Important conversation with MM soon

[Dela]

UPDATE

 

So, as u kow, the last i broke NC and we kept talking for few days.

One night while we were texting, it occured to me to ask how on earth does his W wants another child if they don t have sex so often (as he told me)...

and get this, his explanation of why she had the idea of a new child :

 

"we had sex more often the last weeks. i m sorry, i shouldn t tell u this, but u wanted an explanation of how she came up with the baby idea"

 

ru ****ing kidding me? do u only have sex to make babies? i was/am so furious. i told him that i see how hurt he was and how much he missed me, with his d..k inside his W. i mean wtf. i was out of the A for 2 weeks and u re humping ur W more often. i was disgusted. the images in my mind of them having sex made me sick. i asked him why on earth would he tell me this? i am tortured enough.

 

he kept saying that he doesn t want another child and that he has to cut this conversation with her about it.

 

i swear, i am a raging bitch here. i wanna scream and punch his stupid face.

i mean, u kidding me, telling me about another child when our child was abortd almost 6 months ago? and telling me u have more sex with ur W?

he kept texting me, asking to forgive him, i just answer short or i get angry and say stuff... stupid man who doesn t think when he talks.

 

he is making me forget that i love him, that i m a good person, that we broke up in good terms and i just sent his a$$ home to raise his kids and do whatever the hell he chose to do. he got me to that point when i start to desire to really **** his life. just like that. for the first time. i feel he is mocking me, that he used me. i feel all kind of things. i am a good person, but if u mess with me like that, i can turn 180 and u don t want that.

if this is war, i have all the weapons and nothing to lose!!!!!!

[privategal]

Dela. There is no war. You are at war because you KEEP talking to him.

I read your first thread.

He said if you keep the baby he will leave his wife, he said it was your choice.

I dont fault you for your decision, I too had an abortion 15 years ago.

But, can you choose on your own to abort, then blame him?

You have equal blame.

Im curious about grave stone, this is not typical in this situation. I dont understand as the death wasn't natural?

Is this for drama sake?

 

But Dela, married men sleep with their wives.

They are not exclusive to the ow.

You two ended it.

He is sleeping with her more isnt true, he is having sex with her the same anount as ever, he explained that to explain away his lie of how they can have a baby when they never have sex.

Yes, surprise, he lied. But we all lie when we are in affairs.

So you lied to.

I dont know why you want more drama.

You broke up, stop hurting yourself.

Everytime you talk its more drama, anger...

You cant expect him to not build a family with his wife because you terminated a pregnancy.

 

He doesnt belong to you and what goes on in his home with his wife is not an AP's business.

 

If your gonna have an A lose the drama, the expectation, know AP's lie to both spouse and ow, and most love their wives and share affection and intimacy.

Calm down and please get help.

[Dela]

Dela. There is no war. You are at war because you KEEP talking to him.

I read your first thread.

He said if you keep the baby he will leave his wife, he said it was your choice.

I dont fault you for your decision, I too had an abortion 15 years ago.

But, can you choose on your own to abort, then blame him?

You have equal blame.

Im curious about grave stone, this is not typical in this situation. I dont understand as the death wasn't natural?

Is this for drama sake?

 

But Dela, married men sleep with their wives.

They are not exclusive to the ow.

You two ended it.

He is sleeping with her more isnt true, he is having sex with her the same anount as ever, he explained that to explain away his lie of how they can have a baby when they never have sex.

Yes, surprise, he lied. But we all lie when we are in affairs.

So you lied to.

I dont know why you want more drama.

You broke up, stop hurting yourself.

Everytime you talk its more drama, anger...

You cant expect him to not build a family with his wife because you terminated a pregnancy.

 

He doesnt belong to you and what goes on in his home with his wife is not an AP's business.

 

If your gonna have an A lose the drama, the expectation, know AP's lie to both spouse and ow, and most love their wives and share affection and intimacy.

Calm down and please get help.

 

 

thanks for ur post.

 

he says he doesn t want another child because he feel miserable and like a monster for what happened to our baby.

 

and i know it seems my decision to abort, but u all say MM lie. he just SAID that he will leave his wife. he just SAID that he will be there for the child. he just SAID many things. as all MM SAY! how can i trust a man with the life of my child, based on words??

 

how could i have trusted a man i only knew for 2 months?? i was ****ed up. he never said he wanted the child. he actually said that he doesn t. how can someone leave his family for a child he doesn t want? i m not that stupid. he could have said NOT to get an abortion.

 

when i asked if he regrets not keeping the baby, he said he doesn t know but he would have done what he said! how would i know that? i will never know.

he even talked about the baby as his external factor to leave his marriage.

no child should ever be a reason for someone to leave a marriage. i am not that person. when i took that decision, little did i think of me. the baby s faith and his children were in my mind all the time.

 

i was asking myself: what the **** i m doing? how can i ever lie with myself if my own child asks me where his dad is? or WHO his dad is!!! i was terrified. it was a lot going on. i didn t just decide myself to abort. it was a decision based on facts, on the situation, on what we were talking about together.

 

no one adviced me to keep the baby. my friends, my family were against. i never pictured myself getting pregnant and using a child to have the man or to break a home. i looked at myself and asked how the hell did i end up in this situation.

 

it always hurts when he tells me what he s doing with his kids, where they go and etc. maybe i m JUST an OW, but it does hurt a lot. i know it s not my business what they do, but it does hurt. the what ifs do hurt.

 

i don t expect people to understand how i feel. it just seems unfair. although it was my choice to enter the A and i knew what i was getting into, what happened in it it does hurt. it was my first child. i made a simbolic place where i can grieve. i picked a name. i burried a teddybear and flowers. of course i am hurting like hell to think he might have another child now, even if it s not my business.

[privategal]

Dela...gently here...

I know it hurts but you had unprotected sex with a married man, chose an abortion, you knew him for 2 months..you need to go on and get counseling and fix your greif.

Do you want to wreck his home and family now too?

You are spiraling out of control with words like WAR.

Please gain control and stop blame and take responsibility to get help and cut him out.

[Cymbeline]

Dela you sound so sweet and so young to have gone through this. I am so sad for you and horrified that this man sees fit to steal your precious youth from you and continues to do so with his weak lies.

 

There are so many decent men around. Please try to open your mind and eyes to the possibility.

[elaine567]

Please just walk away from this mess.

He has a wife and kids, he is not going to leave them.

The OW often thinks she is the centre of her MMs world, when often she is little more important than his weekly game of golf or his pint of beer with the guys.

 

He makes decisions based on what is good for his family and no matter what he says to you, I guess he is pretty chuffed about the thought of a new baby, despite what you went through here.

He, it appears couldn't wait to tell you. What sort of man does that?

 

He is acting pretty obnoxious and callous, and it shows a distinct lack of empathy for you, to even consider bringing that subject up just now, and that shows you exactly the type of man he is.

Where does this end? Are you supposed to celebrate the wife's pregnancy with champagne? You get sent the scan pics, you get a blow by blow account of the labour, you get copies of the new baby pics... Pure torture for you.

 

Please continue with the NC and have nothing to do with him.

[xxoo]

Losing a baby to abortion or miscarriage can be very painful. I understand your mourning. I still have a small statue in my living room in honor of a baby I lost 10 years ago. We hold those babies in our hearts forever.

 

He said a lot of stuff, and you're right. What he said was meaningless. Just words. He was hoping you'd have an abortion. He was hoping you'd never get pregnant, and his affair wouldn't touch his family. He's been lucky. He'll probably be foolish enough to push his luck, and will eventually not be so lucky.

 

He's an ass. She's raising her children with a cheating ass. Feel bad for her. Feel relieved that YOU are not raising a family with a cheating ass. You came close.

 

The abortion is a painful life lesson in becoming independent so that you don't have to ask others for help and can make the choices that are best for you. Independence means control. Asking for help means inviting other's opinions and criticisms into your life. Most of us have to learn this lesson in our 20s (I know I did). Get fully independent, and make careful choices so that you don't sink your own ship. Getting involved with a married man is ship-sinking. Lesson learned. Don't do it again.

 

You could mess with the married man and his family, and he deserves it, but it won't bring you peace and healing. It will delay both, bringing more drama and pain. Move toward peace, in the direction that is opposite this married man.

[Dela]

Losing a baby to abortion or miscarriage can be very painful. I understand your mourning. I still have a small statue in my living room in honor of a baby I lost 10 years ago. We hold those babies in our hearts forever.

 

He said a lot of stuff, and you're right. What he said was meaningless. Just words. He was hoping you'd have an abortion. He was hoping you'd never get pregnant, and his affair wouldn't touch his family. He's been lucky. He'll probably be foolish enough to push his luck, and will eventually not be so lucky.

 

He's an ass. She's raising her children with a cheating ass. Feel bad for her. Feel relieved that YOU are not raising a family with a cheating ass. You came close.

 

The abortion is a painful life lesson in becoming independent so that you don't have to ask others for help and can make the choices that are best for you. Independence means control. Asking for help means inviting other's opinions and criticisms into your life. Most of us have to learn this lesson in our 20s (I know I did). Get fully independent, and make careful choices so that you don't sink your own ship. Getting involved with a married man is ship-sinking. Lesson learned. Don't do it again.

 

You could mess with the married man and his family, and he deserves it, but it won't bring you peace and healing. It will delay both, bringing more drama and pain. Move toward peace, in the direction that is opposite this married man.

 

 

thanks so much for ur kind words. i know it s not ok to think to screw up his life. although i could and i often think about it the last days while he is being such an a$$... i m not saying i will do it, i m just thinking about it. i don t know if it will bring me peace, probably not. but i admit i would like that life puts him on his knees, cuz that s how i feel. i feel on my knees begging for peace of my mind and my soul. i would like him to be there as well. i am not a mean person and i realize how hurt i am if i got to the point where i want to destroy the life of the man i love. he is really pushing his luck, u re right.

[privategal]

But we only know her side and the context she is telling it.

Why is he being demonized so much when Dela had a choice too. She had a choice in all of it, and as someone who was in a situation to abort, I know the pain and struggle, I dont take it away from her, but the victim role is not going to help.

We dont know his side, but we know it takes 2 to have an affair.

Him telling her about intimacy with his wife and such after they broke it off is brutal honesty and should be an eye opener to move on yes, is insensitive yes...but Dela went after a father...someone with children and a wife...unprotected.

I believe Dela if you are willing to open your eyes to your respinsibility and own up too, you can begin to heal...because greif...added to playing a victim role on top of it...is prolonging it and/or doubling it.

 

Hes in a crisis too. One he created true.

I feel compassion for both as people enter an affair thinking its a romp for fun. I dont believe either AP can forsee what pain can be caused and what mess can be created until its too late.

The readon Im suspicious here is...when someone hurts you so much...how do you take their calls...and if your grieving an abortion, him having sex with his wife is the LAST thing you would worry about.

Im thinking as nicely as I can possibly say this...I feel Dela is addicted to the drama. Shes carrying it on.

Its not normal nor healthy to be still in contact. A normal person could NOT take his calls.

I feel its a two way street and if her family and friends arent rallying around her to help her its also a sign she may live a life of drama consistently and has exhausted the sympathy of a support circle?

I dont know but my gut tells me she needs tough love and not to be coddled right now.

Im sorry if any of my opinion is too harsh.

I know sometimes tough love IS the answer but 2 months shes known this man.

Its not imo enough time for deep love. She hasn't given up years...shes still young...she has hope to turn around her life but it doesn't start with blaming HIM...it starts with personal accountability and taking healthy steps toward counseling and ending all communication.

[Got it]

thanks so much for ur kind words. i know it s not ok to think to screw up his life. although i could and i often think about it the last days while he is being such an a$$... i m not saying i will do it, i m just thinking about it. i don t know if it will bring me peace, probably not. but i admit i would like that life puts him on his knees, cuz that s how i feel. i feel on my knees begging for peace of my mind and my soul. i would like him to be there as well. i am not a mean person and i realize how hurt i am if i got to the point where i want to destroy the life of the man i love. he is really pushing his luck, u re right.

 

Honey, please go reread the Clown Story again. Why do you keep opening the door?

 

What you are seeking is within you, you can't get that from you. I actually would say, be glad he is being honest with you now. You are seeing where he is today through his actions.

 

But his actions or inactions are not validations of you. They are of him. Don't take them on. Focus on you and work on healing. No other person can give you that, it is something that you have to discover on your own. I too second counseling.

 

((((dela))))))

[Ifalltopieces]

Dela the best revenge is to be happy! I think the MM gets off on tormenting you. I think he enjoys the fact that you still talk to him and seek validation. It strokes his damaged little ego. He gets off on making you hurt. When you hurt, it empowers him. These "men" are SICK!!!!

 

I don't think your causing unnecessary drama. I think your so very hurt and it's coming out in the form of anger. But I do think you need to stop interacting with him immediately!!!! For your own mental well being.

 

By talking to him you are showing him that he still holds a place in your life. Your still stroking his ego (not knowingly) and he still feels like master of the universe. Let them have a baby....let them have several. I promise you, his hell is only just beginning you don't have to screw up his life Dela, he is doing a great job of it on his own. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but he will get his.

[xxoo]

thanks so much for ur kind words. i know it s not ok to think to screw up his life. although i could and i often think about it the last days while he is being such an a$$... i m not saying i will do it, i m just thinking about it. i don t know if it will bring me peace, probably not. but i admit i would like that life puts him on his knees, cuz that s how i feel. i feel on my knees begging for peace of my mind and my soul. i would like him to be there as well. i am not a mean person and i realize how hurt i am if i got to the point where i want to destroy the life of the man i love. he is really pushing his luck, u re right.

 

I just want to give you a hug.

 

He's been so destructive in your life. Give him no more access, no more opportunity. Cut him out. Gift yourself the space to heal.

 

The strength will come. You won't stay on your knees.

[Mount]

But, what made you (or/and all other OWs that had abortion or losing child) not asking him to put on the condom at that moment?

 

It is not a difficult thing!

 

I still do not understand how come women are so unprotecting themselves, trusting or being naïve can not be excuse anymore. Obviously running a LAB test right before the intimacy is not feasible for most of women, but again, you live for yourself, not to please others, isn't it. So nothing wrong to be selfish for the sake of yourself health, both physically or mentally.

 

Also, he said this he said that, any adult woman should ignore anything a people saying, but focus on people doing... We are not teenage anymore.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Mount

[sandylee1]

I have to agree with PrivateL, in that you aren't taking enough responsibility for your part in the affair. While you keep breaking NC the only person getting hurt is you, so stop stabbing yourself in the heart and quit texting /talking to him.

 

You ask if he regrets the abortion? What do you really want him to say? Because I'm pretty sure if he told you the truth it would be more hurtful than him telling you he's sleeping with his wife more often lately. You having the baby would have been divorce for him (his words) and he doesn't want his children raised in a broken home.....so your answer is right there.

 

He's been saying what you want to hear all along, because you weren't gonna sleep with him otherwise. Then when you wanted to know where this was headed.....he makes it clear he isn't leaving his wife. He wanted a nice little quiet OW and unfortunately for him, that wasn't you.

 

He always was sleeping with her and if he wasn't doing it enough, it's because he was with you, when he should have been with his wife. That's one of the things (apart from the obvious) that makes a MM a crap husband when he's in an affair. Spending time with the OW when he should be with the kids. His kids missed out on him being there while he was betraying his wife.

 

People in affairs neglect their families. ..is this who you wanted as the father of your child. When he should have been with his 6 and 4 year old at the seaside he was with you.

 

You really need to get to know someone before becoming a parent with them. How could you know him after a couple of months on the sly. A child pretty much ties you together for life.

 

How can you expect honesty and truth from a man cheating on his wife?

 

It's difficult to get to grips with this and accept the very real likelihood, that he just wanted some sexual variety. I've been used in the past and it's horrible. However, I would never let a cheating man drag me down in misery while he carries on merrily with his life. I put it down to experience and realise that I had to kiss a frog or two before I got my prince.

 

I also wondered about the grave.......It's not my intention to cause you any more pain over your loss, but I've never heard of anyone making a grave area for a baby they aborted. You are really creating unecessary torture for yourself.

[casey.lives]

married people are a family.. having another child is what families do?! What is so strange about that? MARRIED MEN LIE..HELLOOOOO!!!

[beach]

I asked, he said no. He keeps saying he doesn t want to in this situation but yet says that it can happen. Wtf. U can t protect yourself or say "i don t want a child now?" I feel so hurt (

 

It seems like each time you communicate with your "EX" it causes you extreme hurt.

 

Can you go absolute NO contact?

 

At this point any contact is torture for you. You could take control and block him.

[Dela]

It s my b day today... He just left flowers for me outside my door and called when he left so i could go get them ****

[Ifalltopieces]

It s my b day today... He just left flowers for me outside my door and called when he left so i could go get them ****

 

I know it must be flattering that he remembered your birthday.

 

 

Please please please try to remember how horrific he has made you feel. He is very skilled and crafty when it comes to playing with you and your emotions. I'm sure if you asked him why he didn't knock on the door and wait for you to answer, he would probably say because he was respecting your wishes of NC. He would make it seem like he was doing you a big favor. HE ISNT! If he respected you at all Dela, he would leave you alone and allow you time and space to heal from all the torment he has inflicted in your life. He loves keeping you reeled in. Just a few days ago he was talking about having another baby with his wife!

 

Please throw the flowers away and see this for what it is. He is playing games with your heart and it's sick.

 

On a side note, Happy Birthday!!!!!! Go do somesthing special for yourself!

[elaine567]

Your mind is trying very hard to twist a dodgy, lying, cheating situation into it being honest, straight and true.

 

An affair is inherently deceptive.

 

Your MM was petrified of you having a baby because the baby was proof, proof that the affair was real and proof he could not deny to his wife.

Cheaters usually adopt the "deny, deny, deny" strategy and it often works too, as the wife can't really believe her loving husband would betray her so foully and it is much easier to blame the scheming OW for making up a load of lies, than accept her husband, the man she married, is such a cad.

A child, verified by DNA and walking about as a constant reminder, could not be denied. He knew that and basically emotionally blackmailed you and made you feel abortion was the only choice you had.

 

YOU have to see him for who he really is. A married man, who has a family, with a bit on the side. Desperately trying to maintain the status quo and have both sides of his life running smoothly.

 

Flowers are easy.

I could have sent you flowers for your birthday, does that mean I love you... Err.. no.

A reminder on his phone, a quick visit to a florist, and dumping some blooms on your doorstep, does not a real relationship make.

[truncated]

I'm not trying to sound snarky at all when I say this...

 

He can only hurt you if you allow him to. Stop letting him.

[beach]

It makes me mad that he would give you flowers when he knows it's supposed to be over - yet he brings them and continues to chat with you about having another baby with his wife!

 

This is his way of trying to be sure you're going to stick around and be his OW...even when you find out his wife is pregnant.

 

By talking to him - he's getting the idea that you're willing to continue with him.

 

 

When you stop ALL forms of communication - that is when he will believe it is over. But not until you've gone dark on him for several weeks or months. For now he thinks you're still in (which you are).

 

He's just trying to be sure you'll be his side dish longer.

 

What do you want? What actions will prove to him what you want? Words don't prove a thing - actions show evidence of what intent is.

[ladydesigner]

It s my b day today... He just left flowers for me outside my door and called when he left so i could go get them ****

 

(((Dela))) please try to ignore this latest form of contact from him as it probably only confuses you. He will do anything to keep you while not changing his situation.

[Dela]

He is not trying anything. He didn t even ask me to meet. He just brought the flowers and left.

It s not an attempt to contact me. I was the one who broke NC.

Thanks for ur posts

[elaine567]

He is not trying anything. He didn t even ask me to meet. He just brought the flowers and left.

It s not an attempt to contact me. I was the one who broke NC.

Thanks for ur posts

 

Not trying anything is disappearing completely from your life.

Believe me, he was trying something.

[beach]

Dela...

 

Why continue at all?

 

 

This guy has said he's still building a life with his wife.

 

 

You have the opportunity to end it completely and find a man that makes you his top priority.

 

Why not date single men?

 

Why not end ALL contact with him? He's manipulating you because you keep allowing it.