather not get all worked up to begin with. It's just frustrating and physically uncomfortable. Just kissing would be fine though.

[Mrin]

It's not rude...it's a manipulation

 

Bullpoop on this being some "test" of self-control, morality, whatever...

 

 

It is total manipulation. I dated a women like this. She pulled it on me twice and even went to the point of climbing on top of me naked, grinding away and whispering in my ear (do you want to F me?). But no to any suggestion of sex. Condoms/protection/time of the month weren't explanations - all ruled out. After the second time I didn't bother even calling her again. She was in her late 40's so I can't chalk this up to youthful ignorance.

 

Manipulation pure and simple.

[Redhead14]

I imagine that if I were a man, got into bed with a naked woman on the third date, and she told me after making out that she didn't want to have sex, I would put my clothes back on and ask her to do the same. If it were her place, I would most likely say my good-byes and leave. If it were my place, I would politely see her out.

 

Getting into bed naked with a man is like waving a big red flag in front of a bull. I wouldn't play the game of the matador telling me the bull not to charge for an entire night in bed together. It's as if she's trying to establish dominance and tame the bull right out of the gate. I would simply end the game and take my exit.

 

I'd probably give her one pass, since it could have been nerves or whatever. But I don't imagine I'd tolerate such a stunt again.

 

It's just plain stupid behavior. Women get aroused too. If a man got into bed naked with her and didn't want sex, it sucks for her too. Why do that to a person? She is being "one foot in, one foot out". If I were him, I'd use my foot to kick her out.

[ImmortalDracula]

Are you telling me men have no rights? I once had someone hump my leg once upon a time as we lay in bed together naked. I had no interest at all in her in that way, but I can live with that leg humping. Or I would have halted her then and there.

 

Two people can go to bed naked and cuddle tis allowed, the body warmth, the trust, loneliness, depth of intimacy and so on. No hump is required and the man has an equal right to change his mind in all moments of time.

 

Can two people do this - methinks rarely. One, or the other, or both minds of most simply lack the capability. Therefore it should never be done, in most instances.

[Redhead14]

Are you telling me men have no rights? I once had someone hump my leg once upon a time as we lay in bed together naked. I had no interest at all in her in that way, but I can live with that leg humping. Or I would have halted her then and there.

 

Two people can go to bed naked and cuddle tis allowed, the body warmth, the trust, loneliness, depth of intimacy and so on. No hump is required and the man has an equal right to change his mind in all moments of time.

 

Can two people do this - methinks rarely. One, or the other, or both minds of most simply lack the capability. Therefore it should never be done, in most instances.

 

Yes, they are allowed. But, let's get real here -- down and dirty -- the fact is that if a man and woman are in bed together and cuddling, it's the man who is being directly stimulated just by virtue of the fact that the equipment is "out there". He can't help having direct stimulation and will become frustrated. The woman on the other hand, doesn't have that problem so it's somewhat easier for her to "hold off" so to speak. She would have to "hump" his leg or manually do it herself if he didn't want to go all the way. It's just unfair to a man, as far as I am concerned. If you don't want to have sex, do not get into bed, clothed or otherwise.

 

This woman wanted to him push her for it. It would have been an ego boost to know that the guy was just so turned on by her that he had to have it. She would have given in if he pushed for it, but she would have teased him to no end.

[h2man]

Quick question for Redhead and Los Angelena (...and anyone else

 

I’m curious… I don’t want to sound like I intend to be manipulative in any way, but say that a woman DID want to have sex, but couldn’t because she thought all of these things (he’ll think I’m too easy, he won’t call me again, what will my friends think, etc. etc.) what would be the best way for a man to put her at ease so that she can do what SHE wants to?

[RoseVille]

Didn't read any of the responses, just the OP.

 

It's not rude, but it's a really lame way to tease and test a man.

[MrBojangles]

Didn't read any of the responses, just the OP.

 

It's not rude, but it's a really lame way to tease and test a man.

 

 

I completely agree with this assessment.

 

Having personally been in a situation like this with a young woman once, it was very, very hard to sleep that night and behave myself.

[losangelena]

Quick question for Redhead and Los Angelena (...and anyone else

 

I’m curious… I don’t want to sound like I intend to be manipulative in any way, but say that a woman DID want to have sex, but couldn’t because she thought all of these things (he’ll think I’m too easy, he won’t call me again, what will my friends think, etc. etc.) what would be the best way for a man to put her at ease so that she can do what SHE wants to?

 

Well ... I'd say:

 

Keep dating her

Keep relating to her in a non-sexual manner

Keep assuring her that you're happy to go at her pace

Maybe don't put her into situations where you both get worked up and then frustrated if things don't go all the way

And by all means, when you eventually do have sex, don't disappear.

[Sunberry]

EH...It's stupid is what it is and manipulative.

[h2man]

EH...It's stupid is what it is and manipulative.

 

Not really... consider if you were at karaoke with friends and saw that someone really wanted to get up and sing, but could also see they were worried what people would think, etc. - so you want to encourage them - what would you say to them to do what THEY want to do - not what you want them to do...

[h2man]

Well ... I'd say:

 

Keep dating her

Keep relating to her in a non-sexual manner

Keep assuring her that you're happy to go at her pace

Maybe don't put her into situations where you both get worked up and then frustrated if things don't go all the way

And by all means, when you eventually do have sex, don't disappear.

 

Thanks, Angelena

 

That is basically what I have done (although we have not had sex yet...) but I have to admit, it is kind of 'killing' the sex drive in me for her, since she rejected me so 'dramatically', it has made me not want to try again...

 

I admire the guys on here who have said they wait for a women to make the first move sexually, but I don't think she would ever do that (although I wish more women would - it would make life a lot simpler and easier to understand for us guys! lol

Edited August 28, 2015 by h2man

[losangelena]

Maybe you said this already, but how long have you been seeing her? Have you discussed exclusivity? Is there a reason other than "societal norms" that she's scared off?

 

And how exactly did you get into the situation of both being naked and in bed and not having sex? I mean, I did that once with a guy, but the whole time he was telling me that it was totally my choice if I wanted to sleep with him (though we ended up having sex the next morning).

[h2man]

We've been kind of dating for a couple months, but I had to go away for a few weeks, so we kept in touch on Facebook - she said she was really keen to see me again and 'give me a big hug', and so when I got home I made her dinner and we ended up in my bed (which would have been about our 3rd date?) and went at it like crazy until she suddenly stopped...

[Ruby Slippers]

I’m curious… I don’t want to sound like I intend to be manipulative in any way, but say that a woman DID want to have sex, but couldn’t because she thought all of these things (he’ll think I’m too easy, he won’t call me again, what will my friends think, etc. etc.) what would be the best way for a man to put her at ease so that she can do what SHE wants to?

Will you think she's too easy? Will you call her again? While she shouldn't get into bed with you naked if she doesn't intend to have sex, it is smart for her to ask herself these questions before having sex with you.

 

The best way to put her at ease is to keep taking her on dates and showing her that you care about her for more than just sex. It sounds like she wants to have sex with you, but she's not sure yet that you care about her to any greater depth than as a potential lover. When a man romances you and treats you like a treasure, makes his desire clear by flirting with you in a sensual way, without pawing at you in haste, it's very arousing.

 

Most men say they don't want a girlfriend who has sex with just any guy, but prefer that she only has sex with someone she thinks is "special". She's trying to determine whether or not you're special. Are you?

[Redhead14]

Quick question for Redhead and Los Angelena (...and anyone else

 

I’m curious… I don’t want to sound like I intend to be manipulative in any way, but say that a woman DID want to have sex, but couldn’t because she thought all of these things (he’ll think I’m too easy, he won’t call me again, what will my friends think, etc. etc.) what would be the best way for a man to put her at ease so that she can do what SHE wants to?

 

Frankly, if she were a strong, secure woman, she wouldn't give a rat's rear end what the guy thought of her because she did that or whether or not she hears from him again afterwards especially if it was very early in the dating scenario. If she's doing that kind of self mind-Fing, I don't think there's anything a guy can do to reassure her.

 

And, let's be honest, even if you don't think poorly of her for doing it, but the next day you realize you aren't feeling it for her enough to want to see her again and you don't, she's gonna do that to herself anyway. A guy can't manage a woman's self-esteem/worth for her, she has to do that herself.

 

Bottomline, be honest and let her know you won't think less of her, plain and simple. There's no way to PROVE it. All a man can do is treat her with respect.

 

Until a woman learns to simply accept the fact that she has the right to have sex with anyone she wants to and that she should just assume it will be a one-night stand anytime she does, she's just never going to be comfortable about it.

[Hopeful30]

She probably changed her mind along the way. If that's the case she should have gone home, not stayed in bed naked with a guy she knows wants her.

 

That having been said, I can never, ever sleep with clothes on. Whenever I go to bed, I'm always naked. My ex boyfriends had trouble with this, well sorry. It's the way I sleep.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am kind of pissed at this thread because we don't know the context of the situation.

 

The night that I broke up with my last bf of 4 months this happened. He came over and I told him in advance that I can't have sex due to an infection. He seemed fine with it. We kissed some, watched TV and went to bed. Before getting into bed, he asked me to remove most of my clothes so that he can feel "closer" to me when we cuddled. I did because we have been together for 4 months and I trusted him. Once in bed, things got heated and I kept pushing him away and putting my clothes back on. I fell asleep only to wake up to him trying to take my clothes back off. WTF. I literally had to push him off me so that we wouldn't have sex.

 

When I asked him what he was doing...he said it's my fault for getting into bed with him half naked!!!

 

Due to this incident, I broke up with him the next day and blocked him everywhere. He ultimately apologized but I never responded to his messages. So yeah, I don't buy this thread.

[Diezel]

Not really... consider if you were at karaoke with friends and saw that someone really wanted to get up and sing, but could also see they were worried what people would think, etc. - so you want to encourage them - what would you say to them to do what THEY want to do - not what you want them to do...

 

Did you just compare sex to karaoke?

 

Major fail.

 

Work on your analogies, because it's absolutely NOT a good comparison.

[road]

Sunshine, I'm curious about your opinion: what is the appeal of everything-sexual but not intercourse?

 

Most men prefer intercourse to get off, let say if my partner did everything for me to reach an orgasm, why I'd withhold his right to have one? And let say, if I want to help him reach one, why use an "alternative" method? I'm not trying to argue here, just trying to understand your opinion (which I've also heard from others) for myself.

 

 

 

 

Women and men both can have O's without I.

 

 

No Bee-itch is required to go all the way whether on a date or married. Even for the Feminazi's.

 

 

Who has not had a wife that at one time or another did not want it, up to it, yet was able to offer alternate relief? An O is still and O.

 

 

If I was on a date I would want an I afterwards. Though I would be happy to get what ever I got. As a relationship progressed the need for her to up her game would have to progress.

[road]

 

If you don't want boys to poke things into your vagina keep your knickers on...

 

Knickers? Is English your 2nd language? :lamo:

 

 

Just kidding, guessing that your are in a common wealth nation.

[road]

If you want to fool around naked in a bed but don't want intercourse you advice the man first.

 

You can't get undressed, jump in the bed with him, get him all worked up, then tell him he's responsible for his erection. Well yes you can tell him but it's stupid and cruel. If you don't want a man to get an erection keep your clothes on.

 

 

 

Clothing removal on the part of either party is not required for a man to have an erection.

 

 

A meal can be enjoyed without dessert.

[road]

We've been kind of dating for a couple months, but I had to go away for a few weeks, so we kept in touch on Facebook - she said she was really keen to see me again and 'give me a big hug', and so when I got home I made her dinner and we ended up in my bed (which would have been about our 3rd date?) and went at it like crazy until she suddenly stopped...

 

 

 

Well after reading some other threads her on LS. She saw you were either too big or too small. She Goldilocked you for she wanted one that was just the right size.

[Tribble]

It's so interesting to see such opposing views on this. I'm going to get absolutely flamed for this but I've done it. With a number of guys actually. I was such a late bloomer it's silly so, for me, it was inexperience. I wasn't doing it to manipulate or as some kind of test or anything. There are personal reasons as to why but I found it very difficult to get physically close with any guy. On a couple of occasions (with alcohol involved which lowered my inhibitions), I got involved with someone who I knew. And we fooled around and ended up in bed and clothes came off. I know I should have mentioned it sooner but I didn't. I was a virgin and wasn't ready. And I literally didn't realise until I said I wasn't ready. The reality of the situation hit and I'd got carried away. I told them we couldn't go any further. I agree it is somewhat risky behaviour and I wouldn't recommend it but I did know these guys very well and all but one behaved themselves impeccably.

 

 

But I'm very naive on top of it all. I just don't get the impact. I remember being in bed with a friend hungover (nothing happened, he'd just crashed at mine) and I told him how someone had told me sex was great for a hangover. Apparently that is not appropriate to say to a guy you're in bed with. But to me, it's a statement not a suggestion.

 

 

I'm sure it sucks to get all riled up and it taken away but surely you can deal? And I'm sure lots of girls do this to manipulate but certainly that's not always the case. Sex with another person is not a right. You have no idea what goes through someones head or why they do what they do so to label someone as manipulative and cruel is a little harsh when we don't have all the details.