Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Flowergirl, I will create a safe place for us to talk, I love my Wife and would never hurt her. I just can't deal with this anymore. I have let this eat me up until it has consumed me. I am strong and I will survive. I just need to either confront her now with what I have or wait and gather more evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) Creating a safe space for her to talk may work but she can still be lying about other things. Most cheaters Lie, deny and minimize. I have a hard time believing she is just going to lay it all on the table. Keep digging! I agree. The reason that this might work is that she will want to believe it. Plus in her world swinging isn't a big deal and if it isn't with her husband either then it's easier to confess. There was a guy that called the cops to report that someone stole his cocaine. That's because in his world everyone used cocaine and it wasn't a big deal. If she denies everything then stay calm and accept it. Then buy a VAR. The best way to look calm when you talk to her is to wrap your mind around her having sex with these guys over the years before you even start the conversation. Picture it in your mind. Process it in private. That way you might not looked as shocked if she does tell you. If you go in hoping she didn’t you will looked shocked. Edited August 23, 2015 by Buckeye2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 As most cheaters gas light or trickle truth, then I personally would advise you gather more evidence before you do anything else. She may swallow the swinger routine as proposed, or she may note your thoughts on that, and just be more vigilant and take everything underground to maintain the illusion that NOTHING happened. PI would by my suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 The truth is the truth. My state is a no fault state so charging her with Adultery isn't going to matter. I believe that I will have to wait for the next comment or opportunity to press this and agree to a threesome to see if she bites and what she says. I will use a VAR. I have really got to get it together before she comes home, currently I am a mess. I said I was too much of a coward to ask the hard questions becuase I am afraid of hearing what could be the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Plant a VAR or two before the conversation. Keylogger etc. After the conversation she will want to reach out to someone and talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Elaine, I will have until this evening to plan my course of action. I am just don't want to make the wrong choice. I have three children that rely on us. I know my Wife will not leave me I just think that she has no boundaries in her fantasy world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Buckeye, I have a VAR I will buy another, I think that I will enquire into a Pi at some point. I don't think that she is a member of a swingers club, I just think shes a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I think your wife is bisexual and it appears that many of your friend's already know or have experienced it first hand. If she's calling as many times as you say, she suspects you know something more than you may actually know. I would confront her by simply sitting her down and tell her "I know what is going on," than ask her one simple question, "Is there anything you want to tell me?" and say nothing else until she speaks. If she starts with denial statements simply tell her your at a crossroad and what she tells you tonight will have a large bearing on the path you take. We know you love her, we know you've been together 20 years, you still need to talk to a lawyer so you know your rights and are made aware of all your options. You don't know how deep the rabbit hole is yet and you may find it's a lot worse than you can handle staying for. Get rid of all the facilitators, they are not friends of your marriage. Do you have access to all her phone records, find out who she's talking to. Those two men you caught them with in the bar are just the one's you know about, how many girls night outs didn't you catch them? I like you was the last to know about my ex's secret life. All her friends knew and often were alibies for her, it makes me ill reading your post and seeing so many similarities. Be ready for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Sandy, I don't know what I am going to do yet? I would like to hear some of your thoughts on this. I do not think that if she has cheated on me with men that we will not survive. I have too much going on for me to tolerate this. I have always had women come up to me my entire life I can find a replacement and she knows this. You've moved your boundary? Before you said it was over IF she cheated and now you say it ends if she cheated with men. Where's the boundary? You need to know where your line is firmly drawn = this is for you and your sanity... Otherwise you will continue to accept what is unacceptable for your standard. Cheating is cheating. In order to get her truth you will need a polygraph. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Alive, Iknow what I have to do I just feel like this is an out of body experience. I have not shared this with any of my friends or family, I just don't know who to trust in this mess. I would probably share this with my youngest Sister or brother, I really am stunned the more I look the more I uncover or I am just realizing all that there is here, its not a rabbit hole its a canyon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 S2B, I don't think that I changed my boundaries, I just wasn't aware of what was going on I need to either get her to confess to this or catch her with hard evidence. She wouldn't take a polygraph unless I had hard evidence and forced her to take it by threatening divorce. On Friday I started this thread and today I have become wawre of my true situation. It isn't pretty. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 What I learned here on LS, is that you do not need to prove to her, she is cheating. She knows if she is cheating, what you need to do is find out enough to prove to yourself beyond any doubt, that she is cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Elaine, I know you are right about the burden of proof, but I need to make sure that this is what it appears to be. The magnitude of all of this has just hit me and I will need to lick my wounds and move forward with a plan. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 If I found my SO making out with another guy "friend" in a hot tub and texts saying he thought that guy was handsome and hot, he would be gone the next day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I just want to thank everyone that is contributing to this thread I am reading your responses and taking them to heart. I know everyone here has suffered through infidelity and I know that I will as well. I have kept this bottled up for so long and now am here to face it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Elaine, Point taken, I did catch her making out with a girl in the hot tub as the womans husband watched. I should have swung the hammer on her then, but she told me that it never happened before and she wouldn't allow herself to get that drunk again. I had three minor children at home at the time, I was thinking about them. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I just want to thank everyone that is contributing to this thread I am reading your responses and taking them to heart. I know everyone here has suffered through infidelity and I know that I will as well. I have kept this bottled up for so long and now am here to face it. Hugs <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Can I ask why you didn't tell your wife when you were propositioned by her friend? I'd be very hurt if I discovered those things had happened & my H never told me. I'm English, we moved to the USA. Our community sounds much like yours, Mom's Club, bunko (ours was a 'Not Bunko' club) but similar thing. Women getting together & drinking & chatting. If women started to behave like your wife & her friend other women would push them out or drift away. Me & my friends wouldn't want the drama of that! Are there nice couples you were close with, play dates, game nights etc who have disappeared from your group? Were you close to any of the Hs? You could talk to them. In my experience 'normal' couples talk about this kind of thing in Moms club. Our old neighbor had a similar problem with his ex & the Moms club was willing to tell him everything she'd done for his custody hearings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Shattered Lady, I was afraid to tell becuase I didn't want this to come back against me. I just didn't want the confrontation. My Wife and Jill were so close I just thought that my Wife would be devistated and might have believed Jill over me. The drama was always below the surface and this club was always very supportive of the members. My Wife is loved by her friends and they are always around her they would never set her adrift. The problem is some of these friends are toxic. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I had three minor children at home at the time, I was thinking about them. I know, it is often not that easy to just walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Elaine, I did this once before on a cheating Wife and had shared custody of two minor children S4 D2, itwas the hardest thing I ever did. It truely was hel_ on earth. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Shattered Lady, I was afraid to tell becuase I didn't want this to come back against me. I just didn't want the confrontation. My Wife and Jill were so close I just thought that my Wife would be devistated and might have believed Jill over me. The drama was always below the surface and this club was always very supportive of the members. My Wife is loved by her friends and they are always around her they would never set her adrift. The problem is some of these friends are toxic. Get rid of all the toxic friends, decide if your marriage or her friends are more important. Sometimes having the divorce papers on the table when you confront sends a clear message that you need to be taken seriously. This worked for others like Verybrokenman if you read his first posting. She makes very bad decisions and you need to stop letting her decide the fate of your marriage and family, you need to be a much bigger part of the decision making. Reconciliation should only be on the table once you know all the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Being a good Christian doesn't prevent cheating. I've heard of enough pastors, vicars and active churchgoers cheating. A lot of guys aren't that threatened or bothered with their wife being with another woman , so I understand you haven't changed your goal their. I know it's the same but having a wife that likes women, seems more tolerable than a husband who likes men. Plus the whole thing with Jill - definetly a set up. Perhaps she wanted to have something over you , but you absolutely should have told your wife at the time. She seems to have a threesome fantasy and may well have made it a reality. I think because you are quite a catch, she thinks or though that you'd had other women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Alive, I have read and posted on VBM thread, I think that his courage and compassion that he shows is amazing. I need to have time to put this together before I confront her. I will MAN UP and put on my happy face and start to prepare for my confrontation this week. I will speak with an Attorney just to know where I stand. I will have to pay her life time spousal support in my State I already know this. That said I do not want to D unless the truth is too ugly for me to live with or she is unremorseful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) Sandy, I should have told my Wife about Jill, I know I should have been a man about this but I didn't. I made a mistake and I am paying for it. I needed to have the tough conversations with her but chose to ignore them ; becuase maybe I was wrong; maybe she didn't cheat and it was just me. My Wife if you met her you would like her, it seems everyone does. I am also outgoing a friendly and have many friends. I am not trying to villianize my Wife she is amazing in so many ways. I do love her, that is why my title is: Should I do anything or ride the storm out. I just edited this post becuase it sounded angry and I am not angry with you or anyone else here. I am just wildly frustrated. Edited August 23, 2015 by Bigdaddyt Link to post Share on other sites
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