misspond Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I wonder how much this might be responsible for the boy-toy phenomenon .... Totally. I may be late to the party here but (slightly) younger men are not so jaded. Really young men want a notch post (go there if you can handle it) and slightly younger men are made up. Men out age are just......jaded.....(with possible cause - because they don't realise that women in the same age range are awesome ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I look at the profile of everyone that contacts me. Younger men rarely contact me. Older men are a big no-no. 8 years older is my absolute age maximum and the guy would have to be a real catch. There is no way I would hook up with a guy 10 to 15 years older than myself. They are simply too old. I agree 60-65yo men are far too old for you, a different generation altogether. Little good will come of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 (with possible cause - because they don't realise that women in the same age range are awesome ) Not sure why they wouldn't but whatevs, just leaves more for me. Middle aged women are fantastic ....they know who they are and what they want and they're not afraid of life. (And sex drives - oh my god. ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I am also in my 40s and indeed it was very difficult for me to do OLD. Very stressful. Full of anxiety and disappointment after disappointment. I finally succeeded, however, to find a great guy online, who is 50 yo and I am very happy, we've been together for over one year. No matter what, nobody will be perfect, men or women. So of course men and women our age will come with baggage and challenges. But if you are positive and persevere, and also if you are realistic and look for traits that matter (for me kindness, agreeable personality, emotional stability), not what it doesn't matter but people focus on (height, looks, instant chemistry), you can find love. Don't expect it to be easy and take like 3 months and there is no point in complaining that "men do this and men do that". It is what it is and you need to sift through pebbles to find gold. It rarely does work quickly. Just go at it like you go at a project and try to be as unemotional about early dating stages as possible. And very vigilant, patient and realistic. it's hard, I shudder thinking about it. I hope never have to go back to it. And, you have to try to go older, like up to 10 years older. I know, I think in your 50s could be even harder than in your 40s, you have access to men that are indeed too old. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 And, you have to try to go older, like up to 10 years older. I know, I think in your 50s could be even harder than in your 40s, you have access to men that are indeed too old. Nope. I don't do older. I don't want a 60 year old guy now that I am 50 and I certainly don't want to be stuck with an 80 year old guy when I am 70. There is no bonus in dating an older man. He will die earlier, have health problems earlier and retire earlier (the latter thing will have an impact on his income). And he will have the same annoying character traits as men my age, only in an older package. I have a pretty good life as a single woman and there is no way I will spoil that by getting together with an older guy. If I opt for a bigger age difference it will be for a younger guy. But that's not something I am actively aiming for. A kind intelligent man my age will do. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Are these healthy, positive, mature men on online dating sites? I don't see a lot of those there. This guy actually had one of the better profiles. He certainly is intelligeht but there's too much antagonism in him. I have recently subscribed to an activities' club in my city and I think I will focus more on that. More spontaneous and less pressure. One can keep dating until one finds a good match but to be honest I quickly tire of the whole thing. After three unsuccesful dates I already lose my courage. They're pretty rare. And most don't own mirrors because the older they get, the worse they look. I've used the term "unmade bed" more than once when I was online dating. There is NOTHING worse than a monotone, unenthusiastic, downtrodden buzz-kill of a guy. I don't blame you for feeling exhausted when you were done trying to get blood from THAT stone. I've dealt with that once or twice and it sucked out loud. Of course, in a few days, 'Doug Downer' will be whining to his buddies at work about your date and that you're yet another 'flake' that won't return his calls. I wonder when he'll finally comprehend that HE is the common denominator? Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Honestly, I would rather a man who expects all women to be terrible to be up front about it. Makes the process of moving on a lot easier. In fact, I kinda wish every man who I might potentially consider dating would post on an anonymous forum and I could read it. Then I could just cross out the ones who start any sentence with "women always" or "all women". So you'd have your choice of either a cynical jaded whiner or fake ass white knight looking for validation. No really though, something's not quite right on here. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Jesus. Now I'm hoping that I get hit by a f*cking meteorite before I get thrown back into the dating world. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 They're pretty rare. And most don't own mirrors because the older they get, the worse they look. I've used the term "unmade bed" more than once when I was online dating. There is NOTHING worse than a monotone, unenthusiastic, downtrodden buzz-kill of a guy. I don't blame you for feeling exhausted when you were done trying to get blood from THAT stone. I've dealt with that once or twice and it sucked out loud. Of course, in a few days, 'Doug Downer' will be whining to his buddies at work about your date and that you're yet another 'flake' that won't return his calls. I wonder when he'll finally comprehend that HE is the common denominator? I love the way you describe this. "Trying to get blood from that stone." That's how it often feels. When going on a date I sometimes thought that it would at least be better than sitting at home in front of the TV. Can't count the times I came back home thinking that staying home watching TV would have been more pleasant . Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 So you'd have your choice of either a cynical jaded whiner or fake ass white knight looking for validation. Luckily those aren't the only choices! Generally, I wonder if the negative and critical guys OP's running across became negative and critical or always were negative and critical. I suspect it's the latter. Positive people tend to remain positive throughout their lives, with a blip here or there when bad stuff happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 They are probably just looking for some companionship where they don't have to try so hard. I don't expect a guy to try hard. Just be relaxed, friendly and positive and show some genuine interest in me. After all it's what they expect from us women. But this is not a one-way street. I am friendly but when your date can't refrain from criticising you a second date really is not very tempting. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Luckily those aren't the only choices! Generally, I wonder if the negative and critical guys OP's running across became negative and critical or always were negative and critical. I suspect it's the latter. Positive people tend to remain positive throughout their lives, with a blip here or there when bad stuff happens. What if the man is negative and critical but, you know, funny? Just hypothetically. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Nope. I don't do older. I don't want a 60 year old guy now that I am 50 and I certainly don't want to be stuck with an 80 year old guy when I am 70. There is no bonus in dating an older man. He will die earlier, have health problems earlier and retire earlier (the latter thing will have an impact on his income). And he will have the same annoying character traits as men my age, only in an older package. I have a pretty good life as a single woman and there is no way I will spoil that by getting together with an older guy. If I opt for a bigger age difference it will be for a younger guy. But that's not something I am actively aiming for. A kind intelligent man my age will do. I know, your points are valid. I mostly dated guys that were up to 5 years older than me. I think I've dated about 30 men and only one or two were more than 5 years older than me. But my current boyfriend is 7 years older. I think he's at the top of my age bracket, but I think one or two years up to what you desire cannot be such a huge deal if the guy and relationship are good. Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Luckily those aren't the only choices! Generally, I wonder if the negative and critical guys OP's running across became negative and critical or always were negative and critical. I suspect it's the latter. Positive people tend to remain positive throughout their lives, with a blip here or there when bad stuff happens. Yeah, Autumn said she wished she could a guy's forum posts before dating him. I just pointed out an observation I've noticed from reading this forum, which was just a joke, this forum's not a good reflection of the world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 What if the man is negative and critical but, you know, funny? Just hypothetically. But then he's not REALLY negative and critical to the core, is he? Sometimes rants and grumbly curmudgeonliness can be very funny. OP could laugh when they do this and see what happens. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
misspond Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Not sure why they wouldn't but whatevs, just leaves more for me. Middle aged women are fantastic ....they know who they are and what they want and they're not afraid of life. (And sex drives - oh my god. ) You've got too many on your rosta - good for you, we all need to take a lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 but I think one or two years up to what you desire cannot be such a huge deal if the guy and relationship are good. I see what you mean but I have so far never met a man of 7-8 years older than me who was not worse than men closer to my age. They were always pedantic and bossy. I know there are other guys of that age who are not like that but somehow I have only met those until now. In general this is the biggest issue I have had in my life: bossy, controlling, criticising men. Sometimes I think that my looks and my style somehow attract those men. I am slender and I have a high girl next door factor and I think that this somehow triggers a tendency in men to want "to show me the way". The problem is that it turns out that I am a smart lady who knows very well what she wants and then they kind of try to get me under their thumb. Which never works... I don't want a guy I have to follow or have to obey, I want a partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Your post resonated with me OP. I have had similar experiences. I have met the grumpy men, the basic ones ("well, do you want to meet me or not?"), the ones that sit in judgement, the ones that think they are an authority or more experienced in life than me (these usually try to tell me what to do). The guys that have been most pleasant and positive and who have made a real effort have tended to be younger than me. I was hoping to meet someone close to my own age, but I am really having to rethink this, purely for my own sanity! Part of the problem is that if you are a woman who has dealt with a lot in life and has had very responsible demanding jobs, you are less accustomed to a man deciding he's an authority. I play a musical instrument and most male musicians I meet, my age or older, feel the need to tell me how to play. Yet at the same time (yes, it is possible!), they are impressed with what I play and want to get together to play. It is this weird conflict between cognition and emotion that I find difficult to deal with. Guys don't seem to realise they are talking down to me and would be shocked if I told them so. I do usually say something humorous and they take a step back but it's irritating having to do that and puts me in an awkward position - do I play dumb and pretend I don't know anything or do I risk putting them off by tactfully reminding them I do? Of course I stand my ground but would they talk to another guy as if he was ignorant of something he was highly skilled in? It just makes relationships difficult when you start out with an assumed attitude of inequality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Honestly, I did not experience the particular problem you're describing, I.e. Men talking down to me or being critical. I just met one of those once and once he started to talk crap I left immediately. Generally though, I hated dating for different reasons . I mostly met men who had emotional issues, not completely recovered from a divorce, not ready for a relationship, not giving me enough time/dates, a few pushing sex early, one who dumped me after 3 months out of the blue, impotence issues, weird ideas about life, or not into me. I hated the anxiety, the hoping this would be it this time and the disappointment . I did notice though that what I wrote in my profile made a big difference in the quality of the men I attracted. I kept tweaking until i found one that worked best . As for the age, go for what you want and be ready to put in the time and effort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I don't condone men being like this but I think after a certain age some guys are just tired of being nice. After being chewed up and spit out a number of times you just don't give an eff anymore. I was at that point in my life before I hit 30 but instead of letting it crush me it gave me the inspiration to really make something of myself but I still have no filter and I have a view of the world that some would consider cynical but I just call it like I see it. If you are in a date with a woman though some kindness and sunshine doesn't hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Nearly everyone gets more rigid as they get older. Their flaws become magnified, they are tired of covering them up and playing the game. But that could work in your favor if you meet the right one. You never know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) I font understand this whole IDGAF attitude or the attitude of being tired of being nice or trying. Really? Why wouldn't you want to be nice and try hard? I would try hard for sure (but not for someone who refuses to do the same- that would be unfair). That's what makes dating, relationships, and sex fun. Plus it's natural. Honestly, what I really think this is about is that they just don't like the women that much. They're not attracted or something. Or, they are depressed. Edited August 5, 2015 by Popsicle 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I font understand this whole IDGAF attitude or the attitude of being tired of being nice or trying. Really? Why wouldn't you want to be nice and try hard? I would try hard for sure (but not for someone who refuses to do the same- that would be unfair). That's what makes dating, relationships, and sex fun. Plus it's natural. Honestly, what I really think this is about is that they just don't like the women that much. They're not attracted or something. Or, they are depressed. If being nice blew up in your face for the years you did it you wouldn't be so eager to keep doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 If being nice blew up in your face for the years you did it you wouldn't be so eager to keep doing it. So do you want a grumpy, negative woman? (I'm asking because some men do) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 So do you want a grumpy, negative woman? (I'm asking because some men do) what man wants a grumpy negative woman? is that a thing? i am married, but if i were not, grumpy and negative would not be the qualities i would seek out 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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