Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Mr Lucky, I met my current Wife she was 20 years old and I was 29 she was kind friendly and I knew that she was a good Catholic Girl the plar opposite of my XW. I fell in love with her I didn't see her as a cheater at all she lived at home with her parents and had no history of cheating to my knowledge. She actually pursued me at first in our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Mr Lucky, I met my current Wife she was 20 years old and I was 29 she was kind friendly and I knew that she was a good Catholic Girl the plar opposite of my XW. I fell in love with her I didn't see her as a cheater at all she lived at home with her parents and had no history of cheating to my knowledge. She actually pursued me at first in our relationship. Understood. But you did describe her this way: Now the bad: My wife has always been a terrible flirt with other men and on more than one occasion I had to ask her to stop what she was doing (especially when she was drinking). She would always tell me that it wasn’t anything and that I need to stop being so jealous. Not reassuring if you've already been cheated on... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Mr Lucky, point taken I did and she is still. I just didnt see it at the time or it was hidden from me. I was her world when we first started dating and she was mine. We have been through a lot in twenty years together, yes she is a flirt and loves to be the center of attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 There is nothing hidden that won't be revealed, and there is nothing secret that won't become known and come to light. Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 I don't have much to add, but sending you positive thoughts! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Sweet Pea Thank you for the positive thoughts. I am going through a period of self loathing. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) About a month later my Wife asked me to go to Jill’s houseand let her dog out because Jill was out of town on business. I went to Jill’s house and let myself in and Jill was home waiting for me, she was very scantily dressed and I was shook up a bit. I told her that I was sorry I didn’t know she was home. Jill said that it was alright and tried to get me to become physical with her. I didn’t and left I told my wife that I didn’t want her associatingwith Jill anymore, but I didn’t tell her what happened. Do you think your wife was setting you up with Jill? About 2 and half years ago was when my Wife was caught in the hot tub with Dick and his wife. I know that Dick and his Wife are swingers. I want to state that I have never given my wife permission to date other men. I realize that you never gave overt permission but I think your wife assumed that the two of you were in an unofficially declared open marriage. She may have even been trying to set you up with some action to feel less guilty. She started to complain about everysingle thing I did or do and was very critical, she even accused me of having an affair. I did not take comments well and I told her I have never cheated and I never would. This seemed to enrage her when I said this. Why would your wife become enraged when you told you that he had always been faithful? Answer: You took away her reason for not feeling guilty. Feeling guilty caused her to say the following: This May my Wife and I fought and talked about divorce and that is when she said that she was sorry about the men, she thought that I knew. Then she said that there was no sex. Why is she sorry? Edited August 23, 2015 by Buckeye2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Buckeye, I read your post and now I feel ill. I do now see that she was trying to set me up with Jill. What Wife would allow another woman to come into her house and touch her husband. I read this before going to bed and I just cant sleep. I am a obsessive person by nature and I have started to replay everything in our marriage in my head and these red flags were always there. I was just too dense to see them. My wife once said that Jill had told her that they should surprise me by laying naked in bed. I was shocked and I guess she saw it and said to me that she told her that I would not share her with anyone. Now I realize that her answer should have been hell no, that would be cheating. There have been alot of these comments throughout our marriage with different women and my Wifes current BFF approached us at a party and said that we should get together for a threesome. I have read some of my wifes texts between her girlfriends and some of them seem over the line. I don't know do women text each other and tell each other how beautiful and hot they look on a regular basis? I really think that my Wife is bi sexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) I never gave her permission and she never came to me and said that she didn't love me or that she was unhappy. We have a great sex life and being a Niceguy I alway make sure that I satisfy her first.Why is she sorry, I don't know I will have to open this can of worms and ask her. I am starting to see that this hole goes alot deeper than I could have imagined. Yes she became enraged because I made her realize that she was a cheater and she said that she hates this Catholic guilt. I have always told her that I love her unconditionally and I would never betray her and she was always very upset with my comments. My wife always tells me that I am beautiful and sexy and that she loves me. My Wife and I are hands down the best looking couple in our group of friends. I am not a swinger, I consider myself a Christian gentleman, I strive to be a good Father and Husband. Edited August 23, 2015 by Bigdaddyt Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Buckeye, I read your post and now I feel ill. I do now see that she was trying to set me up with Jill. What Wife would allow another woman to come into her house and touch her husband. I read this before going to bed and I just cant sleep. I am a obsessive person by nature and I have started to replay everything in our marriage in my head and these red flags were always there. I was just too dense to see them. My wife once said that Jill had told her that they should surprise me by laying naked in bed. I was shocked and I guess she saw it and said to me that she told her that I would not share her with anyone. Now I realize that her answer should have been hell no, that would be cheating. There have been alot of these comments throughout our marriage with different women and my Wifes current BFF approached us at a party and said that we should get together for a threesome. I have read some of my wifes texts between her girlfriends and some of them seem over the line. I don't know do women text each other and tell each other how beautiful and hot they look on a regular basis? I really think that my Wife is bi sexual. I am very sorry for what you are going through. when I read what you said about your wife's friend I thought it was a set up as well. I think she is probably bi-sexual, I have never had conversations or texts with any of my female friends like that. She may be wanting to explore this and has enlisted the help of her friend to try to tempt you because she probably doesn't know how to talk to you about it, she knows how you feel already. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Do you think your wife was setting you up with Jill? I realize that you never gave overt permission but I think your wife assumed that the two of you were in an unofficially declared open marriage. She may have even been trying to set you up with some action to feel less guilty. Why would your wife become enraged when you told you that he had always been faithful? Answer: You took away her reason for not feeling guilty. Feeling guilty caused her to say the following: Then she said that there was no sex. Why is she sorry? Great insight. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I don't know do women text each other and tell each other how beautiful and hot they look on a regular basis? I really think that my Wife is bi sexual. Er...NO. If a friend was feeling down, I may say something to cheer her up along the lines of "Of course you are beautiful, don't let anyone put you down", or "That was a great dress you had on on Saturday, really beautiful it suits you", but not regular compliments on her appearance like she was a lover, and not "hot" unless it was a running joke perhaps. I am not a swinger, I consider myself a Christian gentleman, I strive to be a good Father and Husband. It really sounds like you thought you were in one type of marriage and your wife thought she was in a completely different type of marriage. YOU thought you had an extroverted and flirty but faithful wife, SHE thought she was given free rein to do just about anything she wanted. "YOU gave me permission, why are you being so moral and Christian about it now?" Of course this may be just gaslighting on her part and an attempt to justify her actions, now she has been exposed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Sandy, I feel like I have been sleep walking through my marriage and I am just waking up. I know that in my heart that my Wife is Bi-sexual the signs were always there. I don't think that she would ever leave me; becuase I take care of everything and she would not be able to survive without me. I guess my Wife was always trying to entice me into a three way with her friends. I just didn't have a clue, what an idiot I am. I just thought that it was silly talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Road, Yes it is great insight, I wish that I would have found this forum years ago. Elaine, I get it my Wife and her girlfriends spend alot of time texting and visiting with each other and I didn't think anything about it until I triggered badly at the party. I guess the question for this forum is what do I do now? Do I confront her with what I have or do I let thinks cool off and dig deeper? Is this cheating still on going? I have notice that there were a few men in our group that gave me a wierd vibe almost like they were smirking at me over the years. Maybe it was all in my head but now I am replaying my marriage with her in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Sandy, I feel like I have been sleep walking through my marriage and I am just waking up. I know that in my heart that my Wife is Bi-sexual the signs were always there. I don't think that she would ever leave me; becuase I take care of everything and she would not be able to survive without me. I guess my Wife was always trying to entice me into a three way with her friends. I just didn't have a clue, what an idiot I am. I just thought that it was silly talk. You are not an idiot, you are a person who is trusting and had someone take advantage of that. Like many of us BS's you didn't see the warning signs because you trusted, which you should be able to do in a marriage. I felt like a complete fool after I found aut about my Husbands A but I now know that he was the fool because I don't know that I can ever trust him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 My Wife is away this weekend with my Daughter and youngest son. I knw she suspects something is up becuase she is calling and texting me off of the hook. She is telling me how much she loves me and that she cannot wait to be back home with me. I am actually shaking as I type this. I didn't sleep at all last night. One more thing to note, my Wife and I were susposed to go out Friday night to talk about this and I made reservations at a local resturant for us and as we were getting leave her BFF comes over with her Husband and they spend the evening with us. I thought that it was strange, maybe my Wife is avoiding the confrontation. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 BigDaddy I am reading your thread and can't help but to weigh in. If you really want all the answers, I would suggest you cool off and work on a non-confronting approach, such as: "I am thinking maybe I haven't listened closely enough to you as to what you want our marriage to look like. Can you give me an illustration of where we can improve / enhance our relationship". This approach will create a safe place to open communication for both. I urge you to not interrupt or show anger as that will shut her down and drive her away. YOU will only get the true picture by creating a "safe" place for her to tell you. Otherwise, the two of you will remain on two different non-parallel roads headed away from each other. Just my opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 My Wife is away this weekend with my Daughter and youngest son. I knw she suspects something is up becuase she is calling and texting me off of the hook. She is telling me how much she loves me and that she cannot wait to be back home with me. I am actually shaking as I type this. I didn't sleep at all last night. One more thing to note, my Wife and I were susposed to go out Friday night to talk about this and I made reservations at a local resturant for us and as we were getting leave her BFF comes over with her Husband and they spend the evening with us. I thought that it was strange, maybe my Wife is avoiding the confrontation. Are you planning on confronting her when she gets home or are you going to keep quiet and investigate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Colonel, I do not want to be confrontational and what scares me is that I hold things iside of me until I can't hold it in me anymore. I will collect my thoughts and keep reading until I have a solid plan of action. This plan even if it does include D, I will always take care of my Wife finacially so that she survives. I pray we don't go there but I have divorced a cheating wife before with young children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) Sandy, I don't know what I am going to do yet? I would like to hear some of your thoughts on this. I do not think that if she has cheated on me with men that we will not survive. I have too much going on for me to tolerate this. I have always had women come up to me my entire life I can find a replacement and she knows this. Edited August 23, 2015 by Bigdaddyt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 BigDaddyT If your wife truly had Catholic guilt she would have fessed up years ago. Especially after you caught her and her GF out on their "date". What I think you need to do is take your wife out on a date. To the local lie detector specialist. You can narrow your questions down to just a few. 1. Are you bisexual. 2. Have you had sex with a another man or woman while married to me. 3. Are you planning to divorce me after you get your college degree. Got it in three. Stop being nice. You have been nice way too long. Now go act like a former detective and former marine would. HM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Happyman, Yes she was a good Catholic girl and taught CCD and was active in the Church, she went to Catholic School her entire life, but we stopped going to Church regularly about three years ago. I am just planning on my confrontation with her when, how and there will be consequences if my suspicions are founded. With Jill my Wife had cut her out of her life completely and has even blocked her phone numbers. She is doing this out of fear, I don't know if she is afraid that Jill will tell me something or she afraid of getting involved with her . Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) My wife always tells me that I am beautiful and sexy and that she loves me. I think she means it. My Wife and I are hands down the bestlooking couple in our group of friends. I’m NOT defending or making excuses for your wife. But it must have been frustrating for your wife to be in the lifestyle and have this hot husband that would have been welcomed into it with open arms. Other women are making comments to her, she’s doing her best and you’re just oblivious. You’re not an idiot. Why should it occur to you that swinging was an option? I remember a single page Playboy cartoon from decades ago. It was of several average looking couples in a living room. Multiple sets of keys were on the coffee table indicating that they were swingers. The front door was open to let in this very hot couple. The caption was “We decided to wait until you got here.” I agree with kgcolonel if you want the truth. Have a heart to heart talk with your wife. Tell her the truth about you putting the pieces together. Ask her about swinging in general and that you might be open to it. Keep careful control of your facial expressions and the tone of your voice. Act like she’s just telling you about an interesting subject. For her it will be a dream come true. Encourage her to get it all off her chest. In her mind she can finally diminish her guilt and solve your marriage problems. She might even know just the woman to share you with. Remember don’t react to anything she says and make her feel safe. DO NOT HAVE A FIT NO MATTER WHAT SHE TELLS YOU. If you do you will be the bad guy for tricking her. Thank her for telling you and exit the room. Don't react to anything she tells you until you have plenty of time to think about it. At least then you will be playing with a full deck. Edited August 23, 2015 by Buckeye2 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Creating a safe space for her to talk may work but she can still be lying about other things. Most cheaters Lie, deny and minimize. I have a hard time believing she is just going to lay it all on the table. Keep digging! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) Buckeye, I am so ashamed that I was oblivious to all of this, especially for this long. I just trusted my wife completely and I know that she loves me. I know that she just wants us to go back to be us again and not talk about this any more. I took my Wife with me for a business trip for a few days for us to reconnect and we had a horrible fight the first night there. I took her out for a late lunch and bought her snacks and wine for the room, I had to go to dinner with my VP and I told her when I got back I would take her out. When I got back to the room she snapped that I didn't care about her becuase it was 8:00pm and she hadn't had dinner. I said that I was sorry you told me you were going to eat downstairs or order room service. I told her that we can go out now and we did and afterwards we sat at the pool and drank wine and talked , I know that this secret is eating her alive she is angry and doesn't want to be seen as a cheater. I am am too much of a coward to ask the hard questions, but I cannot live like this anymore it is slowly killing me. Everyday I feel worse and I am losing my self confidence. I now question everything that in our marriage. I am just trying to decide when and how to approach this. I was thinking that I should have cameras installed in the house to see what I get, I may hire a PI if there is another GNO. I believe that she is not currently cheating, but I have been wrong before and for so long. Edited August 23, 2015 by Bigdaddyt Link to post Share on other sites
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