He's Still Online. It's Driving Me Crazy. (UPDATED)

[Lovelorn00]

Most guys don't read your profile. Of the 100's of guys over a 1 year period that contacted me, they did it based on the pictures alone. They'd ask me the stupidest questions that they would have clearly known had they taken 2 minutes to actually skim the detail in my profile.

 

Ah, you’re right. I totally forgot about that. Thinking back, most of the messages I’ve received from guys indicated they hadn’t even read my profile. Or at least read it to that degree. I’d usually get comments about the first couple of paragraphs in my profile, but that’s it. Good point!

 

Being fair to him, some people don't hide their profiles and put all their eggs in one single basket the minute they start dating someone they met online. I was like that. I don't like to presume anything and I'm not going to put all my energies into one person until I know it's worth my time.

 

And yes, I agree, but it’s been a couple of months of consistent dating now. Still early, I know, but this isn’t like the 2nd or 3rd date. I was like that at first with him, and deactivated my profile after our 3rd date, but now that I see he’s still looking, I’ve reactivated it. I’ve had offers for other dates, and I may take them. I’m not sure yet. If he’s got a bunch of irons in the fire, I need to do so as well. It still doesn’t take away from the sting I get when I see that he’s logged in so frequently after I thought we had a pretty good connection. In the fairytale that exists in my mind, he would’ve thought, “Wow! This girl is amazing! I’m going to put all of my efforts into her for the time being and see where this goes!” Alas, I do not live in a fairytale.

[kendahke]

If he’s got a bunch of irons in the fire, I need to do so as well. It still doesn’t take away from the sting I get when I see that he’s logged in so frequently after I thought we had a pretty good connection. In the fairytale that exists in my mind, he would’ve thought, “Wow! This girl is amazing! I’m going to put all of my efforts into her for the time being and see where this goes!” Alas, I do not live in a fairytale.

 

You don't know for certain that he's got irons in the fire--he may be using it as you're using it--or he's being bored. He's not obligated to do as you do. Get rid of the fairytales. All of this is all being conjured in your head and you haven't even had a conversation about it with him.

 

Go talk to him first, then plan your revanche of taking other guys up on their offers of dates.

[Lovelorn00]

there is a feature in the account settings that tells OKC to not make your profile available on search engine searches. Mine is set to not share my info on search engines. This is how I find out who the catfish are--because they're too stupid to turn that off.

 

You're correct, kendahke. My profile doesn't show up on search engine searches either.

[Lovelorn00]

Go talk to him first, then plan your revanche of taking other guys up on their offers of dates.

 

That seems to be the consensus – talk to him about it. As terrifying as that sounds, I’ll have to do it. It bothers me so much, it’s going to start to show in my behavior towards him, and that’s just not cool.

If he runs or gets upset, then there’s my answer. He wasn’t that into me to begin with, and I can move on.

[Mrin]

Most guys don't read your profile. Of the 100's of guys over a 1 year period that contacted me, they did it based on the pictures alone. They'd ask me the stupidest questions that they would have clearly known had they taken 2 minutes to actually skim the detail in my profile.

 

Being fair to him, some people don't hide their profiles and put all their eggs in one single basket the minute they start dating someone they met online. I was like that. I don't like to presume anything and I'm not going to put all my energies into one person until I know it's worth my time.

 

Ha! Even many women don't read profiles. I live half my time in a city and half my time in a ski town 4 hours away from said city. Like one week here, one week there. I referenced this fact two times in my profile and even made a joke about it. I was shocked by the number of women who missed it. Even my GF missed it and she brags about how observant and vigilant she was about pouring over profiles back in her dating days.

 

So if you haven't the conversation, then I can almost guarantee he doesn't know. Good luck tonight!

[Mascara]

Every man I dated who had to be asked to turn his profile off after a few months turned out to be not that interested, and only did so because he was challenged about it. The man I am now engaged to kept his profile active for exactly one week and then asked if we could each remove them.

 

You can take on board the whole "oh there's no problem you just need to have an exclusive talk", but I find that a whole heap of nonsense. A man who isn't keen to take his profile down after two months - and to make sure yours is down too - is not that into you and will only do so because you confronted him.

 

But then I find the whole "exclusive talk" thing ridiculous anyway. It's all arse about tit if you ask me. Exclusivity should be implied after the third date unless you have a talk otherwise. Not the other way round.

[oberkeat]

This thread reminds me of all the things I hated about OLD. Glad I deleted my profile!

[Lovelorn00]

Ha! Even many women don't read profiles. I live half my time in a city and half my time in a ski town 4 hours away from said city. Like one week here, one week there. I referenced this fact two times in my profile and even made a joke about it. I was shocked by the number of women who missed it. Even my GF missed it and she brags about how observant and vigilant she was about pouring over profiles back in her dating days.

 

So if you haven't the conversation, then I can almost guarantee he doesn't know. Good luck tonight!

 

Good point! I guess both sexes are guilty of this haha! I’m glad you all are reminding me of this, because I completely forgot about the fact that he might’ve missed that information on my profile. I should’ve never assumed that he read all of it.

[Lovelorn00]

Every man I dated who had to be asked to turn his profile off after a few months turned out to be not that interested, and only did so because he was challenged about it. The man I am now engaged to kept his profile active for exactly one week and then asked if we could each remove them.

 

You can take on board the whole "oh there's no problem you just need to have an exclusive talk", but I find that a whole heap of nonsense. A man who isn't keen to take his profile down after two months - and to make sure yours is down too - is not that into you and will only do so because you confronted him.

 

But then I find the whole "exclusive talk" thing ridiculous anyway. It's all arse about tit if you ask me. Exclusivity should be implied after the third date unless you have a talk otherwise. Not the other way round.

 

Mascara, you make valid points, and I agree. That’s why I’m so torn. Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the larger part of me wants to say, “Hey, if you’re still looking (and you clearly are), I’m outta here.”

 

I’ve only ever dated one other person from OKC, and it was years ago. Within a very short amount of time (I forget how short), he asked for exclusivity and we both removed our profiles without even being asked. It was automatic. It was understood. And we dated for quite a while. This guy seems very similar to that guy, so I thought it would be the same, but I was wrong.

 

I mean, I’m not asking for marriage. I’m just not down to start sleeping with someone if they’re sleeping with other people at the same time. Heck, the thought of making out with someone who might’ve made out with someone else the night before grosses me out as well. It’s just not something I’m cool with. That’s why exclusivity is important to me at this stage.

[Lovelorn00]

This thread reminds me of all the things I hated about OLD. Glad I deleted my profile!

 

Right?!?! It's torture. Absolute torture. Haha

[kendahke]

That seems to be the consensus – talk to him about it. As terrifying as that sounds, I’ll have to do it. It bothers me so much, it’s going to start to show in my behavior towards him, and that’s just not cool.

If he runs or gets upset, then there’s my answer. He wasn’t that into me to begin with, and I can move on.

 

Write out and rehearse what you're going to say, including writing down the questions or responses you think he may give so that you have an answer for that. This will help you to remain calm and cool and focused and you'll stay on topic as opposed to being led off into the weeds by some non sequitur he may throw out at you.

[katiegrl]

Every man I dated who had to be asked to turn his profile off after a few months turned out to be not that interested, and only did so because he was challenged about it. The man I am now engaged to kept his profile active for exactly one week and then asked if we could each remove them.

 

You can take on board the whole "oh there's no problem you just need to have an exclusive talk", but I find that a whole heap of nonsense. A man who isn't keen to take his profile down after two months - and to make sure yours is down too - is not that into you and will only do so because you confronted him.

 

But then I find the whole "exclusive talk" thing ridiculous anyway. It's all arse about tit if you ask me. Exclusivity should be implied after the third date unless you have a talk otherwise. Not the other way round.

 

I'm with you Mascara....about all of it!

 

 

I have never had to discuss "exclusivity" in ANY of my relationships....it was just a given...never even questioned it.

 

 

Then again, I didn't meet any of my boyfriends, including current, on-line so don't know what the dynamics would have been re profiles if I had.

 

 

But I am inclined to believe that if you have to "ask" him to take it down...it kinda defeats the purpose.

 

 

He should "want" to take it down, all by himself on his own, without your having to ask him to.

 

 

To me that's like asking a man to become more serious about you, than his ACTIONS indicate him to be. Ugh. If you have to ask, what's the point.

 

 

JMO on that though....

[fitnessfan365]

Most guys don't read your profile..

 

It's this mindset that leads to women being lazy w-their profile write ups. The best one obviously being "ask me". But then those same women are the ones who complain they only get contacted about their looks.

 

My advice to women using OLD is to still put effort into your profile no matter how many guys you think actually read it. For guys like me that actually care about the profile, it's a major turn off when you put no effort at all.

[losangelena]

I think people spend too much time waiting for what someone "should" or "shouldn't" do in a relationship. "He's the guy, he should suggest we take down our profiles;" or even better, "A man who's sufficiently interested will only act in xyz way." I got news for you—men can ask for exclusivity in a "desirable" timeframe and still change their minds. The two are not mutually exclusive.

 

If something is bothering you, then speak up. I say this as someone who often needs to take this advice myself.

 

OP, it does not serve you at all to remain silent on this issue, especially since his lack of initiative, and his failing to meet your own unspoken expectations about it have become problematic. Soon, you will start acting out of your resentment, if you haven't already.

 

Don't spend any more time and energy waiting and worrying and getting mad. Staying silent will only guarantee a relationship built on uncertainty and distrust. If you speak up, you'll either realize he's not on board (and good riddance), or you'll come out of it with exclusivity. I don't see how either of those could be a bad thing.

[MissBee]

We are closing in on the 2-month mark. He still has his OkCupid profile up and logs in multiple times a day, and it crushes me every time I see it. We talk daily and see each other multiple times a week. No exclusivity talk yet, but I'm clearly just an option to him. I'm starting to suspect that I will never be enough, and it makes me incredibly sad. I know this is a common issue when it comes to dating online, but dang. It sucks.

 

 

When I am dating I communicate. Especially with online dating, during our chats, the first date, certainly first few dates I tell them what I'm looking for and try to learn early what they are looking for as well. I think it's silly to make it a guessing game or invest so much time with someone without knowing what they want.. Casual, a relationship, looking to eventually marry or what. That's the FIRST thing I ascertain. It makes my life far easier when I am dating to know the guy and I are on the same page (or aren't and I should look for someone else).

 

That said, if it's been established that we're both hoping to see where things go, then exclusivity tends to come up pretty early, at least within a few weeks and we usually explicitly decide to only date each other and see what happens and we also usually are frank that we're gonna deactivate our profiles.

 

To me, this is simple. It makes life easier. It's two grown adults being clear about what they want and going from there and it takes all the stres and anxiety out of just dating, sleeping together and secretly checking their profile for months or however long while silently not knowing what you are or what you both even want.. That to me is pointless and a waste and I always recommend being clear and upfront. A man who wants what you want will not be scared of this, but will be happy to make things clear and/or exclusive, if a man is "scared off" chances are it's because he's not looking for something serious and it's not anything you did.

Edited August 5, 2015 by MissBee

[Gaeta]

I think it's silly to make it a guessing game or invest so much time with someone without knowing what they want.. Casual, a relationship, looking to eventually marry or what.

 

Practically every man you will meet online will tell you he's looking for a relationship even if it's not true. Men have learn pretty quickly it's their way to your bed.

 

OP's boyfriend may say he wants a relationship all he wants but his actions are indicating he doesn't want one with HER.

[katiegrl]

Practically every man you will meet online will tell you he's looking for a relationship even if it's not true. Men have learn pretty quickly it's their way to your bed.

 

OP's boyfriend may say he wants a relationship all he wants but his actions are indicating he doesn't want one with HER.

 

 

100% Agree... and that goes for men you meet OFF line as well...

 

Futile waste of energy even asking IMO.

 

Pay attention to his actions... THAT is how you will know what he wants -- with YOU.

 

I said this before in another thread too - most men don't know what the hell with want with YOU, until they date you for awhile.

 

They may even "think" they want a RL (just in general) and when you ask (just generally, not necessarily with you), they will tell you that. Then once they're in one (with you).... suddenly they're "not ready."

 

How many threads have been created by women who have had that happen to them.

 

Then there are guys who tell you they want only casual, but after a few months dating YOU, they want a RL with YOU. That has happened to me, more than once.

 

All you can do is date him for awhile, manage your emotions (as Redhead always suggests), pay attention to his actions and respond accordingly.

 

If you are unable to handle a little uncertainty for awhile -- hold off on having sex with him... even though that is still a gamble....because he may STILL change his mind (and heart) afterwards.

 

It's all a risk.

 

By the way -- I have learned a lot of this just by reading this forum and what women (and men) experience and post about.

 

It's been quite enlightening.

Edited August 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[Lovelorn00]

Write out and rehearse what you're going to say, including writing down the questions or responses you think he may give so that you have an answer for that. This will help you to remain calm and cool and focused and you'll stay on topic as opposed to being led off into the weeds by some non sequitur he may throw out at you.

 

Yeah, I’m still struggling with how to approach the issue. I have a couple of ideas on how to casually lead into it, but I’m betting I’ll have to do it when the topic of sex comes up, since that’s basically what’s at stake for him here.

[Ruby Slippers]

Every man I dated who had to be asked to turn his profile off after a few months turned out to be not that interested, and only did so because he was challenged about it. The man I am now engaged to kept his profile active for exactly one week and then asked if we could each remove them.

 

You can take on board the whole "oh there's no problem you just need to have an exclusive talk", but I find that a whole heap of nonsense. A man who isn't keen to take his profile down after two months - and to make sure yours is down too - is not that into you and will only do so because you confronted him.

 

But then I find the whole "exclusive talk" thing ridiculous anyway. It's all arse about tit if you ask me. Exclusivity should be implied after the third date unless you have a talk otherwise. Not the other way round.

Spot on. This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say.

 

If he were excited about you, that profile would have been toast in a very short time, and he would have made damn sure yours was, too. You're someone who will do, not his dream girl.

 

But be glad he's made this clear now, before you waste a lot of time on a guy who's not that into you.

[Lovelorn00]

I think people spend too much time waiting for what someone "should" or "shouldn't" do in a relationship. "He's the guy, he should suggest we take down our profiles;" or even better, "A man who's sufficiently interested will only act in xyz way." I got news for you—men can ask for exclusivity in a "desirable" timeframe and still change their minds. The two are not mutually exclusive.

 

Thanks, losangelena. This is excellent advice. Being too fearful to communicate my needs in relationships is a big reason why I’m always single or dating a-holes. The idea to let the men lead in every aspect of a relationship is a bit old-fashioned, but it’s advice that’s given quite frequently in relationship blogs, books, and from friends (married and single). It puts the female in the insanity-inducing situation of constantly being in a holding pattern. Waiting for him to make up his mind and make a decision. It’s so frustrating. And you’re right – even if he agrees to exclusivity, that doesn’t mean he won’t change his mind later or cheat.

 

 

If something is bothering you, then speak up. I say this as someone who often needs to take this advice myself.

 

OP, it does not serve you at all to remain silent on this issue, especially since his lack of initiative, and his failing to meet your own unspoken expectations about it have become problematic. Soon, you will start acting out of your resentment, if you haven't already.

 

Don't spend any more time and energy waiting and worrying and getting mad. Staying silent will only guarantee a relationship built on uncertainty and distrust. If you speak up, you'll either realize he's not on board (and good riddance), or you'll come out of it with exclusivity. I don't see how either of those could be a bad thing.

 

You’re right – these fears are going to start bleeding over into my behavior towards him. I don’t think it has yet, but these things have a way of manifesting themselves subtly and in ways I might not be aware of. I really need to grow a pair (of bigger ovaries) and bring it up. I feel that I have a right to. I’m just not looking forward to the sting of him possibly running away.

[Leigh 87]

For God's sake, it's really simple.

 

Women don't HAVE to wait around for men who are really into them, when it comes to being exclusive.

 

ALL the men that have been serious about me have taken their profiles down after the first date or two and asked me if I wanted to follow suit. Do you want a man who has to grow to love you and bypass the initial exciting stage where he falls hard for you ? MOST me who fall hard and fast for a girl are way too excited about about her to remain online "browsing "

 

I know MANY guys who started out lukewarm and indeed never found their dream girl so settled for a girl they weren't initially that excited or smitten with. ALL those guys remained online for a couple months......then they grew fond of the girls and grew to love them. They skipped the sparks and feeling head over heels part.

 

That is my personal observation. Men who experience early limerence experience symptomsllike not being about to get a girl off their mind....And every man I know who fell this hard for their partners ALL felt too full as it was from their work, hobbies, friends and families, to even have time to remain online once they found a girl they were all giddy with excitement over.

[smackie9]

If you have to question or ask, they are not that into you.

 

 

For me if there is no "I can't get enough of you" intensity, I bale.

[losangelena]

I really need to grow a pair (of bigger ovaries) and bring it up. I feel that I have a right to. I’m just not looking forward to the sting of him possibly running away.

 

Bigger ovaries, I love it! A friend and I have an ongoing joke, because years ago I complained that there's no "female" equivalent to "that sucks b*lls," and he and I came up with "that sucks oves!"

 

Look, if he runs away, yes it'll sting, but he's doing you a favor in the long run. Better find out now than 6/9/12 months from now.

 

Also, you're not really in a holding pattern here necessarily. You've been seeing each other for 2 months, but you haven't slept together. In my mind that entitles you to continue seeing other men and maybe meeting one who will secure your exclusivity a bit faster.

 

You're in the driver's seat more than you think.

[Ruby Slippers]

You've been seeing each other for 2 months, but you haven't slept together. In my mind that entitles you to continue seeing other men and maybe meeting one who will secure your exclusivity a bit faster.

 

You're in the driver's seat more than you think.

True. At the very least she should downgrade this guy to a light dating option when she has nothing better to do.

 

Then he'll be drawn to her apathy - but so what? If she has to be aloof to grab his attention, it will be fleeting, anyway.

 

I don't think he even deserves another date's worth of her attention, personally. Never cast your pearls before swine - or men you've been dating for a while who are still cruising the dating site.

[losangelena]

I don't think he even deserves another date's worth of her attention, personally. Never cast your pearls before swine - or men you've been dating for a while who are still cruising the dating site.

 

Maybe, I dunno. Is he cruising? We don't know.

 

I kept my profile up for the first couple of months of dating my BF. So did he. I wasn't actively looking for dates though. Occasionally I'd go on if I was bored just to look around, but that was it. Any guy who messaged me during that time would get a polite reply saying that I wasn't open to meeting anyone at the moment because I was seeing how things worked out between me and my (at the time) new guy.

 

So, to assume that he's dating around is well, an assumption. Others have pointed out here that if you have the app open on your phone (having it running in the background), it'll show you logging on and off, or "active," even if you're not.

 

Besides, two months and no sex? If these two are not waiting for marriage, it's about time to address that issue. I'm not saying she's gotta bone him, but that's quite a while to make someone wait AND expect exclusivity. Either way, it's time for her to talk.