He's Still Online. It's Driving Me Crazy. (UPDATED)

[Lovelorn00]

I completely agree with Ruby and Katie. Here's the thing Love, you seem terrified of losing this guy. I would guess that is not because you and he are so compatible and special together. Instead, it seems that you would interpret his disinterest in a relationship as a reflection of your own value.

 

If this guy does not want to be in a relationship with you, it says absolutely zero about the woman you are. All it would mean, the only thing it means is that he isn't the right guy for you. It also means the right one is out there, waiting for you to stop messing around with the wrong one.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with realizing it's going no where, cutting losses and moving on. There is nothing about finding yourself single that decreases your value or takes away your hotness/beauty/desirability.

Girl, it is what it is. Don't make it into more than that and if he lets you walk, walk right into the future you want. Don't be afraid.

 

Thanks, Timshel! Those are very empowering words. I really hate to admit it, but you're right. I tend to lock up a HUGE chunk of my self-worth into my relationship status. Oh, I can brush it off if someone ghosts on me after a date or two. That just means he didn't know me well enough - his loss. But when someone walks away after a few months or years, it's a HUGE blow to my self-esteem. It means they got to know me pretty well and decided I wasn't worth their time anymore. It means I did something to make them realize it's better to walk than to give it a chance.

 

This guy - he's gotten to know me pretty well over the last couple of months and still feels the need to search for other dates online (or at least that's how it seems to me). It's hurtful, and even though I do have other men who are asking me out, I can't seem to shake that feeling of inadequacy.

 

So that's where the fear comes from. I don't want to be faced with those feelings again. They always send me into a depressing downward spiral that takes a HUGE amount of effort to climb out of. I'm fearful of facing those emotions, so I avoid scenarios that might lead to them.

[Lovelorn00]

Quacks

 

He's also a dude, so...

[Gaeta]

True. Then again, I just talked to my therapist today, and even he said I was jumping the gun. He suggested waiting it out and letting him bring it up, but to continue to date other people. He felt it was a little too soon to open that door. Very frustrating, because I've kind of already made up my mind to talk to him about it this weekend, but now this "professional" is telling me to be cool and go with the flow. Haha! I'm not going to take his advice, though, because I truly do believe what the others here have said, and it really does boil down to communication.

 

Your therapist has no clue what is going on these days with online dating.

 

Trust women on here that have been through similar stories as yours.

 

And by the way, a few years ago I had a few dates with a therapist. He was the most distorted unbalanced emotionally immature man I have ever met in my dating history. He dropped me to go back to his abusive ex and it was the 10th time he was going back to her. Just saying...........

[Ruby Slippers]

This guy - he's gotten to know me pretty well over the last couple of months and still feels the need to search for other dates online (or at least that's how it seems to me). It's hurtful, and even though I do have other men who are asking me out, I can't seem to shake that feeling of inadequacy.

 

So that's where the fear comes from. I don't want to be faced with those feelings again. They always send me into a depressing downward spiral that takes a HUGE amount of effort to climb out of. I'm fearful of facing those emotions, so I avoid scenarios that might lead to them.

These are the real issues. This guy is just one more trigger forcing you to face them.

 

You'll learn in time to stop tying your self-worth to some guy's opinion of you. Just like you, he's putting his feelers out there to pull in the signals he needs for his own growth. You may be a wonderful, lovely girl who would be very good for him. But maybe he's not looking for wonderful and lovely right now. Maybe he's looking for drama that helps him through his own issues. Many people are.

 

It really isn't anything personal. You'll do yourself a lot more good working on your own stuff than worrying about some dude from OLD.

[Islander19]

Thanks, Islander19. I think the problem with scenario 2, though, is that if he actually was interested in a serious relationship with me, he'd make it known. Seeing me online would spur the same kind of "wtf" reaction that I'm having to his online activity, and he'd make an effort to lock it down. Right? Or is this just two people playing "chicken" with each other? Haha

 

The only way I won't be nervous talking to him about it is if I stop caring so much. The amount of resentment that has built up over the last two months over this issue is starting to make that a bit easier, to be honest. I'll likely need a shot or two of booze as well.

 

You're right. I think if he really wanted a serious relationship he would have spoken up, but who really knows what's going on in his head?

 

At the same time, you said it's been two months and you haven't had sex yet. If he was just in it to get laid he would have left long ago. The fact that he's still around tells me he at least has some feelings for you.

 

There's really only one way to get to the bottom of it, and that's just to ask.

[katiegrl]

 

This guy - he's gotten to know me pretty well over the last couple of months and still feels the need to search for other dates online (or at least that's how it seems to me). It's hurtful, and even though I do have other men who are asking me out, I can't seem to shake that feeling of inadequacy.

 

So that's where the fear comes from. I don't want to be faced with those feelings again. They always send me into a depressing downward spiral that takes a HUGE amount of effort to climb out of. I'm fearful of facing those emotions, so I avoid scenarios that might lead to them.

 

 

I am happy to hear you are in therapy (so was I for awhile and found it tremendously beneficial).... however might I suggest a different therapist?

 

 

Anyhoo, the reason why I am glad you're in therapy though is because an emotionally healthy person's response to a situation that was making him/her feel inadequate would be to WALK AWAY from that situation.

 

 

Since you are choosing not to do that.... and rather remain in a situation that is causing you to feel inadequate, you have some issues to resolve within yourself.

 

 

And until you do, I am afraid you will struggle in any relationship you choose to pursue.

 

 

Ironically (and not sure why this is) you will continue to attract men who are either commitment phobic or not that into you.... thus validating your feelings of inadequacy and the cycle continues.

 

 

Learn to choose more wisely (as my late mom always told me). Great advice.

[katiegrl]

You're right. I think if he really wanted a serious relationship he would have spoken up, but who really knows what's going on in his head?

 

At the same time, you said it's been two months and you haven't had sex yet. If he was just in it to get laid he would have left long ago. The fact that he's still around tells me he at least has some feelings for you.

 

There's really only one way to get to the bottom of it, and that's just to ask.

 

 

If I had to venture a guess, it would be he is having sex with one (or more) of the other women he is dating. So the fact he is not having sex with Lovelorn is not that big a deal .... I mean being that he's not ready to be exclusive with her and probably enjoys her company.

 

 

It also distracts him from getting too emotionally involved with the other women he IS having sex with.

 

 

Classic commitment phobe behavior.

[Jj66]

Probably for evolutionary reasons, generally women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gate keepers of relationships.

 

If it's important to you, just ask the bloke where he sees this going? If it's compatible with what you want, continue to see him. Otherwise, hit the NEXT button.

 

Some comments based on reading the thread:

 

First: If you have the OKC app on your phone it will look like you are on there all the time even when you are not.

 

Second: Two months is nothing unless you are spending tons of time together each week. I think my profile has always been up at least two months. I'm not going to disable my profile after 3 or 4 dates no matter how much I'm into her. I'm not 20 anymore. I'm 48 and self-aware enough to know that tend to fall too quickly. Leaving my profile up provides an anchor against that. It's not because I am afraid of commitment- it's exactly the opposite - because I know that I commit too readily and I want to fight that tendency.

 

As I've gotten older I have a busy life with career, hobbies, houses, etc. I don't have time to obsess over women I meet the way I used to. I don't want them to obsess over me either. The relationships I've been in that started off with crazy fireworks have fizzled out because they were based almost entirely on sexual chemistry. They are great while they last but I want more substance from a relationship.

 

As the famous poem goes:

 

Love me little, love me long,

Is the burden of my song.

Love that is too hot and strong

Burneth soon to waste:

Still, I would not have thee cold,

Not too backward, nor too bold;

Love that lasteth till ’tis old

Fadeth not in haste.

Love me little, love me long,

Is the burden of my song.

Edited August 14, 2015 by Jj66

[Gary S]

Online indicators on dating sites are not always accurate. Additionally, apps can say you are online when you don't have the site page up on your phone.

 

However, 2 months is enough time to decide if he and you want to be exclusive. Have a conversation with him about taking the profile down. It's time.

[PogoStick]

JFC!

Such a disappointing thread with poor advice from multiple women. Fault the guy who has done nothing wrong. No sex, not exclusive, short time frame, he has no obligation.

 

Some guys have a different standard than myself, but if I'm not having sex with a girl then she's not my girlfriend.

 

Now the OP has resorted to being petty and getting even but nobody calls her out on it. Now her behavior becomes negative when they're together which is a self-fulfilling prophecy that will poison the potential relationship.

 

Cheers to the ones suggesting the mature behavior of having the most basic of relationship conversations.

[katiegrl]

JFC!

Such a disappointing thread with poor advice from multiple women. Fault the guy who has done nothing wrong. No sex, not exclusive, short time frame, he has no obligation.

 

Some guys have a different standard than myself, but if I'm not having sex with a girl then she's not my girlfriend.

 

Now the OP has resorted to being petty and getting even but nobody calls her out on it. Now her behavior becomes negative when they're together which is a self-fulfilling prophecy that will poison the potential relationship.

 

Cheers to the ones suggesting the mature behavior of having the most basic of relationship conversations.

 

Excuse me but what thread have you been reading? "Calling her out" on her behavior is pretty much what all of us have been doing throughout this entire thread! As well as suggesting the "mature behavior" of talking to him

 

In fact, the only person who has suggested she NOT talk to him, keep her profile active, her options open and date other men was her therapist... despite her wanting an exclusive relationship.

Edited August 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[Lovelorn00]

Your therapist has no clue what is going on these days with online dating.

 

Trust women on here that have been through similar stories as yours.

 

And by the way, a few years ago I had a few dates with a therapist. He was the most distorted unbalanced emotionally immature man I have ever met in my dating history. He dropped me to go back to his abusive ex and it was the 10th time he was going back to her. Just saying...........

 

Umm, YIKES!! That sounds horrible! Yeah, my therapist seems to be a pretty reasonable guy. He's been married for 20 years and talk about his wife often, so it sounds like they have a happy, healthy relationship. But you're right - he's probably never used or even seen an online dating site, so he may not be able to give the best advice on my particular situation.

[Lovelorn00]

I am happy to hear you are in therapy (so was I for awhile and found it tremendously beneficial).... however might I suggest a different therapist?

 

 

Anyhoo, the reason why I am glad you're in therapy though is because an emotionally healthy person's response to a situation that was making him/her feel inadequate would be to WALK AWAY from that situation.

 

 

Since you are choosing not to do that.... and rather remain in a situation that is causing you to feel inadequate, you have some issues to resolve within yourself.

 

 

And until you do, I am afraid you will struggle in any relationship you choose to pursue.

 

 

Ironically (and not sure why this is) you will continue to attract men who are either commitment phobic or not that into you.... thus validating your feelings of inadequacy and the cycle continues.

 

 

Learn to choose more wisely (as my late mom always told me). Great advice.

 

Well, I’m not quite ready to walk away just yet. He and I enjoy spending time together and he treats me wonderfully (besides the OLD thing).

But at the same time, I will continue to keep my profile active. I’ll continue to explore my options and accept date offers from others. I feel that’s the healthy thing to do right now.

The unhealthy part of this is how long it has taken me to actually have the conversation with him, and I think that’s the point of your post.

Most emotionally healthy women would’ve said something two months ago. I chose to torture myself instead.

So, I’ll discuss it with him on Saturday (tomorrow) and be prepared to do the walking away, if necessary.

[Lovelorn00]

If I had to venture a guess, it would be he is having sex with one (or more) of the other women he is dating. So the fact he is not having sex with Lovelorn is not that big a deal .... I mean being that he's not ready to be exclusive with her and probably enjoys her company.

 

 

It also distracts him from getting too emotionally involved with the other women he IS having sex with.

 

 

Classic commitment phobe behavior.

 

That’s very possible. Although… I don’t know. This guy calls/texts me constantly throughout the day every single day and updates me on his whereabouts quite often. He works quite a bit, and when he gets home, he’ll call and we’ll talk for hours, until it’s close to bedtime. Since we’ve met, he’s asked me out every weekend except for the couple of weekends where he was 1) out of town for work and b) out of town on vacation with his siblings. Even then, I still got daily communication. I’m not asking for this or anything, mind you - he just does it. Not saying it’s not possible, but I would be kinda surprised if he had the time to woo another woman into bed.

[Lovelorn00]

Probably for evolutionary reasons, generally women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gate keepers of relationships.

 

If it's important to you, just ask the bloke where he sees this going? If it's compatible with what you want, continue to see him. Otherwise, hit the NEXT button.

 

Some comments based on reading the thread:

 

First: If you have the OKC app on your phone it will look like you are on there all the time even when you are not.

 

Second: Two months is nothing unless you are spending tons of time together each week. I think my profile has always been up at least two months. I'm not going to disable my profile after 3 or 4 dates no matter how much I'm into her. I'm not 20 anymore. I'm 48 and self-aware enough to know that tend to fall too quickly. Leaving my profile up provides an anchor against that. It's not because I am afraid of commitment- it's exactly the opposite - because I know that I commit too readily and I want to fight that tendency.

 

As I've gotten older I have a busy life with career, hobbies, houses, etc. I don't have time to obsess over women I meet the way I used to. I don't want them to obsess over me either. The relationships I've been in that started off with crazy fireworks have fizzled out because they were based almost entirely on sexual chemistry. They are great while they last but I want more substance from a relationship.

 

As the famous poem goes:

 

Love me little, love me long,

Is the burden of my song.

Love that is too hot and strong

Burneth soon to waste:

Still, I would not have thee cold,

Not too backward, nor too bold;

Love that lasteth till ’tis old

Fadeth not in haste.

Love me little, love me long,

Is the burden of my song.

 

Hi, Jj66! You make valid points, but I will say that his login activity is sporadic – meaning, it doesn’t show that he’s always online like it would if the app were logged in from his phone. He seems to check in a few times a day, then logs off.

Right – two months isn’t that long, but we DO spend a lot of time together. We see each other multiple times a week, and communicate via text/phone calls every day. Typically, he initiates all of it. Oftentimes, I’m the one who has to end our phone conversations, because they run so long. I guess the whole point of all of this is that it’s just strange to me that someone would invest so much time and energy into getting to know me and making me feel great, yet continue to use an online dating site. It doesn’t make any sense to me at all.

 

That poem is spot on. Very nice!

[losangelena]

That’s very possible. Although… I don’t know. This guy calls/texts me constantly throughout the day every single day and updates me on his whereabouts quite often. He works quite a bit, and when he gets home, he’ll call and we’ll talk for hours, until it’s close to bedtime. Since we’ve met, he’s asked me out every weekend except for the couple of weekends where he was 1) out of town for work and b) out of town on vacation with his siblings. Even then, I still got daily communication. I’m not asking for this or anything, mind you - he just does it. Not saying it’s not possible, but I would be kinda surprised if he had the time to woo another woman into bed.

 

LOL, does it really SOUND like he has time to be dating anyone else?

 

Jeebus. We so often just want to interpret X behavior to mean Y when it could really mean Z. There's a guy on here now who would love to lock down the woman he's dating but he doesn't want to come off as desperate. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/542955-fourth-date-coming-up-but-i-m-starting-get-anxious

 

If the woman in their situation came on here to be all like, "he won't escalate," we'd probably tell her he's not that into her. But that thread proves that there ARE cases where what is being typically assumed is not the case.

 

OP, you are far and away your own worst enemy here. You are attempting to decipher the meaning of his actions through every which way but by the source—him. You are focusing so much on this ONE aspect, while ignoring other, stronger evidence that he's solely into you. Get it out of the way and let things progress. Rip the bandaid off.

[katiegrl]

Well, I’m not quite ready to walk away just yet. He and I enjoy spending time together and he treats me wonderfully (besides the OLD thing).

But at the same time, I will continue to keep my profile active. I’ll continue to explore my options and accept date offers from others. I feel that’s the healthy thing to do right now.

The unhealthy part of this is how long it has taken me to actually have the conversation with him, and I think that’s the point of your post.

Most emotionally healthy women would’ve said something two months ago. I chose to torture myself instead.

So, I’ll discuss it with him on Saturday (tomorrow) and be prepared to do the walking away, if necessary.

 

 

Given the above, I am back to thinking it's was losangelina said many posts back.

 

 

He's just curious and enjoys browsing. Is not asking anyone out and not dating/pursuing anyone else.

 

 

Sounds like he is very into you.... so yeah ask him about it... but after what you just posted ....it really does look like he's just browsing.

 

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[losangelena]

I guess the whole point of all of this is that it’s just strange to me that someone would invest so much time and energy into getting to know me and making me feel great, yet continue to use an online dating site. It doesn’t make any sense to me at all.

 

Maybe because he's not using it to find dates. Maybe he just doesn't see it as a signifier of his relationship with you. Who know. That's the point, you don't know.

 

Side note—if you've now both seen each other online, why hasn't it come up yet? What about in one of these hours-long phone convos you have? It sounds like y'all are both dancing around it.

[Lovelorn00]

JFC!

Such a disappointing thread with poor advice from multiple women. Fault the guy who has done nothing wrong. No sex, not exclusive, short time frame, he has no obligation.

 

Some guys have a different standard than myself, but if I'm not having sex with a girl then she's not my girlfriend.

 

Now the OP has resorted to being petty and getting even but nobody calls her out on it. Now her behavior becomes negative when they're together which is a self-fulfilling prophecy that will poison the potential relationship.

 

Cheers to the ones suggesting the mature behavior of having the most basic of relationship conversations.

 

I actually like this post, harsh as it is. It’s true. This guy has done nothing wrong, because I haven’t had the guts to actually confront him about what’s been bothering me. He has no idea any of this is going through my head.

I actually called myself out on my own behavior earlier. Yes, I resorted to game-playing by reactivating my profile simply because his was still active. Even worse, I purposely visited his profile so that he could see, clear as day, that not only was I back online, I knew he was as well. Petty? Yes.

 

The problem I have, and the reason why I started this thread is that I’m trying to gauge this guy’s interest level based on actions alone, because that’s what I’ve been taught (incorrectly, apparently) by the tons of blogs, magazines, and books I’ve read about relationships. “Actions speak louder than words,” they say. Or “If you have to wonder, move on.” Instead of actually communicating with him verbally about this out of fear of him running, I chose to look at his behavior. MOST of his behavior suggests that he’s very interested in me. His online activity is what’s throwing me, and the horrible, awful side-effect of all of this is the resentment that’s continuing to build up within me. It ain’t pretty.

 

So, yes – I’m going to have to go against my therapist’s advice and the advice of the magazines/books/blogs who say to keep quiet or it’ll scare him. I HAVE to say something, because I’m only going to get angrier about it as time goes on, and that would just make things worse.

[Diezel]

Another 10 page thread that could have been avoided if the OP would just sit down and have an actual conversation with the person in question.

 

All it takes is words.

[Gaeta]

So, yes – I’m going to have to go against my therapist’s advice and the advice of the magazines/books/blogs who say to keep quiet or it’ll scare him. I HAVE to say something, because I’m only going to get angrier about it as time goes on, and that would just make things worse.

 

Those advice you've heard and read about are good for the first 3-4 dates. No more than that. If you carry that attitude beyond a couple of dates you risk coming across as uninterested.

[losangelena]

“Actions speak louder than words,” they say. Or “If you have to wonder, move on.”

 

I think what they mean is like, if he were still online and maybe only texting you every third day. That's when you'd have to wonder. The way your guy sounds, there's very little to wonder about.

 

This is the thing about keeping quiet in order to keep someone around. You run the risk of tying yourself into a silent, angry knot in order to appease the feelings of someone who might not be worth your time.

 

I'm not saying that's what's happening in your case, not at all. But the general principle of a lot of that advice takes agency away from a woman. Guys (or people in general) who are worth having relationships with WILL NOT mind that their partners have needs and wants and are not afraid to voice them. That is how a mutually fulfilling relationship gets built—on communication and compromise. And I say that as someone who's gone through exactly what you've gone through to get there. My relationship with my BF got exponentially better once I started opening my mouth.

[Lovelorn00]

LOL, does it really SOUND like he has time to be dating anyone else?

 

Jeebus. We so often just want to interpret X behavior to mean Y when it could really mean Z. There's a guy on here now who would love to lock down the woman he's dating but he doesn't want to come off as desperate. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/542955-fourth-date-coming-up-but-i-m-starting-get-anxious

 

If the woman in their situation came on here to be all like, "he won't escalate," we'd probably tell her he's not that into her. But that thread proves that there ARE cases where what is being typically assumed is not the case.

 

OP, you are far and away your own worst enemy here. You are attempting to decipher the meaning of his actions through every which way but by the source—him. You are focusing so much on this ONE aspect, while ignoring other, stronger evidence that he's solely into you. Get it out of the way and let things progress. Rip the bandaid off.

 

Ugh. I know. And you know what they say about assuming…

I’m so guilty of that. I will also admit to being a bit of a pessimist at times. ESPECIALLY when it comes to relationships. That definitely colors my perspective on things. That ain’t good at all.

Especially in this case. This dude is giving every indication that he’s actually really into me… EXCEPT the fact that he’s still online. So, I harp on that instead of communicating.

Poor guy on that other thread. Sounds like fear and anxiety is in the driver’s seat in his situation as well. It sucks. It totally sucks.

 

Ugh. Saturday is the day. I’ll do it. I have no choice at this point, because I’ll look like a moron if I come back here without having talked to him. Haha

[losangelena]

Invite him to have a ceremonial closing of the dating profiles. Do it together.

 

Girl, in general, guys can be kind of clueless sometimes. Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt in this situation.

[Lovelorn00]

Maybe because he's not using it to find dates. Maybe he just doesn't see it as a signifier of his relationship with you. Who know. That's the point, you don't know.

 

Side note—if you've now both seen each other online, why hasn't it come up yet? What about in one of these hours-long phone convos you have? It sounds like y'all are both dancing around it.

 

Oh yes. It’s definitely an elephant in the room now, and we are both dancing around it. I thought FOR SURE that him seeing me online and checking out his profile would spur some sort of a response, but it didn’t. The only “response” I got was him visiting my profile within the hour after I visited his. No idea what that means.