Toodaloo Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 It's quite a clever profile, he has used a bit of reverse psychology dfrom reading some women's profiles. See to me this would read he is looking for casual.... I could be wrong. Your not. I have got to know him well. We do not want to date each other but we have become friends. He doesn't want to date seriously because he gets very bored very quickly. If and when he finds a girl who can keep his attention span longer than 5 minutes he will settle but he is a very active and intelligent man. But it is an example of a good profile. Link to post Share on other sites
impatiently_patient Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Quite the contrary, I have shared my advice many, many times but every time people simply refuse to listen. As you say it's like a trope. They all come out of the woodwork to bash OLD at every opportunity. They have never shared their (anonymized) profiles either for constructive criticism or for me or anyone else to suggest improvements. They simply say they have a good profile and pics therefore I am wrong and OLD sucks. Frankly I mostly ignore these guys, it's always the same crowd, and trying to help them out is simply bashing my head against a brick wall. Most of my profile advice is given on the POF forums where people sometimes actually listen to it. Done I appreciate that very much, Pete. There are a lot of Bulls___ers on the Internet. Like I said in my PM, I'm a bit surprised by the prof being almost monotonically focused on hobbies / passtimes. Mine has always mentioned a variety myself, but apparently sullied by other dimensions of character. The humor, albeit canned feeling, is probably peppered on at the right percentage as well. Let's see if the pepper holds salt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author catlady11 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 I hate to say it but I think I'm going to have to tell this guy I'd rather we not meet and just stop chatting with him. We texted the other night and I thought things were finally getting better and he even texted me good morning the next day. Now the few texts I get are short and impersonal. My last text to him was "sounds like you're busy. If you want to have a conversation fine, otherwise I'm going to go. Later." I'm not getting a good vibe from this guy. He's told me on two separate occasions how his wife cheated on him and I get the feeling he's got baggage from it and hasn't gotten over it. I'm going to listen to my gut on this one. Honestly, the thought of watching a mindless sitcom sounds more appealing than meeting him for coffee lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Listen to your guy Cat. I have gone to meet guys that I thought I was being silly about because something at the back of my neck said do not do it... Everything else was fine... but those little hairs were saying something was not quite right... Every time its been a disaster. Just say that you are sorry but you don't want to meet and wish him the best. Move on. Listen to your gut. For info sake the guy I met at the weekend that I mentioned earlier in this thread. He has got a semi rejection because he is still married. I think its a good enough excuse to say no... Link to post Share on other sites
Author catlady11 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Toodaloo, I got a text from him this morning around 4:45 (he was leaving for work, he gets up around 4) and he apologized, said he fell asleep on the couch last night and told me good morning and to have a great day. I didn't respond at first so he texted me again that he was sorry. i texted back, told him to have a great day as well and he texted back within a minute lol. I don't know. Sigh. I'm on the fence about it now. I don't want to be inflexible, people DO fall asleep on the couch lol. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 This annoys me and I don't know if I should lighten up or not. If I should tell me lol. I get guys that message me and the first thing they'll message is something like "hey sweetie!" or along those lines and that's it. It's a turn-off to have someone I don't even know use a term of endearment like that. What the heck is wrong with you? A guy says "HI" in some form. You look at his profile and see if he seems like a fit for you. If so you begin a conversation with him. For F*cks Sake nobody is going to spend 3 hours composing you love poetry right off the bat. In fact these poor schmucks have 99% of their messages completely ignored no matter how much time and effort is spent crafting them. Online dating isn't complicated. It just takes you not being crazy in your expectations up front. If you can't handle not being crazy... buy another cat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I remember when I first started OLD. I'd sit there and read a profile, spend time carefully crafting an email that was tailored to citing things we might have in common and asking her questions. After finishing, a good 20-25 minutes had gone by. Attention to detail. Read and delete. Understand this, a lot of men are not going to waste effort on doing this for women who are simply not going to respond. It's much easier to email 100 women in 25 minutes with something shorter than it is to waste it on 1/4th of the number trying to engage them intellectually. Trying to snipe on OLD versus a shotgun approach is futile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author catlady11 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Sawtooth, I don't expect poetry or a long missive. Just something more than a "hey cutie" or a sentence that says more than "how you doin?" It's not that hard for a guy (or a gal) to look at a profile of someone they're interested in and come up with a sentence of two to start a conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
MixedUpChick Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Catlady, have you guys actually talked about meeting? It sounds like you've been texting at least to some degree for days now, are you delaying meeting or is he? Link to post Share on other sites
Author catlady11 Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 We're planning to meet this Sunday far as I know. He works 6 days a week and Sunday is his only day off for a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MixedUpChick Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Good. In the mean time, try not to stress too much over short or delayed texts. Don't waste time or energy getting invested in this guy before you even meet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author catlady11 Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 I was looking at the dating site I use last night and saw this guy that had a great profile-made me laugh out loud. Messaged him and all I can say is what a world of difference! He got back to me right away with a long message (great sense of humor) and he made it effortless to message him back. He gave me his phone number and his full name so I could look him up on facebook. I get a good vibe from him. I value a sense of humor and this guy has it lol. Messaging him made me realize more of what I want and that I shouldn't settle (like I feel like I'm doing now with this other guy). What's a nice way to let the other guy know I changed my mind about meeting? I don't want to ghost him; that's cowardly and I sure as heck wouldn't want it done to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Don't ghost. If you've already committed to going, then go. If you don't feel anything then, then don't accept the offer of a second date if there is one. Here's the thing—you can be messaging and going out with a number of people concurrently. I once met three new guys over the course of three days and moved ahead with one of them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Don't ghost. If you've already committed to going, then go. If you don't feel anything then, then don't accept the offer of a second date if there is one. Here's the thing—you can be messaging and going out with a number of people concurrently. I once met three new guys over the course of three days and moved ahead with one of them. I totally agree with this. Be excited that you have connected with someone new, but don't throw everyone else to the side based on a couple of messages. Meet the guy you already agreed to meet, and also meet this new guy! It's so easy for someone to go from red hot to silent online, and really, you can't know if anyone has potential till you meet them in person. That's when the actual dating starts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author catlady11 Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 I hear what you're both saying but I get the feeling he's not really interested and if he is he has a funny way of showing it. Shouldn't I listen to my gut? Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I hear what you're both saying but I get the feeling he's not really interested and if he is he has a funny way of showing it. Shouldn't I listen to my gut? I'd still say go. If it goes badly, it's what, an hour or two out of your life? Don't worry about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I hear what you're both saying but I get the feeling he's not really interested and if he is he has a funny way of showing it. Shouldn't I listen to my gut? He hasn't met you yet! He's set up a meeting, so there must be some level of interest there. If you meet him and he doesn't show more interest, then don't go on a second date with him. Now if you were picking up huge red flags like racism, creepiness, etc. I'd say don't go. But if the only thing holding you back is you're unsure of his level of interest, go on the date, be yourself and see if you spark something. What do you really have to lose? And just to show why I would say go - a lot of the men I have ended up dating more seriously are not guys I was particularly interested in before the first date, and maybe I was not "all over them" with messagning. Then we met in person and there was something there. On the other hand, I have had amazing email exchanges with guys and been so excited to meet them, got there and nothing. It's all a bit of a crapshoot IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I hate to say it but I think I'm going to have to tell this guy I'd rather we not meet and just stop chatting with him. We texted the other night and I thought things were finally getting better and he even texted me good morning the next day. Now the few texts I get are short and impersonal. My last text to him was "sounds like you're busy. If you want to have a conversation fine, otherwise I'm going to go. Later." I'm not getting a good vibe from this guy. He's told me on two separate occasions how his wife cheated on him and I get the feeling he's got baggage from it and hasn't gotten over it. I'm going to listen to my gut on this one. Honestly, the thought of watching a mindless sitcom sounds more appealing than meeting him for coffee lol. Ok, I read back... The baggage thing is a bit of a red flag. So if that's why you're thinking bail, then yeah, go with your gut. But just don't put too much stock into communication before you meet or you might miss out on some good options. What matters is what happens on the first date and after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mjm1014 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 First of all, coming from a guy, I wouldn't write off a guy that sends you a "hey" message. That's how I was. Most guys can message tons of girls and only hear back from a few initially so think about how much time would be wasted sending a long drawn out messaege to be ignored. What they are doing is putting the ball in your court at first before they take tons of time to get to know someone. As for the other part, yeah that annoys me too when someone writes a long message then everything else is short and sweet and one sided. Those are the people you need to keep clear from because they obviously aren't too serious about getting to know you and usually are talking to lots of other people. When you hit it off with someone you'll know, because it will feel awesome. There are so many people out there, next the ones that are hard to talk to!!! From my experience, they were bad news from the start even after we went on dates-something just didn't seem genuine (too busy getting to know other people so they wouldn't invest time getting to know me). Again, I wouldn't write off the guy that sends a one word "hey" to start a convo, that's silly! Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author catlady11 Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 I've been thinking about it and I just have no desire to meet him. "As for the other part, yeah that annoys me too when someone writes a long message then everything else is short and sweet and one sided. Those are the people you need to keep clear from because they obviously aren't too serious about getting to know you and usually are talking to lots of other people. When you hit it off with someone you'll know, because it will feel awesome. There are so many people out there, next the ones that are hard to talk to!!! From my experience, they were bad news from the start even after we went on dates-something just didn't seem genuine (too busy getting to know other people so they wouldn't invest time getting to know me)" That's it, it doesn't seem genuine. I've been messaging another guy and it IS awesome! The conversation flows, I look forward to his messages and I hope he brings up meeting in person soon. I'm going to have to message him and let him know that I've changed my mind, I just don't feel like this is something I'd like to pursue. Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I've experienced both, the empty inbox for days or weeks and the dozens of useless messages in a few hours. Whenever I did OLD I immediately deleted the messages that mentioned sex, and with all other messages I checked out their profile. If it was well-written and the guy looked nice enough, I would reply. If I did not like the profile I did not. While I was not fond of the "Hey cutie" message, I usually saw it as a way for them to check if I am interested. Like a 'poke' I guess. I would reply to a message like that with "hey yourself" and thereby indicate that I am interested and then wait for the second message, which I expected to be more thought out. If it was another one-liner like "how are you doing tonight" I might reply once more, but one more message like that and I was done. Bottomline: with hearing how guys send out hundreds of messages without a reply, I get that they don't want to invest the time to think about an individual message without even knowing that the woman is interested. So I understood the first message as just a question of "hey, are you interested in conversing?" and if I indicated interest, than they would feel it made sense to make an effort with a decent message. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I would have something similar happen. SOmetimes they'd be quite verbose in their response, answering my questions about them, but they would never have any questions back. You're left feeling, "Ooooookay". So you send her a few other questions, she answers them...but never asks me questions. The conversation becomes one-sided. and I'm guessing she's doing it on purpose because she knows it will annoy me and get me to stop contacting her. The same advice applies. If you write a thoughtful message and a woman says two words...move on. She is probably extremely boring and/or disinterested. Just like the men who the OP is talking about...they are probably boring, so leave them alone. The goal of dating isn't to count the 600 people who haven't replied to you or who were boring but to find ONE person who clicks with you. That's how I see it. Majority of the people I come across online and in real life who express interest aren't people I'm interested in and it takes a while for me to eventually find one person who is on the same page who I want to get know and who wants to know me. I'm not going to stop being an interesting person or writing thoughtful messages because some men are dry and boring or don't read my profile, I am not looking for those men, so they weed themselves out and I'll continue to write interesting messages and filling out my profile as EVENTUALLY I'll attract that one person (more likely the few) who will appreciate it, and that's the point, they're the ones I'm looking for anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I've experienced both, the empty inbox for days or weeks and the dozens of useless messages in a few hours. Whenever I did OLD I immediately deleted the messages that mentioned sex, and with all other messages I checked out their profile. If it was well-written and the guy looked nice enough, I would reply. If I did not like the profile I did not. While I was not fond of the "Hey cutie" message, I usually saw it as a way for them to check if I am interested. Like a 'poke' I guess. I would reply to a message like that with "hey yourself" and thereby indicate that I am interested and then wait for the second message, which I expected to be more thought out. If it was another one-liner like "how are you doing tonight" I might reply once more, but one more message like that and I was done. Bottomline: with hearing how guys send out hundreds of messages without a reply, I get that they don't want to invest the time to think about an individual message without even knowing that the woman is interested. So I understood the first message as just a question of "hey, are you interested in conversing?" and if I indicated interest, than they would feel it made sense to make an effort with a decent message. Or sometimes I'd see women post, "If I didn't reply to your message, no offense, but it likely means I wasn't interested". Usually this disclaimers are rather off-putting to put such a blanket statement up to her audience of "prospects." It makes me not to even want to email her if she has that attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
impatiently_patient Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Or sometimes I'd see women post, "If I didn't reply to your message, no offense, but it likely means I wasn't interested". Usually this disclaimers are rather off-putting to put such a blanket statement up to her audience of "prospects." It makes me not to even want to email her if she has that attitude. Sounds a bit pretentious and braggart with respect to how much attention she gets, enough that she has to have a disclaimer. Take it down a notch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WonderKid Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I can see it as being annoying. When it comes to texting and mailing, people talk "at" you instead of with you. First why calle her Sweetie or anything like that? Just call her by her name or Miss or Ma'am. Link to post Share on other sites
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