Dating midlife men: so much negativity

[BluEyeL]

OP, when dating you'll meet all kinds of people. If he's rude, abrasive etc simply leave and forget about him. Don't dwell on it and don't take it personal. And generalizations are false. You be the nice positive and pleasant one and eventually your match will show up .

[PinkInTheLimo]

Interesting question tho - is that superiority genuine or is it actually insecurity? (i.e. do they actually think they're better than you or are they acting out bc they're afraid they're not?) Most ppl I know who are very successful and secure don't manifest those traits as haughtiness or superiority or dismissiveness of others.

 

I agree that it is insecurity because when you have the nerve to confront such a guy about his behaviour, for example by kindly trying to make him understand that his always one-upping you, they always throw a fit. And will tell you that YOU are the problem.

 

Life is too short to be in the company of men who make a battle of everything.

[elaine567]

I think the word compromise can be taken in two ways.

 

Compromise can mean to find the middle ground. A settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions.

BUT

Compromise can also mean to accept standards that are lower than is desirable. A weakening or reduction of one's principles or standards.

 

So an ability to compromise can mean, a willingness to meet each other half way, or a willingness to abandon one's own standards in favour of another's.

 

The former is mutually beneficial, the latter could be seen as bowing down to another's will.

[elaine567]

I agree that it is insecurity because when you have the nerve to confront such a guy about his behaviour, for example by kindly trying to make him understand that his always one-upping you, they always throw a fit. And will tell you that YOU are the problem.

 

Life is too short to be in the company of men who make a battle of everything.

 

I think if you feel you are in a fight from date one, it doesn't bode well, unless you find that a challenge.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I think if you feel you are in a fight from date one, it doesn't bode well, unless you find that a challenge.

 

It does indeed feel like a fight. I already suspected it from certain things he wrote in his emails but I did not want to judge before I had seen him live.

 

Just another example of how antagonistic he is. After our meeting I told him that I would do a bike trip (we met in a place at the seaside and I had rented a bike there), which I did and it was wonderful.

 

The day after our date I sent him an email thanking him for the date and having paid for the drinks (I had offered to pay mine but he wanted to treat me so I did not insist on paying for myself). Furthermore I told him that my bike trip had been really nice as the weather was great and the part where I had biked was next to the seaside with lovely views. He answers me by telling me that further north there is a part which is hundred times (yes, he used the number "hundred") more beautiful than the part where I had biked. But to get there you needed a car, so that showed again one of the downsides of public transport, that you could not get to certain places.

 

So I want to share that I had a lovely time but instead of saying something like "yes, I know that place, it is really nice" or "glad that you had a great time" (which would be the kind of thing I would say) he makes this a battle about car vs public transportation. But the battle he sees is only in his head because me telling him that I don't have a car is just a fact not a declaration of war.

 

In the dating context I look for connection and I do a conscious effort to create it. For example, if I would meet a guy who tells me that he has been to a concert of the Rolling Stones I would say something like "Wow, that must have been really special, it's amazing how dynamic these guys still are in their sixties" and ask "Are you a big fan, have you seen them before in concert?". That's how I would react even though I don't care too much about the Stones and have never seen them live.

The guy I met on Sunday would probably say: "Pfff, the Stones? I liked the Beatles much better and I hate those mega concerts."

 

Now I know couples in real life who deal with each other in such a belligerent way but this is so not the way I want my relationship to be.

 

I search for connection and this guy seems to want to alienate the other person. Does he really not realise that that is what he is doing?

[Gloria25]

I've never said this out loud before but I experienced the exact same thing dating women. I am a bit younger than your age range. I dated women from 32 to 49. I found that women mid 40's and over to be almost very confident (huge plus) but also very cynical. It was like they didn't have any "girl" left in them.

 

I found women under 35 to be lacking any genuine confidence and with a good amount of girl left. 35 - 40 really seemed to be the sweet spot. Confidence and girlish optimism and life that I find so intoxicating.

 

None of the women I dated were menaupausal or post menaupausal (that I knew of).

 

That last thing will say is you should date your own kind. I found I couldn't deal with the never marrieds/no kids women. It was like we were different types of humans. So you might want to pull that into the equation and see if there is any truth to it for you.

 

Try lowering your age range a bit and see what happens!

 

Ok I am done generalizing unfairly....

 

I agree with the issues of dating people and I think it runs regardless of age, baggage, etc - I mean, they "are" single for a reason?

 

Anywho, unfortunately in her age range, it's gonna be hard for her not to find a "non" divorced, widowed and/or childless guy with baggage.

[MrMeh]

It does indeed feel like a fight. I already suspected it from certain things he wrote in his emails but I did not want to judge before I had seen him live.

 

Just another example of how antagonistic he is. After our meeting I told him that I would do a bike trip (we met in a place at the seaside and I had rented a bike there), which I did and it was wonderful.

 

The day after our date I sent him an email thanking him for the date and having paid for the drinks (I had offered to pay mine but he wanted to treat me so I did not insist on paying for myself). Furthermore I told him that my bike trip had been really nice as the weather was great and the part where I had biked was next to the seaside with lovely views. He answers me by telling me that further north there is a part which is hundred times (yes, he used the number "hundred") more beautiful than the part where I had biked. But to get there you needed a car, so that showed again one of the downsides of public transport, that you could not get to certain places.

 

So I want to share that I had a lovely time but instead of saying something like "yes, I know that place, it is really nice" or "glad that you had a great time" (which would be the kind of thing I would say) he makes this a battle about car vs public transportation. But the battle he sees is only in his head because me telling him that I don't have a car is just a fact not a declaration of war.

 

In the dating context I look for connection and I do a conscious effort to create it. For example, if I would meet a guy who tells me that he has been to a concert of the Rolling Stones I would say something like "Wow, that must have been really special, it's amazing how dynamic these guys still are in their sixties" and ask "Are you a big fan, have you seen them before in concert?". That's how I would react even though I don't care too much about the Stones and have never seen them live.

The guy I met on Sunday would probably say: "Pfff, the Stones? I liked the Beatles much better and I hate those mega concerts."

 

Now I know couples in real life who deal with each other in such a belligerent way but this is so not the way I want my relationship to be.

 

I search for connection and this guy seems to want to alienate the other person. Does he really not realise that that is what he is doing?

 

The guy sounds like the average hipster. I'm surprised you've lasted this long.