Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[ShatteredLady]

Are you staying in with the kids while she goes out because you don't have anyone to watch the kids? I fell into that with my H. He would go to meet friends & I'd watch the kids. Why not have couple friends come to your house? Or go out less so you can afford a babysitter?

 

I've had some girl friends who just can't take their drink. I've even had a 'straight' woman try to make out with me because she was drunk! We were in the open plan kitchen, everyone could see! She was so drunk she thought we were alone! Another pretty 30 year old coworker would get drunk & get off with anyone...even a gross 60 year old married coworker guy she'd NEVER touch normally! She's got to stop drinking! All these women ended-up in horrible situations because of their binge drinking.

 

I'm trying to be hopeful here but it's very hard. What kind of women is she calling friend? We've got young kids & couple friends & it's NOTHING like what you're describing!

[drifter777]

Try,

I did breakup the hot tub trio and I told her she could not have any contact with this couple again. Would it have gone any farther probably if I hadn't caught them. Is she remorseful Yes, is she trying to fix things between us sometimes. I have tried VAR trying to catch new activity but I have captured anything. I did tell my wife that if I catch her being unfaithful to me with a man or another woman we are done.

 

Why should she believe you? You've caught her kissing a woman and she's told she "went out" with other men and you're still just whining about it. She knows you don't have the stones to enforce boundaries and she'll continue to violate them. You could try a true 180 and kick her out and file for divorce but I don't think you have it in you. Maybe when you catch her in bed with a man or woman you'll finally reach your limit and divorce her. Maybe.

 

If you want a faithful wife you are going to have to find a faithful woman. You should seek some counseling to understand why you pick these kinds of women - ones that will cheat right in front of you as if you enjoy being a cuckold.

[Bigdaddyt]

Shattered Lady, Yes I stayed home becuase we had no one to watch our children. This mess didn't happen overnight it was a slow process into this current state of madness. I am absolutely sick as to what I allowed to happen to my marriage. I allowed her to rug sweep and rewrite our history. I am to the point that I must step up and fix this or get out. I know that I am far from perfect eventhough I am a perfectionist, life a train wreck everything else is perfect.

[drifter777]

Let me add that when she "went out" with men she had sex with them. Grown men and women don't date and just hold hands.

[Bigdaddyt]

Drifter, I believe that in the past she didn't believe me but now she does. The children are older and I am financially secure, I know that she will have to drastically change her life style if we divorce and she knows this. I am not going to be cockold again. I am making my way through life and had to learn to adapt as I went along, my brother and sisters and I were all basically feral children growing up. I have learned by watching others who I admired in life not my family.

[bigman1]

Shattered Lady, Yes I stayed home becuase we had no one to watch our children. This mess didn't happen overnight it was a slow process into this current state of madness. I am absolutely sick as to what I allowed to happen to my marriage. I allowed her to rug sweep and rewrite our history. I am to the point that I must step up and fix this or get out. I know that I am far from perfect eventhough I am a perfectionist, life a train wreck everything else is perfect.

 

GENTLY, I SAY THESE THINGS:

 

It seems to me that you are blaming yourself for this whole debacle. You are taking responsibility for fixing it too. That is not good.

 

Your marriage may have sucked, but I'm not remotely clear on how that would translate into her openly dating other men or kissing a woman in a pool while her husband watched. The reason I'm not clear on this is because a crappy marriage does not turn into a cuckolding relationship. Step one, accept that and then ask why you make that correlation.

 

She did not rug sweep anything!! She was cheating and kept on cheating and did it openly and thought that you knew!!! If anything, she paraded it. Step 2, figure out why you think she was rug sweeping. She did not re-write history. Not from your posts, at least.

 

It is not your job to fix. You have a role, but to make it your job ignores her responsibility in this process. She is not a child. She is a grown woman.

 

Your upbringing is really sad, as you describe it. you have to break free from the bondage of that history. The first step is getting some counseling for you related to your self worth.

[Bigdaddyt]

Bigman, I have made peace with my young life and have accepted it for what it was. It was bad but other have had worse, I am thankful that I am not an alcoholic or a junkie as a result. I really am very well adjusted in life believe it or not. That said my Wife with her faults was there for me early in our marriage when I was a young dective and was shot and severely wounded in the line of duty. She helped me get back on my feet and after I was awarded an early retirement and had to find a job in the private sector. I just was so thankful to have her that I just allowed things to get too far out of hand.

[Bigdaddyt]

On top of this I had to deal with a very vindictive XW who was crazy jealous of me moving on and I was pulled into court for more child support everytime I changed jobs or got an increase. I am not making excuses for my wifes actions as they are hers.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm not defending your wife in anyway.

I do feel I kind of understand some of your marriage problems. We're very isolated. Having kids without a support system of family & friends to help is so hard. We fell into the trap of NEVER going out together as a couple. Life became work, kids, etc. no time for 'us'. I think you were trying to be a great H. Understanding she needed some time away from home & a break from the kids. She has been VERY lucky & taken complete advantage. My friends are all married with kids like me. I would love a night out but I'd rather go out once every couple of months WITH my H & save the money from weekly girls night out!

I know what you mean about rewriting history. In my experience people do that to defend their behavior. If you read things my husband wrote you'd think I was in a wheelchair & he was my poor deprived 24/7 caregiver! It couldn't be further from the truth. I don't know how people believe these things!

[Bigdaddyt]

Shattered Lady, It was very difficult after to raise young children with no family support and I had just left my job with a meager disability pension. I had to find work anywhere and I worked some jobs that required 60 plus hours a week. I cannot even believe what I am writing it actually makes me ill to read it. I do love my wife and children and will do whatever it takes to make this right. That said I will not allow this to happen again the line is drwn and I am monitoring what she is doing emails and texting.

[Bigdaddyt]

The trigger that set me off and had me find LS was in Oct of last year we ran into the hot tub couple at a friends party and I saw the husband and wife team pull another mans wife off to the side and the OM wife started making out with her while the OM watched. i absolutely snapped and my wife was afraid that I was going to hurt the OM and asked me to leave. We did after I told the the husband of the woman who was making out with these swingers. They are predators and deviants.

[flowergirl14]

This isnt about YOU its about HER! From what Ive read you have gone above and beyond in your marriage. Maybe to much so. It seems like she takes a lot and doesnt give much. You pick her up from the bar..what? She hangs all over random guys and girls and you give her a free college education? You pay and work your butt off for her and she says " I thought you knew."

As for the cheating its way way bigger than flirting. If she says it was an Ea it was physical affair. If she says it happened once it happened 7-10 times. What ever she has or hasnt told you is the tip of the iceberg. Your wife sounds like a serial cheater not a one time affair thing. You already have proof of this having caught her twice. She doesnt seem to care to much what you think afterall she knows you will move heaven and earth to keep the family together.

Dig deeper..higher a p.i. to follow her, put a gps on her car/ phone, read her text messages and emails. I think like someone else said.. there is a forest fire not smoke.

Next, if you do find out she is or was with other men what are you going to do about it? I would go to counseling for you. Time to take care of you for a change.

[aliveagain]

Why would you agree to your wife's GNO's, why are you and she not on date nights instead? Your going down a path of living separate lives and sharing children no different than being divorced, who's bonding with who? Time to lay out some boundaries and if she can't live with them it's better to know now than years down the road, why waste anymore time on someone you know is cheating on you? How much pain do you need in your life before you stand up for yourself and for your children? What you have is not a healthy marriage and a very poor example to set for your children, this is what they think is normal. Guess what type of relationship they will strive to achieve?

 

There are things far worse than divorce, sharing your wife with other men and women is one of them. Tell your wife that she is free to continue her life of dating other men, just not as your wife. Her behaviour will stop when you stop affirming your acceptance of it. Doing little to nothing about it is the same as giving her your approval to continue. Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights and protect your children. Get rid of all her facilitating friends, they are not friends of your marriage. If removing yourself from infidelity includes getting rid of her, do it because you deserve better.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Is some of the complaints she has is that she's isolated, overworked, and feels controlled/dominated? Because some of what you say sounds pretty controlling... Like how your job was to force her to stay home and be a mother.

 

I'm not saying that excuses what she may be doing, but that you can't fix her, only yourself... The more you push her, the less likely she will follow it.

[S2B]

Shattered Lady, It was very difficult after to raise young children with no family support and I had just left my job with a meager disability pension. I had to find work anywhere and I worked some jobs that required 60 plus hours a week. I cannot even believe what I am writing it actually makes me ill to read it. I do love my wife and children and will do whatever it takes to make this right. That said I will not allow this to happen again the line is drwn and I am monitoring what she is doing emails and texting.

 

You can't 'control her'. She has no self control. That's not your fault.

 

You said you'd end the marriage if she cheated. She has cheated. And you know about it but you're not seeing it. It was with another woman. Maybe also other men. But her girlfriends that visit now- she may be dipping in the lady pond more often than you think.

 

Have her take a polygraph. You need answers.

 

And I hope you moved ALL your money. She can earn her own and pay her own way. No more being funded by you. She plans to leave you anyway when she gets her degree.

 

Protect yourself!

 

And she has a drinking problem. You can't fix that for her either.

 

She needs time on her OWN to sort out her crap. She can get a job and do that FOR herself.

 

It's time for you to take care of you FIRST! Stop helping her take advantage of you.

 

Hugs

[drifter777]

Drifter, I believe that in the past she didn't believe me but now she does. The children are older and I am financially secure, I know that she will have to drastically change her life style if we divorce and she knows this. I am not going to be cockold again. I am making my way through life and had to learn to adapt as I went along, my brother and sisters and I were all basically feral children growing up. I have learned by watching others who I admired in life not my family.

 

Well then you've not been clear with your timeline OR you've begun to defend your wife so that you can avoid acknowledging the truth. She has cheated on you, is probably cheating on you now, and she's going to keep cheating on you. She's sick and you can't fix her. As long as you stay with her you will be collateral damage due to her cheating ways. And it won't stop until you either leave her or die.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you do have a part in this. How do you exit this marriage?

 

I am a survivor of infidelity in that my first wife cheated on me and I actually caught her in the act

 

And then marry her?

 

Now the bad: My wife has always been a terrible flirt with other men and on more than one occasion I had to ask her to stop what she was doing (especially when she was drinking). She would always tell me that it wasn’t anything and that I need to stop being so jealous.

 

I'd discuss with a therapist the mindset that causes you to place yourself in these situations. Glossing over your wife's hot tub encounter is another example of the same thing -you're certainly not setting yourself up for marital success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Your wife has been partying. She's a big flirt. She's got nearly no boundary. She disrespects you and shows no honor.

 

Do you really think she's going to change all those things about herself? I doubt it.

 

She's shown you exactly who she is. You need to believe this is her.

 

You want to live with that? That's what YOU choose if you stay. Don't expect her to change, she won't. She will just hide it better.

 

If you have to forfeit your peace of mind in order to stay it's definitely not worth it.

[sandylee1]

I think you do have a part in this. How do you exit this marriage?

 

 

 

And then marry her?

 

 

 

I'd discuss with a therapist the mindset that causes you to place yourself in these situations. Glossing over your wife's hot tub encounter is another example of the same thing -you're certainly not setting yourself up for marital success...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He divorced the wife he caught in the act. That was with a man in their home.

[cgiles]

When I read your post, I thought about this :

 

Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." They are happiest when they are

making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid

upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned

about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they

are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.

 

It's from this book : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

 

You should read it.

 

You can read "The married man sex life primer 2011" by Athol Kay, it's a book about relationship, not sex.

 

It would go perfectly with you being a rat gym.

[Bigdaddyt]

I want to thank everyone for your responses and they are notall ones that I want to hear but I know they are the truth. I am a Nice Guy;there are no ifs, ands or buts. This is something that I have been trying tochange and that is why I am here. I want to state that I have never given mywife permission to date other men and I never would have if I had known. Duringmy journey to get rid of my Mr. Nice guy disease to please everyone but myselfis still on going. My wife and I are best friends and we can finish eachother’s thoughts and sentences that is why this is so tough to go through

Timeline: My Wife and I married 20 years ago and have beentogether for 22 years. I was a law enforcement officer and my Wife was acivilian employee there. I was going through my divorced and I was absolutely starved for love and attention at the time. My wife and I fell in love and I was and am close with her Family. My Daughter was born a year after we marriedand my son 18 months later.

We moved a number of times for my work and settledin our current home 11 years ago. We were very happy and living the Americandream, at least I thought that we were. My wife during this time was a SAHM and active in theChurch, children’s school, and she was the President of the locals Moms Club.My wife started having the other Moms over to the house during the day for playdates and to swim in our pool. My wife and the other Moms started to have bunkoparties at their house rotating them each month. I always referred to them as DRUNKO parties. This is when she met her girlfriend Jill. Later I met herhusband and became friends. Jill’s husband is a good person. Jill and my wifestarted to go out shopping and play dates then GNO. This went on for about 4years before I caught them with the two men at the bar. I never had a reason tosuspect them at the time. I had to stay home to watch the children because wedidn’t have anyone to watch them that we trusted, this put a strain onmarriage. When I caught my Wife and Jill with the two men they bothsaid that they had just came up and sat down and it wasn’t a big deal. I knowthat now is a lie. My Wife was the Master (Jedi Mind trick) in making me secondguess what I had seen or heard. It was also during this time that my wife and Imet the other man from the hot tub and his wife, let’s call him Dick

Dick and my Wife started to play Words with Friends onFacebook, and one night when she was on the computer I saw a message from Dickthat stated that my Wife was being a hurtful Bitc_. I was very upset and askedher what this message was about and she said that he was just joking around.

About five years ago Jill’s Husband and she started to haveproblems in their marriage and they separated with two small children. Jillstarted around this time to be very flirtatious with me and was always findinga reason to walk by and touch me. This started to get on my Wife’s nerves butshe didn’t say anything to her friend ad told me to just ignore it. Jill startedto come over to our house when my wife was away and uses our pool and she wasalways talking inappropriately to me. On one occasion Jill showed up at thehouse on a Saturday night my Wife was at the shore for a weekend with the Childrenand her parents and Jill came in and tried to kiss me and told me that sheloved me. I told her that I wasn’t interested and that I wouldn’t cheat on myWife and Children. I asked her to leave but I never told my Wife.

About a month later my Wife asked me to go to Jill’s houseand let her dog out because Jill was out of town on business. I went to Jill’s houseand let myself in and Jill was home waiting for me, she was very scantilydressed and I was shook up a bit. I told her that I was sorry I didn’t know shewas home. Jill said that it was alright and tried to get me to become physicalwith her. I didn’t and left I told my wife that I didn’t want her associatingwith Jill anymore, but I didn’t tell her what happened. That weekend Jill wasarrested for DUI and her life started to spiral out of control

About 2 and half years ago was when my Wife was caught inthe hot tub with Dick and his wife. It was at this point I started to reallywork to lose weight and start to go out more without my wife. I know that Dickand his Wife are swingers and that Dicks wife is Bi I have cut them out ofcoming into our house but we still see them when we are at friends’ houses andour children see each other daily in school

In October of last year I saw Dick and his Wife at a friend’sparty and I snapped. It was also during this time that my Wife and I started todisconnect and were not sexually active. She started to complain about everysingle thing I did or do and was very critical, she even accused me of havingan affair. I did not take comments well and I told her I have never cheated andI never would. This seemed to enrage her when I said this

This May my Wife and I fought and talked about divorce andthat is when she said that she was sorry about the men, she thought that Iknew. Life sucks sometimes

[Bigdaddyt]

Flower Girl, I know that I am going to dig deeper on this, I do not know if this is still on going but I will have to determine this. I think that I am going to hold off on the confrontation for now and do a little more digging, my Wife took our Daughter back to College today and will be away for the weekend. I plan to go back to my old ways and earch the house and the computer and emails for anything. I believe that when the kids are back in school full time if she is up to anything then I will catch her.

[aliveagain]

Hope you have a keylogger on her computer.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive Again, I have read your threads and I am sorry for the pain of your XW infidelity caused you and the loss of what you thought was your son. I do not have a keylogger becuase my wife doesnt use the home PC. She uses her Ipad or her Iphone.

[Mr. Lucky]

He divorced the wife he caught in the act. That was with a man in their home.

 

Understood. But, having experienced infidelity, how does the OP end up with a second wife with obvious boundary issues concerning other men?

 

I similarly had my first marriage end due to my wife's infidelity. I guarantee you, before I remarried, I paid very close attention to the manner in which my then GF interacted with others. Once bitten, hopefully twice shy...

 

Mr. Lucky