Those who do OLD, does this bug you?

[Shining One]

No. Absolutely not.

 

In my experience, if there are a bunch of messages in my inbox, say 10 messages, 8 of them are from scammers. One will be someone with no picture or profile written out and the other will be someone outside my preferences. I'd rather my box be empty than having to waste my time deleting fake profiles--but that is how I find who they are and report them, so there's that.

Use a unique series of characters in the subject of messages you send to men. Set your email filter to delete any incoming messages that don't contain the series of characters. Now, the only messages you'll see are from men you've messaged first.

[Male]

I tend to stop messaging them if they don't ask questions.

 

Isn't that a basic tenant of dating? Getting to know someone?

 

If it feels like pulling teeth—stop.

 

I complain about the same thing with the women I interact with online. None of them ever have a two-way conversation with me. I ask questions, and they answer me with dead end answers. Its like pulling teeth to keep the conversation going, or reigniting it. And this just isnt with flaky women, its the same way with women that met me for multiple dates.

 

I think theres just a lot of people that either are terrible conversationalists, or maybe just bad at it online idk. I'm sure some open up more once they get to know a person better as well.

 

It's hard to make that decision whether to kick them to the curb over it. I try to give women a chance at least over the phone and see how that goes.

[MissBee]

This annoys me and I don't know if I should lighten up or not. If I should tell me lol.

 

I get guys that message me and the first thing they'll message is something like "hey sweetie!" or along those lines and that's it. It's a turn-off to have someone I don't even know use a term of endearment like that.

 

I'm messaging a guy now and his first message to me was about a paragraph long and thoughtful and made me want to message him back. After that first message all his messages are short and he never asks me anything about myself (basic questions to get to know someone) and it's like pulling teeth. How difficult can it be to have give and take with another person? Maybe he's better in person. It actually feels like WORK messaging some guys because they don't know how to do the basic give and take.

 

Should I say something? If so, what? I'm not asking for an essay when they message me but sheesh lol.

 

While I'm sure many people are better in person communicators, for me, if I don't click with you through messaging it will never escalate, sorry. If it is as you describe, pulling teeth, I don't manage to develop interest.

 

ALL my OLD that turned into real dates or relationships involved back and forth banter, relatively engaging conversation, the guy could express himself naturally, was witty, asked me things that required more than a yes or no, and just seemed like a real life interesting person was typing on the other end and things felt organic and I ended up wanting to know more about him and I got a sense of his personality and usually we move to phone conversations pretty quickly once the messaging goes well. Guys who message stuff like "Hi sweetie " (I also find this to be a turn off if I don't know you ) "How r u?" and these generic one liners, who seem one-dimensional and dry are guys I am better off not talking to. If it feels like a tedious chore and we've never even met, why would I continue to pull teeth with a stranger? Nope...there needs to be some messaging chemistry where it is fun, lively, interesting and I want more. If you are boring and dry it doesn't do anything for me. It's like talking to a robot, and if that is how you feel, then that's how you feel. Not every guy is like that so you can hold out for someone whose style of communicating clicks with your own.

 

After all, someone who is boring to talk to, what can you say? It's not like you can say anything that will help them to be more interesting.

Edited August 21, 2015 by MissBee

[MissBee]

100% this. Why would I take the time when it results in a non response, or even worse when they respond to a paragraph with 4 Words... And you are thinking wow, great effort. Way to give it your almost.

 

The same advice applies.

 

If you write a thoughtful message and a woman says two words...move on. She is probably extremely boring and/or disinterested.

 

Just like the men who the OP is talking about...they are probably boring, so leave them alone.

 

The goal of dating isn't to count the 600 people who haven't replied to you or who were boring but to find ONE person who clicks with you. That's how I see it. Majority of the people I come across online and in real life who express interest aren't people I'm interested in and it takes a while for me to eventually find one person who is on the same page who I want to get know and who wants to know me. I'm not going to stop being an interesting person or writing thoughtful messages because some men are dry and boring or don't read my profile, I am not looking for those men, so they weed themselves out and I'll continue to write interesting messages and filling out my profile as EVENTUALLY I'll attract that one person (more likely the few) who will appreciate it, and that's the point, they're the ones I'm looking for anyway.

[impatiently_patient]

I've been getting into Orange is the New Black, what are you binge watching?

 

That's precisely how I approached it. A lot of times, you don't have that much to work with as a guy as a lot of ladies' profiles are quite sparce.

 

Still a total waste of time. The only women interested are the ones who message first.

[impatiently_patient]

The goal of dating isn't to count the 600 people who haven't replied to you or who were boring but to find ONE person who clicks with you.

 

Six hundred? I wish there we're 600 women on Ok Cupid or whatever that had a decent match percentage and were compatible lifestyle wise.

 

That's why I don't get the copy pasta thing. There just aren't enough matches to bother with it to begin with. I guess if you're just trying to get your smang on with every single mom, women with opposing political views, so on and so forth. No thanks.

[Oregon_Dude]

I have gotten a female perspective on my OKC profile. She thinks it's great.

 

I have messaged countless women, only to get no response in return. Yes, I get that they're swamped with messages. However, OLD is a total joke nowadays. Everyone either thinks they're too good for you; they're too overwhelmed with messages; or they're a flake.

 

Modern dating is a total and complete mess. It's not worth doing, IMO. I'd rather be a f*cking monk.

[catlady11]

The guy I'm referring to in my post asked if we could meet for coffee. I bit the bullet and told him that before I meet someone I'd like to feel more of a connection through messaging and I notice that his messages have been short and he doesn't ask me any questions to get to know me. He replied that once he gets his computer set up he can type longer messages (just moved in to a new place a few days ago) and that he does want to know more about me. So I'm giving him another chance. He also said that he talks better than he messages. Last night we texted for the better part of almost 2 hours.

 

I'm glad I said something. I'm not really feeling "it" but I'll wait and see. We plan to meet this coming weekend for coffee.

[joseb]

As someone who's always tried to chase a real relationship.. that kinda breaks my heart to be honest... I think I need a drink...

 

Don't worry Neowulf - I have the opposite problem, not looking for a relationship but everyone i match on Tinder is!

[joseb]

I did very well with cheeky messages that showed I don't give a **** and obviously don't take OLD seriously.

 

I only sent messages to women who showed as being online. Women get so many messages I didn't want to be competing with 20 other messages in her inbox when she logged on.

...

 

If she visited my profile I might send her a message asking if she was a stalker or something.

...

 

The second message is the one that mentions something in her profile unless she came back with a witty response in which case it was let the banter begin.

 

Actually, I think this is an excellent strategy. All of it.

[joseb]

You have insight that most people don't. You've experienced both the empty inbox and the flood of trash with the few gems mixed in.The bolded is the important part. I tried the low volume / high effort messaging strategy for years on OLD. It did not produce results. I changed my strategy to high volume / low effort and started getting results. My current girlfriend was somewhere near the 200th woman I had messaged that month.

 

Wow what dating site did you use?

Honestly I haven't seen 20 women I would message on OKStupid in 4 years, never mind 200!

[joseb]

Six hundred? I wish there we're 600 women on Ok Cupid or whatever that had a decent match percentage and were compatible lifestyle wise.

 

That's why I don't get the copy pasta thing. There just aren't enough matches to bother with it to begin with. I guess if you're just trying to get your smang on with every single mom, women with opposing political views, so on and so forth. No thanks.

 

This is my take too!!!

 

Closer to 6 than 600

[wb1988]

I only sent messages to women who showed as being online. Women get so many messages I didn't want to be competing with 20 other messages in her inbox when she logged on. I used to set aside Sunday nights for looking. Even if I had time I did not log in on Friday or Saturday.

 

That's actually a pretty good idea especially if there's a chat option considering that most guys send messages without thinking about timing or even if the chat option is available.

[Shining One]

Wow what dating site did you use?

Honestly I haven't seen 20 women I would message on OKStupid in 4 years, never mind 200!

I used Match. There are tons of women in my area. However, a lot of them are racially selective and don't necessarily advertise that on their profile.

[joseb]

The guy I'm referring to in my post asked if we could meet for coffee. I bit the bullet and told him that before I meet someone I'd like to feel more of a connection through messaging and I notice that his messages have been short and he doesn't ask me any questions to get to know me. He replied that once he gets his computer set up he can type longer messages (just moved in to a new place a few days ago) and that he does want to know more about me. So I'm giving him another chance. He also said that he talks better than he messages. Last night we texted for the better part of almost 2 hours.

 

I'm glad I said something. I'm not really feeling "it" but I'll wait and see. We plan to meet this coming weekend for coffee.

 

He may well have been following the (in my opinion good) advice not to spend too much time chatting and texting before meetup, which often leads to unreasonable expectations.

 

The only way to really get to know someone is to meet them. Online video is a distant second. Phone and messaging is the poor relation IMHO.

 

After meeting them, then messaging can have a bit more meaning.

[MixedUpChick]

He may well have been following the (in my opinion good) advice not to spend too much time chatting and texting before meetup, which often leads to unreasonable expectations.

 

The only way to really get to know someone is to meet them.

 

I totally agree with this, if a guy wants to just keep messaging for days/weeks/etc. I lose interest.

 

I think it's a bad idea to wait too long to meet, if you're interested & have exchanged at least a half dozen messages, then meet & see if there's any chemistry. If you make the other person wait too long, you risk them actually meeting & starting to date someone else.

[fitnessfan365]

I have gotten a female perspective on my OKC profile. She thinks it's great.

 

I have messaged countless women, only to get no response in return. Yes, I get that they're swamped with messages. However, OLD is a total joke nowadays. Everyone either thinks they're too good for you; they're too overwhelmed with messages; or they're a flake.

 

Modern dating is a total and complete mess. It's not worth doing, IMO. I'd rather be a f*cking monk.

 

If it's a woman you know, I wouldn't consider it an unbiased source. What you need is a variety of women who don't care about your feelings one way or the other to be completely honest with you.

 

This brings up my next point. I know you're quick to blame OLD. But plenty of guys including myself have done well with it. So have you ever considered it might be something on your end? What if your pictures could be better or your emails are too boring or you get flaked on because you take too long to make plans, etc.. People are always so quick to make excuses and place blame, that they tend to avoid looking at themselves.

[Oregon_Dude]

If it's a woman you know, I wouldn't consider it an unbiased source. What you need is a variety of women who don't care about your feelings one way or the other to be completely honest with you.

 

This brings up my next point. I know you're quick to blame OLD. But plenty of guys including myself have done well with it. So have you ever considered it might be something on your end? What if your pictures could be better or your emails are too boring or you get flaked on because you take too long to make plans, etc.. People are always so quick to make excuses and place blame, that they tend to avoid looking at themselves.

These are good points. To be fair, online dating has gotten me my last two GFs. I guess I'm a bit down on it right now because my "results" have been pretty sh*tty lately. Anyway, I'm not trying to avoid "blaming" myself or whatever. I'll try to get some more opinions, some better photos etc.

 

In any case, it could just be "not my time" right now.

[jay1983]

I don't think the ladies here are being completely honest, I think they're filtering.

 

Okay there's no parallel universe, you can't have all the women online ignoring nice messages, pulling the flake/lose of interest, only interested in the same few men with the requirements, (white, over 5'10", over 75k, bachelors degree and very conventionally attractive) and all the women on here who only get messages Hi and hey from guys with no shirt. It's just not possible.

[Toodaloo]

I don't think the ladies here are being completely honest, I think they're filtering.

 

Okay there's no parallel universe, you can't have all the women online ignoring nice messages, pulling the flake/lose of interest, only interested in the same few men with the requirements, (white, over 5'10", over 75k, bachelors degree and very conventionally attractive) and all the women on here who only get messages Hi and hey from guys with no shirt. It's just not possible.

 

Of course we are filtering.

 

I have been chatting to a guy who owns his own company, cars all paid, over 6ft looks like Daniel Craig, is a gentleman etc... He has been put into the no pile because he lives too far away!

 

Another because we are at different stages in life

 

Another because quite frankly someone with my forceful personality would trample all over him and he would drive me insane.

 

Another because he is too old.

 

Another because he is too young...

 

Just because there are loads of guys on these sites doesn't mean that they are all suitable matches.

[jay1983]

Of course we are filtering.

 

I have been chatting to a guy who owns his own company, cars all paid, over 6ft looks like Daniel Craig, is a gentleman etc... He has been put into the no pile because he lives too far away!

 

Another because we are at different stages in life

 

Another because quite frankly someone with my forceful personality would trample all over him and he would drive me insane.

 

Another because he is too old.

 

Another because he is too young...

 

Just because there are loads of guys on these sites doesn't mean that they are all suitable matches.

 

IDK you still seem like you're being way too reasonable.

[PegNosePete]

My problem with this retort is the "I figured out out the online dating" guys of the world won't ever share their black art profiles to be put to the test.

Quite the contrary, I have shared my advice many, many times but every time people simply refuse to listen. As you say it's like a trope. They all come out of the woodwork to bash OLD at every opportunity. They have never shared their (anonymized) profiles either for constructive criticism or for me or anyone else to suggest improvements. They simply say they have a good profile and pics therefore I am wrong and OLD sucks. Frankly I mostly ignore these guys, it's always the same crowd, and trying to help them out is simply bashing my head against a brick wall.

 

Most of my profile advice is given on the POF forums where people sometimes actually listen to it.

 

So, PM yours, Pete. Anonymize it, xxxxxxxxx any personal info. Just the syntax. I'd kill to see what a good profile actually looks like.

Done

[Toodaloo]

A good profile - I messaged this guy first. There was plenty for me to get a feel for the type of person he is and also start a conversation...

 

Right, here’s the brief version for those with a short attention span:

 

Do you want to meet someone bright, manly, unconventional and driven that will challenge and support you in equal measures? Great: you’d best click that little green button that says ‘message’ or ‘reply’, as appropriate. If you were looking for the topless personal trainer who will greet you with 'alrite babez uz iz well fit aye!' and send unwanted ****pictures, or maybe a skinny jeaned, foppish hipster with gender issues you'll be wanting the 'next' button.

 

And the long (and sensible(ish)) version:

 

It's not _what_ you like, but what _you're like_ that matters, so I'm looking for someone who's sure of herself, bright and open minded that I can't keep my hands off. Cheeky and spontaneous would be a bonus, and pouting minxyness always goes down well too. Does that sound like you? Great, here's a little about me, hopefully without sounding like a narcissistic idiot that lives in a house of mirrors:

 

I'm bright, confident (please don't confuse this with arrogance), self-employed, like getting my hands dirty, love a good debate, have a ruthlessly wicked, dark sense of humour and can't stand to be bored. I have all kinds of hobbies that range from baking to blacksmithing, via horse riding along the way. I've been riding for about a year or so, but I'm quite hooked and have a lovely horse on loan that I ride five or six times a week.

 

So, what am I looking for? I don't know. But I will when I find her. If you need a captain subtext translation: I'm not here to plough my way through the better half of POF, nor am I going to settle down with the first person I have three good dates in a row with

 

And the warning:

 

I'm an English gent at heart; thoughtful, quite affectionate with the right person, and, you might say, unconventionally romantic. But!... I've often been called/described as: incorrigible, implacable, strong minded, 'charming but evil' (I kinda liked that one - I can be the worst kind of practical joker), challenging - and my personal favourite of all 'a very bad man'. Though I'd hasten to add that all were said with a big smile. I'm no player, cheater or liar, but I also often get told I'm very hard to read, and I never get on well with insecure, jealous, prissy, preachy or stuck-up people. Hopefully rather than being off-putting that at least convinces you I'm pretty honest!

I've been told a lot lately I come across as living life at 900mph... Which is kinda true, but if you know many busy people, you'll know they always have time for something or someone else. Life is short and far too precious to waste in front of endless soaps. I don't, and I have time to do some really cool stuff instead.

 

As an interesting and slightly cheeky point of discussion: you can tell a lot about someone from a kiss(?) Did I mention I can bake a carrot cake so good it'll make your mother swoon? Lack of baggage and strong sensitive hands (for massaging tired shoulders, of course - behave) come as standard.

 

Since you're _still_ reading, maybe you can answer something for me: Fascinators: What the **** are they for? Who in their right mind ever thought 'You know what? I think what would really set this outfit off is something that looks like a tie-dyed blackbird having a fit on my head.' For the love of god, why??

 

Oh, and ladies: please stop sending me pictures of your bits, asking for a third wheel and posing topless in your profile pictures. Nor will I sell you my underwear, shoes or any item of clothing - washed or otherwise - and no, I will not rub my feet on your face while you play with yourself. Unless its Friday... If you didn't spot, or don't appreciate the sarcastic parody you should probably leave now.. Topless pics are fine, really. I'll get my coat...

 

Addendum: messages that simply say 'hi' will be ignored (unless you're insanely hot) and random acts are highly encouraged.

[phineas]

Wow what dating site did you use?

Honestly I haven't seen 20 women I would message on OKStupid in 4 years, never mind 200!

 

I have to agree with this except if you included pof in the mix.

Was on both sites for a few months and sent out about 5 messages tops between the two sites

 

Then just messaged any non-fat woman with full body pics +/- 5yrs of my age.maybe I can at least hook up.

Yeah, still not at 20 this time around.

 

The problem with old is whether I craft a masterpiece or send my standard "how's it going?" It all comes down to that shrunken profile pic that shows up next to my message.

Edited August 25, 2015 by phineas

[joseb]

It's quite a clever profile, he has used a bit of reverse psychology dfrom reading some women's profiles.

 

So, what am I looking for? I don't know. But I will when I find her. If you need a captain subtext translation: I'm not here to plough my way through the better half of POF, nor am I going to settle down with the first person I have three good dates in a row with

 

See to me this would read he is looking for casual....

I could be wrong.